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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26546638">Pain Gets Hard</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/0704_writer_of_words/pseuds/0704_writer_of_words'>0704_writer_of_words</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>We Mighta Took the Long Way [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Best Friends, Cancer, Crying, Emotional, Emotions, F/F, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Fluffy Ending, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Harry Styles &amp; Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Liam Payne &amp; Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Loss of Parent(s), Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, Needing your friends, Niall Horan &amp; Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Niall menas well, OT4, Past Relationship(s), Sassy Louis, Soft Harry, Soulmates Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, finding yourself, losing yourself, soccer/football, soft louis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:41:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>205,494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26546638</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/0704_writer_of_words/pseuds/0704_writer_of_words</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2017 and Louis is dealing with being a new father and the loss of his mum. His best friends and bandmates force themselves back into his life so he's just a little less lost. Niall always means well but he pushes Louis to open up to them and Louis feels a little better now that he's not carrying everything around himself. Louis and Harry finally resolve issues from their breakup in 2014, Liam becomes a dad and Niall is still the lovable best friend he always is. </p><p>Louis promises to not push Harry away again but it seems like just as Louis is getting back on his feet, Harry needs him more than ever and Louis isn't sure he can handle that just yet.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eleanor Calder &amp; Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>We Mighta Took the Long Way [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970455</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I seem to write very stressed out characters when I am stressed so that's how this story came about. I've followed some plots from real life but it is made up in my head and I really hope things were never this painful for them. </p><p>It sorta follows the Over Again Story but it will only reference it and exist in the same world, but I am having writers block on that one and this story sorta just popped into my head. Please let me know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Come on Fred” Louis said groaning when he heard the baby’s cry over the monitor. He was laying in his own bed, felt like he had just gone to sleep and Freddie was up already. He knew he was cutting some new teeth and Louis was generally very sympathetic to that fact, but he was exhausted, mentally and physically and he just wanted to sleep. </p><p>March had been a rough month for him, well the whole year really. His mum passed away in December, he broke up with Danielle and he was okay, or at least as okay as he was going to be while he was promoting Just Hold On with Steve. Steve even asked him if he wanted to stay with him for a little once all the whirlwind of promo died down. Steve had been a great friend to him from the moment he told him his mum was sick. Louis wasn’t used to having an older sibling type and Steve gave him that, he let him rant or be angry or cry and never pushed him but was always willing to listen or help. Louis had felt comfortable with Steve in a way he hadn’t felt comfortable in the industry in a while. Steve was insanely talented and respected and Louis really admired him. They had fun creating the music for the lyrics Louis wrote. And Steve gave him a lot of advice on how to make sure Louis was truly doing what he loved. Steve was in London with me when they knew his mum only had days, he brought them food to the hospital and even stayed with the youngest twins while everyone was with Jay. Louis knew he leaned pretty heavily on Steve but Steve didn’t mind. He had lost his father and new the pain of losing a parent. </p><p>During that whole time, Louis had managed to take care of his siblings and his son but it didn’t really leave himself anytime to process what had happened. He figured he would be able to move on better by taking care of everyone else and ignoring his own feelings like he usually did. He had stayed friendly with Eleanor and they weren’t dating, but she was traveling with him now and trying to get him to take care of himself. Freddie turned one and Louis thought it was the first time he actually felt like he could be happy again seeing his son blow out his candles. Harry turned twenty-one and Louis wasn’t there. He couldn’t be. He had seen the three of them in December at his X-Factor performance, it was the last time they had all been together but they had gone and visited Jay in the hospital. He hated to admit it, but Harry gave him some strength and Louis took it all and then just ghosted him. Harry had asked him to go to his party, said there would be plenty of people and the media wouldn’t know about it and Louis just said he couldn’t. Harry had texted him a few times just to check in and to make sure Freddie got his birthday present, Louis obviously thanked him for that and sent him a picture of Freddie with it. But he was having a hard time admitting to himself let alone Harry that he really actually needed him. He knew he couldn’t, for a multitude of reasons but mostly because they had hurt each other before, he wasn’t about to drag Harry back into his shitshow right now. </p><p>Right now, Louis just wanted his bed to swallow him up. His sisters and Ernie all seemed to be doing okay. The girls were back in school and Dan was handling the twins just fine. He knew his grandparents were worried about him being so far in LA but he missed his son, he felt like he hadn’t been able to see him that much this first year. Things took a sour turn between him and Briana but she had conceded to bringing him to England for Christmas and so his mum could see him one more time. They were there most of December and Jay got to see her grandchild one last time. They had stayed through Christmas and Louis was very thankful that he had Freddie on his birthday and they split Christmas. </p><p>He got through Freddie’s first birthday without his mum and that had been hard enough but the smiling boy looking back at him as he looked at the cake was a comfort he couldn’t describe. March had taken a turn where Louis never dreamed it would. He had gotten off of flight with Eleanor and they both were tried, Briana was arguing with him about Freddie and he could feel the stress and the weight of everything starting to eat at him and things escalated with the paparazzi and the next thing Louis knew was that he had been under a citizen's arrest. His attorney told him charges were likely going to be dropped, not enough evidence and the fact that he was provoked and trying to protect Eleanor. He had texted Harry, Liam and Niall to tell him that he was fine and Oli got him a good attorney and everything was fine. He didn’t think any of them believed him so he just stopped answering them until Niall decided to be up his ass every day making sure he was doing fine. Niall had shown up unannounced one night after Louis had taken Freddie back to Briana’s house and Louis broke down. He was pretty sure it was the first time he had lost it since his mum first started to get worse and they knew the end was coming. Oli and Eleanor gave them the space, while he loved all three and was close with all three, Niall knew him differently, and Louis’ emotions finally exploded out of him. Niall let him cry it all out and then cuddled him while he slept and then made sure he showered and ate the next morning. Since then he had been popping up everywhere to the point Louis was convinced he attached a tracker to him. </p><p>Louis thought Freddie had quieted and then the tell-tale shriek came back over the monitor. He got out of bed and rubbed his eyes and shoved his hands into his pajama pants pocket after he threw on his hoodie. </p><p>“Come on lad, go to sleep, you’re alright” Louis soothed as he rubbed his son’s back. </p><p>He currently had Freddie for the week, which was a first. He had convinced Briana to go away with some friends. He just wanted to be with his son and quietly process all of his emotions. He sent El and Oli back to England, neither of whom thought him by himself was a good idea. While he had been scared about being a dad and about taking care of another human, Freddie really had been the one thing that kept him going over the last year after his mum was diagnosed. It brought the two of them closer, he would constantly ask her what she would do when he was little and Louis began to understand some of the fear and worry that he had played off the last few years. His mum had his Nan make a book of when he was little and wrote out the things that she would do for him to calm him down or make him laugh and he loved it. He read it to Freddie constantly and at the back of the book was a picture of the three of them when Louis first held Freddie with Jay there in the hospital. His arrival had been a little early but he seemed to be a healthy little one year old now. </p><p>Louis picked Freddie up from his crib, he couldn’t bear to see him cry any longer and it was evident that Freddie was not going to soothe himself back to sleep. Louis felt his little forehead and gave it a kiss, glad to feel no lingering fever. He put his dummy back into his mouth and tried to soothe his son.</p><p>“I know making teeth is hard work lad, I’ve done it too. But you need to sleep and I need sleep.” Louis said, cuddling Freddie to his chest. Freddie just snuffled and Louis laughed, his mum was right. He certainly got Louis’ attitude when he wanted it. She always said that she hoped his kids would be just as mischievous as he was and Louis knew that was now going to bite him in the ass. </p><p>Louis made his way down stairs and figured they could first try a bottle.<br/>
“Come on, you want some food?” Louis asked him as he tried to get the bottle into the boy’s mouth. It only made Freddie angrier and Louis tried to quiet him again. </p><p>His mum always swore by skin to skin so he gently laid Freddie on the kitchen island, keeping one had one him as he shucked off his hoodie, quickly switching hands in case Freddie decided to squirm around. He peeled Freddie’s onesie off his arms and zipped it so it was still covering his legs and grabbed a blanket from the couch.<br/>
“Alright, here we go” Louis said, picking him back up and laying him on his chest.<br/>
He continued back to the kitchen to the freezer for some frozen flannels he had shoved in there earlier.<br/>
“You’re okay son, daddy’s got you” Louis said quietly rubbing the baby’s back. He gently put the flannel up to Freddie’s mouth and he grabbed it with his chubby little hand and started to suck on it.<br/>
“I’m sorry you’re hurting, love.” Louis said kissing his little head.<br/>
Louis took both of them back upstairs and into his room. He surrounded his bed with pillows and laid right in the middle of the king sized bed, never letting Freddie go from his chest.<br/>
“Go to sleep. I love you.” Louis whispered, kissing his head again and rubbing his back as Freddie chewed on the flannel. He pulled the sheet and blanket up but was careful to make sure it didn’t go anywhere near Freddie’s face. He was a little chilly but knew that once Freddie quieted and became dead weight, his squishy warm body would keep him warm enough.<br/>
He looked down and saw Freddie’s eyes getting heavy, he smiled at him and kept gently rubbing his back. Freddie let go of the rag and snuffled his head right above Louis’ seventy-eight tattoo and Louis just hoped that Freddie would now sleep the rest of the night.<br/>
He waited a little before he tried to close his eyes to make sure that Freddie was going to stay asleep. He thought of the first night he and Briana had Freddie at home after his mum had gone back to England, he had stayed with her in the house he was renting for them just to be close the first few weeks, and Freddie wouldn’t stop crying and he called her and she talked both him and Briana off a ledge and reassured them that Freddie was fine, it turned out he had outgrown his newborn clothes and the onesie had been digging into his feet. </p><p>“Love you, mum” Louis whispered as he kissed Freddie’s head again.<br/>
Tomorrow he had to face her first birthday without her and he was pretty sure him and Freddie weren’t going to do much the next day. He didn’t want to talk about it or talk about her. He couldn’t, at least not without tearing up or full on crying. He felt like he didn’t know who to turn to. He was glad none of his friend’s understood this pain but he knew he had to be strong for his sisters, he didn’t want to worry his grandparents anymore and he wasn’t as comfortable talking to Mark as he had been and Dan had his own grief and struggles with the twins. He knew that some of his public persona had invaded his personal life and he wasn’t entirely sure who he was anymore. He had been dodging Liam and Niall for the last two days, knowing he would break down if he talked to them on the phone and Harry seemed to have given up contacting him. </p><p>Louis woke up to Freddie trying to wiggle out of his arms. He cracked an eye open and saw it was sunny out, which meant they both had at least slept.<br/>
“Da” Freddie shouted<br/>
“Yea, yea, lad I’m up” Louis said blinking a few times, trying to figure out what was happening.<br/>
Freddie got himself sitting on Louis’ chest and his chubby little hands were on Louis’ face.<br/>
“Enough of that, you’ll poke me eye out” Louis said laughing and kissing his hands<br/>
“Morning Fred” He said, lifting him before he smacked a big kiss onto Freddie’s little cheek.<br/>
Freddie's crying came back into his head and he quickly checked for a fever but was pleased there wasn’t one. Freddie seemed pretty happy this morning and Louis hoped that it stayed this way.<br/>
“Let me see all those teeth” Louis said, tickling his belly to get him to open up. He gently pulled Freddie’s chin and saw two knew ones and that must have been what had been bothering him so much. Louis put Freddie’s arms back into his pajamas and just cuddled him to his chest.<br/>
“Hopefully this teething nonsense is over for a little” Louis said kissing his head<br/>
Freddie just huffed and cuddled into Louis. “I agree” Louis said laughing.<br/>
He never thought he would be having one sided conversations with his kid but he did it with his siblings so he really shouldn’t have been surprised. Freddie didn’t say many words, just the basic ones but he babbled constantly and he figured he passed his loudness onto his son. Freddie’s expressions warmed his heart and made him laugh, he loved how expressive he was now. </p><p>“Let’s get you some food, and we gotta let Cliff out” Louis said, getting out of bed and remembering his hoodie was discarded downstairs. He needed to shower anyway and decided to throw on a t-shirt. He quickly changed Freddie’s diaper and put him back in his onesie since it was a little chilly.<br/>
“If!” Freddie yelled from his arms<br/>
“Yea, Cliff should be hungry too” Freddie said, spotting his curly black dog laying on his dog bed in the living room.<br/>
“If!” Freddie yelled again<br/>
“Cliff” Louis called out and the dog came barreling towards them. He was clumsy and silly and Louis loved him tremendously.<br/>
“Nice Cliff” Louis said, crouching down, reaching Freddie’s hand out to teach him how to gently pet Cliff and not bang on him like a drum like he usually did. Josh had gifted Freddie a little baby drum set for his first birthday and he honestly never thought he could hate his drummer and friend but he did. He didn’t actually, but it was one of Freddie’s favorites so he usually sent Josh videos of Freddie banging on it so he could hear the sounds as well and threatened to ship Freddie and drums off to him to listen to. </p><p>They played with Cliff on the floor for a little, Freddie sitting between Louis’ legs and rolling the ball to Cliff who happily brought it back to his partner in crime.<br/>
Louis' phone started to ring and it scared him out of the happy trance he was in watching his son and puppy play.<br/>
He braced himself when he saw it was his Nan. Today was his mum’s birthday, her first birthday without her here. And yes, he’s sadly not been home for them before, but this time there is no celebrating at a different date or flying them out to wherever he is. She’s not here and she’s not coming back, and that’s a thought he has been avoiding all week.<br/>
He swiped to answer the facetime and pulled Freddie up so he was hugging him in his lap.<br/>
“Morning Nan” Louis said smiling<br/>
“Darling how are you?” His Nan asked him<br/>
“I’m good, how are all of you?” Louis asked<br/>
“We’re okay. We miss you a lot” She said waving to Freddie.<br/>
“Say Hi Nan” Louis said gently, waving his little arm.<br/>
Freddie babbled and he and his Nan just laughed<br/>
“Alright Lou?” She asked gently<br/>
He had spent a lot of time with his mum’s parents growing up. At first it was because his mum was a young single mum and needed the help, they had lived with them for a little and after they moved out,they still spent a fair amount of time with them, having family dinners and watching Rovers games. He loved how close his mum was to her parents and she made sure she was that close to all of her children, he just hoped he could do the same with Freddie.<br/>
“I’m alright, Nan. I promise” Louis said<br/>
He had a hard time talking about his mum, he usually talked around it and it was something that he knew worried his grandparents. His dad only wanted back in his life after One Direction started. Louis made the effort growing up, his mum allowing him to make the decisions as he was old enough to understand them but his dad would cancel at the last minute and act like he never had time for Louis. Louis had told him about the x-factor and he had made fun of him for it. He was eighteen then and decided that was it. His dad only came back once people started to follow One Direction. His relationship with Mark had gotten a little rocky over the years, he considered Mark his dad and it hadn’t even come out at first that Mark wasn’t his biological father. Even after his mum and him divorced Mark always made the effort but then he had some issues of his own and pulled back so the girls didn’t get hurt and see it but Louis took it as getting left yet again. He knew he shouldn’t and he never let on to his sisters, but that was how he felt. He looked down Freddie babbling to his Nan and promised himself that would never happen, he wouldn't let it.<br/>
“Sweetheart you need to talk about these things” She said gently<br/>
“I’m...not ready, Nan” Louis said, hugging Freddie a little closer to him. He knew he was supposed to comfort and take care of Freddie but in a way Freddie comforted him. He didn’t understand or care about any of Louis’ past mistakes, or what people in the media said about him. As long as Louis loved him, fed him and changed his nappy he was a happy little baby whose smile melted Louis’ heart. So maybe it wasn’t fair to put all of that one a one year old but he did anyway.<br/>
“We miss you, wish you were with us today”<br/>
“I know me too. But I couldn’t pass up extra time with this little lad, I think his footie skills are really coming along” Louis said trying to lighten the mood. He knew that his Nan knew what he was doing but she let it go.<br/>
“And how is Freddie?”<br/>
“He’s good, some new teeth that led to a slight fever and a rough night but he seems fine today” Louis said looking at him trying to pet Cliff again.<br/>
“No Freddie, we don’t pull Cliff’s fur” Louis said, taking Freddie’s hand off Cliff.<br/>
“He hasn’t quite figured out that he;s hurting Cliff yet” Louis said laughing a little<br/>
“He seems very happy with you two” She said smiling<br/>
“It’s what I needed today Nan, just me and Fred and Cliff. Quiet and uneventful” Louis said<br/>
“I know dear. I just worry”<br/>
“I know you do” Louis nodding “I miss you guys too, wish I could be in two places at once. But that’s not a new feeling”<br/>
“When do you think you’ll be back?” She asked<br/>
“Not sure, I didn’t think it would be good to leave until the charges are dropped which I’m told should be any day now. The pap that I tripped with is trying to make it a big deal but there’s a video of him following El and I and being told by staff that he shouldn’t be where he was.”<br/>
“Oh Lou, I’m so sorry you’re going through all that. You let me know when you’re coming back and I will cook you all your favorites, proper take care of you, love”<br/>
“Nan, I’m a grown man, I’m alright” Louis said laughing<br/>
“So you don’t want your favorites?” She asked giving him a look<br/>
“No, no I would very much like those” Louis said laughing and truly smiling<br/>
“We’ll visit soon too, you’re granddad has been getting around better now”<br/>
“I know, he’s figured out how to text but he can’t figure out facetime and you’re the opposite. I thought the girls would have had you all up on that” Louis said laughing which caused Freddie to laugh.<br/>
“He’s such a good baby” His Nan said gushing<br/>
“He really is. But he does have some sass at times”<br/>
“Wonder where he got that from, love”<br/>
“Yea mum was very pleased. Didn’t even know a two week old baby could proper sass me but he did” Louis said laughing again<br/>
“Yes you did” Louis said looking down at Freddie and tickling his belly.<br/>
“Are the girls alright? I’ve been texting Lottie and she seems okay. Fizz is pissed at me but what else is new and twins I think are alright, and Doris and Ernie still don’t fully understand everything”<br/>
“They are, both twins are alright. Fizzy just misses you, she’s the most like you, you know. Keeps it all in, tries to take care of everyone else. And Lottie is doing alright, she’s been amazing with babies”<br/>
“I know Fizz is struggling, I told her I’d fly her out if she wanted to be with me but she said she promised mum she wouldn’t cut school so I told her just to go home for a few days. But don’t worry I still check up on her relentlessly. I’ll work on getting her to at least talk to me”<br/>
“I wish I could take it all away from you kids. I know you’re still in pain boobear, you need to talk about it”<br/>
“I can’t alright Nan. I just, I can’t” Louis said, his voice going tight. Freddie looked up at him and he swore the kid looked stressed so he just kissed his head and brushed his hair out of his face.<br/>
“I love you Louis”<br/>
“I love you too Nan” Louis said, giving her a small smile.<br/>
He talked to the rest of his family until Freddie started to throw a strop and Louis decided he should feed him before he took off the finger that kept finding its way into Freddie’s mouth.<br/>
He felt a little better after talking to his family, but his Nan was right. Him and Fizzy were the only ones that couldn't talk about Jay without immediately getting emotional. </p><p>Louis put Freddie in his highchair and put food in Cliff’s bowl and then heated Freddie’s baby cereal and mashed up a banana for him.<br/>
“Can’t wait for you to try coco pops, lad. I’ll have them shipped from England if I have to” Louis said, carrying over his tea and making sure it was on the table far away from Freddie’s little hands and then he started with some of the banana. Freddie took the little spoon from him and he fed himself. Louis beamed at him and how in a year he went from getting tattoos and sleeping on tour buses to melting at watching his son feed himself he’ll never know. He sent the photo to his family and locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. He didn’t want Freddie to always see him on his phone even if he was still young. He also hardly posted any pictures now because Freddie’s entire existence had been questioned right from the start. Louis hated all the rumors and lies. Yes, him and Harry had been together, Eleanor had been his girlfriend at one point and then he pleaded with her to keep dating him while she was in Uni so he wasn’t stuck with a new beard every few months like Harry. But him and Harry had been over since early 2014, they got back together again around his mum’s wedding but then they both decided to just be friends, which was much harder than Louis ever dreamed possible. He and Eleanor had a friend’s with benefits arrangement for a little and then she finally wanted out, she was out of Uni and wanted to move on with her life and Louis couldn’t blame her, but they stayed good friends. Zyan left him, adding that to the list of people that he’s either left or have left him. At first it was just the band but then it was clear that it was also Louis he left and he knew he didn’t handle it in the most mature fashion. Him and Harry became proper friends again after Zayn left, the four of them knew they needed each other and they both demanded to at least be able to look like they knew of each other’s existence in public. Louis started to party a little too much in 2015, he hated change and since he was publicly single for the first time, he may have taken advantage of being able to party it up. And well that’s how he got Freddie. He never regretted it, never not wanting him, yes, he was nervous and scared but his mum was only eighteen and she believed he would be a good dad and that’s all that mattered to him. He wanted to keep it quiet a little longer but that obviously didn’t happen. He still isn’t sure who leaked it, but he never wanted Briana or his unborn son to receive that much hate. Louis decided to just not acknowledge it publicly after he confirmed it, Briana and her family had been at some shows and he saw the hate on twitter and decided that it wasn’t worth opening Freddie up to that hate. He was a baby and it was Louis’ job to protect him, he would post pictures here and there but after the custody issue he pretty much stopped. His phone was filled with pictures of Freddie, he was always sending them to his family and friends but those were the people that mattered and so he decided to separate his work life and his personal life. Towards the end of the band none of them used social media the same way, they couldn’t everything was too big and too public. He didn’t need a bunch of likes or retweets to love his son. If Freddie wanted him to post pictures of him when he was older then that would be his decision. He knew Briana wasn’t thrilled with it, Louis questioned her intentions at times but never voiced it out loud and he would never threaten child support or anything, he never wanted that stress on Freddie, but she had mostly respected his wishes and kept him off social media. </p><p>His phone started ringing again and he saw Anne’s name show up on the screen. He kept in contact with Anne and Gemma and Robin just like he knew Harry did with his mum and siblings, they all had been so close, it wouldn’t have been fair of either of them to make the rest break off contact. </p><p>He picked up his phone and swiped over to talk to her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Niall and Harry show up but the only people Louis wants to be with today are his dog and his kid.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hi Anne” Louis said answering the phone</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, how are you darling?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright, how are you and Robin?” Louis asked, always happy to talk to Anne. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We alright, love. Just wanted to check in on you today” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay. Feeding Freddie breakfast, Cliff’s at me feet. I’m alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And how’s Freddie?” Anne gushed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hold on” Louis said switching it to facetime </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie say hi” Louis said putting the phone in front of him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello Freddie” Anne said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waved his spoon, spilling some banana on himself and the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no” Anne said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feeding time with him is a mess I never could have imagined. Worse than the food fights Sarah used to yell at us for.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he looks so cute making a mess.” Anne said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, and his cuteness works on me everytime, mum said the same thing about me too.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re with him today, if you can’t be home” Anne said more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’ve got the lad all week” Louis said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re mum would be so proud of Freddie for making a mess for you” Anne said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had worried she was going to start the mum would be proud speech, he wasn’t ready for it, didn’t know if he ever would be. But he should have known Anne wouldn’t do that to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m convinced she told him to never listen and make a proper mess any chance he got” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looks more like you every time you send pictures” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does, almost feel bad Briana was the one that had to birth him, aside from the hair color he’s a Tommo” Louis said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s adorable Louis. I’m glad you two have each other” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis said, feeling himself getting emotional. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling, I know I said I wouldn’t pry but I just want to make sure you’re alright. Gemma said she’s only heard from you once after the airport and same with Harry. I know I haven’t talked to you since then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne, I’m alright. I wanted to be with Freddie for mum’s birthday, figured it was better to stay till they dropped the charges. Just haven’t really wanted to be social” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want to make sure you’re alright. I know how hard everything has been for you, and how strong you’ve been and you have been taking care of everyone else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded, knowing if he talked he would cry. Anne and his mum were also best friends and they stayed best friends after him and Harry had broken up and they both made it clear that they weren’t going to let the other walk out of their lives. Anne was essentially another mum to him, even before they dated. She had been around a little more in the early days because Harry was so young, she trusted Louis to look out for him and live him with and he wasn’t entirely sure how Anne didn’t hate him but he wasn’t going to question it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only really started processing things now, if I’m honest” He wasn’t the best liar, but he couldn’t lie to Anne, she could see right through him like his own mum. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry’s in LA dear, if you need a friend. I don’t know how things are between you two, that’s your business but he’s there and Gemma is going to visit him next week. I’m sure she’d love to see you and Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just feel like being alone today” Louis said knowing that Anne also didn’t approve of him being alone for his mum’s birthday. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have Freddie and Cliff and they don’t make me talk about how I’m feeling as long as I feed both of them and play with them they are happy and that’s all I can mange today” Louis said tightly. “I’m...Anne, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I know you mean well” Louis said, feeling like an ass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those closest to him knew that he took his stress out on the people he was closest to, that he would let it build and then he would snap and feel terrible and then everything he had bottled up would come tumbling out. Anne was one of those people and they both knew it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright to ask for some help Louis, and it’s alright to not be okay. You’ve been through a lot, not just in the last year” Anne said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis searched her face as he helped Freddie feed himself, she didn’t look mad and she wasn’t giving him this pitying look that he hated when people gave it to him. She just looked concerned for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed hard and Freddie decided to lighten the mood and get more mashed bananas all over the place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui lad, in your mouth” Louis said guiding the spoon </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still working on the spoons?” Anne asked laughing, changing the subject so she didn’t upset Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s about fifty-fifty with making it in his mouth or everywhere else” Louis said laughing lightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood up to get a rag and sip some of his tea, bringing Anne along with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a few more sips and Anne knew he was lost in his head and let him go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really do appreciate you calling and caring. I know I haven't been the best at communicating and I’ve been mardy. I just want you to know how much it means to me.” Louis said seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Louis, you know that” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and blinked back a few tears and Anne gave him the time to do so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing good Louis, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, darling” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, not fulling believing her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just, it’s hard. You know? And Fizz is having a hard time but she needs to stay in school but I also need to be with Freddie and Bri won’t let me bring him to London to be with Fizz. Sorry, I’m rambling” Louis said, cutting himself off with tea.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can always talk to me, even if it’s just to ramble. I’m pretty good at keeping your secrets” She said, giving him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t Gemma and I visit Fizz at school before Gemma leaves for LA, I know she regularly talks to Lottie and Fizzy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I would really appreciate that. Thanks Anne.” Louis said, grateful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was about to say something else when there was a small crash, he whipped around and saw that Freddie had pushed the little bowl of baby cereal onto Clifford, who was laying under the highchair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh lad no!” Louis yelled, putting his mug on the island and going over to Clifford and Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was happily clapping his hands together, he was covered in food and now so was Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, everything alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie decided to share his breakfast with Cliff, I better go. I don’t want him to track it through the house” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no” Anne said laughing “Good luck, Lou. You need anything, I'm only a phone call away. Love you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, Anne” Louis said warmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put his phone to the table, away from the mess and as he leaned down Freddie smeared his breakfast covered hands onto Louis’ shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fred you’re killing me today” Louis said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got Clifford’s collar off of him and dropped it into the sink to wash later and led his clumsy puppy out to the fenced in backyard and then brought his water and food out since he was going to need to give him a bath before he came back in the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got some more breakfast for Freddie since he knew he hadn’t eaten enough and this time decided to just feed him. It was cleaner and faster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are a proper mess today lad” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Da!” Freddie yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea you got it on me too, don’t worry. You better not do this with coco pops or we are going to have a serious chat. You’re not allowed to waste Coco Pops, love.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finished feeding Freddie and got him out of the highchair, it was later than he was expecting but he had no plans so it didn’t really matter, and they had slept later. He popped off Freddie’s food covered onesie and pulled his own shirt off since before he could wipe Freddie’s face, he had snuggled into Louis’ shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why” Louis said, looking sternly but then laughing. He could almost hear his mum saying well why not love, it’s something you would have done. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went and got a clean flannel to clean them both up when his doorbell rang. The area he lived in required a key code so he knew it must be someone he knows and if it was Niall, well he might have to kill his best friend because he had already told him to leave him alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better not be your Uncle Nialler” Louis said grumbling, walking over to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could see through the frosted glass, that yes it was his Irish best friend and groaned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any reason you’re standing at me door while I’m free balling it in pajama pants and covered in bananas and cereal?” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo! Tiny Tommo!” Niall said happily, ignoring Louis’ mood. “Also would ask what kind of wild night lead to that and you being shirtless but since you’re holding a baby I guess it wasn’t too wild” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of wild nights do you have?” Louis asked giving him a look “Nope don’t wanna know” He decided opening the door more now to let Niall in and saw who was standing behind Niall. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Harry?” Louis asked shocked. He mentally went through what he could possibly look like, why he still cared after all these years how Harry saw him he’ll never know. They hadn’t been together since 2014 and while they stayed friends through the bend, and were still on speaking terms, things were a little distant. Louis had leaned pretty heavily on him when his mum had gotten back back in the fall, and then after the funeral he basically stopped talking to him. He knew he was wrong but he didn’t have the mental energy to process through it. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hey Louis, hi Freddie” Harry said giving Freddie a big smile</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall” Louis said tightly through his teeth </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t think I was going to let you be alone today did you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you lad but I’m really not in the mood” Louis said moving so both of them could come in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was cuddled against his chest and Harry was giving him a weird look and Louis instantly put a hand on Freddie’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had no idea we were coming?” Harry asked him quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope. Told this one I just wanted to be alone today.” Louis said giving Niall a slap to the balls</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously, you’re even holding a baby and he didn’t even move” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m skilled” Louis said, shrugging as Niall recovered from the quick jolt of pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened here?” Niall asked as they walked back into the kitchen </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Breakfast” Louis said “Freddie is probably a neater eater than you ever were” Louis said which earned him a hearty laugh from Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let Cliff in, I have to give him a bath. Freddie was quite generous with his breakfast this morning” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I thought you knew” Harry said glaring at Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said awkwardly, Niall went a slightly shade of red but ignored them both.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Niall asked laughing as he and Harry set some bags down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was on the phone with Anne and he pushed his cereal onto Cliff who just happened to be laying at under the highchair” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne?” Harry asked surprised </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, you’re mum called me this morning” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded and Louis wasn’t entirely sure this morning could get more awkward. He was very aware that he was literally only wearing pajama pants and nothing else and a shiver went down his spine. He figured he should be glad he wasn’t just in boxers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to do today?” Niall asked Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um nothing with you. Just wanted a quiet day with me kid and me dog” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Niall said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said leave me alone today, Niall” Louis snapped which got him an angry cry from Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shut his eyes and willed himself not to cry too. His nerves were fried, his kitchen was a mess and his friends wouldn’t leave him alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want you to be alone today. Just worried about you, mate” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis opened his eyes and saw the genuine concern on Niall’s face and even Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you’re cleaning my kitchen Horan” Louis said, tossing him the flannel in his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do that” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, if us being here is going to upset you, I can go” Harry said gently, wanting to give Louis an out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. It’s fine. Just. Yea” Louis said gesturing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall told me he told you we were coming” Harry said now giving Niall a look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told him the other day that I didn’t want him too” Louis said glaring at Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I forgot?” Niall asked shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dumb blonde doesn’t work on you anymore Ni. And we’re immune to your Irish charm after all these years” Louis said, not letting Niall off that easily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t have surprised him like that” Harry said to Niall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And all three of them knew that Harry meant that Niall shouldn’t have surprised Louis with Harry like that. They were friends, they were civil and they would always be there for each other but there was still a lot of love and hurt between them that hadn’t been properly dealt with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to pick up Payno and I can pick up lunch” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did Liam lose the ability to drive?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No he just misses me unlike you” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do miss you lad, just not today” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Louis both registered what Niall said and how he meant he was leaving Harry with Louis. It wasn’t the first time their friend had tried to get them back together, it never worked but it did lead to Harry and Louis being friends with benefits through the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 lead to Niall writing Temporary Fix after he had accidentally walked in on them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait isn’t Payno gonna be daddy Payno like any second?” Louis asked, knowing his friend’s girlfriend was due almost anytime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She couldn’t stand his worrying, shipped him off to LA, he flies back tomorrow” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine whatever” Louis said calming down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I have a few errands and then I’ll get Payno, he had some meeting and then I’ll bring Pizza for lunch. What does tiny Tommo eat?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are those bags?” Louis asked pointing to his island </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dinner. But I can always make it and leave it for you since I was told you knew we were spending the day. There’s also homemade baby food, friend of mine told me about this little place, thought Freddie could try it” Harry said shrugging.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis relaxed, Harry still knew him. Still knew not to force anything on him. Other than his mum, Harry knew him the best, saw him at his best and worst and saw all of his moods. They had been through a lot together, needing to hide their relationship and it all got to be too much and they were too young and Louis ended up breaking up with Harry to protect them both in 2014. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, H” Louis said. He almost said Haz, but he hadn’t called Harry that since they broke up and he was pretty sure he would cry if he said it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pizza’s fine Ni. I gotta get Cliff and this lad cleaned up thought. And myself” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If!” Freddie yelled, clapping his hands together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie kept lifting his head off Louis’ shoulder and looking at Harry. Louis finally looked at him and realized he still didn’t have his curls, he knew he had cut them for a movie, but he didn’t think he would ever get used to them being gone. Harry was only wearing some joggers and a t-shirt. And he looked like the same Harry that Louis knew, not Harry Styles the popstar and that honestly brought him some comfort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure he can half say Cliff but he can’t say Uncle Niall” Niall said tickling Freddie in Louis’ arms. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Freddie seemed confused by both of them even though he had seen Niall only the week before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we’ll be waiting a while for that one” Louis deadpanned. “Go on, go get Payno and I swear if you show up with more people you will get a proper slap to the dick this time” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No more, I promise” Niall said grabbing his keys and leaving </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry stood in the kitchen awkwardly for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had no idea you didn’t know. I’m sorry, I would've given you a heads up” Harry said apologizing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine. Just a little moody lately, sorry for not responding.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright. Just wanted to you to know I’m here for you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said nodding “Well now that I feel proper exposed, let me go get Freddie changed and then bathe Cliff” Louis said looking down at himself, knowing that his pajama pants weren’t leaving much to the imagination without any pants on underdeath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can help” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on” Louis said motioning for Harry to follow him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So free balling it huh? Thought you usually liked pants” Harry said laughing.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't forget to comment, please! I should be updating every week, maybe twice a week depending on my schedule.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some big secrets start to get revealed.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Alright let me get this lad cleaned up” Louis said walking into Freddie’s room </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had made it Footie themed, because why wouldn’t he. Harry looked around, noting that Louis clearly had picked it all out himself. Harry had been to Louis’ LA house before but it was right after he had called him to tell him about Jay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can clean him up if you wanna go wash Cliff” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can help, he’s been a little clingy with cutting some new teeth” Louis said laying Freddie on the changing table and grabbing some wipes. He wiped all of Freddie’s breakfast off him and motioned to Harry to make sure he didn’t fall off the table while he got some clothes out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember the first time I changed Lux?” Harry asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were murdering her by her screams” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you had to warm the wipe in your hand!” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor girl, you froze her bum” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well not all of us had an army of sisters that gave us experience” Harry said  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis reached down and pulled up the diaper and wipes and Harry held his hand out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do it Lou, give you a break” Harry stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know if he wanted to cry or scream or punch Harry because Harry shouldn’t be this nice to him. There were a lot of unresolved feelings on both parts and Louis knew he’d been a bit of a dickhead in needing Harry and then just not answering him but it didn’t seem like Harry was carrying a torch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You remember how to do it?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Harry said determined </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just motioned for Harry to continue and Louis just made faces at Freddie to keep him occupied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh H, he will wee on you, and he will be quite proud of it” Louis said tossing a wipe over the baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh right, yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just giggled and then rolled his eyes at himself. There was a time in his life where he pictured him and Harry casually talking over a baby, their baby. But that seemed so far in the past now, Louis wasn’t always sure it actually ever happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m guessing you learned that the hard way?” Harry asked raising an eyebrow </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was only trying to give the lad a bath, he got me in when I picked him up to put him in the baby basin. He’s also pooed on me too. That was far messier and much more unpleasant” Louis said cringing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie decided to make his presence known and babble about. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, daddy didn’t think it was as funny as you.” Louis said tickling him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now that’s a story” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought he was done, he very much wasn’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least you were the one to handle the bodily functions in the band” Harry said laughing, knowing he was a bit more squeamish </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea remind me to tell Neil that he still owes me for helping him wee after he hurt his knee” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’ll really love it when you call him Neil” Harry laughed and finished diapering Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Never in a million years would Louis have expected Harry to be changing his son. Harry was supportive of course when he found out he was going to be a dad but Louis could tell he was a little hurt, and maybe even jealous. They had talked about having kids together and a family and a house and well life wasn’t easy on them. That was another thought Louis decided to push out of his head for the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me go wash up.” Harry said pointing to the fact Freddie had spilled the powder all over Harry’s hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rookie mistake, always make sure it’s closed” Louis said laughing “Second door on your left” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis pulled on Freddie’s little black Adidas joggers and slipped on his baby vans that were slightly tacky on the bottom since he was working on his walking and pulled on a long sleeve Rovers shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Much better” Harry said walking back into Freddie’s room </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis picked Freddie up and Harry just laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I?” Harry said holding his phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck no, I look like proper shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t. I’ve seen you look worse. But oh right, free balling it and all” Harry said laughing “God he looks just like you. He’s literally your twin” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t stop social media from saying otherwise” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, that’s shit that they do that” Harry said more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked at Harry a beat too long and Harry closed the space between them and gently touched Louis’ arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re alright, Lou.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded back and stood there awkwardly, not trusting himself to talk. They both knew what social media thought, some thought that Freddie wasn’t Louis’, that he would never sleep with a women, couldn’t get it up for anyone other than a man, some thought it was just an elaborate coverup for his and Harry’s relationship and others thought he cheated on Harry and honestly it all just hurt. There were others that thought he was terrible for moving on so fast after Eleanor or that it was just a quick one night stand. Briana and him didn’t have anything serious, just a fling really. And well sometimes condoms break. That’s why he promised himself to do whatever he needed to protect Freddie from the world. He and Harry had ended it in 2014, Louis needed to take care of himself and he needed to protect Harry. He wouldn’t let management hurt Harry or use him to hurt Harry, but it was still him that ended up hurting Harry. Harry was just starting to get confident with wearing whatever he wanted and started to be more open and Louis wouldn’t let anyone mess that up. It in turn shoved him further in whatever proverbial closet there was and made him question who he was, but at least he knew Harry was getting his confidence even if he himself was smoking too much, living on too much redbull and not eating enough. He still cringes at how thin he was at the end of 2014. Louis never really had any other thoughts or opinions for any boy other than Harry, something he discussed with him mum, she told him that Harry was special enough that it didn’t matter, he loved him as a person and not necessarily becuase he had a dick. Louis wasn’t sure how he felt about that or how Harry would feel about that but he knew he wasn’t gay, he liked women as well. He hated all the speculation and theories, some could be funny but others either were too accurate or too out there to ever be true. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want me to watch Freddie while you sort out Cliff and yourself?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought it all over and before he could say anything Harry just held his arms out for Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, if you don’t mind” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie immediately went for Harry’s hair. It was still shorter than Louis had seen it a long time, but Freddie reached up a chubby little hand gripped onto a piece in the front. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, lad no” Louis said, peeling Freddie’s hand open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing I got rid of the curls” Harry joked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They looked good on you though, curly” Louis said, feeling his face heat up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll grow back.” Harry stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks good on you though, makes you look younger in a way. Ignore me, I’m talking shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I uh, teared up a little after they made the cut” Harry stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw” Louis said and Harry just nodded, both choosing to ignore the fact they don’t follow each other on instagram but still look at each others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he need anything or are we good to play?” Harry asked, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, he’s all good. I’ll wash cliff and then take a quick shower if you don’t mind” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all, me and this little lad will go have some fun” Harry said tickling Freddie who happily smiled at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If he needs me, just walk into the bathroom. And let me know if he feels warm, he had a slight fever last night but he seems alright now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will do.” Harry said “Wonder what trouble we can get into now?” Harry said smirking at Freddie. Louis just rolled his eyes but also smiled at how well Freddie had taken to Harry already. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went down and got Cliff and wrangeld him into his oversized shower washed him all up and towel dried him and put on a clean collar and brought him back down stairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright in here?” Louis asked popping into his living room and seeing Harry and Freddie rolling a ball back and fourth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He even has the same face when he concentrates like you” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I said to your mum this morning, I almost feel bad that Bri was the one to carry him and push him out, he looks so much like me. All the hard stuff and he barely even resembles her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s beautiful Lou.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded, knowing his emotions were going to betray him. He wanted a future with Harry more than anything but the pressure and lying got to be too much and Harry was now free to do what he pleased and Louis loved him enough to know he couldn’t hold him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go shower, now you do look a proper mess” Harry said laughing at Louis’ half wet self since bathing Cliff was not an easy job.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was standing in his shower, letting the hot water fall on top of him. He didn’t know what to make of Harry holding his kid. It was too real, too much of what he wanted, and it hurt. He didn’t know if he and Harry could just be friends, or if there was too much History, and whether or not his own heart could handle it. He eventually made his way out of the shower and dried off throwing on clean pants and joggers and a soft t-shirt and some socks. He brushed his hair back and attempted to make it look decent, but eventually gave up and just towel dried it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harry and Freddie had been playing with the ball when Freddie started to fuss a little. Harry picked him up and walked him around the room, “Should we look at some pictures little man?” Harry asked, bouncing him in his arms </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t surprised that Louis had his family room filled with pictures of his family and friends and more of the band than he had imagined. He was surprised to see the one that Jay had taken the first day the two of them moved into Princess Park. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I lived with your dad too, always took proper care of me. Just maybe watch out for his cooking.” Harry said pointing to the picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went down the line and saw the one from when they played MSG and Wembley before he commented to Freddie that Freddie didn’t even know what Wembly was. There was one with the band all lined up at the end of their last show in Sheffield and one of the four of them at their last performance on the x-factor, they all looked near tears, and if Harry was honest they all cried together after the show. He made it down to one where Louis was holding a newborn Freddie and Harry noticed how much healthier Louis looked a year ago. He had gotten really thin again, looked exhausted and weary beyond his years. Harry promised himself that he would be a better friend, he knew that Louis was trying to shove it all down and Harry promised he would be there when Louis couldn’t take it anymore. Louis hadn’t always been this closed off, years of management hounding them had changed. Louis had always worn his heart on his sleeve, didn’t mind emotions. He always claimed living in a house with that many women, emotions really couldn’t bother him. He always encouraged the boys to talk about what was bothering him and he prided himself on always willing to listen to them or to be a shoulder to cry on. But ever the years, Louis lost some of that for himself. He closed himself off a litte and Harry regrets not pushing harder back then, back when they were still together. He noted that the older man had been close to tears several times just this morning and couldn’t imagine what kind of pain Louis was really in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know how much your dad loves you, yea? He’s great at taking care of people and loving people. He was my best friend at one point, I miss that. Miss him.” Harry said, thankful that as far as he knew Freddie couldn’t repeat any of this to his dad later on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Him and your Nanna Jay, they were so close. They loved each other more than anyone I ever knew. I know that’s what your dad wants with you too. You be good for him, alright? I hope you haven’t learned how to pull pranks yet. He’s sad, your dad. Trying to take care of everyone else. He was never good at taking care of himself, but maybe taking care of you is what he needs.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis had been coming down the stairs when he heard Harry talking to Freddie and he paused to listen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re dad’s one of the best people I know. He’ll make sure you're a proper footie player and that you are kind and loving but also know how to stick up for yourself. He just wants what’s best for you and to protect you. People are mean sometimes, but your dad always tried to protect me, he loved me too. Got that big heart from Jay, I know how much she loved you, loved you two together. She was so proud of your dad, so happy to be his mummy and your grandmummy, he won’t say it, your dad, but I know how much he misses her. But I’m sure when you’re old enough he’ll tell you all about her. She was a wonderful lady, Freddie. It’s her birthday today, I’m sure you don’t remember her birthday last year but I think this picture is from it” Harry said pointing to a family shot at a restaurant in Malibu. She loved you and your dad very much” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spun around when he heard a small noise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had listened a few words too long, because he was in tears, hiding on the stairs in his own house with his ex-boyfriend holding his son, telling him what a good dad he was. Louis quickly jammed his fingers into his eyes and stepped down the last few steps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Harry asked concerned </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea, shampoo in me eye or summat” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked at him and Louis knew that Harry knew that he had just heard some of that conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, Lou come here” Harry said gently opening the arm that wasn’t holding Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis waited a moment before he felt more tears barrel their way out of his eyes and he walked over to Harry’s outstretched arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her” Louis quietly mumbled into Harry’s chest. He felt safe, a kind of peace that only Harry used to be able to give him, and he knew he wasn’t going to keep it all together if Harry kept being this nice to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do” Harry mumbled into Louis’ shoulder. Louis wrapped one arm around Harry’s middle and gently had the other on Freddie’s back and Louis could feel how tight Harry was holding him with just one arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry gave him a tight hug before he let go and put Freddie into the little playpen and dumped a bunch of toys in there with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked back over to Louis and encircled him into a hug. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let it all go, Lou. I’m here” Harry said quietly as Louis brought his hands down from his face. Harry walked them into the little sitting room next to the living room, knowing Louis wouldn’t want to cry in front of Freddie and upset him, but they were close enough to hear is Freddie cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could tell Louis was trying to swallow all of his emotions and Harry knew that it would only lead to Louis losing it later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, I know you. At least I think I still do. You can’t keep burying it all down” Harry said, sitting them down on the sofa. He gently stroked Louis’ knee and Louis leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped his eyes and tried to calm himself down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” Harry asked softly, moving his hand to lightly scratch Louis’ back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why the fuck are you being so nice to me?” Louis bit back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, I’m not gonna fight with you, just let your emotions out” Harry said, hoping to skip past the part where Louis tried to act fine while arguing and then broke down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Answer me” Louis demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took his hands off Louis and leaned forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because like it or not I still care about you, because even though we all are off doing our own thing I still bloody love you boys like family and nothing will ever change that. Fuck if Zayn called and said he needed someone or bail money or something I’d fucking do anything for him too. I still care about you Louis, still differently than the rest of the boys, and I know you’ve gone through some shit and I also know that you handle it by throwing yourself into taking care of everyone else around you” Harry said sighing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t, not now” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis I’m not asking you to jump back in bed with me. I’m only asking that you let me be your friend, be my friend. I’ve fucking missed you” Harry said stopping himself because he vowed not to get emotional or Louis would ignore his own emotions </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a shuddery breath and Harry continued, but this time he moved to sit on the coffee table so he was looking at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still can read me better than anyone I know and I hope the same is still true for me. And if it is, fuck Lou, you’re in so much pain and you won’t let anyone in and you don’t deserve any of it” Harry said, voice cracking at the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head and buried his face in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, look at me please?” Harry asked softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally looked up at him and saw the concern on Harry’s face. This was exactly what Louis didn’t want to happen today. Or ever with Harry. Harry had seen Louis breakdown more times than he’d ever like to admit and Louis was determined to not let it happen again, he knew Harry hurt him and he knew that he’s hurt Harry. Therefore, he felt he no longer had the right for Harry to comfort him. But Harry was looking at him like he was trying to hold Louis together and that broke Louis heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t. Please” Louis begged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not to be a dick but like the airport incident could’ve been a lot worse. You look rough, you seem exhausted and I say a few nice things to you and start to tear up. Lou come on, you headed down a bad path. Just let someone in for fucks sake” Harry said, trying to keep his voice even. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you have it all figured out then?” Louis yelled “Fuck! Fucking Niall, this is excatly why I wanted to be alone today” Louis said getting up from the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to do everything alone” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well look around, I have a one year old that I need to keep it together for” Louis said pointing to the other room </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, you won’t be able to take care of him if you work yourself into a fucking nervous breakdown. And you do have people Louis, you just can’t push them away” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s rich coming from you” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We both made mistakes, but you broke up with me instead of just fucking talking to me” Harry yelled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What the two of them didn’t know was that Niall and Liam had come back and were in the living room, but decided the two of them needed to get this out of their systems. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I DID IT TO PROTECT YOU!” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you on about?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat under the big window and drew his knees up to himself and laid his head on his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget it” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, no?” Louis bit back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t forget it. You said you did it to protect me and but all it did was break my heart, Louis. You broke up with me.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis closed his eyes and felt the tears escape out of his eyes. He was going to properly kill Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to do this today” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea and you never will. Somethings never change” Harry said shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew he was baiting Louis, he had to challenge him to get him to open up and he was scared of what Louis’ reaction was going to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Louis said sadly, most of the anger gone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then tell me” Harry said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head and folded in on himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou come on” Harry coached “Is it because you had a problem with how I started to dress or that I wanted to wear nailpolish, you can tell me. I won’t get mad.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just looked at him like he was crazy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you think that?” Louis asked shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s all the same time frame. When management was on me about my long hair, when they caught me with nail polish and yelled at me, when they wouldn’t let me wear what I wanted. I get it Lou, it was so far from what you were.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, no no no” Louis said, feeling the tears come back. All he wanted was to let Harry be whoever he wanted and Harry has thought all along that Louis didn’t like who he was becoming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no, absolutely not” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked his head up and looked at Harry and held his hand out for Harry, he hated himself for doing this, for needing Harry, but he did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He licked his lips and rubbed his eyes with his shirt sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, you are one of the most beautiful people I know. You’re unapologetically yourself and I know it took you a while to get there. You remember the very beginning after the one TV performance and then you got a lot of hate over your singing and blazer and whatever else people wanted to be dicks about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yea, great time in my life” Harry said sarcastically </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And do you remember what I told you that night when you wouldn’t stop crying?” Louis asked softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck them?” Harry asked giving him a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly” Louis said taking a deep breath “And” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you loved who I was, and always would” Harry said, feeling his voice catch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that you needed to be whoever you wanted” Louis finished for him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s why I broke up with you” Louis admitted quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were worried about growing your hair out so I quietly grew mine out and kept dodging Lou and her scissors until eventually you noticed and let your’s go too. That was your first step in going along with whatever you wanted to do. Yea all of our styles changed over the years, thankfully I ditched the espedilles and braces, someone should have slapped me for that but my point is that was a big step and some people liked it and some didn’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You lost me” Harry said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged his knees but continued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know how 2013 was amazing, all the way around?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And 2014 started off fine and then turned shit?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had a meeting with management and, I promised myself I would never tell you this” Louis said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh um…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m already talking Harold so just shut up and listen”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just laughed but nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They knew you had talked to Caroline about changing up your style, trying patterns and whatever else, being more whatever the fuck you called it back then? Authentic or some shit? And they asked me how I felt about my boyfriend dressing like a girl, then why didn’t I just go date a girl. And I swear to God, I’ve never hated someone more. And the more you and me were well us, the more they were going to restrict you. And I stupidly thought I could protect you from it, they, they knew I wouldn’t tell you that they weren’t going to let you dress how you wanted. And I stupidly thought that if I could tone us down then maybe it would take some of the pressure off, but they had their own plan and I unknowingly played into it. I may have accidentally leaked the weed video when I was drunk one night. Zayn knew about it, he didn’t care at that point. I thought if people were all hung up about that then you could slowly wear what you wanted and by the time people noticed it just would have been your normal clothes. They were going to use our relationship to hurt you or punish you and I wouldn’t allow it but in the end they won anyway because I was still the one that hurt you.” Louis said, tears streaming down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They head a loud gasp and and Louis ran out to the living room, thinking someone broke in and he needed to get Freddie. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What the fuck?” He yelled when he saw Niall and Liam, who also both had tears in their eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was right behind Louis and glared at his best friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We heard you talking, we didn’t want to interrupt” Niall said putting his head down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall honestly I ask you for one fucking day of peace and you fuck it all up, bring Harry into it knowing full well where my emotions were and I just, I’m so mad at you!” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went over to Freddie in the playpen who looked a little alarmed. He picked his son up and cuddled him to his chest. He knew judging by Freddie’s face he must be scary looking so he just laid Freddie’s head on his chest so he couldn’t see Louis’ tear stained face and red eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to upset you, I just didn’t want you to be alone today. I know you’re no good at asking for help. I’m sorry Lou” Niall said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m convinced me Nan put you up to this” Louis said sitting down with Freddie now that he had quieted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She didn’t. I’m just worried about you. We’re all worried about you” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t want to make it any harder on you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just love you, Tommo” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt his emotions betray him once again and then before he knew it Freddie had put a little hand on his face and yelped loudly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea?” Louis asked laughing lightly at the baby in his arms </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See even Freddie knows we all love you” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want us to do? I can make the dinner and put it in your fridge and we can go or we can stay. Louis it’s up to you” Harry said, composing himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might as well stay now that you’ve inserted yourselves into the shitshow that is me life” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not a shitshow Lou” Liam said moving to sit next to him on the sofa. Liam slung an arm around Louis and hugged both him and Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall did you intentionally know this would all set me off?” Louis asked, giving him a look, still being cuddled by Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You needed to get your emotions out” Niall said cringing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah so you’ve talked to Oli” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We all would have been less concerned if you hadn’t shipped him and El back to England” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eleanor?” Harry asked knowing she’d been around but didn’t know if they were back together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just friends, H” Louis said knowing what he wanted to know </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We love you Lou. Never meant to cause you more pain” Niall said sitting on the other side of him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis laid his head on Naill’s shoulder. He wasn’t actually mad at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to talk, Harry” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and Louis then looked between Niall and Liam “And how much did you two twats eavesdrop in on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please leave some comments and let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis and Harry finally talk about their past.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Come on now, don’t be shy. Little late for that” Louis said nudging Niall with his foot and giving Liam a look at Freddie tried to climb his way off Louis’ chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it true Tommo?” Liam asked seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What true?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why you broke up with Haz, that it wasn’t just the stress or didn’t know how you felt about him anymore or whatever shit you said back then?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe that was a conversation between me and Harold” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look Harry and I need to talk first, but I need a smoke or several so you two can try to eavesdrop and Harry and I will go outside.” Louis said standing up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here Liam, practice.” Louis said plopping Freddie into Liam’s lap </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kissed Freddie’s head and said “And be as naughty as you want for Uncle Payne in daddy’s ass” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all laughed and Freddie just happily clapped his hands and laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear you’re kids first words are gonna be fuck you, you little shit” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, Bri would kill me” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I really hope it’s at you with both middle fingers up” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam remind me to not help you when you can’t figure out how onesie snaps work in the middle of the night and you’re dead on your feet” Louis said, grabbing his lighter and cigarettes out of the cabinet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He promised his mum he would try and stop but it didn’t seem like his stress level was going to allow that anytime soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harold?” Louis asked walking over to the slider. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and followed and Niall and Liam went and sat by the door. Louis wasn’t making it easy to eavesdrop but they both knew that he was more comfortable talking to Harry rather than all of them. When there was something bothering them before this is how they sometimes told each other if they weren’t sure how to, or they would talk to each other through their bunks on the bus if something was really was bothering them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, if you don’t think you can handle this today it’s alright. You clearly weren’t expecting all this today.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Weren’t you all just lecturing me about not keeping things inside?” Louis asked toying with the carton in his hands </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yea” Harry laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mind?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shook his head no and Louis offered him one but he turned it down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told mum I’d work on quitting. Fizz does it now too. Found out after she swiped mine. Had a proper go at her and basically told me I was the reason she started. So add that to the list of things I’ve fucked up.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She still having the hardest time?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just looked at him confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah right, we talk to each other’s families but can’t have a fucking conversation with each other” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can change that you know.” Harry offered stelling Louis’ cigarette from between his fingers and taking a drag </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not looking to get blamed for getting someone else started on this shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t do it often, you know that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, not with your asthma, you better not” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, just us with big ears inside. Let it all out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, there’s so much fucking shit in me head I don’t know where to start” Louis laughed dryly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where ever you want. You didn’t always close yourself off. Maybe it’s time to change that.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ever think about us? Like what could have been?” Louis asked looking out over his backyard. Because it was just one more thing that was different, according to his realtor. It’s a backyard, gardens are where you plant food and flowers, he thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” Harry nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis stated as he lit up a second </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t chain em Lou, not good for you”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If Freddie wasn’t here I would’ve gotten proper pissed right after my morning tea, part of the reason I wanted him. Drinking a little too much again if I’m honest.” Louis said awkwardly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re aware of it, that’s good” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aware of a lot of things, Harry” Louis said taking a long drag </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re gonna talk around things, can I just ask questions?” Harry asked slowly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel proper exposed already, so why not” Louis said shrugging.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to do this today. We never really had a proper chat about all that” Harry said, gesturing awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should have done it back then, but we both were too stubborn.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can talk another day, you don’t have to put yourself through this today.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t what?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Give me that pitying look. The sorry your mum died look. Can’t fucking stand it” Louis said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry, just don’t fucking do it” Louis said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Louis I am sorry Jay died. I’ll try to fix my face for you though” Harry said sarcastically </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too fucking moody” Louis said shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh not anything new there, Lou” Harry said, giving him a small smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea yea, girly ass and moods to match I know what they used to say” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just so much shit I held in, you’re though. I used to wear me heart on me sleeve. But couldn’t when it affected both of us.” Louis said lighting up another one, despite the look from Harry. “Where do we start?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess start with what you were saying earlier, breaking up to protect me. I honestly thought you were just over the whole thing, over us, the secrets.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right into it, why don’t you” Louis said fiddling with his sleeve </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry plucked the cigarette from Louis’ mouth and took his own drag again but coughed it out quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think that’s enough for you.” Louis said making sure he was alright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, come on. You had started to open up before dumb and dumber blew their own cover. Jesus there’s a baby and a dog in there and two grown adults blow their own surveillance.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you lot all did leave school early. But I wouldn’t except anything else from those two.” Louis said giving him a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, stop staling.” Harry pushed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright” Louis huffed and took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I always promised I’d protect you, and when I started to lose who I was a little bit, I never wanted that to happen to you. I fought with them to let you just be you, you were always worried about people not liking you and you were quirky and adorable and sexual all at the same time and you had this deep voice and broad shoulders and then you’d fucking prace around on stage like a princess and I knew you were comfortable with yourself and I couldn’t have been any prouder. It’s so easy to see why everyone loved you.” Louis said, voice starting to waver. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went to reach for the carton and Harry intercepted his hand and just held it. It was a two smoke rule Harry had implemented years ago after Louis had started to chain them and then couldn’t get rid of a cold. Harry already knew Louis was on his third so Louis just shot him a look but didn’t light another one.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And at the same time I was losing who I was. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be in the band and I didn’t want you to know. I was always scared of losing you because you literally could’ve fucking had anyone you wanted and maybe I was good enough at first but then not so much. And let’s not start on the people leaving me and daddy issues that’s not what this is about.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded. “Louis, I didn’t want to be with anyone but you. I never understood why you had such a hard time with that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, oh fuck” Louis breathed out. “Promise you won’t get mad. Like I need you to promise me that.” Louis said, hands shaking a little. “Because if you can’t, I can’t have this conversation today.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Harry said stroking Louis’ hand with his thumb. If he was being honest he was a little worried about what Louis was about to divulge. But so far Louis had been honest with him today and if Harry needed to control how he felt about whatever was coming next, he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The same dickhead from management that was always up my arse about everything. He started, I still hate myself for this.” Louis said, getting emotional. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heyyy no hating yourself.” Harry pouted sadly. Louis just looked at him and he saw the genuine concern on Harry’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He would tell me that us loving each other was wrong and gross and shouldn’t happen, that you could have anyone and I was just a quick fuck and that he didn’t know how you loved me because I was small and could never get rid of the slight pudge of my tummy at first. And it all started to eat at my head. I started to lose the little pudge what halfway though tour in 2013 and I was so proud but then I just seemed to get smaller and smaller and fucking dainty as people put it. But the comments didn’t stop. I should have reported him to someone else because it was bloody fucking sexual harassment but I didn’t want to seem any weaker than I was. So I took everything, said to fly El out whenever, do whatever with me in the press as long as they left you alone. There’s more, I just. I don’t know how to talk about it. Only me mum knew, and I only told her after she first started getting really bad.” Louis said, hugging his knees to himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Harry said shocked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, just wait.” Louis said composing himself </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded. He put his hand on Louis’ knowing Louis likely wouldn’t hold it, but it brought him some comfort and he hoped that it would bring some Louis as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is the part you can’t get mad about” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could see his whole demeanor change and it scared him slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I loved you, still do. That’s not today’s issue. I hope that you knew how much I liked being with you, that being with you for two years was worth all the shit, I would change how things went if I could, not completely but I would have changed how we ended. How we were treated, all of us really. But the part that finally broke me in 2014 when I knew that I couldn’t do it anymore. Anytime I started to go against them or if people started to talk about us as a couple too much, he would threaten to not let you wear what you wanted or he was going to force you to get a haircut. He started to paint me as the dickhead and yea sometimes I really should’ve bitten me tongue on twitter but that was my own doing but some of the other shit they sent to the press, he really didn’t care if I had a bad public image. He said people were less likely to believe you would date me. Because you pranced around and loved everyone and then I was this dickhead partier. So I became the fuck it all I care about nothing but getting laid and partying.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew how much you hated it, why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because they were only going to take it out on you!” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just closed his eyes and breathed deeply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate that you’ve thought for the last three years that I broke up with you because I was uncomfortable with you being yourself, because that was so far from the truth.” Louis said sadly </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I was hurt, I should have known better, should have known you better.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The weed video, I didn't expect it to hurt us the way it did and when it happened I never meant to take away from Niall raising all that money. I was drunk and angry one night and I told Zayn my idea and so we released it. And I never dreamed of the hate we would get for it. How many people smoke weed at Uni? It was no different but I get it was wrong and people do look up to us and it was irresponsible. I also never meant to hurt you or the rest of boys in the process. I was mad at management and once again, it just came back to bite me in the arse.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it’s really not a big deal anymore. Most of the fans moved on from it. I guess I was just mad because we all had worked so hard to get where we were and I thought it was reckless for you to film it. I didn’t know how it got released. You two were always sketchy with that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, why do you think Alberto wouldn’t let me go anywhere without anyone but him after that.” Louis said “I’d never seen him or Paul so angry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looking back it really wasn’t a big deal, but the fans went a little nuts.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As they sometimes can” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask why you were so mad at management? That made you release it.” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was a few days after they caught you with your nailpolish on and yelled at you for it. I still can’t believe you thought I cared if you wore it or not. I mean I can’t see meself ever wearing it but if you wanted to give it a go there’s nothing wrong with it. I mean I helped Lux paint them for you.” Louis said giving Harry a small sad smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did always encourage whatever I wanted to try. I just figured that you didn’t like it and didn’t know how to tell me. Management might have told me to tone it down since you didn’t like it. I don’t know why I believed them and not you.” Harry said dumbly, it all now clicking in his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fans say I’m your first fan and well they got that one right” Louis said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But how did you go from being mad to being like fuck it and did whatever you did with the video?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was the day after I held you after you cried all morning when I had to take it off because you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were so sad and hurt.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wiped his eyes again and opened his mouth to talk and Harry grabbed Louis’ hand tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You asked me why they wouldn’t just let you try it, what was it hurting? And I already didn’t know who I was, and you asking me that I just fucking lost it. They had already made me question who I was, I couldn’t let them do it to you.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know that affected you that much.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s bloody fucking hard to love youself let alone someone else when you don’t know who you are and I never…” Louis said cutting himself off, emotions getting the better of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry sniffled and Louis squeezed his hand. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I never wanted you to feel that way” Louis said so quietly Harry barely heard him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell Lou” Harry said leaning forward and hugging Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hesitated but then buried his face into Harry’s neck and wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist and Harry just held Louis, both of them crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis mumbled into his shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, don’t you dare apologize” Harry said firmly “I’m the one that should apologize, I don’t know how I didn’t know there was more going on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finally pulled away from each other and Louis bit his nails, old habits sometimes die hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never had lit into you if I had known. Fuck I was just so angry that you would have recorded it and then you kept saying you didn’t know how it all happened. And all you were trying to do was give me some confidence.” Harry stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were still so hesitant over it all and I knew how much it upset you after management yelled at you. I didn’t know how else to fix it. The main reason they yelled at you so much was because we got papped coming out of dinner when it was just us and like that one picture surfaced until management got it taken down.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine” Louis said “I’m still the one that ended it” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did what you thought was right at the time and I didn’t respect that. I was used to you taking charge with management and when they started to finally break you, I should have paid better attention. I was used to you fixing everything.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t regret that last night with you though” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me either, also gave you a damn good song” Harry said smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never wanted to love you goodbye though” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think either of us could have sung it on Four” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well it got shot down for Four beucase it would’ve been too bloody obvious they said. Since El and I were still publicly together.” Louis said bitterly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I blamed you for a while when I was hurt and I know that a lot of the fans that did believe in us blamed you and I guess I bought into it and I shouldn’t have. I don’t think I wanted to acknowledge how hurt you were so I ignored it and took advantage of you dealing with management. For that I am sorry. You would go against them and then if you didn’t I would get upset, it was a cycle we were stuck in and you were smart enough to get us out. I’m sorry, Louis. You deserved better.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, yea. Thanks H” Louis said, surprised Harry apoligzed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s more though, that you should probably hold off on any apologies until I tell you.” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This the part I can’t get mad at?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and swallowed hard, looking down at his patio. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When the bloke from management would say all this stuff about how I was hurting you and the band. He also started to put it in me head that this wasn’t what you wanted, that I was taking advantage of you and it was wrong and immoral and whatever other fucked up shit he could think of. And they knew that I didn’t consider myself gay, and they knew that I sometimes had a hard time figuring out what I was and eventually, you know how sex got less and less?” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and searched Louis’ face to see if he could read him, but he was totally closed off, eyes dark and hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He, he told me that I knew it must have been wrong since I couldn’t admit that I was gay. That sleeping with a man would hurt all of our careers and if I really did love you I would have been able to convince them to put us through all the stunts. And it got to a point in my head that when we were cuddled up after sex that I’d look at you and think I was hurting you and that maybe he was right. Maybe I could do it when it was just a good conspiracy theory but not out in the open. He said that he knew you wanted out, no labels or anything just love but that…” Louis said cutting himself off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry hugged Louis, both had tears in their eyes. And Louis breathed deep trying to calm himself down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said that I couldn’t even give you that. That I was just using you when El couldn’t be there or just as a way to get off. And that was the one thing you made me promise you in the beginning was that you weren’t just a friend to experiment with, and I was so scared of hurting you or letting you down that I hurt you anyway and they got me to do it. Sex you with was amazing and I never thoguht about it then but after, it’s when those thoughts would start and I started to convince myself that I didn’t love you, didn’t love sex with you that it was just convient and that just mad me sad, because I knew none of it was true. I didn’t know how to tell you any of it. We had been fighting more and I didn’t want to burden you with this and you start questioning everything. So I cut you off and I ended it and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I was broken and there was too much pressure to not break and if I did, I didn’t want you going down with me. The drinking, the weed, none of it helped. The only thing that fucking helped was you. Even if we were just watching a movie, or eating together. When it was just us, everything was fine and I knew how I felt about you but then it was all too fucking much and I coulnd’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt you, you’re beautiful H, all the way around and I feel so lucky to have been with you for two years. But it still hurts that I wasn’t good enough, couldn’t be good enough and I knew that letting you go so you didn’t see all that was the only way to protect you. You weren’t, just like a one off, easy fuck Haz, I fucking love you.” Louis said, tears streaming down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t know what to say. First, it was the first time Louis called him Haz in years, and he said he still loves him. There were so many emotions surging through his head. He was angry at management, a little Louis that he kept all this from him but not actually mad at Louis. And he mostly was heartbroken that the thing that brought them together and gave them these lives was also the thing that broke them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t” Harry said, voice croaky with emotion. He was still hugging Louis tight enough that he was pretty sure he was hurting him but Louis was hugging him just as tight and it was the best feeling he’d had in a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry that I hurt you.” Louis said into his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry pulled Louis in between his legs on the oversized lounger and Louis buried his face into Harry’s neck and wrapped his arms around his torso. Harry had one arm wrapped around Louis and the other in his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You protected me, Lou. I can’t get mad at you for that. I’m not mad, I get why you felt like you couldn’t tell me. But I wish you had, by that point I wasn’t some kid that needed to be protected anymore but I probably would have done the same thing if it had been me.” Harry mumbled into his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s why it was so hard when you would get mad at me and take out whatever shit and throw the fact I broke up with you in my face. Because I didn’t want to, I felt like I had to, to save both of us. But I didn’t want you out of my life, it’s why I pushed so hard for us to be friends when Zayn left, part of why I was so against the break at first.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that why even after we broke up you sometimes still acted like we were together?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck’s sake Lou, that’s a lot to carry around.” Harry said wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, and I get if you need time to process it all.” Louis said cupping Harry’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you ever tell me sooner?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well to be fair, I hadn’t planned on telling you today either” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, right” Harry said letting out a strangled laugh “I’m glad you finally told me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get back to you later to see if I feel the same way” Louis said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this why you either were pulling me back in and then pushing me away just as quick?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, looking guilty. “Didn’t know how to process everything. Mum knew most of it and then I told her the rest the end of the summer.” Louis said “She wasn’t exactly happy with me, said I should’ve went to her sooner, that we both should’ve went to her and Anne.” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I um, talked to your mum a bit one day when I visited her at the hospital, you were home with your sisters. She asked me about our breakup, and said how worried about you she was the whole year. How thin you had gotten and how you just were small all the way around, not her same boobear.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hearing his old nickname teared up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck, I’m stupid, sorry.” Harry said instantly pulling Louis into a hug </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just caught me off guard” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and continued. “She uh she asked me if I honestly thought you were yourself that year and I don’t know how I kept telling myself you were fine that year because you weren’t. You kept getting sick, you were so thin, I mean I don’t know what I kept telling myself at the time but you weren’t you and I made that harder for you. You could have told me though. I don’t know what I would have done. But you shouldn’t have had to do it yourself.” Harry said wiping his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum always believed we were meant to be together that one day we would both be old and in a care home telling everyone there who would listen about our days on the road.” Louis said giving Harry a wet laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry gave him one of his squeaky laughed and they both were surprised by the noise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get you back to yourself before we wind up in an old people home.” Harry said nudging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Breaking up with you is now no longer the hardest thing I’ve done, losing mum is but H, I never wanted to. I just needed it all to stop for a second, I felt like I was floating away and I felt like the only way to save us both was to let you go.” Louis said, voice wavering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked Louis dead in the eye and nodded. “I understand it now. I didn’t then but I do now. And I hate that you carried all that on yourself.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you” Louis said hugging Harry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you too” Harry said running his fingers in Louis’ hair. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I miss your curls” Louis said, giving him a sobby laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do too.” Harry said, meeting Louis' eye as he ran his hand through Harry’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t let you lose yourself this time. I promise.” Harry whispered to him, rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean whatever I believe in, I gotta believe that it was all me mum’s doing for having me tell you all of it today.” Louis said, giving out a wet laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She always knew better than us” Harry said hugging him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just squeezed him tight and they sad there a few more minutes when they were interrupted by a red-eyed Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, forgot they were listening” Louis said burying his head in harry’s chest again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, I think this little lad is hungry and Liam and I agree he probably shouldn’t have pizza yet.” Niall said, holding a stroppy Freddie. He knew that Louis wasn’t going to want to talk about it anymore for right now so he ignored it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better not feed me one year old pizza Neil” Louis said taking Freddie from him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Niall asked hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and Niall asked Harry the same, hugging them both. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you listened to it all?” Harry asked giving Niall another squeeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m told I’m the captain so I have to” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay the fuck off twitter, mate” Harry said laughing, collecting himself better now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Give us a sec Ni?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall nodded and he and Freddie went back inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we okay?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Louis. I’m glad we finally talked about it. We should have talked before now, but it’s not too late.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went back inside and Louis took Freddie from Niall and he caught sight of him and Freddie in the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are a right mess, Fred” Louis said brushing his hair off his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He also kept trying to eat me shirt so I grabbed one of those frozen flannels in the freezer” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh good, yea those have seemed to help” Louis said putting Freddie into the highchair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around and saw Liam nervously leaning against the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno?” Louis asked, wiping his eyes on his shirt again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? Yea? You alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay. What’s wrong, you look like you saw a ghost” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t know what to do when Freddie cried, but Niall did and Niall isn’t about to be a father” Liam said panicked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leemo, look at me” Louis said placing his hands on Liam’s shoulders </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam looked at Louis like he was about to inset some fatherly wisdom to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler cheated, he saw me give Freddie a frozen flannel a little over a week ago. You’ll be fine” Louis said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just burst out laughing at how seriously Louis said it and it certainly lightened the mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t call you daddy direction for nothing Payno” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be great, I mean Lou can do it” Niall said cheekily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui Horan, you’re gonna get kicked out” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea” Liam said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam, it’s scary and you constantly feel like you’re going to shit your pants you’re so worried, which is ironic if you think of it, and you're gonna feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. But it’s also the best feeling ever when they give you this goofy little gummy smile or the first time they wiggle against you when you’re holding them. It’s the best and it makes the lack of sleep and all the bodily functions worth it. It’s normal to be scared.” Louis said putting a hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Tommo” Liam said hugging him again “I missed you” Liam said squeezing Louis tighter </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too, lad” Louis said, melting into Liam’s hug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat around Louis’ kitchen table and it really would have been like old times if there wasn’t a baby attempting to feed himself some mashed squash. Louis had taken off his precious Rovers shirt and popped a bib on him and let him try feeding the food Harry had bought for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seems to like it, I’ll have to go meself.” Louis said smiling as Freddie got most of the spoon in his mouth</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They had others, my friend said his kid liked squash the best” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you say thank you to Harry?” Louis asked Freddie knowing it would be a no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” Freddie said waving the spoon around</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Close” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to get lazy so Louis ditched his own pizza and fed Freddie the rest. He looked down as his pizza was being shoved into his face by Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Payno, the fuck you doing mate?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Practicing” Liam said grinning at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui I can feed meself you know” Louis said taking the slice out of his hand </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie happily kicked his feet about in his chair and alternated between Louis and the boys all making funny faces at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s such a happy baby” Harry said gushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He really is. He’s so sweet and just innocent, never thought I’d be one of those soppy dads” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s got some some real good facial expressions too” Niall said as he stuck his tongue out at him and Freddie made a face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, mum thought he already had the eye roll down too” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely a Tommo trait” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis would take everyones shit to a point and then he was just done. My favorite was when he was done in interviews and said whatever the fuck came to mind” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well sometimes they went to far” Louis stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are sat there and watched Freddie start to get sleepy. Louis was holding his hand gently when he finally looked back at the boys. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, for today, lads. I didn’t know I needed it” Louis said getting emotional </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boys all nodded thinking Louis had more to say so they just sat there before he stood up and unbuckled Freddie from his chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on lad, nap time” Louis said wiping Freddie’s lunch off on him and putting his clean shirt back on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis picked him up and he instantly cuddled into him. He caught Harry’s face out of the corner of his eye and he was looking at him with the same Fond smile he used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rubbed Freddie’s back and cleared his own emotions before taking him upstairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sometimes important conversations happen in the kitchen.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“He’s not okay is he?” Niall asked once Louis was out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno mate, think he’s struggling more than he wants to let on” Liam added </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he’ll be alright, but I think he’s holding too much in still” Harry finally said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, you two alright?” Niall asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it was a conversation we should’ve had before. I don’t think either of us are mad at the other, just don’t know how to just be us now. I blamed him I guess, and all I know is that I fucked up too. I mean he didn’t tell a lot of what had been going on back then but it was pretty awful. Not sure how I missed it.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t know cause Tommo didn’t want you to know. You were his baby, he would have done anything to protect you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that, it’s pretty much what he said, but a relationship goes both ways, you know? I don’t know what I would have done differently but at least he wouldn’t have all that shit on him.” Harry said playing with his rings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good he finally told you.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How much did you both know?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew he was trying to protect you, from what I didn’t know, really.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he told me and Ni different parts to get some of it out but swore us to secrecy.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You guys had a lot of pressure to keep things ‘in the bands best interest’” Niall said with a slight attitude “But they didn’t care that the rest of us were fine with it. And we fought for you guys and you guys for you but no one fought for all of us the way Louis did. You feeling like you took advantage of him for that or for being selfish about that. I think we all are to blame a little. He never let management put us down and never let us put our selves down. Feel like we all were a bit selfish with that, kinda got used to Lou fixing it.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just had how I was to him after the shock of the break up started to wear off when we couldn’t be friends. I really threw it back at him, hurt him more.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew that he was trying to protect you from something and I tried to get him to at least tell you that but he wouldn’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Based on today, I think it would have opened everything back up. It’s all just shit.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not easy to break up and keep working together” Liam said, Harry just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still love him.” Niall said. He didn’t have to ask, he already knew the answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just looked at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t need to ask mate, can just tell” Niall said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded and got up to clean up from lunch, needing something to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nap time, love” Louis said, cradling him and closing the curtain. He kept the lights off as he slowly rocked Freddie. Freddie seemed pretty tired but he was buying himself a moment to breath. He hadn’t ever expected that conversation with Harry and while he did actually feel a little better. He was tried, bone tired that a nap or a cup of tea wouldn't cure. He felt like anything and everything was going to make him cry. It’s what he was worried about, that everything would come tumbling out and he wasn’t sure he was ready and he wasn’t sure the boys were ready if it did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise I’ll be better for you, lad. You deserve a dad who’s not a proper mess or gets mardy in an instant and throws a strop. Daddy promised to be better Fred. For both of us.” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He quickly changed his nappy and got him situated for a nap before he started to slowly rock him again. He looked as what his mum would call is milk drunk and he smiled sadly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise to tell you all about me mum. She loved you so much, she was daddy’s best friend. Always knew she had me back. Just can’t quite talk about her yet, love. But I will tell you all about her, she’d like that. And that’s one of the hardest things for me lad, that you won’t get to know her and love her. And I’m scared me missing her will make me miss out on you.” Louis said, voice cracking. Freddie stirred so Louis paced about in his room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not perfect Freddie, but I promise to explain more when you’re older. So you know the real reason for things. Daddy lost who he was a little bit, those lads down stairs though. They help, more than they’ll ever know. I love you Freddie, and I hope you’ll always love yourself and never lose that. It doesn’t matter what you do or who you love, as long as you treat each other proper. We’ll get through this lad, me and you. I’ll be around more and I’ll be better. You deserve it” Louis said, wiping his eyes. Somehow it was easier to say these things to Freddie than it was himself. He’d been a bit emotional for days and after talking to Harry it didn’t seem like it was going to stop anytime soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie stirred and Louis placed him in his crib and rubbed his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to write you a song” Louis started to sing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought it was weird singing the bands songs to Freddie but one day Daisy and Phoebe were playing all the songs for Freddie and the twins and Freddie quieted down to I want to write you a song and now Louis sung it to him quite frequently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went through the whole song and finished “</span>
  <span>Everything I need I get from you</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Givin' back is all I wanna do, I want to write you a song, One to make your heart remember me. So any time I'm gone. You can listen to my voice and sing along. I want to write you a song.I want to write you a song.” Louis crooned out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down at Freddie again, sometimes he still got overwhelmed for the love he had for this baby, his baby. And sure maybe it wasn’t ideal at first and he was young and not with Briana, he wouldn’t change anything about having Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rubbed his back one more time and whispered I love you before he collected himself and went back down stairs where he saw Niall playing with Cliff. The three of them looked at him and he just gave them a weird look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright lads?” He asked confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sing Freddie our songs?” Liam asked him smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, how?” Louis asked knowing there was a lot he said to Freddie he wouldn’t have wanted the boys to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis come on, talk to us” Niall said petting Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kids got good taste in music thought” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it uh calms him, that one. Seems to like the last album. Midnight Memories gets him a little riled up, I would put it on when he was working on tummy time. I blame Daisy and Phoebe.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went and sat on the couch and motioned for Cliff to follow him. He pet Cliff before Niall spoke up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis are you alright?” Liam asked giving him a once over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine lads.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, come off it. We know you. You can’t hold all that in” NIall said putting his hand on Louis’ knee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d you hear?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby monitor” Liam said pointing. Louis just rolled his eyes, he knew it was down here somewhere. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could have shut it off” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t know you were going to go all soppy on us” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry started </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t Ni” Louis pleaded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re hurting, just let us fucking help you.” Niall said throwing his hands in the hair </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis actually felt a little better after talking with Harry and now they better understood the other but he wasn’t sure he was ready for the hurricane of emotions that would come if he started to talk about his mum. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s there to say, a year who she wasn’t even fucking sick. Or at least we didn’t know.” Louis whined angrily. “Why do I feel like I’m being ambushed?” Louis spat out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re here for you, when you’re ready. You did it once today, just get everything off your chest, mate.” Harry said gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One emotional chat in a day isn’t enough for you Harold?” Louis said rolling his eyes at Harry’s use of mate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Harry conceded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, mate. You can talk to us about anything. We know you won’t try professional help and you keeping it all in is killing you. Have you seen yourself lately?” Liam asked, concern all over his face </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I look like shit, I’m aware thanks Payno.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo, he means you got the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don’t have to do it alone.” Niall said, now sitting next to Louis on the sofa. Harry was in the big comfy chair and Liam was on the other couch </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you like for me to dump all of this on my baby or what about me little sisters and brother who are just as heart broken or better yet maybe my grandparents who are worried enough as it is and are in their own pain. Or maybe Stan and Oli, who have picked my fucked up pieces too many times to count.” Louis said angrily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have us” Niall said getting frustrated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I?” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Liam said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright yea sure, you’ve been off traveling and golfing and not having one fucking care in the world. I’m not gonna be the one to fuck that up for you.” Louis said to Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had plenty of your own issues to sort out the last year and now you’re gonna be a dad but sure like me drop all my fucking problems on you.” He said to Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you can finally be whoever the fuck you want and be with whoever the fuck you want. I’ve hurt you enough and we’re not who we used to be.” Louis said sadly to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So no, I haven’t got you lot either, because the main reason for our break was for all of us to sort out shit and get our heads back on right” Louis said “And instead I got far too much responsibly and no I wouldn’t trade Freddie for anything but I never imagined feeling like a fucking orphan at twenty-five or needing to find a balance between now feeling like I need to parent my siblings while still being their brother” Louis said deflating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell” Louis said getting off the couch and getting himself some water. He had a few cold gulps, he wanted a beer or some weed but not with Freddie, and he knew it would only alarm the boys. He had his head hung down and his arms braced on his counter when he heard footsteps behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please give me one fucking moment.” Louis said through gritted teeth </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard shuffling behind him but without shoes, he couldn’t figure out who it was and he wasn’t about to look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whoever it was waited a moment before speaking. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That’s the first you’ve admitted that, yea?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Louis should have known it would be Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t say anything or move, maybe if he stood still long enough Harry would walk away. He gripped the counter, knuckles going white. He was trying to get his breathing under control and it wasn’t working. It felt like everything was closing in on him again and the brief feeling of relief from his and Harry’s chat earlier had clearly worn off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not gonna give you the party line of it’ll be okay and it’s alright and the better place shit because it is shit. And it hurts and you’re in pain and nothing I can say or do will change that right now. And you do have too much on your shoulders and I get why you kept it all in, but I’m standing here telling you that you don’t have to. Give us some of it, you can cry and scream or fucking punch something for all I care. But just let yourself feel this. You need to feel this in order to attempt to heal from it. And before you cut me off, I don’t mean forgetting Jay. I mean getting to a point where you can talk about her and remember her without feeling like you’re gonna combust. Because that’s the point you’re at and I’ve seen you at this point before and putting it altogether from what you said earlier you’re on a slippery slope and Louis, I’ll do anything to help you through this. If me being around is too hard right now and the best thing for me is to let you be for a little then that’s okay but just let yourself fucking feel it all and it’ll suck and it’ll hurt but I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.” Harry said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had been to therapy after the band and had talked about the things that bothered him the most and it helped him to make peace with it and heal and that’s all he wanted for Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t” Louis whispered. His knuckles were white from gripping the countertop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said nodding even though he was still looking at Louis’ back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took a step closer to Louis and gently put a hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t” Louis said darkly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry pulled it back like he had been slapped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you scared of?” Harry asked him gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything” Louis whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay to be scared” Harry said calmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was losing control of himself and everything he was keeping in. He felt like he couldn’t breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I cry again, I’ll never fucking stop. Tears have been coming and going for days now. You saw me earlier, Freddie deserves better than a dad who can’t get his fucking emotions togehter.” Louis said in a choked voice, one hand now gripping his t-shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here, Lou. No matter what.” Harry said, hating to see Louis like this. It was rare for Louis to lose his emotions like this, Harry knew that it only ever happened once or twice and not like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t breath” Louis said gasping </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let out a strangled sob and everything closed in on him. Harry turned him around and pulled him to his chest. “Let it out Lou, you’re safe.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Louis’ fingers gripping his shirt, fingers digging into his back and Harry only held him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t breath” Louis gasped again and let out a sob </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can, Lou, your panicking. You’re safe, okay. Can you hear my voice?” Harry asked, getting a little concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It hurts.” Louis said, sobbing and gasping for breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it does” Harry said sadly. Harry got them both to the floor and sat there as Louis went between crying and gasping for air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Liam ran in and sat next to them. Liam got a cold flannel and put it on the back of Louis' neck and Niall weaved his hand into Louis’ grasp on Harry’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re all right here, we’ve got you. You’re not alone Lou.” Harry said shakily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t” Louis said sobbing “I miss her too much” Louis cried </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other three all met eyes, knowing the other was as heartbroken for their friend as they were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It should’ve been me” Louis sobbed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry lost a few tears at Louis’ comment and he just murmmed in his ear that it shouldn’t have been Louis, that Jay wouldn’t have wanted that. And they sat there all squished together on Louis’ kitchen floor while they watched their best friend and leader process everything he had tried to hide. They all tried to offer him comforting words but it seemed to only make him cry harder and louder. He was shaking and Harry wasn’t entirely sure he was breathing. Louis could barely feel Harry’s arms around him, he registered voices that were distinctly his three band mates but he couldn’t make out any words. He felt like the world was sitting on top of him and his wind pipe, unable to breath or move. He felt himself whimper and finally was then able to feel hands on his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please don't forget to comment and tell me what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis finally starts to crumble and the boys are right there to catch him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They were all squished between Louis’ kitchen counter and the island. Liam had one had on his back and the other holding a cold flannel to his neck. Niall still tightly had his hand in Louis’ which was still digging it to Harry’s back and his other on Louis’ back trying to bring the oldest member of their band some comfort. Harry had his arms wrapped around Louis and Louis was boneless against him still shaking and crying against his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let it all out Lou.” Niall said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re right here for you, mate.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were all tangled together, something that wasn’t uncommon, but it had been awhile. They all could feel how small Louis felt between them all. And Niall tried to get rid of his tears and felt slightly guilty that he pushed Louis into this. Liam knew this wasn’t the first time one of them had a panic attack, they used to have to flank Niall when the crowds were crazy but Louis was the least likely of them to have one and it kinda scared him. Harry would have done anything to take Louis’ pain away from him, he still loved him and if he was honest he was still in love with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, come on you need to breathe.” Harry said once he felt Louis’ erratic breathing start again. He rubbed his back hoping to get his attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It only made Louis gasp harder and they realized he was shaking and having a full blown panic attack. He tried to talk but he couldn’t get any words out of his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you’re okay. Breathe for me, please.” Harry said trying to get rid of the panic in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou we’re right here. You’re not alone. We’ve got you. You’re safe, and Freddie’s safe.” Niall said shifting and prying Louis’ hand from Harry’s shirt to put over his own heartbeat. Knowing that’s what they boys would do for him when his claustrophobia was at its worst. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry tried to get Louis’ head off of him so he could look at him but it wasn’t working. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They could feel him shaking and groaning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna be sick” Harry said frantically. He had seen Louis get sick before and could tell by the sounds he was making that they needed to act fast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam got up and got the bin from the other side of the room and angled it next to Louis’ head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re alright, you’re alright.” Liam said holding the bin, and rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis made a choking sound and the boy's eyes widened even further. Harry locked eyes with him and saw the fear and panic and he knew they needed to do something quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you need to fucking breath.” Harry said starting to panic. He tried to shift Louis so he could get a hand on his chest but he couldn’t get him to move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you’re having a panic attack. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, we got you, you’re safe.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Cliff was barking and they were pretty sure they all heard Freddie over the monitor but Louis was their first priority at the moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally squeezed Niall’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re safe Lou. It’s just us. We’re right here with you.” Niall said calmly and he and Liam now hugged his back, hoping it would calm him down now that he seemed more aware. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you breathe for me?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They heard Louis whimper and figured it was better than nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing great Lou” Harry said gently. He had finally gotten him turned around enough to be able to rub the center of his chest to get him to focus on breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Easy, breathe in and then breathe out with me.” Niall said calmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They could feel Louis wasn’t shaking as much and his breathing was starting to even out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stomach” Louis moaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam shoved the bin back to him and he got sick. Liam brushing his hair out of his face and Niall and Harry rubbing his back, reassuring him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shoved the bin back to Liam and was slumped between Niall and Harry, both of whom were supporting his whole body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam got him some water and rewet the flannel, placing it back on his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall helped Louis with the glass so he didn’t drop it and coached him to take small sips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay.” Harry said softly brushing his fingers through Louis’ hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and tried to regain his senses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me go check on Freddie” Liam said getting up now that Louis had calmed down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked like he was going to panic and try to move when Harry waved Liam off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We think we heard him over the monitor after Cliff barked and there was some commotion but he must have fallen back asleep” Harry reassured him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cliff came trotting over and plopped himself in Louis’ lap and nuzzled into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis mindless pet him as he regained his surrounds fully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Louis croaked out. He barely even recognized his own voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry transferred his full body weight to Niall and got him some more water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize Louis. But you’re safe now. You know where we are and everything?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kitchen floor.” Louis said shaikly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. You had a panic attack. But it’s over now, and you’re safe.” Niall said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you count to ten for me?” Harry asked sitting back down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and counted off to ten, calming down as he did so. He took some small sips of water as the boys instructed him to move his feet and arms and legs. Liam came back and sat back down in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I think about how she’s not here, not coming back and a whole life without her. It’s too much so I just don’t.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They just hugged him and let him ramble on with his thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It just hurts knowing I can’t call her or talk to her and I can’t hug her and I still need her. And she was so young” Louis said sadly “We all still needed her and she’s just gone. No amount of fucking money could save her, you know? I couldn't do anything to make her better. I begged her to go to a fancy hospital here in LA, New York and Philadelphia and they all said the same thing as the two in England. It was terminal and nothing could be done. She, she was here last year and fine and then she wasn’t and now she’s not fucking coming back.” Louis said crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys hugged him and let him cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t know what to say and they knew telling him it would be okay wouldn’t help because right now Louis didn’t believe that things would be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s so hard waking up every morning knowing she isn’t here. And some days I can’t get out of bed. And sometimes I can’t comfort my sisters because I can’t even comfort myself. And it just fucking hurts so much.” Louis said crying again. He started to shake a little and Niall hugged him tighter. Harry took his hand in his and Liam rubbed his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish there was something we could do for you, but it all just fucking sucks.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sobbed and the boys had tears in their eyes and Cliff was quietly laying next to them and Niall looked at Harry and Liam and wondered how they got here, and how much more Louis could take. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just miss her so much.” Louis whispered into Niall’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do, Lou. I know how much you love her.” Niall said kissing the top of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not coming back and I don’t know if I can deal with that.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There wasn’t anything else to say because Louis was right, they were worth millions but at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. It didn’t take away the pain and sadness and heartbreak in life. And while looking back they knew there were things they didn’t agree with in the band, this just showed them how much they all needed their families and each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When will it stop hurting?” Louis asked. He seemed so small and worn out asking this, and all three of their hearts broke because they couldn’t give him an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know Louis, I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting fully. People say time heals and all that, but I don’t know” Liam said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s kinda a cliche but I do think there’s a part of her always with you, you know? Like you were so close and you loved each other so much, she’ll always be in your head and I don’t think that’s a bad thing” Harry said knowing Louis was usually much more black or white than he was with his floaty ideas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis do you have any regrets?” Niall asked him cautiously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About me mum?” Louis asked sitting himself up a little </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Niall nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t think so. Should I? I mean other than not being able to see her and the rest of the family as much with touring and everything. Maybe if I’d been home more or if she hadn’t been so worried about me that last year and then about me having Freddie, maybe she would have paid more attention to herself or noticed it sooner.” Louis said, tears falling again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was something he didn’t know how to voice, almost a sort of guilt that he had been away for so long and then in the end it didn’t matter because his mum was sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Lou, you can’t blame yourself” Liam said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you can admit that you’re having a hard time with having been away, it might make you feel better, but you shouldn’t feel guilty.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if I had been better, maybe I would have noticed.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, look at me.” Harry said, taking Louis' hand. Harry honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if he snatched it away but he held it tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jay was meant to be a mum, she was an amazing mum and she would have worried about you and your sisters and brother no matter what. Yea she was worried about you but she would have been worried no matter what. She was a mum to all of us, only wanted what was best for us and she was so proud of you, and what you accomplished and how you made people feel with what you wrote. You mum’s favorite thing was being a mum to all seven of you and she always put all of you first, don’t make it more painful for yourself.” Harry said tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the oldest, I should have known.” Louis said sadly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, she didn’t know herself. It wasn’t like looking at her an extra second would led you to pick up on it. Louis this isn’t on you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It feels like it is.” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not Lou, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want you to feel that way.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know why it happened to her, or your family. It just fucking sucks but I want to believe that she’s always going to be part of you, giving you hints when you’re fucking shit up. I don’t know why she had to get cancer and why chemo didn’t work, and I know thats’ hard to understand but you did everything you could for her.” Harry said giving him a small smile. Niall and Liam caught his eye and they both knew then that Harry hadn’t told Louis about Robin yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had a great relationship with her, you’re a proper mummy’s boy and I know it was something you both were proud of. You always made time for each other, and you both loved each other so much. She was so proud of you, Lou. And you wouldn’t want her to ever be in this much pain. You have to know she wouldn’t want you to hurt this much.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what makes it hurt so much” Louis said sadly “I am a mummy’s boy and I know I still need her, and me siblings need her and I would do anything to be able to call her one more time or go see her one more time and give her one more cuddle. I just, I want her to know how much I loved her.” Louis said, tears falling down his face. He rubbed his eyes with his sleeves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She did Lou, of course she knew how much you loved her.” Harry said thickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you couldn’t have had a better relationship with her, I know you lost your best friend because she was also your best friend, not just your mum and it’s okay to be hurt and sad and cry” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course she knew how much you loved her, you know how much she loved you right?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She knew Lou, just like you know.” Niall said, wiping his own eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright to miss her” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know she’d wrap you in a blanket and get you a tea and give you a proper cuddle if she were here and tell you to let people help you and stop being so stubborn. She was always pushing you to open up more.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’d think I’m a right mess right now” Louis said, giving them a sad smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was so proud of you and she’d be so proud of you but she’d also want you to take care of yourself. She was always after you to eat better and sleep more and smoke less. She always just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll always need me mum and that’s the hardest part I think. Knowing she’s not physically here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s scary knowing she’s not here anymore and I’m scared of what comes next” Louis finally admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why you have us. If you feel like you need to be strong for your family, you have us to be strong for you.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll always pick you up Tommo” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No matter what” Harry said catching Louis’ eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I need to start singing Strong for you? Because I’m sure we could pull it off on the kitchen floor” Liam said knowing Louis was at his limit for serious talk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you lads” Louis said rolling his eyes at Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other three all agreed and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Liam asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Payno just lost me fucking mind on the kitchen floor” Louis said rolling his eyes. His tears had mostly stopped but he was exhausted and his eyes were puffy and they hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, fair” Liam conceded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I was keeping too much in though.” Louis said looking at Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No shit” Niall deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I lost it today” Louis said biting his nails </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize, you’ve been keeping too much in. You don’t always have to be a stubborn dickhead.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, getting what Harry was saying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you’ve felt you needed to be up me arse, Neil” Louis said leaning against Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been worried” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t want to let you lads know where me head really was. Knew you all needed to take care of yourselves.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, we’re always here for each other no matter what, no matter how long it’s been.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were basically suicidal and drinking too much. Don’t tell me I could’ve unloaded on you, Liam. I wouldn't have done that to you.” Louis said.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m doing a lot better now.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was only off traveling, just a plane ride away.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea and getting ahold of you was an issue sometimes.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would’ve come no questions asked, Lou. You know that” Niall said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get why you didn’t think you could call me but fuck it Louis, I’d always be there for you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just knew you all had things to work out after we took a break and I didn’t want to add to that.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not a burden Lou, no matter what we have going on. You and your emotions are never a burden.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re brothers, no matter what anyone says.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you didn’t want to talk I would’ve even let you pelt me with a water gun until you felt better.” Liam said ruffling his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I might take you up on, Payno. Love you lads” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a few deep breaths and finished the glass of water that was next to him and leaned against the cabinets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go take a nap” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall stood up and held his hand out for Louis to get up. “Come on Lou, go take a hot shower, you’re all sweaty and then have a nap. We got Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No buts, I can practice” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That only worries me more.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he’s back” Liam said standing up and hugging him tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got him.” Harry said joining the hug </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well don’t leave me out” Niall said putting his arms around Liam and Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank boys, I guess I needed to get some things off me chest.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at Niall who was about to make a comment and Louis just gave him a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, no I told you so.” Niall said. “Come on, I’ll wait in your room while you shower and give you a proper cuddle so you can nap peacefully. We all know I give the best hugs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and looked at the kitchen clock knowing Freddie would sleep for another hour and a half. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He pretty much only takes one three to three and a half hour nap now so you have time. Just wake me when he wakes up.” Louis said rubbing his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni put a cold flannel over his eyes for his nap, it’ll help the burning feeling” Harry whispered to Niall as Louis set out snacks for Harry and Liam to give to Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis starts to open up to the boys.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis stripped off his shirt and joggers in his room and Niall sat on his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Louis. I didn’t mean to push you into this or cause you a panic attack or anything. I just was worried.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright Nialler. I was being a shit, I’ve been holding it all in thinking it’ll go away but I feel a little better, or I guess I feel shittier but my heads a little clearer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are a right pain in the arse but I know your heart was in the right place” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You feel alright now, you threw up, not sure if you remember” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright, just exhausted. I vaguely remember Payno shoving a bin at me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think you’ll last in the shower? Not gonna collapse on me?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis may have heard Niall’s loud thud in the shower after he passed out after a panic attack from his claustrophobia and it had scared the shit out of him back in the early days of the band. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m okay” Louis said getting some fresh clothes out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He showered and by the time he got out he was half asleep. As he got in bed Niall got the cold flannel and laid down next to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek like he used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s probably the last thing you want to hear but I think everything will be okay, it’ll take time but you got us lad, and we won’t let you down, I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said, not wanting to cry again. He was tired and his eyes burned and his head hurt. “Thought you were going to give me a cuddle not a lecture.” Louis said lifting the flannel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was waiting until you were comfy, so needy.” Niall said rolling his eyes but also smiling and draping his arm over Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were a cuddly bunch the whole time they were a band and Louis was probably the most cuddly, physical touches always seemed to calm him down. And if he was being honest he missed this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get some sleep, Lou” Niall said, rubbing his thumb over Louis’s side.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis started to fall asleep easily and Niall only hoped and prayed that Louis would start to feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, Nialler” Louis said, pulling the blankets up over his head. He was mentally and physically exhausted and he trusted the boys with Freddie so he was actually able to fall asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He woke up a little later, it was still light out but he heard grumbling and the opening of his drawers. He moved the flannel and cracked one eye open and saw a shitless Liam going in and out of his drawers. He closed his eyes again and then he heard Liam yelp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck you doing over there, mate?” Louis asked, still sleepy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh it’s fine, go back to sleep” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I woke up when I first heard you, just resting me eyes” Louis said opening them now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need a shirt” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Second on the left” Louis said rolling his eyes because he was pretty sure Liam opened all the drawers except that one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Liam said, popping a t-shirt over his head. “How are you feeling” He asked as he walked over to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cuddle” Louis demanded and Liam happily climbed into his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay I guess. Feel less like I’m having a heart attack all the time” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you should get that checked out?” Liam asked concerned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stress, keeping it all in. You know that. Didn’t used to keep everything it. It just...made sense to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just make sure you’re okay. You don’t have to keep it all in, you didn’t used to and I know you started to in order to protect you and Harry but you don’t have to do things alone anymore.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why are you stealing my clothes. Liam did you spend all your popstar money? Niall has to pick you up, now you need clothes. Did you buy too many toys for your dog again?” Louis joked, over any serious conversation Liam was trying to have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Liam said laughing, lightly shoving him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I sold my car last time I was here, didn’t know what I wanted and just never got another. Short trip, Ni said he’d just pick me up. And for the shirt your kid fucking weed on me” Liam said giving him a fake glare </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good lad” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you’re happy about that” Liam said laughing at Louis’ expression </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably the funniest thing I’ve heard in months. Wish I could’ve seen your face” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall cackled enough for all of us” Liam said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said, giving Liam a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I’m fine” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno, we both can’t be having a crisis, out with it lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t even take care of a one year old, how am I going to take care of an infant?” Liam asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah Payno” Louis said, sitting against his headboard </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna feel seriously fucking lost, I told you that. It’s normal. Even mum was always nervous to bring a new baby home” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t even change a nappy” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea and you’ll learn. Bri didn’t either and she’s fine. You probably will get weed on along with all the other gross things babies do” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s happened to you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course it has, the little shit’s also pooed on me” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You, you’re the baby whisperer” Liam said, surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Liam, babies are sometimes unpredictable. It happens, you sort them out then you clean yourself up and go about your day” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess” Liam said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be a great dad, Payno. I know I’ve been joking with you the last few months but you will be.” Louis said seriously “And you can always call me, you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Tommo. Didn’t mean to panic on top of everything you have going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes me feel useful. But a word of advice. Don’t keep stressing Cheryl out. Not good for her or the little lad, or yourself. Just love him and take care of him and teach him. You’ll be fine. You’re gonna be a good dad, Liam. Just trust yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Liam said hugging Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you weren’t in a great place there for awhile but you got through it, you can do this too.” Louis said poking Liam’s siad </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis laid his head on Liam’s shoulder and pulled the blanket up on them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So did Cheryl really ship you to another country or was it a good way to check up on me?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both?” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unbelievable” Louis said, rolling his eyes. “I am a fully grown man” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One that usually forgets to care about himself” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I conceded that. But you could’ve stayed with Cheryl. She is about to push your offspring out of her body anyday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just snorted and gave Louis a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna have to be less squeamish lad, childbirth isn’t all cute babies and soft blankets.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, my sisters have been preparing me. But she knew how worried about you I was. Louis when I saw your text about the airport thing I didn’t know how to help you from over there. We know you have a rocky relationship with the paps at the best of times and we were all worried you were going off some cliff. Needed to make sure you still had a handle on yourself. We’re allowed to worry about you. I know you can find your own dark places and I was worried you were heading there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not, I promise. I never drank with Freddie here, or me sisters. Always made sure Oli was sober enough if I knew I was going to get pissed. Just some days are easier than others.” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want to make sure you’re okay. Make sure you eat enough too, I know you drop weight when you’re stressed and you’re looking really thin again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. Lottie so nicely pointed it out. Just haven’t had much of an appetite.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe now that you know we have your back, that you can come to us with anything, maybe you’ll start to let us in?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, I’ll stop ignoring all of your panicked texts” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All I ask” Liam said giving him a small smile</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you, Payno. Miss all of you. Feels like I’m in this myself a lot, you know what I mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been in each other’s back pockets for five years and then we’re not and then I’m a dad and me mum’s sick and you lot have your things to do and my family is in Donny and I’m here or I was home and Freddie was here. Oli pretty much wouldn’t let me travel back and forth alone and Danielle was there a little and she was great, I just couldn’t handle a relationship. Now El’s back as a friend but management want us to be together again and I fucking can’t handle it right now, but I just feel alone. I mean us four would get on each other’s nerves and push each other’s buttons but it was a different kind of close than I’ve had with anyone else, and I miss that, miss you lot. We’re family, despite everything. You were the little brothers I never had till Erine.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even Harry?” Liam asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that was different.” Louis said smiling</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never did well on your own. I know we all had our own stuff but you could have always called. I know Ni and I offered, once you told Haz about Jay, he was around more too. You just didn’t let us in up here” Liam said putting a hand on Louis’ head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno how” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s probably cliche, but have you tried writing? I don’t mean these songs would ever need to see the light of day if you don’t want to but you always were able to get everything out on paper. Maybe that’s what you need to do. Just let your mind go and get it all out.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t. Didn’t really want to write about all this. Pretty sure it would either be the angriest or soppiest shit ever out there. Also still don’t know about the solo shit. The Steve thing was just a cool one off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying book studio time tomorrow, I’m just saying when you had something weighing on you, and didn’t know how to talk about it you usually were able to get your feelings out on paper. If you don’t ever want to share it, fine. If you want someone to read it, you know I’ll always do it.” Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I just equated writing to the band and the fact it’s a break and the fact that I would’ve had to come off tour anyway last year to be with mum but I didn’t have you lot in the same way.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a lot of changes Tommo, you gotta allow yourself to process all of it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we all feel the same way about some kind of bond we have with each other. We’re the only ones that will ever know what that journey was like. We went from being rowdy teenagers to adults together, we were together nonstop, saw each other through everything back then, good and bad. Yea we needed a break but I don’t think there’s anything that could tear our friendship apart, even Harry is downstairs playing with Freddie. I know you feel like Zayn leaving was Zayn leaving you personally, and you have abandonment issues.” Liam said before Louis pinched him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch.” Liam said glaring at him. “But” Liam continued. “We’re not Zayn, we’re not gonna leave you, mate. It was shitty that he blew you off after you talked to him about your mum. I understand the anxiety and stuff but he should have at least had the balls to tell you his anxiety was too bad to go to the show. And I know you’re hurt about that and you have every right to be hurt about that. But we’re still here, so just maybe let us in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I liked it better when we didn’t like each other Payno” Louis said cuddling into Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s why you want cuddles from me now?” Liam asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Louis said closing his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam felt Louis start to relax against him and he gently ran his fingers up his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw Lou, you have so many people that love you, just gotta let us in” Liam said quietly “Just wish I knew how to take some of your pain away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam let Louis sleep for a little before Louis finally stirred again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked up at him and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fell asleep again, didn’t have the heart to wake you.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam noticed Louis looked uncomfortable and nudged him a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, stomachs acting up a little.” Louis said, rubbing his belly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hungry? You did throw up your lunch.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably. Haven’t eaten a lot lately.” Louis said, which only earned him a concerned look from Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, shit you said Freddie was up is he okay?” Louis said, throwing the covers back when he finally had fully woken up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s fine, Niall and Harry are playing with him. Well they both might be having more fun with his toys than he is” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck did I not check on him when I got up” Louis said scrubbing a hand over his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because your head is fucked up and you got a lot of shit in there and you subconsciously knew he was fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, right” Louis said, grabbing his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gonna get up, now?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I have to text Fizz. I need to be better for her, she’s not handling everything well. She also keeps it all in. Most worried about her out of all of them” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, you want me to wait for you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No go, I need a wee too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, one wee mess is enough” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go, I’ll be down soon” Louis said laughing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up his phone and thought over what he wanted to say to his sister. He was fine, well mostly fine with her taking it out on him. He knew why she was doing it. He just wanted to be able to help her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He weed and washed his face and saw that she was facetiming him as he made his way down stairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Fizz” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fiz, come on. We both know what we’ve been doing. I just want to make sure you’re alright, love.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy” Louis pleaded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want me to say? Nan told me I can’t be mad at you for being with Freddie and Lottie told me the same thing, and how she’s been so wonderful with the little kids and all this shit. And it’s all shit Louis, and you’re not fucking here.” She yelled at him through the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw the boys in the living room all give him a concerned look so he grabbed his cigarettes and went outside for some privacy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felicite, language” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s rich” She said, rolling her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well mum would be yelling at both of us for it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well she’s not here Louis, just like you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath before he talked again. “Fiz, I know you're mad I’m not there. But I couldn’t alright.” Louis said tightly. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of his little sister while she was still hurting so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t Briana have switched with you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you get some privacy, I wanna talk to you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it’s late here, I’ll go outside” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, fucking time zones” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Fizzy said. He could see the outside house light illuminated behind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know we’re both alike in how we deal with things. Keeping it all in, taking care of everyone else?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was starting to lose control of the keeping it all in part. And with the airport stuff I didn’t think I should leave until the charges were dropped, just thought it wouldn’t look very good. And I do honestly miss me little lad. I’ve been away from him a lot when mum got really bad. I just wanted a quiet day with him and Cliff but Niall showed up with Harry and Liam” Louis said before Fizzy cut him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he’s inside with the other two and Freddie. We talked some things over this morning. Gonna actually try to be friends. Wish I could actually admit to him that I really do need him right now, but I won’t bring him into my shitshow. But that’s not the point here. My point was that Niall has been up me arse for weeks because he knew I was slowly cracking and I was. It’s why I sent Oli back to England. I just wanted to be alone but we both know we don’t do well alone. So it’s all basically come out as anger towards Niall and also Harry and Liam for being here” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t get what this had to do with you not being here” Fizzy snapped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew I was cracking and I knew...” Louis paused to collect himself. “I knew if I came home to Donny I wouldn’t be able to hold it together.” Louis finally admitted. He started another cigarette and waited for Fizzy</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Fizzy said sadly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t because I don’t care or didn’t want to be there. I felt like I physically couldn’t. I um, had a panic attack earlier with the boys. It all started to come to the surface and I lost it. I know I’ve tried to play a lot of it off but I’m not over it Fiz, not even fucking close and talking about mum hurts too much and I knew I couldn’t do it today and I’m so sorry if I hurt you because of it.” Louis finally admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re an idiot.” Fizzy said, tearing up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’ve been told” Louis nodded, rubbing the back of his neck</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to fucking keep it all togehter. Lottie cries at night and climbs into bed with me when I’m home. I cry all fucking day, I snap at people at school and Daisy and Phoebe won’t leave each other’s sides. None of us are okay Louis, we don’t expect you to be either. We just want our big brother.” Fizzy said crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz, fuck. Fizzy I didn’t mean to upset you tonight” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know why you thought you had to be the one to keep it all together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m the oldest, it’s my job to take care of you lot. To take care of Nan and Grandad. And I knew I couldn’t this weekend” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just need you, that’s all. I need you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that now. I just I didn’t want to lose it on any of you because none of you deserve it and I thought if I could get me emotions under control before I came home we all would be better.” Louis said wiping his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to be strong for us Louis. We know how sad you are. Mum would never admit it but Lottie and I are convinced you were the favorite long before you ever got famous.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously I’m the favorite, I’m the oldest” Louis said giving her a small smile. “It was just the two of us for years, don’t exactly know what to do without her now. It’s why I’m struggling a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you thought an extra week would get you there?” Fizzy asked him sarcastically </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright, I bricked this I get it. But I don’t regret having Freddie for this whole week” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t. You two need each other too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz can you promise me that you’ll start talking to someone, anyone. Me? I just I know what it’s like to keep it all down deep and it hurts and it’s heavy and yea I would have loved not to have freaked out on the boys today but it felt good to get rid of some of that. I don’t want you to feel this way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Fizzy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go get some sleep alright? We’ll be okay. I’ll make sure you’re okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Fizzy said nodding and hanging up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wiped his eyes and collected himself before he went back inside to see how his friends were making out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, needed to work some shit out with Fizz” Louis said sitting on the floor between Niall and Harry. “Now other than Freddie taking down Liam, what did I miss?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie yelled and Louis picked him up for a quick cuddle and let him go back to his blocks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall wants to know where Josh got him the little drum set because whittle baby Niall wants one too” Harry said patting Niall on the head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just gave him a look and went back to playing with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He always was the baby of the band” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not even the fucking youngest” Niall said throwing his hands in the air “Payno is literally a month older and Haz is younger” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean aside from Louis you were the shortest” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Watch it.” Louis said throwing a look to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t love how short he was, he knew his fans loved it but dammit he was 5’9 and no one else could tell him otherwise. It’s what LAPD put on the report. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the tallest at one point” Louis pouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea and by the end of the x-factor tour you weren’t” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s not my fault Harry became a giant and Liam was a late bloomer” Louis said rolling his eyes and helping Freddie with his blocks </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure we all went through puberty like every few months” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Except Lou never grew” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His voice also changed the least” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am the oldest, turned nineteen before we even started touring so yea, wasn’t going to change a whole lot unlike you three with your squeaks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think he’d be over the height thing by now” Niall said laughing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not when people make fun of me for it and then I just seemed to get smaller once Liam lived in the gym, even Ni had some decent muscle wearing those tank tops, except for the chicken legs” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Blame the knees” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were babies when we started” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never letting him have that much pressure or stress so young.” Louis said pulling Freddie back to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope you’re gonna be my lovely little mischievous lad forever.” Louis said to Freddie</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” Freddie said pointing to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni-all” Nial said, sounding it out for Freddie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Give it up” Louis said laughing, knowing Niall had been working on this for weeks </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am” Freddie clapped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam, lad. Even though I personally like Uncle Payno in the arse” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Briana’s gonna kill you when she hears these words out of your mouth” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her younger brother says them too. I’ll be more careful when he can start repeating things better.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Theo got everyone else’s name before mine too” Niall pouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t mean they love you any less” Louis said patting his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” Freddie said again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You trying for Harry or Haz?” Harry asked laughing, placing him in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie flipped himself around and made himself comfy on Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Imagine his pull if you hadn’t cut your hair?” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that would have been rough.” Harry said running his hands through it. “Still not used to it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you're going to tell us all anymore about this big secret movie?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not allowed to say much, it’ll be out this summer” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want us to sign fucking NDA’s to talk to each other now?” Louis asked snappily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall gave Louis a look and Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a shit I know” Louis said which earned him another look from Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just weird, ya know? Like something on my own that I can’t talk about” Harry said shrugging. There was a time where they were the only ones they could talk to about things, and all of them were feeling the weight of that not being a thing anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it’ll be great Styles” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m excited” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it’ll be massive” Louis said, relaxing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all played quietly as Freddie toddeled between them all learning on them each so he didn’t fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we all maybe not ignore each other as much” Niall asked after a while </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what he means, you go through phases with friends the most out of all of us” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really, just depends” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it, we’re not all as close as we used to be. You got bigger than us” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam and Niall cringed knowing that had been a recurring issue for them even when they were dating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t get bigger, management and the media made me bigger. I was still me” Harry said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” Niall said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um why don’t we go play some footie?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You honestly believe that?” Louis challenged. He wasn’t exactly sure why his mood soured so quickly but not he was just prickly and apparently trying to pick a fight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to date Taylor, I knew it was only going to make it look like I didn’t care about the band. It wasn’t Harry Styles and One Direction, we were all One Direction. Yea maybe I had other friends but there wasn’t anything wrong with that” Harry said annoyed. This wasn’t the first time he and Louis had this fight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam and I have different tastes in music and different interests but it doesn't mean I love or care about him any less, we still hung out and did stuff. After we broke up I was probably closest with Niall but that’s also because we liked the same music and golfing. I was the one that felt slightly left out that last year because the media made it that way, management wanted it that way. Maybe I shouldn’t have went along with it until I put my foot down during promo in the fall but I was in it until the end Louis and you know that.” Harry said frustrated. He didn’t know why Louis was now trying to pick a fight with him, unless it was him trying to not seem so fragile as he would call it from earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just meant we’ll go weeks without talking to each other and I know I’m just as guilty. I’m not saying we get the band back together tomorrow. I’m not even saying we go out in public with each other. I just miss you lot.” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We all could try harder to keep in contact. I think we were so used to seeing each other every day that we didn’t know it would take a little effort to keep in contact. We all needed a breather from each other, I understand that but it doesn’t mean we have to ban all contact with each other.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you all too.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying every interaction we have has to be documented for the public, I’m just saying we resurrect the group email.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate what year are you living in? I’m pretty sure we could figure out a group text.” Liam said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright.” Niall said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s settled then, we don’t go months without talking to each other.” Harry said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We get to just be us now, lads. No one controlling how we interact with each other our relationship with each other gets to be on our terms and of course the media and fans are going to jump at every little thing but that’s on them, we just have to be us.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone’s gotten wise” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone spent a lot of time trying to keep all the shit together.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you don’t have to act like everything was all warm and fuzzy anymore right. Between those two and my drinking, you did keep it all together.” Liam said.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had to be the happy go lucky one, yea.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn’t have always felt like you needed to keep us all from imploding.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ever wonder how it got that point? Where we still wanted to do what we started out to do, but like not like we were doing it?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It got a little tiring, the demand of the schedule at times. It’s why I loved our shows, we got just got to be five and then four idiots up there doing what we loved.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t change the outcome of you lot or Freddie but I wish we had fought for ourselves better,  I’m not even talking about hiding Harry’s and my relationship. Just like being able to see our families and have time to properly write and record. What were we thinking with an album a year?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were scared it was all going to go away.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what they told us.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did fight for us, you fought them the most, usually ended up getting yourself into some shit too for it.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promised you all at the bungalow I’d take care of all of you, know I sorta failed on that.” Louis said looking down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all” Liam added </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t fail any of us.” Harry added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promised you all that I’d make sure you were all protected and taken care of and it ended up with Liam drinking too much and needing medication to stabilize his moods, Niall’s claustrophobia and general anxiety with the crowds was awful in the end, Zayn, I mean, probably failed him the most. And you, I hurt you the most.” Louis said, ending on Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You let me be me. You got them to let me wear what I wanted and grow my hair out and no it wasn’t perfect, but you stood up for me when I was scared and I’m sorry I took advantage of that for so long, sorry I didn’t know how much you were hurting in the process.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got them to let me sing more and play more guitar. Wasn’t very useful that first album, felt like I wasn’t needed but you always made sure I knew how wanted I was by you boys. You fought harder for me than you did yourself, Lou. You always took care of me with my knee or when the claustrophobia got too much. You never broke that promise.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You cut me off when needed, took care of me when I took it too far. You got me to have fun even if it was by you being a pain in the ass. You were always the one that took care of us when we were sick or hurt. No one just saw that side of you but us. If anything we failed you.” Liam said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t, I lost myself a little. Not sure what you could have done about that. You were all concerned when I was losing all the weight and smoking too much, God knows I cried enough to you and Ni when shit got too hard with Harry.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really am so sorry for taking advantage of you for always sticking up for us and defending us to management and always putting up with their shit. I just expected it, and when you started cracking from it all, I only made it worse.” Harry said, sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the oldest, s’my job” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I was too immature to understand the pressure you took on for us. I don’t know if I didn’t listen or you never tried to tell me. But Louis, I really am sorry. We wouldn’t have made it as long as we did if you hadn’t fought that hard for us. I just naively thought we’d always make it through. I didn’t factor in how it all affected you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, H.” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did some amazing things together, I just wish maybe we could have been a little more in the moment with it all.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When we do come back even if we’re performing in nursing homes, we do it our way and we do it free off all the shit.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like that idea” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” Louis added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll always be there for eachother. We’re the only ones that know what it was like. We just have to communicate a little better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we need like fucking group therapy or summat” Harry said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We probably could’ve used it at one point or another.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you boys” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bring it in” Harry said opening his arms wide. They all scooted around the pile of toys and had a big group hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you say, up for some footie?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all agreed and Louis put actual sneakers on Freddie. He could walk, he was just wobbly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to grab something to eat real quick.” Louis said going to the fridge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed some crackers and banana, knowing they’d be easy on his stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Harry asked, gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stomach’s just a bit shit since I woke up.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Panic attacks can do that, I should know” Harry said shaking his head and laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea but look how far you’ve come. Album should be out soon right?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, May” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And do we get to listen to it or are we just common folk now?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can play some of it for you guys” Harry said “Just felt weird being like lads listen to this.” Harry said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck off Haz, we’re all bloody proud of you.” Niall said slinging an arm around his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright to play now, Tommo?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’ll give it a go” Louis said feeling a little better after eating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright little man, let’s show your daddy who's better” Niall said, picking up Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty sure he has more skills than you Horan” Louis said, kicking the ball to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably has more coordination than Haz” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heyyy” Harry whined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean he’s not wrong.” Louis said grinning at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry picked the ball up and held it in the air with one hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, no need to be a dickhead.” Louis said jumping </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other three were laughing when Louis missed it and he crossed his arms and pouted before he jumped again, instead he smacked Harry’s arm and as Harry went to grab him for balance they both toppled to the ground. Freddie clapped and Niall and Liam were cackling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oomph” Louis said rolling off Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, that hurts more than it used to” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely have seen that happen before.” Niall said, smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Back alright?” Louis said sitting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie toddled over to Louis and Louis scooped him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you laughing at, the big clumsy giant over there?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not clumsy Freddie, your daddy is just short.” Harry said “I’m fine” He added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stood and held out a hand for Harry to get up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should let you stay there for calling me short. I’m not short, I’m a perfectly respectable height.” Louis stated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you are” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Fred, let’s show them you don’t need height to be good at footie.” Louis said placing a smaller ball in front of Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were all running around and Niall took the net and Louis lined Freddie up to kick into the goal Freddie scored on Niall, and Louis was positive Niall let him but he would never let Niall live it down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did it, lad!” Louis said scoping Freddie up for a cuddle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You beat Uncle Ni. Now he’s gonna cry more than when you miss nap time” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all tried to get high fives from Freddie who got bored after only one and wanted back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He looks like a baby giraffe trying to find his legs.” Harry said as Freddie wobbled over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So basically how you looked on stage” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know why everyone loved us falling over.” Harry said rolling his eyes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were a bunch of idiots literally just running around, how were we that big?” Niall asked laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it had to do with us being ourselves but we were honestly a mess on stage.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Paul called us unpredictable” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That man put up with way more shit than we ever gave him credit for.” Niall said laughing, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He knew we loved him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked a little more, sweaty and cheeks pink before they all started to get hungry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyone else getting hungry?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When aren’t you hungry?” Liam asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I am” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry, but probably should eat.” Louis said shrugging. He hadn’t been hungry much, rather eating when he knew it was a respectable meal time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can he have chicken and vegetables yet?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I just cut them up small, and he still likes one bottle before bed.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll start dinner.” Harry said as they all went inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby got muddy, I’m gonna go give him a bath.” Louis said “You lot staying over?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other three just looked at each other, Liam figured he’d just stay with Niall who was driving him to the airport the next morning so he had clothes with him but Harry and Niall didn’t have anything with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want us too? Hours ago you were kicking me out.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda liked having you here.” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can stay. Should go home and get some clothes though.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh please, like we haven’t all worn each other’s clothes. Pretty sure some of the stuff here is still one of yours from tour.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That worked better when we were all closer in size.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got used to wearing me own pants” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Before or after they get stolen?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Before.” Liam said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You definitely gave the fans what they wanted with that picture.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I should’ve pulled them up just a little more.” Liam said groaning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What an eyeful” Louis said dodging Liam’s attempted ball slap. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please let me know what you think in the comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Secrets start to be revealed.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had given Freddie a bath and put him in his crib for a little while he quickly took another shower. Liam and Niall both showered and Louis had dumped a handful of clean clothes onto the bed in one of the guest rooms, all varying sizes for the boys to choose from. Harry quickly got showered and went back to making dinner. Louis laid on his bed quietly for a few minutes while Freddie climbed and rolled all around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall came in dressed in some joggers and t-shirt provided by Louis and was towel drying his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Weird wearing each other’s boxers again.” Niall said sitting on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As if you haven’t done it already” Louis said rolling over to face him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took Freddie’s foot to the face and Freddie fell on him, giggling and smiling at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear I’m not ever going to be able to discipline this kid. He’s too cute.” Louis said tickling Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If he’s anything like you he’s gonna need it.” Niall said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was a perfect child, thank you very much.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Surprised you could say that with a straight face.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just stuck his tongue out at him and Niall laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re the oldest” He said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put his head on Niall’s shoulder and Niall wrapped his arm around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall acted like he hadn't heard it but the shoulder squeeze told Louis otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying it again you twat” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just glad you don’t hate me” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t ever hate the Irish one” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. I’d have to cry tears like the showers that are Irish.” Niall said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh God” Louis said laughing rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, you’re not alone Lou. I know you feel that way but you got us any time.” Niall said more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I just was scared to feel everything. Felt a lot today. Haven’t cried this much I think ever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got to let it out sometimes. You were always good at getting us to open up.” Niall said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Easier when it’s not yourself” Louis said as Freddie started to climb over Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay though. I know it may not seem it. Things don’t seem as terrifying as they have.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, I’m glad. You know you did give us a lot of reason to worry” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I know. Just never imagined how fast everything would change.” Louis said and before Niall could start singing Louis whacked him with a pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daddy’s being mean” Niall said holding onto Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just miss her Ni. Not sure how that will ever go away” Louis said sadly, putting his head back on Niall’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure it ever will.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably not. Just don’t know how to get to a point where I don’t cry me eyes out every time someone talks about her.” Louis said closing his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you just need to let it happen right now, you’re still grieving and shit. You don’t have to rush anything. Fuck everyone else, the people that care about you will always help you out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for being a pain in me arse” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Lou” Niall sad</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we go help with dinner?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought Harry banned you from the kitchen in 2012?” Niall asked, smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve gotten a little better” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took Freddie from Niall and plopped him in his highchair and put his bib on. He started waving his fork around and then proceeded to throw it on the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad you need that to eat” Louis said, picking it up and keeping a new one away from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Almost done” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Smells good, thanks Haz” Louis said casually. He stiffened when he realized he used Harry’s old nickname. He called him Haz and Harold less and less after they broke up, it felt too familiar and it crushed a part of him everytime he said it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam had set the table and Louis got them all some drinks. He knew Liam wasn’t drinking at the moment and he figured his liver could continue with a break and he offered a beer to Harry and Niall who both said they’d skip it since the other two were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Fred you’re eating with the big boys, let’s try to get it all in your mouth.” Louis said, pulling him closer to the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re calling yourself big?” Niall asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will feed your dinner to Cliff” Louis said, glaring at him. “Anyone else feel like his Irish charm shouldn’t let him get away with this shit anymore?” Louis said Harry and Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love me, Tommo” Niall said cheekily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where were you two? I mean I figured Tommo would try to get out of helping in the kitchen” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were having a lovely chat.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea until you pull the short comments.” Louis said, throwing a roll at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry dodged the roll and set the food on the table. Louis wasn’t entirely sure the last time he had a properly homemade meal. He, Oli and Eleanor would cook sometimes but none of them were the best at it. He thought he might tear up over homemade food and rolled his eyes at himself. He really was a mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a small piece of chicken and vegetables and cut them up small enough that Freddie could attempt to feed himself and placed a few on his plate at a time so it didn’t end up all over the place. He had already learned that the hardway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched as Freddie took a bite and then immediately went for another piece. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think the lad likes it” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, I was trying to impress him tonight” Harry said lightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, that” Niall said, mouth full. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neil, chew your food with your mouth closed and then talk. Jesus.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes dad” Niall said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God how did Sarah put up with us?” Liam asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Especially after you decided you needed to bake and made a proper mess of everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You all loved when I stress baked” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I did” Niall said, mouth now free of food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheers lads, I’m glad you ambushed me.” Louis said, putting up his water glass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He alternated between Feeding Freddie and himself and the next thing he knew they were all full. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was the best meal I’ve had in awhile.” Louis said “Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course. There’s enough left overs for a few days too” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, touched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Fred, let's get you cleaned up.” Louis said unbuckling him. “Swear he’s the messiest eater I’ve ever met” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You forget you lived with Niall?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“True” Louis said, shrugging and Niall rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad we did this” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his back to him since he was at the sink with Freddie but he could tell Harry meant it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall did the dishes since he hadn’t helped cook anything and Louis was grateful that he allowed them to take care of him. They played with Freddie until it was time for his bottle before bed. Louis flipped the kettle on and made the bottle and once their teas were ready they made their way to the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m knackered” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Niall one year olds are tiring” Louis said laughing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does this mean you’ll get to have him more now?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea how’s custody going?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Custody is shit, everyone thinks I would have more rights just because I have the money but I’d be a lot better off if I had a vagina instead of a penis. It’s typical to give the mum custody. I’m also not an American citizen so it all works negatively in my favor. They have a tendency to keep kids with their mum. And apparently her attorney said I had the means of taking him out of the country. I wouldn’t ever fucking kidnap my child.” Louis said, agitated</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how does it all work?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gave up trying to get custody when mum got really sick. I didn’t want to go to court and have to fight to get it sealed, I missed a meeting because Lottie called me in tears one night because she couldn’t handle everything and I went right back to London. Bri actually understood it but her counsel didn’t really care. Think they thought they could make a name for themselves or summat. I just want to be a part of his life, he’s my son too. So her and I with our lawyers decided it out of court. I pay and I get to see him whenever, but it has to be scheduled.” Louis said looking down at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you work it out then, fully?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorta, I still get the shit end of it. I still have to ask Bri and set it all up with her and sometimes she says no. Just leaving the courts out of it. We’ve been more civil since we decided on it. Probably shouldn’t have dated Dani while she was pregnant but I didn’t want to be alone.” Louis said trailing off</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sounds terrible I know, but some days I wish that she would have given up parental rights or whatever and I could’ve just had him with me. No sharing, no custody and I know it’s incredibly selfish but it’s just not how I ever thought my relationship with my first kid would go. Too close to Troy leaving mum and me. And some days when I just want to go out for the night and then sleep all day the next day I’m glad I don’t have to worry about childcare or anything. I know I’m a shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not, it’s a big change. I can’t imagine not getting to see him everyday or only for a few hours. Sure it might be a little selfish but it doesn’t make you a bad person.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought I would have been a little older, more settled. You know what I mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. Wasn’t expecting to be a dad this young either.” Liam said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good you two have worked it out better for yourselves. But it’s still shit that she has primary custody. But do you get him more now? Like can you take him to London or Donny?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so, told her she could come. I’d pay but she didn’t seem thrilled with it. But it’s not like she’s breastfeeding anymore so he can be away from her. I got that I didn’t exactly have the boobs to feed him but I still wanted that time when he was little too.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie still had about half his bottle to go but Louis knew sometimes it took him awhile if he was fighting sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys were looking at him funny. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just casually discussing breastfeeding, just weird, innit?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Payno, love. My dear dear Liam, you’re gonna be a dad soon, that shouldn’t bother you.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well duh, I know that” Liam said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, you’re gonna get weed on, you’re gonna get food or milk or spit up on you. They also don’t come out all fresh and clean.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They clean them though right?” Liam asked worriedly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Harry were laughing, because this was a concern far from their minds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, they do.” Louis said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like they aren’t gross with stuff for long right?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suggest you don’t call it gross in front of the women who just pushed a baby out of her fanny, lad. But they will let you see him and sometimes hold him and then they will clean him up and check him over. But if you’re going to be squeamish I suggest staying at Cheryl’s head and maybe facing the wall” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I know how babies come out Lou.” Liam deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t exactly know how not to make one” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re one to talk” Niall snorted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The condom broke, how many times have I said that” Louis said rolling his eyes. “At least I didn’t forget” he shot to Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Things happen.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you two need a lesson on how not to get some friends for Freddie?” Louis asked Niall and Harry who were both laughing at something Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re good” Harry said, still laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam you will be fine. Just be supportive to Cheryl and don’t name you kid anything weird. Kid’s already got you as a dad, that’s embarrassing enough.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just made a face at him and Louis laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Li, you’re gonna do great.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already told him that but he keeps getting cold feet.” Louis said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little late for that now, mate” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. Just mad innit? Like I made a baby, it’s a whole person.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Liam, I thought we covered this, do you really need the baby making talk at your age?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I got it covered” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I keep getting asked on twitter when I’m having a baby” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you still are a baby” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know how I get put as the innocent one” Niall said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it’s cause you were the cute one” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He still wrote Temporary Fix” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who knew he had it in him” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t forget it’s cute with his little pencil and little notepad.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck was I the most well behaved in that interview?” Louis asked laughing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were some moments they just couldn’t forget even if they wanted to, and interview was one of them. Louis knew going into it he had to keep his mouth shut but they all quickly lost the plot and it just went from there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even Harry was making fun of her” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We tried” Liam attempted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I tried, you lot all had it out for the poor bird before we even started.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t there the first time!” Niall said, tears coming out of his eyes he was laughing so hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was one of the good ones.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She hated me” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you talked too fast.” Harry reminded him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh right, I was hard to understand.” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were a mess.” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you gonna tell Fred if he ever decides to Google what hid dad’s good old days were like?” Niall asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m planning on the internet being dead by then” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think it’s going anywhere,” Niall said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully I’ll have the balls by then to tell him the truth.” Louis said, which earned him a laugh from Niall and Liam as Niall said “no pun intended”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously, how old are you two?” Louis asked rolling his eyes and he gave Freddie more of the bottle  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you ever tell him about you and Harry?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis dared a look at Harry whose expression was unreadable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When he’s old enough to understand it, I guess. It’s not like it’s a simple thing to explain. Not entirely sure how to explain your sexuality to your kid, but who knows what’ll happened between now and then” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Been with anyone else since Danielle?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Figured it wasn’t fair to them. I wasn’t entirely fair to her. She was proper lovely and we had fun but it wasn’t exactly what she signed up for, even if she knew about Bri and the baby beforehand. I liked her, it was just bad timing and everything was too complicated. She also didn’t love the rumors of being a beard, I can see why. People were mean to her. But no, I need to get me head on properly” Louis said “There was one drunken night in a club, snogged another bloke. Didn’t really do anything for me but we ended up in the bathroom, I was beyond pissed and Steve came in and found me. And the next morning I was very grateful for that. Only bloke I’ve snogged in years. Never really felt anything for them after Harry and I broke up. Still haven’t exactly figured that part out yet.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t dare look at Harry, he just started at Freddie and his bottle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you two, anyone new in your life. Ni, you take Harry’s suggestion and try out a man yet?” Louis asked, needing to get the conversation away from himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, no men for me. I’ll leave that for you two.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dammit, thought I had a chance with the cute Irish one.” Harry said smirking, knowing Louis probably couldn’t handle another emotional chat. Niall just made a kissy face at Harry before Louis threw a pillow at both of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one right now for me. I haven’t checked twitter yet to see who I’m rumored to be hooking up with this week. Like the worst was when Gemma first dyed her hair, everyone thought I had a new girlfriend. Or Jeff’s wife. Like someone with a penis and someone with a vagina are allowed to just be friends.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always the single pringles” Louis said knowing Niall used to say it in interviews. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn Haz, siblings and friend’s wives. Gross.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or when you walked into Theo’s christening with your cousin and everyone thought you had a new girlfriend.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was not funny.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda was” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Think any of us will ever have a normal relationship?” Harry asked  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um hello” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s far older than you and was almost the reason I wasn’t in the band, I don’t call it normal.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think Harry meant traditional like marriage and then a house and then a kid” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s up to you two now.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would like it one day you know, marriage, kids, white picket fence.” Harry said quietly, he dared a look at Louis who just gave him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we play some Fifa once you put him down?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all agreed and Freddie soon finished his bottle. Louis rubbed his back for a little until he was milk drunk and ready for bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love this bit, when he’s half asleep and cuddly. Could look at him all day like this. Like I know he’s safe here and he seems to think he’s safe and he just cuddles in. It’s pretty ace. Like I’m doing something right.” Louis said, kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all agreed but no one knew what to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let me put him to bed. I’ll be back. Who wants a goodnight kiss?” Louis asked standing up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all said yes and each gently kissed Freddie’s head. Louis took him up and changed him, and put him in his crib. He was basically asleep before Louis laid him down. He knew the monitor was down stairs so he pulled the door to, and went back to the boys. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was fast” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he was out before we even made it up there. He was quite busy today” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect Lou.” Harry said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said nodding, feeling a wave of emotion wash over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They played some Fifa and had some ice cream. Harry thought about cake but decided it would've been too much. He gently asked if Louis wanted to sing Happy Birthday to Jay but Louis said no, didn’t think he could handle it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few rounds of Fifa they put on a movie. Louis had to let Cliff out again and needed a smoke. Niall and Liam were asleep on the couch and he was pretty sure Harry was asleep too. He was letting Cliff run around and just enjoying the slightly chilly air outside. He quietly wished his mum a happy birthday and some tears came out. He felt a blanket on his shoulders and he turned to see a slightly sleepy Harry standing behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Louis said, wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Harry asked sitting next to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” Louis said “Needed to get some air while he ran around, still full from dinner. Most food I’ve eaten lately” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could tell Louis was a little uncomfortable and so he moved his hand to Louis’s stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t H, feel all bloated.” Louis said shrugging away from his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just gonna try to make your belly feel better.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, and Harry put his hand back up and massaged his stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis relaxed into Harry’s touch and laid his head on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Helping?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, feels nice” Louis said, closing his eyes. “But you shouldn’t. We can’t do this again. I can’t do this again.” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just friends Lou. I’m not expecting anything, just trying to help out a mate.” Harry said, sincerely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mates” Louis mumbled</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You always used to do it for me after I would panic about our performances in the early days. It always made me feel better.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only ever wanted to be good for you.” Louis said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry kept gently rubbing Louis’ stomach and Louis had started to feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were about to talk at the same time when Louis told Harry to go but Harry said for Louis to go. Harry knew there was something he needed to talk to Louis about but he didn’t know how. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Back in there, when Li asked if I would tell Freddie about us. Would you have a problem with that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No don’t think so” Harry said shrugging</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I uh, didn’t mean to talk about the club incident in front of you, I’m sorry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you don’t have to apologize.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you do it?” Louis asked, taking a long drag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do what?” Harry asked plucking it from his fingers and taking a drag, knowing this would be a hard conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be so you, so open. Not care what people think?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t always, you know that” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But now, I mean you don’t label anything and just let people think whatever they want. I mean I’ve had actual fourteen year olds ask me if I top or bottom. Like who the fuck asks someone that regardless of how old they are, other people think I’m so gay I couldn’t possibly have gotten it up to get a girl pregnant, or that I cheated on you, or that Freddie isn’t my son. I mean yea El was technically a beard after I broke up with her but I did actually date her before. I had a fling with Bri, and I actually dated Dani, but I feel like no matter what no one will ever believe me, and maybe it’s because I don’t believe myself. And I don’t know why it bothers me so fucking much that people think I’m gay or bi or whatever, there’s nothing wrong with it and it makes me feel like a prick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had to hide part of who you were, it’ll affect anyone. I already knew that the person’s gender didn’t matter. Kinda knew I liked you instantly. I already knew that about myself. You had to figure it out while people told you no.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just it still confuses the fuck out of me and makes me head spin. Like I’m always trying to convince people to believe me.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you need yourself to believe?” Harry asked after a minute </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I never regretted us, I know I probably made it seem that way at times.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it was something you always struggled with. I mean how to label yourself.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I know I’m not gay, like girls quite a bit. But other than you, kissing another bloke never felt right. Never wanted to actually. Like I’ll see a girl and think she’s fit or whatever but there hasn’t been another bloke where I’m like he’s fit, I want to snog him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s more the person than boobs or a penis.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I’m not gay, obviosuly not toally straight, don’t even know if I’m bi though because it was only ever you.” Louis said, feeling his voice betray him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know Lou. Sometimes it seemed like you wanted them to hide us so you didn’t have to deal with any of it. I never had a big realization that I liked girls or boys. You did, which is totally fine. I just felt like sometimes, despite how hard you fought for us, I would bring up eventually going public and you would shut it down. Sometimes I felt like you were embarrassed by it, by me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hung his head down and figured he’d opened up enough today that he might as well keep going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Part of me will always love you. Part of me will probably always be in love with you. We were a lot of firsts for each other. And I don’t know how it ever got to a point where I couldn’t even admit that I liked a boy, liked you. I never wanted you to feel that way. I guess, they just wore me down that I questioned myself and us.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Management and the label wore you down Louis. I had no idea that they had put all of that into your head. Thought it was just me you either got tired of or didn’t like.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I would have a separate meeting, I think his name was Jack or something, he always asked me how I wasn’t disgusted by it, how could I have sex with another man or touch another penis and it was everytime and the actual part of us having sex was amazing, but after I would hear that in my head and it wouldn’t fucking leave.” Louis said tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could have worked on it together.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want you to know. Fucking hell Harry how do you tell you’re boyfriend that you love sex with him but then hear managment in your head telling you you’re fucking up the star of their band?” Louis cried </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I...Louis that’s so fucking messed up” Harry said still shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I’m sorry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO” Harry yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis startled and looked at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What he said was messed up, we were both two consenting adults and I was never disgusted by what we did. You never made me feel gross or taken advantage of and I really hope the same goes for you. It was only ever love, even when we were attempting to fuck our feelings about whatever away. The one match you were convinced the Rovers were gonna win in overtime and lost was one of the best nights.” Harry said cheekily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes. “You always made me feel loved, didn’t matter who topped or bottomed. I even just loved cuddling next to you. As soppy as it sounds. I just...wanted you. Made me feel good and safe.” Louis said, embarrassed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s good, since I felt the same way.” Harry said nudging him with his elbow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess if you hear something so negative enough times you start to believe it. It should’ve been you I listened to when you told me you loved me or whatever not fuckign management but I just...I couldn’t handle it anymore.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Louis” Harry said hugging him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It got to be too much, I couldn’t handle it between the stunts and the separating us and not even being able to look like we were aware of the other’s existence. And then him telling me all that, I couldn’t do it Haz, I couldn’t.” Louis cried into Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just hugged him and tried to calm him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Broke my promise to you, hurt you and us in the end. They won Haz. That’s why I broke up with you, I didn’t want them to tell you to change how you dress or tell you who you could or couldn’t date. I didn’t want you to feel as lost and worthless as I did. I just needed it all to stop.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey look at me, please.” Harry said gently, eyes watery. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked up and saw Harry’s wet cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have known how they were treating you, I’m sorry I broke my promise to you, I let you down. We were in it together and I let you handle it all yourself and yea you didn’t tell me all that was going on, but I should have known or tried harder to get you to open up. It shouldn’t have all been on you, that’s not a healthy relationship. At the beginning we promised to always be friends and it was too painful. But don’t ever feel bad about breaking up with me to save yourself Louis, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I should’ve done more and not put it all on you. I know we fought about coming out and you were so against it and it’s because they convinced you it was wrong and I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t admit it. I’m so sorry.” Harry said, crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d we let them make us hate each other? You are still are one of the kindest and most loving people I know, how had I let it get to a point where I lost that, lost you..” Louis asked, rubbing his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t lose me. I’m right here.” Harry said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not who we used to be, Haz.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that, but it doesn't mean we can’t start fresh.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure you’ll ever forgive me.” Louis said looking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already did.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?” Louis asked, surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I think as I was writing my album I started looking back at everything that went on and I realized that I could have done more, I put too much on you and I was too stubborn to admit it and you were too stubborn to admit that you needed help, that us being together was hurting you. I’ve just been trying to figure out how to tell you.” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Louis stood on his deck hugging as tight as they could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” Harry whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis lifted his head off Harry’s chest and nodded. He stood on his toes a little and met Harry’s mouth with his. It was soft and sweet and Louis pulled back and was crying more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t, not right now. I’m sorry. I just…” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, it’s okay. Maybe we shouldn’t have done that but I missed it, missed you.” Harry said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis whispered against Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry fixed the blanket around Louis and just hugged him while Cliff tired himself out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t regret it, don’t regret you.” Louis said hugging Harry just as tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll always be special Lou, you were my first time with a boy, my first love. I was naive enough to think that we’d make it, that we’d get that house and picket fence and a bunch of kids running around. You on top of me, it never felt wrong, all I ever felt was love.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just hugged him tighter, didn’t think he could add anything that Harry hadn’t already said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay now, yea?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so. Probably more we need to talk about. But I agree you need to sort yourself out, and I’m here for you Lou, in whatever way you need but I do agree we should just be friends for now. You’re vulnerable and I don’t want to take advantage of that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I also...um…I still wouldn’t publicly be able to be with you.” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re scared, we can work through it.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shook his head and Harry felt his heart plummet to his stomach when he saw the guilty look on Louis’ face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What aren’t you telling me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Syco still controls my public image. And my new contract and the contract for the other projects it’s all tied into my original contract. Your’s all voided when you turned eighteen, but mine. I was older. It was different.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Louis, thats some Stockholm shit, why did you go back to them?” Harry asked shocked and angry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knew no one else would want me.” Louis said looking away from Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn't you tell me, I could’ve gotten Jeff to help you or something. Why would you do that?” Harry spat out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It got all of you out.” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, please it’s fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not fine.” Harry yelled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry.” Louis pleaded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you even said how much they hurt you and then you fucking sign with them again?” Harry asked, running his hands through his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got you three out, it’s done with now.” Louis said getting annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not following.” Harry said still mad </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would it have looked if we all had left Syco and Sony? Yea you stayed with Sony but if we all left Syco, it would have looked bad. They explained my contract, I had other lawyers look it over and I was stuck from when I signed the extension to my original contract. It was part of the deal for them to let me write more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean you knew all this before the third album?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I didn’t fully understand it and I was a hot headed shit that was growing more angry with them and I got them to give me the ability to write and have input and I didnt think how it would affect me later on. I thought we’d always be fine, that the band would always be together. I knew about the public image, them having more control of me when we were in the band but I didn’t know it would continue.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?!” Harry yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I wasn’t sure what my role in the band was. I wasn’t singing a whole lot. I had written some stuff and talked to Julian and John and they both agreed I had good writing potential so when we had to renegotiate that was part of it. I don’t regret that part of it. I hate that it’s all based off my original ten year contract. But yours were all different from the start.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you didn’t think to fucking tell me back then?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything I’ve said today and you’re gonna get mad at me about a contract negotiation?” Louis asked, annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not mad.” Harry said, deflating the anger out of him. “But what, that keeps you under them till when?” Harry asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“End of 2021, maybe 2020” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck?” Harry yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Devil you know right?” Louis tried to joke </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not okay. Why, did you just sign any fucking piece of paper that came your way?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I had it shortened and I also got all of you out of their PR control when we went on a break. Otherwise they would still have final say over what you do publicly. So maybe I’m not the bad guy here.” Louis said defensively. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You lost me again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I stayed with them, one because I had no choice, two because Simon probably would have had be blackballed from the industry and honestly at that point I was gonna say fuck it all, put all my assets in mum’s name and come clean about everything but then they promised me that I would have more creative control of my album if I put out a solo one,  and they also promised they would end the PR extensions to all of your contracts. We all needed out and I got you all out but me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked at him stunned, “Do they know?” Harry asked, still shocked, pointing to inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. And they aren’t to know. Niall’s still with Modest and it seems like they are treating him fine, they bribed him with golf. None of you were supposed to know. And the guilt would kill Liam if I told him now. Maybe in another lifetime I’ll tell him but not now. He has enough going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you did that.” Harry said, shocked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They still had all of our contracts in place except the tour contact we didn’t renew. In order to make a clean break, you all needed out of the PR contracts. I figured I’d be writing for a little while Freddie was young and that the PR stuff for me wouldn't have mattered. You and Niall both wanted to keep making music, that boy needs his guitar like I need tea. And Liam also needed a clean break. Steve did try to get me out but I wasn’t going to let him hurt his own career for me. I have it handled and there’s provisions and shit that I can possibly get out earlier with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you stayed.” Harry said sitting down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have full control over any record and music videos I put out, as long as they can control my image so I just write neutrally the way I have been. The only upside is that I have final say on the tracks and everything and trust me, I fought hard for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just can’t believe you did that for us.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It needed to be done. Promised I’d always protect all of you.” Louis shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem calm about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I mean I’ve known about it for a year now. Not exactly new to me. I laid it all out for mum and she obviously wasn’t pleased but she supported it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Harry said, voice thick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed Louis into a bear hug.  Louis nodded and squeezed Harry. He let Harry hug him for a moment before he felt like Harry might actually be trying to strangle him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s getting cold out here.” Louis said motionting to the door and calling for Cliff.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re incredible, Louis. I hope you know that.” Harry said sincerely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Working on it, love.” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just some cute breakfast fluff.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Niall and and Liam stirred awake when Louis and Harry went back in. Louis put out some more water for Cliff and made sure everything was locked and went to check on Freddie. He got back to the living room and looked at his three bandmates all sprawled out on the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lads, I have guest rooms you know.” Louis said laughing at them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Comfy.” Niall said cuddling into the throw pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still jet lagged.” Liam mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s still more comfortable than the first tour bus we ever had.” Harry laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m getting old, can’t sleep on me sofa all the time.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come cuddle” Niall said holding his arm out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go sleep in my perfectly comfy bed. You lot can sleep wherever if you don’t want the guest beds.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you wanna cuddle Tommo.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re all gonna end up sharing one bed, aren’t we?” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love us.” Niall said grinning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They made their way up to Louis’ bed and he was thankful he got the biggest one he could find and they climbed in around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made sure the baby monitor was on the nightstand and Liam laid on one side of him and Niall on the other with Harry on his other side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Long time since we did this.” Harry said, Koalaing Niall  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda miss it.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think the last night of Sheffield was the last time we did it, had been a while before that too. Think it was when Zayn left.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember when all five of us piled into one bed?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How could I forget you lot always made me sleep in boxers.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one wanted to get poked in their sleep Haz.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lot less chest hair then too.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If Ni adds a gold chain, he’d look like a bad 70’s porn star with all the chest hair he’s got now.” Louis said laughing, which only earned him a pinch on his side from Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were so young, thought the hardest thing back then was just sleeping in different beds all the time and what clothes we would wear.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like forever ago.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were just kids.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grew up a lot in that time.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never dreamed we would have done what we did. We packed a lot into five years, all just teenagers when we started. You lot all looked like babies.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You couldn’t grow a beard either yet when we met you.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None of you could, I could. It just took a while and then they made me shave in the beginning to go with the look.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’d hate it now” Liam said laughing since all of them but Harry were sporting various stages of scruff.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think I can even sing some of the songs from that first album anymore.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta Be You, did get a bit difficult for you.” Louis said laughing at how awkward Harry had felt when they had to talk about taking it out of the set list. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I had to start changing the words, had to get the octave lower. There's a difference between being able to sing higher notes and signing high all the time while waiting on your voice in puberty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sounded just fine.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aside from WMYB most the other songs are higher, when we come back we’ll have to see if we can even still sing them.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think us three had the hardest time at first. Helene was quite patient with us.” Liam said, laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea for your faces you and Niall shouldn’t have sounded that deep. Haz was still pretty high even for his audition.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who let me wear a fucking tablecoth to audition. I still ask my mam what she was thinking. She claims I wouldn’t let her pick me clothes out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should have let her.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because thin scarfs are so fashionable.” Niall said poking Louis</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I take credit for that one. I asked Stan and Lottie how I looked. That was my first mistake.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess it was a good thing it wasn’t a fashion competition.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea look who has Gucci falling all over themselves now.” Liam said proudly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a big deal, H.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should be proud.” Louis added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we all agreed that when we got back together we’d do it our way, the way we want. I don’t think I could go back to doing everything with it so micromanaged. Don’t think I could watch it hurt all of us again.” Harry said tentatively </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think we could do that at the same pace either.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Five albums and four tours in five years, it was mad.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just crazy how we thrived on all that in the beginning and by the end we all were drained. Like something we all wanted so much we got and then it was all too much. I loved being on stage but everything else was so repetitive.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel like we should have done more shows in each place and broken up the legs better, tour the same album longer and then more time to write and stuff. Feel like maybe we wouldn’t have needed such a break.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it’ll be as big when we do ever come back?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so. Hope people will still love our music, and still relate to it.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not getting back together till at least 2021 are we?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think so Lou.” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we need our contracts to end, then we get first rights to buy everything and then we can do it our way. The way we want. Say we get our own independent label, hire our own people. Bring back Jon, Dan, Sandy and Josh if they still want it and we do it all our own way. I think it’s the only way we’d make it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a bad idea, Tommo.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve thought it through.” Harry said knowing what he had told him earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had to, I know we promised two years or somehow it got promised but I don’t think any of us are ready. I’ve seen stuff online where people saying we knew that it would be longer or not ever or shit like that. But we couldn’t say we wanted to wait for our contracts to end.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No we couldn’t. And I think some people knew that. I think it was all just shit timing with Zayn leaving. But it was something that was discussed before he left and I think we did need a break. We were all moody with each other more than usual and some of our team switched, think we just needed a breather.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it would have been different if we had taken the break at the end of 2014 like Harry had wanted to?” Louis asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure. 2015 was a weird year, but we got to make an album we wanted and had more control over.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that we wouldn’t have been as close. We were all just annoying each other too much and Zayn kept missing things and we had to cover and we all were just exhausted. I think that last album let us get a proper goodbye, not just walking away from a shitshow. Beaucase we did pretty fucking well as just the four of us. And I think we got closer without all the other shit as well. Felt like us in the end, like how it was in the beginning. And I don’t regret that.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni’s right. Louis and I were at each other’s throats most of the time at the end of 2014. Liam was constantly being a dick because he was hiding the fact he needed medication and even Ni and I were annoying each other because I think all of our nerves were fried. I think a break could have been good then, I think that it would have dissolved into us not getting back together and making that last album. I think us working through things helped and as shitty as it is, Zayn leaving did bring us closer.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just crazy those wide-eyed kids would never have thought they’d fight a day in their life besides Payno and Tommo.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We lived basically like we were siblings, you argue with your siblings, it’s normal but at the end of the day. You’re always there for each other. I would know.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Siblings.” Niall said smirking at Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you grow up, please.” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad we didn’t leave each other on bad terms. And it doesn't matter if social media thinks we haven’t spoken in a year. It only matters that we don’t drift from each other.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree. Because if we are seen out together it’s like where are the others, or they are getting back together. And I think we all needed away from that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definielty.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m telling ya lads, dying the hair worked.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you gonna do when people get used to brown haired you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I didn't think that far ahead Lewis.” Niall said realizing he was right </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least he doesn’t have to cover the tats. His accent is pretty distinctive but a hat doesn’t do shit for us if we have short sleeves on.” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought you lot knew they were permanent.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They don’t come off in a bubble bath?” Harry asked in fake horror </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still have your stick and poke kit? Think we should give him his screw now.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds vaguely dirty with all of us in a bed.” Harry said laughing with Niall and Liam joining in. It took Louis a second before he groaned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t be the one that actually has grown up right? Dirty jokes used to be me thing.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just an old man now.” Niall said patting his head and Louis smacked his hand away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda excited to see what we all learn and stuff for when we come back together.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too. And I think us doing it our way will be good.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bring back who we liked, get new people if needed and go from there. You know, do it better, get more charities involved in the different cities or countries, make it so more people can come and not just people who could afford Modest’s pricing. I mean I don’t mean to sound like a dick but I don’t think we’d have trouble selling out stadiums again.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No lad, don’t think we would.” Niall said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we revisit this idea in what, 2020? And go from there.” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s a good plan. Let’s us all kinda work out our solo albums but we know we have each other.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if 2020 doens’t work, we at least talk about when. Even if we’re opening at nursing homes for kids choirs in sixty years.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It got them all a good laugh and then they all started to fall asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks lads, I didn’t realize I needed this. Needed you boys. Bed time though, Fred likes an early morning. Night lads.” Louis said yawning poking Liam to turn off the lamp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all mumbled their goodnights and fell asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis woke up a little later with Liam on his chest, he hadn’t been sleeping very well and would keep waking up in the night with his mind racing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Li?” Louis whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just mumbled incoherently and tucked further into Louis. He rolled his eyes and whispered to him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Li, you awake.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I am, stop moving.” Liam grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need a wee” Louis said trying to get off the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just made more unpleasant noises but did let Louis up. Louis went to the bathroom and saw Freddie still sound asleep and went back and tucked himself between Niall and Liam.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Liam whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just have a hard time sleeping lately.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleep in if you want, yea. We can get Freddie in the morning. Just try to relax, Lou. You got all of us here now.” Liam said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Payno.” Louis whispered as Liam wrapped an arm around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get some sleep, Lou. You need it.” Liam said carding his fingers through Louis’ hair. Normally Louis would tell him to fuck off, but tonight it lulled him back to sleep. Liam used to do that when things with him and Harry were bad and Louis couldn’t get his mind to stop running. He’d never admit to Liam how much it helped but he knew that Liam knew how much he appreciated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis fell back to sleep and the next thing he knew was that the sun was streaming in, Liam was still passed out at his side and Niall and Harry were on the floor playing with Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Lou” Niall said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning” He mumbled. It was later than he had expected according to his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fred okay?” Louis asked, reaching for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Niall sat back on the bed and Louis happily took Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I heard the monitor and Harry was basically on top of me so I had to wake him to get off. Now me backs paying for it. This giant thinks he’s small enough to koala me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know all about that.” Louis said laughing and hugging Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like to cuddle. So what.” Harry said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely feeling it too. Not as easy for four grown men to sleep in one bed.” Louis said cracking his back. “Getting old.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, only you.” Niall said, tickling Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We changed his nappy and just put him back in his pajamas. He was wide awake.” Freddie said, making faces at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheers lads, you could've woken me.” Louis said, holding onto Freddie’s hands as he stood up on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We handled it.” Niall said high fiving Harry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What time do you have to take Payno?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think around lunch.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They played with Freddie and then he started to crawl around and Louis didn’t exactly stop him when he started to climb on Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just mumbled something and Freddie was patting his face, dummy half hanging out of his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui lad, don’t hurt him.” Louis said taking his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead he helped Freddie stand on Liam and they wore matching smirks when Liam finally cracked an eye open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Somehow I think you put him up to this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just letting the little lad exercise his legs.” Louis said easily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On my face?” Liam asked rolling over to face them all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like to let him make decisions for himself.” Louis said, smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re daddy’s mean.” Liam said tickling Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie squealed in delight and they all happily let him wander the bed until he started to cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta feed him. Takes after his Uncle Niall and throws a full on strop when he’s hungry.” Louis said, throwing a hoodie on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on lad.” Louis said, picking up Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t throw a strop.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You used to.” Harry pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Niall asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When little Nialler didn’t have enough food or sleep he was quite arsey.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh whatever.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s cereal and milk. I think I have eggs. Not sure what else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Brought some pancake mix with us yesterday.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I won’t say no to that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need a chef, you don’t need friends.” Harry said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t disagree.” Louis said laughing as they all made their way into the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Fred, calm down.” Louis said putting him in the highchair. Somewhere between Louis’ room and kitchen Freddie decided to throw a fit. Louis looked at him and thought something was off. Towards the end of him exploring the bed he started to get a bit fussy and it didn’t seem like that was changing anytime soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What lad?” Louis asked walking back over to him. “You’re new friends are all still here.” Louis said, trying to calm him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis tried to calm him down and it seemed to be working but then as Louis walked away Freddie started to cry again. Louis picked him up again and Freddie cuddled into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong Freddie?” Louis asked, looking him over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Niall had started to make breakfast and Liam was making sure he had everything for the airport.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was still crying and Louis grabbed a clean dummy and stuck it in his mouth. Freddie promptly threw it onto the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie breakfast is coming. We don’t throw our dummies on the floor.” Louis said, trying to calm him down. He grabbed a banana and cut it up for him. He held Freddie as he fed him a few bites. But Freddie still wasn’t having it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong love?” Louis asked, getting concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, what’s going on?” Niall asked, realizing Freddie was still freaking out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put his hand on his forehead and this kissed it and felt that he was warm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling poorly, love?” Louis asked to walk to the cabinet to get a thermometer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he’s got a bit of a temperature. Feels a little warm.” Louis said, a little worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam walked in and saw Louis worrying about Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, what’s wrong?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he’s poorly.” Louis said as the timer beeped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww lad, you are poorly again. You have a temperature.” Louis said, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I think I’m gonna have to take him to the doctor today. I think it’s more than just him cutting new teeth.” Louis said. “Did he feel warm to either of you when he woke up?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Harry just looked at each other and shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No idea, sorry Tommo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t seem poorly. He seemed pretty happy.” Harry said, walking over and putting the pancakes on the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what’s up Freddie?” Harry asked in a goofy voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie just glared at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve all seen that look before.” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” Louis said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Give him to Uncle Niall” Niall said, holding his hands out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis handed him over and Niall started doing different impersonations and Freddie started to scream again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, Lou, Help” Niall said starting to panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did Uncle Niall do to you?” Louis asked, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized he had been pulling on his ear and turned Freddie’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui lad, I think you have an ear infection.” Louis said rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie whimpered against him and Louis’ heart broke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor lad.” Niall said, rubbing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he’ll eat?” Harry asked, handing Louis the plate with a pancake cut up all small. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope he will. He’s gotta be hungry too.” Louis said sitting at the table </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat down and Harry cut a plate for Louis so he could feed Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, H.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall brought the tea over and Liam was trying to make funny faces to cheer Freddie up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Ni” Louis said, taking a sip, knowing it would be a long day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kept trying to feed Freddie but he kept pushing his hands away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, Harry makes yummy pancakes. You need to eat some, lad.” Louis begged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie whined and Louis tried to bounce him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling I know you're poorly but you need to eat.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta text Bri to call me when she can. I’ll have to let her know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you eat and text her, let me try.” Harry said, taking Freddie from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure, he’s not the happiest today.” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Fred” Harry said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s try some pancakes, yea?” Harry said sweetly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started to feed him small bites and was making all kinds of faces and noises at him to distract him to eat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis texted Briana to call him when she could and watched and Harry finally calmed Freddie down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like his dad.” Niall said quietly, noticing the same thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just laughed and Harry and Louis just looked at each other. Harry was always the one to calm Louis down whether he was homesick, nervous, excited or agitated and it seemed like Harry could do the same for Freddie/ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a few more bites.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was sitting on his lap and he put his head onto Harry’s chest and Freddie took the small bites from Harry. Louis felt a pull in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a while but he didn’t exactly have time to dwell on it. There was something about his ex-boyfriend holding his son and being so kind and gentle to him that made Louis either want to run out of the room or cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis’ phone rang and he walked into the living room and answered Briana’s call. He told her what was going on with Freddie and how he wanted to take him to the doctor’s. She thought they should wait but Louis told her he was going to take him to the Doctor’s anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can handle it Bri, I don’t need to call your mum. It’s not the first time I’ve taken care of a sick kid.” Louis said, getting frustrated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure, you could take him back to my mom.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got him, he’s been poorly before. I think it’s just a temperature and an ear infection. He’ll be fine.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright. Just let me know what happens.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will. Have fun.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis called the doctor’s and scheduled an appointment for him and went back to finish his breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything alright?” Niall asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, she wanted me to take him back to her mum but I can handle him. Took care of you a lot when you were poorly.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor buddy.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, hate when they’re poorly.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He looks so sad.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor lad, cheeks all flushed and everything. Can’t believe I didn’t realize it when he first woke up. He seemed fine.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was starting to fall asleep and Louis took him back from Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got him to eat almost half.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Haz, glad he at least ate something.” Louis said as Freddie cuddled into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be extra clingy today, aren’t you, love?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor thing” Niall said, starting to clear the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought we were gonna have time to hear both of yours and Harry’s stuff.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You heard most of it already Tommo, at least what I have finished.” Niall said  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here for another few weeks.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you? When are you releasing new stuff?” Liam asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After Ultra with Steve in a couple weeks, I’m probably just gonna go back to Donny and make sure that the girls are alright and then spend more time with this little lad and maybe write. No rush, really.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You miss it?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit yea. Kinda like having more privacy now. Less of a schedule but doing it with Steve has been fun. Not sure I’m ready for stuff on me own yet.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird, by yourself. Feels like I’m standing up there naked or summat.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it helps if you picture the audience naked, not yourself.” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll keep that in mind.” Niall deadpanned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you Styles, yours is out soon, yea?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“May” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excited?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, nervous. Gotta answer all the questions myself now. Can’t throw them to one of you. But I’m excited to tour again.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll do fine.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I do want to play it for you, before it comes out. There could be questions.” Harry said awkwardly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stiffened not sure what to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, mate. Whenever you want.” Louis said, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any about me on there?” Niall said, giving him a wink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Harry deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then” Niall fake huffed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate to cut this short lads, but I have to get us ready to go.” Louis said looking at his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We gotta go too.” Liam said checking his watch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You busy for dinner? I figured I’d come annoy you tonight too. Good game on tonight too.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you not pay your bills or something?” Louis asked, shaking his head at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I did.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This about you now living by yourself?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mully moved into his own place. I get lonely.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how much fun it’ll be here with him poorly but yea you can come back. I know your loneliness is a secret ploy to make sure I’m not just putting on an act that I’m fine.” Louis said, giving Niall a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That obvious?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea lad. I know you better than almost anyone else.” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um if you want you can come back over when we get back. Play me your album if you want.” Louis said nervously to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh yea, I can do that. I’ve been cooking a lot lately so I’ll make some stuff and bring it over.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to keep cooking. I can take care of meself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I just stress cook.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave him a confused look since he knew there was still a few months to go for the new album. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Album’s got a few more months, is everything okay?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just feels like starting over.” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew him, or at least thought he did and knew there was something Harry wasn’t telling him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll text you when we’re back.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good. I’ll head out with those two then.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Payno, next time I see you, you’ll be a daddy.” Louis said, smirking and pulling him in for a tight hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that’s the plan.” Liam said nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be a great dad, Li. You can always call me whenever.” Louis said squeezing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Tommo” Liam said, squeezing him just as hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just remember not to drop the baby and not to name him anything stupid.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would I do without you?” Liam deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno.” Louis grinned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you two later. Ni, you never gave me your key back so just let yourself out. I have to get him changed and all that.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Freddie, can’t wait for you to meet your new friend.” Liam said kissing Freddie’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say bye to Uncle Payno” Louis said, waiving Freddie’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie just gave Louis a look and Louis grimaced knowing he makes that exact face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you tonight.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just text me whenever your back, yea.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will. Bye lads.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He quickly changed Freddie and put him into some sweatpants and a hoodie and threw on jeans and a hoodie for himself and slipped on his vans. He grabbed the backpack he uses for Freddie and a few snacks just in case he got hungry and strapped him into his car seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you feel poorly lad, but we’ll get you all better.” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I made up about the contracts and everything. I clearly don't know what went on, it's all just my own imagination. Please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Harry plays his solo album for Louis.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis made it into the waiting room of the doctor’s office and he was glad there was no fan fare to deal with. Freddie was old enough that he could just carry him in his arms instead of the carseat. Louis had put on a baseball hat and sunglasses before he left and he made sure that Freddie’s face was against his chest in case people spotted them and were taking pictures. It seemed like since his mum died, even more paps were after pictures of him and it was harder to sneak around. He hated that Freddie got thrown into it, he was only an innocent baby and Louis hated the disrespect. There were a few other parents in the waiting room, most of them didn’t even acknowledge his presence. He turned around after checking Freddie in and took his glasses off and saw a younger looking mom trying to not freak out and kept staring at him. He just said a small hi and sat as far away from her as possible. She looked about his age whereas the rest were mostly a little older and he really hoped this wasn’t going to be a thing. He loved his fans, but sometimes they were a little much and Freddie always came first. Freddie was fussy and whiny in his lap so he pulled out one of the teething toys which did little to comfort the baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay, lad.” Louis said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily no one tried to take any pictures and soon enough they were called back. Louis liked the pediatrician that they had picked for Freddie. She was a little older than his mum and was very respectful. In her office he saw a picture of her with two tween girls and Louis immediately recognized the background, it was from their concert stage in 2014. Louis asked about it and she said that she was a fan because of her daughters. So far she had been completely respectful of Louis and their privacy and was also a good doctor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Tomlinson, Freddie, hi” Dr. Jones said walking in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis please” Louis said shaking her hand</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She washed up and asked Louis to place Freddie on the exam table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, I guess that’s why I haven’t seen you for a few months.” She said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had always tried to at least make all of the well checkups but when his mum had gotten really bad, he had stayed in England and had missed them since November. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, yea it’s been a rough go of it. She was a great mum.” Louis said, giving her a sad smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you doing alright?” She asked kindly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright. Just working through everything. Working a bit. But hanging out with this little lad has helped.” Louis said, looked down at Freddie who had calmed down a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what brings you two in today?” She asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s been getting some new teeth and Briana’s away so I’ve had him the last few days. I had given him some medicine a few nights ago, it took away his fever and he was fine all day yesterday. Some friends were over yesterday and it was just a low key day. He napped and ate dinner fine. This morning he seemed alright and then he was a little fussy and I thought the lad was just hungry but then he never settled, didn’t eat much. And then I noticed he kept pulling his ear and it seemed red and his temperature was back. Overall he just seemed poorly.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to hear that, Freddie” She said, starting to examine him. “Was this the first he was pulling his ear?” she asked Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, was fine yesterday. Played all day, seemed fine. Since his temperature came back I figured it would be better to make sure nothing else was bothering him. Briana thought we should have waited but I was a little concerned.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you did the right thing. Fevers can happen with new teeth but the ear and redness shouldn’t have.” She said motion for Louis to take Freddie’s hoodie off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got him situated and the doctor started her full exam, mostly talking to Freddie to distract him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, come on lad, let the nice doctor look in your ear.” Louis tried to soothe him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to sit up here and put him on your lap? I just need to get a better look in his ears and nose.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis jumped up and tried to pin Freddie’s head to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis turned Freddie’s head in his hands so his left ear was pressed against his chest and the doctor had full access to his right. Freddie didn’t seem overly pleased but Louis smiled at him and he relaxed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty good at that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m the oldest of seven, me mum was a midwife, not completely new at dealing with poorly babies. Also including me bandmates, they didn’t handle getting sick on tour well” Louis said giving her a laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie continued to squirm and kept giving Louis looks as she checked him over. Louis was trying to make funny faces back to him but it didn’t seem to be helping as she got to the red ear, Freddie started to cry big, fat tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh, you’re okay” Louis tried to soothe. He kissed Freddie on the top of his head, but Freddie only shot him a look of betrayal that broke Louis’ heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, lad.” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Freddie, we’re all done.” Dr. Jones said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like shots all over again.” Louis said laughing as he dressed Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He definitely has a strong personality” She said laughing at the fact he was still pouting to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think I recovered yet from the look he gave me when I had to hold him for the shots. Felt like the worst father ever.” Louis laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely one of the hardest parts.” She said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to make more noise so Louis reached into his backpack for a dummy and luckily Freddie took it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There you go, lad. No need to scream your head off.” Louis said kissing his head again and placing his little beanie back on his head and pulling it down over his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So it’s more than just teething, you were correct. He does have an ear infection and seems to be a little stuffy. Not anything to worry about. Is he in day care or anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I took him to the park the first day I had him but his mum’s brother is still in school so it’s not like he’s not exposed to other people.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seems like the typical stuff we see this time of year. I will call in a prescription for him and he should start to feel better in a day or two.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you so much. See Fred, you’re gonna be just fine” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Take care” She said leaving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got them all ready to go and as he was about to leave the receptionist stopped him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Tomlinson it seems someone must have put out where you were. The parking lot is pretty full.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just groaned and wondered if he was going to need to call Alberto or someone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have two nurses trying to get everyone to move out of the way and one of the doctors said he could walk you out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not a problem Mr. Tomlinson. Just wanted to make sure you two got out safely.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate it. Especially with him. It’s one thing when it would happen to us, but he’s just a baby.” Louis said as the other doctor walked out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We mostly got everyone pushed back and” Louis stopped when his phone started to go off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Oli telling him that he and Freddie were trending online after someone had tweeted pictures of Louis walking in with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry it was me assistant telling me that there were pictures of Freddie and I coming in here. Do you mind walking out with us. I just worry about him.” Louis said holding Freddie tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No of course not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought I’d get in and out no problem.” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let us know whenever you're ready.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got a blanket out to cover Freddie the best he could and got his keys ready. He really thought he could have went to the doctor’s with Freddie without a problem. All the offices in there are medical based and Louis though people would have had more respect for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to go, right Fred?” Louis asked, bouncing him in his arms a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie just made noises under the blanket and Louis hated that he couldn’t even take his baby to the doctor without it trending on twitter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded to the doctor and followed him to the door. The nurses had been able to get people to move and Louis was able to get Freddie strapped in without incident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you so much” Louis said, getting into the car. He made a note to text Oli to send them something since clearing crowds was clearly out of their job description. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was glad he was able to go through the drive through to get the medicine and before they knew it they were home. He had silenced a few calls from Briana on his drive and knew he was going to need to call her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got him and Freddie inside and gave Freddie some medicine which went better than he was expecting and decided to give Freddie a bottle and see if he would take it. He propped him up and put Briana on speaker. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened to you not getting photographed with him?” She asked when she answered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like it was planned. Maybe if you didn’t always post about him on a public account people wouldn’t care as much.” Louis said, not in the mood for this conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were the one who took him out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea he’s my son too, it’s not like I was parading him around in public. I took him to doctors.” Louis said, trying not to get angry in front of Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just be more careful.” Briana criticized </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I always am with him.” Louis said “And he’ll be fine by the way but I’m glad I just didn’t take him back to your mums since he needed medicine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never said not to take him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did, but I’m not gonna fight with you over it.” Louis said sighing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well my mom will be there shortly to pick him up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What why?” Louis yelled before he realized he startled Freddie. He shushed him and took a deep breath. “I have him all week. Why are you doing this?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s sick Louis, just take him home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is his home too. And between me and you I think I have far more experience with sick kids.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not more than my mom” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, she ever take care of four at one time? I have. He’s been extra clingy today and you know I have to go at the end of next week. Just let me have my son. God I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. Why do you keep forcing me out?” Louis asked annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have custody of him.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt a range of emotions run through him but knew taking the bait would not help him, and Liam doesn’t think he’s matured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, and I tried Briana. God I fucking tried and you wouldn’t budge. You tried to put a price on our kid and yea in the end you won because my mum got too sick and I had to leave. So yea, you got the fame and an adorable kid and the money and the sympathy and I get some visits. He’s over a year old and has never spent the night here before until now.” Louis said, getting more frustrated by the second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I’m not finished. I don’t need to post all about him or take him all over LA. I’m perfectly fine being here with him because that’s all I want is to see my kid and be apart of his life and be a good dad. Just let me fucking do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re clearly not okay. I’ll have my mom come pick him up.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you shutting me out of his life? I've never given you a reason to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Danielle, your arrest. Eleanor now’s back too.Do you want me to continue?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I apologized for Dani, Eleanor and I are just friends. She’s helping with stuff. No different with Oli. And the charges are going to be dropped. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was an accident. I’ve never given you a reason to not let me have Freddie, I don’t know if this is some kind of game to you but it’s not to me. I know what it’s like to be abandoned by your own father. As his mother, you shouldn't want him to know what that feels like either.” Louis said, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. But my mom might come to check on him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your mom's kid Briana. This isn’t about you being worried about him, it’s about hating me, and I thought we were past it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll never understand it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understand what?” Louis practically yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t exactly want a baby this young, but here we are.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry the condom fucking broke. I’m sorry you couldn’t keep track of your birth control. But don’t take it out on him and if you’re going to, please let me have full custody. I told you that from the beginning.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So all of your fans can talk shit about me ever more. No.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what you’re worried about?” Louis asked shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No..” She said defensively </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not a prop, he’s not a fucking toy to show off. He’s a baby, Briana. Our baby and I get it must be hard being a single mum, I saw me own do it for years but she never kept me from my father. She tried and he always bailed and then she let it be my decision. So just stop keeping me out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll talk about it when I get home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Louis said, hanging up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked Freddie up and cuddled him to his chest. He wasn’t sure how it all turned into this, and even though the court recognized him as the father, he was scared Briana would keep doing this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Freddie, I always will fight for what’s best for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cuddled Freddie tight to his chest and quietly sang him a song, they both were worked up and he remembered Harry telling him babies can sense the atmosphere or something when Doris and Ernie were born and he figured calming down wouldn't harm Freddie even if it didn’t hurt him. He gently swayed back and forth with him in his arms. Freddie had tucked his head between Louis’s neck and shoulder and had his sore ear pressed against Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you lad.” Freddie said quietly, kissing his head again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He remembered when his sisters were little, if he wanted to prolong bed time or couldn’t sleep, he would sit with his mum if one of the babies wouldn’t settle. Sometimes she would give them to Louis who either rialied them up or calmed them down, never anything in between. He thought about the first few nights they all stayed in the house he had bought for Freddie and Briana, him and his mum up with Freddie feeding him at night. He would do anything to go back to those nights.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis dried his tears and Freddie’s and flipped on the Lion King, it usually cheered Freddie up and he’d point to Cliff and then the TV and Louis didn’t have the heart to tell him that Cliff wasn’t a lion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to sleep love, daddy’s got you.” Louis said, gently rubbing Freddie’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis fell asleep with Freddie on his chest, who was also sleeping soundly. All of a sudden he was woken up by his phone blaring and some Lion King song was playing. He’d still had a good grip on Freddie and tried to regain his sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh” He soothed so Freddie didn’t start crying as he scrambled to find where he threw it after his phone call. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What” He answered without even looking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, sorry it’s Harry. I’m here. You texted to come whenever I was ready, that you were home..” A slow voice said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis checked the time and let out a stream of curse words and made his way to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Louis said hanging up the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey sorry, I fell asleep.” Louis said, rubbing his eyes as he stumbled over to his door. Freddie was still against his chest deciding whether or not to scream his head off and Louis only hoped he would calm down.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S’okay.” Harry said shrugging. He took a good look at Louis. His hair was messy and his hoodie was twisted and he just looked exhausted. He looked at how content Freddie was in his arms, how after Louis put his hand on Freddie’s back he calmed down and cuddled into Louis’ hoodie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All Louis wanted to do was cuddle into Harry and ask him to ask Jeff to call whoever and get him full custody of Freddie or at least better custody than he has now. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t pull Harry into his shit show. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Harry asked looking him over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea” Louis said, waiving Harry into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt self conscious standing in front of Harry with a half unhappy baby in his arms. He knew his face was puffy and red from crying before he fell asleep. He knew he had a few day stubble and his hair was a mess after he took his cap off. Harry was only wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt, his hair much shorter than Louis preferred but to Louis, he would always be beautiful. Harry had seen him look far worse over the years, but there was something in the back of Louis’ head that was making him far more self conscious than he had the capability of dealing with tonight.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took a good look at him and could he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. His smile didn’t meet his eyes, they were dark and red and his cheeks puffy. He looked exhausted and generally worn down. Harry wished he could do more to help, but he wasn’t sure how hard to push, how much Louis wanted him around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said quietly, leaning his hip against the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong? Is Freddie okay?” Harry asked, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. Just an ear infection. He was tired enough that it was easy to get the medicine in him. Just a conversation I had with Briana after the fact, sorry I’m just angry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened? Harry asked, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The usual shit, blaming me, trying to get her mum to come get him. Everything’s my fault. She’s apparently still fucking mad over me dating Danielle. I admit it was a shit thing to do, not one of my better decsions time wise but like move the fuck on. Said she wasn’t thrilled being a single mum this young, apologized again for the condom. The usual shit.” Louis said, getting agitated again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be okay.” Harry said, placing a calming hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Sorry if I interrupted nap time.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hadn’t expected to fall asleep meself.” Louis said going over to the couch after Harry put everything away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry followed him in and Louis decided to talk again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate that she keeps threatening my time with him. I’m terrified of the day she won’t let me see him. But I already failed at custody in court and I can’t believe I thought this would be better. That I fell for the oh, you can see him whenever. She’s trying to make me into me father.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis no. She can’t do that. You’re not your father Louis. You have so much love for this baby, and no you’re not dragging him all over LA and the internet. But when you send us all pictures of him or updates of him. I mean he fucking rolled over and you sent a play by play and multiple videos, because you were so proud of him. You would’ve thought the lad just won the world cup.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said feeling a little better </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t thank me. It’s the truth.” Harry said, seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m scared to death she’s going to flat out refuse one day to let me see him and I don’t know what I would do.” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You call me, no matter where I am. I’ll help you in any way I can. I know how important he is to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know why he wanted Harry to fix everything or why Harry could so easily talk him down. But he missed this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a good dad, Louis. Sure you might not see him all the time but he’s little, and he still goes right to you. None of that weird part of remembering who you are. He just knows you’re his dad, knows you love him and knows you’ll protect him. When I got here, he looked like he was seconds from a fit and you put your hand on his back and he calmed down and cuddled right into you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess so. Just scared that he’ll ever feel the same way I did. Didn’t want it like this.” Louis said gently, running his hand on Freddie’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you didn’t. I know it’s not ideal. But you have it, don’t let anyone take it from you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Louis said, wiping his eye. Glad Harry ignored the fact he was crying again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could always go back to court.” Harry offered gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to hurt him like that. The media was brutal last time and not all of it can be sealed and like he’s a baby, and I just want to protect him. I couldn’t ever take him away from Briana or her parents I guess. It would be too mean, as much as I want him, he needs them too. He’s with them most of the time and he’s old enough to know who people are, I feel like that would mess him up. Just miss him, that’s all.” Louis said shrugging</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know the whole if you love them let them go saying but it’s okay to fight for what you want too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Court would never give me full custody, especially since my permanent residence is in London. Wasn’t here enough to claim it.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said yourself he doesn't have to be attached to her anymore. Try to work it out so you can take him to London or Donny. My dad used to get to take Gems and me on vacation every summer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You also weren’t the product of a two month fling” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t mean you don’t have every right to your son as well.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just never wanna do anything to hurt the little lad” Louis said quietly as Freddie slept on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think you could. Just think when you finally release your own album and go on tour, you already got a little groupie.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would be pretty fucking adorable. Lux loved it when she was little.” Louis said smiling</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could get him a little tour jacket and all” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re planning me tour and I haven’t even decided what I want to do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just keep fighting for him and yourself.” Harry said, squeezing his knee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So speaking of albums, do I get to hear this infamous HS1?” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Harry asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright you need to stop doing that. You haven’t put out a shit song yet, always liked what you wrote before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lot more pressure now. People expect me to stay in this cookie cutter boyband shit, and yea we were boys in a band but those last three albums weren’t your typical bubblegum boy band pop.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I made sure they weren't” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Imagine if they hadn't let you have control of Midnight Memories.” Harry said shaking his head</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There were a few bangers on the first two albums but yea, glad we added a more rockier vibe.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liked the last one too, had a Fleetwood feel too it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis said nodding “Now, stop stalling H, lemme hear.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, like if you um, if you hate any of them, like uh just tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not gonna hate them” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like some people are expecting me to fail, and not live up to the hype. I never compared it to the band, there were five and then four of us, obviously it’s a different feel to it. Lot more of us to cover a stage and I don’t know...I’m talking shit.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You usually do talk a lot of shit, but not now Haz. It makes sense.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never want it to seem like I didn’t like the band, because I couldn’t have fucking did what we did by myself. Wouldn't have wanted to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a good look at him and he seemed just as nervous as he did in the beginning when they wanted people to like their music. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Haz. You’re brilliant, and as long as you’re happy with what you put out, that’s all that matters. We’ll never compare ourselves to the band or each other, don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to do that. Be yourself and make the music you want to.” Louis said gently, reaching around Freddie to squeeze his knee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Lou” Harry said, taking a deep breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, on with it.” Louis said, gesturing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, right. On my phone.” Harry said, getting his phone out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened a few things and then shakily passed his phone to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis propped Freddie between some pillows next to him to let him nap away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Start at the top?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Louis said as his finger hovered over play </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meet Me in the Hallway started to play and Louis listened intently. Harry sounded different, older, more mature. He hadn’t heard him sing anything new in over a year so what was he expecting. He had questions he wanted to ask but he didn’t always love questions about his own writing so as it finished he just waited. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?” Harry asked nervously “You um, you hate it right? Like that’s why you were quiet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, no. I didn’t know if you felt comfortable sharing” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Harry said, relaxing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s about us, the band. How we started off so good and then things were still good but there was pain and eventually we couldn’t get past the pain and had to leave but like and how we still all sparsely talked but went around the important things. I um, I wrote it when I was missing you lot, struggling to figure out if I could do this on my own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you come off it” Louis said, shocked, “I didn’t tell you the song was bad when you started to put in about big brown poo or wrong sized shoes. Don’t think I could hate what you do. Wow just as in it’s powerful and deep and on the surface no one would suspect it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry liked that Louis got what he meant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next one’s a little heavy.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to fuss and Louis picked him up and cuddled him to his chest and learned back and got comfy, pressing play. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh, listen to these, lad.” Louis soothed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry closed his eyes, this song always got to him, and it made his mum cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was listening to it and he felt his emotions start to surface with “You can’t bribe the door on the way to the sky.” Louis listened to it and then repeated it again, all without saying anything. He was holding onto Freddie tight. It’s a lot of what he wished for Freddie, that he has to keep going and be himself, there will be hard times but Louis will always be there for him. Louis wasn’t expecting this many emotions for a song, Freddie was lounged against Louis’ chest and he just kept kissing the top of his head, while the tears came out. Harry said it would be heavy but he felt he needed more warning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It finished for a second time and Louis pressed pause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Harry said, wiping a few stay tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell Haz, there’s a difference between heavy and balling me fucking eyes out.” Louis said, rubbing his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s um, it’s the first single. Probably the quickest song I ever wrote.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t mean to come off as harsh but like are you writing funeral music now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry started cracking up and Louis looked at him with wide eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall thought it was about you. Like I murdered you or summat” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too much fucking blonde hair dye, went to his head.” Louis said, giving him a smile</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wrote it from a mum’s perspective of dying after giving birth and telling her child that it’ll be alright, they need to live their life and they will make mistakes but their mum will always be there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Half right then, I guess. Bloody hell, sad that..” Louis said, rubbing Freddie’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got me all emotional.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should’ve told you to skip it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no” Louis softened “It’s what I want Freddie to know, always be himself and I’ll love him no matter what.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry smiled at him, it was always nice when you knew that your music could make people feel things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum balled her eyes out too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne did say you wrote a song that made her cry but she wouldn’t tell me anything else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis listened to the next one and then the one that popped up after made Harry freeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll know this one.” Harry said, nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged and pressed play. As soon as he heard the first sentence he paused it again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry </span>
  <span>said quietly “Made a few changes since then but not many” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis heard the first few sentences “</span>
  <span>Same lips red, same eyes blue, Same white shirt, couple more tattoos, But it's not you and it's not me” and he took a deep breath. Louis listened to the whole song, his eyes watering and finally letting go at “</span>
  <span>We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me”. He was pretty sure he let out a sob and Feddie gave him a weird look but went back to sucking on his dummy. Louis proceeded to play it a second and third time. He was going for a fourth when Harry hit pause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wrote...” Louis asked in a strangled voice, it was about him and it was painful to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had written back when they were writing their last album, a few lyrics had been changed. Louis always wondered if it was about him but Harry had told the boys that it was about Gemma, without the gender pronouns now, Louis knew. He knew because it was exactly how he felt. They became two people that had to co-exist together, that were forced to act like they hadn't been in love and they both had to put up these exteriors to hide how much pain they were in without the other, but looking at Harry back then, still took Louis’ breath away. “Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat”, Louis knew that feeling exactly. In the beginning, every time he saw Harry after they broke up, he felt the wind get knocked out of him like it got hit in a footie game, he felt lost without Harry, it was like half of him was trying to go one way, and the other half, another. It wasn’t him and it wasn’t Harry that finally tore them apart. And this song held everything Louis felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t hate him, he was in just as much pain as Louis was. Louis gently placed Freddie on a soft blanket among his toys, now that he was awake. He got up to get him a snack, needing a second to collect himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it help if I told you Niall cried and yelled I fucking knew it?” Harry asked, as Louis still had his back to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe a little” Louis said exhaling heavily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never actually hated me?” Louis asked in a quiet voice </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry closed his eyes and shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, I thought you did.” Louis said quietly, looking away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It just hurt to see you, to know you were in pain and I couldn’t do anything about it. We weren’t allowed to look at each other or touch each other in public. And then you broke up with me and I you closed yourself off completely from me and I didn’t know who you were and then I wasn’t sure if you were still as sad as I was. I thought you were over it and I guess I hated that you were able to continue like nothing happened. Like I was the one left with all this pain and and I felt like if you knew how I felt you would have told me that you never felt the same way. I hated the situation and I hated what it did to us and I guess it was easier to hate you or at least try to tell myself that. I never actually hated you, for what it’s worth. I know it seemed like it. I just didn’t know how to handle it. From the beginning of the x-factor if I needed to talk to someone you were always there. I not only lost you as my boyfriend, but I lost my best friend too. I know some of that got resolved a little before the hiatus but…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it was physically us standing there but neither one of us knew what the fuck to do about it.” Louis said, folding his arms around himself </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too obvious?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably way too fucking obvious, especially since Julian and John’s names are on it.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, if it’ll cause you too many problems. Fuck, I should’ve asked you or played it for you before.” Harry said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Louis said gently, walking over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis placed Freddie’s snack on the counter and hugged Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s beautiful, it’s raw and it’s what I felt and didn’t know how to put into words. It’s what we are or were. I want it to be were.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Harry said hugging Louis tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never actually hated me?” Louis asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t, Lou. Ever..” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um…. I lost my best friend to” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m right here now, and I’m not going anywhere.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t” Louis said hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever think that if we had just stayed friends things would have been easier, that we wouln’t have gotten so hurt?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew that I liked you before we moved in together, I think I would have been hurt either way.” Harry admitted slowly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still not sure what you saw in eighteen year old me.” Louis said, deflecting his emotions </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry caught on and Louis thought maybe they still knew each other better than they wanted to admit to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thin scarves and flippy bowl cuts.” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twat” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well so far I’ve cried at half of the songs.” Louis said walking back into the living room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next ones about you too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you name the album Louis fucked up?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you didn’t and writing this album showed me that it wasn’t just my pain, you were in pain too and you tried to fix everything and needed help and I didn’t help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Louis said, Harry had said this in so many words the day before but it took the wind out of him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not mad anymore Louis, what we had was amazing and I wish it hadn’t have had to end, but I’m not sure we would have made it and I hate saying that but I think we both were drowning, you said that yourself. I should never have been mad at you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s um, it’s good to move on.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t exactly say that, now did I. I said I understood it, I still wish it hadn’t happened that way. When things were okay and management wasn’t trying to make us hate each other it was great, Lou. Didn’t matter where we were or what we were doing. I just wanted you.” Harry said, voice cracking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t…” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious Louis. It was still the best relationship I’ve ever been in. No one ever made me feel as loved and cared about as you did. And I know I was insecure at times and that caused problems but listen to the next song, please.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and handed Freddie his snack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you go lad” Louis said handing him a little container baby puffs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wrote this one after I got over my anger, because I shouldn’t have been angry at you and fuck you for letting me take it all out on you.” Harry said, poking his shoulder</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I deserved it.” Louis shrugged</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t, if you would just press play.” Harry said putting the phone in Louis’ hands </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis pressed play and and it seemed more uptempo but then Harry was singing about one of the many conversations they had when things got too hard. He felt himself losing the resolve on his emotions at “Two hearts, one home” but Harry started to play with his fingers on the hand on his knee and he felt himself relax. Harry was telling him that yes, they were stubborn and things were hard but Louis was the one to ground him, and protect him and love him. Harry said in this song, they don’t talk enough and they were too young for everything they went through, but Harry still has all these happy memories and no matter what Harry knows Louis will always be able to ground him, to bring him back to earth and tell him everything will be okay. To Louis this was Harry forgiving him, knowing no matter what Louis would always be there for him. That Louis didn’t want to leave him and was giving him the space. Louis was a mess by the end of it. Louis couldn’t forgive himself, Harry learned that yesterday, and right now it looked like he was having the struggle of trying to believe the song but still hating himself for hurting Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said gently after Louis sat there quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said through a choked sob. Because Harry already said he forgave him, but now he was putting it out for the whole word to hear and Louis wasn’t sure he could forgive himself. This is what Harry meant when he told Louis he took him for granted and knew Louis would always fix everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his knees pulled up on the sofa and his forehead on the tops of them, he didn’t know why he was still crying. He thought he cried enough yesterday, but here he was, an emotional mess again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Harry said, pulling Louis closer to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked down at Freddie and saw he was perfectly content playing with blocks and eating puffs and now it was Harry’s turn to be there for Louis, to bring him out of his own head. Louis was at the end of the road for everything someone could go through and Harry would be there for him every step of the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis straddled Harry’s legs and buried his face in Harry’s shoulder. He missed the way he and Harry fit together, he missed the way Harry’s curls would brush against his face. He missed Harry trying to act like he wasn’t six feet tall and curling in on Louis. He missed the way Harry’s arms felt around him, he was a little thinner than he had been at the start of their hiatus but it was still Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Louis, please forgive yourself.” Harry whispered to him. He felt Louis shudder against him, he could feel his sobs on his shoulder and Harry just hugged him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis tucked his head into the left side of Harry’s neck and shoulder and let his emotions go. He had a tight grip on Harry’s shirt and he felt Harry’s arms holding him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what I tried to explain yesterday, writing helped me realize that you only ever tried to protect me, and I blamed you when I shouldn’t have. So please, Louis, please forgive yourself for whatever you think is your fault, because it’s not. You’re the sweetest person I know.” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t” Louis whispered and if Harry hadn’t been listening intently, he would have missed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can, you have to. It wasn’t you, Lou. And I’m so sorry I put that on you. I shouldn’t have. It was easier to blame you every day because you were there, you were always fucking there for me even when I thought you had abandoned me. You never let me down, you’ve hidden the sweet caring side of you and I know you did it to protect yourself but you shouldn't have to put up with the billshit that the media says. I know that’s not you. It’s why you’ll always be a sweet creature.” Harry said, he was hugging Louis tightly and he brought one hand up to cup the back of Louis' head. He felt Louis’s tears on his shirt, Louis was still shaking and Harry held onto him that much tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis mumbled into Harry’s neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t know how else to convey this to Louis since he clearly was living up to the stubborn part so when Louis turned his head, Harry captured the corner of Louis' mouth and gave him a light kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Louis said, he sounded so broken that Harry didn’t know what to do or say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t let you go back down the road of you hating yourself and the too many cigarettes and red bull and not enough real food and sleep. The media put you out as this frat boy, selfish, I don’t give a shit about anything, and you’re not. I know you feel like the airport incident was inevitable, that it’s how people see you so why should it be a surprise. But I know the real you, the one who loved my stupid jokes and who loved pranks and rom coms and was comfortable enough to cry during rom coms, who loves his family and friends more and harder than anyone I know. You just want to make music that makes people feel things and help them the way it helps you, you wanna be a good friend and brother and dad. You always took care of the rest of us when we were sick or homesick, no questions asked. Yea you goofed off in interviews but you didn’t let the interviewers walk all over us. You always took care of us. You were only eighteen and you got four teenagers and you looked after them no questions asked, and you were still basically a kid yourself. But you were always there for us, no matter what. You’re so good, Lou, so so good. I wish you understood that. You’ve been told for so long now what to do and what not to do that you feel like you have to hide that, that why would anyone think you would ever like another man. But Louis, that’s how you used to make me feel, you were sweet and soft and you are the sweetest creature out there, so please believe me.” Harry said, he kissed him on his head and he felt Louis’ bony fingers digging into his back and he couldn’t have cared less. Louis shuddered and finally looked at Harry. Harry swiped a few of Louis’ tears away with his thumb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now apologize to yourself.” Harry instructed, which earned him a look from Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was still straddling Harry and he moved his head off Harry’s chest and kissed him. Louis brought one hand to Harry’s shoulder and the other cupped the side of his cheek, he bit Harry’s lower lip and continued to kiss him. He still had tears coming out of his eyes and he knew he told Harry yesterday they couldn’t do this but he needed it. He needed to feel loved and cared about. Harry was pliant under Louis and kissed him back, he let Louis take control he felt Louis’ hand move to the back of his neck. Harry slipped a few fingers under the back of Louis’ sweatshirt and gently ran his fingers along his lower back. He felt Louis start to pull back and Louis’ teeth scraped over his bottom lip again. Harry let out a quiet moan that he never meant to and he felt Louis smirk against him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat up quickly and Harry had to catch him so he didn’t smack his head on the coffee table. Harry thumbed away the remaining tears from Louis’ cheeks and hugged him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, sorry” Louis said brushing his fingers over his lips, realizing he just made out with Harry in front of his son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He buried his face into Harry’s neck, to try and hide the blush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel Harry’s lips on his neck and he shook his head, Harry immediately stopped and tugged him up to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis’ cheeks were flushed and wet from tears, his eyes were red and tired and his hair was messy and it took Harry’s willpower to not kiss him again, to not take him and Freddie and hide them both away from the rest of the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was, um. It was beautiful, the progression from being hurt to remembering the good times. Great song.” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just gave him a look and Louis giggled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand what you mean, and hearing that. But it’s you that’s the sweet creature. You’re all good Haz, love and kindness.” Louis said kissing his shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled off Harry but leaned his head on Harry’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you to stop blaming yourself.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno how.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I put all that on you and never considered how much you were hurting too.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said burying his head in Harry’s shoulder again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked up at them and starting making noise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I guess I traumatized me little lad.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie didn’t even look like he knew Louis and Harry were in the room. That quickly he went back to playing. He was intent on trying to get his stuffed dog into the block house he built and everytime it fell he just put them back together. Dummy, half hanging out of his mouth in concentration. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I didn’t mean to do that. It just…” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might not believe you if it happens a third time.” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, well you moan just like you did at eighteen.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t help what you do to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, young ears” Louis said, lightly slapping Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So on a far less serious question, how the fuck do you expect to lie about who those two songs are for?” Louis asked, raising one eyebrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Working on that. Jeff apparently went back and tried to watch me deny us in the early days and he said I didn’t do a very good job.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he making you deny it all together? Like girl or boy, or whatever?” Louis asked sadly, hoping Harry would have had more freedom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, no. He is letting me say whatever I want about that, said I could even say it was about you. But I didn’t think you would like that very much.” Harry said, trying to gauge his reaction</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yea. That must cause some issues on my end.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Those songs are personal, I don’t know if I’m ready to divulge them all just yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love I hate to break it to you but according to the Irish one you have a single coming out in a few weeks.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do, I do.” Harry said laughing “I just, it was amazing and perfect, you know. Me and you. But it had its moments and it had its pain and I’m thankful that I had an outlet for those emotions, it allowed me to process it all.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that sounds like a very nice PR answer.” Louis said, poking his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the truth though, I mean that part. But I won’t do anything to draw more attention to you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um what was it, same red lips, same eyes blue, same white shirt, couple more tattoos?” Louis chided </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis let out an honest to God belly laugh and saw Harry smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeff had the same reaction.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, you’re a shit liar.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was something about Louis calling him love again that made him all warm and fuzzy and made him want so much more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know if I want to completely deny it.” Harry said looking away</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t force you to. I won’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just don’t want to make it harder on you either.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a big boy. I can handle meself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll work on it, don’t worry. I don’t want to make anything worse for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. I’m proud of you.” Louis said fondly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh come off of it. Of course I am Haz. You’re brilliant.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just blushed and Louis fondly rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They played through the rest of the songs and Kiwi started and Louis picked up Freddie bouncing along and danced sillily around his living room. Freddie laughed and clapped in his dad’s arms and Louis placed him on the ground and Freddie grabbed his fingers and danced along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry snuck a video and a few pictures and when the song was winding down he looked at Louis who was looking at Freddie like he was his whole world and the jealousy Harry had felt when he first found out, boiled to the surface a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually hated it when I wrote it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? It’s great” Louis said happily sitting back down with Freddie tucked in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno really. It’s grown on me though. Gems loves it, it’s a drunk dancing song, she said.” Harry admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad seems to like it too” Louis said nodding to Freddie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well as long as your one year old likes it then that’s all that matters.” Harry said smiling and tickling Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s great Haz, I’m really proud. You’ve come a long way since singing about poo” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just rolled his eyes. He was much more content now that Louis had heard it and liked it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like that it’s all of your influences combined. It’s you and it’s real and you should be really fucking proud.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That means a lot” Harry said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think you have anything to worry about, mate.” Louis said, smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re okay with the other two songs?” Harry asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well wouldn’t really matter anyway. It’s your music, I can’t tell you what to do with it. But no, they are beautiful and if they helped you, s’all that matters. Just next time warn a bloke before you make him cry.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please let me know what you think!</p><p>It might be a little bit longer for the next update, I'm not loving the chapter and I need to rework it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis tells Harry about his new problem.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Harry and Louis chatted about songwriting and soon Niall would be getting there for dinner and Louis would be lying if he said he hadn’t missed this. He might not have been totally himself and his son may have been sick, but he needed this time more than he realized. He needed his mates more than he would ever allow himself to admit. Liam, Niall and Harry knew him differently than Stan and Oli, probably knew him of a deeper level after everything they experienced together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had started dinner and Louis decided to attempt to help to get his mind of the other thing he needed to tell Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Louis said seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re already over cooking?” Harry asked over his shoulder</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said slightly confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, Harry. Stop chopping so you don’t cut your hand off please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, now properly confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you to go out and be yourself. Wear whatever you want, paint your nails and do what makes you happy. Go out with whoever you want, and just I want you to be happy.” Louis said nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really wanted to stop the words coming out of his mouth and he wished Freddie would start crying but the one time he wanted his son to cry he didn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” Harry drawled out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um” Louis said, wiping his hands on the kitchen towel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned Harry to face him and took his hands in his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our Irish friend said you sent him the video of me and the lad dancing to Kiwi and Niall knows that to a degree I can’t be as um, as open about things as the rest of you but he doesn’t know the full extent. Shit, what I’m saying is…” Louis trailed off and Harry cut him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re gonna say what I think you’re gonna say, don’t.” Harry said tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hazza. Please” Louis said nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just motioned for him to continue and folded his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not good for you. I can’t be good for you. You deserve better.” Louis said, working to keep his voice even. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you get to tell me what’s good for me?” Harry shot back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am, I’m stuck okay. I’m stuck in some fucking parallel universe that leaves me little ability to do what I want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got an email, when I checked the lineup that Steve sent me, I had an email from management. And I can’t bring you back into this. I won’t. I’ve known it was a possibility and yea, it’s happening again and I won’t hurt you again. I promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m confused.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I’m dating El again.” Louis tumbled out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked, trying to not be angry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apparently reuniting with your old girlfriend after a few years is good publicity and shows I’m not a dickhead that gets arrested. So it’s being announced probably after Ultra.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not good for you, you deserve better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do you.” Harry stated, some of the fight knocked out of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just ducked away from Harry’s gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you telling me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because it was too easy to fall back into the way we were. The good times. And we kissed several times in the last day and I can’t bring you into this. I won’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t I get a fucking say?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, because you’ll only get hurt. It will only put us back where we were. I’m not at a place to handle that on top of everything else. I don’t want this and El doesn’t want this but I knew they were planning something and I let Oli handle it all because I can’t deal with management right now and he asked me if I wanted El or make them find someone else and Eleanor agreed. They brought it up after the whole airport thing and said I either needed a stream of new flings or a steady girlfriend. I’d rather not spend my time with random women I don’t know. I don’t want to date anyone right now. Just wanna spend times with me son, sisters and brother. But that’s not acceptable enough. So at least I get along with Eleanor.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t know it was still 2013.” Harry said walking out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is what I meant though.” Louis said gently following him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s your life and if you’re too fucking scared then fine.” Harry said, throwing the kitchen towel at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, wait.” Louis said, catching the towel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s there to wait for Louis?” Harry shot back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Louis said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just scoffed and went outside to play with Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did I say that was wrong?” Louis asked after following him outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew he needed to tell Harry because he still had feelings for him but the way Harry was acting would mean Harry still had feelings for him too. Feelings were something Louis did not want to deal with at the moment. He needed a second to just breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still don’t think you’re worth waiting for, don’t think we’re worth waiting for.” Harry said annoyed, throwing a toy for Cliff </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re free from all that shit. You’re free to not label a damn thing. I’m not gonna be the one to ask you to shove yourself back into a closet. You’re free to prance around like a princess and be as adorable and cute as you are. You can wear whatever the fuck you want even if I think it’s the ugliest thing ever, you’ll still look amazing. You can paint your nails ever fucking color of the wind if you want. How could I ever ask you to give any of that up for me. For what Harry? Secret dates in a handful of places with NDAs. For hiding at friend’s houses and sneaking away if there’s too many people or a camera comes out. It didn’t work the last time Harry. It destroyed both of us, together and separately. Why would you want to go through that again. I can’t keep up that lie a second time. Freddie isn’t stupid, I can’t lie to him and he’ll be old enough to understand two people kissing before this is all over. So no Harry the risk to you and him isn’t worth it. He has to come first now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For this.” Harry said dropping the dog toy and marching over to Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wrapped an arm behind Louis’ back and kissed him. It was a mix between gentle and rough. Complete fond and aggression. Louis easily let himself be kissed and kissed Harry back. Harry linked his arms under Louis’ bum and picked him up, Louis going easily, mouths never disconnecting. Louis had one hand tangled in Harry’s hair at the back of his neck and the other on his shoulder. Harry still had one hand under Louis’ bum and the other under his hoodie and shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry broke them apart and put Louis down. “Now tell me there isn’t one fucking thing worth fighting for.” He adjusted himself in his joggers and walked away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat in the grass and put his head on his knees as Cliff came over be pet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I was a dog.” Louis mumbled into Cliff’s fur. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could still feel Harry all over him. They’d had a pretty healthy sex life once Louis got over his initial fears, Louis prefered to not be on the bottom but they would trade off, never doing something the other wasn’t comfortable with. This is what he wanted in his head. Harry to fix everything, tell him it would all be alright and be by his side no matter what. Maybe it wasn’t the noble thing to do anymore, to set him free. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a few deep breathes and went back into the house. Freddie had woken up in the little pen and was crawling around moving his toys around. He saw Louis had held his hands out to be picked up with his stuffed dog. Louis picked him up and he tried to tell Louis that the stuffed dog was Cliff and Louis decided to just go along with it. He was surprised to find Harry still in his kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry.” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um you’re still here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to go?” Harry asked, not making eye contact </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honeys I’m home” Niall called out, walking into Louis house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um what I’d miss?” Niall asked walking into the kitchen, knowing things were tense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” Harry said turning away </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to mind your own fucking business.” Louis said, taking Freddie and stomping up the stairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall heard Louis’ door close and turned to Harry giving him a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me?” Niall asked still confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told me you were certain he still felt the same way about me. He basically said the same thing and forget it.” Harry said, throwing the towel he was holding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, I’m lost.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m slightly lost too. Because Louis and I had a pleasant day and then when we started dinner he tells me something about you sending him the video of him and Freddie during Kiwi that I sent to both of you and then he’s telling me I can do whatever I want and he can’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Niall asked shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then he started talking about an email and Oli and Eleanor and dating El.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, that’s what Oli meant.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oli texted me and said to keep an eye on Louis that they were trying to make him date someone, he didn’t have all of the details and was going back into another meeting.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe Oli would do that to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not his call. He was only there on Louis’ behalf.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did this get so fucked up again?” Harry asked groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because people are shit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When Oli asked me last week to keep checking on him, he mentioned that he hadn’t told Louis yet about their new plans, but then he texted me today and said he talked to him, that Louis’ wasn’t going to be totally surprised by it. Even though everyone agreed Louis was right for protecting El and the others escalated it, his management wants to do damage control.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He told me that I was free to be whoever and do whatever and he wouldn’t bring me back into that. And we argued a little and then I snogged him in the backyard and told him we were worth it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Harry.” Niall said, shocked. “I left you two along for a half a day.” Niall said, pulling at his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do know Louis won’t ever do that again to you or anyone else. He’ll convince himself he still loves El as more than a friend and he’ll be extra romantic and try to sweep her off her feet because who wouldn’t fall for that. And he’s gonna keep lying to himself that he’s okay with it until he is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can’t” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You saw what the lying and everything did to him last time. Louis is one of the strongest people I know, but even he has a breaking point. He won’t do that to either of you again.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Know that he stayed with Syco so we could all get out?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s mouth just dropped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you did know.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve known since we ended. One of the old assistants told me. He had gotten fired and told me. Louis doesn't know that I know. I figured he would have told me anyway.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He told me yesterday, said none of you knew.” Harry said, trying to put it altogether. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hoped you two had left by now.” Louis said walking into the kitchen and putting Freddie into the highchair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m very confused.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t believe you knew this whole time.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you actually talk to us, and come clean.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel like Payno should be here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well he needs to sleep once he gets off the plane so I’ll fill him in later.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you can” Niall said, sitting him in a chair. “You two can’t keep either being in each other’s pants or at each other’s throats. It’s not healthy for either of you. You both say you can just be friends so fucking talk it out.” Niall said “Friends don’t keep big secrets from friends.” Niall said to Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want me to say. I’m fucking stuck with this contract and it’s time for the new Mrs. Fucking Tomlinson.” Louis said, annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I like El ok. She’s pretty and she’s fit and she’s smart and she’s my new girlfriend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d maybe believe you if you didn’t look so pissed off saying it.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you honestly tell me that me kissing you had no effect on you? Remember I could feel you grind down on me” Harry said angry. He felt like it was 2012 again and he had no say in anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No of course I can’t fucking tell you that.” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t I finish dinner and keep teaching Freddie how to say Uncle Niall and you two go talk. I swear to Jesus your pants better stay on and your tongues better stay in your own mouths.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Louis added </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went outside and Louis lit up a cigarette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could have told you that in a better way I suppose.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No shit” Harry deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m always going to have feelings for you, Harry. No matter how many times I tell myself I don’t. I don’t know why. But I can’t do the lying and sneaking around. It’s fake and I can’t stand that. I can’t do it again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re gonna convince yourself what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I don’t fucking still love you and that we can be friends. Is that what you want me to say?” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care about your stupid fucking contract. I care about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, there’s already rumors of you and a French model.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s friends with Alexa” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And she looks far closer to you than Alexa from the pap pics I saw.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you jealous? Is that what this is about?” Harry asked annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis blew the smoke out of his mouth and counted to ten in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I am jealous. Jealous that you can hold her hand at dinner and go out with her in public. Oli put his hand on my shoulder out in public and we both got yelled at that now people were going to think we were a couple. It was fucking phone call about them taking mum to the hospital again when I was here and all they were worried about was Oli’s hand on my shoulder. I can’t do that shit again. It’s not about you this time, they no longer have control over you. It’s only my interactions.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then let me help you” Harry pleaded, softening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to kill my career just yet.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Simon can’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Simon laid it all out for me, he can ruin my career and it doesn't matter if you three and Jeff side with me, if the girls from Little Mix, or Ed or Steve know and speak out. Simon laid it out and it only ends with my career being over and likely not having anything left to me name. And it’s not a risk I can take. Promised mum the girls and Ernie wound always be taken care of. Promised Freddie the same. It’s not just me that stands to lose everything. It’s all of us. You, Ni and Payno too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you’re scared I get it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get it. You don’t fucking get it.” Louis yelled, lighting a new one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I don’t get it but you never fucking considered if I’d sneak around with you again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No because I don’t want to. I don’t want you to.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you kissing me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a pipe dream, H.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want a date.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck, after all I said?” Louis asked, shocked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. A date when your contract ends.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“2021, maybe 2020. Early release for good behavior. I’m not just sitting back and letting it happen. I’m trying to fight it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ask me to wait” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you need to be who you are and love who you are and love who you want.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Because Harry I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever have the balls to ever publicly state that I love you or publicly come out or whatever. And I can’t ask you to wait for something that I can’t promise you in the end.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what are we then?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friends. It’s all I can be right now and honestly I’m doing a shit job at that.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do friends.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you greet Ed with the snog like that from earlier?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. He would very much not like that.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to be friends with Harry. But I want more and can’t have it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It really hurt you more than I ever knew, didn’t it?” Harry asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and took a long drag, willing the tears to go away from his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. We both live our lives and see where we are when your contract ends.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not asking you to wait for me.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You date whoever and I’ll date El and maybe in another life we can be together.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both sat there for a little pondering the whirlwind of a day and Louis just shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s why I’ve avoided you. Because I told you I’m a mess right now and getting out of bed some days is hard and our lives are very different now.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I respect that you put Freddie first. I hope you know that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do” Louis said, relaxing slightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” Harry asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you only call me Harry or Haz to Freddie and not Uncle like Liam and Niall?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should know the answer to that. You’re smart.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He patted Harry’s knee and walked back into the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I let him go again.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah Lou. Why can’t you just admit you both need each other.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do it right now, Ni. And he doesn't deserve that. Maybe in a few years.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” Niall called out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need a minute, Nialler.” Louis said quietly. He walked into the half bath and washed his face and went to put the food out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall had disappeared outside with Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H?” Niall said walking up behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like I got fucking dumped agian.” Harry said, wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall sat next to him and hugged him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t we just be together?” Harry asked sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched his two best friends fall in love and then saw that same love be destroyed all because some people were worried about their brand and image and he hated the whole thing. He saw them try to put themselves back together and he wasn’t sure any of them could keep doing this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to be friends, I don’t know if we can be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s what you need. You started off as friends. Maybe that’s the way to repair your relationship.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you told him about Robin?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I can’t” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He deserves to know” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He should get to say goodbye.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t be the one to drop that on him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to. Despite how much he’s hurting, he’s the only one that knows what you’re going through. You can’t keep it on your mum or Gemma to not slip either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish our biggest problem was Louis getting bit by a sea urchin.” Niall said putting his head on Harry’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, me too.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll work out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why won’t Louis call me Uncle Harry to Freddie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall let out a small laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on H. You’re not stupid.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis said the same thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um as much as I love your Irish sayings I never understand what the fuck you are on about, please tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t want you stuck as an Uncle. Because he still wants a future with you, not just as your friend. Come on H, by the time it could ever happen, Freddie will be old enough to talk and understand the difference between Uncle and Daddy’s boyfriend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He still loves you. He still wants to be with you. He’s leaving it open for possibility. If he tells Freddie to call you uncle, then Louis has given up on you two ever having a future together. And as hard as it is to see that right now, it’s his way of telling you he wants that future.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But.” Harry started, processing what Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall patted the top of Harry’s head and went back inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please comment and let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis is with Briana and Freddie when Harry calls and Louis can't imagine what has him so upset.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the slight delay. I was actually fairly pleased with this chapter. Please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It had been almost a week since Louis had seen Niall. Briana came home and was all too happy to whisk Freddie away from him. Louis had loved the time with him and he was feeling better. Niall came over and they were playing footie in the back garden. Louis knew he wasn’t going to ditch Niall any time soon so he figured he better get used to it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not mad you know.” Niall said kicking the ball </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good you shouldn’t be” Louis said kicking it back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should’ve told us” Niall said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t want to” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lewis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neil” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna say this and then I’ll stop.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh please go on” Louis said sarcastically </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You deserve everything you tell Haz, he deserves. If you want to be with Harry then you should fucking be with him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I explained this to Harold” Louis said, kicking harder than he intended, leading Niall to go chase the ball. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that. And I do think you two being friends will be good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great, me too. But I explained this, it won’t work. Me and him don’t work as more than friends.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, we covered that is me name.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are we gonna keep doing this shit until one of you either marries someone else or both get your heads on straight and finally just be together?” Niall asked, kicking the ball to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis froze when Niall talked about Harry marrying someone else which led the football to go right into his own dick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell” Louis said threw clenched teeth. He bent over and tried to breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit” Niall said, running over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Niall asked, he crouched down to where Louis was hunched over and he put his hand on Louis’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just drilled me in the fucking balls, no I’m not alright” Louis said still waiting for the nausea to pass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright sit down” Niall said, getting him onto the grass. He jogged over and got a water bottle and brought it back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell were you trying to take them off?” Louis said, trying to breath </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you froze.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Louis said knowing Niall was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to call someone to rub them up for you, make it feel all better?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You offering Horan?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some of the color returned to Louis' face and he wasn’t grimacing anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit that hurts” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, lad” Niall said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time remind me to wear a cup with you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fans quite like when you forget to wear a cup” Niall laughed, knowing Louis had gone viral. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I had one on, it just wasn’t enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought you knew better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“White was not flattering to me” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a diva” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When Freddie can’t have a sibling, I’ll have you explain it to him.” Louis said, getting up as his phone rang. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea whose kid are you fathering next?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, who do you fancy this week?” Louis joked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny” Niall said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno” Louis said opening the facetime </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheryls in labour and in the hospital and she’s going to have a baby, it’s my baby did I mention that and she kicked me out of the room and yea there’s a baby in there and it’s mine and that baby will be out of her and like here. Like my baby will be here.” Liam blurted out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno fucking breath.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m scared Tommo” Liam mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be fine lad. You and Cheryl will be great.” Louis said softening at Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be great Li” Niall yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He still babysitting you?” Liam asked Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um no, tonight he tried to take me balls off while having a kickabout.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was an accident” Niall said, walking into frame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t even kiss it and make it all better.” Louis smirked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It earned him a belly laugh from Niall and they both saw Liam relax. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I needed that” Liam said, taking a deep breath</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad my misfortune can help you, lad.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam you're gonna be a good dad. You need to relax a little.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are Karen and Geoff there?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, my mum’s in with Cheryl and her mum and dad’s in the waiting area.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Go sit with your dad for a bit and get some water or a decaf tea to calm the fuck down and relax. Then go back in and watch your son be born.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do that” Liam said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just know she will crush your hand but it’s nothing compared to their pain so just be supportive of the fact she has a baby coming out of her body.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um ew” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just pinched him and rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be fine Payno, just need to relax a little. Lad.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I can do this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can. Give your parents and Cheryl a cuddle from us and go watch your kid be born.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you mates.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Payno, good luck” Niall said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go Payno, we don’t want to hear from you until you have a picture of Freddie’s new friend.” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So helpful Tommo” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Payno” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too Tommo. Thanks boys” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hung up with Liam and grabbed their stuff and went into Louis’ since it was getting dark. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“$10 Quid he either shits himself or passes out?” Louis asked Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See I agree though, can’t bet if we both agree.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s it like?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Watching your baby be born?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe. Like take the love and excitement you had when Theo was born and that doesn't even compare. I was scared shitless obviously but as soon as I held him, nothing else mattered.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want that one day” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will” Louis said, squeezing his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They cleaned up the stray footballs and went back inside to heat up a pizza and drink some beers. Louis felt more confident with a social drink and that he was no longer trying to drown all of his feelings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You doing okay?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess so?” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay to talk about stuff” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’ve talked to my sisters more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to keep worrying” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had a rough week last week.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um yea, mostly your fault. I wouldn’t have had to deal with all my Harry feelings if it wasn’t for you” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I might have fucked that up. You talk to him?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, he’s in New York. Wouldn’t tell me why” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh right, forgot he was there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s hiding something. I still know him, something’s up with him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do but I won’t force you to tell me” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Niall said sheepishly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ever gonna let yourself love him?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking loaded question.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, can you tell me that you don’t want a fancy house with him and siblings for Fred, and be Mr. and Mr. Tomlinson?” Niall prodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t matter what I want.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does though, Tommo. It should be the thing that matters most.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni, our lives haven’t been our own since we were teenagers.” Louis gently reminded him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But we aren’t teenagers anymore. That’s why it’s different.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were kids Ni, we already had a house together after the flat and when we imploded we sold it. Don’t you know how fucking painful it was to be there without him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I helped you pick up the pieces.” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s so much shit surrounding our relationship, I’m not any more confident with telling the world I love him now than I was years ago.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought you were always the one that said whatever tabloid shit didn’t bother you.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course it bothered me. I’m have fucking feelings too.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You bounced back quick all the time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to. Had to be the big brother for all of you. Wrote shit about all of us. Think people wrote shit just to write shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how you let management get away with saying all that shit about you over the years. You were still Louis to us, but the bad party boy, not really you, mate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kept some of the shit off Haz” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never stopped trying to protect him did you?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said, shaking his head. “I mean, can you imagine all the questions and all the shit that would happen if somehow the two of us ever become Harry and Louis again?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck them” Niall said “I shouldn’t be the one tellign you that. You guys do it in your own way, it’ll break the fucking internet that’s for damn sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t ever be the same Harry and Louis that had their first date in Gema’s flat. That promised each other nothing else mattered. It’ll never be that like that again.” Louis said, downing the rest of his beer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went over and got them both another beer and plopped onto the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never denied that you don’t want a fancy house and kids with H.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t” Louis said “Also Ni, not sure you know this or not but H and I can’t exactly have kids together, no matter how hard Harry wishes he could. Know you never finished school but come on lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s other ways, don’t be a twat.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I need some of that luck of the Irish.” Louis said putting his head on Niall’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll pick you up some more next time I go home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you ever have feelings for a boy before, or anyone that you just didn’t understand?” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall sat up and turned to face Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so nervous, it’s only a question.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t, you know that I only, um. You know you’re one of me best mates and…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, you didn’t” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What no” Niall said, trying to play it off now that he knew Louis was in no way stating he had feelings for Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall, lad. I wasn’t talking about you.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that” Niall said, folding his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, I can’t...You actually…” Louis said still in hysterics </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shut up” Niall said pouting </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww don’t pout whittle Nialler” Louis said patting his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a twat” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said “Also know you’re as straight as they come.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why’d you ask.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I always thought I was straight. Still do. That’s what confuses me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe take after Harry and just not label anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like why him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh we’ve been over this years ago. Why not him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a lot.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall snorted and give Louis a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I am too.” Louis conceded  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, you guys were kids and you didn’t know how hard everything would be. And you two together should have been enough but it wasn’t and you both got hurt. If it was a “phase” or some shit like that you wouldn't still be harboring feelings for him. I believe I said to you in 2012 and I’ll tell you again. You both still look at each other like the sun shines out of each other’s arses. I don’t know why you like him or love him or found him attractive but you did and you still do. And the heart wants what the heart wants.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would’ve been easier if we just stayed mates.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You both had this undeniable chemistry together before and after your relationship. Not something you should throw away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still don’t know why there hasn’t been any other guys.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have an answer for you, other than it wasn't  liking a bloke thing but liking a Harry thing. It's no different than liking one girl and having no feelings for another.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought you worked through this part of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno. Still messes with me head sometimes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If there were no contracts you’d hid from us and you two were both single would you go out with him?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No point in asking those kinds of questions, mate.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would secretly dating him be so bad? He basically said he would.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because it destroyed us once and I don’t think I could go through that again. Did you forget the part about driving me back to Donny because I wanted me mum. It was harder on me than I let on, even on the bad days. And I don’t think I could go through that again. He says he forgives me and wants me to forgive myself, dating now would only end in us breaking up. It’s not natural to hide a relationship from the world. You heard, I’m publicly dating El again, I couldn’t put either of us through that again.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well if you ever tell me you’re marrying El I’m objecting” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought you were friends with her too?” Louis asked confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am. But you feel the same way about her as I do. Friends, you can’t force yourself to love her more than that. You won’t force yourself to eat a fucking avacado but you’ll force yourself into loving someone you don’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well when you put it that way…” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, Payno and I are just worried you’ll settle for whatever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just gave him a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won't, I promise.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what are you making me for dinner tonight?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Louis’ turn to raise his eyebrow at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m hungry” Niall shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, when aren’t you hungry? We had pizza like an hour ago.” Louis asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dinner. Hungry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soup and cheese toastie.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No fancy dinner?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re lucky I’m feeding you. Think I still got some mashed carrots from Freddie if you fancy that more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then don’t bitch about soup and toasties.” Louis said pinching him and getting up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine” Niall said, getting up to help him. “So how long do you think till Payno’s a dad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could take a half day or so. Labour isn’t always quick.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You miss him?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Freddie”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I do. He’s just a good little lad. Wish I could see him more. I miss bedtime the most I think. When I get to read to him or sing to him and he’s all cuddled up against me. Makes me feel like I’m doing something right.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww you can sing to me and rock me to sleep” Niall said. He hugged Louis and tried to wrap his leg around Louis’ waist.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis said laughing, shoving him off</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh it’s him you miss” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, you’re not terrible to have around again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So flattered Tommo” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fishing for compliments here lad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew he could always count on Niall for laugh. He would go along with whatever scheme or plan he had up his sleeve and that was no different and he was grateful for that constant. Even if he tried to push Niall away when Niall worried about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When do you see him again?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tomorrow, at least as of right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make sure you teach him Uncle Niall” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s got dad or what mostly sounds like dad so I’m fine with that.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you are” Niall said rolling his eyes and laughing. “Can I ask you something?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Depends” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay with dating Eleanor?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t matter. At least we’re friends. Better than someone I don’t know.” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’d you let Oli handle it?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s your second question mate” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just answer it”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew that they wanted something to distract me from the airport incident and then what Briana said after and I knew I wouldn't be able to bite me tongue so I told him to handle it. Nothing I said would have mattered anyway. He asked if I wanted someone new and I tried to get out of it but management said no so I asked El if she’d do it again. Her and Max broke up and she didn’t know what she wanted to do and I trust her so it made sense.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not fair to either of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well, I’m stuck for the next few years.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to keep forcing you into these emotional chats Tommo, but none of this is healthy for you to deal with while grieving.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what they are concerned about, sadly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just tell me if it gets too much?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had finished eating and Niall was deciding whether or not he should just sleep at Louis’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad, is your mansion too big and scary for you? Need me to come check for monsters under the bed?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Niall said, fake pouting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you wanna stay you can. You know that. But you don’t have to keep stalking me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Part of it was stalking you, but I also was getting lonely.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is everyone?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mully moved out, Deo’s in London and the others are either in London or back home. It’s different now, they have jobs and shit. Can’t just skip class or just come on breaks to wherever I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww poor whittle Nialler.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Surprised you don’t get lonely here when you don’t have the little lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you think Oli is always with me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you're no better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had four younger sisters, I was never alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kept you out of trouble” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah just roped them into it” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are the twins?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Which ones?” Louis asked laughing and shaking his head, he still couldn’t believe Doris and Ernie were there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both I guess. Wild, your mom had two sets of twins.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what I was most scared about when Bri told me she was pregnant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck, two little Tommos would be scary.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I could have done that.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing you give the sperm and not the eggs.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, just stop talking.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how are the little ones?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re okay. It’s hard when they ask for mummy, because they don’t fully understand it. It just breaks all of our hearts and we then have to explain it and it’s always fucking sad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was so happy when they were born.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea she hated we were all growing up, loved having babies around. We all kinda did.” Louis said “Wish I was home more for it you know. I was there for the girls but I missed so much of theirs.” Louis added, sadly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a good brother though, they know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does every fucking conversation end with you trying to convince me I’m not sucking at life?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell you as many times as you need it.” Niall said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not so bad, Horan.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you think so.” Niall deadpanned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I can be a bit moody and throw a strop. But you still stuck by me. It means a lot, lad. I know I say I’m fine but we both know I’m talking shit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always, Tommo.” Niall said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him tightly and felt some of his lingering anxiety fleeing his body. He had told Niall how he was going to be more honest with Briana tomorrow and the fears that went with it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall decided to go back to his house since he had a mini trip planned to write a few hours away. Louis showered after their kickaround and was in bed at a decent hour. He fell asleep fairly quickly. He was still exhausted, still too stressed or upset to sleep at times, but even that was getting better. He was out cold and was then startled awake by his phone ringing. He learned early on middle of the night calls were never a good thing and quickly answered it and put it to his ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘Lo?” He mumbled trying to wake up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis it’s a facetime” Heard Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno?” Louis asked “Baby okay?” still trying to wake up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, I forgot about the time difference.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis scrubbed a hand over his face and ruffled his hair out of his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m up, what’s wrong?” Louis asked, still panicking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, no Lou. Everyone’s fine. Someone just wanted to meet his Uncle Louis.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At three am? Fucking hell Payno, gave me a heart attack.” Louis said clutching his chest. “Middle of the night calls haven’t brought good news.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry Louis. I didn’t even think. I don’t think I’ve slept in over a day now…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Payno, it’s fine.” Louis said softening, now that his heart rate was calming down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um you wanna meet my son?” Liam asked, nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do.” Louis said, flipping the lamp on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad, meet you’re Uncle Tommo.” Liam said changing the camera to face his son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam he’s perfect” Louis gushed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea?” Liam asked, watery </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course lad.” Louis said smiling. As much as he and Liam messed around, Liam was one of his best friends and the first to become a father. Liam knew a lot of the inner workings of Louis’ brain that he guarded from most people, learned it from all the songs they wrote together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi lad” Louis said quietly so he didn’t startle the baby </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a dad” Liam said, he picked up his son with one arm and flipped the facetime back to their faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are lad, congratulations.” Louis said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted you to see him first, before I sent a picture to Haz and Nialler.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno” Louis said, genuinely touched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis watched as Liam got his son situated since he didn’t take too kindly to being picked up. He just smiled seeing his friend being a dad. As much as he gave Liam a hard time, he knew Liam would be a good dad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheryl fed him and then she went to sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve just stared at him, to make sure he’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you did.” Louis teased. “You need to sleep too Li. Trust me, you’ll need it.” Louis joked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just still can’t wrap my head around how this little person is mine.” Liam said, feeling himself get emotional  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what you mean.” Louis said “Payno, come on, don’t do that. You know it’ll get me emotional too.” Louis said, sniffling as he saw the tears in Liam’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s actually here, Tommo.” Liam said, wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see that, he’s pretty cute. Must not take after you.” Louis said, smirking, wiping his too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just glared at him and then started to laugh. The baby snug in Liam’s arm moved around and made noise, agreeing with Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now that’s a good lad right there.” Louis said laughing and sitting up better against his pillows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you corrupted my son before he even has a name yet.” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The lad needs a name Liam. It’s like the first job as a parent. Do I need to give you a list of things to do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well they had him away for a little, he had a hard time clearing all the fluids out of his lungs so we weren’t with him for a little. And then Cheryl hated everything that we had thought of before. And she didn’t like anything I suggested so we’re waiting.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Telling you, Louis is a great name.” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheryl said no.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well what does she know” Louis said, fake rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for answering Lou.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for giving me a heart attack.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was too excited” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know lad. He seems perfect, I’m so happy for you.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t believe we’re dads.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s mad, think our lads will get up to as much trouble?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re left with them, yes.” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remind me to bring him a water gun when I meet him.” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was content with just watching Liam and his son and Liam felt safe with Louis on the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got this Payno.” Louis said warmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew that sometimes Liam needed reassurance and he would do anything for Liam. Liam knew that Louis knew how nervous he actually was and that sometimes just talking to Louis calmed him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Louis.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get some sleep lad, you’re gonna need it when you go home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go back to sleep. I just needed to tell you. And I didn't pass out in the delivery room.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so proud of you Payno. You’re all grown up.” Louis said yawning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Li.” Louis said hanging up and quickly falling asleep, glad something good finally happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next day Louis knocked on Briana’s door and took a deep breath. He was spending time with Freddie at her house and was going to have lunch with both of them before taking him for the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi” Louis said as she answered the door, handing her a coffee as a peace offering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, come on in. Oh thanks” She said taking it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I’m a little early, I wanted to talk to you before Fred wakes up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was debating whether or not to tell her more. He had discussed it with his mum before she passed away and she thought it would be a good thing. It’s just taken him some time to figure out how to word it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, come sit”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I just I know this is awkward but I need you to sign this. It’s just a general NDA.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you serious?” She asked, staring at him as he handed her the folder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, to be able to explain thing to you. Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” She said reading through it before signing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So talk” She said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want us to be able to be friends. We owe it to Freddie. None of our issues are his fault. And he deserves us to be able to communicate and work together. I never want to be my biological father, you know that. I also know how it feels when one parent isn’t around as much. Mark was my dad essentially and between the divorce and me leaving right after for x-factor, we weren’t as close. And I know that I can’t always be here but I never want Freddie to feel like I abandoned him or didn’t want to be in his life. I hate how much I missed this last year but I also needed to be with my mum and I knew Freddie was safe and taken care of. But me mum wasn’t.” Louis said voice catching. “What I’m trying to say is, I want to be in his life more than a few days here and there for some hours. And as his mum you should want me in his life too.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped his palms on his jeans and took a deep breath. He couldn’t read her expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I resented the fact that you still got to go live your life and I was the one that was stuck pregnant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I couldn’t just abadonon the boys on tour. I’m sorry the condom broke. If I had any idea I would have stopped immediately.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who would have thought” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That one small rip could cause a whole person” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know?” Louis asked surprised </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought so at the time but I figured we’d be fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew and just never said anything?” Louis asked shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured everything would have been fine!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt like he was going to explode, but to be honest he wouldn’t trade Freddie for anything so he figured there was no use in starting an argument. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I also want you to know I only ever wanted to protect you and him, it’s why I didn’t want to say anything publicly and then it got out and there was a shitshow that followed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought it was the only way to get your attention about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you kidding me? I texted you or talked to you everyday after you told me you were pregnant. There was no reason to make it public knowledge.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know people were going to hate me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could have told you that.” Louis said rolling his eyes “And you didn’t exactly help anything at first either. But it’s all done with now, it was a year and a half ago.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have trusted you when you said you’d be there. I’m sorry about that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, shocked she apologized to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As soon as you told me you were pregnant and it was mine, I never questioned whether or not I wanted to be involved. I always wanted kids, always wanted to be a dad. I would never have left him. You and I wouldn’t have worked out Bri. Come on we both knew it wasn’t serious. There’d only been three before you it wasn’t like I was sleeping me way around the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew it wasn’t serious and I thought that maybe you would like me after but then you didn’t show any more interest other than friends and it hurt. You were photographed with another girl before I even told you I was pregnant. My mom was a single mom too for a while and I didn’t want to do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The festival, I know. But I didn’t know at that point, we weren’t together. I didn’t do anything wrong. And I told you, I would have gladly taken full custody.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He needed me just as much as he needed you.” Briana snapped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and that’s why I only ever said it once.” Louis said “But we do need to be able to get along better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I also need you to stop believing everything you see online. It’s not who I am and I’ve tried to tell you that since the beginning. I’m not some dickhead party boy, at least not most of the time. You not believing me about the airport incident really hurt and what you said after. And you thought I couldn’t take care of Freddie when he was sick. I’m his dad, I was more than capable.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the airport?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were arguing when I landed. It was late, I was tired. My sisters were annoyed I wasn’t coming home for mums birthday and it was all too much. I asked him to back up, told the airline and nothing was done. I know I have a rocky history with the paps but this honestly wasn’t provoked by me. Maybe I should have let it keep happening but I’d had it. The shit he was saying to me beforehand wasn’t the nicest and I tried too keep me cool but then he started throwing around how Freddie wasn’t mine and that was it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Briana said looking away </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what I needed you to sign the NDA for. Half of my life is wrapped up in contracts without me having a say. And it hurts, I see the shit online and it’s not true. And that’s part of why I wanted to keep Freddie out of it all before he was born. It started right after it leaked and there wasn’t anything I could do. It didn’t matter that I was his father and we slept together. People either thought it was all fake or that I was just irresponsible and stereotypical to get a fling pregnant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never said either way, are those rumors true? With you and Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bri” Louis groaned</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I signed the NDA just fucking tell me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis paused for a minute before he nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat there shocked and Louis felt his face go red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How...How long?” She finally asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Two years and then another half year off and on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, so probably should go without saying, but like you can’t talk about it at all with anyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t say anything. My career, my sisters and brother’s well being and Freddie’s well being; for all of that you can’t say anything to anyone. Trust me on that, please.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just that Freddie wouldn’t be as well taken care of if I fuck up and it all gets out. Some of the things online are true, about my career being over and losing everything for breaching a contract when I was eighteen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Briana said shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a lot you don’t know and maybe I should have shared some of it but it’s not easy, okay.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” She said, nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He had a crush on me from the early days, I didn’t even realize I was flirting with him. The theories started before we even started dating, so I probably fuelled it without ever knowing. Then me mum and Eleanor both asked if I had feelings for him and I had been trying to tell myself I didn’t but then that made it real. El and I broke up and then it took me another month or so before I told Harry and then we started dating March of 2012.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” Briana asked hesitantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It got to be too much, we both got hurt in the end.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could tell Briana was shocked by what he said. He also felt like she was being genuine with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It um, we thought that as long as we had each other everything would be fine but management used us against each other, and it just got ugly and I just wanted to protect him from it. I hurt him in the end, all while trying my hardest to not hurt him. It um, it was me in the end who hurt them and management got exactly what they wanted.” Louis said looking away </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even. That’s. I’m sorry Louis” She said honestly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, sniffling. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We ended things again in December 0f 2014. Neither of us were in a good place. I was going out too much and I was a mess. Zayn leaving brought us back to at least being friends but starting in 2015 it was the first time I was single publicly and privately. I had asked El to still publicly be my girlfriend and it worked for a time but I just needed it all to stop so they finally wrote the breakup. And then I met you right after Zayn left and I was worried about the band, and what was happening. I usually didn’t do well with being alone and I was single and it led to us. I’m sorry if you got hurt, but I was still working out my life and I shouldn’t have brought anyone else into it. I felt like I really sorted myself out with the last album and then you told me you were pregnant and the hiatus was announced. It was a lot of change that I wasn’t able to deal with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had no idea” Briana said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry was the heartthrob, Niall was the cute happy one, Payno was the responsible one and I was the one that didn’t give a shit about anything. It didn’t start out as that, it’s just where management took it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t have a say in what was written?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just laughed and shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s awful” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s why I didn’t want to talk about you and the baby in the media. I wanted that separation between my private life and worklife and we’d all seen all the conspiracies online and after it was leaked the things said about me and the baby it was bad. And I just wanted to protect him from that. He doesn't deserve it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me then?” Briana asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was angry at what was happening, I didn’t want the break or change and everything was changing and I’m sorry, I felt like I couldn’t trust you.” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t know, it’s okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was still a bitch to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were pregnant, you were allowed to be moody” Louis said lightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we can maybe try thing co-parenting thing over again?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This conversation went as well as he could’ve hoped and he was grateful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no problem with Harry being around Freddie, if there’s still any unresolved feelings.” She said smirking at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not gonna happen. We’re just friends right now. It’s all I can handle. Because of um, the whole contract shit. I will publicly be dating Eleanor again. Please don’t be mad about it. I’ll be more respectful of Freddie with others this time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not my choice” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They can do that?” She asked, shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said, nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um. Yea that’s fine.” Briana said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their conversation was cut short when they heard Freddie over the monitor that he was up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get him?” Louis asked smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Briana nodded and she got up to make lunch and Louis went to surprise Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was holding onto the crib, standing, and yelled a version of daddy when he saw Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Freddie” Louis said, picking him up for a cuddle. “Missed you, lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got him changed and brushed his matted hair out of his face and they met Briana in the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think us being friends is gonna be good for him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We do need to do better. You were right. I’m sorry” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and got Freddie situated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had finished their lunch and were talking and entertaining Freddie when Louis’ phone rang. He silenced it when it rang again and along with a text. He had moved Freddie over to wash him up and asked Briana what the caller ID said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just says H” She said bringing it over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It started to ring again and Louis mumbled shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’s important?” She said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mind?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’ll finish him up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis swapped Freddie for his phone and dried his hands. He went out to the patio and finally answered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Harry?” Louis asked, thinking he was still in New York </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, hey. I hate…” Harry said before cutting himself off sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, what’s wrong?” Louis asked, starting to worry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we try the whole friends thing. I need a friend, I need you” Harry said, voice cracking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry what happened? Are you hurt, where are you?” Louis asked, now very worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m back at my house in LA, I don’t want to talk about it on the phone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? I don’t think I’m far, I’m at Bri’s with her and Fred.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh um, nevermind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, H. Text me the address, I um haven’t been to your new house.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh right” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re scaring me” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay. I, please just come over if you can” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had a million things running threw his heard about why Harry would be so upset calling but he knew he had to get over there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I have Freddie tonight but I’ll come now and then we can always just go back to my house tonight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said, sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, Haz.” Louis said, still worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hung up with Harry and stuffed his feet into his vans and grabbed his wallet from the table. Briana had taken Freddie into the other room to play. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, um. I have to go. But I’ll pick him up later for the night. Just text me what time you need to leave and I’ll come back. He has plenty of stuff at my house so you don’t have to pack.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis what was wrong, you look really pale.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who was it?” She asked walking over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H as in Harry?” She asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t, please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, he sounded upset. Go. I’ll text you what time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” He said, hugging her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were surprised that Louis hugged her but he shrugged it off and went to give Freddie a hug and kiss and tell him he’d see him later. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Harry finally tells Louis some big news and Louis has to decide whether or not to walk away.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for all the support, please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis quickly got into his Range Rover and plugged in the address that Harry had texted him. He had no idea what could have Harry so upset. He seemed fine when he had seen him the week before. He never panicked this much with a new album soon to release but Louis was at a loss for what would have Harry calling him crying. He was at the gate before he even knew it and punched in the code and then found Harry’s house. There was a car that Louis recognized as Harry’s and one he didn’t. He parked and wiped his hands on his jeans and went up the walkway. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He hadn’t talked to Harry since before Harry had gone to New York. He wasn’t sure he was going to be able to handle whatever drama Harry had going on in his life since clearly it was big.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeff answered the door which only made Louis more confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, hi” Jeff said, holding out his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shook it and Jeff must have been able to tell Louis was confused as to why they both were there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry needs a friend right now, said he could count on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no idea why you’re here, do you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sorry” Louis said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought he told all of his old band already.” Jeff said, motioning for Louis to follow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait Jeff, is he alright, like what’s wrong?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’ll tell you himself. Or at least now he has to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if you keep up on us but I’m not the best person to have some kind of crisis with right now.” Louis said. He very much felt like he was out of his element. There was a time where if Harry was upset, Louis knew what to do. He was the only one that could calm him down, but Louis was realistic and knew that they were far from that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. He needs you right now.” Jeff said kindly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” Louis said, still not convinced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went up the stairs and were outside of a door Louis could only assume was Harry’s bedroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, Louis’ here. We’re gonna come in.” Jeff said, opening the door. Louis took a deep breath and was definitely not prepared for the sight of Harry slumped against the headboard of his bed, hugging a pillow, tears streaming down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s already yelled and screamed so you should be alright from that.” Jeff said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, I’m gonna go. Let you talk to Louis. Just call me if you need me.” Jeff said, he tried to hug Harry but Harry shrugged him off. Louis knew something must really be wrong if Harry didn’t want a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis waited until he heard Jeff leave before he walked over to the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, H.” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Harry said, pushing his hair back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? Are you ill?” Louis asked, still worried </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I have to tell you something. I should have told you sooner. Can you um, please sit.” Harry said flipping back the blankets. Louis just shrugged and toed off his sneakers and got in up at the headboard next to Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was their thing, any big conversation always happened with them cuddled in bed under the blankets. It gave them a sense of security and safety when they were younger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t be mad. I um, I told Liam and Niall already.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you pregnant? Did it finally happen?” Louis asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This seemed like a nervous, emotional situation so Louis dealt with it like he always did, with sarcastic humor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry let out a small watery laugh before he shook his head no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry? You’re scaring me.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry turned to face Louis and Louis knew whatever Harry was going to tell him was going to break his heart judging from Harry’s expression. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Um, so.” Harry started before he started to cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, H. Look at me please” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis found Harry’s hand and took it in his, hoping Harry didn’t comment on how clammy it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whenever you’re ready” Louis said, eyes not leaving Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s about Robin.” Harry said, quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His, he’s. Um. His cancer’s back.” Harry finally managed to get out. Voice almost nonexistent in the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, Harry” Louis said, hugging him quickly and tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A thousand thoughts ran through Louis’ mind and none of them were good. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to get himself through the next few months, let alone Harry as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He um, they can’t do anything for him.” Harry said, eyes filling up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis knew the definition of terminal all too well, he hated that word and he knew there was absolutely nothing he could say or do that would make Harry feel better. He was hugging Harry as tight as his body would allow him, he felt his own tears forming and tried to get rid of them. Robin was always supportive of not only their career but them individually and especially Harry and Louis’ relationship. Louis always loved Robin and Anne as if they were his own parents. He saw that not long before he left to come back to LA and he didn’t remember noticing anything different about Robin. Louis just held him and let him cry, while trying to hide his own emotions. Louis knew Harry would understand but now Louis felt like he needed to be strong for Harry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How um, how long?” Louis asked, finally finding words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We um, we found out right before Christmas. It’s the same as it was years ago but even with proper check ups. I don’t know. He’s…” Harry said trailing off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just hugged him tighter, Harry didn’t need to finish the sentence to know what Harry would say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry Harry” Louis said, heart breaking with every word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated that phrase and hated when people said it to him so he just shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“New York was the last option. It’s why I flew out. He went to doctors at home and I asked him to go here and then New York. He said he would then decide and we would all need to respect that decision. But the doctors all pretty much said the same thing, differed by a few months or summat but all had the same fucking outcome.  Him and mum called me earlier and said he decided to continue treatment in England, but they know it won’t work.” Harry said, voice full of emotion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wasn’t going to give him the he’s a fighter speech or it’ll be okay because he knows first hand that’s not how it works. Robin’s body failed him and science failed Robin. That was that. Louis was quickly learning how hard it is to find words when being told something like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How um, how’s he doing, how’s your mum and siblings?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew how close they all were. Harry had Gemma and his step-siblings but Robin always considered them all his kids. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re okay. They said they have each other and us and Robin said he’s glad I took him around the world and they are okay with it. How the fuck are they okay with it?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know love. I don’t know.” Louis said, he shifted as Harry fought against him and hugged him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was getting worked up again and so Louis shifted them around so Harry’s head was on his chest. Louis rubbed his back and ran his fingers in his hair. It always used to calm him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you all need, I’m here Haz. I’ll do me best.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Harry’s arms tighter around his stomach so Louis held him tighter too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want him to die.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t.” Louis said “When do you go back home?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeff’s working things around now” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he at home?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. Only goes in for treatment right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going home after Ultra. Could I maybe go visit?” Louis asked nervously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “He’d like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, don’t be mad at mum for not telling you. I asked her not to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Haz, I’d never. But you should’ve told me sooner.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t Lou. You were heartbroken enough. We found out right before your mum passed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you were still there for me the whole time?” Louis asked, shocked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knew you needed support. Your mum knew, when they went to see her they told her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know what to say. Harry was with him when he was losing his mum while his own step-dad faced the same fate. Louis didn’t know how or why Harry did that but Louis promised himself he’d be there for Harry no matter what. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s shit H, but I’m so sorry Robin and all of you are going through this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” He mumbled into Louis’ shoulder. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How are you?” Louis said, still running his hands up Harry’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin doesn't want it out and I’m trying to get out of all the work shit but he called Jeff and told him not to reschedule it. He’s so proud and I don’t even know if he’s gonna make it to the debut. It’s what he tells people he’s waiting for. He already has as many copies as he wants but he’s waiting for it and I don’t know why. Like wait longer than that.” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was starting to get agitated so Louis flipped him around and laid a hand on Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I talked to me mum about it, like how she felt about it. She was always calmer than I was dealing with it. But she told me that you come to accept it and enjoy the time with the people you love. She, um, she wasn’t scared.” Louis said stopping as he started to lose control of his emotions. “Sorry” Louis said wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said she was at peace with it, that she knew we all loved her and she loved us and that we’d all take care of each other. She wasn’t scared and she said that’s all that mattered to her.” Louis said, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Harry said</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It um, it sucks H, to see them this way and watch them suffer and I don’t know what to say to make you feel better.” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always, you know that. Even if we hadn’t talked last week. You needed me, I’ll always be there.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him again and gently kissed the top of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When was the last time you ate, love?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t eaten much since I went to New York.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t I heat something for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just looked at him and Louis rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go wash your face and take a breather and I’ll go heat you something. Jeff said you had food.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. Now go.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry got out of bed and Louis quickly shot a very strongly worded text to Niall for not telling him and went to sort out some food for Harry. Louis wasn’t sure he could do this and be there for Harry but he’d do his best. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made his way into Harry’s kitchen and probably opened every cabinet until he found the tea and soup. He started the kettle and put the soup into a pot to heat it and heated some bread for Harry. He understood not wanting to eat, to not have the energy. He now also knew why people made food when people were sick, it made them feel useful and helpful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took out two mugs for them and a bowl for the soup. The soup started to boil and some landed on his hand. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ow, fuck” Louis yelled, getting it off the burner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou” Harry asked, walking into the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hair was pushed back with a headband he honestly no longer needed and he looked a little better then when Louis first walked in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine. Sit down” Louis said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The kettle whistled and Louis poured them each a mug. And when the toast popped he placed it on the plate next to the bowl of soup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want anything?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thank you, I ate with Bre and Fred right before I came over.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sipped his tea, he was surprised Harry had his favorite, it was never Harry’s favorite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had Yorkshire?” He finally asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I finally get you hooked on it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s um, it’s comforting after all this time. Still never get it quite as strong as you do, though. But it feels like home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know what to say so he just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, eat up” Louis said defusing the awkwardness </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t wanna burn my tongue, you boiled it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh whatever” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry finally started sipping his soup and admitted it was tasty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, I’m not useless in the kitchen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How's your hand?” Harry asked, giving him a slight smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eat your damn soup.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in a comfortable silence and Louis was grateful for his mug of tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming over. I know you gave up time with Freddie. I just, there wasn’t anyone else I was comfortable with talking to and Jeff was annoying me even though he meant well.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. As soon as I heard you I knew something was wrong. Just wish you told me sooner.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. I did the same thing with mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just knew how much you were hurting, I couldn't add to that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Is there anyone else you need me to tell?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um just your sisters. Liam said he’d tell Zayn, said he should know too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just snorted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who would have thought him leaving would have brought us closer together again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still can’t wrap me head around the last few years.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me either” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell the girls and me grandparents when I go home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They both know, just your sisters.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you just fucking tweet it out.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Harry said, curling in on himself </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. I did the same thing to you. I’m still just snappy. I’m sorry.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understood more than you thought I did, why I let you yell at me whenever at the hospital and stuff. I don’t know if I just want to cry or punch something or just go hide away on an island somewhere.” Harry admitted</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of those are understandable reactions.” Louis said gently “I’m sorry I took some of my anger and shit out on you. You didn’t deserve it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understood better than I let on. Knew you needed to get it out and didn’t think Lotts needed it. I know it wasn’t towards me.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I said last week, we can have anything we want in our fucking hands but what matters most we still don’t have control over.” Louis said shaking his head sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sucks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry swirled the soup around in the bowel before Louis gave him a look to eat more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry Lou, you actually did pretty good with it though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to eat something, at least it’s what everyone’s been telling me for months.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yea, you drop shit tons of weight when you’re stressed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do you” Louis said, folding his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shoved a mouthful in and smiled at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twat” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a little, neither of them needing to communicate when Harry finally asked a question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you just randomly cry like out of no where?” Harry asked, playing with the rings on his fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you send your body double last week instead of yourself? Couldn’t stop crying me eyes out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I know but I meant before, you know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, everytime I walked into her hospital room I wanted to cry. Wanted to just crawl into bed next to her and pull the blankets up and have her tell me everything would be okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum’s being so strong, I feel like I can’t show how I feel.” Harry admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, hey. Haz” Louis said. He gently put a hand on Harry’s arm and squeezed lightly. Harry just looked up, tears clinging to his lashes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I’ve learned anything it’s that everyone handles it differently. And I know it seems stupid coming from me considering, but you and Gems and your mum and step-siblings aren’t going to handle it the same way. It’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum’s just been literally doing everything and acting like things are fine. And I don’t know how to tell her I’m not.” Harry admitted, pushing more soup around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not above making your spoon an airplane like I do for Freddie. Fatherhood leaves you with no shame once you’ve been pooed on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took another spoon and tried to mask his laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you need to talk to her. Lottie and I handled it differently at first and it took us arguing to finally sit down and talk about. Same thing with Fizz last week. She’s your mum H, just talk to her.” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He downed the rest of his tea. He knew all the right things to say but he also knew Harry was stubborn like him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what else can I do for you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Just being here made me feel better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said, he felt awkward again. This was another situation in which he couldn’t protect Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um after mum and Robin called and explained what they were doing next, I called Jeff upset and told him to start rearranging things and he came over. I don’t know, he was just annoying me and he said maybe to call a friend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you called.” Louis said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall’s away, Liam’s obviously in London. Didn’t really trust anyone else with this.” Harry said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I’ll always be there for you.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said sniffling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said standing up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited for Harry to move before he opened his arms up and Harry instantly folded himself into Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay to cry it out.” Louis mumbled into Harry’s shoulder, so Harry did just that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could tell you it’ll all be okay” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you can’t” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re far too young for this shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry gave him a small laugh and nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What else can I do for you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stay?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can till I pick up Fred in a little over an hour. Then why don’t you come back to my place tonight.” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s um fine” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you’re coming over. You shouldn’t be by yourself right now.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you can cuddle Cliff all night” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well if Cliff insists” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pack a bag, we can watch whatever movie you want tonight.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I’m sure” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure at all, but he knew he wasn’t going to leave Harry like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went up to pack and bag and Louis cleaned up the bowl and mugs and Harry came back and drug him up stairs with him for a cuddle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling now?” Louis asked, rubbing Harry’s back gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little better. I don’t want to punch everything or throw up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, baby steps.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hated that feeling, when you just don’t know what to do with yourself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s phone started to ring and Louis handed it to him from the night table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi mum” Harry said as soon as Anne came into view. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby there you are. You can’t just ignore my calls. We were worried.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I just needed time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? Are you by yourself?” Anne asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry handed the phone to Louis so Anne could see him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Anne” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling I’m glad you’re with him.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, he told me everything today.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good he finally told you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need anything, I’ll be back in less than a week.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No we’re okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could I come for a visit and see you all?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course just let me know when” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta get going, H.” Louis said to Harry, handing him the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Anne. Give Robin a cuddle for me. I have to go pick up Fred.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They said their goodbyes and Harry hung up while Louis put his shoes back on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, we’ll get food delivered and just watch a movie or something. You mum’s right, you shouldn’t be alone.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always, I hope you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meet me there is like thirty?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him tightly again and drove off towards Briana’s to get Freddie. He called Niall at a red light and luckily he picked up so Louis could yell at him over bluetooth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking dickhead, you should have told me” Louis said as soon as Niall answered  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Tommo, I’m fine how’s your day” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall what the fuck?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall knew this would happen when Harry finally told him and he and Liam were taking bets on who Louis would chew out first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, he made us promise. Not any different than you did.” Niall said reasonably. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s different because it’s sweet, innocent Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen to yourself, you’re letting your feelings get in the way of your friendship.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, no I’m not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what it’s like. You should have warned me.” Louis said, fight deflating in him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s why Harry wanted to protect you. He couldn’t very well tell you when he found out and then you’ve been struggling, Louis. He wasn’t going to hurt you more. You should know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s all just shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is” Niall said, agreeing with him “It sucks for all of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t protect him from this.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not anymore than he could protect you from it.” Niall said “You okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who the fuck knows. I’m going to pick up Freddie and then he’s staying over tonight. He um called while I was over with Bri and Freddie. I’ve never seen him like that. Just….” Louis said, he needed to stop talking. He was driving and he couldn’t let his emotions get in the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here. Sorry.” Louis said, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can come back if you both need me too.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. I got him” Louis said “Just never seen him that unconsolable before, like something in him changed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you weren’t any different.” Niall said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking sucks.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, it’s all shit and neither of you deserve to go through it. No one does.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for letting me bitch” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never actually let you, you just do it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck off” Louis said, finally giving him a small laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Lou. Give Haz and Freddie a cuddle for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will. Love you too, lad.” Louis said hanging up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He quickly got to the house and rang the bell again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Briana was at the door, half hair done, holding what looked to be a moody Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey lad.” Louis said quickly taking him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank God, he threw a fit when I wouldn’t let him pull my hair” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It um, looks great” Louis said, trying to be supportive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not done” Briana deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh good” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I packed him a small bag, I know you know what you're doing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, this was a good step for them. “Have fun” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I plan too. Was everything okay with that phone call?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, not really. But um can’t talk about it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course” Briana said rolling her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright well I’ll get out of your way then. Give mummy a hug” Louis said, quickly leaning Freddie back to Briana </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>They said their goodbyes and Louis got Freddie into his car seat and he babbled away as they drove back to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If, If” Freddie yelled from the back seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea Freddie, Cliff will be happy to see you.” Louis said smiling </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He saw Harry’s car already there and quickly parked and got Freddie out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have your new friend here tonight too, you remember Harry” Louis said tickling Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry walked over and took the small bag from Louis, Louis just gave him a confused look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something in Louis made his stomach do a flip flop because it was such a simple and domestic gesture, but one he wouldn’t mind having more of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got them all in and let Cliff out while Freddie toddled around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you holding up?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno really” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, it might not all be okay. But it’ll be okay in way.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just looked at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like, it all sucks and it’s all shit right now and it will be after you know but I’m starting to understand what mum meant, like we can’t all give up too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded and went outside to throw a ball with Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry might need some extra cuddles today, lad.” Louis said picking Freddie up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat on the floor and was building with Freddie and his blocks and gave Harry some space with Cliff. Harry and Cliff came in a little later and Freddie immediately ditched him for Cliff all why running as fast as his little baby legs let him. Harry sat next to Louis on the floor and grabbed a few blocks to help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew what he meant and maybe they weren’t so out of sync as Louis had thought. Maybe they still knew what the other needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cliff and Freddie came back and Freddie was passing blocks back and fourth between Freddie and Harry and Cliff was at Harry’s side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie could I please have another block?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis noted how Harry now had a small smile on his face and how politely he asked Freddie. He hoped Freddie could be as polite as Harry. Freddie just looked at Louis who nodded. Freddie looked at the blocks in his hands and gave one to Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say you’re welcome” Louis said to Freddie</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie babbled and continued pulling out more toys. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think play time was easier when he wasn’t strong enough to dump all the toys out.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not unlike you and your suitcase no matter what hotel we were in?” Harry asked, nudging his shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was different” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Usually needed the shirt on the bottom” Louis said, he looked at Harry like it was the simplest answer ever. They both started to laugh and Freddie joined in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie moved on to banging on his toy drums and Louis decided to send Josh another strongly worded text with a video and Josh sent back that Freddie was improving and could teach Louis a thing or two. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he’s the next big thing?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God I hope not. He can have a quiet and simple life as a math teacher or accountant or some other boring ass job that won’t control his whole life.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gonna keep him out of it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be his decision and no matter what I’ll support him but do I want to see him get hurt and have people talk shit about him the way people did to us just because they could? Hell no.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s lucky to have you as a dad” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, lot of people would disagree with that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he is. You’ll always support whatever he wants to do and you’ll always love him. He’s lucky to have that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, what do you think we show Harry your new tricks?” Louis asked as Freddie crawled over to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not a dog, Lou” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he still’s got tricks, right lad?” Louis asked tickling him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just laughed and leave it to Louis to compare his kid to his dog just because he learned new things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Freddie, can you show me your nose?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie put a little palm to the middle of his face, and Harry clapped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you show me your belly?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie poked his own tummy and giggled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about your hands?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie put one hand on Louis’ leg and the other on Harry’s and then looked at both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good job Freddie” Harry clapped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So good, lad.” Louis said hugging him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little genius” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper little genius” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie sat, settling into Louis lap </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea Fred” Louis said, waiting to see what he’d do next. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie babbled and handed him a ball he had been holding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said taking it from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always wonder what’s going on in his head, and Cliffs” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what Niall always said about you” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It would be helpful” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie said again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Freddie?” Louis asked, turning him around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada, dada” Freddie kept saying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie started to have a frown and Louis had no idea what he needed. He checked his nappy which was fine and handed him some blocks which he decidedly did not want. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Louis asked picking him up now that he was getting cranky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Time’s it Haz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After six” Harry said, looking at his watch </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, he’s hungry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt all the color drain out of his face, this was the first Freddie tried to utter a curse work and Louis knew he was done for now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um yea we’re sitting on the floor.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was trying to muffle a laugh but quickly lost out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie dropped his ball and Cliff batted it out of the way. “Sit” Freddie yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no” Louis said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be in trouble” Harry said in a sing song voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The ball is sitting on the ground, good job Freddie.” Louis said, hoping to distract him, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s fed him and distract him from the actual word” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Harry agreed to order sushi and rice and he heated up some food for Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was feeding Freddie when the bell rang, he went to move for the door when Harry stood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Haz, you can’t be here” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry” Harry said getting out of view of the door </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it tonight, please” Harry said handing Louis cash.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis figured they could argue later and went to retrieve their food. He walked back in with the bags and saw Harry feeding Freddie, airplane noises and all. He stood and watched for a second. Something else that was so simple and normal that made the same chest constricting feeling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dished out their food and fed Freddie some rice, which he seemed to like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you wanting sushi is very LA of you, did you instagram it too?” Harry teased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fu….forgot to” Louis said, now keenly aware Freddie was picking up what he was saying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not what you were gonna say” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a deadman” Louis said nodding “And don’t mock me wanting sushi, you’re more LA than any of us. I’ll be in Donny most of the time and they very much don’t have sushi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just teasing, Lou” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped his chopsticks and Freddie said “sit” once again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, they are sitting on the floor.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think the genius is smarter than you” Harry said to Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and kept eating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wasn’t expecting that so soon” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well at least everyone will think he just really likes to sit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And anyone that knows me will know what he’s actually saying.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we can’t all be perfect.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully that’s all he picked up.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you like your rice?” Harry asked Freddie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie just babbled and banged his spoon on the tray of his chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are quite noisy today lad.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, have you met yourself.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea. We get it, I’m loud” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still not over that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never” Louis stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do babies get so messy when they eat?” Harry asked, looking at Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh I let him go, it’s bath night anyway” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well don’t let me interrupt anything. I can clean up dinner.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, that would be a huge help. If you’re not up for it, it’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s fine” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and got Freddie to take him up for a bath. He started the water and put him in the tub and let him splash a little. He heard a knock on the door and turned around and saw Harry standing there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can come in” Louis said, always leaving one eye on Freddie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He looks adorable with a bubble beard.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He likes it, always have to make sure it doesn’t go in his eyes and mouth though” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie continued to splash around and Harry and Louis just quietly watched. When he started to look tired, Louis finished up and he went to get the towel and Freddie’s dressing gown but Harry was already holding both for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said taking the towel, fingers brushing with Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All done” Louis said wrapping Freddie up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wrapped the towel around him and quickly got a nappy on to avoid any accidents and plopped a kiss onto his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All clean” Louis said to Freddie. Louis got him in his dressing gown and motioned for Harry to follow him to Freddie’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby sized things are much cuter than adult sized things.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Especially for those over six feet.” Louis said smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heyyy” Harry drawled out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was dressing Freddie when he started to laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, you know daddy’s funny” Louis said to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had fully dried Freddie off and got the lotion on him and then put him into some pajamas with monkeys on them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My little monkey” Louis said turning Freddie Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very adorable” Harry said. He knew he had that intense stare on his face that Niall said creeped him out since he only ever looked at Louis that way but Harry couldn’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bottle time and then sleepy time, lad” Louis said to Freddie. “Want a tea?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, thanks” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis made the bottle and got the kettle sorted for their teas. Once everything was ready Harry carried both mugs into the family room and Louis got settled with Freddie and Harry handed him his tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, he’ll spill it, just put it on the table, please” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis grabbed Freddie’s blanket and draped it over his back and got another one for his and Harry’s legs. They both had their backs to the arm rests and Harry’s legs encroached much further onto Louis’ side than Louis’ legs did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Giant” Louis said nudging Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shorty” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’not short” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course your not Lou” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just pouted and then Freddie had a hand on Louis’ face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, lad. We don’t hit people in the face” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie snuffled and got himself comfy before Louis started giving him his bottle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna miss this the most I think. Bri’s trying to stop it but I don’t want to.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Half asleep babies are quite cute” Harry said smirking at the two of them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s always cuddly and I told Niall it makes me feel useful.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did that make Niall jealous?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually yes” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I hold him when you’re done?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually I need a wee, wanna keep feeding him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course” Harry said happily, his eyes getting a light back into them that Louis hadn’t seen all day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Louis made the successful transfer, Harry lightly grabbed onto his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d never make you chose, me or him. It’s always him Lou, I know that. Just maybe if you could find room in your life for me too.” Harry said shyly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and squeezed Harry’s hand that wasn’t tucked around his son. He went off to wee and changed into some joggers, happy to get out of his jeans. They weren’t quite as tight as they used to be but still got uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s he doing?” Louis asked coming back to sit next to them. He felt a lot better with comfy pants and an empty bladder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect” Harry gushed “Babbles quite a bit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does. Did since he was born. Mum said I was also noisy, especially when she wanted to sleep or was studying for her midwife stuff.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not surprising” Harry said, laughing lightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what do you want to watch tonight? I think Mickey Mouse is still queued up from earlier in the week but I’m sure we can find something else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I quite like Mickey” Harry laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shrugged and put it on for background noise. Instead it woke Freddie out of his milk drunk state and Louis quickly lowered it. He started to get fussy so Louis took him back while he finished his bottle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see why you want to hold him all the time” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes you feel safe” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does, full of hope for this tiny person.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes me want to do a good job for him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are” Harry said, leaving no room for Louis to argue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was some rom com on that they both found funny so they decided to leave it and Freddie quickly fell asleep in Louis’ arms. Louis and Harry both laughed and it started Freddie who made a few noises like he was being inconvenienced. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, sorry lad. Didn’t mean to wake you up” Louis said, kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is waking him up as rough as waking you up used to be?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I try not to wake him up but he is more of a morning person than I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well at least he isn’t as cranky” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not cranky, I just don’t like being woken up” Louis pouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry do you prefer difficult, moody, downright miserable?” Harry asked, smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me go put him to bed, he should stay asleep through his nappy change so it shouldn’t take long.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned Freddie down so Harry could give Freddie a hug and kiss and Harry rubbed his little head after he gave him a quick kiss. He knew this shouldn't have been so easy, that him and Harry with Freddie at bedtime shouldn’t make sense but it does and Louis hated how easy it was, how normal it seemed and how much he actually wanted it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis quickly got Freddie ready for bed, all while not waking him and it made him feel like a proper dad. He got Freddie into his crib with his stuffed dog and got out without ever even disturbing Freddie. He saw Harry, now in a blanket and laying on his couch and it was too normal and Louis had to keep telling himself it wasn’t real. He walked back into the living room and dropped onto the couch before he fought Harry for half the blanket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still a blanket hog” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am the one that’s always cold” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you think you’d like LA weather better” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then, what would I throw a strop about?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair enough” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need anything? Want anything?” I’m not the best host” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I’m okay. Thank you” Harry said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat shoulder to shoulder, but not touching, feet propped on the coffee table in front of them, the funny movie ended and Louis could tell Harry was uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, what do you need?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, I’m good.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a risk and flipped on the Notebook, if either of them had needed a good cry they would always put the Notebook on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Harry said, knowing the movie as soon as it was on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it was that or the Lion King and that just seemed cruel.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m all cried out Lou” Harry said quietly “Can’t do it anymore” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis understood that so he flipped around the channels, they had plenty of options but he settled for another Disney money, this time it was Monsters University. They had watched their fair share of movies over the years on tour, but sometimes they just liked mindless kids movies where they didn’t have to pay attention and always left you feeling good at the end. He heard Harry laugh lightly next to him so he tossed the remote onto the table and fixed the blanket over both of them. There wasn’t anything Harry could say that Louis wouldn't understand and Louis knew nothing he could say would make Harry feel better or change the situation. So movies it was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were a little into the movie when Harry really needed to be cuddled or held, he knew the awkwardness between them wouldn’t disappear in one conversation but he was lonely in LA and he needed some sort of physical reassurance about everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nudged Louis’ shoulder with his own and Louis’ arm barely hesitated before moving and Harry curled into Louis’ side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was tucked into Louis’s right side, head on his chest. Louis just looked down and smiled, this was how they were always comfy, Louis felt like he was protecting Harry despite Harry’s long limbs sprawled out behind him. Louis gently was running his fingers through Harry’s hair and he felt Harry start to get heavier on him. Louis was fine with him sleeping, he knew how hard it could be to sleep when you were worried and had nowhere to channel the worry. And Louis didn’t need to find any meaningless words that wouldn’t help the situation anyway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sweet dreams” Louis whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished watching the movie and felt himself starting to fall asleep. He figured he should be the adult and get them all to go to bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, wake up” Louis whispered. “Harry” Louis said, poking his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry cuddled further into Louis and Louis just rolled his eyes, somehow he got the title of being difficult to wake up but the others weren’t any better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, come on. Go to bed.” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry finally stirred and looked around like he had no idea where he was, Louis also knew stress would do that too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, you’re at my house. You’re okay” Louis said as Harry regained his senses. “It’s bed time” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S’okay, I’ll stay here.” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re still young, but I’m old and can’t sleep sitting up like this” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis waited patiently for Harry to wake up enough. Harry was patient with him and Louis could therefore do the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bed time” Harry said, waking up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup, come on lad” Louis said standing up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let Cliff out one last time and got him some more water and then led him to his dog bed and he waited for Harry with two waters for them at the steps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said sheepishly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That would happen to me, you finally feel safe, like you can sleep and not worry. I understand” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you need me to tuck you in like I tuck Fred in?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis led him into the guest room and got him out an extra blanket and made sure he didn’t need anything. Louis was lingering at the door after he got everything for Harry. It still seemed weird to sleep in different rooms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was about to turn and shut the door when Harry stopped him. “Thank you, Louis. For everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said, he walked back over to Harry and hugged him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said, hugging Louis tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to thank me. Just trying to be a good friend.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Lou” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Haz, if you um, need me or anything just uh come wake me up” Louis said, rubbing the back of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve done enough, thank you.” Harry said, getting back under the blankets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleep well” Louis said. He shut the light off and took a deep breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was bone tired, but he couldn’t get his mind to shut off. Oli and Liam were asleep in London and Niall was away on a writing trip and he knew he couldn’t talk about this with anyone else so he decided on a shower to relax and then get in bed. He quickly showered and threw on some pajama pants and towel dried his hair. He felt like he no sooner had gotten in bed and he heard Freddie over the monitor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui lad” Louis said groaning</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis grabbed the monitor and shoved it into his pocket and went into Freddie’s room. He rolled his eyes when he saw the problem, his stuffed dog was out of his reach. Now he knew Freddie could reach it, he was always all over in his crib,  but he decided instead to be a proper little diva instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really Freddie?” Louis asked, trying to hide his laugh. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Freddie had big, fat, fake tears running down his face but as soon as Louis reached for the stuffed dog, they magically stopped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What you needed another cuddle?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie shouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea lad, I’m here. But shh, we can’t wake Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis picked him and the offending stuffed dog up and Freddie made grabby hands for it and Louis walked around the room and hummed until Freddie fell asleep again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Louis said, kissing Freddie on his head as he tucked him back into his crib, making sure the dog was right next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis figured it was payback for all the times he made Liam get him something because he was too lazy to do it himself. He gently shut Freddie’s door and was about to go to his room when he heard a noise from Harry’s. He stopped and listened and it sounded like soft sobs. He quietly knocked on the door and waited. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Louis said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard the blankets shift around and a few sniffles and he opened the door. He saw Harry curled up and what he could only guess were tears streaming out of his eyes. He felt his heart shatter and quietly went over and sat on the end of the bed where Harry was curled up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Louis said gently, putting his hand on Harry’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh love” Louis said trying to sit him up but Harry was just as stubborn and stayed curled up. “Hey I’m here. What’s wrong?” Louis gently rubbed his hand on Harry’s blanket covered shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go back to bed.” Harry hiccuped </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis brushed Harry’s hair out of his face and then got up and got a cold flannel and ran it across Harry’s face. He sat back down before he answered Harry’s demands to go back to his own room. He knew how lonely it felt to cry by yourself so Louis wasn’t about to let Harry to continue it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fred was up, had to go check on him, then I heard you. Come on Harry, let me in” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t move so Louis climbed over him and was the big spoon to his little spoon. He could have walked around to the other side of the bed, but this had seemed more efficient. It wasn’t, he decided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to sleep, I’m right here” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry tried to roll back but instead landed on the baby monitor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ow” Harry said weakly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, sorry.” Louis said, moving the offending item to the nightstand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He quickly gave Harry’s hip a few rubs and then hugged him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to bed Lou, just leave me alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t. Don’t need your snotty tears all over me duvet.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were incredibly stubborn and Louis knew that Harry didn’t always want to show what was bothering and that’s where Louis used his humor to his advantage. It worked, he got a snort out of Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let me cuddle you okay. We both know it’s just a friendly cuddle between mates.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shifted around until he was facing Louis, he was met with an eye roll and a “well I was comfy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll stay?” Harry asked weakly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not going anywhere, love” Louis said, wrapping his arms around Harry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just as friends right? Like I don’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I know.” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lou” Harry mumbled into Louis’ bare chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt goosebumps run down his whole body and he was glad he had the foresight to wear pajama pants and not his usual boxers to bed. Harry’s head on his chest felt right though and Louis just hoped his feelings wouldn’t fuck this up. Harry had been there for him as soon as Louis had the balls to tell him about Jay and Louis knew no matter what he had to do the same and cry to Niall or Liam after the fact. Harry was even younger than him and was going to lose a parent and that made Louis very angry. But he hugged Harry tighter and felt Harry’s breathing even out against his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get some sleep H, I’m right here.” Louis whispered into the top of Harry’s head.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis quickly found sleep once he knew Harry was settled and he finally fell asleep, clinging to Harry like he could protect him from everything around them. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just a cute morning with Freddie, Louis and Harry</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's so short, please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis woke up to something or someone thrashing and mumbling next to him, he thought it was Cliff but realized that Cliff doesn’t feel like a human under his arm. He looked through bleary eyes and saw his former curly haired bandmate in bed next to him. He was most definitely confused and too tired to figure out what was happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S’okay Hazza” Louis mumbled before falling back to sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t long after Louis heard mumbling and tears coming from his bed mate. He groaned and cracked his eyes open, seeing Harry’s sleepy state, tears running down his face, it brought back the rushing memoires from earlier in the day and the bombshell Harry dropped on him about Robin. He shook his head a few times to wake himself up and lightly shook Harry’s shoulder, hoping to get him out of whatever nightmare he was in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, Harry, wake up love.” Louis said urgently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry continued to thrash about and Louis managed a bear hug and peeled one of Harry’s eyes open to get him to wake up. Probably not the most gentle but Louis was too tired to be gentle right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, you need to wake up.” Louis said, worry evident in his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry mumbled and it earned him his other eye being pried open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, wake the fuck up, love. You’re having a bad dream” Louis said sternly, but his face gave away his worry and concern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm” Harry said moving his head away from Louis</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, whatever it was it was a dream” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it’s me, you’re okay. Just sit up for me” Louis guided </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry moved or what he thought was moving and Louis just rolled his eyes, Harry was dead weight and in the dark Louis was having a hard time getting him to sit up. He got Harry half slumped against the headboard and reached across to get his water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Small sips” Louis instructed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What um, how?” Harry asked, he was getting his bearings and was quite confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You um, I think you had a nightmare.” Louis said, he took the water from Harry’s shaking hands and brushed the hair out of his face and Harry became more alert. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, are you okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think so” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna tell me about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis nodded. He gave Harry some space and fixed the blankets around them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t mean to wake you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, probably need a wee anyway” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went into the ensuite, weed and washed his hands and got a slightly warm flannel to wipe Harry’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you go” Louis said, handing it to Harry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry nodded, he wiped his face and dropped it onto the table beside the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay now?” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess so, just things were real and….” Harry said cutting himself off and biting his lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, still sometimes have nightmares. Like mum’s calling out for help and I can’t find her or help her or some shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Machines were beeping and then they stopped and I couldn't….I couldn't do anything.” Harry said sadly, scrubbing at his eyes with the flannel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh H” Louis said sadly “Can I hug you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He learned that waking someone up from a nightmare and then hugging them could wind up with a punch, or at least with Fizzy it did, some instant or summat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said, voice small. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him tight and rubbed his back, their bare chests pressed against each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you um, I don’t know if it’s too much…” Harry said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bloody Hell Harry, we’ve had sex in another life time, I’d probably fucking blow you right now if I thought it would fix Robin. Spit it out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cuddle me?” Harry asked, voice small and anxious again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, come here.” Louis said, breathing hard and pulling Harry back down with him. Louis was on his back and Harry had his head over Louis’ heart. Harry always found it calming and Louis knew that it would help now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go back to sleep, H.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nuzzled into Louis’ chest and Louis had his arms around Harry’s upper back and rubbed between his shoulder blades. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis started to hum and Harry shuddered against him, dug his fingers into Louis' side, holding on like Louis was the only thing keeping him from drawing.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis woke up the next morning confused as to why he was so hot, he cracked an eye open and saw Harry asleep next to him. He then felt Harry’s arm around his stomach. He waited for a second and didn’t hear Freddie so he decided to close his eyes again. He figured cuddling Harry was a latter problem and he was too tired to deal with it now. He tightened his hold on Harry and cuddled down into the blanket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harry woke up, it was later than he had expected and he heard Freddie crackle through the monitor. He figured the least he could do was let Louis sleep. Harry had woken up a few times in the night tossing and turning or having a bad dream and Louis woke up for each one and talked him through it. He was laying on his side, right arm tucked under him and left arm was holding on tightly to Louis’ side under the blanket. He was fairly sure he had drooled on Louis’ chest but he really hoped he hadn't. It was the best night sleep he’d had in a while despite the wake ups. Louis made him feel safe, there was no denying that. He heard Freddie again and quickly went to get him, to let Louis sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Freddie, it’s me Harry. Do you remember me?” Harry asked softly </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freddie eyed him, still clutching the stuff dog that apparently got away from him last night. Freddie waited a minute before he tossed the stuffed dog over the edge of his crib and clapped. Harry watched as his face changed drastically when he realized that the stuffed dog was not coming back to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got it” Harry said, hoping that Freddie wouldn’t cry. Harry bent down and picked it up. Holding it out for Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you go” Harry said handing him the dog back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie clutched the dog back to him, like Harry was only seconds away from stealing it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I’m Harry” he smiled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie babbled some more and then his face scrunched up and Harry had baby sat enough to know what that meant. Freddie’s face was turning red and Harry knew he was seconds away from crying so he picked him up and bounced him lightly. Harry then decided to let Louis sleep and changed Freddie’s nappy and found a basket with clean dummies and put it into Freddie’s mouth and then handed him the stuffed dog. He grabbed some book with a cartoon looking dinosaur on it and went back to the guest room. He laughed when he saw Louis sprawled out on the bed, hair all over the pillow and snoring lightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s be quiet, daddy’s still asleep” Harry whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was convinced Freddie understood and nodded his head but it was likely only to get a view of the dog clutched in Freddie’s chubby grasp. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry covered his legs with a blanket, he’d slept in pajama bottoms and then put a shirt on before he went to Freddie’s room. Harry was quietly reading the book to Freddie, Freddie lounged against him when Louis started to stir again. Harry paused to see if he would go back to sleep or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Louis’ hand reaching out, but Harry had given him more space and the way he was laying was out of reach. Harry laughed lightly and Louis mumbled out “cuddle” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry wasn’t sure what to do with that information so he plopped Freddie onto Louis’ back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Omph” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say wake up daddy” Harry said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie said, he was treating Louis’ back like it was his drum set and Louis easily dumped him off his back and rolled over and then tickled Freddie. Freddie giggled and laughed as Louis tickled him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis eventually stopped, not wanting to wind Freddie up too much and then he cuddled him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This a plot to steal my baby?” Louis asked, cocking one eyebrow up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never, right Fred. You happily came with me” Harry said rubbing Freddie’s tummy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for getting him, but you should have still been sleeping.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry laid back down and pulled the blankets up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t sleep anymore. Figured I might as well let you sleep.” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, you didn’t have to do that. Somehow this little lad is somewhat of a morning person.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Awful” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I blame the parents” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yea his dad’s a proper morning fan. Wrote a whole album about it and everything” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re getting better with the sarcasm, I’m impressed” Louis said, smiling at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis needed his brain to remind his heart that bantering with Harry with his baby in the middle was a one off andcould not be a normal thing. Harry now more than ever needed to be protected from the shitshow that would come with dating Louis. Louis wouldn’t put Harry through dating him while he works on his relationship with Briana, while he tries to make sure his sisters are okay and deal with his own grief. All on top of still not being comfortable with him, Louis wouldn’t put Harry through all that while his own step-father was battling cancer and very likely wouldn’t make it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was watching Louis with Freddie and this was all he wanted the whole thing, even after Louis told Harry he was going to be a dad, if Louis had asked him to still be in his life, to be his boyfriend again, Harry would have said yes. He still loved Louis and he hated how far apart they had grown. He took the dog from Freddie and placed it on his head like a hat and Freddie very much thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. He then stood up using Louis for balance and tried to get it off Harry’s head. The way Harry was laying still made it out of his short little reach and he started to get upset. Harry picked up him just enough for Freddie to pluck the dog off Harry’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Freddie” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was much more content with the dog now back in his hands and got tangled in the blankets and fell onto Harry. Harry faked he was hurt and Louis told him to kiss Harry’s shoulder and make it all better. Harry felt his heart melt with pure fond for both Tomlinson boys after Freddie kissed Harry’s fake injury. Freddie stayed on Harry and tried to hug him. Harry picked him up and put him in between himself and Louis and looked at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We both would like cuddles” Harry stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave him a are you kidding me type look and moved over and compiled. Freddie sandwiched in between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Louis quietly asked Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry cuddled, with Freddie in the middle. And eventually all three of them fell asleep again. Louis woke up an hour later to hand right in his face and a small foot on his chest. Freddie was clearly wide awake and was practicing his climbing skills on Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui” Louis huffed out. Freddie stopped but looked like he was put out at Louis not wanting a hand right in his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, lad” Louis said, hugging Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” Freddie yelled out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to be quiet, Harry’s sleeping” Louis whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie placed the beloved stuffed dog next to Harry and put his hand on Harry’s arm. Louis had no idea why his son felt the need to warm up to Harry who he has seen far less frequently then some of his other friends but of course the universe would decide Freddie likes Harry. He figured the only good thing was that it would piss Niall off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry started to stir away with the commotion beside him. He woke up and saw that Louis was hugging Freddie and that Freddie had put the dog next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fell asleep” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can get this little monster out of the way and you can keep sleeping” Louis said, sitting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He likes you” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m easy to like” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He shared the stuffed dog with you” Louis pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry hugged the dog and gave it back to Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Freddie” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, right. You’re so smart” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis' stomach growled and it drew the attention of both Harry and Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hungry Lou?” Harry asked, laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, think so” Louis said rubbing his stomach </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We gotta go feed the tummy monsters” Louis said tickling Freddie again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie laughed and the dummy fell out of his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s go get our favorite mashes nanas and cereal” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can make something if you want” Harry offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nonsense, we can’t always have guests make us food or they will pick up on it and stop coming over. Right Fred?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie didn’t look amused and Louis just shrugged and got out of bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind” Harry said, getting out as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should relax a little, let me take care of you, okay?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want some eggs?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. Can I shower first?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go right ahead, towels are in the bathroom. There should be shower stuff in there, you can check my bathroom, there might be better stuff in there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine Louis” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave him a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not as LA as you make me out to be. I’m still just me” Harry said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With the occasional LA fad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yes, but still me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to know” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I better” Harry said gesturing to the bathroom </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, go ahead” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got Freddie dressed and then himself and went down to start breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He threw some bacon in the oven and Freddie didn’t seem to want to stay in his high chair so Louis got him out and let him hold his fingers as he tried to walk. He’s taken some steps on his own but still likes to hold on to someone. Louis was happy to be led around his kitchen and was a little startled when Harry spoke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw Lou, glad you’re finally learning how to walk.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie threw a confused look towards Harry, like no I’m the one that’s learning and smashing it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Figured I should learn before I’m thirty.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to make breakie?” Harry asked, still smirking at Freddie and Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind. He just didn’t want to stay still so I figured it was better than a strop.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it, you two keep practicing.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and picked up his baby and started to help Harry one handed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve really mastered this whole dad business, one handed and everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it was that or completely starve.” Louis said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> He cut up a banana for Freddie and started on the eggs while Harry arbitrarily decided to also make pancakes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry it’s not fancy” Louis said as he stirred the eggs around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No smells good, Lou” Harry said smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cliff immediately barred over to Harry and dropped a toy in front of him, and Harry petted him. He finished up the pancakes and they got everything on the table. Louis so nicely sent Niall a picture to show him what he was missing out on. And Louis placed a few eggs and cut up pancakes on the tray for Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing?” Louis asked Harry, lowering his voice even though Freddie was occupied with his food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno really. Just like hope it’s a bad dream but it’s not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here for another two days and I go to Miami and then I’ll probably be between London and Donny for a month before I’m back here again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I’m gonna try to do the launch from London, Grimmy’s working it out for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’ll be good. Maybe we can convince Neil to get his arse off a golf course and we can come support you. Privately of course, can’t take anything away from your big day.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry searched Louis’ face for sarcasm but didn’t find any. They usually dropped their albums at midnight, they’d pile on one couch and wait for them to drop. Even for the last album the four of them still did it. Harry was glad that he wouldn’t be doing it alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like that. See if Liam can get off baby duty for a little.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He tell what he named the lad yet?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I figured if anyone knew it would’ve been you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, holding out.” Louis huffed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie copied Louis and huffed out as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, Freddie wants to know.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve gotten pictures and a facetime but that’s it. Said he wants to tell me his name in person.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Said I’ll find out when I meet him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean he’ll tell us eventually, why keep it a secret.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m guessing it’s something proper stupid” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you would” Harry rolled his eyes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it’s Liam, he probably thought it was something fully endearing but it’s just flat out stupid” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor lad” Harry laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish I had an idea though, said it wasn’t anything they had discussed before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No idea. Probably wants to tell you first though.” Harry offered</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better, if he knows what’s good for him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny how you two were at each other’s throats at first” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno turned out alright” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that we made the conscious decision to get closer as a band after Zayn left. Like we could have let it come between us but we didn’t even with everything that had happened. I know that I don’t have to live in your back pockets to know that you three will always have my back. People don’t understand that. Don’t understand all that we did together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I was against the break but once we talked it out I’m glad we all agreed to be as close as possible. All the shit people said could very well have destroyed us if we weren’t on good terms during that last year. You lot will always be family.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree” Harry said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie made his presence known and Louis loved his kid, he sometimes had impeccable timing when situations turned on the wrong side of serious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry finished their breakfast in a comfortable silence with Freddie babbling in and Calling over for Cliff. It was later in the day when Louis decided to let Freddie and Cliff run around the back garden. Louis made himself and Harry a tea and they were sitting on the steps as Cliff ran from fence to fence and Freddie rolled all over the football Louis was teaching him with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he’ll be a proper footie player?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hope so” Louis said smiling and Freddie kicked it towards them and promptly fell on his nappied bum. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a good baby” Harry commented </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He really is, I got lucky.” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s got a big personality for such a little lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does, can throw some major attitude as well for someone thats barely twenty pounds” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His faces mimic yours, it’s pretty cute.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aside from taking after his Uncle Niel with being a blondy, he very much is me.” Louis smirked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just laughed, loved how Louis talked about them all being his family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis watched the next situation in what seemed like slow motion. Freddie was standing next to the tiny football and clumsy Cliff came running towards him and promptly knocked Freddie over. Freddie let out a blood curdling scream and Louis ran to him, he didn’t even know where he dumped his mug but he got to Freddie quicker than he ever imagined he could. He scooped Freddie up, cuddling him to his chest as tightly as he could, softly telling him he was okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh Freddie, you’re okay, love.” Louis said kissing Freddie’s head where it had hit the football. Louis was thankful that it hit the ball and not the ground but he hoped Freddie’s cries were just from being startled and not hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kept kissing his head and wipes the tears away with his sleeve as he bounced him but Freddie was not having any of it. He was wiggling in Louis’ arms and was quite angry, face going red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, daddy’s got you. You’re okay” Louis said hugging him tightly. Louis didn’t even realize Harry had disappeared but now he was standing next to Louis and Freddie, clutching a ice pack that Louis had forgotten he shoved in his freezer when Freddie became more mobile. The polar bear ice pack was wrapped in a flannel and Louis doubled it so it wouldn’t be too cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks H” Louis said, he also realized that Cliff hadn’t run back over yet and he motioned for Harry to go to the fence to check on Cliff. Harry put both mugs on the bottom step and jogged over to the fence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See the special polar bear will make it all better.” Louis said, holding the pack to Freddie’s head. He left it on for a few seconds and checked again for a bruise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you let daddy see your head, let me see your owie.” Louis said, trying to get Freddie to turn his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis saw a red mark on it but no bump and Freddie didn’t scream when Louis ran his fingers over it. He figured it scared him more than anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay” Louis said kissing him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went and sat on the steps, Freddie still holding onto him for dear life and his head on Louis’ chest, with Louis still holding the ice pack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was an accident Freddie. Cliffy didn’t mean to hurt you.” Louis said as he saw Harry walking back over with Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis loved his big clumsy, dumb dog but he was going to have a chat with him about making Freddie cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Fred?” Harry asked crouching down in front of them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie didn’t even look at Harry and just made a huffy noise and shot Cliff a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deffo wouldn’t want to be Cliff right now” Harry said sitting down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wicked glare, this kid” Louis said, kissing his head again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry motioned for Cliff to come up to him and he listened. Harry picked him up and put his paw on Louis’ leg, “I’m sorry Freddie” Harry said in a silly voice </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie now glared at both of them but didn’t turn away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Iff” Freddie said turning his face back into Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw lad, Cliffy’s sorry” Louis said, rubbing Freddie’s back as he shuddered again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just a wee bit clumsy” Harry said, same silly voice “Didn’t mean to bop you over” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry waited until Freddie looked back at him and Cliff warily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you got a new polar bear friend, saw he gave your head a hug. Can I give you an I’m sorry hug?” Harry said, never breaking character </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis used all his will power to not laugh at how serious Freddie looked or how silly Harry was, knowing that Harry was taking this as serious as Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’da say love, can you forgive Cliffy?” Louis asked, trying to tickle Freddie’s belly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorwy” Harry said, and placed Cliff’s other paw on Louis’ leg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you say I forgive you” Louis asked Freddie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie looked at Louis who nodded and then at Harry who also nodded and Freddie put his hand on top of Cliff’s paw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Iffy” Freddie said, glare now gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna give Cliff a kiss?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned Freddie down and he put his little hands on Cliff and put his head on Cliff’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See all better. Proud of you, my big lad” Louis said hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just smirked at Harry and mouthed thank you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we go have a snack, you’ve had a big morning” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie yawned and Louis took that as a good sign. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Snack time?” Harry asked happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thinking some berries and grapes and baby puffs.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby puffs, my favorite” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would think you’re kidding if I didn’t know that you used to steal them from Luxy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, I didn’t steal them. She shared them. Sometimes they ended up in my bag and I’d forget to give them back to Lou. I would never steal.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper thief you are, Styles.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis meets Bear.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know what you think! I really hope I did Louis' reaction to Bear's name justice.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis was on a flight back to London with Oli. Ultra had been great and he enjoyed performing again, especially now he was sure he wouldn’t bawl his eyes out every few seconds. He may have teared up when he dropped Freddie off for the last time for at least the next month. Freddie was in a great mood and Louis tried to keep his shit together so not alarm him. He hugged him and kissed him like his life depended on it and Briana asked if he wanted to stay for Breakfast just to have some more time. He happily took the extra time and then of course was rushing to the airport. Now he know why he had Oli as his assistant. Oli was like his second brain and Louis was lost with out him. He may be his best friend, but also knew Louis’ schedule better than he did. He flew out to Miami with Steve and his crew for the festival and Steve said he looked better than he had a few weeks ago. He hugged Oli tight when he saw him, Oli just as relieved that Louis was doing okay. His relationship with Eleanor had been made public, much to his dismay but Oli fought hard for him and that was all he could ask for. He had shipped Cliff back home and Eleanor said she would get him and take care of him. He hated doing it but it was necessary. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, he and Oli had been in a comfortable silence, the rest of his team spread through the plane. He had a chartered flight for them all. He didn’t do it often but he wasn’t in the mood to handle other people right now. He had seen them all back to England for a while and he figured it was the least he could do after he head them all over the place  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just gave him a curious glance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Giving me space” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, didn’t think it was a good idea though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t get in any trouble, kept to meself, was proper well behaved.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t trying to babysit you, mate. Just it’s okay to need your mates.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and I know that better now. Just think I needed to hide away in me house for a little with Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss the little lad” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you do, he’s gonna be proper confused as to why the ginge is always with us” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just rolled his eyes. Louis looked around and made sure no one was close enough to them to hear. He had asked Harry and Harry said he could tell Oli. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I know you asked me when we first got to Miami why I was quiet and I didn’t tell you the reason” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Oli said, confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Harry called me the one day, proper distraught and asked me to come over.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two didn’t start sleeping together again, right? Like there’s only so many ways I can keep you put together here and Niall in LA, mate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What no, fuck off” Louis said shoving him. “It’s not like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright” Oli conceded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He asked me to come over, Jeff was there and I’ve never seen him like that. He um, he said Robin’s cancers back. Fought it years ago, but um now. Now there’s nothing they can do more. Um he’s like mum, fucking terminal” Louis said getting it all out before his eyes welled over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck” Oli said sadly “Are you okay? How’s Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sniffled and blinked his eyes clear. Oli was about to hug him but he shook his head no, Oli hugged him anyway and Louis’ eyes dropped a few unwanted tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’okay. H’s doing as best as you can expect. They um found out right before mum died, he still took all my shit though.” Louis said finally looking at Oli </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit really?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Said he understood it better, knew it was better to get it off me chest. He’s not as okay about it all, but he’s trying to be strong for Anne.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bloody hell” Oli said, scrubbing a hand over his face. “What did you do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get what he’s going through. sadly. He um stayed with me and Freddie the last two days I was there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s good you were there for him.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, we’re too fucking young for this shit, losing parents. It’s not fucking fair.” Louis said angrily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli didn’t say anything, there wasn’t anything to say. Louis was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Tommo. That’s shit. Robin was always ace.” Oli said, he shifted around and Louis used his best mate as a pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you two now?” He asked, once Louis got comfy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno. It’s all just fucked up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I know it is” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not much either of us can do about it, though” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your mum always talked in the future of you two getting back together. Maybe you’ll both realize you’re better together than apart. You clearly still care for each other.” Oli offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what’s fucked up. It was so easy just Freddie, him and me and of course Cliff. Like a proper little family and shit. Can’t bring him into me messy life, not when his is collapsing too. But it just, I don’t know. I’m talking shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you're not.” Oli said, sympathetically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew Louis long before x-factor and long before the rest of the world knew Louis. He’d watched his best friend come out of his shell only to be to be told how to act and what to say and do. He saw Louis and Harry fall in love and then implode on themselves when it was all too much. He picked his best friend up when his heart was shattered into a million pieces and was there when he became a dad and then lost his mum and took on the responsibility for his younger siblings. He wasn’t sure how Louis handled it all, and he’d been there the days Louis couldn’t get himself out of his bed, but here he was sitting next to him, Louis losing someone else that was very important to him. He knew that Louis had stayed in contact with Anne and Robin and he also knew the rocky relationship with Harry never came between him talking to Robin and Anne and in a way, Oli knew that this was Louis losing another father figure type person. But he knew Louis would never admit it, would do anything to take Harry’s pain away. Oli naively hoped that maybe things would turn around for the better after all of this heartache but it didn’t seem that way now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if I can’t be there for him? Like what if it’s all too much and I fuck it up?” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you will, and Harry more than anybody would understand your pain. I don’t think he’s looking for you to have all the answers. Just looking for you to be there.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re smarter than the average ginger you know that?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just rolled his eyes and stole Louis’ water bottle. Louis debated whether or not to tell him about the next part and eventually he decided to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said he understood Freddie comes first, as it should be but that he just wants a place in my life.” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So that’s a good thing you dickhead” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave Oli the finger and huffed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why was there an article about him and a French model supposedly dating?” Louis huffed out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone’s jealous” Oli said, poking Louis in the side </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna push you out of this plane” Louis glared </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t” Oli said smirking at him “Come on you know how it is, new album, new relationship. All good for promo. You also told him to go for it with the French model. So that’s on you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate you sometimes” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well, find a new best mate” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it takes too long to break em in and trust them with your kid” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh glad I’m useful” Oli said rolling his eyes “Can’t get mad at him for dating someone. From what you said you told him multiple times that you were unavailable.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop making sense” Louis said, stealing Oli’s pillow for himself “Need a smoke, too fucking worked up to be on a plane” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it might not seem like much Louis, but you got yourself through the hardest year of being a new dad and losing your mum and technically changing jobs. You just got to give everything some time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if there was anyone that understood you and that you understood better than anyone else it’s Harry. Just be a good friend for right now, it’s how it all started anyway” Oli offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, have you been chatting up the Irish one?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We text about your well being” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m friends with them too, you know that” Oli said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Louis said, he pulled the blanket up over him and decided to sleep before he pissed Oli off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think Harry just wants you back in each other’s lives, no matter how you're able to have him in your life. I think it’s a good step.” Oli said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were less than an hour before landing and Louis figured he better run his schedule by Oli, just to make sure there wasn’t anything urgent going on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m writing for two days with someone from the label and then I’m going to visit Payno then going home for a few weeks. Nothing else going on right?” Louis asked, flipping through his calendar on his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you’re all clear. Did you finish that song yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorta, think we’re finishing it tomorrow. Did some other writing in LA but not ready for that yet.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Weren’t you trying to put out whatever song you had been working on before you left for LA?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s missing something, think it needs another voice. Hoping it’s what we work out tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Liam and the lad doing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, good” Louis said smiling “Dickhead still won’t tell me the lads name yet till I meet him. It’s gotta be proper stupid if he’s holding out like that” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reign isn’t the most normal either” Oli pointed out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well too late now” Louis said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are me and El coming with you back home?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I um. I’m going to see Anne and Robin on my way then I need some time with me sisters and Ernie. You can come up later, bing Cliff for me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, if you’re sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure.” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The captain announced they would be landing soon and they both got ready. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was driving to Liam and Cheryl’s house. He said Cheryl had a checkup and then said she’d give the two of them the afternoon together, which Louis appreciated. He still didn’t fully understand Liam’s relationship with Cheryl, it just seemed weird but as long as Liam was happy Louis would mostly keep his mouth shut. He parked and grabbed the big bag of presents he got for the lad, he wouldn’t be outdone by Niall or Harry. He also brought some soft sweater thing Briana recommended for Cheryl, she had sworn by it for night feedings and Louis figured it wouldn’t hurt anything. He also brought a present for Liam, parenting for dummies. It was more of a gag gift but knowing Liam, he’d read the whole damn thing. He texted he was there, not wanting to wake the baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam opened the door and crushed Louis into a hug. Louis dropped the bags and hugged Liam tightly. He missed annoying Payno on a regular basis. Liam led him in and made them some tea. Louis was getting impatient, he wanted to meet the little lad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, stop holding out, where is he?” Louis asked, sipping his tea </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you missed me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, sure, missed you and all. Where is the lad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just rolled his eyes and Louis followed him into nursery. It was painted a light cream and it wasn’t Louis’ taste for a baby nursery, i.e. footie themed, but it was soothing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s got another twenty or so for his kip” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis whispered, he looked at the baby in the basket and at Liam. His best mate was now also a dad and it was just weird. But he was proud of how far Liam had come. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went back down stairs so they didn’t wake him and settled onto the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect Payno” Louis gushed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still doesn't feel real” Liam said, shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You made a whole person” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s been pretty good so far” Liam far </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does this little person have a name, yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does” Liam said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s something stupid innit?” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO!” Liam said, lightly shoving Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno, come on. Out with it. Couldn’t even properly address the card, didn’t know what to call the little lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Liam said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On with it” Louis said, basically bouncing in his seat</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam waited a second and then announced it </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bear Grey Payne” Liam said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno” Louis said as a whole lot of thoughts were rushing through his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheryl liked it and there’s a reason, it’s not stupid” Liam rushed out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You named your kid after me” Louis smirked “You said we weren’t going to and then you did. Proper flattered” Louis said smugly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you on?” Liam asked confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Once upon a time I had a nickname called boo bear. Liam I’m so happy you took my suggestion and named him after me” Louis said, smirk never leaving </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bloody hell” Liam said, hand scrubbing over his face in disbelief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You named your kid after me, you named your kid after me” Louis said in a sing song voice as he repeatedly poked Liam in the stomach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait till Neil and Harold find out you named him after me” Louis said, smirk never leaving his face </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam was still essentially speechless, that thought never crossed his mind, but somehow Louis was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck” Liam finally said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knew you couldn’t resist naming the lad after me”. Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re never gonna let this go are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stood up and pulled Liam in for a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck I named my son after you” Liam groaned into Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did lad, you did.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So it’s not stupid then?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s fucking stupid, you named him after an animal and a color. He’s a person Li, not a animal or a color. Sounds like a fucking paint swatch color if I’m honest. But I’ll look past it and give the lad a break since he’s got you as a dad and I’ll proper love him anyway” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So kind” Liam said rolling his eyes “Wait a paint swatch?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like some kinda color or summat” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid’s fucked isn’t he?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, he’s got you as his dad” Louis said, much softer this time, and a lot less sarcasm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t believe I still named my kid after you. Trust me Cheryl and I both shut down Louis, William or Tom.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah yes, the correct answer is then to name him after an animal” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not gonna let this go are you?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam groaned and the baby monitor next to him crackled to life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well wanna properly meet him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s named after me, of course I do” Louis said, going to the steps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so excited, I mean you knew he was coming.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just am” Louis shrugged “Need something good right now and I love babies” Louis said, going vulnerable for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry told you” Liam said, he vaguely remembered Niall texting him something about it but he was too tired to remember. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it sucks. It all just fucking sucks.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam moved to hug him and Louis shook his head no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby” Louis said pointing up the stairs </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam understood that as Louis wasn’t discussing this situation any further and he heard Bear’s cries and figured it was better they went to get him anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready?” Liam asked him, opening the door </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gimme” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just rolled his eyes and picked Bear up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bear, meet your Uncle Louis” Liam said transferring Bear to Louis arms </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Careful, watch his head” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave him a look, like he really didn’t need to tell Louis how to hold a baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey lad” Louis cooed. “I’m Uncle Louis, you’ll like me better than your Uncle Niall and Uncle Harry, I promise” Louis said, lightly bouncing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bear calmed down and Liam was relieved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s smacking his gums, think he’s hungry, Payno” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, your daddy seems tired, I promise he’s usually more organized than this” Louis said to Bear </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right um, Cheryl normally feeds him and um…” Liam said panicking slightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Payno, I don’t think either of us have boobs to feed him. Did she leave you a bottle or anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh yea, fridge” Liam said going back down to the kitchen </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shrugged and made faces at Bear to keep him calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re daddy’s gone a bit mad I think.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heard that” Liam called out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis cradled Bear to him and followed Liam into the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um here” Liam said warming it up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I?” Louis asked hopeful </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Liam said nodding</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took the bottle from Liam and started to feed Bear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Starting to think you didn’t even miss me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww Liam, I’ll hold you next and feed you. I draw the line at wiping your ass though” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do I miss you?” Liam asked him, but couldn’t contain the smile on his face</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause I’m me” Louis smirked “Does he like to be walked around when feeding or sitting?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, Cheryl usually feeds him” Liam said nervously</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go with sitting then” Louis said sitting on the couch next to Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat comfortably with Bear and started to feed him, he was studying Liam and could see how stressed he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Li?” Louis asked, more seriously as he nudged him with his foot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think so?” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just looked at him like he knew he was lying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Scared of messing him up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s only weeks old, you can’t possibly scar him yet.” Louis reassured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheryl’s much better with him, you’re better with him than I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno, look at me” Louis nudged him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam finally looked up and Louis rolled his eyes since as they got old Liam inherited Karen’s habit of crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think I wasn’t scared shitless? Or felt like I didn’t know what I was doing? It’s normal Li. Yea I’m comfortable with him because I’m not responsible for his well being. I wasn’t this calm with Freddie despite all me younger siblings.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re just saying that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not, Liam. I know I bust your balls but you seem to be doing a good job. He’s clean, he’s getting fed. He’s clearly loved. You haven’t dropped him yet, you’re doing good. You just gotta relax a little.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Relax, yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been sleeping?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t but Cheryl said it was pointless for both of us to be exhausted so I’ll spend afternoons with him while she naps.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And everything goes fine. You’re doing good.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam looked tired and stressed. Louis knew that look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go take a shower, even kip if you want. I got him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I actually showered this morning, why do I look that bad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled his eyes again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, just showering with Freddie around is always the hardest, but again you and Cheryl are actually in this together. But seriously if you need some sleep it’s okay. I get it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, think I just needed to spend time with you.” Liam said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s okay to ask for help” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just laughed and looked at Louis since Louis was the last person to ask for help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m great at giving advice, not great at taking it.” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had finished feeding Bear and grabbed the cloth from Liam and burped Bear and then made more funny faces at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least Freddie likes my funny faces, Bear’s only giving me a why are you doing that look.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for coming.” Liam said as they settled back, now that Bear was awake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always.” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s quite cute Liam” Louis said looking down at Bear </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s got a swing he seems to like if you want to put him down.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Few more minutes, miss holding a baby. Fred’s all wiggly now unless it’s bedtime.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a good lad too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think they’ll be partners in crime?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hope so, we make a good team” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We do” Louis agreed. “Pull out my phone and facetime Briana, want Freddie to see him. It should be a somewhat appropriate time to call them.” Louis said, turning his hip to Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam got it all set up and flipped it to Louis, Briana finally answered, apparently Freddie was throwing bananas all around, which Louis warned her he would do. But he asked her to put the phone in front of Freddie. He knew he likely wouldn’t know what was happening but he was determined to have Freddie know his British life as much as his LA life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Freddie” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie said, Louis could tell he was reaching for the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want you to meet your new mate, lad. Uncle Liam’s a daddy now too. This is Bear.” Louis said, moving closer to Liam and the phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada?” Freddie said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bear, Freddie, Freddie, Bear” Louis introduced </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rawr” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea lad, that’s what bears sound like. But this Bear is a baby” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He mouthed a told ya to Liam who just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They tried for a few more minutes and Liam took a selfie of the four of them with his phone and then they hung up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think he quite gets the phone situation yet” Louis said after Liam hung up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Liam asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just miss him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re gonna steal mine?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might do” Louis said “Right” he said looking down at Bear </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect Liam” Louis said, giving him one last cuddle before he put him in the swing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said, pulling Liam in for a hug, now free of baby. Louis hugged him tightly and mumbled into his shoulder “Proud of you Payno”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Liam sag against him, and Louis rubbed his back. “It’s okay, you’re doing good, lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put Liam back on the couch and sat next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, been getting emotional since he was born” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Course you have. It’s a big thing and you're proper tired. It’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mean what?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re proud of me, I’m doing fine?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis suppressed the eye roll and turned to face Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Liam. I wouldn’t lie to you about this. I’m proud of you for taking care of Cheryl and your son and you might not have given birth to him but he’s still your baby too. You stepped up Li, and I know you struggled and things were hard after we took a break but now you have this little person that needs you and loves you and I’m very fucking proud that your the next one to have a kid.” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam hugged him again tightly and Louis hugged back easily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper sap, your dad” Louis said to Bear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you feel like you didn’t know what you were doing? Like didn’t feel like Freddie’s dad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep breath, he didn’t know Liam had struggled this much with fatherhood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, especially since I only stayed with Briana and him the first few weeks before it was just too weird. But it was like I was only a dad every three days or whatever. And I think it’s harder for us too, because they do need their mums mom at first and there’s a different bond with them but talk to Cheryl how you feel. She might not even know you feel like this, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel stupid” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s a shit excuse” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I have a healthy baby and it’s different than I expected. Like I thought it would have been different.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What way?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I can’t do much for him and Cheryl wants to do it all. Feel like I’m just a babysitter at times.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww Liam” Louis said, he knew Liam’s mental health had been a little all over the place </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget I said anything” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Liam, look if anyone feels like a babysitter it’s me. I don’t even live with my kid. But talk to Cheryl, tell her you want to do more. Tell her how you feel. It’s important.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Tommo” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing fine to me.” Louis smiled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m already being quite generous with these compliments, how many more you gonna need?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Liam, it’s overwhelming and scary. But don’t be so hard on yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Liam nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him again and Liam melted into the hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it makes you feel any better, Freddie picked up on me saying shit and now if he drops something he says sit. Thank god he can’t pronounce the h yet, but when he does, Briana will properly kill me. So I’m definitely not winning any father of year awards for that one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Liam tried to contain his laugh but he lost out and soon they both were laughing and Louis showed him the video of Freddie running around with Cliff when he fell and tried to say shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They put on a footie game and Liam helped Bear open his presents, well he opened them for him. Some were just little outfits Louis couldn’t help but buy. One was a double sided picture of their first picture together and the other was their group hug at their last show in 2015. He explained to Liam how he had the same one in Freddie’s room, so that part of Louis’ life was always with him. Liam also pulled out a pair of baby Vans and baby Adidas and Liam smirked, it was very much Louis to dress their kids just like him. He also got Bear the same stuffed dog that Freddie loves so much and he even found a baby water gun that made noise. It was still too big for him but he promised Liam he’d find one and he did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really” Liam said, holding the water gun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He needed it” Louis said with a total straight face </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Louis” Liam said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shopping for babies is easy, sorry if I got a little carried away. Kinda just added stuff to a cart and that was that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it means a lot. I think my favorite is the little footie kit” Liam said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mine too” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I got you this, it was more of a gag gift, but I didn’t know you were having this much trouble with everything so don’t hate me.” Louis said, handing Liam a wrapped package. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam opened and started to laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Li?” Louis cautioned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love it, and it’s perfect coming from you” Liam said hugging him “Maybe it’ll help ease some of my fear” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knew you’d read the whole fucking thing” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love everything, and I think Bear does too. He’s been very good while you’re here.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s one in there for Cheryl. Briana recommended it when I told her Cheryl gave birth so if she hates it blame her.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure she won’t” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the baby Vans and got them on Bear’s feet. They were still a little big but it was fine. He put Bear in Louis’s lap again and took one picture of just his feet and Louis’ hands and then one of him and Louis.  He asked Louis if he could post the one without Bear’s face and Louis said yes. Liam took Bear back and the three of them watched the football game. Liam felt better with Louis meeting his son and reassuring him. All three were dozing off when Cheryl came home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” She called out, surprised it was quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took in the sight of Liam and Louis both passed out with a sleeping Bear on Liam’s chest. Louis had a hand on Bear’s back and she took a picture of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Babe, I’m home” She said, kissing Liam. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Liam instantly woke up and figured out what was happening. He nudged Louis who also woke up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see Bear wore you two out” Cherl said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jet lag” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo told me to sleep when Bear sleeps” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleepy lads” She said, showing him the picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wouldn’t admit it but was very much a cute picture and he asked Cheryl to send it to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went through all the presents again and Louis gave Cheryl her gift, which she enjoyed. They hung out and ordered Pizza for dinner. Louis and Liam then talked about Robin and Louis’s visit with them in a few days. He was getting ready to leave and leaned over to kiss Cheryl and then hug Liam. As he was leaving and after he properly said goodbye to Bear he called out “happy you named your kid after me Payno” and left. He figured he’d let Liam fill Cheryl in and he could hear Liam groan as he shut the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis goes to see Robin and chats with Gemma.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So sorry for the delay. I wasn't happy with the chapter so I wanted to wait on it but then I had a family emergency so I apologize for how long it took. This wasn't my favorite chapter I've ever written but I'm still a little stuck so I hope I get some inspiration going forward. </p><p>As always this isn't meant to be disrespectful in anyway, I'm just writing things how maybe they could have happened.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis was convinced he had packed enough to go home for a little. He was laying in his bed after finishing a facetime with Freddie. He had texted Niall that he got to meet Payno’s lad but didn’t know if he’d hear back from him before he fell asleep. He was cuddled with Cliff watching the telly in bed when his phone rang. Some incredibly bad picture of Niall lit up Louis’ phone and he quickly answered it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking beat me to it you dickhead” Niall yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cliff says hello” Louis said rolling his eyes at Niall’s state.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were gonna meet him together” Niall said, pouting </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad, your face’ll freeze like that” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You went without me” Niall stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno needed some reassurance, and I’m going back to Donny. Had to meet the lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh fine whatever, I’ll give you a pass for Liam’s sake.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would it make you feel better if I told you he named the lad after me?” Louis asked smirking. He knew Niall would take the piss and spaz out on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, you’re lying” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Serious, mate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not fucking falling for it” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s named after me, can’t help I’m Payno’s favorite” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m adding him” Niall grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis waited for Liam’s face to popup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam did you really name your kid after Louis and not me?!” Niall asked, indigent on the other end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly.” Liam said groaning</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m adding Harry” Niall scoffed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was trying his best to keep it together but he really needed to concentrate on hiding his laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi everyone” Harry said happily, his face popping on the screen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know Liam named his kid after Louis and not me?” Niall demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do not even know what Liam named his baby” Harry said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall, love. You’re taking the piss” Louis teased</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s completely lost the plot.” Liam said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis’ tormented you for years, I’m the cute younger brother and you name him after Louis. Should’ve just fucking named him Zayn then.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis lost his composure and he was hysterically laughing. He wasn’t sure he’d laughed this hard in months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall I think they’re fucking with you” Harry offered, trying to mask his own laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler, dear sweet Nialler, are you really upset by this?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh yea” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why, it’s not true but why.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because Harry and Louis will always be HarryandLouis and you and Louis are probably the closest and then that just leaves me.” Niall whined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis said gently “I’m fucking with you and Payno.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m confused” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo came over and met him today.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam would you like to announce the lads name?” Harry asked easily, not entirely sure what was happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bear Grey Payne” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Niall asked confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s beautiful Liam” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis snorted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds like a fucking paint swatch” Louis said again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how’s that naming him after Lou...Oh, oh my God you so did. Right BooBear?” Harry asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hate that fucking nickname” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you didn’t name him after Louis?” Niall clarified </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not intentionally” Liam said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni, are you alright. Your more high strung than usual” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stupid fight with my brother. Took it out on you lot” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna…?” Harry started before Niall cut him off. “Not talking about it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So Payno, why Bear?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t even think of Louis’ old nickname, Cheryl hated everything we talked about, and he kept making these little noises when he was trying to clear his lungs and we went with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tried so hard to not name him after me he named him a paint color and still named him after me” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My poor child will never hear the end of it” Liam said, shaking his head</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, cause then I’ll be the favorite uncle” Louis stated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam he’s beautiful and you picked a name with meaning.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you like it” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your kid’s name sounds like a fucking footie club, Tommo” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not an insult Ni” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam brought Bear onto the screen and they all gushed over him. They were wrapped up their conversation, well passed sleeping time for Louis and Liam when Niall asked Harry if he’d name his kid Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, you’ll name youre kid for me right?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um well, about that” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What gonna name your kid after Louis too?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Liam held his breath but soon both of them were laughing again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, Gemma’s holding me to naming my kid Gemma’s Not A Poo Head.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other three started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um when were you planning on telling me that bit of information?” Louis asked smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not till one of us got pregnant” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So no” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where does that name come from?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promised Gemma it when I was seven. And she still holds it against me” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only you, Haz” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that’s a better name than Niall” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to put him to bed, but thanks lads. I needed this. Louis also calmed me down with his visit. Just a bit nervous I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing great, Liam.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, Payno.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise you’ll be fine, lad.” Louis reassured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all hung up and Louis texted Niall seraptely to make sure he was alright and then he texted Harry to give him a hard time about having to name his kid after Gemma. Once he knew Niall was fine and swapped a few texts with Harry he was ready to pass out. He knew Niall got stressed about the weirdest shit, he thought some of that might have went away when he grew out the blonde hair, but it was nice to know that some things wouldn’t change and his Irish friend was still the same as always. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was on his way to Anne and Robin’s. Gemma had called him the night before to ask him if he wanted her there too and he said yes. He always felt like Gemma was the older sister he never had and while they weren’t nearly as close as they used to be, she was still someone Louis felt he could talk to. Somehow breaking her brother’s heart didn’t make her hate him. He told her how nervous he actually was and she reassured him that they all would understand no matter what happened. Eleanor and Oli both tried to get him to eat something before he left but he couldn’t. He already felt like he was going to be sick and he didn’t think his stomach would settle anytime soon. He was going for most of the day and then would drive to Donny after and pick Fizzy up from school at lunch the next day. He had stopped at a bakery that the four of them all liked when he and Harry were still together and picked up a few things and Robin’s favorites. He kept having to wipe his hands on his jeans as he drove, getting closer and more nervous. He had it plugged into his phone, but he honestly knew the way. Plenty of secret drives had left it ingrained in his brain. He pulled over once, thinking he was going to be sick when he saw the sign with his exit on it. But he calmed himself down as he drove through the small town to Anne and Robins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made sure no one had followed him before he parked in the driveway and gave him a second to compose himself. It may have been longer than a second because he got a text from Gemma asking if he was coming in or if they were going to have this afternoon lunch in his car. He wiped his hands again and got out and carried the barkery items to the door. He felt weird knocking and felt weird walking in but luckily Gemma was opening the door as soon as he hit the top step. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always good to see my favorite dickhead” Gemma said smiling and holding her arms out for a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never losing that nickname am I?” Louis asked, hugging her tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never” Gemma said and Louis kissed her on the cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shared in his weird sarcastic humor whereas Harry sometimes didn’t always get it, his jokes being much more punny than the two of them could stand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem good Gems” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too, you look healthier than you did a few months ago” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trying to get there.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, they are in the sitting room. Mum even took off just to see you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel important” Louis said laughing lightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling” Anne said, enveloping him into a big hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her back tightly. Anne had been a mum to him for five years, even more so when he and Harry dated. It wasn’t quite the same as hugging his mum but Anne’s hugs were a good second. They made him feel safe and warm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Robin called out, walking over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no please sit” Louis said, he walked over to Robin, not wanting to disturb him, </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Robin looked like Robin and Louis didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse. Robin hugged him tightly and Louis hugged back just as tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to see you” Robin said happily as he pulled back from Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt every emotion in his body betray him and he felt like he was going to cry and throw up. He thought he could do this, push aside his feelings for the afternoon. He was worried that once he saw Robin he wouldn’t be able to keep it together but no matter how many pep talks he gave himself, it didn’t work. Louis quickly untangled himself from the hug and ran off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me” Louis said quickly. He ran into the bathroom and shut the door. He didn’t have anything in his stomach so nothing came up but he leaned over the toilet anyway. He tried to get his breathing under control but it wasn’t working, he was panicking and he felt like shit about it because it was supposed to be a happy lunch and he was panicking because he was panicking. He stood up and splashed some cold water on his face and got out of his jumper. There was a soft knock on the door and he debated whether or not to open in. He didn’t look up and he could no longer tell who it was by the steps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really nothing I haven’t seen even if you were on the toilet” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma. Of course she’d follow him. She had the unfortunate please of walking in on him and Harry more than once and clearly had no qualms about walking in on Louis in the toilet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” She said gently, putting her hand on his shoulder. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He shook his head and squeezed his eyes tight, he figured maybe if he closed them, Gemma would go away. He brought a hand up and jabbed some fingers at his eyes, thinking that would make things better.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Gemma said, she turned him around and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I’m sorry” Louis said buring his face in her shoulder. He let himself be hugged by Gemma, holding on to her just as tight. He tried to use all of his willpower to keep himself together. He’d promised himself he’d be there for Harry and his whole family like Harry had been there for him and his. But there were too many emotions between losing his mum and now Robin facing the same fate, he wasn’t sure how he could handle all of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Louis mumbled into her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know if he was sorry for not being as close to them all or sorry about Robin or sorry about his reaction but it was the only words he could find. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, no it’s okay.” Gemma said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I don’t fucking know.” Louis mumbled</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Gemma said gently, breaking out of their hug and putting her hands on his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis jammed his fingers in his eyes and wiped a few tears but eventually looked at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, you just found out. You’ve been through a lot. Mum was surprised you wanted to come so soon. Regardless of what happened between you and Harry, you’re still family Louis and judging by your reaction you feel the same way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was nervous, just didn’t expect to react like that” Louis said, shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you come out of the bathroom and have some tea.” Gemma offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I should just go” Louis said, grabbing his jumper. He was standing without a top on and suddenly got self conscious </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No stay, we want you to stay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robins the one that’s fucking sick and I’m the one that losses it.” Louis scoffed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s okay.” Gemma said hugging him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiggled out of her grasp, mad at himself that he lost control of his emotions so easily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cuppa will fix it, come on” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I’m just embarrassed” Louis said, face going pink </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t me and you sit outside for a little, let you calm down. I’ll meet you in the back garden.” Gemma said. Louis knew she wasn’t taking no for an answer so he nodded. As he was about to walk out, Gemma lightly tugged his arm. He turned back around and she was smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not the most embarrassing way I’ve found you before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck off” Louis said rolling his eyes, but giving her a smirk.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma slipped him out of the house without him seeing Robin or Anne. He probably would have left if his keys weren’t inside. He sat waiting on the patio furniture, biting his nails. He saw Gemma come out with some water biscuits and their tea. He was still a little shaky and figured it had to do with his lack of food that day. He shivered and finally popped his jumper back over his head. His coat had been discarded in the house earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding, wrapping his hands around the mug </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry. Don’t know what the fuck happened” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” Gemma said putting her hand on top of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop looking at me like that” Louis said. He felt like she was staring into his soul and it freaked him out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this face better suited to your liking?” Gemma deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re fine, I’m just prickly I guess” He said shrugging again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat next to him and hugged him again. He felt his eyes starting to water and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to face Anne and Robin ever again. Gemma rubbed her hand up and down his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t wanna fucking cry me eyes out again.” Louis sniffed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, maybe you need it. Fucking cry if you need to.” Gemma said, she hugged him tighter which made him cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stopped fighting his tears and just let them come. He couldn’t even really tell Gemma why he was crying, there were too many things running through his brain and he felt himself panicking again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright” She soothed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking right mess I am” Louis mumbled out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let Gemma hug him and he let himself cry, finally feeling like he could regain his composure he pulled back and took a sip of tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” She asked, looking him over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” He nodded, wiping his eyes with his sleeve </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” He said again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop fucking apologizing” She siad, rolling her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Robin okay? He’s not mad is he?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma could see the worry on his face and she softened instead of giving him some sarcastic reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s fine, Lou. Just worried about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should’ve fucking kept it togehter” Louis said shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Least your not yelling at him for getting cancer. We had bets whether or not it’d be your temper or emotions that’d get you.” Gemma smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never get mad at him over that.” Louis said sadly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not mad at him, but we all know that you have a temper when it comes to the people you care about and protecting them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel any better? Not gonna get sick all over the lunch table?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, sorry about that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma just gave him a look and he was about to apologize again when he stopped himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling, are you alright?” Anne asked, walking out with a coat for him and Gemma. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good, I’m good. Sorry about that” Louis said, gesturing to the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma give us a moment?” Anne asked her oldest </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma nodded and took the now empty mugs back inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright darling?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding. “Didn’t eat breakfast today, probably just hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Louis” Anne said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Louis said, hugging her tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have nothing to be sorry for. We’ve all cried a fair amount as well. We’ve had some time to come to terms with it. My darling son just dropped this on you. We didn’t expect you to be okay with it all. You need time to process it too. I know it’s not easy after losing your mum.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trying to be there for him like he was for me. Doing a shit job, I know” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you’re not. Louis you know you’re family, all you boys are. You especially. I know there was a time you thought you and Harry would be together forever, and that meant getting us all as well. You and Robin always got on well, and it’s okay if it feels like you’re losing another parent of sorts.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does, guess I just didn’t understand how to word it. Feels like I don’t deserve to be sad. I dug my grave now I have to lay in it.” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you do, Louis. Louis that love you have for people just doesn't go away. It’s okay to feel sad. Harry waited to tell you because he knew it would hurt you. He knew it would affect you. None of us expected you to be like oh alright. We knew it would take time for you to process, we know you wouldn’t be okay with it. Harry wasn’t when you told him about Jay. He tried to hide it from you, but ask Gemma. He felt like he was losing a mum too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I didn’t know he felt that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Anne’s turn to roll her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two have been through alot together personally and professionally, I’d be concerned if it didn’t bother either of you.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you’re right.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I know Jay taught you better than that. Mums are always right” Anne said smiling at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said giving her a small smile “She was” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need some more time? Or are you ready to go in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I’m ready, starting to get cold out here. Just, Anne, he looks like him, he doesn’t look sick and I think that was the hardest part. Because he shouldn’t be suffering and sick. Kinda just all hit me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He has his days, he’s been more at peace since he made a decision. He’s had more good days, and he was excited to see you and hear about Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I fucked it up” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You did not. Now we’re going to go in and eat and then you’re going to stay the night. You seem exhausted. And we miss you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t impose” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not. I offered” Anne smiled at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, hugging her tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. Louis felt better and they headed back inside. He put emotions to the back burner. Robin said he had gotten hungry and dug into the bakery items that Louis had brought and told him they’d have a chat later.  Louis just smirked when he saw the box he labeled Robin was already open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They finally sat down to a late lunch and Louis knew Gemma was trying to read him but he had relaxed into the situation and was able to have a good time. They told him about what they had been up to and he told him that he had been writing again and they were just waiting on another voice for it. He told them about Freddie and the disaster of Cliff knocking Freddie over and Harry adopting the silliest voice possible so Freddie would forgive Cliff. Anne told him she was glad that they were able to see each other more now, that she knew how much Harry missed him. They finished up lunch and Robin asked if he could talk to Louis now, Louis nodded and said yes after he finished helping clean up from lunch and Anne just motioned him to the sitting room with Robin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you Louis?” Robin asked relaxing into his chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat in the chair next to him and turned the water glass in his hand around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I guess. Um I’ve got me good days and some days that are a little harder.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t we all” Robin said sadly “Now, tell me how’s Freddie at footie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis smirked and let out a small laugh, relaxing. “Better than Harry so far” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I”m not surprised” Robin said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s mostly got the walking thing down, it’s just the rest of it we’re working on” Louis said smiling </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Harry or Freddie’s working on it?” Robin asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both” Louis said laughing </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He pulled out his phone and showed Robin the video Harry took of Louis teaching Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper little lad” Robin said, approving </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he’s the best” Louis said proudly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem happy with him” Robin </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie or Harry?” Louis said with a self deprecating laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both” Robin said firmly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked down but nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis can a man that’s lived a good life give you some advice?” Robin asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need to be the one to tell you to hold the people you love a little closer every day, but I do think I need to tell you that it’s okay to stop punishing yourself. Indulge a dying man?” Robin asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Louis said, still not used to that </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“We all go at some point, Louis. It’s why it’s important to do what makes you happy and gives your life fulfillment and joy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and Robin continued. “When I met you, you were a silly eighteen year old with your whole life ahead of you. You were just you and I know certain powers forced you into a role and there were fall outs from that. And I know you’ve been through hell and back this past year. But Louis, life is short and it’s worth living and I know Harry just told you and you’re allowed to feel what you need to feel, but don’t let all of that stop you from being happy. Don’t let other people tell you how to be you. Only you can do that. The Louis I first met is still in there, son, I know it is. Don’t be afraid of him. And this isn’t me telling you what to do with your relationship with Harry, this is me telling you to go after everything you want. Your face lights up when you talk about your son, and I know how happy you are when you’re with him, don’t let yourself settle for anything less than that same happiness.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis listened to every word Robin said to him. Robin had been a dad to him, and he did feel like he was losing another parent. He knew what Robin meant. Harry must have told Robin about that conversation, which did mildly annoy him, he didn’t think everyone needed to know he still blamed himself. Louis sniffled and wiped his eyes, looking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I don’t even know how this is my life. The good or the bad.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Things can change quickly, dare I say just how fast the night changes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh God, not you too.” Louis said rolling his eyes “Thought it was only Niall that went around quoting One Direction.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper fan, can’t help it” Robin smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis laughed and smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry about everything” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No but it’s all shit.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is” Robin said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think H’ll be worth more than me one he drops that album of his, but if you need anything, please don’t ever hesitate.” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Louis.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked around awkwardly and Robin knew he had more to say. “Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um yea, I haven’t exactly told Harry this yet, but I’m worried I won’t be able to be there for him, like was for me. Pretty sure I would have completely lost the plot if it wasn’t for him. Me sisters listen to him when they wouldn’t listen to me and he intercepted a few tense moments when mum was sick. I’m scared I won’t be able to do the same for him. That it’ll be too much and I’ll let him down again.” Louis said looking away. He couldn’t believe he just said that to Robin, the man who was sick and dying and here Louis was whining about his problems. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, you won’t let him down.” Robin said firmly, leaving no room for Louis to argue but he was Louis so he’d question it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you know better than anyone what this is like. Frankly your mum and I have the easy job, everyone takes care of us and we leave you all in a mess. Harry will know if you’re just being, excuse my language but a dickhead or if you honestly need to step back for your own health.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was shocked that Robin just uttered the phrase dickhead and he tried to hide his smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s just a tad dark, Robin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s true, you all are left to pick up the pieces and heal. It’s dark but quite frankly true.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head. “No you have the hard job too. Saw mum do it and she was so strong for all of us. Dunno how she did it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was a strong mum, passed that on to you too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, I still miss my parents and they’ve been gone for a bit of time now. It’s okay to miss your mum.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I’m probably out of line here, but what else is known at this point. But um, Harry’s struggling with everything. Doesn't know how to voice it. Think he needs to be strong for Anne. Just worried about him.” Louis said, his voice wobbly, scared he shouldn’t be sharing this with Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you told me. I know you were expecting me sicker, but I got all the opinions and like I said, we all go at some point. Do I wish I had more time, yes. Do I wish I could get to see my children grow old and get married or sell out more stadiums or do whatever makes them happy, yes. But sometimes it doesn't always work that way. But I trust what I’ve taught all of them will help them through those times, and Harry’s my youngest, step child or not. And I know he grew up fast and left far earlier than any of us expected, but I know he’ll be okay because he has a lot of people that love him for just being Harry. The same clumsy kid I’ve loved since he still had a bedtime. I’m confident in my relationships with my family and friends to know that they will get through their sadness but I’m not fully gone. Just like your mum isn’t fully gone. Her and I talked about it in the weeks before she passed and we both agreed that the love we had for our children, nothing can take that away. And she knew all the good qualities that we instilled in you lot, would carry with you. Louis I know it’s hard, but we’re never truly gone.” Robin said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was fighting his tears and Robin opened his arms and Louis hugged him tightly, and Robin hugged him just as tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be okay Louis, with time, it’ll be okay. And until it’s okay, you need to let some people in to help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis said sitting back down, wiping at his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now stop apologizing. It’s okay to feel things. It’s healthy. Now I love your visits but if they are going to be pity visits I’ll call Niall or Liam to bring me baked goods.” Robin smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Robin, thank you. For everything” Louis said, hugging Robin tightly again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, Louis.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you really are doing okay? I don’t want to be a burden being here.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you kidding, this is the most excitement I’ve had in weeks. You know we always liked your visits.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I would have been able to keep it together better.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You feel whatever you need to feel, Louis. You’ll never be judged for that with us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we go check on the bakery box and make sure they still taste okay?” Robin asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood up and held out an arm for Robin to get up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Robin said once he was steady </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum usually was lightheaded too when she would standup.” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just remember what we talked about. It’s okay to be sad but if those days are greater than your good days, please let someone know” Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. You always gave us good advice” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, better go make sure the girls didn’t eat the leftovers.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gemma had made dinner and Louis helped, they played a board game and facetimed Harry in to play. Something they started doing when Robin got sick. It quickly turned into Louis and Harry getting very competitive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re definitely cheating, Haz” Louis yelled into the phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can I cheat, I’m not even there” Harry said, laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled his eyes and took his turn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t cheat, Louis” Harry called out over the screen </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma just watched the two of them go back and forth like they did when they were teenagers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t bloody cheat” Louis said, huffing harshly. “Offended you would even think that!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne and Robin both muffled their laughs since Louis and Harry were taking this game of Monopoly very seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, now you can’t have all the red spaces” Louis said, throwing money at Gemma, the banker. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Lou, you’re broke you don’t have enough.” Gemma said, she was trying to be as serious as Louis and Harry but she couldn’t hold back her laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the” Louis said taking it back and counting it </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was hysterically laughing over the screen and Louis just stuck his tongue out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry Lou” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure the cat stole some of money” Louis said, folding his arms </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that’s it” Gemma deadpanned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we call a Mulligan and go to bed. I’m knackered.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis calmed down immediately and nodded. He and Gemma cleaned up and Robin and Anne whished them all goodnight. Harry said he was going to Jeffs for dinner so he also needed to go. Louis and Gemma cleaned up and Gemma made them some tea. Louis headed outside for a cigarette and soon enough Gemma followed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea. Just needed some air.” Louis said, taking a long drag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma sat outside on the lounger next to him and set their teas on the table. She had brought a blanket for both of them, and spread it around them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say whatever’s on your mind Gems” Louis said, stubbing out his cigarette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Two things” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Naturally” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First, that shit is awful for you.” Gemma said, pointing to his box and lighter on the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m aware” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it was nice to see you and Harry being yourselves again, even if it was over a mobile screen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma, do I really need to give you the whole we’re just trying to be friends speech?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry talks to me you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured, you are his sister” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He told me what you did, what you did for all of them.” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, that” Louis said, he grabbed the mug of tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma always had a way of getting him to talk and apparently it was still true. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why Louis? Why put yourself through that?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam needed out, whether he was drinking too much because of the hiatus or the stress I’m not even sure he knows, but he needed out. His breakup fucked with him and I knew how bad he had gotten. I wouldn’t let him out of me sight at a bar. He usually got drunk on our own before we even went out so I’d get him water and tell him it was vodka. Or got him fake beer. Harry needed out to be able to be himself, to be free to do whatever the fuck he wants. And Niall, Nialler was trying to keep up all together and the stress was killing him, the crowds and mobs, it was awful for his anxiety.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you?” Gemma asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felt like I fucked up enough, that I owed them. I couldn’t protect Zayn, I could at least still protect the other three.” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you regret it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Regret seeing them all do better, fuck no. But maybe getting meself stuck in it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why though, I guess what made you think it was good for you? You weren’t exactly in the best place either that last year and a half.” Gemma asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I knew what it felt like to know always know who you were or to get all the hate, didn’t want them to have to deal with that.” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, my darling idiot, you did everything you could for them, you didn’t have to save them all by yourself.” Gemma said  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up enough. Running me mouth got me in trouble and I’m the only one to blame for that but at the time I was convinced Harry would never speak to me again after we went our own ways and I wasn’t okay with that. I hated how things ended, how we couldn’t even talk to each other unless we were taking each other’s clothes off. Neither of us knew what to say or do and sleeping together wasn’t the answer. And then that stopped and I mean you know how he’s just born for this whole thing. And if we couldn’t talk while we were still in the same band. There was no hope to talk after it. Zayn leaving made all of us realize we needed each other. And at least we were on friendly terms, we could joke around, and I thought maybe that was enough.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was it?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sitting in his childhood home with his sister, what do you think” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re gonna ask anyway” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you didn’t have that bloody contract, would you date another boy?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged and scuffed the toe of his Vans on the patio. “He was the only boy I liked, not sure it would ever happen again, or if I would let meself. I think part of the reason I agreed to everything was because I knew it wouldn’t be a problem in the future. Not like I want to date another bloke so I wasn’t worried about that restriction. I didn’t think they’d keep pushing a girlfriend, it is normal to be single.  But I don’t think I knew then how much management fucked with my head. Did he tell you how I felt guilty everytime we did anything in the end? I couldn’t live with that feeling so I figured doing this was justification for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Gemma said sadly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, I don’t need pity okay. A lot more shit has happened since then. I fucking hate pity, can’t stand it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Gemma said “I don’t like this overly mature version of you, miss the stupid pranks you used to pull” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too tired for pranks now” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I say no, will you actually not ask it?” Louis asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll probably still ask” Gemma said, giving him a small laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knew it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so against talking to someone?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking loaded question, love.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you have trust issues” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No shit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have people I can talk to” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it only works when you actually use words to tell them how you feel” Gemma said, smirking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Piss off” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“People worry because they care” Gemma said, wrapping an arm around him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said, nodding, leaning into her. “I have been feeling a little better. Well till your stupid brother told me about Robin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There wasn’t a good time to share it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that” Louis said, nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, if you need to walk away, it’s okay. Harry might be mad now, but he will understand it. You need to stop ignoring yourself for everyone else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m okay for now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I know you, and I know that you won’t walk away, you’ll stay with him through this because you think you owe it to him or us. And you’ll end up hurting yourself” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t” Louis said “I can’t, I can’t do that to Freddie.” “But I’m here, for all of you. I know how hard all this. Niall will listen to all of his bad jokes and Liam will talk about whatever he wants but neither of them know how fucking hard it is. If you want me to go now that’s on you. But he helped me, Gemma, I can’t just walk away.” Louis said. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn’t entire sure he was ready to handle this but he he couldn’t just walk away from Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence, Louis processing that Gemma knew the interworking of his brian again and Gemma was thinking over everything Gemma had said to her. How they both still had pain for their past, but it wasn't directed at each other and that gave her hope. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So how’s that boyfriend of yours treating you? He’s treating you properly?” Louis asked  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Gemma said rolling her eyes and laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you dating anyone, did I see it right you and Eleanor got back together?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not actually. Just for show.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Louis” Gemma said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to date anyone right now. I knew they were going to make me date someone since Dani and I broke up in December and with the airport shit. Oli fought it for me but as usual, management won. At least I’m friends with her, you know what I mean?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You shouldn’t have to deal with it” Gemma said, hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine” Louis said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day Louis, you need to let yourself have everything you want. You deserve it.” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Gemma said, knowing he was over this conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how was it being with the boys again? Talk about the good old days?” Gemma asked, laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had to calm Payno down about having a kid, but it was good to all be together” Louis said “What else did your stupid brother tell you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just he enjoyed being back with you all, messed you lot. Missed you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed him too” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a few minutes before Gemma spoke up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He misses you, you know.” Gemma said gently “He told me despite everything, he wants to give it another go.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not some footie shot you get multiple tries with, if you fuck it up you take it again. Everyone keeps telling me I need to fucking take care of meself and in order to take care of meself, I can’t be with him. I can’t do that to either of us.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s very private now, Louis, you know he wouldn’t mind the secret.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would” Louis said quietly “I don’t wanna feel like I’m doing something wrong again. It would only end in one or both of us getting hurt and I’m not fucking doing it again. I couldn't deal with losing him again.” Louis said, feeling his voice catch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, Louis.” Gemma said trying to hug him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t” Louis said, voice horse </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you still love him?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ask me that.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two accepted each other despite you both being teenage dorks with questionable clothes.” Gemma said. It got the reaction she wanted and it got Louis to laugh. “Something like that is special, Louis. And maybe now you are in different places, but there’s a reason we all think you’ll end up together at some point and if it doesn’t happen until you’re wearing adult nappies and have dentures then it’ll be worth it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sighed, he was frustrated that no one seemed to be listening to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So he told you about LA?” Louis guessed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was it as good as you remember?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis let out a laugh he didn’t know he was holding in. He looked and Gemma and she could see his face turn a slight shade of red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kissed your stupid brother or your stupid brother kissed me but there was snogging and kisses and it felt so fucking right and so wrong all at the same time. It shouldn’t have been that easy to let him in mine and Freddie’s life, but it fucking was. And I can’t do that right now, I can’t Gemma. I can’t fucking keep meself together half the time let alone me son and sisters and brother. Our lives are very different and I won’t let myself or Freddie get hurt. Come on Gemma, we both know it wouldn’t work right now. The hiding and the secrets, it broke us before, I won’t let it happen again. I can’t keep him from being who he is. I won’t, so stop fucking pushing it.” Louis said angrily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma reached a hand out to him but he shrugged it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. He’ll be happy with the model, they can go out to a restaurant, or his fucking movie premire or anywhere. You don’t have your flat anymore for us to hide out in.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still feeling things about it but knew Gemma wasn’t the person to take it out on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why he told me he was still going out with the model.” Gemma said piecing it all together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Us both being single will not benefit our friendship. We both know we couldn’t just be friends after we broke up for good. I mean yea, Niall wrote Temporary Fix about it and got a banger of a song but Harry and I were either at each other’s throats or taking each other’s clothes off. There was no in between. We both were angry and petty and that can’t happen again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, right. What did you call him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Arrogant son of a bitch” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean at that moment you weren’t wrong” Gemma offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want us to be friends, I miss that easiness with him. I think that’s partly where our relationship went wrong. It was always work and fighting management which led us to be angry at each other and I think we lost some of what made us, us. When I started feeling guilty about everything I stopped talking to him and telling him shit. It’s when we stopped being friends I guess. I felt like I couldn’t tell him and maybe I shouldn’t have tried to protect him as much, but we were kids Gems, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wish you two would have told us all how bad it was.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged, knowing it wouldn’t have changed anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you able to handle just being friends with him?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess I’ll find out” Louis said, lighting another cigarette </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you can always talk to me, right?” Gemma asked seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could see how much was weighing on him and how he felt like he needed to take care of everyone and she was worried that his own mental health would suffer because of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Louis said, he looked her in the eye and she knew he meant it. “Still just blurt everything out when I’m around you. Didn’t plan on unloading all that tonight.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess you needed to” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Gemma” Louis said hugging her </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna watch a movie and then go to bed?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Weird sleeping in that room again.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can have mine if you want” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be fine” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, you pick. Anything but Grease.” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it’s my favorite” Louis said, collecting his mug and heading inside </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Gemma said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two will be okay, we’ll all be okay” Gemma said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her tightly back before they went in to put on a movie. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis finally gets to go home!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So sorry for the delay. Things got a little crazy again. It's not easy having a family member in the hospital for non covid things with the covid restrictions. I just was struggling writing so hopefully this chapter isn't too bad. I promise it'll get better!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had a pleasant morning with Robin, Anne and Gemma. He was on his way to pick up Fizzy from her boarding school. When he called to sign her out they said they always wanted to talk to him. His mum had put him as one of people they were allowed to discuss her education with and he really didn’t think he’d be called to the headmaster’s office so soon. She was smart, probably too smart since school bored her. He understood that, he used school as more of a social outing than anything, never quite living up to potential as people told him. He packed and got his ID out and went into the reception area to wait for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Tomlinson?” A woman in her fifties asked after he signed in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said standing up. Even though he knew he wasn’t in trouble a cold sweat crossed over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m the headmaster here, please follow me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis noted she seemed friendly enough and thought maybe Fizzy wasn’t in too much trouble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please have a seat, can I get you anything?” She asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thank you, I’m alright.” Louis said sitting down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you all doing, I know your mum being ill and her passing away couldn’t have been easy for any of you.” She said kindly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was not what he was expecting. Maybe she wasn’t the disciplinarian type.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re uh managing, thank you. Some days are easier than others.” Louis said honestly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure, I lost my father when I was quite young as well. It’s never easy” She sympathized </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not.” Louis said honestly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Tomlinson, I do however need to discuss Felicite with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, please” Louis said feeling awkward and far older than he actually was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, you understand we have a zero drug and alcohol policy here for the residents on campus” She said, Louis nodded, hoping this conversation wasn’t going where he now feared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felicite was caught with marajuana several times recently. We have been more lenient with her, given everything she has gone though, however, we cannot keep ignoring this much longer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand” Louis said, nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was caught smoking between classes and several of her teachers reported she was high in class. I know her age group does not think much of it, but we have been trying to figure out who has been selling it on campus. It is a growing problem. Felicite has not caused any problems until now, I’m not sure how aware you are but, we will need to take disciplinary action soon if this continues.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll um, I’ll talk to her, see if I can figure out why and stuff.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had caught her himself but he wasn’t about to rat out his little sister, he may lay into her for doing this shit at school, but he’d do anything to protect her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, she’s facing explosion if this continues. I suggest do more than talk to her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” Louis said nodding, knowing that they weren’t going to continue letting her get away with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Were my grandparents or dad notified?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew she his things from their grandparents and he know Mark was dealing with his own issues, and probably wasn’t the best person to talk to Fizzy right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We had sent a letter to your grandparents but I fear either she or one of your other siblings intercepted it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll talk to her, and explain how serious it is. But please don’t force her out. I’m still trying to convince her to continue with sixth form but I don’t think she wants to. I know her grades weren’t as good in the fall term, but she has improved this term.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I said, we’ve been lenient with her, but she’s running out of second changes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand, thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If she needs more time, or someone to talk to we can arrange it here. No one would have to know outside of the appropriate people. I know she’s very private with this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll tell her, thank you. Thank you for caring about her too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. We should head back to the office, she should be out of class by now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said shaking her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t anything he was expecting today, but he wouldn’t let Fizzy suffer alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was returned to the main office and plopped back into a chair, he scrubbed a hand over his face and turned his phone around in his hands, he wasn’t sure how to handle this, or what to say. He didn’t want to scare her off, but this was something he needed to talk to her about. He hated that the line between parent and sibling is now blurred, he wanted to be her mischievous older brother, not the one making sure that she didn’t get herself into trouble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“LOU!” Fizzy called out, jogging over to him with her travel bag and backpack</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz” Louis said. He closed the distance between them and hugged her tightly, she held onto him like her life depended on it and he hugged her with everything he had in him. He took her travel bag and backpack from her and thanked the receptionist and they headed out to his Range Rover. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you.” Fizzy said getting in </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put her bags into the boot and got into the drivers seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too” Louis said “I’m glad you’re coming home this weekend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Fizz?” He asked, she could see the concern on his face but she just nodded her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since it was a half day, why don’t we get some takeaway and go have a picnic, hangout just me and you?” He asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy nodded and Louis started driving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they got close enough to home they got takeaway from Nandos and Louis went to a park on the outskirts of Donny and parked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So much better than school food” Fizzy said, unwrapping hers </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked her over for a second, he noticed how young she still looked in her uniform, how tired she looked. He knew she wasn’t okay and he felt like shit that he didn’t pick up on it sooner, that he didn’t push her sooner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to talk. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Louis said after he had unwrapped his lunch </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Louis” She said rolling her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we all talked to mum about everything, I’m just saying you can talk to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum already had the period talk and the sex talk with me, I’m fine.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis suppressed and eye roll, if anyone could match him in sarcasm and wit it was Fizzy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just saying, no matter what it is you can come to me. No judgment. I might not always like it, but you can talk to me. I know you have Lottie but you have me too.” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what brand of tampons do you recommend then?” Fizzy deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked, trying not to laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said I can talk to you about anything. Would you like a rundown list of all the guys I’ve snogged or do you want to compare tampon brands first?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz” Louis said, he was trying not to get frustrated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You asked for this conversation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not entirely what I meant, love” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what did you mean? Fuck Louis, couldn’t we just have had a nice lunch” Fizzy said, shoving food into her mouth </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see she was trying to not cry and he put his hand on her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz” He tried again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up at him and he saw the tears threatening to fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got out of the car and walked over to her side. The park was empty except for a mum with a toddler and dog so he lead her over to the bench by the car and sat her down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on” He said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She buried her face in her hands and Louis hugged her tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, love.” Louis said hugging her. He rubbed her back and just let her cry. “I’m right here” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt her shudder against him so he just let her cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her” Fizzy mumbled against his chest </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I miss her too. So much.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It shouldn’t have been her. Should’ve been me or something” She said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey no” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He met her eye and just shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I felt the same way, though it all. That it should be me and not her, and she told me I was crazy for thinking that. That everyone would have been just as upset. So no Fizz, you can’t go down that path. You have your whole life in front of you, darling. Mum wouldn’t want you to think that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It hurts Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know” Louis said, hugging her tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped her eyes and cheeks with his jumper sleeve and hugged her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy, you are smart and funny and beautiful and caring and I love you very much. I don’t want you going through all of this alone. I know I shut everyone out and I never meant for you to think you couldn’t come to me. You know I’m only a phonecall away. Doesn’t matter what fucking time zone. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. I always want you to be able to talk to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy nodded and fiddled with her jumper sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Fizzy said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Fizz. Always remember that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Fizzy said hugging him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna go back and eat?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and walked back to the car </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave her a second before he followed her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good?” Louis asked her as she took another bite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and he started on his again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe another sex talk wouldn’t have been the worst thing” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis choked on his food and Fizzy started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you but eat your fucking food” Louis said shaking his head but giving her a smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ate and chatted and Louis knew he needed to bring up the weed before they went home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was serious about earlier, you can talk to me about anything. I talked to mum about pretty much anything and everything. She never made it awkward, she always listened and I took that for granted for the longest while. I’d do anything to be able to have another conversation with her. But I can’t and that fucking sucks that I can’t change that. So I just want you to know that I won’t make it awkward or judge you. I’ll help you the best I can or give you advice, I understand now how great it was that I had that relationship with mum. I just want to make sure that you know you have that too.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got me, you’ve always got me” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing you’re not so bad” Fizzy said, giving him a small smirk </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Piss off, you” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I gave you shit for not being here for mum’s birthday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being home just feels weird now. You’re not there. Dais and Phee are at Nan and Granddad’s and we don’t see the twins as much now. Lottie lives with Lou. And now without mum, it’s not the home I’m used to.” Fizzy admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum used to tell me that home wasn’t a physical place but the place where the people you love are. And I get it feeling different. I didn’t get to come home much and it was always different whenever I came home but it was home, because all of you were there. And after mum you lot moved, it didn’t matter that it wasn’t the house I grew up in. I think now we just make Nan and Granddad’s house feel like home. I’m sure they’d like that too. I’ll do better with making sure I come back more. I won’t try to shut all of you out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a good brother, Louis.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just doing my job” Louis said, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So these conversations with mum? What did you talk to her about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well she was the one that basically told me I liked Haz, so there’s that. Told her the first time I had sex when I was sixteen. Told her everything Fizz. That’s why I told you, you can tell me anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And how’d she react when you told her you got your first period?” Fizzy asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna drop you back at school” Louis said, laughing, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep mocking me and I just might” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I had mum for somethings at least.” Fizzy said sadly “You really were that open about everything?” Fizzy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it was just her and I for awhile before I got stuck with more sisters than I knew what to do with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love us” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I do” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I was closer in age to her than I am to Doris and Ernie. Weird when you think about it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never even lived with them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s something I wish we had done differently. Been able to come home more, seen you all more. Everytime I came home you were all older and taller and I felt like I was just dropping in and out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We never felt that way. We knew you were living your dreams, we’re so proud Louis. Even if we take the piss out of you for it. We missed you but you were doing what you needed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, voice husky with emotion </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I’ll always love and support you. And I know you don’t want to go to sixth form, but I still think you should consider it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice transition” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy, I’m serious. I also um had a chat with your headmaster today. She asked to talk to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great” Fizzy said rolling her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz this is serious, expulsion is on the table if you don’t get your shit together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I only have a few months left.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright yea, but don’t fuck it up now. They seem to have cut you several breaks, don’t fuck that up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You going to class high is not fine” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was one time” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One time too many!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re seriously gonna lecture me on weed” Fizzy said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz that was different” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t at school and I was a hell of a lot older than sixteen” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You posted it on the internet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a long story” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it is” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy your actions have consequences. Mine did. Fucked us all up for a little in the media. And you don’t know the full story, okay. But Fizz, doing it at school and before class is not okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you keep doing it. I asked you to cut that shit out back in December when I caught you with it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It helps” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Helps what, talk to me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Helps how I feel” Fizzy said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz that’s not the way to do that” Louis said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not whatever. Fizzy what’s going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just sad I guess. Sometimes it would numb me enough to go to school, okay.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Fizz” Louis said shocked. He knew she was having the hardest time but he didn’t know it was that bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, no. It’s not fine. Fizzy you shouldn’t want to be that numb. Why didn’t you say anything” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy, I can get someone for you to talk to. Maybe it would help.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. You know it’ll get out. Ex One Direction member sister’s fucked up. There’s your headline.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felicite, your health is far more important than anything and I will take you to the most discreet place I can find. If you need help, I’ll get it for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you do, you’ll have it. I’ll do anything to help you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to be careful, you don’t know what people are mixing with the weed. You’re not doing anything more right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Fizzy said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sleeping and eating okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Fizzy. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Lotts know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz I need more than one word answers.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want me to say, sometimes it’s too hard to get out of bed so I smoke a little because it clears my head enough to fucking go to class. Sleeping is fucked up so I’m always tired and then I’m too tired to be hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy” Louis said shocked and sad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, you’re not fine. But I’ll help you however I can.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Fizzy said putting her face in her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got out again and opened her door and hugged her tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just let me help you.” Louis said hugging her. “I’ve got you, you’re okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Fizzy” Louis said, kissing the top of her head. She may be taller than him, but she was still his little sister and would always protect her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we should go home now?” He asked, once she stopped crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went and got back into the drivers seat and drove the short distance to their grandparents house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready for us all to be home?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so. I think I need it this weekend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m around for another few weeks before I go back to see Freddie. Once your term is over for the summer, you should come with me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think some LA sun could do you some good.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’ll turn into another fight this weekend so before we go in can I ask you something?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said, wondering what they hadn’t already discussed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s about sixth form.” Fizzy said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you need to go” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going” Fizzy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you said earlier to think about it and I’ve thought about it Lou, and school bores me. What I want to do I’m not going to learn there. I want to design and create, not deal with maths and shit. Please Louis, I need you to back me up on this. I have ideas and plans and things I know I want to do. I don’t need sixth form for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fiz” Louis said, growing frustrated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please be on my side with this. I haven’t really ever loved school, I like doing things not being talked at. You know this and after mum died, I don’t to go to school. I get these pity looks and I hate it. Please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy that’s not my decision, you have to talk to dad and Nan and Grandad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if you agree with me then it’ll make it easier. Lottie didn’t go either she went on tour with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea she worked for Lou she wasn’t just tagging along.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please listen to me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” Louis said, conceding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna ask if I could come live with you, shadow some designers and get to know it. School’s always there but I have these opportunities now. Let me try it, please. And I’d be living with you, if you’ll let me.” Fizzy explained </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to give me more information. I’m not opposed to you living with me. But Fizzy you know I’d be responsible for you. It wouldn’t just be you doing whatever you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When did you get responsible?” Fizzy shot back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I became a dad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lame” Fizzy said, rolling her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz, you’re still a minor, love. I only want what’s best for all of you, I’m just worried that you are making a decision because you don’t like school. I quite liked sixth form, it’s what led me to audition for the x-factor. Without it, I wouldn’t have been in Grease and I probably wouldn’t have auditioned.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what I want to do though, I have a whole plan. I just knew no one was listening.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll listen okay. Open mind and everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you know you can always live with me. I’d never tell you no” He said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, we better go see everyone.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had been sitting in the driveway for a little now and Louis figured his Nan was wondering what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said as he got their bags at of the boot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry about Robin. I know Harry finally told you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sucks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His conversation with Fizzy had done a full 360 that afternoon and he wasn’t up for a emotional chat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so. Visiting with them yesterday was good. Bit emotional but it was nice to be back with them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can talk to me about it, you know that right” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have enough going on” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, but you can. I know you, and I know you’ll keep it all in for Harry’s sake. So I’m here, if you need me to be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said nodding</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis and FIzzy made their way into his grandparents house. The twins were still at school and Dan was dropping the younger twins off after work. His Nan greeted him with a big hug and his Granddad did the same. No matter how old he was, he loved spending time with them. They were some of his favorite people in the entire world. He loved that they still had a room for him in their house. It wasn’t the same house that he had grown up knowing. They had moved when his mum was first diagnosed, with enough space for all the kids no matter what would happen. Dad was thinking of selling the house and Louis could understand why. The twins weren’t taking it well and Louis knew things between them and Dan were a little tense. He got him and Fizzy all settled and soon enough Lottie was coming through the door. He wrapped her up in a big hug, glad that they were all back together. He told his Nan he would surprise Phoebe and Daisy and go pick them up after school. He knew he would need to tell Lottie and the twins about Robin but right now he was just happy to be home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you’re home, Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Nan, it’s good to be home” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish you could bring Freddie with you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I asked, it’s just...complicated. But I’m trying to work it out to bring him for a little over the summer. But it depends on Briana I guess.” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, darling?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think so. Been an emotional few weeks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about Robin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should have told me.” He didn’t want to be mad at the ones who knew because he did the same thing with Harry when his mum was sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t our place” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know. It all just sucks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, dear.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright, though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess so. It was hard at first yesterday but then it got better and it was nice being back with them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you and Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay. Probably better than we have been in years.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re working things out. It’s important.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Nan” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing in general? You’ve been distant from us, it’s not like you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I think I needed to get me head on properly, I was a little lost for a bit. But Freddie’s alright, you lot are doing alright and I’m working with Fizzy so she’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re home, we all are.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am too” He said hugging her again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They talked some more and soon enough the youngest twins were dropped off and Louis was so excited so see them. They were equally as excited to see him, he scooped them up for a big cuddle and heard all about nursery school, They were three now and Louis honestly had no idea where the time had gone, he spent some time with them before it was time to go surprise the girls at school and pick them up. He asked Fizzy if she wanted to go but she said it would be better for Louis to surprise them since she had just seen them. He made the short drive over to their school and waited with the other parents. He had a jacket and hat on and hoped he wouldn’t be recognized, most people in his hometown were respectful of his privacy and his sisters were young enough that their friends hadn’t been too into One Direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly the students started coming out of the school and he looked around and spotted Daisy. He could see them looking around for his grandparents car and called out to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dais” He said happily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daisy looked up and saw it was Louis and ran towards him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Dais” Louis said hugging her tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Phoebe was right behind her and ran into Louis’ arms as well.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Pheebs” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, what are you doing here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t surprise you two?” Louis asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being back with all of his siblings gave him a warm all over feeling that he couldn't quite describe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you” Phoebe said, hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you lot as well” He said releasing her from the hug </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He got them into his car and they drove home, them filling him in on school and asking about Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long are you home for?” Daisy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A little, I think. Missed you lot. Miss Freddie too. I know me coming and going is hard on all of you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just miss you” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, we get it. Just glad you’re home”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too. I’m sure you’ll be sick of me soon enough and tell me to go back to LA” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never” Daisy said laughing </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They got back to the house and all sat around the family room, his Nan making snacks for them all. He caught Fizzy’s eye and let her know that he wanted to tell Lottie and the twins before he put it off anymore. Fizzy nodded and took the youngest twins outside to play for a little. Louis cleared the snacks and sat on the coffee table with Lottie and the twins on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Girls, um there’s something I need to talk to you about” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked at three of them giving him a quizzical look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Phoebe asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You get anyone else pregnant?” Lottie asked, smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Charlotte” Louis said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just asking” She said laughing at how annoyed he was </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, you know how I went to see Anne and Robin yesterday?” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah” They responded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um well, shit this is harder than I expected. Few weeks ago Haz was over and it seemed like Niall and Liam knew something I didn’t. Then he called me, was all upset one day. I went to his house and um. He told me about Robin. That he has cancer. It’s um, it’s terminal. Like mummy’s was.” Louis said, voice catching in his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, Louis” Lottie said. She moved to hug him and the twins followed suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are they all?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay I guess? Just sucks, we know that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The twins nodded and Louis could tell they were upset. He hugged them again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy found out. Gemma told her, and Anne and Robin told mum and Dad before mum died. Nan and granddad know too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t tell you till recently?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t think I was ready for it. Honestly, probably still not” Louis said, he let out a self deprecating laugh that seemed to be the way he handled things lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, I mean they were like family. It was like nothing changed yesterday when I was there. I know how hard it is, Robin mostly looked like Robin too, which I don’t know if that was better or worse.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You understand it better than anyone, you’re good at helping us through.” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be good for Harry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I”m glad you two are so sure” He said giving them a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was your best friend, right? Best friends don’t just go away like that” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had some idea of his and Harry’s actual relationship but he hated making them keep it a secret at such a young age. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you’re right” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you two go check on Fizzy outside with the twins, we’ll be right there” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The twins listened to Lottie and Louis was stuck with her now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou? Alright?” Lottie asked, gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew he had been putting on a brave front for all of them, and she figured this was bothering him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Louis shrugged “Sucks, you know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Lottie said sadly “How’s Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Upset, angry. No different than we were.” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie just gave him a look that she knew he was lying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly? I don’t know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s understandable” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just sucks you know? Like no one deserves to go through that.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you don’t have to downplay it for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how I feel about it. Like I guess Gemma was right, it does feel like losing another parent in a sense. Lotts you know there was a time where I thought we would have been family.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I know you’re not actually okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was there for us when mum was sick, he watched the twins, brought us food and shit to the hospital, brought me clothes at the end. Robin was sick for all of that, and he did anything we needed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He kept you somewhat sane” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea go with somewhat” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you worried about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That I’ll fuck it up when he needs me the most, that I won’t be able to handle it. Because we both know I’m taking it day by day. I feel like I haven’t figured meself out yet, and now he’s going through the same thing and I don’t want to be the one to make it worse.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do the rest of the boys know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno about Zayn but Liam and Niall do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do they know how you’ve been feeling?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, they do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just talk to them, fucking talk to me. You’ve been on both sides, you know he’ll get angry and moody, so don’t take it personally. But if you’re hurting too much, you need to step back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the thing though, what if I can’t fucking handle it?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie could tell how much he was struggling with this. But she really didn’t know what to tell him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Lou. I think you need to be honest with him and yourself about how much more you can handle.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s the thing, I was a moody dick when mum was sick, especially at the end when I wouldn't leave her. And he just fucking took it all. As soon as I told him she was ill, it was like it was still fucking 2013 and we knew each other better than anyone else. What if I can’t be the same for him?” Louis finally asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be you. And do what you can. And let us in if it’s too much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna go gray if you keep stressing like this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lucky for me I’ll just have me sister do me hair everyday” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Lottie said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, I wanna go play footie with E before it’s too dark.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Harry and Louis keep talking to each other.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So sorry for the lack of updates. Things have still be a little crazy for me. I also don't have any more pre-written chapters so I'm hoping it won't take too long. But please let me know what you think!</p><p>Peep the mask joke! Can't wait for 2020 to end, but in all seriousness please wear your masks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had been back home for a few weeks, he had spent more time with his family, was convinced Fizzy was doing a little better and even sat with her when she talked to their grandparents and dad about what she wanted to do instead of sixth form. He was proud of her for figuring it out and making it happen. He still hoped she would have stayed in school, but she had a plan and would be living with him so at least he would be able to spend more time with her. Lottie was also living in London and wasn’t that far from him. He had managed to shoot a whole music video in his hometown, something he never thought would have ever happened. It turned out really well and he was excited. He had been going back and forth between his grandparents and Robin and Anne’s house. Sometimes Harry was there and sometimes he wasn’t, but everything was going okay for the most part. He’d had more good days than bad lately and thought maybe he was finally working through some of his grief. He always missed Freddie, but he was really starting to miss him and wasn’t sure how much longer he could go without seeing him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had picked the twins up from nursery school and was at Dan’s house with them. He was playing outside on the playset and swings and it really made him miss Freddie. They both ask all the time about him, acting as if he was their own little toy doll. He asked Briana if her and Freddie were available for a chat, knowing it wouldn’t last long with how young they all were but knowing it would make his brother and sister happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two wanna talk to Freddie?” Louis asked, pushing them on the swings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie, Freddie” Doris clapped happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See Freddie?” Ernest asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie’s in LA, but we can see him on my phone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ernest seemed a little confused but went back to happily laughing on the swing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly Louis would like to be three again, nothing ever seemed to bother them and they were blissful unaware of anything bad happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis’ phone started ringing and pulled both swings down and got the twins out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look who it is” Louis said sitting with them both on the grass </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey” Louis said answering the facetime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey lad” Louis said, excited to see his son. “Look who I have with me”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew Freddie didn’t know who Doris and Ernie were. He was still a baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You remember Doris and Ernie, right lad?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He listened to Doris and Ernie say hi and gush all over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie knocked the phone out of Briana’s hands and Louis just laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let the twins talk to Freddie and Freddie babbled away. He knew none of them had any idea what the other was saying but it was still cute. After a little bit, he knew it was getting close to nap time for Freddie so he told the twins to get their jackets from next to the swings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey lad, daddy loves you so much. I’ll see you soon.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Briana jumped on then when Freddie was getting close to a strop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey how’s everything?” Briana asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She seemed to have been easier on him since he filled her in on some of the things that had happened in his life. She knew something was up and figured Harry was involved, but Louis hadn’t told her about Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem better” She said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am doing better, I think running from my family wasn’t the answer. But me sisters are doing better and those two are happy and taken care of. It’s been nice to relax a little.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good you needed it. Any plans on when you’re coming back?” Briana asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure yet. I really miss Freddie though, so I don’t think it’ll be much longer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He keep going around saying dada so I think he’s missing you too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck don’t tell me that” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just miss him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for at least attempting to get him to facetime me whenever I want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard sometimes” She said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I”ll give you a heads up before I come back, just so you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I better go get them washed up for dinner, thanks Bri.” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Louis” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She put Freddie back on screen so he could wave goodbye. Louis sat there for a second before he heard the cries of his youngest sister and he got to her quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong darling?” He asked, picking her up. He cuddled her close to him and planted a big dramatic kiss on her cheek to make her feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She fell” Ernie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She fell?” Louis asked wondering if Ernie pushed her </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We running and she fell” Ernie said, looking at Louis like he was crazy since he just told him his twin sister fell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me see” Louis said, looking at her shin. “I think you’re alright, darling” He hugged her again. “Come on love, let’s go inside and clean it up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had a small scrape and it was bleeding but nothing that Louis couldn’t handle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He led them in and got them seated and went to find some band-aids. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright darling, up you go.” Louis said plopping her on the counter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look you’re almost as tall as me” Louis said, trying to distract her from her scrape. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“E, think you can come hold your sister’s hand for me?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ernie nodded and ran over to where they were. Louis helped him up on the counter and smiled when Ernie took Doris’ hand right away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to clean it alright? Might hurt a little.” Louis said, kissing the top of her head. She looked up at him tentatively but nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Squeeze your brother’s hand okay, can squeeze me shoulder too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had enough experience fixing up cuts and scapes that he knew the gentlier the better, but also that distraction was an amazing tool. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you pick out what princess band-aid you want to wear while I clean it, alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and took the box from him. She was still clutching Ernie’s hand but had let go of Louis so he could wash it. He had looked at the box before giving it to her so he could ramble about whatever princesses were on it to distract her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Dot, tell me which one is your favourite.” Louis said as he started to clean her scrape with the solution. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She flinched a little and Louis kept interjecting random princesses and princess facts that he could remember and it distracted her enough. She still had some tears, but they seemed to be easing. He finished cleaning it up and cleaning up her leg and looked up at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I need a decision” He said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This one, pwease” Doris said, handing him the blue princess one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper choice, love.” Louis said putting it on her shin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All better, we didn’t even have to cut your leg off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Doris looked up at him in horror and he realized he probably shouldn’t have said that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m only joking. With the amount of scapres I’ve seen being the oldest I could be a professional at cleaning them up.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both started to laugh and Louis got them off the counter and got them all washed up for dinner and reheated the leftovers Dan had left, thankful he didn’t have to make dinner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Louis” Doris said, hugging his legs </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime, love” Louis said, picking her up for another hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat them at the table with their juice and got all of the food to reheat it.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone started ringing as he was reheating their food. His phone had been on the table but it looked like his sister had already answered it. But in the process she knocked her cup and was about to use steal Ernie’s cup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello...No Doris I got it, I’ll get you more.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, Hi” He still wasn’t even sure who it was, he hadn’t looked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Harry asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Haz, yea sorry. I’m feeding the twins dinner and she spilled her sippy cup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to call back?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you’re fine.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here I have to finish heating the food, watch them” Louis said flipping it to facetime </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say hi to Harry” he told the twins </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Harry talked to them as Louis finished the food and cleaned up the spill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks H” Louis said picking the phone up again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you’re outnumbered Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always have been” Louis said, laughing “Can I call you back a little later? Dan should be home soon” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He said bye to the twins and Louis and Louis hung up, he seemed okay and it didn’t seem urgent, but he didn’t want the twins to think he didn’t want to spend time with them, since he didn’t get to see them that much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ate their dinner together and Louis realized how much he missed his younger siblings. He hadn’t lived in the same house with them other than holidays and he realized he was closer in age to his mum than he was with these two. He hated how he missed seeing them turn into little people but they didn’t seem to resent him for it so maybe it was all in his head. He had cleaned them up from dinner and was playing a game with them when Dan come home. Louis hung out with Dan for a little when he got home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I talk to you about something?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Dan said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how this is going to come off but um I was wondering if we could talk about the twins?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know Dais and Phee were upset with everything that happened and are worried about seeing D and E. Just um, with everything that’s happened, I was wondering if we could talk about what would happen to Doris and Ernie should anything happen? And I wanted to see if there was a way that I could have them if anything were to happen. I promise they would still see your family, I just, it’s that mum died so young and we only knew for a short time. And I’m back and fourth, I just want to make sure.” Louis said, nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was something he’d been thinking about and knew he needed to bring up with Dan. Dan wasn’t that much older than him but then again his mum shouldn’t have died so young either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s a good idea.” Dan said “They clearly adore you, you know how to be a father. We’ll make the changes” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I’m sure it’ll never happen, just to make sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thanks Dan” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hung out with Dan and the twins a little more before he went back to his grandparents, he called Harry back on his way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Harold” Louis said when Harry answered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how are you?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, how are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Robin’s had a rough few days so it’s been stressful” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, H. That sucks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t seen Harry a ton, his album had come out, but he had seen Anne and Robin and knew Robin hadn’t been feeling as well as he had been. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re busy and I hate to ask, but do you think you could come over tomorrow?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea of course, I told you. Anything you need, just ask.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said, voice shaky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew Harry wasn’t telling him something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, what’s going on?” Louis said, knowing he wasn’t telling him everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard, so fucking hard and…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll come tonight. Let me throw some clothes in a bag. Can I stay over?” Louis asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should’ve just told me you needed me tonight, you twat” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t want to take you away from the twins” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, I’m driving back to my grandparents. I should be to your mum’s in less than two hours.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Louis”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime H, you know that. I’ll stay for a few days, yea?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis filled his Nan in on what was going on and packed a bag and headed off to Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got to Harry’s and let himself in. Harry told him that Robin was still in the hospital and Anne was with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Louis asked as Harry brought their teas to the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really” Harry said sitting next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just couldn’t take it anymore at the hospital, it’s so fucking hard. How did you stay so much?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was more scared of what would happen if I left” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was trying to read Harry to see how bad things were but Harry seemed to be crumbling right in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t do it. Gemma’s with mum. But I had to fucking leave.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay, sometimes you need to step away for a little. It’s not easy either way.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were there” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You can’t compare that Harry, trust me, I ran too, it was either I was always there or couldn’t fucking set foot there. You needed some time away, that’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like shit for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you can’t. Don’t put that on yourself. It’s hard enough as it is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should be there, for him and mum” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing what you can, H. Sometimes you need to clear your head.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, what else is going on?” Louis asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put his tea on the table and then put his hand on Harry’s shoulder. He at least knew Harry was holding back from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Louis pushed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry snapped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been through all the emotions you're feeling, it’s okay to be angry and not know why.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just...It must have been how Niall felt, with his claustrophobia. I feel like everything is closing in around me and I’m fucking suffocating from it all. That the more time goes on the closer we are to lose him and the more he starts to suffer. And it feels like everything is just closing in on me and I don’t know how to handle it.” Harry said. He was frustrated and sad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a lot of emotions to process and how you feel can change so quickly. It’s normal how you’re feeling, it sucks but you need to process through everything” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want it all to stop and him to get better” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few tears escaped his eyes and Louis wrapped him in a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to be strong for me H, I’m right here. Cry if you need to.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had been sitting shoulder to shoulder but Louis had turned to face him and pulled Harry in for a cuddle. He hesitated for a second before he relaxed into Louis. He buried his face in Louis’ shoulder and neck and cried. Louis ran a hand up and down his back and cupped the back of his head with his other hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know Harry, I know” Louis said quietly “I’ve got you, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry gripped Louis’ jumper even tighter and held on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay” Louis said to him. He let Harry cry it out, knowing that sometimes it was the only way to feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was crying hard and trying to get words out but they weren’t making any sense to Louis, Louis had seen Harry have a panic attack before, but this wasn’t it. Louis gently ran his fingers through Harry’s hair, it used to help ground him and Louis hoped it would help now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’sorry” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing to be sorry for” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went to sit up but Louis just held on tightly to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay” Louis said, still hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m all snotty, sorry” Harry said wiping his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a one year old remember? Doesn’t exactly bother my anymore” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling now?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit better. Thank you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not easy Harry and sometimes it is overwhelming, and it’ll all just surface at one point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to make us some more tea, I know I know. Decaf since it’s late.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis quickly made new teas and took the blanket from the other chair and put it over their laps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you call me sooner?” Louis asked once he got comfy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you call me anytime you needed to” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, just felt like I would bother you. Seemed like every time I talked to you, you were busy.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit H, I told you that. I called you back as soon as I could earlier.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you were working and I didn’t want to screw that up for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you if you really needed me to call Oli, he had me phone in case you needed me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, just didn’t want to bother you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not bothering me, Harold” Louis said nudging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty knackered, think we can go to bed?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, course. Um I can take the couch or something. Or Gemma’s room.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this gonna be like last time when I found you in the middle of the night crying?” Louis asked, giving him a pointed look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you don’t have Freddie to wake you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t be the first time we shared that bed” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t mind?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I know that sometimes just having someone next to you, can make you feel better, about anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got ready for bed in near silence, both sleeping in more clothes than they were used to, especially Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do appreciate the boxers” Louis said laughing as Harry walked into his room </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Figured it was best” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably” Louis nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shut the light and got into bed, Louis was already under the covers, with them pulled all the way up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck did we share a bed for so long if you’re always freezing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d steal all the blankets and you were perfectly fine sleeping dick out, no blankets.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not everyone’s always cold” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Whatever” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for knowing I needed you tonight” Harry said, more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Harold” Louis said “Now sleep, come on” Louis said. He rolled over so Harry was the little spoon like he liked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry started to chat again and Louis put his hand over his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too fucking tired, now sleep. I know you need it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re deliriously knackered, love” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis fell asleep quickly and Harry wasn’t that far behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning they got up and Harry made breakfast and he asked if Louis would go to the hospital again. Gemma was back at her flat and Anne still didn’t want to leave Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got him in a private area right? I won’t get caught?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. It’s all private.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay good. You can go see your mum and Robin and I’ll get us some teas.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean his room is private, how are you gonna make it to the cafeteria and back unnoticed?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’ll wear a mask or something, no one will know it’s me. Long sleeves and a hat. It’ll be fine” Louis said, shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um I don’t think people just walk about in a mask, Lou. It would draw more attention.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a hospital, Harold. Of course they do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’re in the operating theatre, not the cafeteria.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be a trend” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you hit your head this morning?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just because it’s a hospital I don’t think people just go around wearing masks.” Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why I’ll make it a tread” Louis said, like Harry was the crazy one </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? You’re being weird” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to go” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no it’s fine. Just, forget it’s fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying, and you know I’m trying right? And I’m doing my fucking best, but when I went to see him last week when you were in London, it was hard, he wasn’t himself and I don’t how to do that again” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to go, if it’s too much” Harry said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promised you I wouldn’t let you do this alone” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and I appreciate that, but Lou, it’s okay if you can’t go. I get it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no I’ll go. I just, I’m nervous I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was nervous to see your mum too. My mum literally held my hand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I was just trying to be strong for you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one that told me that there’s no fucking rule book for this fucking shit and that sometimes you just want to fucking run away from it all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was quite drunk when I said that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you were. I cleaned up after you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Louis said looking down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis I’m not expecting you to have all the answers here, I know you don’t. And Gemma talked to me about how you were worried about not being able to handle it. And I get it, I don’t want you to suffer more. If you can’t handle the hospital I understand” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s fine. I should have just told you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, Lou. Do what you’re comfortable with” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go, just nervous” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go in together right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I should be doing this for you. I’m fine, let’s go” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ran his hand over his face and tossed Harry’s keys at him and grabbed his hat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” Harry said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both had on long sleeves and long pants, they clearly hadn’t thought the tattoos through with trying to blend in while out in public. But Harry hoped it would at least let them get to Robin’s room without being seen. The thing Harry thought was funny was that neither of them were that concerned with getting caught, he knew it would cause problems for Louis but that wasn’t what either of them were concerned with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay we’re going” Harry said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne had decided to stay the night with Robin again and Louis and Harry stayed until the nurses told them visiting hours were over and they had to go. Louis had relaxed pretty easily once they were in Robin’s room. Robin had been having a good day and that brought them all some hope. Harry had said he felt like making dinner which Louis rolled his eyes because leave it to Harry to still worry about cooking when they could easily get take away. It was a pretty nice night out so Louis made a fire outside and grabbed some beers and they headed outside to the fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat at the fire in a comfortable silence. They were shoulder to shoulder with their feet resting on the ledge of the firepit. He had seen Harry move the bench closer to the firepit and his legs were bent and Louis knew it had to be getting uncomfortable but he was too stubborn to admit that he wouldn’t have been able to reach his feet out otherwise. Harry was six foot and only had three inches on him, hell even his police report said he was 5’9. He just had a smaller bone structure which made him look that much smaller than Harry. Harry had bulked up towards the end of their band days but then had lost it for the movie, and had seemed to lose more with the stress of his album and Robin. Louis was actually a little concerned with how thin he looked. He thought he looked more like himself with a bit more muscle and his face filled out more, but he knew himself didn’t look the healthiest right now so he really wasn’t in a place to judge. He knew that Harry wouldn’t bring up that he hated how his legs were bent because he thought he was sneaky in moving it closer to the fire pit for Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had a blanket draped over them, mostly because Louis was still slightly cold, he rested his head on Harry’s shoulder and it felt normal and right. It didn’t seem like their worlds were crumbling around them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not going to sleep on me are you?” Harry teased </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ m’awake” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thank you for coming with me today” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course H, I just let me head get to me for a moment” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understandable” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was a year this week that we found out she was terminal. And I can’t believe it’s only been a fucking year. I thought that if I didn’t acknowledge it then I wouldn’t be sad about it. But knowing I was going to a hospital today, just brought it all back. I should have been honest with you and meself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, yea it was” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said tilting his head to look at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you wait a few months to tell me. You told Niall almost right away” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no anger or bitterness, Harry just wondered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think it was something to put into the group chat or just facetime each of you and be like mum has cancer, it’s fucking terminal. Hopefully she makes it a year but it’s not likely” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay fair” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told Niall first because unless it’s a confined space Niall probably won’t freak the fuck out. I knew obviously he’d be upset, but he would just let me feel whatever it was I was feeling, wouldn’t push it one way or another and I knew he would mirror that. He wouldn’t get all emotional if I wasn’t emotional. We both fucking cried though. I barely got the words out before I cried and then he joined in. I started and then he started and then it was a fucking mess. But I told him at soccer aid. Well after, we hung out for a few days afterwards. And I tried to call you and Payno but I always stopped meself or changed topics. I saw Payno like a month later and told him in person, and that was emotional and we hadn’t seen each other, you were filming and shit. And then eventually mum told me I had to tell you, she had a scare at the end of the summer where she really didn’t think she could do it much longer and she said I needed to give you time to see her if you wanted. So I asked if I could come see you. Telling you was harder than telling the other two. I knew it would hurt you the most and I wasn’t keeping it together, so I knew that I couldn’t be that person for you. It made it real, usually when something like that happens you want your mum to fix it but she was the person that couldn’t. And I was scared.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of what?” Harry asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of fucking needing you again. I had a girlfriend and Dani was great, and maybe if mum hadn’t got sick or I hadn’t had Freddie or either or whatever, maybe it would have worked but I closed off and it wasn’t fair to her. I was talking to my friends more than her and I get it frustrating her and no one breaks up with the bloke whose mum is ill. So I broke it off. Wasn’t fair to either of us. But I think some naive part of me hoped that you would fix it or fix me. Telling you made it real and we really weren’t in contact much at that point and part of me felt guilty for wanting you back to get me through it. I knew deep down that if I asked you’d be there, because that’s who you are. And I figured if I didn’t tell you then you wouldn’t get hurt and then I wouldn’t need you and hurt us both” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t have mattered if we hadn’t improved our relationship that last year of the band or if it had been fifty fucking years. I would have been there no matter what Louis.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that and I knew that and it felt selfish. I know I put you through a lot last year. I was moody and a dick and emotional and it wasn’t fair to take it out on you. I shouldn’t have relied on you to literally clean up after a drunken night when it all got too much” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was a bad night” Harry said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a night after Jay had first been admitted back into the hospital and Louis went out with some friends and he started arguing with Oli and Stan and wouldn’t listen to them. They basically drug him out of the pub and back home. Stan had called Harry and he had come over. Louis said he didn’t want or need any of them. All three of them stayed over and took turns taking care of him through the night. When Louis had woken up, Harry was asleep in the chair in his room. He had filled him in on what happened and how Oli and Stan called him. And Louis finally talked about how he was feeling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Telling you just made everything real, and I thought that if I didn’t tell you then it wouldn’t happen. That she would magically get better and the cancer would go away. I knew it didn’t work that way but I wasn’t ready for it to be real. I’m still not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just remembered how shocked I was when you told me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I tried earlier, I wasn’t like keeping it a secret, I just couldn’t” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand that now, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still trying to protect each other” Louis said, sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you know how much I appreciate you being here and going through this with me.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wouldn’t let you do it alone H, no one should.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in a comfortable silence with their beers, just watching the fire. Louis had been wanting to ask Harry about something but he had really been struggling to ask it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I um ask you something” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck. Um. The night I told you I was gonna be a dad, how did you really feel?” Louis finally asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He twisted the bottle in his hands until he almost spilled it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, Louis” Harry said, never expecting that question now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, just been wondering.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I was surprised.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just surprised?” Louis asked surprised </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Harry said, giving him a small laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were pretty fucking upset when I found you. I knew something was going on, just wasn’t expecting you to say you were going to be a dad. I guess I was jealous maybe, it um, it kinda felt like you closing a door us, that there wasn’t any chance for us and that um, that hurt I guess. That maybe it was just a way to get off or summat. Like you were decidedly done with me. I did think at least maybe the rumors about us would stop and I knew that would make you happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Louis said. He was quiet, he was trying to process what Harry was saying. He knew Harry was hurt but he didn’t understand how much it actually hurt him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay now Lou” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hadn’t ever discussed this together, after Louis told them all, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want it in the media, he wanted it quiet and Harry understood it but didn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk about it with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never meant to hurt you” Louis said, finally looking up at Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said, nodding </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck, fuck fuck. Come on” Louis yelled. He kicked the vending machine again but no luck, his ginger ale did not fall out. “Bloody hell” Louis said, banging it again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um Louis?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had his back to whoever was talking but he knew it was Harry and Harry was the last person that he wanted to see right now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Louis asked spinning around </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright Lou? Spend all your money on the snack vending machine?” Harry joked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine, no it won’t fucking come out.” Louis said, banging it again </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry noticed Louis looked a lot different than he had at sound check earlier. His hair was a mess, his face was red and puffy, he was really agitated and Harry wasn’t sure what could have happened since he had seen Lottie an hour earlier and she seemed fine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You didn’t hit the green enter button” Harry said, hitting it for him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The bottle fell to the slot and they both reached for it at the same time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um thanks” Louis said awkwardly. He and Harry had reached at the same time but instead of the bottle, Louis was holding Harry’s hand. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They had worked on their friendship the last few months, especially after Zayn left. They even wrote a song together. Louis still felt awkward with Harry and he hated it, it shouldn’t be this way. And Louis had to tell Harry something that he knew would hurt the boy he still loved all over again. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Um here” Harry said, trying to get the bottle into Louis’ hand. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you” Louis said, his voice shaky and thin. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis what’s wrong?” Harry asked, genuinely concerned. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing why?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You usually only drank ginger ale when you were poorly? Are you feeling alright?” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m fine” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um you kinda don’t look it” Harry said nervously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis bit back the tears that there lodged in his throat and tried to swallow them down. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’fine” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You look like you need a friend, I’m here” Harry offered </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You look like you’re ready to go out.” Louis snapped </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry was in his black skinny jeans, boots and a nice button down shirt. He was going to meet Lou and Lottie for dinner because somehow he was allowed to have dinner with his ex-boyfriend’s sister but he wasn’t allowed to acknowledge said ex-boyfriend’s existence. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just dinner, I can cancel” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, go” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can be your friend and I can take care of you if you’re poorly, Louis” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m fine” Louis said in the same thin voice that gave away he was anything but fine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Harry said, giving him a look that he knew Louis was lying.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was supposed to get dinner with Niall and his cousin but after a phonecall he told Niall he wasn’t feeling well. Niall came to check on him but Louis just told him he was stuck in the loo and to go have fun at dinner. Liam was with Sophia and he had heard Harry making dinner plans at the end of sound check and he thought he had already left. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine” Louis said, he stomped off back to his hotel room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis sat on the sofa and and was biting his nails to the point that Harry was sure he had drawn blood. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You mind?” Louis asked taking out his cigarettes</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s a no smoking floor, Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck, fine” Louis said tossing the carton on the table </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry sat next to him on the sofa and had no clue as to what Louis would be possibly trying to tell him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everyone alright? Your mum, the girls?” Harry asked, getting worried </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just shook his head and Harry didn’t acknowledge it but he was convinced there was a slight sob that escaped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Harry asked gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I fucked up” Louis said in a quiet voice </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let me help you fix it” Harry offered </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You can’t” Louis said, shaking his head. He had stopped biting his nails but Harry could see his hands were now shaking. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m gonna be sick” Louis said pushing past Harry to the ensuite.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was really confused but followed Louis, he wasn’t sure why Louis wouldn’t have told him he was poorly. Harry had a hand on Louis’ back and rubbed it while he threw up. When Louis seemed finished he got him a cup of water and cold flannel for his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um thank you” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry could see something was clearly wrong with Louis but Louis didn’t seem to be parting with any information. He got him back to the couch and sat him down. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um did you take anything, or smoke too much?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What? Fuck off, no” Louis said getting agitated</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry, just um, just checking.” “Come on Lou, it’s just me.” Harry pushed gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Harry thought he was either going to tell him to fuck off again or just not give him anything but he never expected the next words out of his mouth. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m gonna be a dad” Louis said, swallowing hard and burying his face in his hands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wha?” Harry started before shutting up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I um, the girl from LA, she’s called Briana. She and I um, yea, we a few times and she’s pregnant.” Louis said, stumbling over his words and not getting them all out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She called me today and she’s late like really late according to her. And there was one night that I thought the condom had broken but she said it was fine and she was on birth control and like I pulled out so all three should have but yea, it um. She’s um. She took a few tests and went to the doctor and she’s pregnant and I’m going to be a dad.” Louis said. His voice was still shaky and he was crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry didn’t know what to say. He and Louis had been broken up for months but he’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. He and Louis always talked about having a whole house full of kids, whether adopted or a surrogate and donor, it didn’t matter to them. Harry knew that wasn’t going to happen but now he felt like maybe Louis was just experimenting with him. This girl he was allowed to be seen out in public with but judging by Louis’ reaction it wasn’t a good thing. Harry pushed his own feelings aside and tried to wrap his head around the fact Louis was going to be a dad. He was the oldest so it wasn’t weird that he was the first, but it was the last thing Harry had expected. He was sad and a little hurt, he wanted it to be him and Louis having a family and as more time went on that seemed so far in the past. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s great, Louis. Congratulations.” Harry said, he tried to hug Louis but Louis shrugged it off. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It wasn’t supposed to be like this” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How was it supposed to be?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just shook his head and went over to the bed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” Harry asked following him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry” Louis said, fresh tears in his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just I’m sorry” Louis said looking away </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing to be sorry for. Um are you two dating then?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, we had a few dates and then we slept together a few times. She was nice but I don’t know. It was fun and easy and that’s all I could fucking handle and I don’t even know if you could count it as a friends with benefits thing because we were friendly but like I don’t even knwo her well enough to have a fucking kid with her. But she’s pregnant. And I have no reason to believe it’s not mine.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Friends can be parents together” Harry offered </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis didn’t seem convinced, and his shoulders heaved again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want to be Troy” Louis said quietly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis, no. You’re not him, sure you have his DNA but you aren’t him. You always wanted kids, you’re great with kids. You’re gonna be a great dad.” Harry said. He knew how much his biological dad had hurt him and it was something Louis confessed to Harry years ago that he never wanted to be. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How do you know?” Louis asked, looking up at Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just do. Dunno why really. You always took care of us, you’re great with your siblings, your mum’s a great mum. You learned a lot from her.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m scared” Louis said, still quiet </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay to be scared” Harry said hugging him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis hugged him back tightly and Harry felt his tears going through his shirt. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay” Harry said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry” Louis mumbled again</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’ll be a great dad, Louis.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis let himself be hugged for a little longer before he let go of Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can’t believe I fucked up. Can’t even take care of me fucking self” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You didn’t fuck up Louis. It was consensual right?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course it was Harry. Fucking hell.” Louis said, pushing him away. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know that. So then you didn’t fuck up Louis. It was both of you, but you didn’t fuck up. You’re gonna have a baby, you always wanted kids. Your mum was young when she had you and that went okay” Harry said, giving him a small smirk at the end. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always wanted it different, don’t wanna be Troy. Can hear the fucking headline now. One Deadbeat or Deadbeat Direction, which do you think the headline will be first? That one who can’t fucking sing, will he turn into his own sperm doner?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, while imaginative. Also incorrect. You can fucking sing and you won’t forget about your own kid. You care about the people you love too much to abandon a baby Louis.” Harry said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’ll be a good Dad, Louis.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was maybe starting to maybe believe it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She um, she told me that she had a brief thought of either an aboriton or adoption but said she couldn't do it. And I couldn’t either, I’m fucking terrified but mum could have done the same with me but she didn’t. And she sent me the sonogram and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking at but it’s my kid. My baby, that’s half of me somehow and I’m responsible for that little black and white picutre that I can’t even fucking read which I should be able to, I have enough siblings…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis, you’re rambling.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck sorry. Just I’m scared and I’m sorry, I know it can’t be easy for you, but it’s still my baby and I just. I don’t know how I feel about it.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry gave him a small smile. “I’m fine, Louis. And I think it’s normal to be scared. But you’ll be a good dad. And you know you’ve got us.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now I have to tell the boys. Fuck I’m gonna get a sex talk from fucking Daddy Direction aren’t I?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry let out one of his signature laughs and covered his mouth. “Probably” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you, Harry. You didn’t have to stay with me. I umm, I appreciate it. I know you had better things to do.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always Louis, we’re still friends. You know that” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks” Louis said hugging Harry again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry was a little taken aback but he hugged him back right away. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, go shower. It’ll make you feel better, we can order food. Do you want to tell the boys tonight?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess so, not really ready to tell anyone else. Or me mum.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you going to tell Lottie?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not before mum” Louis said shaking his head </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’ll be okay, you know Niall and Liam and me will always support you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There were a million thoughts going through his head, he hated that Harry was the first person he told, but he figured that if he could tell his ex-boyfriend that he was going to be a father, maybe telling his mum wouldn’t be as bad.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come here, you look like you need another hug” Harry said opening his arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis hesitated for a second but he locked eyes with Harry and Harry nodded. Louis hugged Harry back tightly and just whispered a soft I’m sorry. He didn’t know if Harry even heard it, but he felt terrible. He knew he wanted to be a dad and that this wasn’t the ideal situation but there was a little baby that was half him and it was something Louis promised himself to not fuck up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never meant to hurt you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I meant it though, you would be a good dad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said “I was scared to tell you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could tell” Harry said, giving him a small laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t trade him for anything, he’s amazing but I think back on how fucking terrified I was, to tell you boys, me mum. I was shitting myself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve done good though. He’s amazing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seeing him with you, you were meant to be a dad, your mum taught you well.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was pretty fucking incredible.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was” Harry said. He put his head on Louis’ shoulder and Louis leant his on top of Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss her” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do. I do too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was a great mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was, even if she liked me better.” Harry said, nudging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, fuck off” Louis siad laughing “She did really love you though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better than you?” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twat” Louis said laughing, nudging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it um, does it get easier?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does what? Missing her?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right now no.” Louis huffed out “It um, it still hurts. I don’t know how long that takes” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I asked” Harry said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, um it’s okay. I promised me sisters I wouldn’t bottle things up as much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And they believed you?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably not, they just wouldn’t say it out loud.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should be asking you that, Harold” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know this isn’t how you expected to spend your spring and summer.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I don’t think anyone wants to spend it this way, but I’m here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate it. I know you so I know you’re not telling me how hard it is, but I really appreciate you being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and it’s not just cause you’ve been through it. But you know us and me and I don’t know. Just thank you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to thank me. I told you that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know...” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno really. Sometimes I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes it’s okay to do both” Louis said shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you ever feel like it was just someone else’s life and you got stuck in it, like you didn’t know how it was your mum?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis paused before he nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I think so. Like I felt like I was running from it at first but between dating Dani and having Freddie and trying to balance all that with me mum and siblings it felt very separated, like Dani and I hadn’t been together long enough to go through that together and I mean she tried and was very understanding but as bad as it sounds she wasn’t the most important thing in me life. I sound like a dick I know. But being there for Freddie and me mum was exhausting and draining and having to choose between the two nearly broke me and then I chose me mum. And it’s something I hope that when he’s older he won’t hold against me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? You did what you needed to do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was so scared to leave her, that I didn’t leave her. And there were times she was doing better and I probably could have gone to LA but I was scared of leaving her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everytime I leave I’m scared that, that I won’t, um. You know like see him again….” Harry said sniffling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no fucking clue how to help you with that, H.” Louis said, still hugging Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S’oaky” Harry said, sniffling again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up at Louis the same time Louis looked down, Harry looked like he wanted to kiss Louis and Louis knew that it wasn’t a good idea. They had just had a vulnerable chat and they both were hurting and they couldn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please?” Harry asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H” Louis said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Lou” Harry said, kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Louis had hugged him, his head was on Louis’ chest. He looked up and just wanted to kiss Louis, because kissing Louis used to always make him feel better. Louis looked at him like it wasn’t a good idea but Harry leaned in closer to Louis and Louis didn’t push him away. He put his hand on the back of Louis’ head and gently pulled him closer. Louis didn’t try to stop him and the next thing he knew he was kissing Louis. Louis slipped his tongue in and Harry straddled Louis’ lap. Louis pulled back and rested his forehead against Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H” Louis breathed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Lou, just tonight?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, just one night?” Harry asked again, kissing Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time he snuck his tongue into Louis’ mouth and ran his hands up and down Louis’ back. Louis gently bit Harry’s lip and pulled back again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry grabbed his hand but Louis shook his head no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry we can’t. It’ll just hurt both of us. I can’t keep kissing you and then not kissing you. I told you this. I’m sorry” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.” Harry said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s always good H, you know this. But we can’t keep relying on the past if we want to be friends. You can’t just kiss your friends like this. And I’m not at a place where I can kiss you and have it not mean anything.” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Harry said, feeling tears spring to his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, no crying.” Louis said gently, as he swiped his thumb across Harry’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t exactly stop you at first either. Why though, after we talked in California?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just always felt safe, always felt good.” Harry said, laughing lightly, wiping his own eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’sorry Harry. Just, we can’t.” Louis said, feeling his cheeks heat up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you’re right. I’m sorry. I know how you feel. I shouldn’t have done it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything else I can do to make you feel safe and good besides kissing?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized what he said when he saw a giant smirk form on Harry’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea fuck off I heard it” Louis said, giving him a small laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Lou, you being here is good though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we go to sleep. I’m knackered.” Louis suggested. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take Gem’s old room tonight” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Harold, we’re grown men we can share a bed without anything happening.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m two years younger” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui” Louis said laughing “Well then if you can keep it in your pants I have no problem sharing a bed” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will keep it in my pants. Promise” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, heard that before” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious, Lou.” Harry said, more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said nodding. “Come on, time for bed. We’re both tipsy and it’s late.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I have a hug?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, H.” Louis said, hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him as tight as he could, and ran his hand through Harry’s shorter hair. “I’m sorry, about everything you’re going through. I wish I could do more to help.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is helping” Harry said, squeezing Louis tight. </span>
</p><p>Louis had though Harry was asleep and he had rolled over and gotten comfy. He was exhausted and just wanted to close his eyes. He was finally starting to fall asleep when he heard Harry turning about. </p><p>"Lou?" Harry whispered </p><p>"Mmm" Louis mumbled </p><p>"Lou, you awake?" </p><p>"Kinda" Louis slurred </p><p>"Okay" </p><p>"'W'sit H?" Louis mumbled again </p><p>"Sleep, it's okay." </p><p>"H?" Louis said, starting to come to. </p><p>"I'm scared" Harry said quietly </p><p>Louis rolled over. He still could barely open his eyes, but at least he felt like his brain was working again. </p><p>"S'okay to be scared. It's scary, the unknown and shit." Louis said </p><p>"I didn't mean to wake you. Just stuck in my head." </p><p>Louis fully flipped onto his other side and spooned Harry from the back. He wrapped his arm around Harry's waist and gently dragged his fingers over Harry's stomach to calm him down. </p><p>"S'okay to be scared." Louis slurred again into Harry's shoulder blade. He wanted to stay awake for Harry but he was losing that battle. "Now go to sleep" </p><p>"Thanks Louis" Harry said quietly, starting to fall asleep. </p><p>"Mhm." Louis said, nuzzling into Harry's shoulder again. </p><p>Harry was finally able to close his eyes and relax alittle and he knew Louis was already out cold. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis leaves and then comes back when Harry needs him the most.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you like this one. It's a little longer to make up for the lack of updates. I was pretty happy with how this chapter turned out, so please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had been going back and forth again, mostly spending his time with Harry’s family. They were going to see Robin today, things had gone wrong again and he wasn’t doing as well. Louis knew he was running out of time and he just wanted to make sure Harry was okay. They were back in the hospital, Anne and Gemma had gone down to get them all some teas and sandwiches. Louis was exhausted and he knew Harry was too. Robin had been having some problems earlier in the morning with his heart rate dropping and Louis knew Harry was scared to leave him, so that meant Louis was staying with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were talking with Robin when his heart rate dropped again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis slammed on the button on the wall to get the nurses and grabbed the oxygen and put over Robin’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, you gotta move” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words were no sooner out of his mouth when the door burst open and doctors and nurses were pushing Harry out of the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, what are you doing?” Harry yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, outta the way” Louis said slipping past the nurses and doctors to get Harry out of the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait outside please” The nurse yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis drug Harry out into the hallway. It was a private wing so there was no one else around. He pulled Harry into a hug and just held him. He remembered when his mum’s heart rate would drop like that and it was fucking terrifing. Louis pulled Harry in for a hug and felt him shaking against him. “The doctors and nurses are in there and taking care of him okay. Take a few deep breaths for me.” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was holding onto him tightly and Louis was trying to get him to calm down a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s okay right?” Harry asked shakily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Harry” Louis said quietly. He knew better than to promise he was okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> It seemed like forever when the doctors and nurses started filing out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is here?” Harry immediately asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Styles, his heart rate dropped from some of the medications so we will be switching them, but he’s stable and comfortable for now. He’s awake, we gave him something to keep him calm so he may be a little loopy. But you can go back in now. Good job putting the oxygen on him right away.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That um, that was Louis.” Harry said “Thank you, um. I can go in?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course.” The doctor added </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said mumbling again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had stood back but he had heard everything the doctor said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, H?” Louis asked, putting his hand on the small of Harry’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um yea” Harry said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had to do it for mum a few times too. It um, it just makes it easier for them.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Harry said “Um, should we go in?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was shaken up too, but he couldn’t let it show because of how freaked out Harry was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, Louis” Robin said happily when they walked back in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew that they had given Robin the good stuff, and that he wouldn’t be making much sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” Harry asked giving him a hug</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine boys!” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis started to laugh and he knew it was probably inappropriate but sometimes the giggles come at bad times. Soon Harry and Robin joined him and they were all just laughing for no reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Robin said excitedly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin” Louis said, matching his expression </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jay, she says hi and how much she loves you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s proud of you Louis, she loves you. She wants you to be happy.” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you on about?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was here. Said she loves you.” Robin said, starting to slur his words </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked at him worriedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit ago, she was where you are sitting. She said how much she loves you, how proud she is. She wants you to be happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t see her. She was here to see you” Robin said  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My mum was here?” Louis asked, still confused. He looked around the room like he’d be able to see her and then just shook his head.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Came to see you, she loves you. She was sitting right there” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis jumped out of the chair and was looking around like his mum was still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s so proud of you being a dad and taking care of your brother and sisters. She’s always with you.” Robin said, starting to fall asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t…” Louis stuttered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was here, then the doctors. You saw her” Robin said, yawning “She misses you both”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um” Louis said awkwardly. He was starting to panic. He started to get hot and sweaty. He felt his stomach in his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wants her boobear to be happy” Robin said, yawning again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis ran out of the room and ran into the loo and threw up. He knew he believed in something but he wasn’t entirely sure ghosts were real. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said running into the loo behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry found him hunched over the toilet, heaving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry crouched behind him and gently put his hand on his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and stood up. He flushed and washed his hand and rinsed his mouth out. He splashed some water on his face, all never making eye contact with Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Harry asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head and blinked back the tears that had been falling. There was a knock on the door and Louis jumped like he had just seen a ghost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis? Harry?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis relaxed when he heard it was just Gemma. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright? What happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something um happened with Robin and his heart rate dropped. Um Louis got the mask on him and the doctors and nurses and then we were able to see him again, he um started saying stuff.” Harry said looking over to Louis, he had arms folded and looked like he was trying to hide into his hoodie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, Louis?” Gemma asked, still trying to figure out what happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They saw Harry run into the loo when they came through the hallway door and when they went in to see Robin he was half asleep but had said Jay was there. Anne asked where the boys were and he just said Louis ran out and Harry went with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wiped his eyes with his sleeves and nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to talk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know what Robin meant when he said he saw Jay?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry glared at Gemma for not putting it altogether yet and he heard Louis sniffle before he went into one of the stalls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma pointed to herself and then the door and Harry nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Harry saw the door shut he knocked on the stall Louis was in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis unlocked the door and Harry saw just how sad Louis looked. Almost like that afternoon with the boys in his kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Harry said, opening his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged him tightly and had his forehead on Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t. What…” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Just give yourself a second to breath.” Harry said, just hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew Louis looked at everything more black and white than he did and struggled with whether or not his mum’s presence was there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go sit?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and they both washed up and splashed water on their faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darlings are you alright?” Anne asked them when they walked out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma was in with Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” Anne asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hugged him and he let himself be hugged before he hugged her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” He said in a shaky voice </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing to be sorry for.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Anne said pulling back from the hug </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk to me, please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat with Anne and filled her in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, I know you may not always believe it. But your mum is always with you. And maybe Robin did see her. But she’s always with you and always in your heart.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go check on Robin” Anne said, she kissed the top of both their heads and went into Robin’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Harry asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, can I take your car back to the house?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I can come too” Harry asked, knowing how shaken up Louis was. Harry was worried. There was this terrified look on Louis’ face and it was scaring him, but Louis was slowly losing it so he was trying to be strong enough for both of them.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew he promised Harry but right now, with Robin saying his mum was there, Louis was confused. He didn’t know what he believed in but he didn’t think his mum would be a ghost. But Harry had talked about feeling people’s presence and stuff before and Louis was freaked out. And he knew that if Robin did see his mum, that somewhere along the way he went to some proverbial limbo where he wasn’t quite alive. He felt like everything was closing in again and he needed some room to breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No stay. I don’t want to take time away from Robin.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea. I’m fine. I think I’m going to go see me sisters tonight. If that’s okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yea, of course.” Harry said, he was sad Louis was going. Louis may have been crumbling in front on him, but Harry wasn’t sure he could do this without Louis.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just gonna go say bye” Louis said pointing to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went in and said goodbye to Robin who was now asleep, and Louis knew there was a good possibility that it would be the last time he would see Robin. He hugged Anne and Gemma and Gemma gave him a weird look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went back into the sitting area and hugged Harry goodbye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need me, just call yea? You can do this Harry.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um okay” Harry said, still confused by Louis’ demeanor </span>
</p><p>
  <span> Gemma pulled him aside after Harry went into Robin’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, talk to me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine Gems” Louis said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s bullshit. You’re paler than me and you look spooked.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I need to go home tonight and see me sisters and grandparents.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Gemma said, worried </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, take care of Haz, okay.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, wait.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Gemma?” Louis asked, voice thin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. I have to go.” Louis said, trying not to panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma pulled him in for another hug and hugged him tight. “Louis you promised you’d tell me if it was too much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and Gemma finally caught his eye. She knew he had been missing Freddie and she knew that being in a hospital everyday was taking a toll on him, but she had hoped he at least would have told her that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t stay. I need…” Louis said gesturing to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, go take care of yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, if he needs me, or any of you need me. You know I’ll always come back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Gemma said “Text me when you get to your grandparents” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Gemma said, hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too” He mumbled as he hugged her back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis drove back to Anne and Robin’s house in silence. He dropped the keys in Harrys’ room and grabbed his own stuff. He texted Oli and told him to get him a flight to LA. He needed to see Freddie. He drove back to his grandparents and walked in and saw his Nan in the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, what’s wrong?” She asked, knowing he was very different then when he left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just shook his head and went into her open arms and cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was sobbing and shaking and mumbling that he couldn’t do it, couldn’t handle losing his mum and now Robin, couldn’t handle helping Harry through it, couldn’t deal with being away from Freddie again. Couldn’t handle letting people down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His Nan led him to the couch and sat down with him and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling, what can I do?” She asked, her heart breaking for her oldest grandchild. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head and cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let him cry and just sat there and hugged him. She was talking quietly about when he was little and there was a massive storm and his mum had to stay in the hospital and she sat with him the whole night and hugged him, that they made each other feel safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head. He may have been in the world’s biggest boy band and he may be a father but he would always be her first grandchild and no matter how old he was, she would never not hold him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry you’re going through this again love. I wish you didn’t know this kind of pain and sadness” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped his eyes and sat up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis what happened?” She asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hiccuped and it reminded him of when Freddie totally lost his shit, Louis was convinced Freddie did it to make him feel even worse, but apparently it was a way to calm himself down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin, he um. His heart rate dropped and I got the mask on him and the doctors and nurses came and seeing Harry freeze like that was hard but then after we were allowed back in, Robin said. He um….” Louis said, wiping his eyes again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take your time” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep breath before he spoke again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said that Jay said hi and then he was pointing to where she was, and was saying how much she said she loved me and was proper proud of me and...and I don’t know. I didn’t think that stuff was real but he was so convinced and I panicked and ran to the loo. Maybe mum was there and I didn’t know it, people say you can feel shit like that and I couldn't. And what if she knew I couldn’t….” Louis said, hiccuping again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling, we never will know if it’s true or not, at least not until someone rises from the grave but maybe she was there in some form. I know Fizzy doesn’t think that stuff is real and I know you’re not entirely convinced but maybe this was a way for her to let you know that she’s alright. You already know she loves you and is proud of you, maybe it was her or maybe it was the medication. Who are we to actually know but Louis regardless, what Robin said is all true.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her too. She was an easy person to miss. But I do believe she’s still with us. That she’s in all of you. Whether it be your smiles or your kindness. Louis the things she taught you and instilled in you will always be with you, or at least I hope they will and that means that she’s always with you, darling” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some days I think I’m okay and can do this and other days, it’s too hard” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone else you care deeply about is going through the same thing, most people don’t have loss like this, so close together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I broke my promise to Harry.” Louis said sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promised him I’d be with him through this and I promised Gemma I would tell her if I was struggling. I hinted to H I was having a hard time but then when Robin said all that it was too much. And maybe it’s because I wanted it to be true. That she really was there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She is Louis, it’s what I believe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and rubbed his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just sat there while his tears dried up and soon the door was thrown open and both sets of twins bounded in. They all ran over to him, happy to see him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi” Louis said, scrubbing a hand over his face again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His Nan caught his eye and he nodded, he knew she wouldn’t be able to fend of the rest of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Daisy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine” Louis said, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged Daisy and Phoebe tight before he picked up Doris and Ernie, hugging them tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t tell us you were coming back” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, last minute” Louis said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both grew up a lot the last several months and they picked up on a lot more than Louis wished they did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Doris and Ernie were talking over each other, telling him about nursery school and Louis thought it was the perfect distraction. His Nan went to talk to Dan so he figured she was telling him what happened. Dan also never cared that he and Harry had a secret relationship. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you back?” Daisy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you, but I wanted to go see Freddie too. I’m hoping to go tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re not back” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be back at some point” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You always say that” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I do. Phoebes, come on. Don’t do this” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We miss you too, mum’s gone and you’re never here. We’re allowed to miss you” Phoebe said and stomped away </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just groaned. He was used to moody sisters, but maybe Phoebe was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just miss you, it’s hard not having you here. We’ve always missed you, it’s just different now. We miss mummy, we still need her and she’s not here and you come and go.” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t…” Louis started </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Louis” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daisy soon went up to her room and Louis played a game with Doris and Ernie before he decided he was calm enough to talk to the twins. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knocked on their door and waited for one of them to answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What” Phoebe called out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I come in?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi girls” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both looked at each other and then again at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, you’re both mad at me.” Louis said. He usually can get out of his sisters being mad at him but when they teamed it, it was harder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not mad” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re calling it something else now? Pissed? Angry?” Louis asked, hoping it would get a laugh out of them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get it” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you try me” Louis said. He knew he had to be the responsible older brother and take their feelings seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We love Nan and Granddad but we went from being a whole family to it us just being us and Mum’s not here and the babies live elsewhere and you’re never home and it’s not fair.” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dais” Louis said, much more sympathetically than either twin expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s right Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I’m not here as much as any of us would like, but you know I’m always here for you. All of you. You know you can always call me or text me, just because I’m not here doesn’t mean I’m not here for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get it” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you tell me what I’m not getting” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both looked at each other and rolled their eyes. He was really starting to see how it was a family trait. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had mum for so much more than we do. And everything’s different and I hate it” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry mum’s not here. Trust me if there was anyway I could bring her back I would. You don’t think I feel guilty. I can buy us all literally anything we want, do whatever we want, but the most important fucking thing I can’t do for all of us, I couldn’t make mum better. Maybe I should have been more honest with you two, but I was trying to keep you from it. But I’m not all put back together like you think. Look it’s why I’m going to LA alright, it’s too hard with mum being gone and now Robin and I just, I need to see Freddie, because that’s the one person I can make happy with almost no effort. I make a funny face at him and it practically makes his whole day. But he’s just happy and loved and taken care of and being with him makes me calmer, like maybe things will be okay. They have to be, he needs his dad, and he needs all of us.” Louis said rambling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shared another look between them and seemed to soften a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, I know being thirteen isn’t always the easiest. And I know you’d be much more comfortable with mum, but you have all of us. You have Lots and Fizz, and Nan. And you can talk to me about whatever. I know you two have grown up a lot in the last year, and had more responsibility than any thirteen year olds should, and I know how much Nan and Granddad appreciate it, how much the babies need you both. It’s why I haven’t told you I’ve been having a hard time. I was just trying to protect you. And I’m sorry if you thought it was because I didn’t care.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just miss you.” Daisy said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We get you have other stuff going on, we just thought you were going to be here more.” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to be here, that was my plan. But Harry was there for me when mum was sick, about things I didn’t tell you, and I needed to do the same for him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just kinda feels like we get pushed aside.” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought about what they said and maybe in trying to protect them, he only pushed them aside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry, I never thought that it would feel like I was pushing you away.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know you talk to Lottie and even Fizzy, but we’re not little kids Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re not little kids anymore. I also know how much you’ve been through. I was only trying to protect you girls.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just miss you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said. He moved so he could hug both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both hugged him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you both too. So much, it’s why I just wanted to protect you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do have to go see Freddie tomorrow, and I know I’ve been with Harry and them a lot but I’m always here for you both.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, we just kinda took it out on you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what big brothers are for” Louis said, smirking at them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, give me another cuddle” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hugged again and Louis wasn’t entirely sure what happened and why they got so mad but at least he knew how they felt now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright girls?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Phoebe added </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, don’t like you being mad at me” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just kinda took it out on you” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright. I can take it” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Daisy ask </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, really. I um, it was hard yesterday. Why I came home. Why I wanted to go see Freddie. It’s um, harder than I thought.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You always make things better though Lou, I’m sure you’re helping Harry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so. I kinda ran away from him, kinda”  Louis said, trying to justify leaving in his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’d never leave him, or really any one of us you love. So you probably had a good reason for needing to come home.” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe his sisters were wiser than he was giving them credit for, he still didn’t feel comfortable unloading all his feelings onto them, he wanted to protect them forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you both so much and I know this last year has been absolute shit, but we still all have each other. And nothing matters other than the people that you care about.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We love you too. I’m sure Harry will understand needing time away.” Phoebe said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a knock on the door and they called that whoever it was could come in. Oli was standing there with papers in his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey mate” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey girls, Tommo I got you a flight tonight, you’ll land early LA time. Even got first class”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the best, honestly would have sat in a fucking cargo hold at this point.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go pack, we’ll miss you but it’s okay” Daisy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged both girls again and Oli followed him into his room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Louis?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um not really, no.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened, you were proper spooked when I talked to you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t tell me sisters, only me Nan. But Robin said he saw mum and was talking to her. His pressure dropped and I don’t know what to believe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want it to be real?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stopped shoving his things into a bag and processed what Oli asked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t tell them, but you seem upset. Just did you want what Robin said to be true?” Oli asked him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt that same panic wash over him until he nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, deep breaths” Oli said, realizing Louis wasn’t okay. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Oli opened a window and got Louis to sit down. He was trying to put the pieces together but he was still a little lost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, fucking breathe” Oli said “What did he say?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rubbed at his eyes. He was sick and tired of crying but that seemed to be the only way his body responded to things lately and he was over it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m getting your Nan” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No wait” Louis said, finally finding a voice </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli nodded and closed the door again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me what happened” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep breath and nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin said he saw mum, well that she was there and she was saying things.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” Oli asked concerned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just how much she loved us and how proud she was, how proud of me she was.” Louis said, voice cracking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just nodded, not really sure what to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he said she was there and he saw her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is that bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I want her to be proud of me” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your mum was proud of you no matter what. Alright, maybe not when you mooned everyone after the play. But she was always proud of you. You weren’t the one standing next to her when you were on stage or when you were doing meet and greets or anything like that. I was and I can tell you how proud of you she was. But it wasn’t you being on stage that made her proud it was you being you. And yes, she had told me that before, that it didn’t matter what you were doing, that you being a good friend and son and brother and then father, that’s what made her proud of you. And she was so proud you got to live out your dream and take us all with you for it. Your last show, she was so proud, mate I was proud that I was just standing next to her to see how proud of you she was. You shouldn’t ever doubt how much she loved you or how proud of you she was, and maybe I saw it more than you or maybe I should have told you sooner. But I don’t think any of us can convince you of that, you need to know that for yourself, lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis started at Oli because while Oli knew everything about him, they usually didn’t have many emotional chats. He also knew Oli wouldn’t lie to him about this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So again Louis, do you want it to be true?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought for another second before nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why can’t it be. It is true and maybe she was with you in that hospital room. Your Nan’s convinced she’s always with you lot, maybe she actually is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why’d it freak me out so much?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, mate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She wouldn’t be proud of me running away to LA” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think she’d give you shit for going to see the little lad. Or for doing something you think you need to do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of us can tell you these things, but it doesn’t fucking matter. Only matters whatever the fuck you believe.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said nodding</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We better go soon, flight leaves in a few” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Oli” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just nodded and left Louis to finish packing. Part of him still felt like he was running away but some fatherly instinct told him he needed to see Freddie. He also knew he needed to calm himself down before he saw Harry again. He knew leaving a note with his keys was shit but couldn’t do it right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished packing and hugged his family goodbye and hugged Cliff, knowing his sisters would take good care of his dog. They were pulling up to the airport when Oli finally spoke again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure you’re alright going alone?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just wanna hang out with Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, just like let us know you’re alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized he never told Gemma he had gotten home. He had a few missed messages from her and some from Harry. Harry’s were a little more colorful and dramatic and angry but he couldn’t deal with it. He sent both of them the same message. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to see Freddie, missed him too much. I’ll be back soon, if you need me or something happens I’m only a phonecall and plane ride away. X Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew it was kinda shitty but Gemma was also the one that told him he had to take care of himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hugged Oli and pulled his hat down and hood up and got through security easily enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was grateful for the late hour since there were far less people. He was also flying out of Sheffield instead of Heathrow so there were less people in general. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He checked his phone one last time before putting it away. He had several messages, the first one from Gemma. “Have fun, give Freddie a hug for me. See you when you get back.” the one from Harry was much colder which slightly surprised him. “You promised, you fucking promised you would be here.” And that message made hot angry tears spring to his eyes, he did promise and it wasn’t like he was going to fuck around in Ibiza, he was going to see his sun and get himself back together. He wanted to write back but every ounce of maturity told him not to, that it would only hurt them both. He had several from his sisters and Nan so he told them he was on the plane. Soon enough his phone was tucked away and he was up in the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They landed fairly early LA time and Louis’ internal clock was all messed up. Oli had told him the usual driver Louis sometimes used in LA would be there and he looked around but he didn’t see anyone. The next thing he knew was he heard a Tommo, he panicked for a second because he didn’t really want to be caught. But then when he registered the voice he knew he was safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alberto?” Louis asked, quickly walking over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis would have hugged the man, but that would only have drawn more attention to them. Alberto just smiled at him and Louis followed him to the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hopped into the front and pulled off his hood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some ginger called me and said you needed a ride” Alberto said casually </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He probably would have kissed Oli if he was here, he was missing his touring family and Alberto lived in LA. Technically they all worked for Modest and even though their security had been loyal to the boys, Louis knew Alberto had taken a lot of shit for him and since their last few months had been Europe based, they had let Alberto go. Louis was mad about it but knew that it wasn’t Alberto ditching him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier to see you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had a good relationship with his bodyguard, he was always there and he had seen Louis at his best and his worst. Even snuck over to England for his mum’s funeral. Louis respected and trusted him with his whole life and didn’t know if he should laugh or cry that Alberto was still there picking up the pieces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing?” Alberto asked him seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Been better” Louis said honestly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alberto told him early on that he didn’t necessarily care what Louis did, but he had to be honest with him. Louis couldn’t lie to him even if he tried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you can call when you’re in LA” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I usually come here to hide” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Terrible place for that shit” Alberto said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said giving him a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had also checked up on him after the airport incident, and Louis knew he could call Alberto and he’d be there but he was too stubborn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your place?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, same one” Louis said nodding </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>They chatted and soon enough they were at Louis’ house. Well at least Louis thought they were. The rode was closed and there were work trucks all over. Someone asked him for proof of residence and Louis fished out some papers Oli told him he always had to have with him. They let him go up to his house but told him he’d be without water for a few days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So a pipe burst, no water.” Louis told his bodyguard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need a place to stay?” Alberto asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t want to impose, he also knew that without traffic he was only about a half hour from Freddie but with traffic it was much longer. He knew Niall wasn’t still in LA but thought maybe his cousin or friend were still living in his house without him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t wanna impose, and I wanna be close to Fred.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not imposing Tomlinson'' Alberto said, rolling his eyes. “Offers open if you can’t find anyone closer” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was grateful that Alberto didn’t suggest a hotel, because that was the last thing he wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went into his house and Louis tried the water just to double check, but the giant hole in the ground and all the work trucks were correct. He had no water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got a whole of Niall who was in Ireland. His cousin was with him and his friend that lived there had moved out. Said he could go stay with Mully and Louis liked him just fine but really didn’t want to interact with other people. He knew Payno was obviously in England and he couldn’t or wouldn’t ask Harry if he could stay there. He texted Steve, but again not super close to Freddie. Bebe was another option but she texted back and said she was in New York. So he called the one person he never dreamed of asking anything of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Bri, it’s me” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, it’s um early. I’m still getting his breakfast.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“RIght sorry, um I have a favor to ask”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” She said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear Freddie in the background and hoped she said yes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in LA and yea I know I didn’t give you a heads up. It was a last minute late night flight but I got to my house and I have no fucking water, said it would be a few days. I don’t know how long I’m here for and I just wanna spend time with the Lad. Could I please stay in the guest room?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really had to swallow his pride to ask her but a part of him didn’t care at this point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, you’re here now?” She asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My house yea, but I’m gonna need a wee soon and I can’t exactly go here” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re supposed to tell me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and look it wasn’t planned but I know you have a spare room” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, how long?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Few days, week max” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Fine, but we need to talk” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He filled Alberto in on the plan and told him he’d drop him off. Louis didn’t think he’d need his car, but knew Alberto would get him to bring him back if he needed. And he wanted a little more time with his bodyguard. He grabbed some things he knew he hadn't packed and they went to Briana’s house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you can call me whenever”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know Alberto, thank you” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing good Tommo, just keep your head on right” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They chatted a bit, Louis filling him in on the other boys and soon they were at the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Protect me going in?” Louis asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You survived with her before, you’ll do fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna meet the lad?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alberto nodded and they headed in. As soon as Freddie saw Louis he started shouting dada and his breakfast was long forgotten about. Briana looked a little worse for the wear and Louis knew she was being nice since Alberto was there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all chatted and Louis hugged Alberto goodbye. He tried to pay him but Alberto shrugged it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friends pick eachother up from the airport, even if it is the asscrack of dawn” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Alberto left Louis told Briana to do what she needed to do and he’d clean up Freddie and get him dressed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was playing with him on the floor when she walked in, hair went from a shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you want to explain?” She asked, sitting on the floor </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to be mad if I say no?” Louis asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I feel like you owe me some kind of explanation. You haven’t talked to Freddie in two days and you just seem different and then you just show up. Not exactly like it’s a quick drive.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, during nap time.” Louis conceded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have anything planned today?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, was gonna go to my moms later but we’ll just stay here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went back to playing with Freddie, they were building with the blocks and Freddie seemed to liked to see how high they’d go before they fell over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis ran around after him and soon enough it was lunch time. Briana came in to get them, and Louis tried not to get defensive over the fact that he knew it was time for Freddie to eat. She was being nice to him so he could be civil. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He um, he really seems to like the food you had gotten from that small farm. I got him some more.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh good, yea he liked it. Better than some of that jar shit. I can safely say baby food tastes like shit in England and America.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Briana laughed and gave him a weird look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See being the oldest sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. And you know same with being a dad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Which sibling did you have to eat it for.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The twins, well both sets of them” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you did” She said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And this little lad” Louis said tickling Freddie</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis helped Freddie feed himself and laughed when he got it all over himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are really good with him” Briana said laughing </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You seem surprised” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I am” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I guess I resented how things ended up and had myself convinced that I was better with him and that needed me more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well he did at one point, I don’t have the tits to feed him” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you always have to be an ass?” She asked rolling her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“According to some people, yes” Louis stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I never gave you a fair shot with him. So, I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I was worried that he’d like you better or something” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you were so naturally good with him”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love kids, always wanted a mess of them. I was the oldest and after my mum and Mark split up I was home with the girls after school when she was working. Always had babies in the house and even some on tour, it was just normal for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I was intimidated so the more I told myself you sucked, the better I felt.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s shitty” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna go put him down for his nap?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on lad, nap time.” Louis said picking him up out of his highchair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis cleaned him up and got him in a clean shirt. He got him changed and in his crib and rubbed his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, Freddie” Louis said leaning down to kiss his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was mostly asleep and just snuffled into his blanket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went back down to where Briana was still in the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s asleep” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear it’s not always that easy” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now do you want to tell me what’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really no” Louis said “Can I make some tea?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, help yourself” Briana said “Don’t think I have the kind you like, just regular black tea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just made a face. “Do you at least have milk?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do” Briana said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess it’ll do” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So…” Briana said as he turned the kettle on </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything I say doesn’t leave this room.” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda figured most of our conversations were like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Briana just wanted and Louis started at the kettle for something to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, so you know Harry and I were a thing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Briana said slightly confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, his stepdad, Robin. He um he has cancer” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh Louis I’m sorry” Briana said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He um, he’s terminal” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said, nodding “Um, it’s probably the end. He’s known since fall. I’ve been going back and forth between Donny and his mum and Robin’s house and been with them at the hospital.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s really nice of you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d do it for any of them, don’t get any crazy ideas” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t” Briana said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Louis said, grateful the kettle went off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? Like with your mom and stuff?” Briana asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You going for a TMZ story?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No…” Briana said awkwardly “You just seem off, was just trying to see how you were.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Louis said awkwardly, making a face when he sipped his tea </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. I um...don’t trust a lot of things and this is something Harry doesn’t want out. He did say I could tell you though cause of Fred. Sorry.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I get it, and I get why you don’t fully trust me. But what you said before, that Freddie will be happier the better we get along. I’m trying is what I’m saying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I can try to be less defensive” Louis conceded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to tell me, I was just asking.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, um thank you for asking. It’s hard, overwhelming at times and it was a lot. I was missing the lad so I just came. Oli got me an earlier flight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shitty things to stop happening to good people” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked for a little more and about upcoming things for Freddie. And soon enough Freddie was awake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got him” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could get used to this” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Big happy family?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, because I know that it wouldn't make you happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bri…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m kidding” Briana said laughing “I was mad at you for dating Dani when I was pregnant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, it was a shitty thing to do. Quite liked her but my timing was shit. I know” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They heard Freddie again and Briana just gave Louis and look and he headed up to get his son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were outside playing and Louis asked Briana to record Freddie’s football skills now that he was more stable on his feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you believe he’s almost a year and a half?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no” Louis said laughing as Freddie knocked himself over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was so little.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do regret that I missed so much before his first birthday, I never wanted to leave either of you like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and for what it’s worth Lou, that time with your mom was important.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and held the ball out for Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on lad” Louis said chasing after him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finished playing and Louis took him in and gave him a bath and got him ready for bed. Louis brought him back to Briana and then went up and showered himself and came down in fresh sweats and walked into the kitchen yawning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Coffee?” Briana asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need sleep. Haven’t been sleeping much, time difference. Not as young as I used to be” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can go to bed now, I put sheets in the guest room for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should eat first” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right.” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um so I still am a shit cook but I’ll happily pay for take away.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can make dinner” Briana said rolling her eyes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, maybe tomorrow when you’re not falling asleep” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deal” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go lay down, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Louis asked surprised </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea go” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took Freddie and put the TV on and laid on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie yawned and then Louis did the same, which earned him a big laugh from Freddie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was babbling away and Louis had him cuddled tight to him and started to fall asleep. Freddie patted his face and Louis held him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was out cold and flinched when someone was shaking him. “Louis” Briana kept saying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tomlinson wake the fuck up” She said louder</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis slurred</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to eat something” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right yea” Louis said blinking. “Times it?” He asked rubbing his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“7:30. You wouldn’t wake up so I fed Freddie and put a blanket on you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm thanks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can bring it to you” Briana offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m up” Louis said, attempting to sit up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are turning into an old man” Briana said laughing, giving him a hand to get up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just hamburgers, nothing fancy” She said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would eat jar shit at this point if it would get me to sleep again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I think my cooking is slightly better than that”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stood up and shivered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can take it with you” Briana said pointing to the blanket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bri” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” She asked turning around </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course Louis” She said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Freddie was still in his chair and started yelling out dada when Louis walked in. He kissed him on the head and sat down, Briana had even made him a fresh cup of tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really appreciate it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what friends do right” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis had been in LA for about a week. His water was restored yesterday but Briana said he could stay till he goes back to England to spend more time with Freddie. He had texted Harry twice and sent him a video of Freddie and didn’t get anything back. He texted Anne and Gemma to see how Robin was doing and they both answered him and just said he was still in the hospital. He asked Niall if he’d heard from Harry but all Niall said was that it seemed back form what Harry said in a text two days before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um I’m going back to England” Louis said, rushing around to get his stuff </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a gut feeling” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of what?” Briana asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something bad” Louis said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You wanna give me anything else?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No because I don’t have anything else.” Louis said annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell Briana, I don’t fucking know, alright. He’s not answering, his mum and sister aren’t, Niall hasn’t heard from him. I promised him and I know I’ve made other promises but this isn’t something anyone should have to fucking go through.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” She said gently “What can I do to help you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Find my other Vans, think Freddie was carrying them around.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Briana said, going into the other room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shoved everything into his bags and Oli confirmed his ticket back to Sheffield. He picked Freddie up and hugged him tight. “I’ll miss you lad, daddy loves you” Louis said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” Freddie said, trying to hug him too </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Louis said quietly “I’ll be back soon”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis smiled because it was another word Freddie had learned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be careful Louis” Briana said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will. And thank you” Louis said, some of the frustration leaving him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like you need another hug” Briana said, moving closer to him and Freddie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her and whispered a thank you. He hugged Freddie again and no matter how many times he had to leave him, it was always hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you lad” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Louis” Briana said, taking Freddie from him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Bri” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was antsy on the flight, his phone was about to die and he had just enough battery to text Oli when he landed. He just felt like something was wrong. Once they finally landed, Louis texted Oli that he landed and made his way to get his bags. It was later so there weren’t too many people around. He spotted Oli outside and quickly got in the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks mate” Louis said, putting his seatbelt on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck’s wrong with your phone. Niall and me have been trying to get a hold of you.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wasn’t sure why Oli seemed this frantic but he knew it wasn’t good. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Didn’t charge right. The fuck’s going on.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli handed him his car charger and Louis plugged it in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall called me earlier, said he sent you several messages throughout the day and didn’t answer. He talked to Harry yesterday and Robin took a turn. Niall’s flying in from Ireland, Liam said he’d be up tomorrow. Harry’s not good, Louis.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should have come back sooner.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s not on you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have known. He stopped answering” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You needed time away, but now you’re back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take me to Anne’s” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, it’s fucking late” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you know as well as I do, if it’s that bad no one’s fucking asleep.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I’m not fucking okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli squeezed his shoulder and they drove the rest of the way in silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to wait?” Oli said as he parked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you call me when I get back to Donny and tell me that you need me to pick you up. I’ll come pick your ass up but I’m gonna need a fucking raise.” Oli said, giving him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Already have it mate” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nahh” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do, but that’s not a conversation for tonight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Oli conceded. “You gonna be alright?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we’ll find out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli handed him his backpack and he grabbed his suitcase and went up to the door. The lights were on and he knocked. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Harry to answer or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” Gemma asked opening </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Gems” Louis said, looking down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oli need a place to stay tonight?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said he’d go back to Donny” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ask him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis dropped his bags and jogged back to Oli’s car. He was back in it and saw Louis before he drove away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma wanted to know if you wanted to stay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t want to be a bother. I’m fine to drive back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let me know when you’re there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes mum” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Oli” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go” Oli said, pointing to the house </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s good” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma hugged him tight and it was not the reaction Louis was expecting but he hugged her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Louis asked, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened? Everyone stopped answering” Louis said going into the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry was mad at you and I tried to tell him you needed to go but I think he felt like you left him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked down as Gema said it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Louis, you needed too. You were not okay at the hospital that day. He got less mad as the week went on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still never answered.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea because you both are too fucking stubborn” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling” Anne said, walking over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Anne” Louis said hugging her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Anne asked hugging him back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just had a feeling I needed to come back and then when Oli picked me up he said things were bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He took a turn, it’s only a matter of days, likely” Anne said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Louis said, hugging her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear some of Anne and Robin’s siblings in the kitchen and Louis didn’t want to be a bother and he felt awkward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, how's Harry?” Louis asked, swallowing hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s upstairs, he’s not taking it well.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have stayed” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I quite enjoyed the videos of Freddie so I’m glad you went. Louis you’ve already done more than enough, more than we could have ever asked of you. You also need to take care of yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. But I promised him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not mad, darling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Louis asked, surprised </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chided Gemma but Louis knew Gemma wouldn’t lie to her or Harry and he appreciated that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, if you think I should go or want me to I can” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Louis. You’re family, you’re always welcome here.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can take your jacket off and set your things down, now” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s in his room, why don’t you head on up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, thanks Anne” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne went back into the kitchen with their family and before he went upstairs, Gemma grabbed his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He walked out of the hospital two days ago and really hasn’t left his room since.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum and I, we told him things weren’t good tonight and he didn’t want us in his room with him. I tried to check on him but he kicked me out again.” “And before you say it, it’s not your fault and you being here wouldn’t have changed a fucking thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I go up?” Louis asked, nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you’re the only one he wants right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. He left his jacket and bags downtown and took the stairs two at a time to get to Harry’s room. He knocked on the door but no one answered. He could hear quiet sniffles and his heart instantly broke. He immediately said a prayer to his mum that she would help him be strong enough for Harry. He tried the knob and it opened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t say anything, but Louis could hear the sniffles. He got out of his sweatshirt and joggers since he was sure they still smelled like the airplane and stress and walked over to the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, it’s me” Louis said, kneeling on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought he heard Harry mumbled something so he got into the bed. Harry had his back to him so he laid next to him and spooned him and cuddled him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I left Haz, but I’m here now.” Louis said hugging him. He had his one arm holding onto Harry’s chest and ran his other hand through Harry’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry turned over and Louis moved so he could still hug Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea love, I’m right here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry turned around and buried his face into Louis’s chest, hugging him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you, I’m right here.” Louis said, hugging him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could feel his t-shirt absorbing Harry’s tears and his own tears started to fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s dying Louis” Harry sobbed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I’m so fucking sorry” Louis said hugging him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I left him there. I couldn’t be there” Harry said, still crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard H, I know. You can’t feel bad about it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was still sobbing, shoulders shuddering and Louis hugged him as tight as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if he dies and I haven’t gone back to see him?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He knows how much you love him and he knows that you thought of him as as actual dad. He knows all of that H, you do what you’re comfortable doing.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I need to see him, have to tell him.” Harry said panicking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, breathe, love. We’ll go back tomorrow okay” Louis said, trying to calm him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if he dies tonight, Gemma and mum, they um. They said it was bad.” Harry said, crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. They told me” Louis said, wiping his own eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how to do this” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got me, and I’m sorry I left. But I’m here. Whatever you need.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded. Louis pushed Harry’s sweaty hair off his forehead and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sucks” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Louis said, sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’s mad I left him. I just couldn’t see him like that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Harry, not at all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why does it feel so bad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re hurting and there’s no way to fix it.” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do.” Harry sobbed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go see him?” Louis asked “It’s the middle of the night but I’ll go with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You would?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to, he, it um it wasn’t peaceful the last time I saw him, he was really having a hard time and I couldn’t see him like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, H. He said from the beginning to do what you needed to do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss him already” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do. I do too.” Louis said “Come on love, let’s get dressed.” Louis said, rubbing Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got Harry into the bathroom and handed him his toothbrush and wiped his face down with a flannel. Louis did the same for himself and got Harry some clothes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright H?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nauseous” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s normal. We’ll get some crackers and tea before we leave.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Arms up” Louis said, grabbing Harry’s shirt when he realized Harry wasn’t moving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry let himself be dressed and Louis got himself a fresh shirt and ran down and got his bags and came up and changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put beanies on both of them since it was cold and Harry moved to get his keys but he was shaking so Louis took them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t mind?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course not” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went and told Anne and Gemma where they were going. Louis made them teas and put them into to-go cups and took some crackers out to hopefully help Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure Louis?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, Harry said he needs to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright to drive?” Anne asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay” Louis said honestly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming back for him” Anne whispered as she hugged Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Louis said back, feeling himself get emotional again. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis got their things and got Harry into his car and hopped into the driver’s seat. They were driving over when Louis noticed how fidgety Harry was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis reached over and gently held Harry’s hand, hoping it would calm him. Louis didn’t have any words that would help him and they communicated best with physical touches. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re here, H” Louis said, parking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I can do this” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got out of the car, grabbing the backpack Gemma packed them and opened Harry’s door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can, and if it’s disturbing Robin or upsetting you too much, we’ll leave. But I’m right here with you” Louis said, holding out his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took it and got out of his car and they walked to in the hospital together. Louis ignored the clammy feeling that washed over him and focused solely on Harry.   </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Harry needs Louis more than ever.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Harry and Louis made it up to Robin’s room without seeing a single person. They did see one of his doctors so they stopped to get an update. Louis could tell that most the things the doctor was saying weren not registering in Harry’s head. He’d heard these things before so he made mental notes to fill Harry and Anne in. What Louis did gather from the conversation was that things were not good and they were doing the best they could to keep Robin comfortable. He was most likely past having good days and it really was only a matter of time. Louis asked a handful of questions and Harry just nodded that it was alright for the doctor to answer them. They went into his room and found him sleeping. Louis was thankful for that, he wasn’t sure what Robin remembered, but he wasn’t quite sure he was ready for that conversation yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s sleeping H, you should too.” Louis said gently. Harry was already moving one of the chairs next to the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if something happens?” Harry asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll um, I’ll stay awake just in case.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really didn’t want to stay awake, he was exhausted between the flight and the time difference, but he would if it would relax Harry. He never wanted to see Harry how he found him earlier in his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had finished their teas already and Louis didn’t exactly want to play on his phone, he didn’t want the light to disturb Harry or Robin, and he figured it wouldn’t be good for his splitting headache. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry said, he tucked himself into his chair and laid his head on the bed. His step-siblings had spent the last few nights here and Robin made them all go home, but he felt guilty that he hadn’t been here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was quietly talking to Robin and Louis felt like he was intruding so he pulled his notebook out of his backpack and started writing, it at least gave him something to do. Harry fell asleep soon there after and Louis grabbed one of the extra blankets in the room and draped it over him. He went out into the hallway and got himself some water. He was staring at the water cooler when one of the nurses he recognized walked over to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Tomlinson, how are you?” She asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, please” He said, sipping his water </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry” She said “Can I get you anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh no, I’m alright, thank you” Louis said wincing at some noise from down the hall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Headache, but I’m fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We keep care bags for the families of patients at the nurses station, let me see if there’s anything in there to help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um thank you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He followed her over and she gave him a little bag of toiletries, it had a few breakfast bars inside as well as the exact thing he was looking for. Headache medication.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I really appreciate it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He remembered his wallet was in his bag and told her he’d be right back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, it’s free for the family or friends that stay with the patient. We have a benefactor that provides them after spending time here with a family member. It’s not usually an easy place to be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s not. I know that first hand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, sorry about your mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s really nice you all are still close.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re a fan” Louis said smirking after he swallowed the tablets </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit yes” She said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said laughing lightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And as a nurse, you should take that with a bit of food.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah but not my nurse” Louis said and then shaking his head and how weird that sounded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just felt like I should say that” She said awkwardly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um sorry, that was probably inappropriate. Or it wasn’t and my head just hurts too much to think” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you get some rest, Robin has been pretty steady so far.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promised I’d stay up in case anything happened” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise you that the alarms and machines will beep if something happens.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis conceded. “And thank you, for everything” Louis said, holding up the little bag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just press the call button if you need us or the doctors.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hopefully not, but thanks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He quietly made his way back into Robin’s room and curled up in the other chair. He was losing the sleep battle and as hard as he tired he couldn’t keep his eyes open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next thing Louis heard was a soft voice telling him to wake up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, you’re about to fall out of the chair.” a voice said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stirred enough that when he woke up Gemma was bracing one of his legs and shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma?” He asked trying to sit up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You looked quite uncomfortable” She said, helping him sit up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Time’s it?” He asked yawning</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About seven, are you alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, um hadn’t meant to fall asleep.” Louis said looking at the blanket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nurse said the doctor put it on you when he came in to do rounds this morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh um thanks” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was finally waking up and saw that Harry was still asleep next to Robin’s bed and Robin was still asleep as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should go back to the house and shower and nap.” Gemma offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t leave him again” Louis said, pointing to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He should go to. You both look like shit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well thanks Gems, always lovely to see you as well” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you don’t want the mouthwash tablets I brought?” Gemma asked, handing him a small bag </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I would love those” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She just laughed and he happily chewed one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could kiss you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gross, at least brush your teeth first” She said poking him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and flipped her off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you and my stupid brother?” Gemma said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we’re okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are, I talked to him after he sent you that text and told him that you needed to do it for you and that you weren’t leaving him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, even if I did kinda leave him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you needed to, it’s a lot Louis. Being here everyday, I don’t have to tell you that. Just maybe use your words instead of fleeing the country next time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Duly noted.” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There is containers of coffee and tea out at the nurses station. Mum asked me to bring them for everyone, she’s in meeting with the doctors now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of tea” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think like normal tea” Gemma said “Black coffee too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just made a face at the suggestion of a black coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty sure my stomach couldn’t handle a black coffee.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to make you a tea?” Gemma asked, realizing Louis wasn’t quite coherent yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it, thank you though” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wake Harry, surprised you both slept through the rounds.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I’m too exhausted” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understandable” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma woke Harry and he seemed confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, need to wake up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry woke up and rubbed his eyes and looked around. Luckily the doctors had left the lights off in the room, but his eyes still burned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning” Harry said, yawning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tea, H?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm please” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and looked at Gemma to see if she wanted one too but she just held up her to-go cup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was bleary-eyed but went out into the hallway. He made the two teas and went back into Robin’s room. He was awake and Louis glued some tea, burning his mouth. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, hello” Robin said happily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Robin” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Burnt me tongue” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma, can you go try and find me something to eat, please.” Robin asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you have a feeding…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Gems” Robin said giving her a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Gemma said nodding, seeing that he wanted to talk to the boys separately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Harry asked him, sitting back in the chair next to the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay” Robin said nodding “How are you two doing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, yea” Louis said quickly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boys” Robin said, giving them both looks </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you two need time away, it’s alright. I understand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis said, looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, yea” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure you two shouldn’t be in the hospital yourselves? You both look worse than me” Robin said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry just looked at each other and Robin just started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m kidding” Robin said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably not wrong” Louis said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robin started coughing and some of the monitors started beeping. Louis jumped and Harry just froze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put the mask back on him and he started to calm down. “Haz he’s alright” Louis said, sitting him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay” Robin said, lifting the mask </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep it on” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robin nodded and left it alone. Louis saw Harry visibly breathe out and sit back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked with Robin for a little when he got more serious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you have done everything for us, Anne told me what happened with me saying I saw Jay. I wish I knew what happened but I don’t. But I do firmly believe she would agree with all of those things.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. “Thank you” He said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And Harry, you have done more for all of us then that we could ever repay you for. You will still always be the little kid that told me it was your job to protect your mum, and you will still always be the sixteen year old that left home to follow your dreams. I couldn’t be more proud to know and love you both, never feel guilty for needing a few days away. I quite liked the videos of little Fredie too. I had a good life boys, and I’m thankful you both have been here with me.” Robin said smiling at both of them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just looked at Louis and gave him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really thankful for both of you being with me through this. You two make sure to lean on each other, despite everything that has happened between you, you still need each other. I’m really proud of you two for taking care of each other.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re friends, do anything for each other” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you two go home and shower, take a nap and then when you come back, could you please bring a deck of cards.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure? We can stay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You boys have been here since the middle of the night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright” Robin said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, we’ll be back later than” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Robin, for everything” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Louis” Robin said hugging him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis walked over to the door to wait for Harry, wanting to give them some space. He felt like he was intruding so he stepped out and leaned against the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry walked out and Louis could see he was trying to hold it together so Louis just nodded and pointed to the elevator. Anne and Gemma were waiting for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Which one of you is driving home?” Anne asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I have the keys” Louis said, fishing them out of his pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis you look like you’re about to fall asleep” Anne said, concern all over her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I actually don’t think I should drive.” Louis said, he was bleary eyed and his headache was creeping back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay to drive. I think I slept longer than he did.” Harry said, taking his keys back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, just be safe” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes mum” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Anne” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Call us if anything happens?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, now go take a nice hot shower and then get some rest.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And tell Robin we won’t forget his deck of cards” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne just smiled and hugged them both goodbye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked out quietly and got to Harry’s car. He paused when they reached it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, I’m serious, I don’t think I can drive.” Louis said rubbing his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not that. I can” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Louis asked walking over to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, what if that was the last time I see him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. It’s why I had so much trouble leaving me mum. Because you don’t know.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He seemed okay though right?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He seemed to be doing okay when we left him. We had a nice chat, he asked for cards.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fucking stupid becuase I can’t do anything even if I am there and something happens, I’ve frozen both times but you didn’t. So I don’t know. I’m talking shit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s very hard walking out of those sterile walls not knowing what the fuck is going to happen. It’s also fucking hard as shit to shit there and see someone you love suffering or in pain and not you can’t do a fucking thing to change it. It’s all hard, H. But you haven’t let him down. And of course you don’t know what to do, love you got squeamish when I split my chin open on Niall’s knee playing football. So I don’t think the nurse was expecting you to know what to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you’re right” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I’m right” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just gave him a small smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now if we don’t get into your cushiony Rover right now I may collapse from exhaustion.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dramatic much” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said, sticking his tongue out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were in the car and Harry was convinced that Louis was asleep before his ass even hit the seat. Harry let him sleep, it wasn’t a long drive back to his mums. His stepbrother texted him that they had already left for the hospital so it would be quiet for them to nap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, wake up” Harry said, shaking him slightly. Harry hated waking Louis, it was the literally one of the things he hated the most. Waking Louis should have been considered a full time job back in the day. If Harry was up before him it would start out with a cuddle and kisses and then Harry would start shaking him and it would end with Harry demanding he get his ass up and stealing all the blankets which only resulted in a grumpy Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, go in and sleep in a bed” Harry said, shaking him harder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm” Louis said turning over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m too tired to carry your ass in there” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t carry me” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can” Harry said getting out of the car. He would open Louis’ door but he was curled up against it and Harry figured he really shouldn’t give Louis a concussion on top of everything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pick me up and see what happens” Louis challenged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, I’m tired too” Harry whined </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m up, I’m fucking up” Louis said, grumbling as he got out of the car </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need a shower, too tired to shower” Louis said as they walked into the house </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll feel better” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I know that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go shower in mine. I’ll use my mum’s” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could share” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said, shoving him in the other direction </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally took his bags up with him and went into the bathroom. His stubble was irritating him, like most things were right now so he shaved it off. He sent a picture of his have shaven face to Lottie and Fizzy to see their thoughts on his new look. Lottie flat out told him he looked ridiculous and she hoped he was kidding while Fizzy told him that it was terrible but she’d support him. He texted with them for a few minutes before he got into the shower. The hot water felt amazing and he was pretty sure he moaned out loud. His body was sore from sleeping on the plane and the hospital chair and the thought it was technically two days since he slept in a bed. He didn’t want to be presumptuous but he really hoped that Harry would be okay with sharing his bed again. The guest rooms were being used by Robin’s children and Louis wouldn’t sleep in Gemma’s without her permission but he honestly wasn’t sure he could handle the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished showering, using all of Harry’s products since he doesn’t bring them back and forth. He only had one pair of clean boxers and joggers left and was hoping Harry would let him do laundry. He was out of clean shirts and clean pajama pants and figured he was going to have to ask Oli to bring him some clothes. He walked back into Harry’s room and found him standing in nothing but a towel. He himself only had his boxers on and it was a little unsettling to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I steal a pair of pajama pants and a shirt. I literally only have one clean pair of boxers and joggers left.” Louis said, towel drying his hair </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, course” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had turned to the side and was rummaging in his drawers when Louis got an eyeful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Haz, towel” Louis said, trying to look anywhere else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit sorry” Harry said, adjusting his towel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like I haven’t seen it before, but like mates don’t, you know what I mean” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Louis” Harry said handing him some clothes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got himself dressed and asked to use the washer and when Louis came back into the room Harry was fully clothed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t offer you another bed, so I think you’re stuck with me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay” Louis said giving him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got into bed and Louis was pretty sure his eyes were already closed when Harry started talking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for going off on you over text. You told me in your own way you were struggling with everything and I shouldn’t have been a dick. I knew how much Robin talking about your mum upset you, I get you needing space and missing Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, I understand why it felt like I was leaving you and breaking my promise. I should have directly told you how I felt.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Lou, you have nothing to apologize for. I just wanted to make sure we’re okay” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could sense the nervousness in his voice and so he rolled over to face Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay, would take a lot more for you to get rid of me” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Harry said nodding</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, go to sleep. I’m gonna be bloody fucking pissed if you don’t let me sleep soon” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still facing Harry but slung his arm across Harry and Harry did the same. They both were asleep fairly quickly. They woke up after lunch and Louis tossed his clothes in the dryer and they finally ate a proper meal. Harry had even made Louis his sandwich while he had been finding dry clothes to wear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, eyeing up his lunch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Least I could do” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um can I ask you something?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just did” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Smartass” Louis said rolling his eyes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I found you in your room last night, why did you shut your mum and sister out. You were really upset, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Harry” Louis said, giving him a look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to upset them. They were so upset when they got him and had to tell me. I should have been with them and the harder I tried to not cry, the more I cried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should have called me” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was embarrassed. I was a dick” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should know it would take more than you telling me to fuck off to keep me mad at you. Plus, we’ve had far more embarrassing moments together.” Louis said, giving Harry a small laugh</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright true” Harry said laughing “Just wasn't sure how to text you and tell you that I needed you after that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you’re here now, so thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finished their lunch and got ready to head back to the hospital. Harry got the deck of cards, per Robin’s orders and soon enough they were back in his hospital playing going fish with his step-siblings, mum and Gemma. They were all having a good time despite everything else but all of a sudden Robin seemed to be having a hard time breathing and machines started beeping. Louis was the closest to the call button and pushed it he was sure at least a hundred times. He got Gemma and Harry out of the way as the doctors and nurses rushed in. They were asked to wait in the hallway and soon enough one of the nurses came out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne” The nurse said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne just nodded and they crowded behind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to intubate him, I’m so sorry but this is end. His body is fighting itself and his functions are starting to fail.” She said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt Harry reach for his hand and hold onto it for dear life. Louis squeezed back and put his other arm around Gemma. He was slightly twisted since he had been behind Harry, who was also clinging to Gemma. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can be in there to be with him, but it’s a tough procedure to watch. It’s up to you” She said going back in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt an icy chill run over him. That was something he knew he couldn’t do, no matter what promises he had made. He couldn’t be there for that. He’d seen it once and it was something he never wanted to see again. He listened as everyone agreed they’d go in. He felt Harry tug his hand but he stood frozen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, I um, I can’t” Louis said, feeling his mouth dry out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said quietly </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He let go and went to follow his mum in when Louis tugged him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here, I’ll be in the sitting area, I just can’t be there for that part. I’m sorry” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s okay. I understand” Harry said. Louis knew that looks, it was soft and warm and Harry got it and it made Louis feel slightly less shity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s um, it’s not easy to watch. Just be sure you’re okay” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll come find you in a little” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and went and found himself a water and got onto the sofa. He had hot angry tears that wouldn’t go away, everything was going fine, they were playing cards and then this happened. He was angry that there was no cure and that people had to suffer. He pulled his knees up and just buried his face into them. He never wanted to go through this again, never wanted anyone to. He hoped they would all stay in there for a little after procedure was over so he could hopefully get himself together. He was still sniffling when he heard a familiar Irish accent. He lifted his head and saw his best friend sans blonde hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo” Niall said as he walked quicker to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis said, sitting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall pulled him into a bone crushing hug and Louis hugged him back just as tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Niall asked sitting down next to where he was. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis drew his knees back up and rested his head on them but turned to look at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are intubating him. Well it’s probably happened already. But they did it to me mum and I couldn’t see that again. So I stayed out here” Louis said, feeling his voice catch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall put his hand on Louis’ shoulder and squeezed it before he hugged him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I came over from Ireland, when Harry said how bad it was I didn’t know what to do. I tried getting here sooner but my flight was cancelled and then delayed. I got a room and ditched my stuff and came here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re here” Louis said, he felt his voice catch. He still wasn’t quite sure how to voice this much vulnerability, even to Niall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talked to Payno. Cheryl has a fever so he’s staying away so he doesn’t infect anyone and he has to take care of Bear.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No course, H’ll understand” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Said to keep him updated. Said you’ve been doing a shit job at it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, sorry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo” Niall said, giving him a sad look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright?” Niall asked, his hand going back to Louis’ shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Louis mumbled and shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need some space, I’m here now.” Niall offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t break another promise to him.” Louis said “I told him I couldn’t go in and that I’d be here when he came out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was at least glad Louis’ wasn’t pushing himself into something that would lead to another downward spiral. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time you fuck off to LA at least tell us” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Louis said, rolling his eyes</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both heard a door open and looked over to see it was the door to Robin’s room. Harry walked out first and Louis wished he’d looked away before he saw the look on Harry’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Louis said standing up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked over and saw Niall and was confused, but was glad to see him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Harry said, his voice sounding pained and scratchy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall hugged him tightly, one of the his best hugs, he folded himself into Harry and tried to absorb as much of his pain as he could. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hey Harry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They broke from their hug and Louis and Harry exchanged an awkward glance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get you anything?” Niall asked Harry</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Water, please?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Niall said nodding, he looked at Louis who just shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shook his head and walked over to the window, he took a few deep breathes but then he gagged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright” Louis said calmly, getting him over to the trashcan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to talk but Louis just shook his head and rubbed his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, just breathe for me, yea” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took a few deep breaths, they both were crouched down and Niall came back with a water for Harry and some extras. Small sips “Hazza” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall helped Harry steady the water and Louis steadied Harry. Louis was sure this was doing a number on Niall’s knees, especially after he saw him wince but Niall kept softly talking to Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couch” Harry mumbled out and they got him sitting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking terrible, that...I can’t…” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck would you know you weren’t fucking there” Harry said, getting agitated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall gazed at Louis' reaction, he flinched slightly but stayed calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the only one with mum when they did it, I was scared she’d be scared to be alone even though they had given her medicine to sleep. I knew I couldn’t do it, it’s why I stayed here.” Louis said, trying to keep his temper even </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck” Harry yelled again</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m doing the best I can H, and staying out here was best for all of us.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is it not hurting him or summat?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They give medication first” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens when he wake up?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis saw Niall visibly flinch because while Louis may have been the only one to have finished school and none of them were versed in the medical field, it wasn’t hard to know that Robin might not wake up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If he wakes up and he fights it I think they take it out” Louis said, trying not to be the one to tell Harry things just got much more serious </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If?” Harry asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice sounded to sad and broken but Louis didn’t want to lie to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum came off it for a little, but sometimes people don’t” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So when” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H” Louis cautioned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No he will, right?” Harry asked, gaze flickering between Niall and Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne walked into the room right as Harry asked and Louis only prayed she’d heard and would take this one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t know, baby” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Anne” Niall said, he stood and gave her a hug and offered her some water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall, darling. Thank you so much for coming” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t fully know how close the boys still were, Harry talked about them and she would ask about them but it made her happy knowing that even though they went months without each other, they’d always come if needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno sends his love. Cheryl is a bit ill and so he has to take care of the baby” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bless him” Anne said, Harry had told her that he had been worried about being a dad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um me mam also is having lunch sent over, probably more food than you lot can all eat, but she wanted to do something since she’s back in Ireland” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were too?” Anne asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, got in this morning” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Anne said, hugging him again</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She put her hand on Louis’ shoulder and squeezed it, Louis taking it in his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get you anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright” She said, dabbing her eyes “Needed a moment” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and Anne went back to looking at Harry who was still half slumped against Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby, would you like to come back in?” Anne asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um in a minute” Harry mumbled out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Anne said, kissing the top of his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall said back down next to Harry and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, both of you.” Harry said with a thin voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just hugged him tighter and he felt Louis hug him from the side. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Niall always catches them.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's taking longer again for updates. I know, I know. I'm cringing at this chapter too. </p><p>There is still some personal things going on which are making it hard to find time to update, but please let m know what you think. Comments always encourage me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They had been at the hospital all day, Harry eventually going back in to see Robin, with Niall and Louis behind him. He was just drained and was pretty sure he should have been keeping it together better for his family but his sister and step-siblings weren’t doing a good job either. Anne asked Niall and Louis if they wanted to go down to the cafeteria with them for dinner. The five of them wanted to have a family dinner and Niall and Louis both said they’d stay with Robin, not wanting to intrude. Niall and Louis were slumped into the chairs against the wall quietly chatting and Niall knew Louis well enough to know when to quiet down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d you do this everyday for your mum and now with Robin?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged, biting his nails. “Just do it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it always this draining?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not everyday, just the bad days” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would you do all day, like just sit here? What do they do all day in the bed?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall I love you, but if you don’t bloody shut the fuck up I’m going to have them put you to sleep” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, okay” Niall said, he got up and paced around the room. He’s never done anything like this. He did visit Jay a few times, but other than babies being born and his own knee surgery he wasn’t familiar with hospitals.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis barked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha” Niall said spinning around </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your pacing is making me nauseous” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Niall said sitting back down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall sat back in the chair next to Louis and Louis realized how uncomfortable Niall was and he felt like a dick for snapping at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Ni” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put his arm around Niall’s shoulders and he felt him relax a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just feel fucking useless” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because we are. Yea we can get tea, or lunch or water. But we can’t actually fix what’s wrong and it’s one of the hardest fucking things ever” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall sniffled and Louis hugged him. Louis was used to this hospital life but clearly Niall wasn’t and he never let anyone near Jay if she was having a bad day so of course Niall only saw her on days where she was herself. And the visit Niall had with Robin a few weeks before, he was still very much Robin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The arm of the chairs was digging into both of their rib cages but Niall put his head on Louis’ shoulder anyway and Louis was hugging him like both their lives depended on it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’sorry” Niall said, wiping his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to explain random fits of crying to me, lad” Louis said, he used his sleeve and wiped Niall’s eyes. Which earned him a weird look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, sorry. Force of habit now with Freddie” Louis said, realizing what Niall meant</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gross you’re a proper dad now” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess I am” Louis said, letting out a small laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It lightened the mood, which Louis was grateful for. He felt like Niall kept trying to peer into his soul because this quiet person that was sitting still couldn’t have been Louis but Niall didn’t want to start another awkward conversation. They sat in silence, not untangling themselves from each other yet. When Louis started smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve gone mad, mate” Niall said, looking at him, confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember Harry’s nineteenth birthday? When Robin started singing all of our songs, and doing all the weird dance moves we made up to piss Paul off?” Louis asked smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was so funny, Anne was cheering him on and all four kids were cringing, we maybe have encouraged it too” Niall said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he might have been our biggest fan” Louis said laughing </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thought that was me?” Niall asked, fake pouting</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno lad, think he beat you out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He just always wanted what was best for all of us” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He did, he’s the best” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Lou?” Niall asked, elbowing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should fucking call Mark” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just looked at him confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know things got a little rocky between us after him and me mum divorced. And I guess I was too immature to understand he was still me dad, that DNA didn’t connect you to a person. And he was still around for the girls but I didn’t make much of an effort, but I did with my grandparents. But not with Mark and fucking hell Gemma was fucking right” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m confused” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin being like a father figure to me, because he was. And he was the one to convince me that maybe Mark wasn’t fully to blame, that he was giving me space and it’s bloody stupid because I wasn’t a little kid and he wasn’t leaving me or the girls but I thought he was and I didn’t want them to know what that feels like. Him and mum didn’t work anymore but it wasn’t him fucking leaving us but that’s how I took it. And being on tour all the time was a good excuse to not have to deal with any of that. I still saw him and he was still supportive but Robin was right all along. And he never got fucking mad at me when I was being a stubborn shit.” Louis said rambling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was fully sure that Louis had lost his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does feel like losing another dad” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew that was deep in his head and somehow all just spilled out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Lou” Niall said, hugging him hard </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sniffled and Niall sniffled and they both were a mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what you do Ni, you think about everything and anything.” Louis said sniffling again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go call Mark, you alright by yourself?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall nodded and figured he’d just play on his phone. Shortly after Louis left rest of them came back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Louis?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, he went to call mark. Had some sort of lightbulb moment or summat” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just looked at Niall confused but he nodded anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Brought you both some food back” Harry said, handing it to Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Haz” Niall said, opening the bag. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the family spread throughout the room and Harry sat in Louis’ empty chair and rested his head on Niall’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna stay tonight but you can go back to mum’s and sleep if you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I got a room at the inn down the road.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to intrude” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, stay at mum’s.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think all you kids should go and get a good night's sleep. I’m planning on staying tonight” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The four of them looked at each other but Anne was giving them a look like she wasn’t going to argue about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we’ll all go” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should wait for Tommo to get back” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma just nodded and they just chatted. Niall was growing more uncomfortable with being in the room, it was like they were just talking around Robin and the fact he was unconscious. Louis eventually came back in and Niall was thankful. If he said or did the wrong thing Louis would just tell him but he knew Harry wouldn't and he didn’t want to hurt Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Harry looked at each other, his face was blotchy and his eyes puffy but Louis just shook his head and they both knew when to drop it. It was pretty late and visiting hours were well past over and the nurse told them that they couldn’t all stay. Robin’s son ended up staying with Anne but the rest of them went back to the house. They grabbed Niall’s things from the hotel and were all just wordlessly playing a game at the kitchen table. Eventually they all decided to call it a night and Gemma found an air mattress so Niall wasn’t on the floor. He dumbly asked where Louis was sleeping but then picked up on the awkward look Louis and Harry shared. Niall was sure they both knew this was more than platonic but he wasn’t going to be the one to start it. The three of them laid under their respective blankets and talked and if they thought hard enough then it was still 2013, everyone was very much alive and they were in some fancy hotel they didn’t fully appreciate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning Harry made breakfast and they took some with them for the others, Anne looked exhausted but wouldn’t leave Robin’s side. Louis and Niall were back in the sitting room, not wanting to intrude on family time when Niall nudged him with his foot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked looking up from his phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened last night?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno what you mean?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With Mark” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We talked” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not some secret crush I’m holding out about” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No but I didn’t know you and Mark were having issues to begin with” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not issues, just distance” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said, not wanting to piss Louis off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We talked through things, alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what’s up with you, getting closer to that album release” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nervous” Niall admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure people will like me by meself” Niall shrugged</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the cute one, of course they will like you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ditched his phone and now had his head on Niall’s thigh. Niall poked his forehead but he didn’t move and just glared at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn't mean they’ll like my music” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve played some of it for me, quite liked it. It’s you and your beloved guitar what’s not to like?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly you and Haz both need more confidence with your albums coming out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um we didn’t exactly make it solo, we failed at that remember?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were fucking teenagers, come a long way since then” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess so” Niall shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry came back out of Robin’s room and laid on the other side of Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He um, he hasn’t woken up yet” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Louis both knew this, they would have known if he had woken up. But Louis just reaches across Niall and ran his fingers through Harry’s hair and Niall just puts his hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A little while later Anne comes into the sitting room and found the three of them asleep, she gently wakes them and asks if they want food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can go and get something” Louis offered, yawning as he woke up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can go to” Niall mumbled as he tried to straighten out his back after sleeping like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Robin?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um no change really, his heart rate had dropped again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want you can go back to the house” Anne offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Harry said, shaking his head </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctors were calling Anne back and lunch was never finalized. The three of them sat there and none of them knew what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish we had a football” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could go for a kickaround” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can later when we go home” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that quickly they went back to being quiet. Later on Harry wanted to go back and talk to Robin, first by himself but after a while he came and got the boys, the others were around the hospital but Harry didn’t want to be alone. The rest of them had come back in and Louis and Niall ditched their chairs so the other four could have them. They were leaning against each other on the wall when things started to beep. Louis pushed Niall out of the room but the others hadn’t budged. He could see the fear in Niall’s eyes and saw him shaking a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay Ni” Louis said, hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does that mean?” Niall asked but cut himself off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t know what it means” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all knew the inevitable was coming but it didn’t make it easier. The rest of them hadn’t come out yet but Louis heard all the beeping stop. Soon enough the doctors and nurses started filing out of the room. Gemma walked out and over to Niall and Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gem?” Louis asked, she was ashen and couldn’t figure out how to talk. Louis hugged her and then tried to figure out what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, he um, the paperwork him and mum had done. They um, this was.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma” Louis said, looking her in the eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what he wanted” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma, make sense, love” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s it” Gemma said, tears now falling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall had a look of horror on his face and Louis was trying to keep it together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum, said to come back please” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and drug Niall behind him. They went in and more machines were off than when they had left. Anne walked up to them and Louis hugged her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want, you can be in here, or just um say your goodbyes if you’d like. We’ll clear out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh um you don’t” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s okay” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was clinging to Louis like he had all the answers but Louis wanted, no needed to do this himself. He gently pushed Niall to the door and told him to follow Haz, and Niall nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thanked Robin for always believing in him and in him and Harry. He told him how much he valued him and loved him and that he would make sure everyone was alright. He wiped his tears away before he placed a gently kiss on Robin’s cheek and squeezed his hand, asking him to give his mum a big cuddle for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to take too long, didn’t know how much time was left, but was grateful he got to say goodbye. Niall’s was much shorter and when he came out he was already fumbling for his own phone to call his dad. Gemma and Harry went in together and then Robin’s two children and then Anne. Anne came back out and got them all and Louis was going to find Niall when Harry tugged on his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Lou?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded, Harry was asking for him and as much as Louis didn’t want to do this, Harry needed him to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was behind Harry and their right hands were clutched together. Louis had his face pressed into Harry’s back to try and get himself together, but it wasn’t working. He had his left arm around Harry’s waist, practically connecting them everywhere they could. A minister came in to bless him and Louis didn’t know why that made him so emotional, but it did. They hadn’t talked about Louis being there for this part and Louis didn’t think he wanted to be. He was with his grandparents and Dan when his mum passed. Lottie and Fizzy joining at the last second but he really didn’t think he wanted to watch anyone else take their last breaths again. He felt that hot, prickly, clammy feeling all over again and he hated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, I need some air” Louis whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like this was a family thing and he was intruding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry looked like he was conflicted on what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll just be in the room with Ni” Louis told him “You stay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and Louis squeezed his hand and found Niall on the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was sitting there, just staring at the floor. He looked over when Louis walked in and sat next to him. Louis buried his face in Niall’s shoulder and Niall just put an arm around them. There wasn’t anything else to say. Louis didn’t think he was crying, no sound came out but he could feel Niall’s shirt getting wet so he knew he was. Niall’s face was all red and Louis could feel him shuddering underneath his head so he knew Niall was doing about as well as he was. Louis wanted to leave, but he couldn’t leave Harry. He eventually calmed himself down enough and went to the window. He took a few breaths of fresh air and went to get them some tea. Briana had called him a few times and he remembered he didn’t talk to Freddie the day before and it made him feel like shit. She just wanted to make sure he was alright so he texted her back that things weren’t good and he couldn't talk. He handed Niall a tea and sat down next to him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do we do now?” Niall asked, his voice cracking when he spoke </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We wait” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what?” Niall asked, turning the tea around in his hands </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then whatever it is they need us to do” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just nodded. They just sat there, there didn’t need to be words. Louis looked out the door when they heard some commotion. He looked up at the ceiling and really hoped what he thought was happening wasn’t happening. He could feel the tears starting again and then he felt Niall’s hand in his. He looked over at Niall, who was basically asking him if this was it without words and Louis just nodded. He didn’t pray often or much at all really, but he prayed that his mum and Robin would at least have each other and he prayed that Anne and them would be able to be okay. Their teas were long cold on the table and all of a sudden Louis saw Harry stumble into the hallway. Louis was to him before he even knew his ass had left the sofa. He hugged him tight. He was on his toes and wrapped one hand around Harry’s upper back and the other behind his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Louis whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had his face buried into Louis’s chest and was sobbing, and Louis was worried he was going to suffocate. He saw Niall at the doorway and he looked lost. He led Harry into the room and got him onto the sofa. He immediately reached out for Louis and buried his face into his chest again. He was shaking with his sobs and Louis couldn’t do anything to stop his own tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you” Louis mumbled and as soon as he said it he felt stupid, but anyhting he said would have made him feel stupid. Niall was hugging Harry’s back and he was safely between them. Slowly the rest of the family walked in and Louis closed his eyes, because it was too painful to see. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry always wore his emotions on his sleeve and he was the youngest, maybe he was in denial with how it was but while the others were upset, Harry clearly was the most distraught. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I have paperwork I have to sign” Anne said. Louis opened his eyes and it looked like was was being supported by Gemma and their step-brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Robin’s children took Anne to do whatever she needed to do and Gemma came over and Niall gave her his seat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Gemma said, gently putting her hand on his back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just cried harder into Louis and Louis was at a loss of what to do. It wasn’t quite as bad as he and his sisters were but it wasn’t good either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry turned into Gemma’s open arms and hugged her. Louis stood up and walked over to the window for some air. The next thing he knew was Niall hugging him tight and telling Louis what a good friend he was. Louis just nodded and let Niall hug him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon enough the rest of them were back and it was time to leave. Louis really wished he and Niall had come separately because he was starting to panic, all of a sudden he felt like he was back in December and he was leaving his mum for the very last time. Niall noticed and tried to get him out of whatever trance he was in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo, Tommo” Niall said, shaking his shoulders </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t leave mum” Louis whispered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall left him there and told the others to go with Harry’s step-brother and asked Anne for her keys, they would follow behind. They looked at him weird but agreed. Niall ran back in and found Louis right where he left him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, it’s Niall. Come on, just me and you” Niall said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your mum’s not here Lou” Niall said gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was trying to figure out where Louis went and he didn’t know what to do. He wrapped an arm around Louis’ shoulders and luckily he came with when Niall walked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They made it down to the car and Niall got Louis in and closed the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t leave mum” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Niall said, grabbing one of his hands “We’re not leaving your mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum’s gone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She is Lou, I’m so sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just put his head in his hands and cried. Niall drove and pulled into a mostly empty parking lot, he didn’t think he should take Louis back like this. He parked and hugged Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said, voice shaky </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, are you alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t um know what happened, if it was a panic attack or what” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded, he didn’t either. The last thing he remembers is sitting on the sofa with Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you um want me to keep driving around or do you want to go to Anne’s?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Harry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s with his family. They are all in the other car.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did I leave him again?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you um, after Gemma came in to Harry you got up and then just kinda froze. And you um talked about not leaving your mum” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really, don’t think any of them are” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should go then” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall still looked freaked out and somewhere Louis knew he was the reason for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay” Niall said, nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou you do know um that your mum” Niall said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She died, Ni. I’m not fucking stupid” Louis snapped</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Niall said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ride back was silent, but Niall held onto Louis’ hand even after Louis got it off of him, Niall put it right back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were back at Anne’s and Louis had gotten out of whatever headspace he was in. No one talked much, some other family came over and Louis put some dish in the oven and took it out without burning it but no one really ate much. Harry had gone to lay down with Gemma by the time they got back and Anne asked if they were alright and Niall just said he got lost. He’s pretty sure she didn’t believe him but he knew Louis would kill him if he told her the truth. She’d heard him mumble about his mum and was worried it was too much for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was just the two of them in the kitchen when Anne spoke up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis I don’t know what your plans are but obviously we would like you at the services if you can go. I understand how much this has been for you, and if you can’t I fully understand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. Course I’ll be there.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry said he doesn’t want to go to the planning, do you think you could stay with him tomorrow, the rest of us are going to go.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea of course.” Louis said “Anything else I can do” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to tell me what happened back at the hospital?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard you mumble something about your mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I uh, I’m not sure what happened. Niall filled me in, apparently I thought I was leaving her. I think it was a panic attack or summat” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Louis” Anne said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, now” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You being here means a lot to all of us, I know Harry is grateful for it. But I just need to know if you’re alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay. Having Niall has helped too”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, and please tell me if it happens again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis nodded. “How are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not to sure at the moment” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her again because he didn’t know what else to do and he may not have been hugging his mum but he was hugging a mum that like a mum to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma and Harry walked into the kitchen and Harry tossed a football to Louis, who caught it just before it hit the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No playing in the house” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said we could have a kickabout tonight” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s dark” Louis said, looking out the window </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you said we could, where’s Niall?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With your aunts I think” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go get him” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you said we could, why do you keep promising things and then lying.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry I” Louis said, stunned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis walked into the living room and dropped the ball into Niall’s lap. “Get your fucking boots” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew he had them with him because they all always traveled with them. Harry was already coming down the stairs, tossing Louis’ boots to him. He caught them with a huff and tried to be understanding but this wasn’t Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t have the emotional energy to put his football boots on, let alone play. He heard grumblings from Niall but saw him go up the stairs to get his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He flipped the porch light on and hoped it would light the garden enough for them to at least see the ball. And everyone made fun of him when he found glow in the dark ones, it would be real useful right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on” Harry demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me at least grab a fucking hoodie” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were snapping at each other and Louis knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were in the back garden and Louis went into the shed and grabbed the bag of balls he and Harry had pumped up one of the first times Louis had stayed over. Harry might not have had a net but if it was Harry needing to release some emotions they were going to need more than one ball. It was a cool night for June and Louis pulled his hood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had already tried to kick the ball so hard that he whiffed and ended up flat on his arse. Louis tried not to laugh but it came out anyway and only earned him a glare. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um how do you want to do this?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you just kick the football, it’s not hard” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?” Harry asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked, you told me and now we can do it” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was again a little lost because anyone else Louis would not have just agreed to it, there would have been eye rolls and sarcastic comments. But he was pretty much just taking everything Harry said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were kicking around and Louis was in a part where the light wasn’t the brightest and he lost the ball for a second and Harry yelled at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t fucking see, Haz” Louis yelled back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was trying to figure out if Harry wanted to fight with Louis or was actually mad at him for something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall suggested they switch it up and he be in the fake goal and Harry and Louis play a one of one. Whatever it was Harry was only taking it out on Louis so he was trying to speed up whatever inevitable fight Harry was trying to have. Usually that was Louis’ thing but Louis wasn’t biting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both had scored on Niall and he was a shit goalkeeper, but he also couldn’t see very well and if he tricked them into running around to get some energy and aggression out then nobody needed to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Move” Harry yelled, jamming his elbow into Louis’ ribs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said move” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking move, I’m allowed to defend before the goal” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those aren’t the rules” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are no fucking rules” Louis yelled back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was better at football than Harry, much better and everytime Harry went to move, Louis blocked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said fucking move” Harry said, throwing another elbow </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis caught it this time but they got tangled together and Louis went down with Harry still fighting him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wrapped his arms around Harry but Harry was still trying to wiggle out of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t there in the car” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here now” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Niall was honestly surprised at Louis’ strength to hold Harry to the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was yelling and Louis was yelling and the next thing Niall knew Harry was crying and Louis was telling him it was alright and he needed to cry. Niall had a headache from what just happened, he collected the discarded footballs and went in the house to give them some privacy. Anne found him in the kitchen and asked where the other two are. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not entirely sure what happened but they are being them and now I think they are okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne wasn’t entirely sure what he meant but she didn’t press further. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay, you’re okay” Louis soothed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up, the dewy grass on his legs and mesh shorts was cold but he hugged Harry tight to his chest and let him cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just cry it out, love” Louis said and if Harry felt the kiss to the top of his head, he didn’t let on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He clung to Louis like his life depended on it. His hands clutching Louis’ hoodie and his head on Louis’ chest. He was slumped between Louis’ legs and he didn’t have the energy to move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here and I know it fucking hurts” Louis said, holding onto Harry tightly “And I wish I could tell you how to get over it but missing me mum still hurts every fucking day” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were mumbling, trying to console the other and eventually Harry pulled back so he could look at Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled and pushed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, you needed to work through your emotions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not mad at you, I don’t know why I wanted to fight with you” Harry said sniffling, looking away  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re angry and sad and scared and it’s a lot all at once.” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, for staying and taking care of me, well all of us” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shivered and they were sweaty and wet from the grass. Louis hugged Harry again and Harry hugged him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sucks, I know it does, know how much it hurts.” Louis said and Harry just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? I took us down pretty hard”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll live” Louis said “I’m am getting cold though, let’s go inside, yea?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said, hugging him one more time </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Niall?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we scared him off. I kinda scared him earlier too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just gave him a look and Louis shook his head. “Not tonight, talked to your mum but I just wanna leave it at that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got up first and put his hand out for Louis to get up. He’d be lying if he said his back and side didn’t hurt a bit but it was dark enough Harry didn’t see him wince. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on” Louis said, holding out his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry did see him wince when he turned too far to open the door to the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said giving him a look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I fell on top of you, not your side” Harry said confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was the first elbow you threw at me when I didn’t move out of your way” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” Louis said trying to brush it off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me see” Harry demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got out of his hoodie with only minor grumbling and then lifted his shirt. Sure enough there was a nice bruise forming. Harry was inspecting his entire side and so Louis ditched the shirt altogether.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck Louis, I’m so sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, it’s a bruise, H.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I broke your ribs?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’d be in a lot more pain” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in pain?” Harry asked, eyes going wide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea bruises hurt. But it’s a fucking bruise not like me leg’s falling off” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get you some ice” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is quite dramatic, even for you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hurt you though” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still facing the freezer so Louis spun him around and cupped his face with his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. Bruises in footie happen, won’t be the last bruise I ever get. You got your emotions out, all that matters, love” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see tears welling in Harry’s eyes and so he hugged Harry. Niall walked into the kitchen and just walked right back out which left Louis and Harry hysterically laughing to the point Anne, Gemma and Niall came back in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the?” Gemma asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis what happened?” Anne asked, taking in the bruise </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry both were still laughing and couldn’t answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two have gone mental” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling what happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Footie bruise, I’m fine” Louis said, getting his breath back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’m okay. Only hurts a little” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you two go get cleaned up so you don’t track mud everywhere.” Anne suggested. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get us a snack and some ice for you, Tommo” Niall said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry nodded and Harry picked up Louis’ discarded clothes and they both started laughing when they heard Gemma mumble a people eat in here you know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were up in Harry’s room, getting clean clothes before a shower when Harry went over and hugged Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright H?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just couldn't do this without you and sorry again, for hurting you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, and I’m just trying to do me best to help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was an awkward pause and Louis shivered. Harry put his hand over the bruise and lightly ran his thumb over it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should go shower” Louis said but made no effort to move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt goosebumps form all over his skin with Harry thumbing at his side. If anyone asked his nipples only hardened only because he was cold and was wearing wet shorts; it had absolutely nothing to do with Harry now standing in front of him without a shirt on, running his hand over his side.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Louis half whined. He tilted his head up slightly and before he knew it Harry’s lips were against his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry walked him over to the bed and before Louis knew it his back was on the bed. He let out a huff, because maybe his back hurt more than he let on from the fall. He managed to get Harry to the bottom and kissed down his neck, kissing over the swallows tattoo, he heard Harry let out a soft moan and went back up to kissing him. Louis grounded down and they both moaned. Harry slipping a hand in between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um” Harry breathed out as Louis kissed his stomach “Think, in the drawer, probably oldish” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Harry tried to roll over he squeezed the wrong side of Louis and Louis hissed at the pressure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, sorry” Harry said kissing him “I’m sorry” He mumbled, kissing Louis’ lips and then his bruised side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry got what he was looking for and they continued making out, it was slow and gentle and they both just felt loved.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Lou” Harry whined </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kissed him again and looked into his eyes, Harry nodded and Louis gently pulled off Harry’s pants and shorts and Harry pulled off Louis’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just tonight Lou” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmhmm” Louis said as Harry kissed his chest. Harry traced his finger over Louis’ chest piece and moved back up to kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were there, fully exposed and Louis wasn’t sure what to do next, it had been almost two years since they slept together. He felt Harry take his hand in his and reach it between them, Louis knew what Harry wanted, he just wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t being too awkward. Louis had one hand braced up by Harry’s head and he let his other gently squeeze Harry’s hip. He thumbed over the laurel and felt Harry grind up against him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt a wave of emotion wash over him. It was the warmest and safest he’d felt in a while and he felt tears spring to his eyes, he swallowed them down and when he opened his eyes, he kissed Harry again and realized he already had tears on his cheeks.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, Hazza?” Louis asked, thinking he hurt him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No m’fine. Just missed you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too” Louis said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry ran his thumb over Louis’ cheek, catching his remaining tears. They locked eyes and they both knew that this was more than just a quick way to get off. It was warm and familiar and it was something they both needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolled on top of Louis, kissing him again and if Louis wanted to go this painfully slow then his dick was just going to have to accept it. Louis got his hands to Harry’s arse and Harry was pretty sure he was done for. He didn’t know what Louis would be comfortable with and honestly this was enough for him and he knew it was for Louis too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were still lazily making out and grinding down on each other when they heard the door open. Neither of them could move quick enough until they heard the tell-tale Irish accent yell out “What the fuck?”, followed by a quickly closed door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They breathed out and looked at each other, and started laughing. Harry rolled off of Louis, earning him a slight whine but Louis kissed Harry one more time before sitting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oops” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We got caught” Louis giggled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By Niall….again” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were laughing, it wasn’t the first time Niall had interrupted and seen far more than he would have liked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry handed Louis his boxers and he put his own back on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall you can come back in now” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry sat next to Louis on the bed. Their faces were still tinged a slight pink and they were giggly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly what the actual fuck?” Niall asked, coming back in and closing the door. He still had a hand firmly slapped over his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We put our pants back on, you’re eyes are fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fully on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boxers fully on” Harry confirmed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Niall, we put them on but left our penises out. Yes we’re tucked back in” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was always dramatic when he walked in on them, Liam stuttered and was just awkward and Zayn would just shrug and walk out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So um, the fuck did I just walk in on?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis adjusted himself and tried to hold back a laugh. “What did it look like you walked in on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when do you two have sex? Few weeks ago you’re both going on about how you can’t do that shit anymore and I know one of you or both of you will get hurt and then I’ll have to fix it...again. And in case neither of you noticed, you’re not exactly good in the head.” Niall said pacing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall you are yelling, calm the fuck down” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing actually happened, you walked in before anything did.” Harry said. He tossed a blanket over their laps, still feeling exposed and while Niall killed the mood, he was still a little worked up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I don’t. Louis said….” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t just a hot and heavy drunk thing Ni. We both knew what we were doing. We were okay with it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You came up to get showered” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We may have gotten distracted” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It earned him a slight pinch from Louis who buried his face into Harry’s bicep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times” Niall said, folding his arms </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How often has this happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when Niall, I need a time frame” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A time what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t slept together since right after Sheffield, the last show. Happened a few times before then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew we hooked up a few times after we broke up” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, and I thought that ended in 2014” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it sorta did.” Harry offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall why is this upsetting you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because like I said you two are either at each other’s throats or in each other’s pants and that’s not healthy. And if we do ever get back together how the fuck are you gonna manage it. Because in case you didn’t know you both can get quite moody so it’s not hard to tell what’s going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni, come off it. It’s not like that. We never let our relationship hurt the band. Yea it was strained at times but we both know the band is much bigger than the two of us. We wouldn’t do that to any of you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re honestly gonna say this wouldn’t have hurt you both?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, we just, I don’t know were trying to take care of each other. It’s just comforting, wasn’t like we were ripping each other's clothes off and going at it like animals. It just…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Harold is trying to say was that it was familiar and we both understood it was just for tonight, comfort sex between friends” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not a thing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it is for us” Harry said “We’re okay Ni, both perfectly sober and aware of what we were doing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Comfot sex between friends?” Niall said again like it was the most out there thing he’s ever heard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean if you want a go with Harold, I’ll leave” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Harry pinch him but giggle behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how to explain it but it just felt right, okay.” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could’ve at least locked the fucking door.” Niall grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look me and Louis are fine, no one’s freaking out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re good, honestly” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just how’d you go from screaming at each other outside to this?” Niall said gesturing</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, just a release of emotions I guess” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And plus Louis got hard first” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did not” Louis said, shoving Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure Lou” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t wanna hear this” Niall said, slapping his hands over his ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you even come up here for?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Socks and my fucking phone charger” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We better go shower” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Separately” Niall said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir” Louis said saluting him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can take me stuff and sleep on the sofa if you two are gonna try that again.” Niall offered, calming down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told you it didn’t matter either way” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And were you both crying when I walked in?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Out, now” Louis said, pointing to the door </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Niall said nodding and grabbing his things </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once the door was shut they both started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess were not as good at that as we used to be” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apparently not” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I meant what I said, I would have been okay. I haven’t felt like that in a while” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Like what?” Harry asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget it” Louis said shaking his head</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon Lou, what?” Harry asked, taking his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cared about” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry stood them up and hugged Louis tightly and quietly added “Me either. You always knew how to take care of me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just continued to hug Harry and nodded into his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think he’ll get over it?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No we scarred him for life” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I guess it wasn’t meant to happen” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re still a little hard” Harry pointed out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go take a shower” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could join me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We both know we shouldn’t. Niall’s probably right, we might have been fine now but I think one of us would have gotten hurt.” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, right. No don’t want that” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay, right?” Louis asked, gesturing between them</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding. “Of course” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both knew things might be awkward but at least they were both okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the sporadic delays, life has still ben pretty crazy and I've been having some writers block. I have a lot of ideas and some things written for future chapters, it's just the next few chapters I've been struggling with. Please let me know what you think, it really helps to motivate me to write!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The rest of the night was uneventful and they didn’t cause Niall any more cardiac arrest. Niall slept in the bed with Harry, Louis on the air mattress, Niall said he didn’t need them kicking him out of the room in the middle of the night. They wouldn’t have, the moment was over and they both knew it wouldn’t be happening again. The next morning everyone went to make the arrangements for Robin’s service and just Niall and Louis were left home with Harry. Niall wanted to be useful and make them breakfast. Louis came into the kitchen clad in shorts and a hoodie, hood up and Niall just laughed. He never really got why Louis would wear beanies and hoodies indoors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went and put the kettle on and Niall walked up behind him and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need me arms to make tea, Horan” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m hugging you” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see that” Louis said, still standing there. “Why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem like you needed it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged and maneuvered in Niall’s tight grasp to hug him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, Nialler. It’s okay. You Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, it’s a lot. Just overwhelmed I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz is easier to deal with then I was” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that’s true.” Niall said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just pinched him and turned the kettle off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes me wanna go home and never leave me mam and dad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get that” Louis said “Should go see them after if you’re missing them” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to, just waiting to see when everything is before I book me ticket.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for coming, I’m not sure I could have done this without you.” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What stayed out of Haz’s pants?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said laughing, throwing a bag of bagels at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not what I was expecting last night” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why were you so upset? You harboring secret feelings for one of us now? Got a little jealous?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck no, you’re both far too much work. I’ve seen you two hurt each other and pick each other back up and I don’t want you two to hurt each other again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get that, but honestly Niall, it would have been okay. It was just a kinda in the moment thing.” Louis shrugged</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just gave him a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A temporary fix if you will, right lad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make it fucking stop” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea stole your own thing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Niall said, rolling his eyes “Can I ask you something without making you grumpy?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably not” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will it at least not get me a slap to the dick” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe, if I feel generous” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just shook his head and laughed. “Would you really have been okay sleeping with Haz last night? Like it wouldn’t have massively fucked you up in the head?”” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we'll never know” Louis shrugged “But it would have been okay. I think. Like we knew it was only for last night. I’m not sure it wouldn’t have made the whole let's be friends thing easier but we would have been okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is what I don’t get” Niall said, folding his arms and leaning on the counter </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Louis asked, mimicking his stance</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You miss him, as more than just a friend. Clearly you still get on with each other, you still know each other so well despite everything and you clearly both are still sexually attracted to each other. So I ask again, why not get back together?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall, lad, how many times do we have to go over this” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Tommo, I’m serious.” Niall said, just giving him a look. “You’re an idiot if you think you don’t still look at him the same way you did years ago” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re an idiot if you think I’m gonna put either one of us through that again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you’re both older, know what it would be. You’re already publicly back with El, so what would the difference be. It’s not like either one of you have as public of a life as you did even a year and a half ago.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He just released an album and he has a movie coming out and a tour. You really think that he will be able to live a nice quiet life? It’s Harry, he was born for this” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just saying, Louis. I don’t think you should shut it down without even giving it a shot.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want too many fucking rom coms.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want you to be happy” Niall said, shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, easing up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’ll support whatever decision you make” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if he were to ask you out?” Niall asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not right? He’s not in the right mind and I don’t think I am either….Why the fuck would he….” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, whoa slow down. I was only asking. You expressed you don’t want it right now, so I don’t think he’d ask you. I was just wondering what you would do if he did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess I don’t have to answer that till it comes.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two are impossible” Niall groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You almost done being Jamie Oliver? I’ll go wake Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That code for something?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off, Ni” Louis said, flipping him off as he left the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had those days where the last thing you wanted to do was get out of bed so he figured he’d be better at waking Harry than Niall would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was pushing noon and Louis probably would have let Harry keep sleeping but since Niall went to the trouble of making breakfast, he figured he should at least get Harry up. Anne had left a note asking them to go through photos as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, time to get up” Louis said gently, sitting on the bed next to Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Haz” Louis said, scratching Harry’s back. He was lying on his stomach, clad in a t-shirt. Niall had no faith in them that they wouldn’t try anything else and honestly Louis wouldn’t have been surprised if he had tried to glue their clothes on.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler made breakfast, gotta get up sunshine” Louis just kept rubbing his back, it was something they both enjoyed having done and all Louis wanted to do was comfort Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm go’way” Harry said, voice muffled from his pillow </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Breakfast smells good and I didn’t make any of it” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t wanna get up” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face was still facing away from Louis so he couldn’t tell how awake he actually was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harold” Louis said poking him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave me alone” Harry mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wasn’t sure if this was because he was just tired or if it was him not wanting to deal with yesterday or just his grief.. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, come on. It’s noon already. You should eat something” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s hard” Louis said, dragging his fingers up and down Harry’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cuddle?” Harry asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said “But you gotta look at me.” Louis said, lying down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry turned his head to look at Louis and Louis immediately saw how red and puffy his face was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You get any sleep last night?” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shrugged “A little” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you wake me?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seemed tired. Really didn’t want a lecture from Niall.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told him to back off. You should have woken me. Or better yet him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t need people to watch me be sad” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it sucks” Louis said hugging him tightly “Want me to bring some food up for you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should eat something. Your mum also asked if we could look through some photos and set some aside. If you’re up for it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just weird, you know. Sad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said sadly. “I know how much it hurts, how hard it is to get up and eat breakfast like everythings normal, like your whole world isn’t turned around. Like everyone else around you is living a normal life and then there’s you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Staying in bed feels like the easiest but it only gets harder to get out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to bring you up some food? You should at least drink some water.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess I’ll get up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis said, he tried to sit up but Harry let out a whine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, harold?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t done being cuddled.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You big baby” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall walked up to Harry’s room with three plates. He didn’t really hear anything coming from the room but when he saw the open door he closed his eyes. He wasn’t about to walk in on anything that he had seen earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, H, Tommo. You two decent?” Niall asked, trying not to drop the plates. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell, Niall. We’re fine” Louis yelled out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In that case I brought breakfast up.” Niall said walking in. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis was still cuddled around Harry but he sat up when Niall walked in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was getting him up. We would have been down.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Know you liked staying in bed, so I figured I’d just bring it up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Niall” Harry said sitting up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess you are useful” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall pouted and Louis patted the bed in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Omelets” Niall said happily, handing them their plates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said, taking his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was an omelette and a bagel on the plate and Harry hadn’t realized he was hungry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Ni” Louis said, taking his </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you doing, H?” Niall asked, patting Harry’s leg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I guess” Harry shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, that’s good Niall” Louis said, eating </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is” Harry said, taking a small bite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ate in a comfortable silence and Harry put his plate on the floor and laid back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know if you lay down right after eating, you’ll end up poorly” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tired” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything else I can do or get for you?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall said just a comforting hand on his leg, while Louis tried to get him to sit up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let’s go down stairs and see how many embarrassing photos we can find of Gemma.” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna tell her you said that” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta get out of bed to snitch on me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanna sleep” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked at Niall and Niall pointed to Louis and then to Harry and mouthed to him to stay and that he would clean everything up. Louis nodded and hugged Harry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, get some sleep. I’ll be right here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curled around Harry and just rubbed his thumb over Harry’s arm. He wasn’t sure what else to do, he thought they should do what Anne wanted, but Harry didn’t seem to want to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought Harry’s breathing had evened out, he hadn’t moved for awhile so he figured he was asleep. He had closed his eyes and figured he’d sleep too. He felt like he had just closed them when he heard Harry mumble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H?” Louis asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t respond so Louis went back to resting his eyes. After a few minutes he thought he heard Harry sniffle. He went back to rubbing his thumb over Harry’s arm, hoping that would calm him. He was lazily tracing his tattoos when he heard Harry try and hide a cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry?” Louis asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I’m here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry still had Louis’ right arm pinned to the bed so he wiggled his fingers but they just ended up poking Harry. He wrapped his left arm tighter around Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis heard him sniffle again and hugged him tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay to cry, Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sad Lou” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt his heart break into two for what seemed like the millionth time this year. It’s how his sisters sounded when they were really missing their mum. He didn’t know what to do for them either, just cuddling them and letting them cry until they felt better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m sorry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt so cliche saying it, but he was at a loss for what else to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I do anything for you?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated feeling useless and that’s all he felt now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shook his head and rolled over so he was facing Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey” Louis said gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry still had his right arm pinned to the bed but Louis took his left hand and cupped Harry’s cheek and brushed the tears away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you, yea.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry buried his face into the front of Louis’ hoodie and started to actually cry again. Harry shifted and Louis was able to move his right arm enough to properly hug Harry now. He held him tight, letting him cry it out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know what to say so he just stayed silent and just kept cuddling him and rubbing his back as he cried. He was glad he was able to swallow down his own emotion, so he wouldn’t upset Harry anymore. Harry still had his face buried in Louis’ chest and Louis started running his hand though Harry’s hair. He couldn’t even remember what anyone did for him when his mum died, all he remembered was taking care of his sisters and trying to ignore his own grief until he collapsed into bed at night and cried with Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was lost in his own thought when he noticed Harry was sleeping again, he figured that was better. He didn’t have to figure out what to say to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall came back in a little while later and one look at Harry told him things weren’t good. He hadn’t known what to do so he cleaned the whole kitchen after he cleaned up from making breakfast. He got on the bed and curled himself around Harry’s back, hoping that could comfort him a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis saw Niall make eye contact with him, mouthing if he was okay. Louis just nodded and Niall patted him on the head which earned him an eye roll from Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis wasn’t sure what was happening but all he knew was that Gemma was standing next to him, gently shaking his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm” Louis mumbled, barely opening his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried the other two but they both were as out of it as Louis. Eventually she got Niall to wake up who blinked around, confused. Louis started to stir and eventually Harry followed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re back, we couldn’t imagine what happened, none of you were answering your phones.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Louis mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we fell asleep” Niall mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was starting to come too and he realized he was all sweaty, his hood had rode up and he was still wearing his jumper and Harry looked quite content on his chest. He saw Gemma waking Harry up and he was glad since he had no feeling in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You three alright?” Gemma asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea” Louis said untangling from Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“DId you eat anything today?” She asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I made breakfast or I guess it was more lunch. Dunno.” Niall said, yawning</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Times’ it?” Harry asked, rubbing his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Half four” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Slept all day” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d everything go?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, all sorted. We just were worried when none of you answered.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I left my phone in the kitchen” Niall said, patting his pockets </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As long as you three are alright.” Gemma said “Think you three can get up, mum and the others aren’t back yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll get up” Louis said “Come on boys, I also need a wee” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma nodded and headed back downstairs and the boys stumbled out of bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t had a big cuddle puddle in a while” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel like we only do them when things are shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for letting me nap” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, H” Louis said, squeezing his arm. He left to go have a wee and came back in and saw that Harry had at least changed out of his pajamas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should go see if your mum needs our help with anything” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall nodded and Harry followed them both downstairs. Anne and the others had come back and she filled them all in on the plans and Louis texted his Nan to look through his closet and see if he had any suits there or if he had to go to London. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna go to Donny tomorrow, I’m out of clothes again and I have to get a suit. I’ll see me sisters but I’ll come back the day before the funeral.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna head down to London and see me cousins and then I’ll be back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh okay” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz, I can’t wear me joggers for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be back, and if you need me sooner I’ll come back sooner.” Louis said, squeezing his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel antsy” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we go play some football as long as you promise not to break me fucking ribs” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, how are they?” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry immediately looked sorry and tugged Louis’ jumper to check. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and got his jump and t-shirt off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still eat in this kitchen Tommo.” Gemma said walking in </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have shit timing, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks bad, Louis” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, doesn’t even hurt that much. You just slept on top of me for like four hours, so don’t elbow me again and I’ll be fine” Louis said, shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure, Tommo?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Louis said, rolling his eyes again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They grabbed their boots and headed outside. Niall tugged on Harry’s arm and he spun around after Louis went outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey if you want me to stay I can. I just didn’t want to be in the way. But Lou needs to go to Donny for a few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yea, no it’s fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seemed sad when we said we were leaving, especially Louis.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I can stay. I don’t have to go to London. But aside from Louis needing clothes, I think he needs a day or two to process everything. He’s doing the best he can keeping it all together, but I can see how hard it is on him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. Just…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He makes things better” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded and Niall hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just let me know what you want me to do” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui lads, are we gonna play or just stand there with our dicks in our hands all day?” Louis yelled out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Harry both laughed but moved further to Louis in the garden. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was back home in Donny, he had gotten back an hour before but he just drove around, wanting to be alone for a little. Niall had stayed an extra day with Harry but they were going to head back a day before the services. He eventually decided that he needed to go home and see his family. He made it into the house and already heard commotion. Both twins came barreling towards him, along with Fizzy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey girls, Ernie, lad” Louis said, picking up his brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His sisters all hugged him and he saw his Nan standing there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello darling” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nan, I missed you” Louis said, hugging her tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the kids were still all talking over each other when Fizzy drug him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, as she drug him outside to the garden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seemed overwhelmed” She said pushing him to the seating area. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy hugged him and Louis relaxed into the hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie said she’ll be home tomorrow to see you.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She doesn’t have to” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just looked at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for caring” Louis said, smiling at her, but still rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ask me that Fizz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hard a hard time with me leaving, Niall’s staying an extra day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t even” Louis said, when he saw Fizzy’s eyes light up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You realize I figured out that you two were a thing before you told me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you’re quite chatty and I didn’t need you being pissed at me one day and telling everyone in your school. And to be fair you caught us snogging out here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But still, it wasn’t a surprise. And it didn’t take long, Like the second day you were home to tell mum you were dating him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were pissed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I didn’t think I’d ever have to worry about my brother liking the same person as me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry’s still too old for you, love.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, yea. Don’t want your sloppy seconds, anyway” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m telling him you called him sloppy seconds” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Came home and you were all grown up and wearing makeup.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I was twelve” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea but when I had been home before we went to Australia you were still me little sister. Came home and you were all grown up. Pissed at me that I liked Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He hadn’t been home with you in a little, I was excited to see him.” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure mum wasn’t surprised at all. I mean she was the one that asked if I had feelings for him. Just didn’t seem like something I wanted to tell her on the phone. But she said as soon as she knew when I asked to bring him, instead of just saying he was tagging along like before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mum” Louis called out, walking into the house </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” The twins yelled, running over to him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi girls” Louis said, hugging them tight </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They moved to hug Harry and he hugged them back, just as excited to see them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi darling” Jay said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis moved closer to hug his mum tight. He let her hug him as tight as she wanted, he’d really missed her and a lot had happened. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi mum” Louis said happily, still not letting go. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, Lou?” She asked quietly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good, yea” Louis said. Coming home always made him a little emotional, he missed his family and it always felt so good to be back with them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry, darling” She said, going to hug Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re so tall now!” Jay said gushing over him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Won’t stop growing, pretty sure he’d gonna hit it head on door jams soon.” Louis said smirking </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’not even that tall, you’re just…” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t even think about finish that sentence, Harold” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not as tall as me” Harry smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis felt himself blush a little when he realized all his sisters were now crowded around them and he was openly flirting with Harry. He saw his mom mouth a talk later and he nodded. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Look who finally came home” Lottie said, hugging him and then Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi Lotts” Louis said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where’s Fizzy?” He asked looking around, realizing they were still missing one. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s upstairs” Lottie said rolling her eyes </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So glad she misses her favorite brother” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I hope you boys are hungry, dinner’s just about ready. Your grandparents will come over for dinner tomorrow, figured they would give you the night to relax.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Perfect mum, thanks” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jay, do you need help with dinner?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No darling, you two realx” Jay said smiling at him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry looked at Louis, and they shared a nervous glace. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz get your bum down here, I’m home” Louis called up the stairs </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He would be lying if he said that he didn’t love his sisters running up to him the moment he walked in the door. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The twins were talking about some project at school and Louis finally heard Fizzy on the steps. He looked at her weird, she looked different, taller probably but he thought it was something else. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizzy” He said happily, opening his arms. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi Lou” She said hugging him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi Harry” She said, going to hug him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi Fizzy” Harry said, laughing at how she seemed more excited to see him than Louis. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Kids, dinner” Jay called out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz” Louis said tugging her arm. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fizzy turned around and it was just the two of them now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you wearing makeup?” Louis asked, closing her eye with his finger </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Get off” Fizzy said, squirming out of the soft hand that Louis had cupping her face. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz what is going on with you?” Louis asked, wondering why she seemed so grumpy </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m fine, can’t I look nice for dinner?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean yea, you always look beautiful. You just look like you have a lot of makeup on.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was confused, she was the only one that was remotely dressed up for dinner. Him and Harry both in joggers and jumpers, his mum still in her work scrubs, sisters all changed from school but Fizzy looked like she was ready to go out, and that wasn’t the Fizzy he knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Whatever” Fizzy said rolling her eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had enough experience with Eleanor, his mum and Lottie to know when to leave things well enough alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He sat next to Harry, Daisy on the other side of him and the other three girls on the other side with his mum at the head next to Daisy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re outnumbered, Harold” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re always outnumbered here. Robin says the same thing now that I’m gone. But Gemma’s not home much either” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well I love having you boys back here.” Jay beamed </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>They passed around the food and all chatted, Louis kept shooting glances to Fizzy who seemed to only listen to anything Harry said. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So I brought you girls each something from Australia.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The twins were excited and Louis could tell Lottie was excited but was trying to play it cool but Fizzy on the other hand didn’t even look like she’d heard anything Louis said. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was just happy to be back home, he knew he had to talk to his mum tonight, but he was just glad to be back with his sisters. At one point he caught Harry staring at him and he blushed. Harry had been home with him before, but it seemed different this time. They could be themselves here. They finished up and Jay brought out dessert. Harry had volunteered him and Louis to clean up which earned him a pinch from Louis. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were in the kitchen with Jay and Lottie, the twins were deciding what game to play and Fizzy was off somewhere else. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is something up with Fizzy?” Louis asked as he was putting the food away with Lottie. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s twelve, you know how Lottie would get.” Jay said lightly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Something about being the worst brother ever,  right Lotts?” Louis asked smirking </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Still are” She said rolling her eyes </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis squeezed her sides and she let out a yelp. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t know why the whole bloody world loves you” She said, throwing a container lid at him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Cause I’m awesome” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Lottie snorted</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’ll be fine, just give her some space. You both have your own moods too.” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That earned a laugh out of Harry since he had seen it or been subjected to it before. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harold?” Louis asked, crossing his arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Meant Lottie, real moody that one” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh-huh” Louis said leaning against the counter </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What’s with you two?” Lottie asked confused. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, we’re fine” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re both being weird” Lottie said looking between them </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, Fizzy is the one being weird.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay handed him a sponge to wipe the counters, he rolled his eyes but did it without complaint. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, Lottie, why don’t you go up and get the twins ready for bed, I have to talk to Lou about something and then you lot can all watch a movie.” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Talk to him about what?” Lottie asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Work, finances. Schedule, quite boring stuff darling.” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, but everyone in this house is being weird now” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis relaxed a little, they hadn’t decided whether or not to tell Louis’ sisters since they were younger. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tea?” Jay asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Both of them nodded and they made their teas and headed back to the table. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So um, what did we have to talk about. I might buy a house soon. Or not, I don’t really know yet. Um schedule yea, we have one. Paul tells us where we have to go.” Louis said rambling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Jay said a few times before he stopped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sitting down he got suddenly nervous to tell her that him and Harry were together. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Boobear” Jay said, putting her hand on his arm. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes mum” Louis said stopping </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“If there’s something you want to tell me, I’d be more than glad to listen. If you’re not ready that’s alright too” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry and I are dating” Louis blurted out, before Jay had even taken a breath. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He heard Harry inhale sharply next to him, this wasn’t exactly how they planned to tell Jay, but it all tumbled out. Louis felt Harry squeeze his thigh and he relaxed a little once he saw Jay smiling. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay stood up and went around the table, pulling Louis up and hugging him tightly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mum?” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you happy?” Jay asked him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Louis squeaked out</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This wasn’t how he pictured this happening</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then so am I, love” Jay said quietly to him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re um, it’s okay right?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She pulled back and put her hands on Louis’ shoulders and looked him right in the eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Of course it’s alright, darling. I just want you to be happy. I told you months ago that it didn’t matter who you liked as long as you were good to them and they were good to you and for you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis nodded and sniffled. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou?” She asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He nodded and played with the cuff on his jumper. “Just um, yea. Thanks mum. I um…” Louis said, Jay cutting him off with another hug. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you for you, Louis.” She said, kissing his head. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you mum” Louis said hugging her tightly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love Harry too, and I know he makes you happy” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She pulled back and opened her arm and motioned for Harry to join. She could see he was a little emotional as well. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, Jay” Harry said kissing her cheek. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m really happy you both realized this, are you planning on announcing your breakup with El then?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s um, that’s complicated and I don’t wanna talk about that tonight. I’m just happy to be home” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, darling” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis hugged her again and was happy his mum didn’t care and didn’t want to know why he liked Harry because he honestly still wasn’t sure himself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Take care of him, Harry” Jay said, hugging Harry now </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I will” Harry said smiling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You better do the same” Jay said to Louis </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I do” Louis smiled. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now, it’s up to you if you tell your sisters or not but the rules are the same when you would have a girl over. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mum I’m twenty” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know that, but it doesn’t change anything. Still house rules.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry looked confused. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Meaning, you sleep in the guest room” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t give me that look” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We um, haven’t like done all that yet if that’s what you're worried about. I’m also very aware me sisters have no respect for privacy so like why would we try something here when we have our own flat.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s not reassuring, Louis” Jay said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What it’s true!” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He could see Harry turning red. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just like I’ve told you with your other relationships. You are always respectful and caring, and make sure you’re both comfortable before you do anything. And use protection.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We can’t get pregnant mum, thought you of all people would know that” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes obviously; but you and I can have a proper conversation about being careful about all of that later. Harry right now looks like he’s about to die.” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re good mum, I promise.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>While Jay might have been the first person he told after he lost his virginity, something about sex with Harry seemed much more awkward to discuss with his mum. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why don’t I go find out what movie they are thinking about watching” Harry said, leaving the kitchen </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You had to?” Louis asked, giving her a look. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just want to make sure you’re safe, Lou. And if you have questions, I may not know the answer but I can find out for you. Google isn’t always your friend.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh God mum, I’m not sixteen anymore.” Louis said cringing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” She asked, wondering why he was so uncomfortable now </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We haven’t gone far, okay. I’m not scared. Just, we’re taking our time. Things are fine for right now. This is awkward and we don’t need to talk about it again.” Louis said quickly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, okay” Jay said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think Harry and I can manage just fine.” Louis said, still feeling awkward </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just want you to know that you can be as open with me about a boy as you were with a girl. It doesn’t change anything, Louis. You’ll always be my baby, alright darling?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes mum” Louis said, walking closer to her and hugging her again. “Thank you” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay hugged him back. She obviously wasn’t surprised they were finally dating, she just wanted her son to be happy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So it’s official then?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Louis said grinning “Boyfriends and all that” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everything alright with all that with the boys?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Boys are fine with it, apparently Paul won a bet about the two of us dating. But the label and management found out and it’s, well it’s why I haven't’ publicly broken up with El.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Jay asked shocked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It all happened after Australia, we got caught making out at a bar. We were all drunk in New Zealand and I guess someone recorded it on their phone but bar staff had to sign NDAs and we got yelled at when we got back. It’s just, we’re working on it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis you should have told me” Jay sad sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing you could have done” Louis shrugged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love, you can’t just hide yourself away” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re not. I mean, I don’t think I’m ready for some big thing announcing to the world I’m dating Harry. We’re together and that’s all that matters. They already had a line of girls up for me to pick a girlfriend so I asked El. At least we’re all friends with her.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh Louis” Jay said sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s only for right now. Harry kinda warned me this could happen. It’s not great but I’m guessing it’ll only be until we release the second album.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just don’t keep things like that from me again” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” Louis conceded. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The next day he was outside playing with the twins. He was determined to get one of his sisters as interested in football as he was but it seemed to be a losing battle. Jay was inside and Lottie was working on some school project she had due Monday that she had forgotten about, and Fizzy was outside reading on the porch. The twins went to get a snack and Louis and Harry took the opportunity to kick the ball between them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re still shit at footie, love” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well not all of us were the school’s captain” Harry said, kicking it back </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You played though, on a team?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, started fairly young too” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My clumsy Hazza” Louis said, dribbling circles around him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh whatever” Harry said, sticking his leg out and sending Louis tumbling to the ground </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Meanie” Louis said standing up and pouting. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry took the opportunity to steal the ball from Louis, he started running to the other side of the garden but Louis was faster than Harry thought and caught up with him easily, stealing the ball back and scoring on their makeshift goal. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tommo scores again!!!!” Louis said cheering </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I should get a penalty kick” Harry pouted </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“For what?” Louis asked laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You stole the ball and didn’t even give me a kiss.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can make up for that” Louis said “Football rules and all” He said gesturing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He went over to Harry and kissed him lightly before deepening the kiss. Louis’ hands on Harry’s face and Harry’s hands around Louis’ back. They had forgotten Fizzy was outside with them because the next thing they heard was her screech. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the?” She asked running back inside and slamming the door shut. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh shit” Louis said, putting his head on Harry’s chest. “I forgot she was out here too. Fuck. What do we do?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess be honest?” Harry shrugged, not knowing what to do</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why’d she act like that though?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t ask me, I thought you were the sister whisperer” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She had a crush on you two bloody years ago, what if she didn’t get over it?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean I am adorable” Harry said cheekily </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, not the right time for that now. You know the twins crush on Niall?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Harry nodded </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz was the same with you” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What should we do?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let me talk to her” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before he could turn around he heard the door open again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Jay called </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shit” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think you two need to come in” Jay said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, we got caught”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love it’s the middle of the day and you’re sisters were all running around? Did you even try for them not to see you snogging in the backyard?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We weren’t snogging. It was a quick kiss and first of all how does Fizzy know what snogging is?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She is twelve Lou. She has kissed a boy before” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She what?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay just closed eyes, her children could be a lot sometimes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You kissed a girl by twelve too, darling.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, but I’m not Fizzy” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Calm yourself down.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We hadn’t even decided if we were gonna tell the girls.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well Lottie knows too now. And the twins I’m sure will find out, there’s no secrets in this house.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know” Louis groaned </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz, you okay if I go talk to Fizz” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Be nice Louis” Jay warned </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always am, mum” Louis said, taking the stairs two at a time</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knocked on FIzzy’s door. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz come on, let me in please” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lottie popped her head out of her room “Since when do you kiss boys?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Since March” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” Lottie said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bad alright?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, just alright.” Lottie said shrugging </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Spit it out Charlotte” Louis said, losing patience </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Didn’t know you liked boys but also not surprised with how you interacted with Harry.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not boys. Only Harry” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Louis asked flustered </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing. You’re just making this a bigger deal. You like a boy, so what. Plenty of people do, you’re not special.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not trying to be special or whatever. It just, it’s just Harry. I can’t explain it okay. I don’t know if it makes me gay or bi or whatever. But I love Harry and he loves me, so back off Lottie.” Louis said, eyes going wide when he admitted to his sister that he loved Harry. Sure he had told him that in Australia, but he hadn’t planned on telling his sister that soon. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You what?” Lottie asked gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not. I don’t know how to explain it okay. Niall put it very nicely, Harry creepily stares at me to show he loves me and I look at Harry like the sun shines out his arse. Okay. Probably our next single.” Louis said, he was all worked up. This wasn’t how he wanted to tell them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Lottie said gently, pushing off the door frame. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you” Lottie said, hugging him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You, oh. It’s um. It’s okay right?” Louis asked, quietly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course it’s okay. Did you really think we wouldn’t love you something?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just shrugged and Lottie hugged him again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s been a bit confusing. It’s why El and I broke up. Her and mum both asked if I had feelings for Harry and once I stopped lying to meself I realized how many feelings I really had for him.” Louis said, blushing slightly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lottie just smiled at him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just like seeing you happy.” Lottie said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It doesn't change anything between us right?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Of course not, why would it?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis shrugged “Dunno. Never liked a bloke before Haz” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry’s Harry, do you really need more of a reason?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Guess not” Louis said smiling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Any idea how to get Fizz to talk to me?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s moody off and on, but I think she still has a crush on Harry. You didn’t hear that from me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just what we need, more moody Tomlinson’s.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You miss a lot not being home. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, kinda knew that already.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good luck” Lottie said, going back to her homework. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizzy, please let me in” Louis said, knocking gently again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go away” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can’t go away, love.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He heard sniffles and finally the door opened. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can I come in?” Louis asked gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well you won’t leave, so I guess” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Right, Louis mouthed. He was used to dealing with an emotional Lottie but not an emotional Fizzy, and Fizzy definitely had his temperament. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So do you kiss all your bandmates now?” Fizzy asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, that’s not how I wanted you to find out. Harry and I are dating, we have been for a couple months. Proper boyfriends for a few weeks.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Since when are you gay?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not gay, Fizzy. I’ve had girlfriends. I don’t really understand it either.” Louis said, not expecting Fizzy to be the one to care about that </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can I ask why you were so upset when you saw us kissing?” Louis asked gently </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s stupid” Fizzy said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not stupid, s’got you all upset” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I liked Harry okay, and I thought he might finally like me too. And not as your little sister.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fizz I’m sorry. First of all, you’re far too young for him. I wouldn’t let you date any of the boys, Lottie either.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But it’s fine for you?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis laughed and Fizzy sent him daggers. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Look, I know it’s confusing when you like someone. First girl I asked out in school, flat out rejected me. I asked her to the school dance and she basically laughed in my face. Said I was too short, she hated footie. It’s not fun when the person you like doesn’t like you back. And I’m sorry you’re sad about that. But even if I wasn’t with Harry, there is absolutely no way I’d let you date any of them. It’s a band pact actually.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That got Fizzy to smile. “A pact?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well Gemma thinks we’re all dorks anyway. Niall only has a brother, Liam’s sisters are older so it’s only you lot and Zayn’s sisters. And no there’s no way you’re dating any of the boys. I practically live with them. They are gross and smelly, and they will stay far, far away from you.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So Harry’s gross and smelly?” Fizzy asked, giving him a small smile </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well no, not him.” Louis said smirking </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fizzy laughed and it looked like she was about to talk but then closed her mouth. Louis walked over and sat next to her on the bed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ask what you want” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t know you liked boys, like that I mean.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t either” Louis shrugged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh okay” Fizzy said, nodding </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is it um, is it okay?” Louis asked awkwardly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Fizzy said looking at him like he was dumb. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, um good, yea” Louis added “I know it’s um different” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, but like you being famous is different too.” Fizzy said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not famous, Fizz” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My friends have posters of you in their room, you’re famous” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I actually don’t know if I’m flattered or weirded out by that” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I tried to tell them that you’re really not all that great.” Fizzy said smirking </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Cheers Fizz” Louis said laughing and rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Look, I know it’s different, that I only dated girls before but you’re okay with it right? I asked Lottie the same thing and she rolled her eyes and basically told me to get over meself.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean yea, you’re dating Harry so what?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just, dating a boy around here wasn’t ever really a thing.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Neither is being in a boyband” Fizzy shrugged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was shocked at how his sisters were handling this, that they were so open about it and really didn’t care. He questioned why he had been so nervous to tell them all. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just keep it in the house then, yea. Um there’s work stuff it could complicate, so we’re not actually dating in public.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh okay” Fizzy said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Like you can’t tell your friends” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay” Fizzy said, slightly confused. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The twins, they don’t know yet either. We’re gonna wait a little before we tell them. But Fizzy…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks for being so cool about it” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean you like who you like, who doesn't like Harry. It might not be a big deal but it doesn’t change how I feel about you” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis felt emotional with her saying that, maybe the world wasn’t as scary as he thought it was. He hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m glad you came home. I’m sorry about yesterday” Fizzy said, pulling back </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s alright, love.” Louis said laughing “You don’t need to change who you are to impress a boy, you wearing Lottie’s clothes and makeup wasn’t you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Feel stupid” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, no” Louis said, cupping her chin “Don’t feel stupid, we all do stupid things when we like someone, I couldn’t tell Harry how I felt at first and it came out in this desperate need to learn how to cook.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fizzy just looked at him confused. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nevermind” Louis said, shaking his head. “But you’re fine just as you, yea. Don’t let any boy tell you otherwise or I’ll go kick their arse.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fizzy just laughed and rolled her eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And um, what’s with you snogging a boy?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lottie told you?” Fizzy yelled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Actually mum did. You should have told me” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So you can go protective, no thanks” Fizzy said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always will protect you, you know that” Louis said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well if you need advice on how to kiss a boy, I think I’m alright at it.” Fizzy said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh God no, those worse didn’t just come out of your mouth. You’re never leaving the house again” Louis said, plugging his ears with his fingers. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Miss you Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Miss you too, all of you, so much” Louis said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She hugged him again and he hugged her back. It was one of the hardest part, not being around for his sisters, but he really loved his job. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God still can’t believe we liked the same boy” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were so mad at me at first” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause I had no idea we would ever like the same boy” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that was surprising to me too” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you ever date another boy?” Fizzy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess if I liked one enough to date” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was it like being back with Harry so much?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Different but not bad. Things were awkward at times, and other times it felt like we still knew each other better than anyone else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You always were close to him, like long before you dated.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I don’t know what it was. He was always cheeky and charming. Not hard to get along with. Wasn’t even until the rumors started and we were living together before I ever even thought I may have feelings for him.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just like who you like I guess” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said nodding “I’m just glad all of you were okay with it. Mum was the one that basically told me, but still. It wasn’t as accepted back then as it is now” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why are you scared?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not scared” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are Lou. Everytime you talk about him with me it’s like you longing for something that ended years ago. You’ve been spending a lot more time with him. He calmed you down the best before your X-factor performance. Lottie and I had no idea at one point how you were gonna do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was all three of them though and Steve was great. Wasn’t just Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not, but he helped.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s different Fizz, it wasn’t a normal job or a normal relationship. We weren’t two ex’s who could just ignore each other and never see each other.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you two didn’t actually end things that last tour” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know far more than you should at your age, and well I told Lottie I was going for a nap, not my fault she decided to wake me up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just think you’re good for each other” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re different now, Fizz. A lot’s changed” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But no the way you feel about each other”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll always love him Fizzy, always will love all the boys. Everything we did and went through, no one else can understand it but them. Hell we still don’t always understand it either. But Harry was a lot of firsts for me, was also my first proper adult relationship, with everything we went through. I thought at the time El and I were serious but it wasn’t until after I started dating that I realized that yes I love her, and we slept together but it was so different from what I had with Harry. She’s one of my best friends, but I wasn’t ever in love until Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why break it off, you never really gave me answer. I know Lottie knows but you won’t tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were still young, Fizz. You still are” Louis are </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It got to a point where the only way to help either of us was to break up with him. It was, it was hard, alright. Our record label, management, they were making it impossible and I didn’t want him to get hurt. We had been fighting a lot about stupid shit, but it was all building. We both were drinking too much, not sleeping enough. I was never hungry. We both were moody all the time, and I wasn’t going to let them hurt him anymore. In the end I was the one that hurt him and the higher ups got exactly what they wanted. Zayn leaving made us realize that if we wanted to put out another album and keep touring we needed to work through some things and it go to a point where we were proper friends again, but then it was easier to go our own ways during the break. He could call me anytime, anywhere and I’d drop whatever and go to him and I know it’s the same way for me too. But there’s a lot of unresolved things from before. So I don’t know Fizz, it feels like a whole other lifetime. But it’s fine how it is now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s so sad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Life isn’t all fairytales and happy endings and things working out how you think they should.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you really believe that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d rather him be in me life some of the time than never, and maybe things’ll change in the future, and contracts won’t exist and we can go it a go but right now, it is what it is and I’ll do anything to help him through losing Robin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just hugged him and he hadn’t realized how fidgety he actually was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want it to all work out how you want it to, you deserve it” Fizzy said, still hugging him. He hugged her back, maybe talking to Fizzy isn’t the worst thing ever, she’s far wiser than he gives her credit for. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, pulling back from her hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a decent brother you know that” Fizzy said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oui, I’m the best” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Ernest is” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lies” Louis said nudging her laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sad day for them all.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had enjoyed being home for a few days, he was able to relax, spend time with Cliff and his sisters but now he was heading back to see Harry before Robin’s services. He and Niall agreed to get a hotel room together, that way they weren’t in the way at Anne’s. He knew Harry said they could stay but this seemed like a better option. He luckily had a suit up in Donny so he hadn’t needed to go down to LA. Eleanor was joining him for the service. Her and Harry had also stayed friends. They all agreed that if they did get caught, at least El was with him. His management and record label didn’t exactly know what was going on. He hadn’t told them much of where he’d been lately. Hey had everything in his car, Eleanor had gone up to spend some time with his sisters so she had already been there. He hugged his family goodbye, Lottie was also planning on coming but not until the morning of the service. They made the drive back to Holmes Chapel and he stopped at the bakery Harry had worked at, he knew that was one place that wouldn’t ever leak it that he was in Harry’s hometown. He grabbed a bunch of things for Anne’s house as well and he knocked on the door when they got there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some more of their family was over and while Louis had met them all before, it was still awkward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey H” Louis said walking into the den </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Lou” Harry said, going over and hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had been by himself, just strumming his guitar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Louis asked </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea, I think so” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey El, it’s really nice of you to come.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Robin was lovely” She said hugging him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni’s on his way now and Payno will be here by the morning. I think he’s bringing Lottie from London.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t all need to make a fuss” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want to support you” Louis shrugged “Also stopped at the bakery on the way over, put everything in the kitchen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything you need us to do?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s all taken care of. After Niall left, Gems and I went through a bunch of pictures and then the other two brought some when they were younger. Mike looks so much like Robin when they were younger.” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t I go see if Anne needs help with anything” Eleanor said, squeezing Louis’ arm. Louis nodded and she left the two of them alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how are you actually doing?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard, so is waiting for the service. Feels like let's hurry the fuck up and celebrate that someone died.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry snorted and Louis knew he could express how he actually felt about all this with Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It still doesn’t totally feel real, like he’s going to walk in the door from work.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That takes time, I still go to call me mum, then remember I can’t.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d you talk at your mum’s service?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking cried me eyes out or do you not remember that part?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I do, and you didn’t cry your eyes out. Your speech about her was beautiful.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mike’s gonna give Robin’s, said we could all say something if we wanted.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a personal choice Harry, don’t feel like you have to. I did it because I was the oldest.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought maybe playing something instead. Niall helped me with a few of the cords before he left.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then do that. Gonna sing too?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think so, don’t think I could do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do whatever you feel comfortable with” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in the quiet for a little, hearing the noise from other family and friends gathered in the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like to think that they are together” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s together?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Robin and Jay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave him a small smile “Me too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That they have each other, s’probably stupid, just makes me feel better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me Nan said that is one of the hardest things is that we don’t actually know. She says she believes that mum’s always with us and guiding us and shit. That it makes her feel better, and she’ll swear to it until she has evidence otherwise. So it’s not stupid. No one wants to be alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry hugged Louis and he was a bit taken aback but quickly returned the hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know words seem pretty empty, but I really am so so sorry, Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Harry nod on his shoulder and they hugged for what was probably an awkward amount of time, but it made them both feel better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat quietly again and eventually Harry stood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You um, you made some of the pictures, well all of you did. I can show you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like that” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went into the other room where Gemma and Eleanor were looking through them all. Louis gave her a big hug and they sat down with the albums and such.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleanor mouthed and okay? To Louis who nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First trip we all took together to the bungalow, Mum and Robin and us four.” Gemma said smiling at the first picture </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that was the time I kept refusing to go until I was told there was a pool” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were a proper brat” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was protecting mum” Harry shot back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Gemma filled Eleanor and Louis in on the pictures and soon enough Niall had arrived and was passing hugs out like they were candy. The next picture was one from Harry’s X-factor audition. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like a whole other life” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was, really” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So proud” Gemma said, hugging Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged her back and kissed her cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So young” Louis said looking at it </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper babies” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They flipped through some more and the boys were in a handful of them. The next one was Robin and Anne’s wedding. It was a full family shot and Louis wasn’t going to point out the fact he was snaked under Harry’s arm, but Gemma did it for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonder who that guy is that snuck in” Gemma said laughing and pointing to Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I’m a little shit that crashes weddings remember for free beer, not because I was dating the best man” Louis said smirking</span>
</p><p>
  <span>None of them are entirely sure how Louis wasn’t caught for that one but sometimes it’s better not to question things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We cleaned up well for weddings” Louis said, nudging Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They kept looking through the photos even Harry didn’t recognize from being away so much. But it was an enjoyable time. Niall, Eleanor and Louis headed over to their hotel, luckily they had rooms next to each other. Eleanor and Louis were in their room, hanging up their nice clothes for tomorrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” El asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, Els, I promise” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m allowed to check on you” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate it” Louis said hugging her </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go hang out with Nialler for a little, you’re welcome to join” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was changed into a hoodie and sweatshorts and Eleanor was already in her pajamas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No go have fun, I don’t need to listen to you two reminisce about the good old days” Eleanor said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not that bad, love” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go have fun, I know you miss them” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for coming El” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knocked on Niall’s door and Niall opened it right away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was hungry, ordered room service, there should be enough chicken fingers for both of us if you’re hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheers Ni” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They each grabbed some and headed out onto the balcony to eat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Ni?” Louis asked, propping his feet up on the railing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good. What about you, Tommo?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I needed those few days at home. It was getting to be a lot” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall nodded and put his hand on Louis’ shoulder. They ate fairly quietly, not needing to say anything. Once Louis was done eating he put his plate on the table and moved his chair closer to Niall’s and put his head on Niall’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I look like your fucking pillow?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, just comfy” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You saying that you needed a break was a good thing for you, you’re doing a good thing, being here for Haz.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was there for me, and I was a proper fucking mess” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not taking anything away from Robin and Harry’s relationship because it was very close, but the relationship with your mum was very different, you by far were the closest with your mum than any of us were with our parents.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, and I didn’t let any of you shits make fun of me for being a proper mummy’s boy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You embraced it” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I did” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jay’s great” Niall said “Even though she already had so many of you, she felt like all of our mum’s. Second best to having me own out there with us” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She loved all of you lot too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s it like not having her, if you don’t want ot talk about it, you don’t have to” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She told me that I just have to keep fucking do it. And you know she was always telling me off for cursing. But we had a long talk about me not just throwing in the towel.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously Lou, were you in it that bad that…” Niall said, not being able to voice what he wanted to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think there was a thought of it for a moment, but I promised her I would keep going, family wise, for Freddie, work wise and I don’t ever want to let her down. It was like I was gonna go jump off a fucking balcony, just not being here didn’t see like the worst thing at one point.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t though right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Niall. I wouldn’t” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how scared we all were about when Liam got all dark on us, and I couldn’t leave me sisters and brother. Wouldn't want Freddie to not have a dad, I have bad days where bed is a better option but then I pick meself up the next day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Tommo” Niall said, putting a wet kiss on Louis’ cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said laughing </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Feel like we should get the band back together so I can keep an eye on you, Haz and Payno” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t need that stress either. Also you and Harry have tours coming up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking excited but also, fucking terrified” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on you know you’ll smash it” Louis said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad, come on your two singles are already smashing it. You’ve played me most of the album. It’s fucking amazing, you’re fucking amazing.” Louis said, meaning every word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Starting off in Dublin, the smaller performances. Thought it would be good, starting home, you know. But I don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler, Ireland loves you. Haven’t they already made you the mascot? I’m sure it’ll be massive” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just different” Niall shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need an ego boost?” Louis asked, smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Niall said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cute little Irishman with his beloved guitar up on the stage killing it all by himself, making all of Ireland proud” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously Ni, you’ve earned the right to go up there and perform. Your stuffs good. It’s honest, it’s you. You’d be at home plucking away on the guitar, might as well get paid for it too.” Louis said, ending much less seriously than he started off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It got the desired reaction from Niall and Niall started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just think you won’t have to yell at anyone for throwing water on your electric guitar.” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Electric Lewis, connects to electricity. I know my hair was already fried but didn’t think I needed to be too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So dramatic” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“People might not recognize me without the blonde hair” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall went more serious again and Louis wanted to slap him, everything had been too serious lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could dye it, could wear a wig, could even make a statement and just shave it bald.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a dick” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You will be amazing up there with your guitar. Tell me what show you want me at and I’ll be there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you little shit.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’ll do us proud, Ni.” Louis said, patting the top of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just weird, like no one to banter on stage with or be like look at that horribly funny but very inappropriate sign. No one to cover when you need a wee, or fuck up a note. New backing band and everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’ll fucking smash it. Gonna have to work on holding your wee though.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t remind me” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean there really won’t be a difference whenever we come back when we’re old, we already took more toilet breaks than any other performers.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna have to get you some adult nappies as the oldest”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said laughing, flipping him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just mad innit? Started at five, went to four now just me and me guitar” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well fuck Ni, way to make it emotional” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss it though” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being on stage?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Know what you mean” Louis agreed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No matter what was going on, how tired we were, how much me knee hurt, how bad the crowd outside was, being on stage made it all worth it. Just seeing how people reacted to the stuff we wrote and sang. Dunno…” Niall said shrugging </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felt invincible up there, falling flat on our arse, making a right arse of ourselves, it was just fun.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if it’s not as much fun by meself?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be different, it is different. Even having Steve DJing. You don’t fuck around as much. No one to throw water at, don’t know what Haz’s gonna do with all them bad jokes.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna have to get a few of me own incase of technical difficulties.” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you can borrow one of his joke books” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know once you get the nerves out of the way for the first few shows that it’ll all fall into place.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna be a real proud big brother moment when I see you up there” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might make me more nervous” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll bring silly string, start sucking I’ll just spray you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You would too” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bet lyric changes aren’t gonna be as much fun by ourselves” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No probably not. I was always good for a few laughs from them” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times did I fuck up Over Again for you by changing the words” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every other fucking night” Niall laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should have just expected it” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always good for a laugh with you” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always liked making you laugh. Made me feel good.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww Tommo” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop with the fucking soppy shit, will ya” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s not for a while and I am excited to kinda do me own thing but I am excited to see us all together, ten years down the line or whatever and see what kinda music we make.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno’s gonna have to stop thinking he’s got any swag and go back to belting shit out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I’ll let you tell him that” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think I won’t?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I know you will” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get that though, not really knowing what your sound is. Like I had a blast with Steve and I needed it and he was great with helping me with my mum and shit. I learned a lot from him, he’s incredible. But like fucking EDM what the fuck was I thinking.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do like a good ballad, not entirely sure that fits with Steve though” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it doesn’t. Even the tune with Bebe, it’s good but like don’t think it’s me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then find what your sound is” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yea, let me go check the couch cushion for it” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll find it, I mean that rockier pop sound. It’s mostly what you wrote for the band. And I know that you don’t want everyone to think that like oh One Direction left and no one told Louis. But your influences were a big part of shaping our sound.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. Just don’t really know what it is right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll find it, you always do. You're a lyricist at heart Tommo, you’ll pull it out, you always did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still can’t always process the last six years, you know what I mean?” Louis said, lighting up a cigarette </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, went from living with me dad in a small house and pretty much knowing everyone in Mullingar and then everyone all over the world knowing who I was. It’s just hard to process, even know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I wonder if we knew how big we were at the time or just now looking back, and I don’t even mean award wise, although I still think we should have been nominated for a fucking Grammy, but it all just built on itself. And just the crew we had with us, the amount of security we needed. An album a year. I wish we had been able to slow things down a bit. Let it all sink in. Enjoy an after party or two every once in a while.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean we were scheduled almost two years out. Your mum literally had to plan her wedding around you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing I was the favorite” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how it would have been any different, because when that schedule started we had no control, and no say really.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if it would have changed anything, not putting out an album every year, not touring every year, taken more time, always been a band but not constantly living in each other’s back pockets.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Maybe we would still be together who knows” Niall shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know the small imprint I had under Simon?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think it’s gonna work out. Or least not with the band I had. They were still on the younger side and I was trying to prevent what happened to us from happening to them and obviously Simon wasn’t pleased. Few of them agreed with me and a few agreed with him, and it kinda caused issues amongst them. I mean I’m all for going all in and doing what needs to be done but I didn’t want them to have the same pressures we did. He was trying to change how some of them dressed and shit. And yea, I told him if he’s gonna be that involved I want out. He wasn’t supposed to even really be involved like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww I’m sorry Louis, I knew how excited you were about it.” Niall said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My management style didn’t exactly fit with what Simon wanted and maybe it was better for us all to experience that then later down the road when we’re all contracted together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were looking out for them, doing what you thought was right. Can’t fault you on that.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just couldn’t let Simon control everything about them like we had to deal with.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll figure out what you want to do” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been writing again. Think I’m gonna release it after mine and Bebe’s. Two songs probably could be released before the end of the year. Haven’t properly recorded them yet but they are mostly finished.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That’s great Lou, see you do still have it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at his phone and saw how late it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should get to bed, lad.” Louis said, showing him the time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, gotta be up pretty early” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed these chats Ni” Louis said smiled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got their things and headed back inside to Niall’s room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight cuddles” Niall said, holding his arms out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not tucking you into bed, Neil” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanted a hug” Niall pouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight Nialler” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Tommo” Niall said hugging him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis quietly went back into his room, El asleep with a book on her chest. He changed into some pajamas and brushed his teeth. He took her book from her and put it on the side table and turned off the lights. He crawled into bed and hugged his pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleanor stirred and Louis just whispered for her to go back to sleep. He fell into a restless sleep and woke up to both of their phone alarms going off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Eleanor said, nudging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm” Louis mumbled </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Need to get up” She said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They still shared a bed, even as friends. But Louis wanted to be cuddled, he wanted that physical contact that always calmed him down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” She said gently, rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanna sleep” He slurred out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, love. But we need to get up.” Eleanor said softly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make it stop” Louis said, reaching for his phone, but dropping it on the floor in the process. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She climbed over him and reached for the phone. Turning off the alarm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you mind if I shower first?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head. “Alright, I’ll wake you when I’m done” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and went back to sleep. Eleanor just smiled at him, at least somethings never change, like a grumpy morning Louis. She showered and started drying her hair when she figured she better wake him again. She called down for room service and ordered tea and some toast with eggs. She promised Fizzy and Lottie she’d take care of him while they were away. She had a text from Lottie saying that her and Liam would be there soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, go shower. Tea’s on it’s way up.” She said, rubbing his back to wake him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grumbled but eventually rolled over and his eyes were open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to go Louis, if it’s going to be too hard.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t let him down” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t, but you need to make sure you’re alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>”M’fine” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Then go shower” She said sweetly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you done in there for now?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me just get my hair dryer and it’s all yours” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dug around his back for his kit and grabbed a clean pair of pants and followed her in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got in the shower and gave himself a pep talk that he could get through this day, he washed himself down and washed his hair. He dried off and stood and looked in the mirror. Now he could see why Fizzy had been so worried, he did look bad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked out into the room and Niall was already sitting there, but not dressed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Quite a look you both are going with.” Eleanor was still in her dressing gown and Niall was in shorts and a t-shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least we’re dressed” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got me pants on, the important bits are covered” Louis said chucking his towel at Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew” Niall said dropping it on the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better get dressed boys” Eleanor said laughing at them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probly should do something with me fucking hair” Louis said, running his fingers through it </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Much shorter than it has been in years” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felt like doing something different” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone’s been watching too much Peaky Blinders” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I might have binged” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go sit, I’ll do it for you” El said, walking into the bathroom and grabbing his hair product </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Quiff always looked better, more responsible” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a lot of pressure on a hairstyle for you” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do whatever you want” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea just quiff it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She dried it a bit and then put the product in it. She then offered to do Niall’s and he agreed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Swear Lou should have taught you Lot better before the break. Both useless now” She said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheers El” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think it works different now that it’s no longer blonde” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could dye it again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no, finally not all fucking dry and dead” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta be careful with the bleach Ni” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinda miss blonde Niall”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh thanks Tommo” Niall said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like I gotta get to know this new Niall” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still the same Niall” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure, lad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Naill said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elenaor finished their hair and then finished hers. Niall went back to get dressed and Louis zipped Eleanor into her dress and she buttoned his dress shirt when his hands were too shaky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea thanks” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tucked his shirt in and reached for his tie. He tied his tie and Niall came back to his room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I look presentable?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course lad” Louis said, eyeing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis straightened his tie and Niall did the same for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adorable” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he does it to try and strangle me” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never” Louis said defensively</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t I go down to the car, and give you both a second.” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Els” Louis said, taking his keys out of his pocket and giving them to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She squeezed his shoulder and took the keys and left them alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” Niall asked, once the door closed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shaky but yea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would it help if I told you I have a flask in my pocket?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe” Louis said, nodding. He gave Niall a small smile and held his hand out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better fucking leave me some” Niall said, handing it to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a swig. It was more a principle of the matter than anything, he knew he couldn’t get drunk today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be okay” Niall said, holding out his palm to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took it and held onto it nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to step out or if you feel overwhelmed just tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that sometimes funerals can be triggering.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What fucking Goodle page did you get that off, lad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The one on how to help your best mate” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, we both know theres a bunch of reasons why today won’t be easy for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not about me, about Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, but you lost someone you loved too” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And today might remind you of your mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When did you have time to go to shrink school, you didn’t even finish your GCSEs.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The internet can teach you a lot.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for keeping me together the last few months.” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Tommo” Niall said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis' phone went off and it was Lottie saying her and Liam had arrived. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We better go” Louis said, showing Niall his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went down to the car and Louis got in the drivers side and El was in the passenger side so Niall slid into the back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They arrived at the church and parked and the three of them snuck into the back. There was security around and Louis didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse. It hadn’t been announced to the public yet that Robin even passed, so hopefully Harry and the rest of the family would be able to grieve in peace like normal people.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Lotts” Louis said, hugging her tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Payno” Louis said, hugging him after Niall finished. He moved to hug Lottie and Louis hugged Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Figured we can just sit in the back row.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all nodded and headed in. They sat on the side in the back, hopefully out of the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was walking through and spotted them all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you all came.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Said we would” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Eleanor lighty elbow him to not be a dick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Harry?” Liam asked hugging him. “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, how’s Bear?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s good.” Liam smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means a lot that you’re all here” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get a hug too?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She climbed over literally everyone and hugged Harry tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lotts” Harry whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She climbed back over everyone, Louis catching her when her heel got caught. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clumsy bunch over here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie just rolled her eyes at him and sat back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You all can sit closer to us you know. It’s locked down, and security said everything is fine so far.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay back here. Don’t want to get in the way.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Louis physically relax next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll come to the lunch yea? I know mum’ll be happy to see you all.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, Haz” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re here for whatever you need.” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright H?” Louis asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shuffled his feet and seemed nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Mike’s gonna talk first but I think all of us are going to say something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’ll be nice Harry” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can do it Harry.” Louis said, meeting his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, um. Gemma looks like she’s motioning, I think it’s starting soon.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go do what you need to do” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All five of them hugged Harry and he went back to his family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cover me Ni” Louis said, reaching into Niall’s inside pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the?” Liam asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis turned around took a swig and placed it back into Niall’s pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure if that’s impressive or worrisome how easy that was.” Lottie said, eyes wide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Eleanor said surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine. Just can’t smoke in here right.” Louis shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The service started and Louis knew they all kept looking at him. Niall and Liam were to his right and Eleanor and Lottie were to his left. It went normally as funeral services do. Louis kept thinking back to his mums and how it was all a blur. He teared up at parts and he felt stupid beucase this was just the regular church part. Louis wasn’t religious, Harry wasn’t either but he was spiritual and some of that did help Louis. Louis believed in something. He talked to his mum in his head. He heard sniffles next to him and looked down the row and saw Lottie was getting emotional. He poked Eleanor’s thigh and motioned to Lottie. She nodded motioned with Lottie to switch with her. Louis pulled Lottie closer to him and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Lotts.” Louis said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiped her eyes and nodded. Niall watched how quickly Louis switched to comfort everyone around him. He squeezed Louis’ leg and Louis nodded. The service continued and then it was time for the four kids to talk. Mike started it off and it was sad and beautiful and you could tell that despite being a blended family, they all loved each other so much. That they wanted and needed more time. Louis knew his grip on Lottie was getting tighter. He brushed his own tears away. He felt an arm around his shoulders and looked over to Niall who also was teary, his face reddening like it did when he was trying not to cry. Lottie and Louis were the closest to Robin and combined with the fact they only buried their mum six months ago, they both were having a hard time. Harry was talking and Louis just wanted to wrap him in a hug and kiss all his tears away. He didn’t look like a popstar that performed to thousands at a time, he just looked like a sad child who had lost a parent. Louis felt himself getting antsy, flashing back to his own words from his mum's service. He was jittery and sweaty and it was how he felt at the hospital the other day. Harry had locked eyes with Louis, find someone caring in the audience Louis remembered. Harry had finished speaking now it was Gemma. He squeezed Lottie’s hand and leaned over to Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni, need air” Louis said, panicked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall nodded and grabbed Louis by the arm and got him out to the lobby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Breathe, breathe” Niall said calmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put Louis’s hand on his chest. “Match your breathing with mine, yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the one thing that always helped him claustrophobia, it gave him something to focus on and Niall figured it wouldn’t hurt. Louis did as Niall said and breathed deeply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay Lou.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and Niall pulled him into a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need something, need air. I don’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay. Easy” Niall said getting him outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loosed Louis’ tie and shirt at the neck and let him get his breathing under control. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn’t have let Lottie fucking come. Seeing her so upset and then…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey just focus on breathing, okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and fumbled in his pockets. He shoved a cigarette in his mouth but his hands were too shaky to light it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gimme” Niall said, pucking it from Louis' lips and grabbing his lighter. He lit it and put it back in Louis’ mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a long drag before blowing it out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks”  Louis said. He wiped his eyes again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna talk about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood in silence for a few more minutes, backs to the street. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we should go back.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They quietly made their way back to their seats and Louis saw Eleanor hugging Lottie. It was pretty much the end of the service, and Louis just focused on his breathing. He wrapped an arm around Lottie and she held on tight to his hand. The service was ending and the family had walked out. He could feel Niall, Liam and Elenaor all continuously glancing at him. He saw Niall and Liam both wipe their eyes so at least he wasn’t alone in crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” He asked Lottie quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and he rubbed her back. He had originally been against her coming, not wanting to put any of them through another funeral service so soon after their mum. He talked to Fizzy and they both decided that it wouldn’t be the best thing ever for her but Lottie insisted. They made their way out of their row once a good portion of people had dissipated into the lobby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told Haz the other day we were gonna skip the cemetery portion. I’m not up for that, but if you two want you should go.” Louis said to Niall and Liam. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like we should” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go with Li, will you be alright?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I got El and Lotts. Probably going to just go to our room for a bit then we’ll meet you for the luncheon.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Niall asked him </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea, I’m alright, just. I know me limits.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall saw Harry searching through the crowd of people for someone and Niall tugged his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey H” Niall said, pulling him into a tight hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t say anything, he just let Niall hug him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You spoke wonderfully about Robin, Harry. You did a great job.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Li” Harry said, hugging him as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright H?” Louis asked, hugging him next </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He held on the tightest to Louis, not needing to say anything. Louis saw the sad, drawn look on his face. Part of it was over, and he just felt awkward and Louis understood that perfectly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded and Louis released him from the hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks all of you for coming. It um, it really means a lot to all of us, to me.” Harry said, wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all just nodded, there wasn’t anything any of them could say that would make this easier and they knew that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, mum wants us” Gemma said walking over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie, Liam hi” She said hugging them both since she hadn’t seen them yet. She hugged Liam first and then Lottie, knowing how hard this must be for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright darling?” She asked Lottie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie nodded and Gemma hugged her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry Gems, it’s awful” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all chatted about nothing of importance, them all needing a break from the emotional day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to go H” Gemma finally said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait Harry” Louis said tugging his arm and pulling him aside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, um. El, Lotts and I are going to skip the cemetery portion. I don’t think I can handle that, and I don’t think Lottie could either. I’m sorry, if you changed your mind and want me there I can come but…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis it’s okay. I saw you leave after I spoke. I know you’re doing the best you can. You being here, it’s more than enough. Whatever you're comfortable with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have my phone if you need me or anything but you have your mum and Gemma so that’s stupid” Louis said, words tumbling out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not stupid, very much appreicated.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded. “Come here, H” Louis said opening his arms wide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry melted into Louis’ hug and hugged him back just as tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll see you at the lunch then, yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know mum’ll be happy you stayed for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You better go” Louis said, pointing over to Gemma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall and Liam left and Lottie, Eleanor and Louis went back to Louis car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright to drive?” Eleanor asked him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, m’alright” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were quiet on the ride back to the hotel, there really wasn’t much to say. They made their way up to the room and said she was going to fetch them tea, Louis wanted to facetime Freddie and Lottie mumbled she’d be on the balcony. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis talked to Freddie, he was a bit fussy and wanted no parts in being on the phone so Louis didn’t keep him long. He went out to see Lottie curled up on the chair, her face hidden in her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lotts” Louis said gently, pulling over the chair next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie just shook her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling, look at me, please” Louis said, putting his hand on her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie looked up and he saw her face was tear stained and her eyes were red and puffy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her tight, hating seeing his sister so upset. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like mum all over again and I know it’s stupid…” Lottie said, fresh tears forming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis cupped her face between his hands. “Not stupid, not at all” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is losing someone always going to hurt this much and always going to bring mum back up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope not, but it’s still pretty fresh, yea.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis ran his thumb under her eye to brush away her tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her so much” Lottie cried </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her instantly again, he felt the same way. He couldn’t protect her from this pain and he was at a loss of what to say to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He willed himself to keep his own emotions in check for the time being. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know everyone says that it gets easier, and maybe it does. But it’s only been six months love, we’ve loved mum our whole lives, it won’t just magically stop hurting. Maybe it won’t hurt as much one day but we’re not there yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie nodded and wiped her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went back in and got her some tissues. Her hair was astray and he tried to at least get it out of her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were right, this wasn’t a good idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little late for that now, love” Louis said, giving her a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know what I’d do without you” Lottie said, resting her head on Louis’ arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel the same about you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat for a few minutes. Louis new El had come back with their teas but he was thankful she was giving them space. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be okay, all of us. I don’t know when, I wish I did. But we will, we’ve got each other” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, El’s back with tea” Louis said standing up and holding his hand out for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie nodded and stood up and followed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You also need to fix your face” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie just rolled her eyes and lightly shoved him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Niall texted saying to head to the luncheon so El and Lottie freshened up and they went back to Louis’ car. They were quiet on the drive over but eventually arrived. Niall and Liam were waiting outside for them. Louis could see Niall had put his sunglasses on, despite the fact the sun had disappeared behind clouds. He could see the tips of ears and cheeks were red, a tell-tail sign he was upset. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright lads?” Louis asked, walking over to them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should’ve stayed with you” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked in concern at Liam, who actually didn’t look much better than Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking sad” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave them a small nod, it’s exactly why he sat that part out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not great, none of them are. The four of them went off somewhere, Anne’s surprisingly doing a good job keeping it all together.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her siblings took her into another room as well, but she came back out quickly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis fidgeted with his tie, he wasn’t sure how much more he could handle today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we should go in” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all nodded and headed into lunch. They sat together, a table pretty far away from everyone else, the three of them felt weird despite knowing all of Harry’s family, they still felt like at any moment someone would make a scene that One Direction was back together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need a beer” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Agreed, I’ll come with” Niall said getting up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Skip me” Liam said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and he and Niall went over to the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you holding up?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. “Lottie was pretty upset once we got back to the room. Misses mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was better you skipped that part.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were pretty upset when we first got here.” Louis said, poking Niall’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, dunno just hit me kinda hard.” Niall said “Makes shit real” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Louis said nodding. “How’s Payno?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay I think, upset like me”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t exactly how to learn how to deal with this shit while we were traveling the world.” Louis said, sipping his beer </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No we didn’t. But I’m glad that despite whatever the fucking media wants to think that we’ll always have each other’s backs.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Family, you know that. Won’t let anything change that even if Zayn left us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam told him, just said to pass on his condolences.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking dickhead” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Niall wanted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, sorry. My issues with him aren’t any of your problems.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what he said and the jabs hurt all of us.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, that’s why it’s important the four of us stick together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis motioned back to their table and they grabbed the other drinks and headed back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat and talked and the food started to be placed in front of them. He had been looking around for Harry, he wanted to check on him but he had yet to see him. That didn’t exactly seem like the Harry he knew but it could be overwhelming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve seen Haz?” Louis asked Niall and Liam </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both shook their head no, now that Louis said it, they handn’t seen him either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe he just needed some space, he was really upset at the cemetery.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I’m gonna go check in with Gemma, see how he is” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should eat Louis” Lottie said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You barely touched your food.” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not that hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo you gotta eat.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Maybe I’ll just throw it all around the room and dump it on me head like Freddie does when he doesn’t want to eat.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s cute on him, but I’m not picking pasta out of your fringe.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes but gave Niall a small smile. He ate the plate in front of him and then they finally let him try and go find Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He searched the room to see if he could find him but there was still no sight of him. He saw Gemma walking through the room and made his way over to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemms hey” Louis called out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, how are you holding up?” Gemma asked hugging him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright, how are you?” He hugged her back. She looked tired and worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just ready to go home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to bail out before the others. I have my car here.” Louis offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s sweet but can’t leave mum and the others.” Gemma said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna check on Harry. I haven’t seen since we first got here. He was talking to a few people and then he just disappeared.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he had enough, he’s in the longue, doesn’t want to see anyone. Won’t even really see mum. I think he’s just overwhelmed and sad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded because he knew exactly how that felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He eat yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma just shook her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can sneak me a hot plate of food and I’ll take it to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He yelled at me when I went in, I know you’re special and all but you’re going to get his wrath.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve seen it before. Seen him yell and seen him get quiet and calculated. I’m a big boy, I can handle him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, get him some water, he could use it and I’ll find you a plate of food.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, and hugged Gemma again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a good friend Louis, we’re lucky to have you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Gems.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go for a wee and then I’ll come get a plate from you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma nodded and went to find out where she could get Harry some food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face. He went back out and found Gemma waiting with a fresh plate of food for Harry. He grabbed a few waters and she told him where to find harry. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. No answer so Louis just opened it. Harry’s back was to him and he didn't want to startle him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, it’s me” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was sitting in a chair but turned when he heard Louis’ voice. He had loosened his tie and already took his jacket off, Louis took in Harry’s puffy eyes and red face, knowing he was still actively crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Haz” Louis said sadly, he set everything down and hugged Harry tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, I’ve got you” Louis said, hugging him tight and cradling the back of Harry’s head with his hand. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist and dug his face into Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let it all out, love” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry cried and Louis just held him, he hoped Harry wouldn’t have been this emotional because Louis wasn’t sure he had the mental strength to handle this. Louis got them both into the plush armchair, still holding onto Harry. He knew Harry didn’t let most people see him this way and Louis didn’t know if it was good or bad that he was still one of the people that Harry trusted the most. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can eat and drink for me, Haz? Gemma said you haven’t eaten yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis ran his fingers through Harry’s hair and waited for him to calm himself down a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” Harry mumbled out, voice raspy from crying</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure you are” Louis said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loosened his own tie and moved Harry enough that he could shrug out of his own suit jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how hard this is, and I get it’s a stupid fucking question but you seem much more upset than I was expecting after the last few days?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew it was going to be hard but I dunno” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can eat a little. The pasta was good.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry Lou, feel a bit sick to my stomach.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that feeling, and nothing makes it better. I know, but you need to eat something.” Louis said, handing him the plate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’d you come find me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me and the boys were getting worried, knew your mum had to deal with everyone at there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means a lot you’re here. I know you’re probably struggling on the inside but I needed you and you were here no questions asked.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I was Haz, no matter what you, Ni, Li, me, we’re a family, we’ll always be there for each other. I’m just surprised I’m still one of the people you trust enough to see you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never stopped trusting you, Lou.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never stopped trusting you either.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and hugged Louis, Louis hugged him back immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, take some more bites.” He said pointing to the plate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis moved them over to the couch so he had more room to shove the plate at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told Gemma the same thing, you want out say the word and I’ll take you home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean it’s not normal to hide out in some lounge?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No probably not, but I made Stan and Oli take me home from mum’s. I’d had enough, couldn’t do it anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, the three of us were worried until Oli texted Niall.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You handle it anyway you need to H.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for giving me space though, I just needed to be alone for a little.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, but you had enough space. Thought you needed a friend now.” Louis said, nudging him with his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always need you” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m right here” Louis said “Promised you that day you called me to come over when you told me about his diagnosis. I promised you that you weren’t in this alone. You didn’t like me be either when I told you about mum. Never fully understood the no one fights alone sentiment, but it’s so fucking true. Affects everyone around you in different ways.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you doing okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m...not fine but I’m handling it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can take me home now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said, putting his hand on top of Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we should pull a Ni and just do an Irish goodbye?” Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably should at least tell my mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll go tell the others.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shoved Harry over and stood up and put his suit coat back on, he handed Harry his, who shrugged and put it back on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did good today, H.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went to find his mum and Louis went back out to their table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You find Harry?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he wants to go home so I’m gonna take him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want us to go?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t think he’s up for company. Can you take Lottie and El with you?” Louis asked Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course Tommo.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need me, call me.” Louis said, kissing Lottie’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Eleanor squeeze his hand and he patted the top of Niall and Liam’s heads. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry and Anne walked over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll take care of my baby?” She asked Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always, Anne.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry both hugged her before leaving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was quiet of the ride back to Anne’s house and Louis knew nothing he said would help so he just put the radio on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get you anything?” Louis asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna go change, maybe tea?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could tell how tired he was. He wanted to just tuck him under blankets and make sure nothing else hurt him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, think I can steal a pair of joggers and a t-shirt? I’ve exceeded the amount of time I can wear a dress clothes.” Louis said, giving Harry a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It got a light laugh out of Harry and that’s all Louis wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shed his tie and coat and turned the kettle on. There was a small box of Yorkshire tea on the counter, either Harry or Anne must have bought it since he’d been around so much again. He put the backs into the tea cups and waited for the water to warm. Harry walked in and handed him some clothes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought it wasn’t your favorite?” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum knows your obsession so when she went to the shops yesterday she bought you some, knew that you had finished your travel stash.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate it.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can handle the kettle without burning yourself while I change?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one that’s a hazard in the kitchen.” Harry pouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanker” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever, go change. You’re such a child when it comes to dress clothes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too many times wearing fancy suits and not getting to party after. Maybe it does make me a child.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go change, I can handle this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and went up to Harry’s room to change, he even stole a hanger out of Harry’s closet and hung his suit up. He went back down and saw Harry already of the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Louis asked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ask me that” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said, nodding. “What do you want to watch?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something mindless” Harry said, scrolling through their options. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled when he saw there was a Friends marathon on. Louis knew that Harry had seen every episode multiple times because Louis himself has seen ever episode multiple times. He sipped his tea, he liked his much hotter than Harry liked his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can take a kip if you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might do” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lay down, get comfy” Louis said, grabbing the throw pillow that was next to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had a few more sips of tea but then laid his head on the pillow on Louis’ lap. Louis had his feet propped up up on the coffee table and let Harry get himself comfy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleep if you want, you’ve seen all these episodes already.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just stuck his tongue out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said you haven’t been sleeping good, you wanna go up to your bed instead?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I’m comfy” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then just close your eyes” Louis said, poking Harry’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gently ran his fingers up and down Harry’s side and it slowly started to calm him down. He switched to running his fingers through Harry’s hair once he was asleep. Louis followed shortly after and fell asleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne woke them up a little while later. Gemma was back with her along with Niall, Liam, Eleanor and Lottie. They all sat around and watched TV and Gemma heated up some of the food that everyone had dropped off over the last few days. Louis was a little embarrassed that Harry was curled up on him, because he was trying really hard to just be friends with him, but there was something in him that hurt more than it hurt to see him hurting for just being a friend. Anne had them all stay for dinner. Louis was pretty sure they hadn’t even put a dent in all the food, that none of them were even that hungry, including Niall. They went back to the hotel to sleep, Louis told Harry that he’d come see him tomorrow before he went back to Donny. Niall, Liam and Louis all fell asleep in the same bed watching a movie. Lottie and Elenaor went to Niall’s room to sleep, laughing at how nothing has changed since they were all first starting out. Eleanor had seen enough cuddle puddles to know not to intrude. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis, Niall and Liam went over to Anne’s the following morning. Niall and Liam said their goodbyes first and left and Louis was left with Harry. They were out in the garden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When do you leave for tour?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should have started rehearsal already, think we’re just gonna go to the first city first and do it there. So probably next week.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gonna be okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have to be” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could postpone” Louis offered “I probably would” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel like I have to prove myself” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By myself now, I was the youngest…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were also the most loved” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just shrugged it made all of the uncomfortable when anyone talked about one of their successes over another.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just make sure you take care of yourself, you know it’ll be different by yourself and your grieving.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said, giving him a small smile. Louis was still trying to protect him even though they were all solo now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be okay. I’m a big boy now. And Gemma’s gonna come along for the first leg at least.” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, all grown up and everything.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t have gone solo at sixteen. Needed you lot, needed you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Needed you too.” Louis said “Just grief is a weird thing and there's no right or wrong way to do it. I just want to make sure that you’ll be okay. It’s hard some days.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re always a phone call away, yea?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pick a show date, I can sneak you in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t wanna put that on you. What we had shouldn’t overshadow what you're doing now if we were to get caught.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, what no. I wouldn’t be doing any of this without all of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be great Harry, I know you will. And I can’t wait to hear all about your movie premiere. Glad to know our iCarly stint and our documentary really paid off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t wait to hear all about it. And try not to fall flat on your arse on stage. We aren’t there to laugh with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More like laugh at” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yea” Louis said smirking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t thank you enough, for everything you’ve done the last few months. It made it a lot better having you here.” Harry said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis pursed his lips and nodded. Not expecting Harry to get all serious again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it Lou, you made sure I didn’t lose myself. You knew when I needed to talk or just cry. I wouldn’t be as okay without you. So thank you.” Harry said, hugging him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d do anything for you boys, you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I just wanted to say thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Louis said, hugging him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So when do I get to see you again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure, I’m here for another week or so and then I’m in LA pretty much till the end of the summer. Am doing some festivals with Bebe and stuff for the single, gonna hang out with Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise me that you won’t ignore me. Goes both ways Louis, you can talk to me too. I know you’re doing better, but you still got me.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I appreciate that too.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna stay for lunch?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta get back to Donny, the girls are giving Nan and Grandad a run for their money” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course they are, they learned from the best.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the perfect child.” Louis said, pouting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you were.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna miss you, liked being around you three again.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, gonna miss you too.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we can meet up in LA? You there at all?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not till the fall I think. Probably will spend my off days with mum or in London.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t be the first time we don’t see each other.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, so just don’t lose my phone number.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t, Haz.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do have to get going” Louis said, seeing a text from Lottie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, it really meant a lot, everything you did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hugged again before Louis went to say goodbye to Anne and Gemma and headed back to the hotel to pick up Lottie and Eleanor. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for all the support so far! I know updates have gotten very sporadic. This is probably the last update for February. While some family health matters have thankfully calmed down, theres a big thing I've been working for and hoping for coming up in the next few weeks. All the thoughts, prayers and good vibes would be much appreciated. </p><p>I promise to come back with some even better chapters hopefully by March. I have some future chapters written out but I need to write some more chapters to get to those points so I promise that this story will continue! I seem to write my feelings with how I'm dealing with things and I've been quite stressed and anxious the last few months and I feel like that has really reflected in my writing but I promise there are always happy endings! So please stick with me and your comments and encouragement really are appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had been back in Donny for a week, Eleanor and Oli had gone back to London but he decided to stay. Fizzy was moving in with him shortly so he said he’d help her pack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sure it’s okay?” Fizzy asked and Louis folded more shirts that she had thrown on her bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know me house is big and all but are you planning on using all the guest room closets as well, love?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even fold me own clothes this much” Louis said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But seriously, Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course it is. I’d rather be the one taking care of you than putting it on Lottie. And this way I can make sure you’re doing alright.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So then what’s with the sneaking out and sneaking back in?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d you?” Fizzy said stunned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think you’re the first Tomlinson to sneak back in the house?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no idea what you’re on about.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you don’t” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you gonna tell Nan?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No point in worrying her but I swear if you sneak out on me I’ll put a tracking device on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like responsible Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well, if I’m going to be your legal guardian that means I have to make sure you’re safe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh fine, no sneaking out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not dad and I’m not trying to be dad but I’m serious Fizz, lying to me is not alright. And yea I’m gonna want to know where you are from time to time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fair.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re still only sixteen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You lived with your boyfriend when he was sixteen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay first ex-boyfriend, second he turned seventeen when we moved in together and third we didn’t start dating until he was eighteen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck I sound like mum” Louis said, scrubbing a hand through his hair </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sorta do” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had finished with the most recent pile Fizzy had tossed at him and he looked around her room wondering how she had so much stuff at sixteen. He was pretty sure her closet was bigger than his whole room was back then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stuff on the desk, please” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and moved to the pile of things on the desk. He was putting a smaller jewelry type container into a box when he dropped it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it” Fizzy said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Fizz, you wanna tell me what this shit is?” Louis demanded, holding up a baggie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn't smell like nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not what you think it is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So this isn’t a box holding weed, stuff to roll the weed and condoms then?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see Fizzy blushing but he was seeing red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Fizz.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You smoke it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn't make it right and I wasn’t doing it at sixteen either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m almost seventeen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not helping” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put all the items back on the desk and sat Fizzy down in the chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felicite are you coming to live with me because you think I’ll let you do whatever you want?” Louis demanded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Fizzy said, eyes watering </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You promised me you’d cut that shit out when you got caught at school.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not at school anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t…. NO. It’s still not alright. You’re too young.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You publicly told the whole world you were sixteen when you had sex.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea sorta regret that now.” Louis said “Fizz I’m serious...this isn’t okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least I know how condoms work.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For God’s sakes it fucking broke.” Louis said he was beyond annoyed and felt like now Fizzy was only living with him because she thought he wouldn’t have any rules. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell Nan, please.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t for now. But Fizz you can’t keep just doing whatever the fuck you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” She said quietly  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, alright try and not smoke and if you seriously need it I’ll get it for you so at least I know it’s fucking clean. And I’m not going to take your condoms but just promise me you’re being safe and being smart. You’re not even dating anyone, which is fine but. I just don’t want you to get hurt. I just don’t want you to get hurt Fizzy. You’re so kind and I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good, Lou. I promise.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not, you’re not being smart right now. Getting high and sleeping with different people won’t actually make you feel better and it won’t bring Mum back. I promise you that. Alright, I just. You were always more mature for your age but right now you’re acting way above your years and I’m allowed to be worried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Fizzy said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not mad, alright. I’m just worried. Maybe we need to have another chat about how you’re doing.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here for you, I told you that. But you can’t keep hurting yourself. Is there anything else I should know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy shook her head no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz, what is it?” Louis asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still so fucking sad” Fizzy said before she started to cry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Fizzy” Louis said sadly, hugging her tight while she cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushed her hair behind her ear and got her to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me and you, we’ll work on it together, yea.” Louis said, voice shaky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just nodded against his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling, mummy wouldn’t want you to be so sad. I know it takes time, I still have me own bad days but if you’re feeling like this all the time. I think we need to tell someone else, I don’t know what else to do for you and I don’t want you to hurt this much.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll figure it out.” Louis said kissing her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been a few weeks since Fizzy had moved in with him, Oli, Eleanor and Bruce and Cliff. He was getting ready to go to some festivals and promote the single with Bebe and he was worried about leaving Fizzy. But she had turned seventeen and he needed to be able to trust her. He had found a grief therapist and he wasn’t sure it was working, but it wasn’t hurting so she kept going. Sometimes she asked him to go with her and he was pretty sure he’d rather go sing on the X-factor naked than talk about his own grief and everything else he’d long locked away inside himself but she asked so he was there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harry had started his solo tour and Louis would be lying if he said he didn’t go online and search for clips from the performance. Him and Oli had somehow gone to see Dunkirk without anyone finding out, he just had been told he had to deny seeing it but was allowed to talk about it if asked in interviews. Stupid if you asked him but whatever, he could play nice with others. It was great, Harry was brilliant and Louis had no idea that Harry could do that. He had sent him a nice text the night of his London premier, where Anne was his date and said he was now all grown up. Honestly Louis missed him so much, a bit of it was jealousy over being able to tour but he honestly just missed spending time with Harry so he did the only logical thing he could think of and that was to ignore Harry’s texts. He did text him a good luck on the opening night of his tour and got a little soppier than he probably should have but Harry had seemed to appreciate it. He weighed the pros and cons with Oli about sneaking into a show and Oli was on board but he didn’t think it would work out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was sitting in his LA house, Oli and El with him. He was leaving Fizzy in London for the first time by herself. He left her money, a list of things to do and numbers to call if she needed anything and Lou promised that she’d pop in to check on her. He had hoped she’d come see Freddie with him and come to some shows he was doing with Bebe but she said she wanted to get started on designing and she seemed genuinely happy about it that he didn’t want to force her. He thought she had seemed off a few times and one night he really pushed her on it and she told me that she had smoked again. He knew the signs of being high and they weren’t it. He asked if she’d taken anything else but she promised him she hadn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The three of them were eating dinner when he got a call from Fizzy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Fizz.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi is this Louis?” Some other voice said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Louis said confused </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something happened to Fizzy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” He yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She took something” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis went through a mental list of people he could call. He’d seen Niall the other day so he knew that he was in LA, Liam was somewhere he just couldn’t remember where and he knew Harry was between show dates. He had texted him asking if he was in London. Louis of course didn’t answer him. He missed him too much and getting to see what it would be like to get back together was too hard to have it all ripped away again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The fuck did she take? Who are you? Where are you?” Louis yelled over the phone </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eleanor and Oli looked at him concerned and Louis mouthed airplane and Oli nodded and grabbed his laptop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis got the information from the girl on the phone who promptly told him they would not take her to a hospital, that her apartment was across the street from the club and they’d take her there. Louis had never heard of the girl or the club and he knew instantly Fizzy’s been lying to him for sometime. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he called the one person he knew he could trust. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry it’s me, you’re in London, yea?” Louis said before Harry could even say hello. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea Louis I’m here, you would have known that if you answered my text.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I’m a dick. Look I...Fizzy needs help” Louis said, voice cracking. He rushed it out, he knew Harry had no obligation to listen to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, hating how frazzled Louis sounded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She took something, they wouldn’t tell me” Louis rattled off the address and what other little information he had and Harry told him that him and Gemma would get Fizzy and either take her to a hospital or take her to Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli slid the computer to him and Louis saw he was on a flight to London tonight. He gave Harry the details and said he’d call when he landed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta go” Louis said as soon as he hung up with Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Last seat Lou, we can follow tomorrow, I’m checking now. Wanted to get you booked though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sometimes flew private and while it was nicer and more relaxing he felt like a twat doing it. And he really didn’t think he needed a plane for three people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you need to go with you?” Eleanor asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know. Shit gotta call Bri too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis called and explained that Fizzy needed him but he’d be back soon and if he could come give Freddie a hug and kiss goodbye. She wasn’t thrilled but she agreed. He got all packed up and a car arrived and it shuttled him to see Freddie and then to the airport. He was sitting in his first class seat and started looking up effects of cocaine to see if he’d missed any signs. He couldn’t believe his baby sister was in some club snorting drugs and he had no idea. He didn’t know if he wanted to kill her himself or hug her for the rest of their lives. He couldn’t fall asleep, luckily a red eye meant most people were sleeping and no one seemed to have spotted him other than the elderly gentlemen he was sat next to and the flight attendants. It was pretty early in the morning when they landed at Heathrow, the city still sleeping. Luckily it was his usual driving service that Oli had arranged and he gave Harry’s address to him. Harry had texted him mid flight that they had Fizzy and he had a doctor come to the house to check her out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grabbed his bags out of the car, tipped the driver in what he was sure was American dollars and ran to Harry’s front door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He banged on the door and a very tired and stressed Harry opened the door clad in some pajama bottoms slung low on his hips and an old t-shirt Louis recognized. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is she?” Louis demanded pushing past him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said, trying to grab him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“LOU” Harry yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It got Louis attention and he stopped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, sorry” Louis said dropping his bags. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“She’s asleep upstairs, Gemma’s with her. I’ll explain what I know. Do you want something to eat? A cuppa?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cuppa would be good. Not hungry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make you some toast then” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to see her” Louis demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s asleep, don’t wake her. It was a long night.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should’ve been here. Can I at least see that she’s breathing?” Louis said, eyes watery and voice shaky </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s in my room” Harry said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis nodded and took the stairs two at a time. He quietly pushed the door open and saw Gemma propped up in the big bed next to a sleeping Fizzy. He quietly walked over and stroked her cheek, she looked so much younger sleeping, far too young to have the demons she apparently did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt himself getting emotional again and after seeing the rise and fall of her breathing he stepped back into the hallway. He felt a pair of arms encircle him into a hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma” He said, voice wavering </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, she’s alright now.” Gemma said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had no fucking idea” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and hugged him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go shower, you smell like stale airplane” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well what do you expect from a direct flight from LA.” He quipped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go she’s alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took probably the quickest shower he ever has and checked on Fizzy again before going down stairs. Still in his towel since he left his bags at the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Finally agree clothes are overrated?” Harry asked as he walked into the kitchen </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gemma made me go shower, bags down here.” Louis said, Harry’s joke falling flat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and placed the tea and toast at the table and Louis got dressed at the front door. He didn’t stop to process how weird that was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was back in the kitchen swirling his spoon around the tea and jumped when he felt Harry’s hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you” Harry said when Louis jumped </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, for getting her. Looking after her. I didn’t know who to call or who to trust with this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Lou, you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I didn’t answer” Louis admitted, sipping his tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and finally took a bite of toast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So um, did they tell you anything else?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was definitely cocaine. Apparently it wasn’t the first time.” Harry said gently </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis just hung his head between his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew something was up with her and I pushed and she didn’t tell me and I shouldn’t have left her here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She still would have found a way and you know it.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She just turned seventeen Harry, how the fuck is she doing cocaine, who the fuck let her in that fucking club.” Louis yelled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nudged him off the chair and dragged him behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop manhandling me, where are we going?” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t answer him and the next thing Louis knew was that they were in Harry’s home gym and Harry was strapping boxing gloves to his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have at it, you won’t wake her up from down here.” Harry said casually, sitting in the plush chair in the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck is this?” Louis demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re angry and I get it, she lied to you and you’re worried and you were yelling and you’re not the quietest person ever and she’s finally asleep so have it, scream, yell, punch things.” Harry said gesturing like it was the most logical thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled his eyes, not convinced. There was a time him and Harry boxed together frequently but Louis had not boxed since they broke up. He tried but he burst into tears about five seconds into it. Their trainer at the time obviously knew why but luckily didn’t say anything and never brought it up to Louis again and Louis hasn’t boxed since.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on” Harry said, grabbing water from the small fridge in there. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis started and then he kept going, ignoring the fact he was only in a thin pair of joggers and an old t-shirt. Not like Harry hadn’t seen it before he figured. He kept up a solid pace before collapsing into the bag and then he felt Harry’s arms around him. He turned from hugging the bag to hugging Harry, face buried in his chest. He was full on sobbing and he couldn’t figure out which emotion was winning, fear, anger, grief, heartache. It was all swirling around in him like a tornado and he felt like he was going to pass out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Breath Louis” Harry demanded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sipped the gloves off and cupped Louis’s cheeks to try and get him to meet his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s alright Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave him a weak nod before he felt more tears. Harry hugged him and rubbed his back and eventually Louis calmed down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“M’sorry” Louis said sniffling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be. I could hear how scared you were on the phone.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right before I left for LA she had come home one night and seemed off, said she was just high on weed. But I knew she wasn’t, I know what that looks like and I let it fucking go. She could have fuckign di…” Louis said, cutting himself off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But she didn’t. And now you know and maybe now you knowing will help her.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She talked to you, didn’t she?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was still pretty high but kept saying how disappointed you were going to be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More scared than anything” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said she’d tried it back at school, stopped for a bit and then some friends in Donny and her tried it and then she had friends here that she knew used and delt.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so fucking stupid.” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not Louis. You took her for her word, that’s not a bad thing either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She kept saying she didn’t feel sad, that it finally worked.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No shit it was the fucking drugs.” Louis said, angering boiling again “She’s been seeing a grief therapist. She said that all of us, at least Lottie and I as well probably all have some trauma we haven’t properly dealt with from mum’s death, because it all happened so quick. And Fizz has been having the hardest time. And there wasn’t some big change but it wasn’t hurting her, and I thought maybe it was helping. But clearly not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I do anything to help?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do anymore. I promised her I’d keep the marijuana from our grandparents and dad but I feel like this is something they need to know about. She lied to me and I mean she could have fucking killed herself, I’m not gonna let her suffer through all of this alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you won’t” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do I do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know Lou” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean yea we all tried shit at one point or another but other than weed we didn’t really do anything else more than once. Clearly she’s been doing this longer than just tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe talk to the therapist she already has.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I guess, it’s probably more than just that. First she has to stop fucking lying to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had calmed down considerably and all he wanted to do was go check on her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna go relieve Gemma, I’ll stay with her and then when she wakes up we’ll go home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can stay if you’d be more comfortable with more people around her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll um see what she wants to do, but thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, thank you. I um, I really appreciate it. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know who I could trust or who was around. And just thank you. I owe you one.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t owe me anything Lou, do anything for your and your sisters. You would’ve done the same thing right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, you know i think of Gemma as my sister. Hope she never goes through that. I spent most of the plane ride back looking shit up and it’s fucking terrifying.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll figure it all out, you always do. And anything you need you know you have Gems and my mum too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged Harry tight and he didn’t know if he was hugging Harry because he was thankful for him or because he needed all the strength Harry could give him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Harry said, hugging Louis tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go check on her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want anything else?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thank you, I’m good. Might try and sleep a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis quietly walked over to Gemma who was awake and reading a book, “Hey Gems, I’ll stay with her. Kinda getting antsy not knowing how she’s doing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’m a little better now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Gemma said smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gemma left Louis alone and Louis kissed Fizzy’s forehead and brushed her hair out of her face. He didn’t want to disturb her so he fixed the blankets and climbed into the chair Gemma had moved over to the bed and wrapped himself in one of the extra blankets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis felt like he was just staring at the rise and fall of the blankets to see her breathing. He thought over the last several months of her living with him and he kept kicking himself that there was a few times that he was sure she lied to him, her moods were up and down and he knew grief could cause that but he also knew it could have been her drug use. She hadn’t felt well for a few days and he believed her when she said it was just a cold. He kept looking up what to do and he felt a few tears slip out. He didn’t want to wake her up if kept crying so he tried to fall asleep instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curled around himself with the blanket and finally felt calm enough to sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A little while later Louis was still asleep but all of a sudden he felt a pull on his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Fizzy croaked out. “Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes shot open and he was out of the chair in an instant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felicitie” He said, pulling her in for the tightest hug he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard her sniffle and he didn’t dare let go. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you Fizz, so much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finally pulled apart, both teary eyed. And he took in how she looked, tired and drawn but she still looked like the Fizzy he knew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Fizzy said through her tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll talk about it, trust me we will. But how are you feeling, that’s the most important right now, making sure you’re alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright I think” Fizzy said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, good” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said seriously “But we’re gonna figure this out, love.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um how did I end up at Harry’s?” Fizzy asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The girls that you were with called me, said they were going to leave you in someone’s flat. THey wouldn’t put you on or you weren’t able to talk, I’m not exactly sure but I was in LA, wasn’t sure who to call and I knew Harry was here for a few days here and I trusted him to do what was best for you. They wouldn’t take you to the hospital and they wouldn’t tell me much else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They aren’t the best people I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should hope not” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gave Harry what information I had and he and Gemma went and found you. He called a doctor to come check on you. Gems got you cleaned up and they switched off watching you through the night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry” Fizzy said, burying her face in her hands and crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not alright, Fizz. This shit can get out of hand real quick” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meaning that it can’t keep happening” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Fizzy nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Fizz you’re scaring me.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It makes me feel better” Fizzy yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had learned on the plane doing his research that extreme mood swings can be a sign of use or detox so he knew he was going to need to be patient. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Times what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How many times have you used?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not playing around Fizzy.” Louis said getting annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A handful I guess, I don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You promised me” Louis said, angry now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and I said I was sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can die from this shit Fizz</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span> “Yea if you do too much” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were fucking incoherent last night, those so called friends you were with last night didn’t seem to care about you at all” Louis said, borderline yelling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop yelling!” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz, I don’t….” Louis said yelling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stopped and took a few deep breaths. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how sad you’ve been and I’ve been doing everything I can think of to try and help you but I can’t help you if you’re fucking lying to me. I don’t want anything happening to you, do you know how scary it is to be in another fucking country and find out your sisters pissed on some drug and being scared to death I was going to land and find out that you’re dead. Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was that I was gonna have to call dad and the girls and tell them that in several months of living with me you now you drugs and fucking died. Do you have any idea how scary that is?” Louis said, he started off calm but now he was panting and screaming and he had tears running down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” Fizzy yelled back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re anything but fine” Louis said walking out of the room. He ran downstairs and grabbed his cigarettes out of his backpack and headed out to Harry’s garden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bypassed Harry and Gemma’s concerned looks in the kitchen and went right by them and headed out into the back garden. He was three deep when Harry finally came out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said harshly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished three more before Harry took the pack from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re chaining them” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least I’m not on fucking drugs” Louis said, snatchign the carton back from Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna talk?” Harry asked calmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had tried a few things, wrote some of his first album on mushrooms but he didn’t need them to make him happy. It seemed like Fizzy thought she needed it and that’s what was scary. He hadn’t used anything other than an occasional joint since he wrote his album and he knew Louis didn’t do anything other than weed so he was curious as to how FIzzy escalated to cocaine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew his voice was tight and thin and he didn’t know he was gonna start yelling again or if he was going to cry. But losing it on Fizzy wasn’t going to help anything and Harry didn’t deserve the brunt of everything he was feeling right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m here if you need me” Harry said. He sat quietly next to Louis, drinking his coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat there quietly for a little with all of his thoughts before he realized he probably at least should talk to Harry or leave.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for all the yelling, it’s too fucking early for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, it was bound to happen. Surprised you stayed as calm as you did, really.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I tried because it’s all still in her system so anything we talk about now she may not even remember. I just, she’s fucking seventeen H, like sure we were drinking but that was it. She’s at clubs and doing drugs. Like what the fuck?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s different then when we were her age, I mean you were still at home and in school and seventeen and I feel like kids are just older than we were at their age.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck do I stop this. Everything I read said that she has to be the one to stop using, I can’t force it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Louis. I mean it makes sense, if she doesn't want to get clean she won’t.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It can fucking kill her” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seventeen year olds think they are invincible, what did she say when you told her that?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing about it, just said that it makes her feel better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you gonna do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t fucking know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna tell me dad, maybe not me grandparents right away, but I can’t do this meself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s smart to tell him, the more people that can help her the better” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like do I take her to some drug rehab place or what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She tell you how often she uses? That might help you better with what to do” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly. I’m hoping once more of it wears off she’ll be better able to talk to me. I know now, there’s no point in her lying about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry she felt like that was the way to go” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe if I’d pushed harder on what happened when I thought she was off when she came home. I don’t fucking know” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis this isn’t on you, it’s not your fault.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like it” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You both will figure it out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll get out of your way, we should probably head home.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can stay if you think you need some mediators.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I can handle her” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re always welcome” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even when I forget to answer your texts?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always” Harry said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, giving him a hug </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry hugged him back tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’ll call her therapist today and and inform her and then see if I can take her in today or tomorrow.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that’s probably a good start.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry went back inside and saw Gemma making Fizzy breakfast and Fizzy at the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Harry, I wanted to thank you and apologize for everything last night. And I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always Fizzy, you know that. Just let people help you, I know you’re hurting but this is hurting you too. Please let your brother help you, or let someone help you. We all just want to keep you safe.” Harry said hugging her tightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’sorry Lou.” Fizzy said “I talked to Gemma, um I think that maybe now you know I promise not to lie to you anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a good start, thank you.” Louis said </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gemma made them stay for breakfast and then Louis and Fizzy headed back to Louis’ house. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm back! </p><p>I had this idea in my head but as I was writing it, I was struggling more than I had expected to. It's a ver sensitive topic, one he or his family haven't discussed much so I was nervous to write about it. In no way is it meant to be disrespectful or anything. I've never dealt with it personally, but family friends of mine have, and there is a way out, and if you're struggling, please allow yourself to get help. </p><p>I struggled a bit with writers block for this chapter and the next few, but I promise to do better with the next few chapters. Please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis had been back in London for a few weeks, he was starting to promote his single with Bebe. So far he’d been able to take Fizzy to her appointments without anyone finding out which he was very grateful for. He was going on Grimshaw’s show this morning and it felt weird to be doing this promo on his own. He knew Bebe’s schedule wasn’t working with his right now so he said he’d handle the London promo, but he was excited to see her again. He and Grimmy had long since made up and were friends now. Louis realized he was more jealous of Nick than anything even though nothing happened between him and Harry, or at least nothing happened prior to them dating and breaking up. Louis knew it wasn’t his business if Harry had anything more than a friendship with him after they broke up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Louis how are you?” Nick said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Grimmy” Louis said hugging him back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fresh Yorkshire at your mic lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone’s trying to stay on me good side” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normally his team would be in the room with him but Louis trusted Nick which was saying a lot these days and so they let them do the interview together. Louis just asked that they stick to the music and that was it. There was a lot in his private life he wasn’t in the mood to discuss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went live on air and started the interview. They discussed the single first and the process behind it, he detailed how he filmed the music video in Donny and then he played the trumpet. Nick said that he had some fan questions for him, they always slightly worried Louis but he trusted Grimmy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, throwing it back to your 1D writing days, you ready?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said, wondering where this was going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now you lads are all grown up, the music you’re all making is a bit more mature, and while your fifth album was definitely more mature, following the trend of each album, it seems that your fans think they have decoded some things in your songs that went over their heads a few years back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have they? Louis asked. He knew the fans could turn a yawn or a cough into a whole conspiracy theory and while he was intrigued he was nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better Than Words, it seems like a song about nothing but you lot have said that it was a bit deeper than that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, Liam I think came up with the idea for it and then we sorta just went with it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So not just shouting out random words?” Grimmy asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. Better Than Words, sorta like all these songs have been written but us together, or how you feel about someone, those words that have already been written don’t mean anything. Like this is so great I can’t think of anything else to say.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very deep” Grimmy said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess it is” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now the next one I had a lot of comments about is very much a fan favorite. Seems like you boys all liked it but it was never made into a single.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Alright go on” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Control” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah” Louis said, nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It seems to have a more steamy undertone to it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it?” Louis asked, raising his eyebrows </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You tell me, you wrote it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see why you, or the fans” Louis said like it was obvious “Could think that, however it’s actually very innocent.” Louis said teasing. And alright maybe the premise was waking up next to the person you love and doing more than just a morning cuddle and maybe it was written with Harry in mind but no one needs to know that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what is so innocent about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought for a second, wondering how to spin in when it came to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a bit embarrassing, really.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Care to share?” Grimmy asked laughing, knowing that Louis was trying to think of something else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me cereal cupboard” Louis said, trying not to start laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The look on Grimmy’s face was priceless because he obviously knew the song was about Harry and here Louis was telling everyone it was about cereal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cereal? Like breakfast cereal?” Nick asked, trying not to laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, more specifically Cocoa Pops. Love them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what...So how did this come about?” Nick asked, barely able to get the words out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Louis take a sip of water and try and steady himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I love cereal, love a lot of cereals, but Cocoa Pops are me favorite, you know. And one morning I woke up proper hungry and the lads were laughing at me because I missed me cereal cupboard on tour and I think we were out of Cocoa Pops on the bus and it just wrote itself really” Louis said, honestly proud of himself for getting the words out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is quite a song.” Nick said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There you have it everyone, you can all get your minds out of the gutters, it’s about breakfast cereal. It is the most important meal of the day and the only meal that occurs during this show, so I for one am a big fan of it. Big thanks to Louis for being here today and showcasing his trumpet skills with us, anything else to add Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for having me, have a great day everyone” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Check out his new single with Bebe Rexha, and I will see all of you tomorrow.” Nick said, signing off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the fuck you pull that out of your arse so quickly?” Nick asked, once he knew the mics went dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know what you mean mate” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you don’t” Nick said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We still on for lunch?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, need to hear all about this new solo life.” Nick said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went somewhere quiet where they wouldn’t get spotted and had a nice lunch together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing, honestly?” Nick asked once they were seated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Nick had become more friendly once he and Harry started dating, Louis wasn’t jealous of him anymore and he knew Nick wasn’t actually the bad guy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I guess. Still hard without me mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are all your siblings doing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, they all have their days, lot changed in the last year. Fizz is having the hardest time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to hear that. She’s living with you right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, thought it would have been good for her, but now I don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Saw her out about a month ago, I texted you but you hadn’t answered.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was in LA with Freddie, but yea she’s under house arrest now” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Actual house arrest now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No my own. She um, she’s used drugs apparently and that was a very long flight back from LA.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh shit Louis, I’m sorry to hear that” Nick said sincerely </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got a phone call from some so called friends. Being a plane ride away wasn’t very helpful. Harry and Gemma actually went and got her for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, how’s she doing now?” Nick asked, genuine concern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re um, we’re working on it. You know that you can’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t.” Nick said seriously again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you see her out again, just let me know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, don’t go out too much anymore but of course.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you or her need anything, just ask” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how’s the little lad? Terrorizing all of America yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Close to it” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s great. He’s walking now so gives me a fucking heart attack every time he falls. But he’s great. Wish I could spend more time with him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s the co-parenting going?” Nick asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some days better than others” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure that’s not easy” Nick said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but we’ve chatted recently about needing to make sure Freddie comes first and all, put our issues aside. And I think things are marginally better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good then” Nick said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis phone went off and he figured he should at least check it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha it’s Niall” Louis said laughing as he read it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’d he say?” Nick asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t know Coca Pops were another name for Harry’s dick” Louis read off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nick started laughing and Louis joined in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Had you planned that or just on the spot?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On the spot, could tell you knew I was stalling but yea, pulled it out right there. Everyone knows I love me cereal cupboard.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very cleaver” Nick said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t exactly say that it was about Harry, now could I?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was wondering how you were gonna spin it. I was ready to cut to commercial though if you started drowning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea cheers” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are things between you two?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now I know your finishing for a story for the morning” Louis said, finishing his tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not I promise. I went to one of his shows, he just mentioned missing you. That he’d seen you a lot recently.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, were friends again, which is nice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Nick said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Nick finished up lunch and Louis headed home to pick Fizzy up and take her to her appointment. He hated going, but he’d do anything for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz I’m home” He called walking in </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you never wrote a song about your favorite sister, but you wrote one about cereal?” FIzzy teased </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, like it better than you” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice cover” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I take pride in my ability to bullshit my way through anything” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course you do” She said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ready to go?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um about that, I don’t wanna” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why is that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like talking about it” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You can’t keep it all in Fizzy, you can’t lie to me either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you come in with me, instead of just taking me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I can do that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was shocked at her change, how she could go from joking with him to freaking out about therapy. But he’d go with her just to make sure she went. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let’s go” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were waiting for Fizzy’s team to come in and she was fidgety and nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy, relax, love.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought about it, all I wanted to do was use. I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you?” Louis asked, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” She said quietly, shaking her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, that’s so good Fizz.” Louis said, basically like he was talking to Cliff and not a person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” She said crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor walked in then as Louis held her while she cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, Fizzy, good afternoon. Do you need a moment?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m okay” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis passed her the tissue box and he brushed her hair out of her face, like their mum used to do for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you wanna talk about why you were crying or is there somewhere else you would like to start?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to use, I want to so badly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took her hand in his and held on tight. His heart was breaking with every word coming out but he needed to be the strong one now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is that, what do you think it will help?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes me feel better, or feel nothing at all and both are better options than what I feel.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you feel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy looked at Louis and saw that his face was soft, laced with worry and she saw him blink away the tears in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, bad. I guess. Just sad, so sad like I don’t know how to not feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we wanted to wait for the rest of the drugs to work their way out of your body, but it’s been long enough now that if you’d like and Louis agrees I think we should start on a low level depression medication. It takes awhile to work Fizzy, we’re talking ten to twelve weeks, it’s not an instant fix. We’re going to need you to be patient. But hopefully it will help balance out the chemicals in your brain to help you start to feel better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Fizzy said quietly “What do you think?” She asked Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think that if it’s going to help you then you should try it. But it’s not going to fix everything instantly. You have to keep coming here and talking to me, and you can’t use with it Fizz, please. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, we can get you started on it. We’ll try one, and if you have any adverse reactions there are others we can try. But Louis’ right, you still need to keep putting the work in here and talking to your brother.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I can do that.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been making progress Fizzy, I know it doesn't feel that way. But you told Louis you wanted to use, that’s a good first step. I told you in the beginning that this wouldn’t be an overnight change, but you keep showing up and it seems like you’re opening up to your brother more. That’s all goodwork Fizzy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proud of you” Louis said, kissing her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had been back with Fizzy for a few weeks and so far she had been doing better. She was being honest with Louis and that was all he could ask for. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to chat about the next few weeks.” Louis said, muting the telly that Fizzy was watching </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m watching that” She said, rolling her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea and now you’re gonna take a break” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to go over schedules, I’m leaving the end of the week.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’m guessing you won’t let me stay here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not a fucking chance” Louis said firmly “You’re more than welcome to come with me.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can hang out at the wedding in Mexico and then go see Freddie. Change of place might do you good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to be seen as just hanging onto your career, I’m trying to have my own.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re working on your own career, and I fully support it, but time away might do you some good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I”m fairly certain LA has drugs too” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bloody hell, Fizzy. That’s not… that’s not why I want you to come.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You attract a lot of attention and I don’t want to deal with that. I’m sorry, and I know it’s not your fault. But I’m not up for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand that, I know the lack of privacy sucks, but Fizz you’ve been doing well. You have to know I’m still worried though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna go stay with dad and then Nan and Granddad for a bit. See both twins, I’m better now, I can handle that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. It might do you some good to go back to Donny. But no lying and no sneaking out. Maybe I’ll enroll you in nursery school with the baby twins.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny” Fizzy deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, go take a holiday from me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not taking a holiday from you”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was joking Lou, lighten up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well the last time I was in LA you had a tad too much fun so sorry if I’m concerned” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be alright, go have fun at the wedding.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We both better go pack then” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis had performed a few times with Bebe for their new single and Louis and Eleanor had now just gotten to Mexico for a wedding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t wait to just lay on the beach all day” Eleanor said as they unpacked in their room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, nice to relax for a few days” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hand me your suit, I’ll hand it with my dress” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis handed her the garment bag and she hung both up. Louis usually just left everything in his bag so he figured they were done unpacking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ended up at the beach for the whole day, just relaxing and since it was a private wedding, there weren’t any paparazzi to hound them and ruin it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a cocktail party tonight right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, think it started around seven. I’m glad we decided to stay an extra few days after the wedding.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, it’s getting late and we both have probably had enough sun for the day, I’m going to head up and get showered and ready.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll come” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though him and Eleanor are just friends, it was easier to just share the room, sometimes they would get two beds, sometimes just one. Louis was just glad she was one of his best friends, it made having to travel with her much easier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both showered and dressed, Louis put on nice trousers and a linen dress shirt and Elenaor had on a dark orange dress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look pretty” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, you think it’s alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look great El” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew that years of being criticized for everything, she was always a little nervous when it came to bigger events. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready to head down?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s do it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They mingled with the other guests that they knew, they were talking to a group of people when someone accidentally backed into Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” As soon as Louis heard the voice, he knew it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Har….” Louis said, before he was cut off by Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, hi” Harry said quickly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, Hi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Eleanor” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged both of them and kissed Eleanor on the cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello Harry” Eleanor said happily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hadn’t seen Harry since he had picked Fizzy up from Harry’s after he got her from the club. Last time Louis had seen him was not good, not necessarily between them, but Harry got an inside look into everything else Louis was dealing with. Feelings aside, they were just at very different points in their life and the more Louis wanted to be back with Harry, because life had taught him it was very short and could be very unfair. But the more he wanted to be with Harry, the more he wanted and needed Harry back in his life, it seemed like everything was against them. He missed Harry as his best friend and as his boyfriend and now it seemed not only was everything with Fizzy adding to the reasons Louis couldn’t act on his feelings, there was also a tall blonde with a French accent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, El, this is Camille, Camille, Louis and Eleanor.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They said their pleasantries and Louis could feel Eleanor and Harry’s eyes boring into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H, why didn’t you tell me your old bandmate would be here?” Camille asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I didn’t know he’d be here” Harry said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, nice surprise” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They chatted a bit more and had some drinks. Louis realized his was empty and Eleanor was close to empty. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m going to go for a refill, anyone else?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleanor nodded and before Harry could answer, Camille said she would like one to. Louis knew this was the model they had discussed before, and Louis knew he shouldn’t be jealous, but he was. He came back with all of their drinks, but then it was time to sit and eat and of course they all ended up at the same table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any funny stories you can tell me about H?” she asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He falls a lot, quite clumsy” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Harry deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good lad” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They talked some more and ate their dinner, Louis was starting to get tired of watching her draped around Harry, he knew it was wrong and immature, but being at a wedding and having Harry at the wedding, well that wasn’t what his brain or his heart needed right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me, I’m going to go up to our room bit and kip. I’m feeling a bit poorly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong Lou?” Elenaor asked, concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, just don’t feel well.” Louis shrugged</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s get you upstairs then.” El said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No stay, have fun. I’ll be fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do know you aren’t supposed to drink the water here.” Camille said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’ve been to Mexico before” Louis said, trying to not roll his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably just dehydrated from being on the beach all day. Can I get you anything?” Eleanor asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright. Just going to go up and lie down.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll see you all later” Louis said, he kissed Eleanor on the cheek. And before he could walk away he felt Harry grab his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea, fine” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went up and got out of his nice clothes and just laid on the bed in his pants and socks. He felt a bit like he would throw up, his stomach was sour and he had a headache, both of which could be caused by too much sun or apparently seeing Harry with someone else. He knew this jealousy wasn’t a good look on him but he didn’t really care. He downed some water and had a few crisps, and got a cold flannel for his head. He got back in bed and figured He facetimed Lottie, even though he knew it was probably too late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I did wake you didn’t I?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did but it’s fine. Everything alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just needed a break from the party.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on? You seem weird” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Harry’s here” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow, did you know he was going?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No that probably would have suggested I’ve talked to him since he picked Fizz up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you only talk to him when one of you is going through some shit?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s complicated” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been fucking complicated since you two admitted you had feelings for each other years ago. You always got through that. So what did you get butterflies in your tummy or something when you saw him? Got too nervous to eat your dinner?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lots…” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously Louis, either fucking get on with it and do something about it or move the fuck on.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re not helping.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am though. You and Harry have seen each other through losing parents, not to mention all the other shit from before. So if you don’t think you two can get through the next few years of needing to keep quiet or you having a son or Fizzy’s issues then it won’t work long term and you should move on for that reason. Or move on because you don’t want to be with him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was with someone” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And how do you feel about that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like shit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So it is the butterflies in your tummy that sent you up to your room?” Lottie smirked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly, did have a bit too much sun today. Just was everything. I didn’t call you for a lecture.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then drink some water.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She even had the balls to tell me that I shouldn’t drink the water. Like I haven’t been to fucking Mexico before.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see her laughing at him. And he instantly regretted calling her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off Lotts” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, come on. I said what I said. Either do something about it or stop fussing about it. You wanna know what mummy would say?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sure” Louis said, still grumbling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling. Go after what your heart wants and if it’s right it will all work out.” Lottie said, trying her best to sound like Jay </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess she would. Fuck sometimes I wish I could still talk to her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I feel the same way. But we’ve got each other. But Louis, you can’t just keep waiting out your contract. You can come live with me in my flat if it all goes to shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not helping Lottie” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take Freddie and your contract and both of your grief out of it all. Just you and Harry, what would you do?” Lottie asked seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be with Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you have your answer” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to hurt him again, I don’t want to get hurt again. We’ve both had enough pain.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then don’t hurt him” Lottie said simply </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lotts…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you what I think, it’s up to you now, Louis”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It could all go to shit again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or you could live happily ever after” Lottie retorted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave her a small smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, this self pity shit isn’t you. Just fucking do something. Either tell him how you feel or let both of you move on. This isn’t good for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get that I don’t fully understand it. But don’t forget I saw you two together and then fall apart and then have some weird mix of friends and friends with benefits that I would love to never have to think about again, but seriously Louis, you can’t keep it this way. You both deserve better than that, and you of all people deserve to be happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis conceded. He could see she was about to fall asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis if he still didn’t mean the world to you, you wouldn’t be this caught up about it. That should tell you something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, he knew she was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to sleep Lotts, sorry I woke you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S’alright. Feel better?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too” Louis said. He hung up and laid in bed, phone on his chest. He texted Briana to see if Freddie could talk. He talked to Freddie for about as long as Freddie would tolerate. He saw Elenor come in while he was hanging up with Brian. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” Eleanor asked, putting her hand on his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better, yea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” She said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She did notice that a few of the water bottles were now finished on the nightstand. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You wanna tell me what had you feeling so poorly?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too much sun I guess” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, what’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know El, nothing different than it was years ago.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know we’re just friends right? Like you’re free to date someone else.” Eleanor said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then don’t let anything or anyone stop you from what you want. In your personal life, with your music. You’ve earned the right to do what you want, Lou. You know Oli and I will always cover for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told him we couldn’t do anything now, and that nothing could happen until the contract was up in 2020 and I told him not to wait, and I told him that I couldn’t make him lie all over again. And now he’s dating some model.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Eleanor said gently, sitting next to him. “They aren’t dating at least not properly, maybe hooking up the way she was all over him but Harrys’ single. He told me as much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis glanced up at El to see if she was messing with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be selfish for once Lou. It’s different now, even if you and H got caught, public opinion for the most part would protect you. Human decency would protect you. I know you still love him, don’t even try to lie to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re awfully invested in my relationship with the person I broke up with you for.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I love you both” Eleanor said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave her a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As family you dickhead” She said laughing and threw a pillow at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew it was true, they both were luckily friends with El before everything started and while sometimes Harry could be jealous of her, they were all close. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s getting late, we should get some sleep.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it helps, Harry kept wanting me to go check on you, was worried that you were feeling poorly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly the person I want to see right now” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t avoid him forever” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that, just for tonight.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” She said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Els” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Night Lou” She said, gathering her things and going to change in the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Eleanor were dancing, they’d been having fun at the wedding and it was easy to just hang out with Eleanor. They were at the table with Harry and Camille again and it was much better, Elenor kept asking her about modeling things and she seemed to enjoy talking about it. Louis felt Harry’s eyes boring into him. He had pulled him aside pretty early in the day to see if he was feeling better. Louis had told him he was, just needed some more sleep and water and that things were much better. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went to refill their drinks when Camille came over to them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was lovely to meet you both, I have to go now. I have a shoot in the afternoon in Paris tomorrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kissed her cheek and hugged her goodbye and then El did the same. He caught the look El was giving him. Camille left and Elenaor said she was going to go to the toilet and she’d be back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Harry were sitting at their table, away from the noise and crowd. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling alright?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good yea, just was a bit dehydrated yesterday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How have you been?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, feels good being back on tour.” Harry said, somewhat awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, seems like you’re having fun up there.” Louis said, not realizing what he let slip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Harry smirk and Louis cringed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was tagged in it, didn’t go bloody searching for it.” Louis grumbled</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” harry said, trying not to smile “How’s um, how’s Fizzy been?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s been better. Some days she’s far moodier than others, but they said that can happen while she processes everything. She went to stay with dad and me grandparents, wasn’t going to leave her alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad she’s doing better.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I’m not sure I thanked you for that night and getting her from that club.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told you, no need to thank me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, yea” “So Camille seems nice” Louis said changing topics</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea she’s a friend.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What kind of friend?” Louis asked teasing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wondering, she seemed like a second shirt last night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Lou, what are you trying to do? Hurt both of us?” Harry said getting up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry, wait.” Louis said, trying to follow him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Louis? You keep coming back and then pushing me away at arms length, I can’t. I can’t keep doing this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry wait…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Louis, you said I needed to wait and do my own thing and then you throw it in my face. You can’t have it both ways Louis.” Harry said, he was frustrated and sad and he didn’t know why Louis still had this effect on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk? Properly?” Louis asked quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why now Louis? What’s going to change. I get you have a lot going on, but this in and out of my life, I can’t keep doing it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, meet me for coffee tomorrow?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now you must be joking, you don’t get up early, especially on holiday.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously H, this isn’t the place to talk. But please meet me tomorrow morning?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A group of people came around them and anything that was left to say was going to have to wait.  </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>May or may not have been very proud of myself about the cereal scene. </p><p> </p><p>Next chapter will be an extra few days, I decided I wanted to change part of it, I wasn't fully happy with it. But it should be up by the end of the week! Please don't forget to comment and let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Peep the Friends reference.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis knew he needed to tell harry how he felt, Lottie was right, he couldn’t keep asking Harry to be in his life and then pushing him away, it was obviously hurting Harry and he figured since that’s what he was trying to prevent that if Harry were to get hurt either way, then at least Louis should get to be with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wedding was winding down and he snuck another piece of cake for him, Eleanor and Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought we could all go for another” Louis said plopping them onto the table </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was so good” Eleanor said taking another bite </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thief” Harry said, the tension between them had dissipated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They were left on a table by themselves, thought they were lonely” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you needed to fix it?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t be lonely in me belly” Louis said, taking a forkful of cake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They finished up their cake and the wedding was essentially over. Some headed to the bar but Eleanor and Louis decided to go up to their room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you tomorrow” Louis whispered to Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and El walked quietly back to their room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that about?” She asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, undoing what I shouldn’t have done in 2014.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m finally doing what I want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good for you, love” Eleanor said smiling wide. “Can you please unzip me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and spun her around and unzipped her dress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember when that would lead to sex?” Louis asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Been a long time for that” Eleanor said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had tried a few months back, he was lonely and she was there and he asked her and she laughed in his face, it was more than deserved he figured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He changed into boxers and brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just talk from your heart, Lou. It’ll be fine” She said sliding into bed and rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and pulled the blankets up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis tossed and turned all through the night and finally around five he was wide awake and antsy. Louis noticed it was still fully dark out, but he texted Harry to see if he was awake yet. He hadn’t answered yet but Louis got up for a wee and put on some shorts and a hoodie and stuffed his feet into his vans and grabbed his phone and wallet. He went down to the coffee shop at the end of the street and got them each a coffee. The barista had no idea who he was and he only passed one other person in his short walk. He went up to Harry’s room and knocked on the door, he checked his phone and saw that Harry had answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not usually up at this hour unless you’re just going to bed.” Harry said opening the door. Louis saw that he must have just pulled on a pair of boxers. They were low on his hips, his hair was sticking up all over and he was rubbing his eyes. He took the coffee Louis from Louis and took a long sip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well here I am” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you want to talk about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna go for a walk? The beach is private and empty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure” Harry said. He was only in pants and figured he should put clothes on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in, just give me a few” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and sat on the bed, sipping his coffee. He wanted tea but they didn’t have any so he had to settle for coffee. Harry had gone into the ensuite and and came out a few minutes later, ready to go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Beach?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was still dark out, but they walked down to the beach and walked along the water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, can we talk?” Louis asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, you said you wanted to talk.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked a bit in silence, just sipping their coffees when Louis stopped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna sit?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and they sat in the sand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat down and Harry followed, sitting in the cool sand. The sun was just starting to rise over the ocean and it was quite beautiful. Louis looked around and they still seemed fully alone and he relaxed a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry that I keep pushing you away” Louis blurted out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You probably have your reasons” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None of them are good” Louis said, trying to joke around </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why do you keep doing it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew he couldn’t push Louis into an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you H, proper miss you. And being with you and being scared to tell you how I feel sucks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped liking you or wanting to be your boyfriend and I still think that breaking up was the right thing to do at the time, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. Maybe at the time it was the right thing, I thought it was the noble thing. But me mum fucking died at 43, she said that Dan was the love of her life and she only got a handful of years with him. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want to wake up one day all gray and old and wish that I was still with you. I want to wake up next to you all gray and old.” Louis said, still fumbling with his coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw Harry let out a small smile when he said he wanted to wake up next to Harry when they are old and gray. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It felt like you were breaking my heart all over again every time you’d let me in and then just push me away. I didn’t know what you were getting at. I know you’re scared and that you can’t do whatever you want and I know I said I’d wait for you to figure it all out and I will Lou, but pulling me in and pushing me away and making snide comments about any relationship I don’t actually have. It’s too much and it messes with my head. Sometimes you act like we are a couple, or you want us to be a couple and other times you just ignore me. ” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis surged forward and kissed Harry. One hand tangling in Harry’s hair and the other on his side. He felt Harry kiss him back immediately, Harry was cupping his cheek and fished his other hand up the back of Louis’ hoodie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They pulled apart breathless and flushed. Louis knew that this is what he wanted, what he needed. He could survive without Harry as his boyfriend but he didn’t want to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis left his forehead against Harry’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s a lot to ask because of having to be kept a secret, and Freddie and Fizzy, and because of our own jobs but…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shut Louis up by kissing him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing’s ever perfect Lou, but I miss you, I miss being with you. It doesn't matter if we’re playing footie in the garden or watching a movie or holding each other through some of the worst pain we’ve gone through. It’s always been you.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll always be you” Louis said kissing Harry again</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll always be you too” Harry said, kissing him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Together this time? Not one of us trying to protect the other?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Together. We get through everything together. It’s what we’ve been doing for the better part of this year.” Harry said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you” Louis said, taking Harry’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too, Lou” Harry said, squeezing his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laid down in the sand and watched the sunrise. Harry laid on Louis’ shoulder and Louis wrapped his arms around Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never meant to lead you on that way, I was just confused and I didn’t want to hurt you, but it hurt me to see you with someone else. So I’m sorry, H.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. And I wouldn’t trade those moments with you for anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie told me if it all goes to shit and they find me in breach on contract, I can live with her when I go on the dole.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry laughed and kissed Louis’ cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could live with me too. Won’t let you be redundant forever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sugar daddy, could spend all my time playing footie and Fifa, going to see Fred. I’ll tweet it out now.”  Louis said, laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry laughed and buried his face in Louis’ neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty that” Louis said, pointing out over the ocean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Prettier with you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soppy much?” Louis asked, cuddling into Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laid there quietly for a little, they knew that there was a lot more they were going to have to talk about but, but this felt right and Louis was happy that he finally told Harry how he felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels right. This.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Louis said blushing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that we need to keep it quiet, but do we keep it from our families and the boys?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No not them, they can know.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we tell mum together? She’ll be very excited to stop listening to me go on about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you?” Louis asked giggling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might have.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay up late with a flower, he loves me, he loves me not? Honestly H, you watch far too many rom coms.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing like that you twat.” Harry said laughing. He took his phone out of his pocket and flipped the camera around and took a picture of his kissing Louis’ cheek, sunrise in the background. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stole the phone from Harry and kissed Harry on the lips, taking another picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Send her both” Louis said, kissing Harry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My mom doesn’t need to know I kiss boys” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Plural? Who else you kissing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one, why you jealous?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Possibly” Louis said smirking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess that’s a conversation that will need to happen?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is?” Louis said, laying his head on Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who we slept with in between then and now. Safe sex and all that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh God” Louis said cringing and poking Harry’s side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious Lou.” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna do this now? Won’t take me long” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now is a good a time as any.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright then” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, what do you want to know. People I’ve been rumored with or just actually had a relationship with?” Louis asked, somewhat joking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you feel comfortable with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright you go.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and cuddled into Harry. “Well I held hands with Tamra at Glasto that one time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou we hooked up after that” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright so start after that” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Harry said, somewhat awkwardly. He regretted bringing this up but a selfish part of him wanted to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was Briana but that was before we had started hooking up.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had broken up towards the end of 2014, but they started hooking up after Louis found out he was going to be a dad and they continued to sleep together till about the beginning of November. They both had started to catch feelings again, or maybe they never disappeared and rather just resurfaced but it was something they decided together wasn’t a good thing to go back to. Shortly after Louis started dating Danielle and Harry started seeing Kendall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um there was really only Dani then, in terms of sleeping with. I asked El one time a few months back and she laughed and then made us ice cream sundaes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s cute” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just Dani then. You?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was Kendall and then Xander and Camille in terms of sleeping with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorta jealous but I have no right to be.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing with Kendall or Xander ever happened until we stopped hooking up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I believe you H. It was your life, it’s alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at us communicating, and talking and benign responsible.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You feel better now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“So Camille’s new though right? Like within the last few months?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but we just hooked up a few times. It was right before I went on tour. We were friends at that point and I don’t know. Felt right I guess, but…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right” Louis said nodding. “Is it bad if I tell you I’m slightly jealous.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Harry said laughing “Could tell you weren’t very fond of her” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a problem right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. I’m just being a dick about it. I told you to go live your life. Can’t get mad at you for that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But now, I only want to be with you.” Harry said kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H... H stop” Louis said laughing as Harry bit his lower lip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m out of practice should we say. When it comes to being with a man.” Louis said, turning red. He slapped a hand over his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at me” Harry said, gently taking Louis’ hand away from his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine love. I know it was always something you struggled with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not scared of it, just. I almost got a blow job in some club bathroom when Steve walked in, glad he came in when he did now though.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause it wasn’t me?” Harry asked smugly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Becuase it was in a fucking club toliet and I’m too old for that shit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair enough” Harry said laughing. “Could give you one on some fancy hotel bed” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s take it a bit slower than that, love. Stil as cheeky as ever H” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Somethings never change” Harry said, kissing Louis’ neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm not here” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could take this up to my room.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we take it a bit slow though?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything for you, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Better head up though, it’s getting to be light out” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun had mostly risin and they knew there was a bigger chance of them getting caught. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood up and brushed the sand off of themselves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Louis said, tugging on Harry’s arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looped his arms around Harry’s waist and kissed him. Harry held him just as tight as kissed back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you” Harry mumbled against Louis’ lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too” Louis said, hugging him tightly stil. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stood there, looking out over the ocean and Louis knew he made the right choice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Haz, always have. Always will” Louis said kissing him lightly and resting his head on Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Harry said, voice shakey. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm” Louis said looking up to Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too. Never stopped loving you” Harry said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could see the tears forming in Harry’s eyes and he hugged him tighter, and kissed him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me and you” Louis whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always me and you” Harry said, hugging him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Harry asked, taking Louis’ hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With Freddie and being a dad and needing to look out for me sisters and brother. But mostly Fred.” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis knew it was one thing for Harry to be comfortable with Freddie while visiting with him for a few hours, but a relationship with Louis, with Harry being more present in Louis life which extends to Freddie’s life, well Louis needs to know that Harry knows that they are a package deal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That Freddie and I are a package deal, that first now I’m a dad.” Louis said looking down “Even if it is fucking part time. But still a dad with a little lad that will have to come first.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry put on the goofiest grin, and met Louis’ eyes. “The only reason I wanted to date you again was so I could make as many block castles with Freddie.” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You twat” Louis said, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I know Freddie comes first, I know he means everything to you Lou. I want to be apart of his life as much as you’ll let me. I know having to keep it quiet for now may complicate things, but I know you’re a package deal, I wouldn’t want it any other way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” Louis asked “He’s not always fun and blocks and running around with Cliff. He’s a year and a half now, got a proper little personality, and attitude if I’m honest with myself.” Louis said laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect, just like his dad.” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just fondly rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if he’s more stroppy and mashed bananas all over the place, that’s okay too.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes he’s more that, yea” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it also doesn’t hurt how sexy you look when you’re being a dad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said, laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Serious Lou” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That a turn on for you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You being all cute and sweet and overly exaggerated? Yea it is” Harry said laughing and kissing Louis again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh stop” Louis said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always thought you looked ever sexier when you were interacting with fans, or our crew’s kids. Always liked that you liked kids as much as me and wanted a whole mess of them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s still true. Want to have siblings for Freddie.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do too” harry said, much more seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just looked at Harry, surprised he was bringing this up so soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have to be the one to tell you that DNA and blood doesn't make a family Lou. It doesn't matter to me that Freddie isn’t related to me, I’d always love him as my own. He’s amazing, just like you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just needed to make sure that you knew he’s part of the deal too. Probably Fizz too until I can trust her again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s understandable. But I love them both, and them both needing you doesn’t bother me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded, he didn’t have any words, but none were needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They walked back up to Harry’s room quietly and were thankful that they were able to get back into the room unnoticed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I order breakfast?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um sure” Louis said, nervous all of a sudden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just still can’t believe it I guess” Louis said, moving over to Harry and kissing him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked, dropping the menu and hugging Louis, kissing him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just missed you” Louis said, feeling the overwhelming relief that it all worked out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you too, Lou. You telling me back in March that we couldn’t be anything more than friends practically broke my heart again. You were all over the place and one second it seemed like you wanted to get back together, and the next we were just friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought that not being together was better for both of us, better for you.” Louis said sitting down on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Harry asked, sitting next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you had all these things coming up and you were able to be who you wanted. And I still felt stuck in everything. Like maybe we didn’t know each other” Louis said shrugging. “You had all these plans and I was still stuck in the band. But then spending all that time with you again, nothing changed and that scared me even more. And I was scared that you had grown out of us, out of me.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took Louis' hand and squeezed his knee with his other. He knew Louis needed to get this off his chest. That he usually acted and then thought and if he needed a few minutes to process, Harry could help him do that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never Lou. You’re all I ever wanted. It was so hard spending all that time with you and not being able to cuddle and kiss you like I wanted to. And I know we crossed that line a few times, well sorta. But I felt the same way, but I figured that if you only wanted to be friends then I guess I could try to be alright with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just didn’t want to hold you back.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey” Harry said, cupping Louis’ face in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never held me back Lou, you never could. You always encouraged me and supported me, even when I didn’t know it. I’m alright with keeping it a secret, I know it might not always be easy, but we’re in this together now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put his hand on Harry’s and squeezed, he had been nervous it was all going to go to shit, but it had been over an hour and they were still together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess seeing you with your lovely French model gave me the kick in the arse I needed to show what would happen if I didn’t grow a pair and admit what we both wanted me to admit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t lie, it was a good feeling knowing you were jealous of her. That you still cared about me in that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just let out a small laugh and rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve wanted you back since the day we broke up. But now I can see it was better that we did, but we’re back together and that’s all that matters.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still scared of us getting hurt” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am too” Harry said, more seriously </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But it’s worth the risk, innit? Us being back together?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it is” Harry said, kissing Louis on the lips again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly didn’t know if this day would ever come” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me either, but I’m glad it did” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God I fucking love you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, so much” Harry said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were teary, and Louis felt a lot better after acknowledging how nervous he was that it would all go to shit. Harry understood his fear, and they survived that conversation and that was enough for now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides, we’re each other’s lobsters” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You absolute wanker” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s true though” Harry said still smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess it is” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry kissed Louis, deep and slow, slipping his tongue in and leaning Louis back so he was lying on the bed. Louis had one hand on Harry’s cheek and the other up the back of his jumper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They lazily made out for a bit, before pulling apart. Their cheeks were flushed, lips were red and they were out of breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we should stop there if you don’t want it to go any further.” Harry said, adjusting himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to say no, but we should.” Louis said, kissing him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled out from underneath Harry and Harry laid down next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad we’re back together” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we should order breakfast now” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and they looked over the menu and Harry called and ordered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their breakfast came and they ate it in bed, as close to each other as they could without sitting on top of each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember the first time we ordered room service and ate it in bed?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry smiled and nodded, “I was really homesick and really nervous. You told me that getting room service in bed would cheer me up. That since we were in a fancy hotel, we should have fancy food. That it would make me feel better. And you stayed with me the whole night, even after I cried to my mum on the phone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t even seventeen yet, love. I was just as homesick, but taking care of you made me feel better.” Louis said, smiling at the memory. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was the x-factor tour and that was the first night I realized that I liked you more than just a friend” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck that was such a long time for you to hide it.” Louis said, carding his hand through Harry’s hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you’d ever date a boy or I would have said something sooner.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I struggled with that” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s okay. There was a lot of pressure. And the people that mattered didn’t care that we loved each other. I know sometimes I didn’t always understand it, but it’s okay, Lou. I understand it better now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and cuddled into Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still do, I think” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay” Harry said, cuddling him back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I always thought if we got back together, it would have been all rom-comy and I don’t know more dramatic?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Telling me you still have feelings for me at sunrise on a beach in Mexico is pretty romantic Lou” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, I just. It’s special you know what I mean? We’ve been through a lot, and you deserve the best.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do too, love. And it was perfect because you said things I’ve wanted you to say for a while. I wanted to tell you how I actually felt about you wanting to just be friends the last few months, but I talked it over with Gems and she said that you made it clear that you just wanted to be friends, that I should respect that. And if it was meant to be, it would work out at some point.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for giving me the space I needed.” Louis said seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to go on a date tonight? I don’t know how we’ll do it without anyone noticing but Gemma’s apartment is a bit far.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to ask you out” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you asked me out the last time, now I get to ask you out.” Harry said, kissing his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always room service.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanted to take you to the fancy place down the street.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t need fancy Haz, you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know but I wanted to do something nice for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proper sweet, you are.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe if El goes with us, it’ll just look like I’m a third wheel if we get caught.” Harry offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly sure I wanted her part of our first date.” Louis said, alreadying fearing this was going to turn out like before </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright then, room service again?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess so” Louis shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can have a proper date back in London.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m actually going to LA for a bit. I’ll probably be there till October. I’m performing with Bebe”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, right. I’m in Europe most of it” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll make it work, Haz. I promise” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we will” Harry said, kissing him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>They pretty much only had one night together and they had enjoyed their room service date and were just sitting on the balcony in Harry’s room, watching the stars over the ocean, sipping their beer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry started giggling and Louis saw him blush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What H?” Louis asked, giving him a weird look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just happy Lou.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis smiled but looked down so Harry couldn’t see him blush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Today was perfect, spending time with you at the beach and dinner. It just felt so natural.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It did” Louis agreed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When are we gonna actually see each other again?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in America the end of September and most of October” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I can sneak in to one or two shows” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like that” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So maybe I searched for some of the clips online” Louis admitted, blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should tell you that it doesn't help my ego, but it does” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanted to make sure you were okay on your own” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very different, but I like it” Harry said, smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I snuck into see Dunkirk you know” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. Made Oli go with me. We went late at night, didn’t get caught. It was amazing” Louis “you were amazing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry blushed again, “Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Serious Haz, it was a whole other side of you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was kinda nerve wracking, but I enjoyed it. Wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you’d be great at it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, babe” Harry said, kissing Louis on the lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both grinned at Harry calling Louis babe again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be okay” Louis said, cuddling Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you promise me something?” Louis asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Harry said, sitting up to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you’ll be patient with me? One of the main reasons we stopped working was because we stopped communicating and I know I’m pretty fucking good at writing me feelings, I’m not always great at talking about them, so I just...Please be patient with me, I still get lost in me head sometimes.” Louis said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do that” Harry said seriously, staring into Louis’ eyes. Louis just nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. Harry enveloped him into a tight hug and he laid his head on Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s getting late, if we’re going to have breakfast in the morning, should probably go to bed.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just so you know I’m still the little spoon” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you are” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got ready for bed and both stipped down to their boxers, Harry figured that maybe he should leave it on. They got under the blankets and Harry curled up into Louis like no time had passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got used to having a whole bed to meself” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t act like you hate it” Harry said, lying his head on Louis’ chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just smiled and shook his head, part of him still didn’t believe that Harry and him were back in the same bed cuddling, but Harry was right. He didn’t hate it at all, not one bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Haz” Louis said, kissing Harry’s head and threading his fingers through his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night Lou” Harry said, kissing the underside of Louis’ jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was half asleep before he even got the words out of his mouth, but Louis felt like his brian wouldn’t shut off. He laid there and just traced over Harry’s tattoos with his fingers, watching Harry sleep. And alright, maybe he understood why Niall found their need to stare at each other creepy. He felt his eyes finally closing and slipped off to sleep, Harry still wrapped tightly around him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis woke up the next morning to find Harry lying next to him, staring at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just laughed since he’d done the same thing the night before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright love?” Louis asked yawning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never been better” Harry said, kissing Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmmm” Louis said, shutting his eyes again and cuddling into Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta wake up Lou” Harry said, kissing his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis grumbled</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry didn’t have any words to describe how Harry this made him. Louis lack of being a morning person used to piss him off, but he’d take having to drag him out of bed any day of the week to be able to wake up next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on love” Harry said cuddling him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’asleep” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, s’why I’m waking you up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his face smushed against Harry’s chest and Harry kissed the top of Louis’ head and started poking his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh stop” Louis said, trying to shove him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry kissed Louis on the lips now that he could reach Louis’ face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hadn't kissed you in a few hours” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s acceptable then” Louis said, more awake now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis let Harry kiss him before he pinched Harry’s nipples and grinned. Harry just gave him a what the fuck look and Louis started laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What you get for waking me up, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want to spend time with you before we have to leave” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s sweet.” Louis said smiling</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta get it all in before we leave” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna miss you. Gonna have to figure out when you can come see the little lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll figure it out. I know the next few months will be hard with me on tour, but I wanna see you and Freddie as much as I can.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll figure it all out. Don’t have to figure it all out today.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope” harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should probably take me out as dickhead or whatever other unflattering name you had me in on your phone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna freak the fuck out when I tell you it’s still boobear in my phone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s enough out of you Styles” Louis said poking his side </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What unflattering name am I under?” Harry asked. He knew he had been in Louis’ phone as Love, and he couldn’t imagine what Louis had drunkenly changed it to one night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just H.” Louis said, biting his nails. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just looked down and shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said seriously, lifting Louis chin to meet him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was biting his bottom lip and Harry could see he seemed more emotional all of a sudden. He turned so he was fully looking at Louis and draped Louis’ legs over his and took his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still remember the night I changed it from love to H in me phone. It was when I had gone home after I had broken up with you.” Louis said sniffling. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I understand why you changed it Lou, it’s okay” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head no. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Harry asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis blinked and Harry saw a few tears slip out. Louis made no move to brush them away so Harry gently thumbed them away and kissed Louis’ cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis squeezed Harry’s hand and looked up to the ceiling before taking a deep breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was a bit of a mess after that when Niall first drove me home…” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had been home for a day, he was trying to avoid all of his siblings because he couldn’t talk about anything without starting to cry. He spent the most time with the baby twins because they weren’t even a year old yet and really didn’t care if he was crying, they just cried over him. He had been quiet through dinner all night. Lottie and Fizzy tried talking to him, Dan had tried. But he doesn't want to talk to anyone. This is one of the few times he wasn’t the oldest of seven, he just wanted his mum to himself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He said he’d take care of the baby twins and bathe them and put them to bed and he was happy Jay didn’t push him on it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was sitting on the floor, the babies propped up and giving them their bedtime bottle when his mum walked in the room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“All my babies stopped crying” Jay said, leaning against the doorframe. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just gave her a small smile. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis you can’t just hide out with the babies because they don’t talk yet.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Their crying drowns out me own crying” Louis said simply </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh my darling” Jay said, coming over to sit next to Louis. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>She placed his mug of tea next to him and held hers in her hands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ernest finished his first and he burped him and then did the same for his sisters. He held both in his arms, rocking them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re gonna make an amazing dad one day, boobear.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Learned from the best mum.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you’re a bit older then them all, and especially not even really living together with these babies, I can’t tell you how much it warms my heart as your mum how close you are with all your siblings.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love them all, even when the girls are pains in the arses.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not Ernest” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Never him, I’m the oldest, he’s the youngest. All the girls are sandwiched in between us, gotta stick together.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know you always have a family and home wherever we all are, wherever your siblings end up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know” Louis said, nodding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay took Doris from him and he was left with Ernie in his arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know the second these babies are asleep, we’re going to talk” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Figures” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis kissed the top of Ernest’s head and cuddled him to him. He knew how rare it was that he got to see his family, especially the babies. And part of him is sad that he won’t get to be there for everything like he was with his sisters, but he loved them all to death. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Think it’s time to out them in their cribs” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis nodded and took Doris back while Jay got off the floor and then handed the babies to her and he got up and kissed them both and put them in their cribs. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on boobear. Just me and you tonight.” Jay said, holding her hand out for him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He nodded and took his mug form her and followed her into his room. She closed the door when they got into his room and she propped the pillows up against the headboard for them to sit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on Lou, we need to talk, darling.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“There’s nothing to talk about” Louis said sitting next to her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis, Niall had to drive you home to me. All I’ve gotten out of you was that you broke up with Harry. You can’t keep it all inside.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just not ready to talk about it, mum” Louis said. He drew his knees up and draped his arms over them, toying with his mug. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can I ask why?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You can ask whatever the fuck you want but that doens’t mean I’m going to talk about it” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay just gave him a look and he dropped his head. He knew better than to speak to his mum like that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Does all love end this way?” Louis finally asked. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It shouldn’t” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t know I could ever feel this much pain and I just want it all to stop” Louis said. The tears finally slipping from his eyes. Jay took his mug and placed both on the side table and hugged him tight. It broke her heart to see her oldest so heart broken. This wasn’t something she could protect him from or make easier. He buried his face in her neck and she had one hand cupping the back of his head and the other rubbing circles on his back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let it all out, love” She said quietly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis sobbed and held onto Jay for dear life. Niall had spent the night, he wouldn't leave Louis' side and Jay knew he was too tired to drive back. But he left at lunch time and only told Jay that Louis had broken up with Harry and they both were devastated. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It hurts mum” Louis cried </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know it does. I’m so sorry” Jay said, feeling herself get emotional. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew things had been tough for them, but she never dreamed that it would end in them breaking up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please tell me what happened” Jay said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I couldn’t protect him anymore, they said things and it was hurting both of us and I couldn’t do it anymore. They made me feel like I was taking advantage of him or holding him back. And that he’d be better off without me. And we had been fighting off and on and I don’t know. I thought I could protect him by breaking up with him, that I was hurting him but they got exactly what they fucking wanted. Up to break up and me the one to hurt Harry.” Louis said through his tears. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh Lou” Jay said, her heart breaking at everyone out of her son’s mouth. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I miss him mum” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you think you did the right thing?” Jay asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know. It should help him though. If I hadn’t cared as much what people thought or if I was more okay with liking a boy maybe none of this would have happened.” Louis said sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jay pushed the hair out of Louis’ eyes and cupped his face between her hands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“There is nothing wrong with you liking a boy. And whatever else your label or management said shouldn’t fucking matter.” Jay said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was shocked his mum just cursed. But maybe she was right. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis does this have anything to do with how tired you’ve looked and how thin you’ve gotten?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis, you’re scaring me. I know your smoking and drinking too much and you look sad and tired and you seem far too thin. You promised everything was alright, why didn’t you tell Anne or me how much you two have been hurting?” Jay asked. She was in full mummy protective mode and hated anyone that hurt her son this much. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It all got to be too much.” Louis admitted </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mummy’s got you now, and I’ll do anything you need me to”  Jay said, hugging him tight. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis let himself be hugged by Jay, he wasn’t sure how long it had been. His phone lit up and he reached for it and dropped it in front of himself. The screen said “love” and he started crying all over again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So fucking stupid” Louis said throwing his phone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not stupid. You’re hurting and you’re allowed to hurt.” Jay said firmly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She got up and got his phone and put it back into his hands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe you should just change it to Harry, there’s no need for you to hurt yourself every time it comes up. And while he might not text you as much right now, you still have your group chat for work.” Jay said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis unlocked it, his hands shaking as he pulled up Harry’s contact. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t do it” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can always change it back, Lou.” Jay said easily </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He deleted the name and just put H. He locked his phone again and Jay pulled him into her arms before he even had a chance to realize he was sobbing again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shh, my darling. It’ll be alright.” Jay said rocking him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I still love him” Louis sobbed out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you do” Jay said kissing his head. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Once Louis’ sobbing died down Jay wiped his tears. “I fully believe you’ll change it back to love one day, Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How do you know?” Louis asked, voice raspy </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sometimes a mum knows these things. You and Harry love each other and maybe it wasn’t working right now. There’s nothing that says you can’t find your way back to each other.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just rolled his eyes, because he was pretty sure he wouldn’t ever date again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“As your mum, I look forward to the day I can say I told you so. But until then, there’s no where else you belong than next to me.” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you mum” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you too, Lou. So much my darling boy.” Jay said hugging him tight and kissing his tear stained cheek. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum um, she said she’d be right there with me the day I got to change the H back to love and...and she’s not here.” Louis said, tears slipping out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Lou” Harry said, hugging him tight. His own tears slipping out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really glad she was right” Harry said into Louis hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Louis let out a shuddery laugh in his arms. Louis was holding him just as tight and Harry knew they were meant to be back together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She loved you, you know.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I loved her too” Harry said, wiping his own eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She had the biggest I told you so all planned out and I’d give anything to be able for her to tell me that.” Louis said sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, me too” Harry said, hugging Louis tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised Anne didn’t respond yesterday to our photos.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I forgot to send them” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s gonna be mad at you” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry sent them to Anne and they waited for Harry’s phone to light up. Sure enough it was a facetime from Anne, Louis grabbed it and answered it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Anne” Louis said, making sure the tears were gone from his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, darling.” Anne said, tears in her own eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi mum” Harry said, getting into frame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boys, the photos?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re back together” Harry said, kissing Louis’ cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s all mine” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They saw Anne wipe her eyes and they both felt themselves getting emotional again, it was only after they broke up that they learned how invested their families were in their relationship and how much they suffered right along with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have so many questions” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum” Harry said, groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let her go H” Louis said. Harry understood what he meant, that he’d give anything to give his mum the answers so he humored both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this new? How? When?” Anne said gushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, as of yesterday. We’re both at the same wedding and Louis go jealou “ Harry started before Louis’ hand went over his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What he means is that I asked him to go for a nice romantic walk at sunrise and we talked and we’re back together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m very happy to hear that.” Anne said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am too” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Louis said, kissing Harry’s cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not in front of mum” Harry said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I expect full details when I see you both next.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes mum” Harry said giggling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Anne” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hung up with Anne and cuddled for a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, just sometimes still get emotional. And talking about the H, just was another reminder about what mum keeps missing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to change it if you don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I need to. Mum was certain it would go back to Love, and I’m very glad she was right.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got his phone and opened up Harry’s contact. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis’ shoulder as Louis changed it. He saw Louis’ eyes start to water again and Harry kissed his cheeks. Once Louis saved it, he pulled Harry in for the biggest, bone crushing hug he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you” Louis said, voice thick with emotion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you always” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know it took a while to get here, but here we are! I'm really nervous about this chapter since it's a big deal for them. I wanted to make it special but also realistic and in character. Please let me know what you think in the comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The cereal needed to be further discussed.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis and Harry were supposed to have breakfast with Eleanor, but they decided to just order room service and meet her for lunch before her and Louis left for LA and Harry left for London. Louis had sent the pictures to Fizzy and Lottie, which earned him a very enthusiastic group facetime. Harry decided that he should probably shower and order breakfast so they don’t actually miss their flights. Louis finished talking to his sisters, after he got the biggest I told you so from Lottie. Louis had gone into the bathroom to shower and he knew Harry had ordered their breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had gone in to fix his hair after Louis walked out. He saw the cart with their breakfast and lifted the lid and was confused when he saw cereal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Haz? Thought you were getting eggs and shit” Louis called out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought cereal was your favorite” Harry said smugly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you on about?” Louis asked confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat on the bed, making sure to leave enough room for Harry and pulled the cart closer to him. He ditched the lids and poured milk into his cereal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shoved his phone in front of Louis and Louis immediately recognized it as his interview with Grimmy from the week before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall had been quite sure that No Control was a song about our sex life, not your favorite meal of the day. And I have to say I thought the same thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I can’t help if you boys have your minds in the gutters.” Louis said, shoving a spoonful of cereal in. “So you keep up with me too?” Louis asked, his own smug smile as Harry started to eat his breakfast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I keep up with Grimmy, and Niall sent me this link so…” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You twat” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright so I would check in on you as well” Harry admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just smiled and passed Harry the milk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how the fuck did you come up with cereal. I’d love to see the comparison.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want a lyrical analysis?” Louis challenged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, might come up again” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I have one for you” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Have you?” Harry asked, trying to hold back his laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should I start at the beginning?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I think you need to start with ‘Waking up beside you, I’m a loaded gun’” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh that” Louis said easily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that” Harry said, wondering how Louis was going to talk his way out of his one</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you know how sometimes you’re very hungry when you wake up. Like take Niall for example, he was always a bit grumpy until he got his breakfast. So It’s about waking up with your flatmates, or in our case bandmates and being ready to go off on anyone until you get your breakfast. Like loaded gun ready to go off, hungry newly woken up before breakfast and tea. Anything else?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew he’d beaten Harry and he was quite smug about it. Harry thought it over for a minute and alright, point to Louis. It wasn’t a great explanation, but it was an explanation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure about that?” Harry asked, trying to act serious </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>BSing and sarcasm was something Louis was very good at and he knew he could talk his way out of most things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright then. Extreme hunger, got it.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What part of this lyrical analysis would you like next, love?” Louis asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you want” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The beginning, stained coffee cups, you know about your morning coffee, tea just didn’t quite fit properly. Then jumping back to the part you already asked about, and after that you know, not caring that anyone sees you that hungry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis nodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked back down at his phone for the next part of the lyrics, “</span>
  <span>Got the taste on my tongue</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I don't want to wash away the night before, And the heat where you laid, I could stay right here and burn in it all day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, how’s that relate to cereal?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh easy, the taste the night before was the midnight snack of cereal and you can already taste your next bowl of cereal. And the end, could stay there and eat cereal all day long.” Louis said so simply, like he couldn’t understand how Harry could ask him for this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, yea of course.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The perfume lyric, clearly about how good cocoa pops smell. And really just genuinely about my love of cereal and how I am powerless against my love for cereal, more specifically about cocoa pops” Louis said cheekily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smirked at Harry and he knew Harry was trying to process what he just said, he was fish mouthing before he just started hysterically laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God I fucking love you” Harry said, kissing him hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was that lyrical analysis?” Louis asked cheekily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfect” Harry said “You’re ability to bullshit never ceases to amaze me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a gift” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good thing your love of cereal was already known or people might have thought you’d lost it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably already have if I’m writing a song about cereal” Louis laughed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis and Eleanor had just landed in LA. The flight wasn’t too long, but he knew Harry was still in the air. Oli had brought the dogs over and picked them up at the airport. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he know?” Eleanor asked him quietly as they saw Oli get out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet. Going to tell him later.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Eleanor just nodded. Oli hugged them both they put their bags into the boot and Oli drove them back to Louis’ house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They unpacked and Louis tried to convince Briana to give him Freddie but she told him not until the following day. He spent copious time with Cliff and Bruce and had a kick about with Oli. They ordered take away and afterwards Louis said he needed to talk to Oli. They grabbed two beers and sat outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to talk about? Everything Alright?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything’s alright. Really good even” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on Tommo?” Oli asked, petting Bruce </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis called Cliff over and Cliff happily laid at his feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep breath, Oli had seen Louis fall apart after he broke up with Harry the first time. He had a front row seat to the lengths Louis had to go to to act like him and Harry weren’t in a relationship, he still had a front row seat to it. Louis was nervous to tell him. While Oli only knew it from Louis’ point of view, he felt like Louis sacrificed himself for Harry to be happy and himself and he saw his best mate turn into someone on the outside that he wasn’t, and he wasn’t sure Harry understood how much Louis had done to protect him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep breath before he smiled. “Harry and I are back together” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli was stunned and speechless which Louis wasn’t quite expecting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When” How?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Turns out he was at the wedding too. We talked and decided to get back together. Missed him more than I let on.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“More than you let on? Anyone could see how much you missed him.” Oli said laughing lightly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t that obvious” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were, lad” Oli laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what changed?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Been trying to convince meself that we were just friends this whole year and clearly that didn’t work.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli just looked at him and Louis challenged him with a look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought Oli would have been much more excited for him, this weird silence wasn’t suiting him at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t approve?” Louis asked, drinking his beer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do, you know I always have. It’s just…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just what Oli?” Louis asked, getting annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like the fact that Stan, and me, we don’t bullshit you that you’re all wonderful and perfect right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We had to pick you up once when things between you and Harry went to shit. And I get that there was a lot of other shit and other people that affected you both. But you’ve been to hell and back in the last year between custody, your mum, losing her and everything with Fizzy. I just, I don’t want you to get hurt again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate that. But you need to trust me and you need to trust Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I trust both of you, I know you still love him. I just don’t want to have to pick you back up again this year. It’s not easy on any of us, but especially you. You’ve been through a lot. You and Harry spent more time with each other just being two people without fighting or hooking than you have in years, I know you said you wanted to work on your friendship with him, but I just don’t want you to jump back into something because you’re scared or sad or whatever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you don’t think it’s a good idea?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never said that” Oli stated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what then?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy for you Tommo, I just want to make sure that you don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone again. Even Harry. I guess I’m just cautious. Does he know everything you went through to protect him?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does, we talked about it all a few months ago, he knows about the contract and everything. I know it won’t be perfect. But you know I miss him. It’s never been anyone else but him. I’m not sacrificing myself but life’s so fucking short Oli, mum was what 43? I don’t want to wait forever, I fucking want forever with him.” Louis said, starting to get louder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli didn’t say anything he just took in Louis and his expression. “Are you happy?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Getting to just be the two of us even if it was just walking on the beach and getting room service it’s the happiest I’ve been in months.It felt really fucking normal. We talked, about a lot. And I know you’re probably judging him but he’s still the same Harry I fell in love with.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was mad that Oli wasn’t more supportive, that he didn’t seem to like this idea at all, that he thought Louis and Harry were wrong together. Oli was his best mate and if he didn’t think it was a good idea, then Louis really didn’t know what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you know what. You don’t know everything that fucking happened. Sure sometimes I ranted to you and Stan about all the shit we went through because I wouldn’t put the other boys in the middle of it. But why the fuck do you think this isn’t a good idea. You never said before. After Miami you actually thought it was a great idea that we were friends again, that we could help each other and we belong together so what the fuck changed Oli?” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked if you were happy” Oli stated </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being back with him, yea” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then that’s what matters” Oli said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you being a dick about it?” Louis asked, not yelling as much  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve seen you get hurt, I’ve seen you hurt yourself over all this, overthinking it and blaming yourself. I know if given the chance you’d get back together with him, I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you didn’t have to be a dick about it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to make sure that you knew that your own happiness was still important.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds more like Stan than you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yea, you’re not the only one whose thought about you and Harry getting back together. Stan and I have talked about this, we both agreed that you two belong together but also that you can’t take the brunt of everything again.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis thought about what Oli was saying and he couldn't deny that there was some truth to it. That Louis had sacrificed himself before to protect Harry. Like Louis wanted to protect Harry, Stan and Oli wanted to protect him, he couldn’t fault them for that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never stopped loving him, never stopped hoping that we’d get back together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t doubt you both want it, I just don’t want you to go through the same shit you did before” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and conceded that Oli was being supportive, just cautious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s the same charming idiot I fell in love with when I was twenty, and I know we have to keep it all quiet for now and that’s fine. El’s still around and people think Haz and I can’t stand each other. Kinda got innit? Sneaking around on our own terms” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe if there wasn’t all these other circumstances surrounding it” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know what we’re doing this time, we know what to expect and yea there’ll be times it sucks we can’t go out together in public but I couldn’t keep lying to either of us about how I felt.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you made the right decision” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli held his beer bottle up to cheers with Louis. “So you had quite the vacation in Mexico.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Went a little differently than I expected, yea.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was waiting to see Niall and Liam in person and tonight he finally got to see Niall. Niall was in town for his opening of a small tour before his bigger one the following year. He was having lunch with him before Niall had to head to sound check. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo!” Niall yelled walking into his house with take away </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nialler” Louis said happily hugging the Irish one “Miss you lad” Louis said ruffling his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall swatted his hands away and instead placed a wet, sloppy kiss on Louis’ cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you too, Lou.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So come on, you all set for tonight?” Louis asked getting them plates and some soda. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna fucking shit meself” Niall admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad, come on, you’re gonna be fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just me up there” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that happens when you put out music by yourself, you’re on stage by yourself” Louis said, adding it all up for Niall </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Niall deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so nervous” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So much could go wrong” Niall said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s you and your guitar up there, should be right in your element, Ni” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if I sounded like shit in the in-ears one of you would help out or if there were technical difficulties there was five or four of us to pass the time. Could always laugh about something and diffuse any awkward moments. Just me up there, that won’t happen” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be fine Ni” Louis said walking over to Niall and putting his hands on his shoulders. “You’re whole album is a banger, it’s you and your guitar, it couldn’t get more you if you tried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if that’s what people don’t like?” Niall asked quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hadn’t seen a nervous Niall in a while, even back on the X-factor he had a confidence about him that made everyone around him comfortable it was only after that first album that the label had put it in his head that he wasn’t as good. But if you asked Louis, he was fucking brillant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sold it out yea? Don’t think people would have sold it out if they didn’t think they would like you. Don’t know how anyone couldn’t like you, lad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I haven’t performed by meself. I had Steve and then Bebe, but you lad. You’re gonna fucking smash it. Little bit of nerves isn’t a bad thing. You get lost in the crowed up there by yourself look for me and the ginger. I moon you if I have to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall started laughing at the thought of Louis just dropping his pants to calm Niall down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lou” Niall said, still laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be fine” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you’re coming” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t miss it” Louis said seriously “You’re gonna fucking smash it and then I’m gonna give you the biggest I told you so and then I’ll even buy the first round” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you Tommo” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, lad” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, let’s eat. I’m hungry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So is tiny Tommo coming tonight too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Briana’s barely let me see him since I’ve been back, you think she’s going to let him go to a concert with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still not going well?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean last time I did up and leave, was gone a but longer than I had planned so I can see her benign a little mad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had a lot to deal with. How’s Fizz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s alright. She’s back in Donny, I wasn’t letting her stay there by herself. She just worries me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got a lot on your plate. Payno told me you’re dropping a song in a few weeks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, all by myself this time too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at you” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So do I get to hear it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want. Thinking of adding a few more instruments to it so I don’t think it’s done yet, but I don’t if I’ll have time” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well if you want, I wanna listen” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to tell you something” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” NIall said wondering why Louis was nervous all of a sudden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, alright.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushed his food around his plate and Niall took a bite, Louis figured he should wait for him to finish chewing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you know the wedding I went to a few weeks ago?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, Mexico right?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um Harry was there” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re back together” Louis blurted out </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Niall asked, shocked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said smiling and looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For years I walked in on you two snogging all over the world and you fucking wait weeks to tell me this!” Niall yelled excitedly. He was jumping around Louis’ kitchen, firing off questions and well Louis was glad he was more excited than the way Oli had taken it, Niall was starting to scare him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to tell you in person!” Louis said, calming Niall down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking huge news, Tommo” He said grinning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what happened.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got his phone out and facetimed Harry, figured they both should tell him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harold” Niall yelled into the phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told him?” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright so what happened. Last I knew you two were about to sleep together until I walked in and Louis ignored you for a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonderful recap, Neil” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was with the model at the wedding, El was with me” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was jealous” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jealous Louis is very unpredictable” Niall grinned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate you both” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, details” Niall prodded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We talked for a bit” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis faked a stomachache cause he was jealous” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was dehydrated!” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Butterflies in your tummy?” Niall smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just flipped him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was the wedding and then the next day we got coffee and went for a walk on the beach and talked. Then spent the rest of the time together until we had to leave” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so happy for you two” Niall said hugging Louis </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty happy too” Louis said quietly, looking at the phone </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you too, Haz” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yea Niall knew he was third wheeling again and it could have been 2013. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you too H” Niall yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I miss you Nialler” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go Lou, some last minute meetings for the tour” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll call you tomorrow, Ni’s show’s tonight and then we’re going out. First rounds on me as long as he doesn't shit himself on stage.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be fine Ni! Good luck” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks H”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if you need any good jokes before tonight I’ll have my phone on” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Might need one” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you’re better off without them” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll send you a few” Harry said “And babe, you love my jokes” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course I do, love” Louis said  “Bye Haz” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Bye Lou”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re all soft and mushy with him again” Niall said poking Louis’ side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am not” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re all gooey” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gooey?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, might need to write a song about it” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do that” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two belong together” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Ni” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just talk to each other this time” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Plan on it” Louis said nodding “It’ll have to be a secret for a bit but we know what to expect and we’ll figure it out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. So who kissed who?” Niall asked grinning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t know he wanted to slap or hug Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kissed each other, lad.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Niall asked looking at him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, why?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been through a lot this year. You and Haz are back together, that’s gotta bring up old feelings.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking sound like Oli” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s happy for me he says but he’s cautious. Said he doesn't want me to lose myself again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it’s valid, Tommo. I just know how much you missed him, how much you wanted to be back together with him and now that you have it I just want to make sure you’re alright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay. We’ve talked about a lot, about what happened before. Missed just talking to him, missed him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall just grinned. “I’m happy for you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said “And he understand about Freddie, and Fizzy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you two jump back in bed yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall!” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? We talk about that stuff” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes. “Haven’t done anything yet. Told him I wanted to take it a bit slow, think we need to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem like you both have your shit together now, I’m really happy you two worked it out.” Niall said, moving to hug Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Ni” Louis said, hugging him back tightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proud of you” Niall said, dramatically kissing his cheek again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew” Louis said, wiping the side of his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t wait till we can actually see each other other than through a phone screen” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s on tour next year right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. But we’ll figure it out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you will” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was he excited?” Oli asked as he and Louis tried to get into the venue unnoticed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was, more nervous than I had expected, too” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Oli asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s over thinking it. Think’s something’s going to go wrong and he’ll be left all alone up on stage and will somehow forget to play his guitar.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what would ever happen” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know that, and I think he does too” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis checked his phone and saw a few messages from Niall, some more panicked than others. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got a picture of the full venue and sent it to Niall to prove to him that people did want to listen to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta go check on him” Louis said getting up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hoped he’d be able to sneak into the back without getting seen. The last thing he wanted to do was take any focus away from Niall today. He could tweet how Niall smashed it tomorrow but tonight was all about Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was pacing his dressing room, the door was open so Louis stood in it until Niall seemed like his head was about to explode. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddie said he’d lend you a nappy if you needed one for tonight, lad.” Louis said, leaning against the door and folding his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo!” Niall yelled out nervously “You’re here” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I promised you I would be” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here, take a sip” Louis said handing Niall his beer “You need to calm the fuck down. You’re gonna smash it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Different though, yea?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course it is” Louis said, he sat Niall down on the couch and sat next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are so talented Ni, everyone out there knows that. Thought you would have known that by now. You take your favorite little guitar go out there and have a fucking amazing time.” Louis said, he squeezed Niall’s shoulder and he felt like maybe this time Niall will believe him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lou” Niall said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you want to do well, and you will” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had Niall in the most comforting hug he knew how to give and he cupped the back of Niall’s head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel better?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Tommo” Niall said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always lad. Now give me my beer and you go out there and smash it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish you lads were going out there with me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah you don’t. Now you won’t have to worry about getting electrocuted when Liam and I had water fighters. Less people to trip over, less people to distract you from singing. And plus you were always the least likely to fall on stage” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re just saying that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah. Now I gotta go sneak back to me seat so I don’t miss anything. And if you forget how to sing or you shit your pants I’ll come and save you. Deal?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Deal” Niall said hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went to get his beer but Niall took it from him and downed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was mine!” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can afford another” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go” Louis said high fiving Niall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had just enough time to get another beer and sneak back to his seat before Niall was supposed to start. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got to his seat just as it went totally dark. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he will be” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you heard the whole thing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, he’s played me the album a few times. It’s good, really shows off his own talent. It’s what people would expect from the one that had a guitar with him at all times. It’s honest and it’s him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli nodded along and then they heard a few chords and the light went up to Niall. Louis couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face, he was proud of all the boys, but something about seeing Niall up on stage doing what he loves warms his heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall was rolling through his setlist, no problems at all as Louis said would happen when Niall himself blew his cover that Louis was up on the balcony. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall started talking about Fool’s Gold, and how Louis was in the audience. The room erupted and Niall was leading the chant for him to go down and sing with him. Louis was not going to do that, he didn’t want anything to take away from Niall’s night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no” Louis said shaking his head as Niall kept cheering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall eventually moved on and sang Fool’s Gold and then finished the set. Louis’ cover was now blown so he had a much harder time sneaking backstage with Oli than he planned on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Blowing me cover, Horan” Louis said, spotting Niall chatting </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Niall said coming over to him “You were supposed to come down there and sing with me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were smashing it lad, I was only coming down if you fucked it up. Didn’t even come close to that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you think?” Niall asked, more seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lad” Louis said hugging him. “I’m so proud of you, you smashed it. You looked like you were enjoying every second, like you belonged up there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Tommo” Niall said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sent a few videos to Haz and Payno, both loved it as well. Told you that you’d be fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It felt good. Fucking missed being up there” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause you were born for it” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for coming” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You already thanked me. But I wouldn’t have missed it for the world” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You coming out tonight?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, figured Oli and I could go for a night out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sick” Niall cheered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on lad, first rounds on me” Louis said, looping an arm over Niall’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all so much for the support thus far! I have been struggling with writers block and I thought once they got back together I would have had an easier time writing but we're not quite there yet. In the midst of that writers block I remembered that I hadn't updated the prequel to this story in so long. And then on top of it I started writing a totally different story and I'm deciding whether or not to wait to post it until I've finished it or at least have more chapters for this one and the prequel written. I hope you stick around because I have some fun ideas that I would like to write about. As always please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Healthy does of Louis being a dad</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis knew Niall would take his and Harry’s relationship just as he expected.There was only one person he felt like he needed to tell before he went back to London tomorrow. That person being Briana, because when he came back Harry would be with him. Freddie facetimed Harry with Louis but it seemed no different than when he would with Liam or Niall. He was dropping Freddie off in the afternoon so he figured he’d go a little early and talk to Briana. He went back and forth on whether or not he should tell her. But after he handled his relationship with Dani when Freddie was an infant, he felt like he needed to do the mature thing and talk to Briana about it. <br/>The baby monitor went crackled to life, alerting Louis that naptime was over. <br/>He went and got Freddie in a clean nappy and and cuddled him for a bit before they went down for a snack. <br/>“Cheese dada” Freddie said. Holding onto Louis’ arm. <br/>“Say please. Cheese please, dad” <br/>“Pwease cheese” Freddie said <br/>“Close enough” Louis said, bouncing him as they went to the kitchen. He could do with a snack as well. <br/>“Wov you dada” Freddie said, laying his head on Louis’ shoulder. <br/>“Love you, lad.” Louis said hugging him tighter and kissing his cheek. <br/>It was moments like this that warmed Louis heart to the point it could explode. <br/>“What should we do, daddy has to go back to London tomorrow” <br/>“Dadda leave?” Freddie asked. His little face scrunched up, like he was about to cry and well that clearly didn’t warm Louis’ heart. <br/>“I’ll be back Freddie, don’t worry. Just have to go home and see your aunts and your uncle. I’ll be back in a few weeks.” <br/>“Okay” Freddie said, sated that Louis would come back. <br/>“Always will come back for you, baby” Louis said seriously. <br/>“Okay. Cheese pwease” Freddie said <br/>He was over the fact Louis had to leave, and Louis figured it was for the best. <br/>“You got it” Louis said. He secured Freddie in the highchair and cut up the brick of cheese he had and cut some grapes in half for Freddie so he didn’t choke on them. <br/>“My favorite little lad” Louis said, smoothing Freddie’s hair over and kissing his head. <br/>“Mmmm” Freddie said, shoving the cheese in. <br/>“One at a time” Louis said laughing and trying to slow him down. <br/>“Walk Cliffy?” <br/>“We can take Cliffy for a walk after our snack” <br/>Eleanor was staying in LA with the dogs while Louis went back to London since he’d only be there for a little over a week, it was easier than uprooting the dogs each time. <br/>“Cliffy” Freddie called out <br/>“Cliff can’t have cheese Fred” Louis warning, knowing his son was going to drop it for the dog. <br/>Freddie just pouted and Louis rolled his eyes. <br/>“It’ll make Cliffy feel poorly, you don’t want his belly hurting” Louis said<br/>“No” Freddie pouted. <br/>“Finish your snack and then we can give Cliff one of his own treats” <br/>“Okay” Freddie said happily <br/>It amazed Louis how easily toddlers moved on from things. Freddie finished his snack and Louis cleaned him up because somehow grapes and cheese could even make a mess when put into the hands of Freddie. <br/>“Blue box or red box?” Louis asked Freddie <br/>“Red!” Freddie cheered <br/>Louis took a treat out of the red box and handed it to Freddie so he could give it to Cliff. <br/>“Cliffy” Freddie said running around trying to find the dog. <br/>“Cliff” Louis called out. <br/>Cliff came barreling into the kitchen and stopped just before he bowled Freddie over. <br/>“Here Cliffy” Freddie said holding the treat to Cliff’s mouth. <br/>Cliff took it all in one bite and rubbed his head on Freddie’s leg. Freddie pet him, much more gently than he used to and Louis managed to get a good picture of the two of them. He hadn’t posted in a while and it wasn’t directly of Freddie’s face so he felt comfortable posting it. He captioned it boyos and left it at that. <br/>“Alright, should we walk down to the park and go down the slide?” <br/>“Slide!” Freddie cheered. <br/>Louis put Freddie in the little fence area in his living room so he was able to get everything he needed. <br/>“Alright get shoes on” Louis said <br/>He filled two water bottles for both of them, grabbed a ball and one of Cliff’s toys and a pack of wipes and shoved it all in the bottom of the pram. He got a hat on Freddie and decided to put him in a long sleeve shirt so he didn’t have to deal with sunscreen. It was later in the day but still hot enough to cause a burn. Louis got the leash on Cliff and wrapped it around his hand as he picked up Freddie. He went into the garage and got Freddie in the pram and double checked they had everything. He was proud of how efficient he had gotten at getting them both out of the house. <br/>“Dada” Freddie happily said from his pram. <br/>“Yes, lad?” <br/>“Love dada” <br/>“Love you too” <br/>He would never get tired of Freddie saying that, no matter how difficult he was being, he’d always beat Louis as soon as he said it. <br/>The park was luckily inside of his gated community and Louis felt comfortable taking Freddie there without security. Once they got there Louis tied Freddie’s elash to the pram and got Freddie out. <br/>“What first, lad?” <br/>“Slide, slide!” <br/>“Okay” Louis said laughing. <br/>“Stay Cliff” Louis said, petting his dog. <br/>For as clumsy and dopey as Cliff was he actually listened really well and followed what Louis told him to do. <br/>“Dada slide” <br/>“Alright, I’ll come down with you” Louis said laughing. <br/>He helped Freddie climb up, no one warned you how scary playgrounds were when you were the parent. With his siblings he was always egging them on to do crazy things but now Louis felt like Freddie should have a helmet at the playground and maybe some skating pads. He had his hands hovering on Freddie’s stomach and back as climbed up. He was only a year and a half but he clearly thought he was at least five. And he clearly enjoyed giving Louis heart palpitations with wanting to climb everything and get into everything. <br/>Freddie was only a few months old and was essentially scaling up Louis’ chest and his mum started laughing saying Louis was the same way. Wanted to climb and get into everything, wanted to see everything, learn what everything was. She told him how she gave him a few scares when he was climbing. Louis laughed it off, of course toddlers and kids climb all over everything and he knew he’d be getting and I told you so if she was still there. Like he’d be any different and let Freddie run wild and climb over everything. <br/>Louis quickly climbed up himself and Freddie walked over to the slide, Louis sat down and Freddie plopped into his lap and told Louis he wanted to go fast. The other day Louis told him the slide was only one speed and that didn’t go over well with Freddie so Louis just agreed they’d go fast. <br/>“Ready?” Louis asked, tickling him. <br/>“Slide, slide!” <br/>Louis held onto him for dear life and pushed off, Freddie cheering the whole way down. <br/>“Think that’s our best one yet” Louis said hugging him and getting his arse out of the dirt <br/>Freddie was still laughing and Louis wished he could bottle that smile and sound up and keep it forever, he would literally fight anyone or anything that threatened to take that look of his son’s face. He was only know understanding how hard it must have been for his mum to not be able to protect him from their label, management, rest of the world. That was something he really wished he could talk to her about, how she felt about it, how she handled it. But he couldn’t get sad about that know. He asked Freddie if he wanted to go again and Freddie happily agreed. He wanted to video Freddie’s whole expression going down, sent it to Fizzy and the boys, especially Harry. <br/>“Alright, ready? I think this will be the fastest” <br/>“Slide, dada!” <br/>“Here we go” Louis said <br/>He had his phone in one hand and his other arm securely wrapped around Freddie. He let go of Freddie for a second and pushed off and quickly wrapped his arm around him again. They landed in the dirt, much to Freddie’s delight and Louis’ dislike. It hurt his bum, Freddie might have had a nappy and all of Louis to cushion him but Louis only had his bum and much to Harry’s dislike it wasn't’ quite as big as it used to be. <br/>He sent the video to pretty much everyone he could think of and let Freddie run around. Cliff napped in the shade and barked at a few squirrels and a jogger that went by and then returned to his nap, already exhausted himself. Louis kicked the toddler sized football around with Freddie. They had been there over an hour and he figured Freddie had enough. His cheeks were all pink and he was sweaty. <br/>“Ready?” Louis asked <br/>“Bye bye” Freddie said, waving to the slide.<br/>And no Freddie was the sweetest baby Louis knew. He didn’t know he could love this little person that much, and he loved when Freddie learned new things. It almost seemed like teaching Cliff tricks. He said that in an interview and got roasted for comparing his kid to his dog but whatever it was true. He loved seeing both of them learn new things. <br/>“Hot” Freddie huffed when Louis made him walk over to the pram. <br/>He could hear Liam now, “Tommo, he’s literally a shorter, blonder you. The look, the huff, the indignant way no one waited on him.” <br/>Louis missed his boys. People joked that all five of them would live together with their families like some weird compound after they retired but with how much Louis missed the three of them, and even Zayn if you caught him in a weak moment, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea now. <br/>Louis got Freddie’s long sleeve shirt off, so maybe that was a mark on his parenting that he took the easy way out and overheated his kid but he got Freddie his water and that made him happy. He roused Cliff, who much like Louis himself hated being woken up. He liked to cuddle and snuggle whoever woke him up, just like his human. So apparently Freddie and Cliff were the tiny and dog version of him and again he felt like that might come back to bite him in the arse. <br/>Louis had a great time with Freddie this week and that was all that mattered to him. </p><p> </p><p>“Miss dada” Freddie pouted and Louis got him in his car seat. <br/>“I’ll miss you too. But I’ll talk to you everyday and I’ll see you really soon.”<br/>Louis said kissing his head as he buckled him in. <br/>“Okay” Freddie said, happily swinging his legs. <br/>Louis got emotional leaving Freddie and it was always better if Freddie wasn’t upset that Louis was leaving. <br/>He had asked Briana if he could go over a bit earlier and he wanted to talk to her. She agreed and now they were driving over and Louis was nervous. They got their far sooner than Louis would have liked and he parked and got Freddie out. He knocked on the door, because they weren’t at the point of walking into each other’s homes. <br/>“Hi baby” Briana said happily when she opened the door and saw Louis holding Freddie. “Hi Lou” <br/>“Hi Bri” Louis said kissing her on the cheek. It was more European than American but somehow since they had a better understanding she allowed it. <br/>“Mama” Freddie said hugging her <br/>“I missed you, buddy” She said, taking him from Louis. <br/>Louis never knew what to do with his arms after he dropped Freddie off so he just shoved them in the pocket of his shorts. <br/>“How was he?” She asked him <br/>“He was perfect. He’s so much better with Cliff now. But yea he was really good” <br/>“Good” Briana said kissing him, making him giggle. <br/>“Time’s your flight?” <br/>“Five tonight.” <br/>“I do have to give you credit, that’s not an easy flight and you do it a lot.” <br/>“I’d do anything for him” Louis said <br/>“I know” Briana said nodding <br/>“I um, took this video of us yesterday. I took him to the park by my house. And his whole face and laugh after the first slide, we did it again and I needed to record it. Just, he was so happy and giggly. I um, I can send it to you” <br/>“I’d like that” Briana said smiling. <br/>They had their moments but once Louis explained things a bit better Briana was a bit more understanding. <br/>“Do you want anything?” She asked him <br/>“Just a water, thanks” Louis said  <br/>“We can talk in the family room, wanna take him in and I’ll get us some drinks” <br/>Louis nodded and took Freddie into the living room. Once he sat on the sofa he swiped Freddie right up and cuddled him to him. He was going to get all the snuggles he could before he had to leave. <br/>Briana handed him a glass of water and a sippy cup for Freddie. <br/>“So is everything alright? How’s Fizzy?” <br/>He had to tell her and that was a conversation he had on the phone, one where Briana was upset that Fizzy was struggling that much. <br/>“She’s doing better. Has her moments but she’s been getting professional help. I go with her when I’m there. As far as I know she’s clean. There was a night she really wanted to use and it ended with her crying and throwing up but she stayed clean. It was traumatizing for both of us but she got through it. Really f… really proud of her” Louis said. He had to be much for careful what words he used around Freddie ever since the shit incident. Briana laughed, knowing what he was going to say. <br/>“She’s been in Donny with me grandparents. She spent some time with Mark and then at Dan’s with the baby twins.” <br/>“Good I’m glad she’s doing better. I know how scared you were” <br/>“Still am if I’m honest.” Louis said<br/>“I get that” Briana said nodding <br/>“That’s um not what I wanted to talk to you about though” Louis said getting nervous. He put Freddie down and let him go play. <br/>“Okay” Briana said nodding <br/>Louis took a long sip of water and gathered his thoughts. <br/>“I know we’re working on this co-parenting thing and communicating. And I know I’ve fucked that up before. Um, do you remember what I told you a few months ago?” <br/>“About?” Briana asked, confused. <br/>“Harry and me” <br/>“That you two were in a relationship?” She asked <br/>“Yea” Louis said nodding. <br/>“Yea, why?” <br/>“We um, me and him. He’s um, we been back in contact since March I guess it was. Well I was the one ignoring him after me mum died. But um we stayed in contact and then you knew about Robin. And feelings might have come up again…” <br/>“Might have?” Briana asked smirking <br/>“Alright feelings reemerged on both sides. I needed to figure out what I wanted and I didn’t want him to get hurt in the process so we sorta stopped talking. The night I got the call about Fizzy he was the only one I trusted in London and he got her. He took care of both of us that night. The wedding I was at in Mexico, he um he was there too. And we talked. We um, we’re back together” Louis said slowly, trying not to smile too much at the admission. <br/>“Shut up, really?” Briana asked. She seemed genuinely happy for him. <br/>“Yea. we talked. We talked a lot that weekend actually and we’re back together. Haven’t seen him since of course but we talk every day” <br/>“I’m happy for you Lou. Seriously. God that was fucking tragic when you told me that. I thought it was just all rumors and overreaching.” <br/>“Some of it yea, but the bare bones. Harry and I not being able to be a couple was real” <br/>“Are you allowed now, to be a couple?” <br/>“No. He can, he’s free. I made sure of it.” Louis said looking down. <br/>“Lou?” <br/>“I’m not. I’m stuck under Syco for another couple years. Not even going to tell anyone outside our family and close friends that we’re back together. I think in some ways it’ll be easier because we won’t have to be in public with each other, but if we do we caught in the same area then it could be bad. But we’re going to give it a go.” <br/>“I’m happy for you” She said smiling <br/>“Thanks” Louis said sincerely. She seemed genuinely happy for him, maybe that would make the next part easier. <br/>“Um I know we agreed not to have Freddie around any of our dates or boyfriends or girlfriends after Dani and your ex. But I was wondering about Harry. I wouldn’t obviously snog Harry in front of Freddie but I don’t want to overstep.” Louis said. He’d had to live with the decision. He hadn’t planned on getting back together with Harry so soon, he agreed to it because he didn’t like Briana’s last boyfriend and he didn’t want strange men around his son. <br/>“Um, I think that’d be okay” Briana said <br/>“It’s a good rule we have in place though. But my time with Harry is already limited and my time with Freddie is limited and I don’t want to limit it even more with either of them.” <br/>“I know you’re phrasing it this way so I don’t start bringing around, what did you call it? ‘Random dickheads getting into my pants’?” Briana asked laughing <br/>“I overstepped” Louis said groaning <br/>“It’s sweet you still look out for me. And we both were a bit reckless with introducing people to Freddie. Luckily he was too young for us to fuck him up.” <br/>“That’s what I thought!” Louis said laughing <br/>“You know Freddie, he’s not some random weirdo you met at a bar. I have no problem with Harry being around Freddie. He seemed to adore him from the video with Cliff that you sent me.” <br/>“Freddie took to him so fast” Louis said laughing “I felt put out” <br/>“You seem happier, calmer even” Briana said, giving him a once over. <br/>“I really missed him. We’ve gotten through some shit this year alone. It made me realize that ignoring both of our feelings wasn’t healthy either. That Harry is a grown man, he can make decisions for himself. I can’t protect him from everything, as hard as I try.” <br/>“That’s very enlightened, Louis” She said, surprised. <br/>“All gotta grow up at some point” Louis shrugged <br/>“Why were you nervous to tell me?” She asked <br/>“Because us and other relationships and co-parenting haven’t gone so well in the past, didn’t know how you’d feel with me having a boyfriend” Louis said shrugging. <br/>“We both have been immature and hurt each other because we could. But you opening up to me, made me realize I bought into what the media was saying about you. You’re a good guy, Louis. And I am sorry for making your life harder. I know I’ve been a bitch to you, and I’m sorry” <br/>“Thank you” Louis said, surprised she fully apologized. <br/>“And I mean after you told me about yours and Harry’s relationship, I can’t deny I was rooting for you two. It’s well known Harry’s great with kids so it’s kida better. I know he’s not some crazy stalker and he’ll love our son and do what’s best for him. But I have no problem with you having a boyfriend as long as they are good to and respectful of Freddie.” <br/>“You two you know. I was jealous that he got more time with Freddie than I did.” <br/>“I shouldn’t have used you dropping the custody agreement against you, that was wrong, really wrong. You and Freddie both deserved better.” <br/>“Does that mean next concert Niall has I can take him to?” Louis smirked <br/>“Absolutely not. Far to young for that” Briana said laughing <br/>“Worth a shot” Louis shrugged. <br/>“Can I ask you something?” Briana asked <br/>“Yea” Louis nodded <br/>“So are you gay then? I don’t mean to be insensitive, just wondering” <br/>“No that’s fair. Also the million dollar question.” <br/>“How do you mean?” She asked <br/>Freddie shrieked and they both jumped up but saw that he knocked over his own block tower much to his own delight. <br/>“It was a problem before, me not understanding who I was, what I was. Still not sure. Like both, slept with both, obviously” Louis said, pointing to Freddie. <br/>Briana laughed, and let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. <br/>“You seemed to enjoy yourself that night” Briana smirked <br/>“Oh god, that shit’s in the past” Louis said laughing and covering his face. <br/>“I’m joking” Briana said laughing<br/>“It’s um, I’ guess I’m still working it out. Some stuff that was said to be the label or management, really fucked with me. I’m still working through it. Harry knows now, he didn’t back then. But those are me own issues I have to sort out.” <br/>“I know us talking is new and all but thank you for being honest.” <br/>“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you at first.” <br/>“I didn’t give you reason to trust me, I get it now. So do I have to sign another NDA?” <br/>“No, I trust you. I just still have to be careful. Financially and emotionally it would be bad if it got out.” <br/>“Will you ever be free of it all?” Briana asked him sadly <br/>“One day, in a few years.”<br/>“Long time” Briana said <br/>“It’s been five years already of keeping it quiet.” Louis shrugged <br/>“You should get to be happy too. The happier you are, the happier he’ll be so, of course Harry is welcome to be around him.” <br/>“Thanks Bri” Louis said “I better get going. I’ll be back next week. I’ll let you know. I’m in and out and then in London most of November and beginning of December. Gonna do Christmas and my Birthday with him and then Christmas in Donny.” <br/>“Alright, yea just let me know.” <br/>“Will I ever get to take him to Donny for Christmas?” <br/>“I don’t know, Lou” Briana sighed <br/>“Alright” Louis conceded. <br/>He went over to Freddie and scooped him up, cuddling him and kissing him. <br/>“I have to go bye bye now” <br/>“Dada bye bye?” Freddie asked, instantly going sad. <br/>“Yea, I have to go to London for a bit. But I promised you I’d be back and I’ll call you everyday lad. I promise. <br/>“Love dada” <br/>“Love you too, Freddie” Louis said, hugging him tight. “I’ll see you soon.” <br/>“Bye Bri” Louis said hugging her as well. <br/>“You’re a good dad to him, Louis. Honestly, I’m sorry I made it difficult.” <br/>Louis just nodded and decided to pick Freddie up. Freddie gave him a big wet kiss on his cheek that rivaled the ones Cliff gave out and drunk Nail. Freddie was so proud of himself that Louis didn’t have the heart to wipe it off. <br/>“See you soon boyo. I love you” <br/>“See soon dada” Freddie said wrapping his arms around Louis’ neck. Louis rubbed his back as he walked over to the door. Oli was calling him telling him he should’ve been home already that he needed to go. He gave Freddie to Briana before either of them could cry and left. </p><p>Louis was driving back to his house to get his stuff and the car to the airport, that conversation had gone far better than he could have ever hoped.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next few chapters I have already written so it'll probably be up Monday. I wrote them a few months ago when I was channeling my own stress into writing so it'll be a rollercoaster. But I thought we could all do with a dose of daddy Louis before that. Let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Few months into their new relationship.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was the beginning of December, Louis and Harry had been separated for most of the last few months because of work commitments. Louis had released two songs, sang at Royal Variety and a few other places. Harry had been away touring and now he was away for Gucci and Louis was just feeling off. It was only a few days before the one year anniversary of his mum’s death and as much as he wanted to admit he was fine, he wasn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his laptop open trying to figure things out for work for the new year and he wished he could have been excited when Harry’s face popped up wanting to talk to him but he couldn’t fake that he was alright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi love” Louis said, his need to talk to Harry overriding his ability to hide anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi love, how are you?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t the best connection but it would do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’alright. Miss you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you too” Harry said “You’ve been quiet the last few days, what’s going on?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Louis talked at least once a day and Harry could tell there was a change in Louis. Niall had seen Louis the week before and texted Harry after asking if everything was alright, that Louis seemed off but kept saying he was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just tired. Missing the little lad too” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had been in LA through October but he had been back in London for most of the last month. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll see him next week right?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said smiling a bit. “When do you get back to London?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not for a few days, babe. I’m sorry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s fine. We knew we wouldn’t have much time together until the holidays.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was reaching his limit of being able to not blurt out that he needed Harry back home with him right now so he figured he should hang up before Harry caught on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish we didn’t have opposite schedules” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Few days right?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could hear the pain behind Louis’ voice and now he was worried. Louis had been more distant the last few days and he was worried now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby what’s wrong?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. Haz. I’m alright. Just tired, been a busy few weeks.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, get some sleep tonight tonight then. Cuddle Cliffy since I’m not there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Already have been. The big baby’s right next to me.” Louis said smiling, looking down at Cliff cuddled up next to him. He may only be about a year old, but he would always be Louis’ puppy, he was probably the goofiest dog Louis had ever met, but he was his giant goofball and Louis couldn’t have asked for a better dog. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, H” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hung up from Harry and jammed his fingers into his eyes. He had been emotional and short tempered the last few days and he knew everyone around him was picking up on it. He tried to clear his emotions before going downstairs to Fizzy and Oli. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gonna make some chicken, what else do you want?” Oli asked as Louis walked into the kitchen for some water. He knew he should at least drink that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and filled his glass. “Not hungry really” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to eat something, Tommo” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make whatever, I don’t care” Louis said, he knew he was acting like this was a hardship but Oli was a terrible cook and no matter what he made with it, it probably wouldn’t taste great. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Oli said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Fizz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Watching the telly I think” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis figured he should go check on her so he took his cup of water into the family room. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What are you watching?” Louis asked, walking up behind the sofa. He froze and before Fizzy was able to answer Louis dropped his cup and started yelling. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What the fuck are you watching?” Louis asked, feeling himself panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Old videos from when we were little” Fizzy said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay, Louis, Lottie and Fizzy were clear as day on the screen, running around in the garden at home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get that shit off” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What Louis, come sit and watch, it’s so cute” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said “Don’t need another fucking reminder mum’s not fucking here” He said yelling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stepped in the water he dropped and just ran from the room, up the stairs and into his bedroom. He got his wet socks off and crawled under his blankets. Cliff barked at being disturbed from his nap but he quickly calmed down when he saw how upset Louis was. That was the first he had heard his mum’s voice in basically a year and that was the final thing that broke him. He buried his face in his pillows and cried. He cried because he missed her, because it was almost a year without her and he didn’t know how he was going to get through the rest of his life without her. He hurt all over, his heart, his head, everything. Everything seemed taxing and difficult the last few days and that was it. What tiny bit of energy he had left was gone. The harder he held onto his pillow the harder he cried. Cliff tried to comfort him, pawing at him and nuzzing him with his nose but eventually he took to just sitting still while Louis cried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Oli said quietly, knocking on the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“GO THE FUCK AWAY!” Louis yelled, throwing a pillow at the door. That caused Cliff to bark and Oli opened the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis what the fuck happened. Are you alright?” Oli asked, seeing how hard his best mate is now crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking fine” Louis said bitterly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. You can’t fucking bring me mum back so fucking nothing” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli could hear the anger and sadness and he didn’t know what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to call Lottie?” Oli asked, not having any idea what to do for Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. But you can leave me the fuck alone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Louis, you know I can’t do that.” Oli said, he sat on the bed and put his hand on Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get off me” Louis said, fighting Oli. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Louis calm the fuck down, mate” Oli said trying to hug Louis. Physical comfort always worked for Louis but Louis needed to stop fighting him long enough for it to work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened with Fizz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing” Louis said bitterly. “But is she alright?” He asked, more gentle this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really, she’s upset. Said it’s her fault that you’re upset.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I can’t...I can’t see her, she can’t see me like this. You need to make sure she keeps staying clean. I just, I need a night alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli knew how fragile Fizzy still was and the fact that now Louis was going to worry this fight would lead her to using again worried him. Eleanor was only at her mums but he didn’t think bringing more people into this was good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you have to fucking promise me you’ll take care of her and that she won’t do anything stupid” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise Louis, I’ll do whatever.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and started to cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Oli said gently, putting his hand on Louis’ shoulder. “Mate, you need to talk to me or someone. This isn’t healthy. I’m worried about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fucking fine”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not Lou and that’s alright. But you’re not alright. You’ve been off since you went to Fizzy’s appointment with her the other day. She’s worried too. I’ll call Harry, see if he can come back.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No he’s working. I’m fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When will you fucking understand that people want to help you” Oli said standing up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just promise me to look after Fizzy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise” Oli said “I’ll bring you up some pizza, I burnt the fucking chicken” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t acknowledge the fact Oli burnt dinner again and Oli took that as a bad sign. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli went to check on Fizzy and she was a little better, but not much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz” Oli said gently when he saw her crying. “Come here” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy nodded and went to the hug Oli was offering her. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“He’s mad, he’s so mad” Fizzy said crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not mad. He’s being fucking stubborn and ignoring what’s bothering him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No he’s mad” She said crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy he’s not. He’s been feeling bad for a few days and I guess the old family films you were watching just set him off. But if they help you, watch them” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go stay with Lottie tonight.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And no that complicated Oli’s life more. He can’t watch Fizzy from Lottie’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t Lottie just come here? Louis asked me to watch you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis can fuck off” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli ran his fingers through his hair, he felt like he was stuck behind a rock and a hard place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy please. Just have Lottie come over, she’s here half the time anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Fizzy said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re all hurting, I know that. I also know that Louis promised to talk to you and all of us more about everything and he’s not. But don’t put yourself into a situation you’ll regret, alright. I love you both, and I have no fucking idea how to help either of you from hurting this much. But Louis’ buried his own grief all year, as much as me and the lads tried to get him to open up, he never fully dealt with it. Not that he’d want you to know that. But I’m worried about both of you and I can’t change a fucking thing to make it easier for either of you so please just fucking stay here.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Fizzy said, more quiet. “But he fucking promised me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know he feels like he has to take care of everyone else. I thought maybe he’d been talking to Harry or Niall but apparently not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he gonna be alright?” Fizzy asked, starting to cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He will, it’ll take time, but he will be” Oli said, hoping if he believed it, Fizzy would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Call Lotts, see if she’ll bring pizza. I burnt the chicken” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you did” Fizzy said rolling her eyes</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Louis woke up and there was sun shining in his room. He was curled around Clifford. He rolled over to grab his phone. He had a few missed texts from Briana saying that he missed his nightly call with Freddie. He missed a text and call from Harry. There was a note next to his phone saying that Louis refused to eat the pizza Oli brought in but that he fed Cliff last night and took him out for a quick walk before bringing him back to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And wow Louis had wild nights in the club that he remembered more than he did the last night despite only sleeping. Getting out of bed seemed like a lot of work so he decided to go back to sleep. That seemed much easier. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was being woken up by something scratching his back, he cracked an eye open and saw a bunch of bright blonde hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey love” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lotts?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I’m here” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’alright. Lou how are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’alright” Louis said. It didn’t even sound convincing to him. His voice just sounded tired and raspy to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Lou” Lottie said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” Louis asked her</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy called me last night, said she needed to come over. Then she said that Oli wouldn’t let her, something about him watching her. I was just confused so I came here. You were asleep when I got here. Tried to wake you up to eat but you were really out of it. Had us worried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine Lottie, just tired.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy said you’ve been quiet since you went to therapy with her. What did they say” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t talk about that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not the doctor or patient so I don’t think that works for you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away Charlotte” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, I get you’re the oldest but I’m not a little kid. You don’t have to protect me from anything, I went through it with mum too. The days you couldn’t be there, I was. And I know you didn’t let yourself grieve. Mum even said you wouldn’t. I promised her I’d make sure you were able to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t fucking guilt me into talking by brigning up mum” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But Louis, it’s true. You haven’t. You’ve been all over the last month working and avoiding how you actually feel and now you had a few days and I know all those feelings are scary. So please don’t shut me out.” Lottie pleaded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just take care of Fizz for a few days. I just need to sleep for a couple days” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“People aren’t supposed to sleep for a few days” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did it all the time after tour” Louis said rolling over to make his point.  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea because you’d hardly sleep and were overworked. You weren't avoiding grief.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Lottie </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can shut Fizzy and Oli out, but I know you better. I’m not leaving you till Harry gets back. I already called Niall but he’s playing shows in America.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea that’s it Lotts, worry more people over nothing” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not nothing Louis” Lottie said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could tell she was tired and stressed herself. She had taken on a lot of pressure this last year too and he knew he could talk to her, that she wasn't just his little sister. Mark had his own issues he had been working out so Louis and Lottie both took on more responsibility with their siblings. They had a mutual understanding to step it up and take care of all the others. Louis had made sure Lottie had her own time to grieve and as much as she tried to give it to him he kept pushing through and now it led to this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just leave me alone for a few days” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You spent her birthday alone and I know in a way this feels like your first birthday and our first Christmas without her because it was all just such a blur last year. You didn’t take the time for yourself and I get you had more responsibility but it’s scary to see you like this. And I just wish you’d fucking talk to me too” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve had to grow up enough, don’t need my shit on top of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s the thing Louis, this made us all even closer and you don’t have to do this alone. You didn’t let any of us go through it alone, don’t make yourself do it. Want me to call Harry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s working” Louis said sadly </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“At least tell him how you’re feeling” Lottie said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wait till he gets back” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Lottie said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Lottie, I just need a few days to meself. Alright. Just make sure Fizzy’s alright. I just want to be alone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, just call me and I’ll come back, alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Louis said nodding and curling in his blankets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie fixed his pillow and pulled the sheet and duvet up around him, she brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed his head. The fact that he let her do all that worried her, he looked exhausted and worn out, his eyes were tired and sad. She’d seen him like this before but it never lasted this long. She didn’t want to leave him, but she also knew that pushing him into talking to her wouldn’t help either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll bring you some tea before I go. What do you want to eat?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry. Could do with a cuppa though”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bring you some toast with it then” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hugged him before going to make him a tea. Once she brought it back up he drank the whole cup and had a bit of the toast. That seemed like enough effort for the day and so he closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Louis woke up next and realized he really needed a wee. It was dark out and he grabbed for his phone and saw it was nearing seven at night. There was a sandwich on his bedside table with a note telling him to eat it. He took a few bites and texted Harry telling him he loved him. Before he went back to sleep, he wished Cliff was with him but apparently someone let him out of his room and he didn’t have the energy to go find him. He did brush his teeth and wash his face when he went for his wee and that was enough. He climbed back under all of his blankets and scrolled through his camera roll on his phone. He knew this was probably the last thing he should do but he wanted to cry, felt like he needed to cry. There was a picture dated exactly a year ago, it was all seven of them with Jay. She would always be beautiful to him but he could see how sick she actually was in that photo and it broke his heart. She fought hard for herself for all of them, and he hated that he could buy almost anything but he couldn’t buy a cure for his mum. It wasn’t fair. He was only 24 when she died. None of it was fair. It wasn’t fair just as he got off touring for five years that she got sick that just as he had a son she got sick. It’s not fair that his sisters and brother no longer have their mum. None of it is fucking fair. It’s not fair how much Fizzy is struggling, or how his grandparents should be relaxing and not raising the twins or how the baby twins don’t see them all everyday. None of it was fair and Louis was just tired. He cuddled into his pillow and let himself cry. He hated feeling like this, hated feeling sorry for himself. He had a life he never could have dreamed of, he felt like he shouldn’t feel this way, that people had it way worse than he did but at the same time he missed his mum, his bestfriend so much it physically hurt. He cried himself to sleep and he figured it was for the best. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The next time he woke up it was sunny and bright and that wasn’t overly common for London this time of year. It was half eight when he looked at his phone. He ignored the messages, calls and emails that he had and just put it face down on the side table. The sandwich was gone but there seemed to be a new glass of water next to his bed. He downed half of it realizing how thirsty he was. He thought maybe he’d get showered and take the dogs out. He needed a wee and couldn’t ignore it any longer so we walked into his ensuite but lost any energy he had on the short walk. He washed his face and brushed his teeth and nope, too tired to shower. He needed to sit. His head hurt, his whole body hurt. He shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. He wasn’t sure how his whole body could hurt and feel like jello all at the same time. He realized this would now be the third day in his clothes and part of him did care about that. He did manage to get himself into some fresh pants, clean pajama bottoms and a clean long sleeve t-shirt. He decided that was enough moving around and crawled back into his bed, pulling all the blankets over his head and shutting his eyes. He knew this wasn’t helping anything, but at the same time he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He woke a while later to someone licking his face. He could tell it was Cliff without even opening his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis again knew this was Oli without rolling over. He figured Oli wasn’t going to leave if he knew Louis was awake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right yea, cause this is normal.” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you even gotten out of bed” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea I haven’t wet the bed and I’m in clean clothes so fuck off” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, come on. You can’t stay up here avoiding everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you I was tired” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know and I respect that but this isn’t healthy. I’m worried” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get over it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the thing though, this isn’t something you get over in a day. You need time and you need people that love you and care about you. Not just being by yourself” Oli said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m handling it alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I brought you a sandwich, you’ve barely eaten the last few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not that hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis I’ll keep bringing you food and water and tea and I’ll keep an eye on Fizz and take care of Cliff but this isn’t healthy and I’m worried.” Oli said “But if you feel like this is what you need right now I’ll let you be. Can I get you anything?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A cuppa?” Louis asked quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course. I let Cliff out and fed him. Want me to leave him with you?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Please” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll bring your cuppa up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizzy alright?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sort of. She’s worried too. Lottie had something for work today so she had to go so it’s just us today. But she feels like this is her fault. She came to check on you last night and you were crying, like you were barely lucid. She was upset and paced around a bit. Said she was starting to feel like using but I took her outside with the dogs and threw their toys around for a bit and she calmed down. But she’s doing alright just worried like me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for taking care of her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry texted me, said you barely talked to him yesterday” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t tell him. Oli promise me you won’t tell him. He doesn't need this, he’s busy and away. It’ll pass and go away, I’ll be fine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Oli groaned, he knew this wasn’t a good idea</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please. I just need time to meself. I just need to sleep. I can’t do much else right now” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright.” Oli said sitting next to Louis. “Alright but I’m gonna keep barging in here then” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I want to. I’ll let you be, I’ll be back with your cuppa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, he started petting Cliff who happily cuddled up to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli left him alone and Louis scratched Cliff’s head and nuzzled into his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Such a good boy, Cliffy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his eyes closed when Oli walked back in with a steaming cuppa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least have some sandwich too” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really hungry” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Lou” Oli said defeated. He didn't know how to help Louis. Fizzy and Lottie didn’t know either and he didn’t know how to tell Louis’ grandparents or Harry, but he knew Louis’ couldn’t keep spending his days like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even if you want to watch a movie or some shit and not talk, just so you’re not alone please let me know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want to be alone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Oli said. He felt like a bad mate, he didn’t know what to do other than respect Louis’ wishes so he left him alone. He did hear the telly go on so maybe it was better than silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis put the telly on and put on Friends. It always cheered them up when they were touring, it was a favorite of all of them and something they always agreed on. He watched an episode and a half and had a few bites of his sandwich but did drink all his tea. He fell asleep again a bit later. When he woke up it was dark again and so he put Friends back on. That wasn’t the smartest idea because it was the episode where Phoebe's grandmother dies and well that was exactly what he didn’t need to see. He shut it off but had already been crying without even knowing it. Cliff was still with him and he cried into Cliff’s fur. Cliff just put his paw on Louis’ arm and tried to lick at his face. He was still crying when Oli walked in again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis? Shit Tommo, what’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine” Louis said sniffling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate you’re not” Oli said sadly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sad episode” Louis said, not meeting Oli’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Lou.” Oli said. He needed to do something but he didn’t know what. He figured he needed to tell Harry, Harry or Niall were the only ones he figured that could get through to him but Niall was in America and Louis already said he shouldn’t call Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’fine” Louis said wiping his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good. Nothing” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli decided to ignore the fact Louis thought he was fine and figured he would switch to the dinner he brought him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I brought you a burger for dinner. You really need to eat something.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not hungry. Feel nauseous” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause you haven’t eaten in days” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just gonna go to sleep” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to feed Cliff and let him out, do you want me to bring him back in” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please” Louis said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a desperate look in Louis’ eyes, he wanted something or rather someone but he knew it wasn’t possible for Oli to make his mum come back. So he just stayed quiet. Aside from the nausea he actually felt a bit better. Tomorrow was another day to try and leave his room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I’ll bring him back up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you take the burger too. I appreciate it, but my stomachs just a bit shit right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you stomach some tea and toast? You really should eat something” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine” Louis said, knowing it was a losing battle if he declined again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll back” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you will” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His stomach hurt but his whole body hurt so he didn’t think too much of it, he probably was hungry but having to eat food seemed like a chore and it was easier to lay under his blankets and close his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was only resting his eyes, he wasn’t asleep when Oli came back in. He looked like he was about to drop everything when Louis reached out and took the cuppa from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk to your boyfriend. He’s worried about you. I got a bunch of texts asking where you disappeared to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck. I think I talked to him yesterday?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No wonder he’s worried” Oli deadpanned. “You want company?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just Cliff” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tommo” Oli said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m feeling a bit better, less sad maybe. Please just let me be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know if this was one of your sisters or Harry you arse would be parked right next to them doing whatever they needed or wanted even if it was just sitting in silence but your so bloody fucking stubbon you won’t let anyone return the favor. You have people to lean on so fucking lean on them. I’m trying to be patient and understanding but I’m getting worried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll talk to Haz, I promise” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Oli said, feeling some relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Oli for everything the last few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Tommo” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis made grabby hands and Oli hugged him and pet Cliff, hoping that the goofy dog was enough for Louis till Harry got back to London. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please let me know what you think! I had written these next few chapters as a way of dealing with my own stress and everything so while I think they are actually some of my better chapters, they may be a bit sadder. But I love a happy ending so just bare with me for now. Please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis opens up!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for brief discussion of suicide. Not graphic or anything but its there. </p><p>This chapter is longest I've written, but I think it comes very full circle. It was based off of some of my emotions and things I've known friends to go through. I think it is cathartic in a way. Please let me know what you think. There are parts of this chapter that will play a big role later down the plot but I promise we are moving closer to happier times!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Oli broke his promise to Louis, he had called Harry later that night and told him how sad Louis was. He hated betraying Louis, but he was worried and he didn’t know who else to talk to. Harry was surprised at how worried Oli was, Oli didn’t usually worry but he could tell something was off as soon as he started talking. He explained what happened to Harry, and how Oli promised he wouldn’t call Harry but Harry agreed and rearranged his schedule and was going to fly back the next day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Oli” Harry said, he had dropped his bags in the living room and saw Oli sitting at the counter in the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Harry” Oli said looking up </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is he?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um not great” Oli said, closing his laptop. “Keeps shutting me out. Won’t talk to Fizzy, yelled at Lottie to leave him alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any idea what brought it on?” Harry asked, grabbing a water from the fridge </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jay’s anniversary’s coming up, but I don’t know if that’s the only reason to cause him to be this bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should’ve called me sooner” Harry said, annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He asked me not to, Harry. He’s had bad days before I didn’t know it was going to last this long” Oli said “Fizzy is a little better than him, I got her to eat a salad. That wasn’t happening with Tommo. El took her out today. But Louis and Fizzy had a fight and he hasn’t left his room since.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it wasn’t” Harry snorted about the salad</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got him a burger for when I made Fizzy’s salad but he didn’t want it”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not like him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I tried to respect what he wanted, but it’s been a few days and he’s only gotten worse. He made me promise I wouldn’t call you, but you’re the only one I could think of that he’d at least let stay in the room with him that wasn’t Cliff.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was he today?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The same I guess” Oli sighed. “He kept saying he would shower and come down but it never happened. Couldn’t get him to eat anything other than some toast and tea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish he would’ve told me how he was instead of brushing it off. I’m glad you called last night. I would've done everything to get here as soon as I knew he was that bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know what to do. He’s gonna be pissed I called you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright. I’m gonna go up and see him” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good luck” Oli said, waiving him off </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry quietly walked into Louis’ room and shut the door behind him. The sun was setting but Louis had his black out curtains closed and it looked like the middle of the night. Harry opened a handful of them just to get some light in there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Babe, I’m back” Harry said gently, sitting on the bed, next to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was on his side, one hand curled under his pillow and the other clutching his blankets. There was space between Louis and the edge and so Harry sat and put his hand on Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love it’s me, are you awake?” Harry asked, kissing his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew he was awake, but he didn’t want to startle him. He knew Louis was sad and was getting sadder. It seemed to come out of nowhere and Harry was worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry got up and went to the other side of the bed and climbed in behind Louis. Curling himself around his boyfriend, hoping to take some of his pain away. Harry could see the dry tear tracks on his cheeks. Harry wrapped his left arm around Louis and snaked his right arm under Louis’ head. He kissed Louis’ neck and cheek again and was hoping he could at least get him to say something to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry waited a few minutes and if Harry couldn’t see him blink and his chest rise and fall he’d be convinced Louis was dead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry laid there for a bit, telling him about his trip, softly singing to him and Louis made no effort to acknowledge that Harry was even in the same bed as him. Harry didn’t know if he should push harder or let him be. He thought maybe he should check on Fizzy and then go back to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll um, I’ll just let you be then.” Harry said sadly. He just wanted Louis to talk to him, to not go through whatever he was going through by himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went to untangle himself from Louis when Louis’ hand tangled in his, Harry’s hand now in a death grip. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t go” Louis croaked out. His voice was all raspy from crying and lack of use. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t” Harry said, hugging him tightly. “I won’t go anywhere, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t say anything else but Harry saw him squeeze his eyes shut again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww babe” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curled himself even further around Louis, he was pretty sure there wasn’t even air between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her” Louis whispered. It still came out choked and sad and Harry wouldn’t have heard him unless his head was right between Louis’ shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do, love. I know how much you miss her, but it’s okay to miss her” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s not” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not, Lou?” Harry asked gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Becuase the more I miss her the more it fucking hurts” Louis said, tears falling again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry sat up and leaned against the headboard and drug Louis up with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop it, Harry” Louis yelled, trying to fight Harry’s hands off him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, let me cuddle you” Harry said calmly and gently.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave in and curled up next to Harry. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ chest and shoulders and Louis buried his face in Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss her and it hurts and I don’t know how to get it to stop fucking hurting. I just want to stop fucking hurting.” Louis said, crying </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just sat there and hugged Louis and let him cry it out. Louis’ strangled sobs, became full on sobs and he kept pushing his head into Harry’s chest and was holding onto him like his life depended on it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cry as long as you need to, I’m right here, love.” Harry said kissing the top of his head. Harry gently rubbed his back and periodically kissed his head, not saying anything. Nothing he said would get through to Louis now anyway and Harry thought the best thing he could do for Louis was to just let him cry and get out whatever emotions he’d been burying down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry wasn’t sure how long it had been but it seemed like Louis had finally cried himself asleep. Harry wanted to get him to eat something, but Louis seemed like he’d cried himself to sleep and honestly Harry himself could do with a nap. He figured they both would feel better after some sleep so he got himself into somewhat of a lying down position and made sure Louis was cuddled safely next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you” Harry whispered, kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry had closed his eyes for a bit but he woke up really needing a wee. He tried to getly get Louis off of him, but he seemed to be holding onto him for dear life still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, I need a wee” He said, shaking Louis slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just snuggled into him and Harry wasn’t entirely sure he would be able to hold his pee much longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, seriously I need a wee” Harry said, running his hand through Louis’ hair to try and rouse him up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was finally awake and he grumbled but let Harry up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right back” Harry said, kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. He really wanted a shower but he didn’t really want to leave Louis. He wanted Louis to shower and eat, and he would change his sheets, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get Louis to do it. He wasn’t entirely sure how hard to push Louis tonight though. He had wet a flannel to give to Louis, hoping that would coax him out of bed, or at least would let Harry wipe his face. . </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited a few extra seconds and walked out of the ensuite back into Louis’ room. He was sitting up and hugging his pillow and Harry thought that was a step. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me wipe your face” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and Harry gently wiped the warm flannel on his face. Ending it with a kiss to his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I make you something to eat? Soup and a cheese toasty? I also think that you should shower, or take a bath. Could shower with me” Harry said rambling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanna sleep” Louis said quietly</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, you need to eat something. When was the last time you ate something?” Harry asked, rubbing his back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oli got burgers yesterday” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you didn’t eat yours” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Traitor” Louis said, knowing Oli filled Harry in on how he’d been feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, please let me help you.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we try a shower, love. Or do you want a bath?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanna sleep” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll feel better. And I’ll be right there with you. I’ll even give you a bath if you’re that tired.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just made a face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’not a fucking baby” Louis grumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, I just want to help you. I’d do anything for you, you know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing’s wrong with you, you’re still grieving.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re fine” Louis shot back. He knew using Harry’s own grief against him was a shitty thing to do but he was tired and agitated and fidgety and he didn’t know how to get it all out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I have days where I’m not fine. And it’s been almost a year. It’s stirring up a lot for you. She’s your mum Lou, you’ll probably always miss her but I’m not sure you’ve given yourself time to properly grieve her. Haven’t had much time for yourself this year, babe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It hasn’t been this bad since right after Freddie’s first birthday” Louis admitted sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay. It’s okay to have bad days and to not know why, but Louis you’re probably burnt out too, love. You’ve been working a lot and going back and forth to see Freddie and making sure Fizzy is staying on track. You need time for you too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, nice warm shower. Can cuddle in the shower, I’ll wash your hair for you. Or we can cuddle in a bath. I’ll use extra bubbles since you’re a child.” Harry smirked, hoping it would coax him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just wanna sleep” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can sleep after. Let me put fresh sheets and blankets on your bed. Always makes me feel better.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not up for anything” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, it’s just a shower. We’re being planet friendly and saving water.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave him a small smirk and Harry knew Louis was slowly letting him in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on love” Harry said, holding his hand out after he got out of bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went into the bathroom with Louis dragging behind him. He told him he needed a wee so Harry let him go in peace and got them some nice fluffy towels and clean clothes out. He started the water and waited for it to be warm enough. He got out of his own jumper and then got Louis out of his. It seemed like whatever energy Louis had gained, he used it all walking to the bathroom. Harry pushed his joggers down and took off his socks. It didn’t seem like Louis was going to move so he looked up to Louis who nodded and he pushed Louis’ boxers and joggers down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry got Louis fully naked and then drug him into the shower. Louis seemed shy and Harry just laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, I’ve seen it all before” Harry laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had taken their relationship slow again, but they had said I love as soon as they were back together. The physical side of their relationship had started about a month ago. But he knew Louis wasn’t up for anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and dropped his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry put his hands on Louis’ cheeks and then kissed him. “Love you, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded “Thank you, for being patient” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Always, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t realize what day it was, didn’t think you’d be back already” Louis said, staring at the bottles in the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I came back a bit early to see you. I got worried after I hadn’t heard from you and then yesterday I talked to Oli and he said that this had happened before but he thought you were worse. Then this morning he said you still couldn’t get out of bed. Said he was bringing you food and water but you wouldn’t even talk to him so I came back early.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t say anything, he just closed his eyes and looked down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, look at me. Please” Harry said gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally looked up through his eyelashes. He looked almost embarrassed or ashamed and that was the opposite of what Harry wanted him to feel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, it’s okay to need some help or need some time for yourself.” Harry said seriously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew Louis hated feeling sorry for himself or others to feel sorry for him, but sometimes that led to Louis trying to ignore his feelings. He sometimes missed the days Louis would be snappy or moody, like he was early on when he was tired. But Louis had learned how to tone it down until he couldn’t take it anymore. There were bits and pieces of how they were treated that still lingered in all their lives but Harry hated how Louis had learned to put everyone else above himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t even get meself in the fucking shower” Louis grumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m more than capable of taking care of you, so please let me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were going to bathe me like a fucking baby” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You like baths even if you refuse to admit it” Harry said easily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not you actually treating me like a child.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not Louis. I was just letting you know that if you didn’t think you could do it yourself I’d do it for you.” Harry said. He knew he had to be patient with Louis and sometimes he didn’t make it easy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry got the shampoo and squeezed some into his hands and then started to massage Louis’ head. Louis leaned into it and rested his cheek on Harry’s chest. Harry finished washing Louis’ hair and gave him a generous head massage. Louis poked his tummy and put his hand back on his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Babe, water’s gonna run cold if I massage your head any longer” Harry said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felt nice” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I still have to put conditioner in it so maybe you’ll get another” Harry said, kissing his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You um, you didn’t have to come back early” Louis said awkwardly. He knew he was being grumpy and now Harry was being all sweet and it made Louis feel worse. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Alright I’ll go back to the airport like this, see you in a few days” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis rolled his eyes but let Harry put him back under the spray.  Harry put his hand over Louis’ eyes as he rinsed out the conditioner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis ducked his head out, “You know most grown men know how not to get shampoo and conditioner in their eyes” Louis said, rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Suit yourself” Harry said, pouting and using both hands to rinse his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis smirked and it was the first smile Harry had gotten out of him since he had been back.  Harry massaged the conditioner in and took the flannel and put the body wash on it. He was washing Louis’ shoulders and when he got all of his tattoos he scrubbed a little harder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t get you clean love” Harry said, full serious face “Still have splotches all over your arms” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a dork” Louis said smiling again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please you wouldn’t want me any other way” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I wouldn’t” Louis said, kissing him. “I’ll finishing washing myself, we might not get out of here if you go any lower and I’m too tired” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said, handing Louis the flannel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He washed and conditioned his own hair in between taking the second flannel and showering himself.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for making me get a shower. I um I tried yesterday, but I made it to the bathroom and that was it. Sat on the toilet for about an hour until I had the energy to go back to bed.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His cheeks blushed like he was ashamed to admit it. Harry hated that he hadn’t been there, that Louis hadn’t told him he was this bad, that he needed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course” Harry said “All rinsed?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and Harry shut the water off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew Louis was feeling self conscious after admitting that so he decided to do something he knew would lighten Louis’ mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember the morning after the Brits? When Niall had his crutches?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis nodded</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember you had to help him shower since you didn’t have a seat in your shower for him to sit? And you told him you were just going to throw him some floaties to use?” Harry asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, got more of an eyeful of Niall than I ever anticipated.” Louis said, giving Harry a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall had tried himself, Louis was in the bathroom so he didn’t slip and screw his knee up again when Niall put a bit too much pressure on his knee and almost caused himself a panic attack. Louis had gone into the shower and wrapped his arms around Niall to steady him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you helped him shower” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was what, a month post op? Barely was allowed to stand on his leg” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I’m saying is he needed help and you helped him. Let me do the same for you” Harry said.  He grabbed the fluffy towels and wrapped one around Louis and then himself. He towel dried Louis’ hair and made it stick up in all directions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cheers, Haz” Louis said sarcastically </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still cute” Harry said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They dried off and got dressed and Louis sat back on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I change your sheets?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis climbed off the bed and went to the chair in his room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry grabbed the extras and remade the bed, using all the pillows Louis kept tucked in the closet because he didn't want to be bothered with them but Harry made it fancy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Lou, let me make you something to eat” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleep, bed looks comfy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please eat something, Lou. I’ll even bring it up to you if you want. You want ice cream for dinner. I'll get you that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry went over to the chair and sat on the arm of it, and kissed the top of Louis’ wet head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just trying to help.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry took Louis’ hand in his and rubbed his thumb over the back on his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat there for a little and Harry wasn’t sure what to do, he wanted Louis to eat but he knew how stubborn Louis is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of soup?” Louis asked quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any fucking kind of soup you want babe” Harry said kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think there’s only canned tomato soup” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I’ll make that or get you anything else you want” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got me, I’m right here” Harry said taking Louis’ face in his hands</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Scruffy love” Harry said when Louis’ beard tickles his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna shave?” Harry asked him, he knew Louis was temperamental with going between scruff and no scruff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine” Louis said, rubbing his hand over his jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, love” Harry said, getting off the chair and holding his hand out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis stood up and took Harry's hand. Harry pulled him closer and put his arm around Louis’ shoulders and kissed the side of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Proud of you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went into the kitchen where Fizzy and Oli were. As soon as Louis set foot in the kitchen, Fizzy ran up and hugged him. She accidentally knocked Louis off balance and Harry caught both of them and steadied them. Cliff and Bruce were freaking out and Harry caught Oli’s eye and nodded at him. Oli was much more hesitant around Harry once they got back together and Harry understood it, his best friend had gotten hurt, he always was supportive of them but Harry understood protecting your friends. They had an understanding now that they both wanted what was best for Louis and Oli knew calling Harry was the right decision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Fizz” Louis said, hugging her. “I’m sorry” he said, hugging her tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry too” Fizzy said, burying her face in Louis’ neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re okay” He whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna let the dogs out” Oli said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll start on the soup” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wanted to give them a few seconds, Harry knew one of them would fill him in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Fizzy asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so, just sad. Was feeling sad before I saw mum on the telly and I don’t know. I snapped. I’m sorry, love.” Louis said hugging her again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have known you wouldn’t have wanted to watch them” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do, I just. Was caught off guard I guess?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You promised you’d talk to me” Fizzy said, hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I just... didn’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard Harry snort from the pantry and he rolled his eyes. “Heard that” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh well” Harry called back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz is going to make soup and toasties, you want some?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please” Fizzy said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I know you don’t want to watch, but they help me. I guess I feel less lonely. I don’t know. But I can watch them in my room.” Fizzy said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think you can wait till tomorrow, I’ll watch some with you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Fizzy asked. Louis said it looking like he had a gun to his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I think it just surprised me and I was already sad. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know you girls all like watching them. Personally I think the ones from before 1998 are best” Louis said, giving her a small smirk</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to be a dick” Fizzy said laughing, knowing that’s when Lottie showed up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat on one of the stools in the kitchen and just put his head in his arms, Fizzy came and sat next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I get you anything?” Fizzy asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thanks” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry was working around, preparing their soup and toasties and Louis was doing his best to stay awake. Things hurt less when you’re asleep. Fizzy stayed with him, Oli and the dogs came back in and Oli fed them and got them water all without Louis moving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hadn’t even realized Fizzy had moved to the kitchen table until Harry was standing next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on love” Harry coaxed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and slid off the stool and collapsed into the chair at the kitchen table, Harry sometimes liked eating in the dining room but he was glad he didn’t have to move that far. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry set everyone's bowls in front of them and then put the plate of cheese toasties in the middle of the table. Fizzy told Harry how good it was and Oli agreed. She said they never ate as well when Harry was away and it was either Louis or Oli left to cook if she didn’t. Louis had a few spoonfuls of soup but mostly pushed it around the bowl. He had one leg tucked up on his chair and his chin was resting on his knee. He just wanted to go to sleep but no one seemed to care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’full” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, you hardly ate anything, just a bit more, yea.” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just pushed it around and looked at the toastie on his plate and it all just seemed like too much effort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you forgotten I have given an amazing airplane performance before” Harry said, giving him a look that he had no shame and would do it soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis gave him a small smile and nodded. He knew Harry was overly dramatic sometimes when they would feed Freddie. So he took a few more spoonfuls and nibbled on his sandwich. Fizzy ate some but not much and Louis was glad Oli picked up his slack and ate the other half of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had about enough socializing as he could manage for one night and really wasn’t hungry anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna go up and go to bed” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take care of your dishes” Fizzy said to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hugged her and went up to his room. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, he knew he needed to keep doing those things even if he was tired. He was no sooner under his blankets when Harry walked in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, babe?” Harry asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s phone started ringing as he climbed into bed behind Louis. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s Briana, love” Harry said, showing it to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I um. Yea” Louis said, he looked away sad and Harry could tell something was wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked, cuddling him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t talked to Freddie in a few days” Louis said, feeling his eyes water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No tears, babe. We can talk to him now” Harry said, kissing his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a fucking mess, he shoudn’t see that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry’s phone went off again and this time it was a slightly worried text from Briana asking if everything was alright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis I think Briana’s worried. I’ll just tell her you’re feeling a bit poorly” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should talk to him, shouldn’t abandon him” Louis said sadly, he fiddled with the blanket in his hands, they were shaking and he was willing himself not to cry again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not, you’re not feeling well. It’s okay” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up and rubbed Louis’ back. He was prepared for a moody Louis for a little but until he worked it out and finally told him what was wrong. He knew he’d been stressed and with his mum’s anniversary coming up he knew Louis was having a hard time, it was bringing back memories of things that happened like when she passed out and Louis was the only one there, and scarier stuff that Harry hadn’t realized Louis never dealt with. He hadn’t expected Louis to be this distant and quiet. He really just figured Louis would be clingy and randomly snap at him and then it would all come tumbling out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll talk to him, he likes me better anyway” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you try to talk to him, if you’re not up for it I’ll take the phone back” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again but he did sit up this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry used his phone to facetime them, he honestly had no idea where Louis’ was. Figured it was lost in the bed on or on the side table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harry what the hell is going on?” Briana said as soon as she answered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Briana” Harry said, trying to not escalate the situation. “Nothing’s going on” Harry said trying to be cheerful </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is Louis alright? Usually doesn't miss a day talking to Freddie. He didn’t answer, I was getting worried.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s just had a rough few days” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno, yea.” Harry said looking at Louis who was shaking his head.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay… Whatever that means. I’ve been calling him for like three days now, he hasn’t answered once and Freddie’s lost his shit the last two times.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry saw Louis flinch, that was a sure way to hurt Louis. He squeezed Louis’ shoulder and he saw Louis wipe his eyes.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis grabbed the phone from Harry and put himself on the screen. The lights were still on so she could still see him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Can you get Freddie?” Louis asked, voice coming out horse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sick? What’s going on? You look like shit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sick, just put Freddie on” Louis demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not until you tell me what’s going on. You just went missing for the last few days” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry” Louis said yelling</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re okay” Harry whispered, he reached for Louis’ hand but Louis snatched it away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you on something, seriously Louis you’ve been weird all week and now you’re not talking to Freddie? He knows how to miss you know, he knows when he doesn’t talk to you. Seriously what gives?” Briana asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I what? What the fuck Briana” Louis yelled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry held his hand out and Louis gave him back the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s just having a rough few days. He’s fine, I got him to eat today, we’re gonna go to sleep soon but I think he’d like to see Freddie first.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure he should see him?” Briana asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. I think seeing Freddie would be good for him. Give him a break, Briana. He’s okay. It’s almost his mum’s one year anniversary, go easy on him.” Harry said gently but still firm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He squeezed Louis’ thigh with the hand that didn’t hold the phone and Louis looked up at him, nodding that he did want to see Freddie. Harry handed him back the phone and Louis waited as Briana positioned it in front of him. Louis quickly wiped his eyes and made sure he didn’t look like he was about to cry his eyes out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi lad” Louis said, eyes lighting up when Freddie’s face popped up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you Freddie” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drew his knees up and propped his elbows on them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada, Iffy?” Freddie said looking around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think Cliffy’s taking a nap, lad. I’m sorry. I’ll put him on tomorrow so you can see him. Cliff misses you though.” Freddie said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss dada” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you too, miss you more than Cliffy does.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dada here” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea lad, I’ll be there to see you next week.” Louis said, knowing Freddie has no idea what that means. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me and Hazza and Cliff, we’re gonna come see you and have Christmas” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Freddie shouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s here too” Louis said laughing at how happy Freddie was to see Harry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Freddie” Harry said, Louis turning the phone towards him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haz” Freddie waved </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss you, Freddie. We’ll see you really soon” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna do all sorts of fun things together, lad.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye dada” Freddie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re done talking to me already?” Louis asked, giving him a small laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trucks go vroom” Freddie said, holding up a truck </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea they do, are trucks more important than daddy?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trucks” Freddie shouted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess so” Louis deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright Freddie, go play with your trucks. I love you” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love dada” Freddie said, smushing his face into the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you, so much. Can’t wait to give you a cuddle, love.” Louis said, voice watery. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye” Freddie said waving </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis heard Briana tell him to blow a kiss and Freddie blew him one so he gave one right back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bye Freddie” Louis said waving to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Briana” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time just let me know you’re not dead.” She said annoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it” Louis said, nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They hung up and Louis dropped his head and ran his fingers through his hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t believe I didn’t talk to him for a few days.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, you needed to take care of yourself.” Harry said, putting a hand on Louis’ neck. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis just shrugged and Harry hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I barley got out of bed to fucking wee, H.” Louis admitted, still staring at the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you did. Go easy on yourself right now” Harry said gently, rubbing his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna talk?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, can I ask you something?” Harry asked nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and looked up at Harry. Louis could tell he looked nervous all of a sudden. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, babe, there’s not like. Like you um, you haven’t felt this bad for a long time right? Like you haven’t had this many bad days or anything? You’re not in like a really bad place right?” Harry asked awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, um. I mean there’s days I still really miss me mum, but it hasn’t been this bad since March I guess.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t do anything um, like permanent, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck Haz, I’m not fucking suicidal, I’m just sad and tired.” Louis said, getting angry </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’m sorry.” Harry said hugging him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For fuck’s sake, Harry” Louis said trying to shrug Harry off him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just meant, it’s okay and you can talk to me.” Harry said nervously, but tried to stay calm </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, good. Do you want to talk?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO” Louis said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” Harry said, trying to get him to open up “You can’t just keep it all in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not keeping it all in and now anything I say you’re gonna think I’m fucking suicidal.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are keeping it all in, you’ve barely talked since I’ve been back” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well maybe you’re annoying me.” Louis shot back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I can go, or sleep in the guest room. I’ll do that, yea. My house will be cold from being away so I’ll just sleep in the guest room.” Harry said getting out of bed. He didn’t want to leave Louis but he also knew if he actually pissed Louis off, staying next to him in bed wouldn’t help.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis didn’t want him to go, but he really didn’t know what he wanted so he let Harry go to the guest room. He pulled his hood up and hugged his knees. He hated feeling like this and letting Harry take care of him didn’t help. Having Harry baby him only made him feel worse, he didn’t know how to verbalize everything going through his head.  Harry said he should talk but he didn’t know how. He angrily shoved his pillow and went to find Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went into his first guest room and no Harry, he went further down the hall and found him in one of the others. He quietly pushed over the door and saw Harry laying on his side, lamp lit, reading something. He went over to the bed and got in, putting his back to Harry but moving Harry’s arm so his head could lay on it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry tried not to laugh, because Louis was the most stubborn person he’s ever met. Louis still wanted to be mad at Harry, hence why his back was to him but the fact that he moved Harry’s arm so he could lay on it meant that he still wanted Harry with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My bed’s comfier than the guest bed you, dickhead” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry laughed out loud and moved closer so he could hug Louis. He draped his arm over Louis’ stomach and held him close. He kissed the back of Louis’ neck and tossed the papers he was reading to the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone kicked me out of that bed” Harry said, he tried to keep it light and joking, so Louis would know he wasn’t mad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never said to leave. I only said you were annoying me, which was the truth.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry rolled his eyes, “Alright we’ll I’m sorry I was annoying you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My bed is still comfier” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this you saying you want to go back to it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright boobear.” Harry said kissing his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just flipped him off and mumbled a move your arse, Harold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were back in Louis’ room and Harry wondered if he’d get kicked out again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis got right back into his bed and Harry went and brushed his teeth before following Louis to the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want some tea?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course, I’ll be right back” Harry said kissing him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was still sitting up, feet crossed under him, against the headboard. Harry sat next to him, not wanting to spook him if he tried to hug him. He placed their teas on each of the side tables to let them cool a bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have asked you that way, what was going on.” Harry said.  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis just snorted and rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just worried, you stopped answering, Oli said you weren’t doing well. You should have just told me you wanted me to come back earlier. I probably could have made it work.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I talk, are you going to think I’m suicidal?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alright and so apparently he wasn’t over that. Harry should have known Louis doesn't let things go that quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I just, you’ve been through a lot, Louis. And you were half catatonic when I came in. Sleeping all day, not eating, not drinking, none of that is normal or healthy. It was something that worried me when Oli called. He tried not to worry me, but I could tell he was worried and he doesn’t worry much. And Louis, I just... I don’t know. And what you said to me last year right after she died, it’s been stuck in my head ever since.” Harry said, his voice was shaky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was a few days after Jay’s funeral. Niall had left for Ireland earlier in the day. He hadn’t wanted to but his family was having a big party that he couldn’t miss. Liam and Harry were switching off on staying with Louis since he got back to London. He’d performed on the X-factor and then had gone to Donny. He wanted to go back to London for a few days before he went back for Christmas and his birthday. He and Dani had broken up, he left without Oli and Oli had called him and Liam asking if they could stay with him. Lottie had stayed with the rest of the kids and their grandparents and Dan in Donny but Louis needed some space. Liam had been there earlier in the day and as much as Harry didn’t want to spend the night at Louis’, Liam had something to do and Harry was the only option. He knocked on Louis’ door but there was no answer. Louis hadn’t talked to him since the funeral, Harry felt like he was being ignored and this was too much and too complicated. Robin had just been diagnosed and Harry wasn’t sure he could handle much more. But Liam made him promise that he’d stay with Louis. He rang the bell again and still no answer. Harry was beginning to wonder if he’d gone back to Donny or something. He called Louis’ phone and no answer. After ringing the bell relentlessly Louis finally opened the door. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harold?” Louis slurred </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And no he was going to kill Liam. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harold you don’t live here” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yea, clearly. Harry thought. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let me in Lou, it’s fucking cold out here” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not cold in here” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry suppressed any words that were about to come out and kinda just pushed past Louis into the house. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why are you here, Harold” Louis asked stumbling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because you need a friend” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are we friends? We can be friends. We were best mates, remember? But then we loved each other, remember?” Louis asked, asking Harry like they hadn’t dated and been in love or Louis broke his heart and then they hooked up the last few months of the band. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I remember” Harry said tightly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It didn’t end well” Louis said sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It was two years ago, Louis.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry really wanted to say no shit, you broke my heart when you broke up with me but he refrained. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was drunk off his arse and this wasn’t going to go well. He’d taken care of Louis more times than he could count when he’d drink far more than just being drunk from a night out. This was Louis drinking to forget his pain, forget what he’d seen his mum go through the last few months. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What are you drinking?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Al-co-hol, Harold” Louis said, as if Harry was a child and needed it spelled out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, Lou. What kind?” Harry asked gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lots of kinds” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry ran his hands through his hair, Louis was gone, he hadn’t seen Louis this drunk in a long time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You can have some” Louis said handing Harry a bottle of vodka </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um, are you chasing it with anything?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nope” Louis said, taking the bottle back and taking a nice big sip. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why don’t you have some water?” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t need that” Louis said walking into his kitchen. He somehow only managed to trip a handful of times. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Have you eaten anything?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“In my entire life?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry took a deep breath, he wasn’t up for this tonight. But the part of him that still loved Louis couldn’t leave him like this. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I meant today” He said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Payno was here. He was annoying, daddy direction was more like helicopter direction” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well I cook better than Liam” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You do” Louis slurred. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why don’t you have a seat” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harold, it’s empty” Louis said, holding the bottle of vodka in front of Harry’s face. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll get you more.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry knew he could replace it with water and Louis wouldn’t know the difference. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry got him a glass of water and looked around for electrolyte packets they used to have on tour. He dumped one into Louis’ glass and put it in front of him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Drink, Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He drank it and didn’t say anything about it not being vodka. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bacon butty?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mhmmm” Louis said nodding. He tried to get onto the stool in front of the island but he managed to slip off. Harry ran over and picked up him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’fine” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis can you sit here while I cook something?”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay” Louis said nodding </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry wanted to cry, seeing Louis like this was hard. Louis was their leader, he was always strong and he didn’t crack often. He always made sure the others were alright but it was rare Louis ever let any of them take care of him. And seeing Louis this drunk to numb his own pain was hard and just sad and broke his heart. He wasn’t sure if he should call his mum to come and help him take care of Louis. He was scared he wouldn’t be enough, that him being here would make Louis worse. Louis had leaned on him heavily the last several months, and they both thought that they could have a friendship outside of the band now. He had been taking them all food and also visiting Jay. But Louis didn’t seem to acknowledge him when he was really sad or having a rough time dealing with Jay’s illness. Harry only got late night video calls and talking Louis down in closets in the hospital when he’d go to visit.   </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dani and I broke up” Louis slurred, breaking Harry out of his thoughts. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry Louis” Harry said. He wasn’t surprised, Louis had told him they had been drifting apart and the stress of being a new dad and his mum being ill had been taking a toll on their relationship.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You wanna know why?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s not you, Hazza” Louis said. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He got off the bar stool he was on, stumbling around and Harry was sure he was going to crack his head open before the end of the night. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Harry said. He grabbed Louis’ hips steadying him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s not Hazza. You’re Hazza, my Hazza.” Louis slurred, wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis away from the stove” Harry said, knowing Louis around a stove was always dangerous, but a drunk Louis was even worse.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry got him over to the couch and placed another water in front of him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll bring it over” Harry said, making sure he didn’t start a fire.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry finished making them food and went over and sat next to Louis. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Eat up, Lou” Harry said, handing him a plate. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good Haz” Louis said shoving half in his mouth </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t choke on it” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why are you here?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I told you, you needed a friend tonight. And I make a great bacon butty.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Happy you came” Louis said yawning. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They finished their sandwiches and Louis started falling asleep. Harry noticed and took the plate from him and tried to nudge Louis awake. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on Louis, go to bed” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come with me” Louis said, making grabby hands </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis…” Harry said. He knew Louis had no idea what he was saying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Cuddles” Louis pouted. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry took a deep breath and nodded. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let's get you to bed” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not even late” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you know what time it is?” Harry asked him, trying not to laugh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck o’clock?” Louis said giggling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry started laughing. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Definitely not”  Harry said. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, time to go to bed.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please” Louis said, still making grabby hands. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry nodded and picked Louis up. He had one arm under Louis’ shoulders and the other under his knees. He was concerned with how light Louis felt. He could tell he’d lost weight but Louis just sank into him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, Lou” Harry said softly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was already asleep in his arms and Harry figured that was for the best. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had been successful in getting water into Louis so hopefully that would help. He tucked Louis into bed and put a bin next to him because he wasn’t entirely sure how much he drank. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He grabbed an extra duvet and curled up in the chair. He didn’t want to overstep and get in the same bed but he didn’t want Louis to be alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry felt like he’d just closed his eyes when they shot open and saw Louis throwing up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Harry said, going over to him. Louis had gotten sick in the bed before he found the bin. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis looked at him very confused and was about to ask him what happened when he started throwing up again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re okay” Harry said, rubbing his back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis finished and leaned against the bed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up” Harry said softly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis just nodded and held onto his stomach. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t feel good” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know” Harry said. He was still soft and gentle because Louis hadn’t a clue what happened and now his pain was coming back, along with the pain of being drunk. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I got you” Harry said. He helped Louis stand up and held on to him as he got him in the bathroom. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t leave me?” Louis pleaded </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry looked at how sad he looked, Louis just hung his head. He knew this wasn’t fair to Harry, he felt like shit. He wanted to be alone, he didn’t want Harry to see him like this but he knew he couldn’t be alone, that he’d start to cry and never stop. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won’t. I promise” Harry said seriously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis crouched in front of the toilet and Harry steadied him just in time. Harry crouched behind him and rubbed his back and made sure his fringe was out of the way. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Think you can manage a shower? I’m going to clean up” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Think so” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He seemed slightly more with it, and Harry felt like he could leave him in the bathroom. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll bring you clean pants” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis nodded and brushed his teeth and got in the shower once Harry had started it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry first got him some pants and pajamas and then a t-shirt. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He opened the window in Louis’ room and started cleaning up. He had finished when Louis still hadn’t come out of the bathroom. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis” Harry said walking in. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mhmm” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was leaning against the shower wall, half asleep. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Did you use shampoo and stuff?” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, let’s get you out then.” Harry said shutting off the water. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He got Louis out of the shower and as he went to reach for the towel Louis started crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because Harry shouldn’t be cleaning up and taking care of him, because he hurt Harry and now Harry’s doing all of this for him and Louis couldn’t do it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s gone, she’s fucking gone Harry” Louis said crying.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, I know” Harry said rushing to hug him. He didn’t care that Louis was getting him all wet. He wrapped a towel around Louis’ waist and then draped another towel over Louis’ shoulders to try and keep him somewhat warm. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let’s get you dry and warm, yea.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want to feel like this, Harry I can’t feel like this” Louis said crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry hugged him tight and held on to him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, Lou. Just let it out. I’ve got you. But we should get you warm” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis sniffled and nodded and Harry just dressed him when he made no effort to do it himself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m so sorry” Harry said, hugging him tight. Louis just stood there, arms clutching onto Harry, crying. Harry cupped the back of Louis’ head to him and just held him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He eventually stopped crying long enough to get Louis back into his bed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’sorry Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Stay?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, I can do that” Harry said nodding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He grabbed one of Louis’ shirts and put it on, since Louis had gotten his all wet. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“When did you get here?” Louis asked him as he got into bed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ve been here since five” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Times’ it now?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Two am” Harry said, checking his phone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck, M’sorry” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t be sorry” Harry said seriously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why are you here? Sorry I don’t remember much” Louis said shaking his head</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Liam had something else to do tonight and he didn’t want you to be alone. You were already drunk when I got here” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re hurting, Louis. It’s okay. You don’t have to keep apologizing.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you think that...for tonight….Um” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What Lou?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can I have a cuddle?” Louis asked in a small voice. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He looked like he could have been five for seventy five. He looked like a scared little kid, but also like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“God, of course” Harry said. He curled his body around Louis and pulled him closer to him.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course, Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry woke up and saw it was barely seven am. Louis wasn’t in bed next to him. He wasn’t in the ensuite and Harry was worried. He heard it was raining against the windows and it was cold. He stole one of Louis’ hoodies and tugged it on and tried to find Louis. He couldn’t find him anywhere, but the kettle was out, along with another mug and spoon. He looked around but still didn’t see Louis. He saw something move outside and he went over to the glass door. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was curled on the lounger outside in the rain. Harry’s heart broke because that was about as sad a scene he could imagine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” Harry asked walking out</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis made no acknowledgment and Harry grew concerned. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou?” Harry said touching his shoulder</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Jesus you scared me” Louis said jumping</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry could see he had been crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s freezing and raining. What are you doing?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis looked up at the sky like he didn’t even know it had been raining. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry sat next to Louis on the outdoor sofa and saw Louis clenching the mug in his hand. Harry took it from him and took a sip. He really just wanted to make sure there wasn’t any alcohol in it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you cold?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t feel much of anything” Louis shrugged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Harry said gently, trying to cuddle him again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s gone, Harry” Louis said quietly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know” Harry said nodding </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I miss her” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you do. I know how close you were with her.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He saw Louis’ hands were shaking and Louis started crying harder. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I wish it was me instead. It should have been me” Louis cried. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That admission scared the shit out of him, how broken Louis looked. He loved Louis, he always would. He hoped in some life they got to be happy together forever, he hoped it would be this life. And selfishly that couldn’t happen if it had been Louis.   </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No.” Harry said shaking him. “Do you hear me. It shouldn’t have been you. Jay wouldn’t have wanted that, Louis.” Harry said. He put the mug down and hugged him tightly. He was pretty sure they both were crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It should have been me, I fuck everything up. My sisters, my brother, they need her more than they need me. They need their mum. I need my mum. It should have been me, Harry. It should have been. Why couldn't it have been me?” Louis cried.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“NO. No, okay. It shouldn’t have been you. Your siblings, Freddie, me and the boys. Especially me. We all love you, we all need you. So no Louis, it shouldn't have been Jay. But it shouldn’t be you either.” Harry said crying</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But I can’t do it without her” Louis sadi, tears slipping out of his eyes </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you, Louis” Harry said, he kissed the side of Louis’ head. He knew this wasn’t the right thing to do but he needed Louis to know how much it would kill him if anything happened to him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you hear me. You can’t…you need to stay. Your siblings need you to teach them just as your mum would. Freddie needs you to teach him all about his grandma Jay. Okay? Louis we all love you, we all need you. Don’t you ever fucking say that.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’sorry” Louis mumbled </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you need me to take you somewhere? Where you can get help? I can. Or I can stay, just promise me Lou? Please fucking promise me that you won’t do anything.” Harry pleaded, wiping his eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis shook his head no. But he took a deep breath and looked down. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Before you came over, I thought I could just keep drinking and not wake up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“NO. Don’t you fucking say that” Harry yelled at him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But you came. And I don’t know. It didn’t seem like such a good idea. And I don’t think that I drank enough for it to do anything. I had brief thoughts but they were brief.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Beucase you’ve done some fucking stupid things but that would have been your fucking stupidest. Do you hear me? Do you know what would have happened if I had gotten here and you were dead? It would have killed me Louis.” Harry was shouting and he didn’t care. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I…” Louis said, starting to cry again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know how much you hurt right now? How you don’t know what to do or how anything will ever be okay again. But please, don’t go anywhere on me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won’t. I’m sorry” Louis said, crying. He hugged Harry tight and buried his face in Harry’s chest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry didn’t know if these were the right things to say or do, guilting someone into living but if it got the point across then Harry didn’t really care. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t remember much. I kinda remember you getting here. I think. And then I remember you holding a plate of something. And I realized it was good you came over. Because I didn’t want to die, I felt like it but it’s not what I wanted. I thought about how much it would hurt my sisters and brother. And I couldn’t leave Freddie. And you were there and you weren’t mad at me. And you held my hand as I ate. And I don’t know….” Louis said still crying </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry hugged him even tighter. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know it hurts Lou. I know but please just stay here with me. With all of us. I know it’s stupid when poeple say the oh they wouldn’t want that. But Jay, she wouldn’t Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know. She made me promise her that I’d look after my siblings and tell Freddie all about her. And when I got close to the bottom of the bottle I realized I couldn’t break that promise.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can you promise me, that anytime you have those thoughts you’ll call me. It doesn't matter what time or the last time we talked? Just promise me that, please. Louis you’re so good, and so loved and I would fucking miss you. So please…” Harry pleaded </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won’t think of it again I promise….But thank you for being there last night.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always Louis. I’m always here for you” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis wiped his eyes and it was like he realized it was raining for the first time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How long has it been raining?” Louis asked looking up </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um, I think before you came out here. You were sitting in the rain when I came out” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh” Louis said looking down. “It’s kinda cold” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea it is” Harry said, laughing “Let’s get in and get warm.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis nodded and Harry stood up, helping Louis up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you” Louis said hugging him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course, Lou. I know things are different between us, but you always have me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Goes both ways, H” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know” Harry said nodding “Now we should go in and get cleaned up. And your tea is going to taste like rain water.” Harry said pointing to the mug.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis let out a laugh and grabbed the mug of the table. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I wouldn’t have gotten through last night without you. Thank you”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been fucking terrified of you calling me beucase you promised me you’d call me if you felt like that, but you never did and I didn’t know if you just weren’t telling me or whatl. And I’ve been scared to get a call telling me you broke that promise and didn’t call me.” Harry admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. Harry. I never meant to scare you that night. I just, like I said it was brief that I thought it should have been me.” Louis said seriously “I don’t think I would have done anything that night. I was too drunk. But I know why you were scared. That night still scares me. That I even thought that.” Louis admitted </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’d like to think if I ever got to that place that I would remember that promise and call you” Louis said. He took Harry’s hand in his, he could see how scared Harry was and Harry carrying that around for a year had to have been hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I meant it Louis, I’d never be the same” Harry said, getting emotional. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you” Harry said, he hugged Louis tight, squeezing him as hard as he could. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not suicidal, Haz. I’m alright” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just. When Oli said that, all I could think was coming home and you wouldn’t be here.” Harry said, tears now spilling out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t do that to you or my siblings. I know how angry I was when mum died and she had no say in the matter, I can’t imagine how angry I’d be if you willingly left me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“People don’t think of that when they are in that state” Harry said sadly  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess not. But I still think I would have remembered that promise to you, that if meant a lot that you put everything else aside that night and stayed with me. It was right after Robin was diagnosed, wasn’t it?” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.” Harry said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would have remembered that promise no matter what” Louis said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That makes me feel better” Harry admitted  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for not telling you how I felt” Louis said looking down </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s okay. I should have known something was up sooner. I just… I get scared, after that night that something could happen. Something that I could’ve helped you with...” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t Harry. I can promise you that.” Louis said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I was feeling bad before I saw Fizzy watching the old stuff and that just, I dunno, made it worse.” Louis said, moving past that night almost a year ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You went through something traumatic only a year ago, I think it’s normal you would be remembering all that.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like weird flashbacks to her having a hard time breathing, or being sick because of the medication. I hadn’t thought about those bad days, but it’s like they are stuck in me fucking head when I see the date.” Louis said shaking his head</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You released your two singles and did promo for them, then you kinda just ended up going right into the end of November and beginning of December. Think you burnt yourself out love, trying to ignore what was coming.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked over at Louis who nodded and Harry saw a few tears run down his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought that if I just kept working it’d be fine, like I wouldn’t remember. I was worried about Fizzy, so I made Oli and El basically not leave her alone. And I thought if I distracted it wouldn't hurt as much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, you’re great at taking care of everyone. But you’re shit at it when it comes to you” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me you were starting to have a hard time when I was away?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were away, figured you had to stay. No point in stressing you out.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would have done whatever to come back, you should know that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, I know you’re not good at opening up anymore but at least talk to me. Please. I’ll hold you and you can cry, can go box it out if you pissed, go find some plate smashing place. Could always have sex.” Harry said, laughing at the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’ll take plate smashing” Louis smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dickhead” Harry said, kissing the side of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis put his head on Harry’s shoulder and hugged him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feels like if I start crying again, I’ll never stop. That’s partly how I felt last year too.” Louis admitted after a deep breath </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You felt that way before and you got through it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis looked up at the ceiling and blinked. Harry shifted around and, pulled the blankets further up on them and took Louis’ hand in his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take your time, love” Harry said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis let out a shuddery breath, like he needed all of his energy to say his next sentence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a whole year without her. A whole fucking year of me siblings growing up without her, a whole year of her not being in Freddie’s life. A year without getting a cuddle or talking to her. And I miss her so much. And it hurts, Haz and I don’t know how to make it not hurt. But I need it to stop hurting.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice was high and tight and Harry didn’t know why he was still fighting his emotions. He took both of their mugs and put them on the side table. Louis made a noise when Harry let go of his hand, so as soon as he placed the mugs down, he took it right back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It feels like so long without her, like I can’t remember how she sounded or what she smelled like. Or what her hugs felt like. And that fucking terrifies me, that I’ll forget. And it feels like too much fucking effort to get up everyday knowing that and it takes a lot less effort to stay in bed.” Louis said sobbing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry felt himself getting teary and eventually he got Louis to turn for a hug and Harry held him as tight as he could. He could feel Louis’ holding onto the back of his t-shirt and his tears wetting his neck and shirt. Louis was shaking and sobbing and Harry knew he’d been keeping everything in too long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let it all out, Louis. I got you.” Harry said, kissing the top of his head. “I don’t think you could ever forget her, Fizz looks so much like her. You bought all your sisters her favorite perfume, get one for yourself and when you really miss her just spray it, maybe it’ll help comfort you a little. Your mum gave amazing hugs, just like you. They make people feel loved and protected, you learned from the best, babe.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was still crying and Harry wasn’t sure what else to do besides just be with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe watching those videos will help, remind you so you know you’re not forgetting.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt Louis shrug and Harry just hugged him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re scared to not have her, but you did alright this year, she’d be proud of you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got fucking arrested” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, one slip up and it all worked out and that wasn’t even your fault. Don’t be so hard on yourself. And you did work through some of that initial pain, you took it one day at a time. That’s all you need to do now. There’s a lot of emotions and everything right now, but you got through almost a year and you’re all doing okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and stayed curled in Harry’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just miss her so much, Haz” Louis said, voice cracking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you do” Harry said, kissing the top of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to be strong for me, love. If you won’t talk to a professional, will you at least talk to me?” Harry asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and that was progress as far as Harry was concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So many times I just wanted to call her, I’d pull her contact up on me phone and I swear it was like I’d fucking forget” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told her everything, Lou. It’ll take time for her to not be the first person you’d call.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just really wish I could talk to her sometimes. The day we got back together, she was the only person I wanted to call.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She always believed in us” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s the one that told me I even liked you” Louis said, giving him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad she did” Harry said, kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I was expecting how I felt last year to all come back” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you were trying to avoid it and instead you crashed right into it” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis let out a wet laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like that you were always proud to be a mummy’s boy. That no matter what we achieved, she was always the person you called first. Always reminding us to call our own mums.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mums are important” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of mums, mine wanted me to tell you that she was worried about you again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I ignored her too” Louis said, putting his head down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, she only wanted you to come up and visit because she knew you would be having a hard time. She’s not mad, just worried. But Gems got ahold of Oli and he just said you weren’t up for it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not mad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At you? Never” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne always did like me best” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wiped his eyes and felt a bit better after talking to Harry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just poked Hary in the stomach and Louis motioned for his tea. They finished their teas and Louis kept yawning so they shimmied down in bed and turned off their side table lights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Louis. Just let me in every one in a while, yea” Harry said cuddling him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, Haz. I’ll try, I promise. I’m sorry I got this bad.” Louis said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you think you can’t go to your sisters with how you feel but you can always come to me. I’ll always listen, or let you cry. Sometimes you just need a good cry, let it all out. And you don’t have to apologize for how you’re feeling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Haz.” Louis said, he knew there was truth to what Harry was telling him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was about to turn to cuddle Harry when he felt Harry’s chest go into his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna cuddle you tonight, seemed like you needed to be the little spoon.” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes but kissed Harry as he got comfortable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get some sleep, Lou. I’ve got you” Harry said, kissing the back of his head. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis held onto Harry’s hand that was around his stomach and felt a sense of calm he hadn’t felt in a few days. He missed his mum but Harry was right, they all got through the year and despite some bumps, they were doing okay. It didn’t mean he loved her or missed or any less. Maybe he was starting to believe his Nan that she was always with him, it brought him a sense of calm that it hadn’t before. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Harry had woken up before Louis which wasn’t a surprise. Louis was never a morning person. They usually didn’t wake up wrapped around each other, they both liked to sprawl out and Harry never understood how Louis always took up so much space. He kissed his cheek and pulled the covers up and went for a wee. It was chilly so he climbed back under the covers and was scrolling through his phone on social media. He was on twitter and it was the usual stuff about them, about their individual fans plotting all the boys against each other. But he stopped scrolling when he saw that Jay was trending, Lottie had posted a picture of them all when Daisy and Phoebe couldn’t have been more than a few months old. But now Jay was trending and people were talking about her anniversary, which was tomorrow. That was definitely something he knew Louis did not need to wake up to. He was much quieter on social media these days, especially posting pictures. Harry still looks back on how much they used to share on social media, especially Twitter in the early years of the band. It wasn’t until 2013 when they started to be a little more guarded. He wondered if he could hide Louis’ phone and make it seem like Cliff stole it for a little. He had a warning text from Lottie, saying that she hadn’t been able to sleep and was looking through photos and just posted it since they were all making funny faces. Louis still seemed dead asleep so Harry went down to make them some tea and let the dogs out. It was still somewhat early and no one else was awake yet either. He put the kettle on and grabbed his coat and a handful of toys for Cliff and Bruce and headed outside. They were excited to see him and he cuddled them for a moment until they were nudging at the toys in his hand and running away. It was cold and he didn’t want to keep them out too long so he headed back in with them and made his tea and called for them to follow. Bruce seemed content in his dog bed but Cliff followed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Cliffy, let’s go cheer your dad up” Harry said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put Louis’ tea on his side table and climbed back in bed. Cliff jumped up, and settled next to Louis. Louis’ hand instantly reached out, but he still didn’t wake up. Harry pet Cliff and sipped his tea and eventually Cliff decided it was time for Louis to wake up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’sleepin Hazza” Louis mumbled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just smirked and was gonna see how long it took Louis to figure it out. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Go ‘way, H” Louis said rolling over </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could tell Louis was mostly awake and so when Cliff liked Louis’ face, it took everything in him to not laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gross, H” Louis said, annoyed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cracked open an eye and saw Cliff half on top of him and his boyfriend sitting up in bed, smirking and sipping his tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice to know you haven't’ started slobbering yet, love” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning, love” Harry said, still smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cliff, you clumsy oaf. Thanks for me tea, Cliffy” Louis said snuggling his dog. Louis took his mug and wrapped his hands around it, nice and hot. He took some small sips all while praising Cliff for making such a good cuppa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew Harry would pout and as soon as he swallowed his tea he started to pout. Louis just smirked but kept praising Cliff. Cliff was happily pet by Louis and he put a paw on Harry’s leg. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you want Harry to cuddle us? Smart Cliff” Louis said, looking at Harry who just snorted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Harry didn’t immediately cuddle them he turned his attention back to Cliff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know Cliffy, guess he doesn't love us. I’ll always cuddle you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You big baby” Harry said laughing. He set his tea down and wrapped his body around Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning, Lou” Harry said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis kissed him back and let himself be cuddled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning, Hazza” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How you feeling, babe?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shrugged and Harry rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, not quite as bad. Cuddles from Cliff help” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, Cliff” Harry said giving him a look </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least I get a maybe, right Cliffy?” Harry said, petting him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For as cuddly as Harry and Louis both were, Clifford was the worst out of all of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I slept better last night” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Harry said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis seemed awkward and Harry kissed him again but it didn’t change anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, what is it?” Harry asked gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry you had to see me that way” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, look at me” Harry said, hooking his chin over Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis shifted and looked at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve seen you all sorts of ways. I’ve seen you excited and happy and homesick and nervous and sick and tired and drunk and messily drunk and emotionally drunk and just regular emotional and moody and goofy and happy and pissed off and scared and angry and when you have lost the plot and when you’re honry….” Harry said before Louis cut him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you quite finished” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, and I’ve seen you when you’re all cute and sleepy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Harold” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’ve seen all these sides of you and I love you regardless so never apologize for letting me see you be vulnerable and sad.” Harry said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just blushed and looked away. Harry thought it was the cutest thing ever when he could still make Louis blush. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I know you have a hard time with that, that you think you have to protect everyone around you, but just let me in sometimes, love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Harry said kissing him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could start by not tensing up when I kiss you” Harry said, wondering what was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just groaned and flung an arm over his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cliff barked and Louis just said “Cliff” and he stopped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t just last night when I said I wasn’t up for anything more” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Harry asked, confused. He wouldn’t have tried anything with how upset Louis was last night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tired of talking” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry snorted because Louis used to never shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s kinda embarrassing love” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I need to go through all the ways I’ve seen you, because I’ve definitely seen you embarrass the shit out of yourself” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dickhead” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Harry asked seriously </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Last year when mum got really bad and I was going back and forth between Donny and LA sometimes Dani came along and because I was being a dickhead and wouldn’t talk she thought maybe sex would work. But there was too much going on in me head and I um….yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not...Oh” Harry said, trying to hide his smirk </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Laugh and you’ll lose the ability to get hard, Styles.” Louis threatened </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a perfectly normal problem, love” Harry said, kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off” Louis said, groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They make pills for that” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Attack, Cliff” Louis said pointing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cliff moved over to Harry but just laid in his lap and licked his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea Lou, so scared I shit my pants” Harry deadpanned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry waited for Louis to be less red but that didn’t seem to be happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um is it still a problem?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis still wasn’t answering and Harry didn’t see what the big deal was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, I’m serious. It doesn’t matter, it happens. Or I mean I could take it as a challenge” Harry said cheekily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are we still talking about this” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it happened every once in a while back when we were on tour and things were too hard or we were too angry and tired. Sometimes there’s just too much else going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea it happened to you like once, happened to me a few times” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I am younger” Harry said giggling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, I’m going to kick you out of this bed” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you had a lot going on then. It’s okay, it happens Lou and if it were to happen now. It would be okay too. You should know I’d never make you feel bad about that. And I know for a fact you’ve been hard since then so it clearly went away.” Harry said. They had slowly restarted that, wanting to make sure that it wasn’t the only thing they missed but it obviously wasn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t really wanna test it out” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay” Harry said “Does that mean you want me to stop kissing you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis said shaking his head</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said kissing Louis deeply </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would have turned into a full on snog but Cliff made his presence known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just promise me that if it continues you’ll tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My softness or sadness” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both” Harry said, letting out a laugh “But I think both will be okay. I’ll make sure of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis sat up and started to drink his tea. It was a bit cooler than he liked but it had been sitting there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really love you” Louis said, putting his head on Harry’s shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really love you too, Lou” Harry said, resting his head on top of Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed like that for a bit, just drinking their teas in a comfortable silence. Harry’s back was starting to hurt from the way he was sitting but he didn’t want to rush Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, back hurts a bit” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, sorry” Louis said moving away from him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should probably get up” Harry said, looking at his watch </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged, his energy seemed to come and go and right now he had none. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could take another shower together” Harry said cheekily </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head no. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Could take a bath” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do all your options end with me naked and wet, Styles?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno” Harry said shrugging, but smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want you to feel better” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I appreciate that. And you just being here helps” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Harry said, kissing his cheek “I do think we should get up” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shrugged again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Babe, it worries me that all you want to do is hide in your room” Harry said seriously. He took Louis’ hand in his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. And I’m sorry.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can make you anything you want to eat. You could try watching some films with Fizzy. I think she was excited to watch them with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I’m ready for that, yet” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Then we can wait till your ready” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and laid down again. Harry curled around him and Louis lifted his head and put it on Harry’s arm. Harry wrapped his other arm around Louis’ stomach and just held him close. He slipped his fingers under his jumper and t-shirt and lazily drew patterns on his stomach. He could feel Louis getting heavier, which meant he was probably asleep again. He looked down and Louis’ eyes were closed and it seemed like Harry was gonna be stuck like this for a while. He hated seeing Louis this sad. He’d seen him sad before, obviously. But he never really let anyone see him this sad after his mum died. Lottie had told him that there were a few days where Louis barely left his room and it worried him but he seemed to have gotten better, but they were right back there. He wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t know how hard to push Louis. Instead he just laid there quietly, slowly dragging his hand up and down Louis’ side to comfort him. It had been almost another hour and Cliff had woken up. Harry’s stomach was growling and he wasn’t sure how Louis couldn’t hear it. Cliff jumped off the bed and was inspecting the room, but he kept going back to the door and Harry knew he wanted out. Harry carefully slipped out from underneath him and took Cliff downstairs. He saw Oli outside with Bruce and his coffee and Fizzy was eating some fruit in the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Fizz” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning” Fizzy said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not coming down again, is he?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I think he will, he fell back to sleep after his tea.” Harry said, not wanting to lie to her </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he okay?” Fizzy asked him, eyes wide </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so” Harry said honestly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he did think Louis was okay, it was just a rough time and Louis was allowed his grief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he’s having flashbacks and memories of the last few days your mum was in the hospital. I’m not sure that he ever really processed everything himself” Harry said awkwardly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Fizzy’s issues, Harry knew Louis wanted to protect her and he didn’t want to make her worry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m scared” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could see the fear in her eyes, she looked pale and tired and he really hoped she hadn’t started using again. He knew how terrified Louis was of that and he didn’t think he could handle that again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Harry said  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his arms wide and tightly wrapped them around Fizzy. He had known her since she was eleven and felt very protective of her. Fizzy wrapped herself around Harry and hoped that he was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your brother is stubborn and he’s not always the best at talking about what’s wrong, but I don’t think he’s anything more than sad. He just really misses her right now.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Fizzy sniffled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you go up and give him a cuddle and I’ll get started on breakfast. If there’s a way to get his ass out of bed it’s with bacon” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy laughed and agreed and went to splash some water on her face before she went to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had woken up and when he opened his eyes his boyfriend and dog were both missing. He was lonely but wasn’t quite ready to get out of bed yet. He answered a few texts, mostly Liam and Niall making sure he was okay. He was scrolling through social media when he wondered why he had so many notifications. It was a lot more than usual and his chest pounded that Harry got caught going into his house the night before or something. But what he found, made his chest hurt anyway. His mum’s name was trending along with other hashtags about him and his family. Seems like Lottie had posted an old photo and it blew up. Some people were saying that he should talk about it more, some were saying that she was using their mum’s death for attention, there was the usual shitshow of social media but also people seemed to be debating whether or not he or his siblings should be talking about his mum’s anniversary tomorrow. He didn’t want to deal with this, he felt himself panic a little. No one should tell him how to deal with this. He felt his chest tighten again and a few tears spill onto his pillow. He felt like he couldn’t talk and couldn’t call out for Harry. He was trying to remember how to breathe when he heard footsteps. They sounded too light to be Harry’s and the next thing he knew his sister was sitting next to him, eyes wide and panic written all over her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, Louis what’s wrong?” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to tell her but only a sob came out. He felt her hug him but he felt like he couldn’t move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, Louis. What happened? What’s wrong?” Fizzy asked. She was hugging him and shaking him to try and get him to answer her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like she was spinning around him, gesturing wildly and talking fast. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard her yell for Harry. He could feel her arms around him but that was it. The next thing he heard was a thud and he was pretty sure Harry yelled but then Harry was sitting next to Fizzy and his head was spinning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, slightly out of breath as he sat on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know he was panicking when I came in and then just started sobbing and he won’t talk” Fizzy said, she had tears in her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got him, go make sure the bacon doesn’t burn” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy sat there and Harry pointed and calmly told her to go to the kitchen. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Harry waited until Fizzy was out of the room. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Louis” He said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was still curled on his side and Harry climbed over him to sit on the side of the bed, so he could see Louis’ face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, are you with me?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis focused on Harrys’ slow, steady voice and nodded because that was the first thing he was able to hear clearly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. I’m right here, Lou. Take your time” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned down to kiss Louis and pushed his fringe off his sweaty forehead. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Harry had one hand on Louis’ hip and the other in Louis' hand. He knew he had to be patient, but he hadn’t seen Louis have a panic attack since March so he was a little worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon enough Louis’ breathing started to even out and his tears stopped. Harry brushed his thumb under Louis’ eye to get rid of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey” Harry said, kissing his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis tried to talk but his mouth felt too dry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hold on” Harry said, he got him a small cup from the bathroom and filled it with water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He helped Louis sit up and held the bottom of the cup as he drank, since Louis was still shaky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Harry asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both were sitting on the edge of the bed now and Harry had one arm wrapped around his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What caused it, do you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and handed Harry his phone. Harry scrolled through and mentally kicked himself that he forgot to tell Louis about Lottie’s post. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we just stay off social media, yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz okay?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice came out broken and raspy and he coughed a few times, Harry pushed his hand away and started to massage his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea she’s okay. Worried about you, um, she was the one that found you. She let out this scream so I came running” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, don’t be sorry” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’all sweaty” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry stood up and popped Louis’ jumper and t-shirt over his head. He went back to rubbing Louis’ chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hurts” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry kissed the center of his chest which only earned him a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not Freddie, kisses don’t fix everything” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My kisses do” Harry said, kissing his chest and then his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis dropped his head to Harry’s shoulder and Harry ran his fingers through Louis’ hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do for you, love?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I need another shower” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said standing up. “I also was in the middle of making breakfast. I left your sister in charge of the bacon. Um so don’t take too long.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come with me?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry couldn’t say no, not when Louis looked like that. He nodded and they both went into the bathroom. Louis went for a wee and Harry turned the water on. Harry stepped in first, followed by Louis. Harry put Louis’ shampoo in his hands and started on Louis’ hair. It must have taken him by surprise since he let out a low moan. He massaged Louis’ head and then washed his own. They went quick with the rest of their shower since neither of them really trusted Fizzy with breakfast by herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel a little better?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, thanks” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They got their towels and dried off. They dressed quickly and Louis figured another day of stubble wouldn’t hurt anything. Louis looked like he was contemplating whether or not he wanted to leave his room but Harry held his hand out and Louis took it, following him downstairs and to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh gross, seriously. I’m making breakfast and you two shower together” She said rolling her eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a shower” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea sure” Fizzy said, cringing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fizz come here” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still grossed out by you two” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry about that, I find us quite cute” Louis said, giving her a small smile </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just rolled her eyes again. Louis led her into the family room and to the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Louis asked, letting her get comfy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you?” Fizzy asked him, eyes wide still worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy just rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our lovely sister posted an old photo of us and it started trending along with mum and other stuff and I just panicked when I saw it. I should have avoided social media. I didn’t mean to scare you” Louis said putting a hand on her shoulder </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It um, it did” She said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry. I should be the one taking care of you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No remember, you said we take care of each other. I just didn’t know what to do.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did” Louis said, smiling at her. She may still only be seventeen but she was far older than that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You um, you could have told me how sad you were. That you weren’t okay. You didn’t have to hide from me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t hide” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I came in to check on you and threw a pillow at me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry” Louis said looking down </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The whole like telling each other stuff and taking care of each other, it goes both ways, Louis” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. I just don’t always know how to voice it. I’m trying to do better. I promise. I don’t want to do anything to hurt you more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate that, but I care about you too. Okay?” Fizzy said nodding, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you doing okay?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yea, worrying about you made me have to feel things again and Oli has barely left me alone, he literally had Bruce sitting outside my bathroom door earlier.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis snorted and smiled. He probably would have done the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew I couldn’t do it so I needed him to make sure you were okay. I hate that you still scare me Fizz, but fucking hell I don’t know what I’d do if I lost any of you six.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not going to lose me, or any of us.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good” Louis said, nodding. They still somewhat talked around Fizzy’s issues but it was more Louis not wanting to upset her. He knew that he needed to learn to trust her again, she’d been doing the hard work to get better and she should be rewarded for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, if you’re up for it, would you want to watch some of the home videos with me. I’ll even let you pick one before we all came along” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll hold you hand if you cry” Fizzy said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes and hugged her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do know I would have happily holed up in your room with you, like you didn’t have to be alone. I know that you don’t want to want to seem weak in front of us, but you need to let us in, let me in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Fizzy said “And um, do you think you can eat more today, it’ll make me feel better. Harry’s making bacon for you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, I promise” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a good brother, Lou. Don’t be so hard on yourself” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, Fizzy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you” Fizzy said, hugging him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>She held on tight to him, and he hugged her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry came into the room and laid on top of both of them, hugging them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oui, Haz” Louis said, laughing and pushing him off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Brekkie is ready” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we better go eat” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The four of them sat and ate breakfast and Louis was honestly hungry for the first time in days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what if I let you pick what video we watch first” Louis said, making them fresh tea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know just the one” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry put the leftovers away and Louis and Oli cleaned up and Fizzy went and set everything up. Fizzy was on the couch and left space for Louis. She wanted to be close to him. These made her feel better but he wasn’t sure how he’d feel about it, meaning she also didn’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy had a blanket and Louis brought their teas in and set them on the coffee table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She propped a pillow up on him and leaned into his side. Louis propped his feet up on the coffee table and just laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um you comfy?” Louis asked laughing, looking at how she just cuddled right into him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a six foot tall boyfriend over there that’s gonna get jealous if he doesn't get any cuddles.” Louis said, looking at Harry on the other couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I won’t. I have Oli” Harry said sticking his tongue out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, leave me outta this one, mate” Oli said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oli isn’t a great cuddler anyway” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, definitely leave me outta this” Oli laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fizzy pressed play and on the coding of the video it said December 1991. Louis hadn’t realized she went all the way back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum better not be giving birth, I’m not fucking watching that” Louis said cringing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eww I hope not” Fizzy said laughing “We’ll change it if that happens” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry squeezed himself in between Louis and the arm of the couch and Fizzy just laughed and moved further down, dragging Louis with her, who just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a younger version of his grandparents that popped up on the screen. The house looked to be decorated for Christmas and Louis wasn’t expecting to see his infant self. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The video camera looked like it had been left on and his Nan then walked into view and following her was Jay, holding a very tiny Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey that’s you” Fizzy said, poking his side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure about that?” Louis asked, poking her back </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were sitting in front of the tree. Jay on the floor, holding Louis, his Nan sitting next to her. Her belly was still quite big and she looked tired. Louis figured he was only a few days old. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is your very first Christmas tree, Louis” Jay said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Louis felt himself tense. He felt Fizzy’s hand find his and he felt Harry wrap an arm around his shoulders, while his thumb brushed gently over Fizzy’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for, mum” Jay said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis saw her wipe her eyes, and he wiped his own. It was so good just to hear her voice again. She was younger than he is now, and she just seemed so at ease with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s perfect mum, look at him” Jay said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know he is darling” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want to be good for him, make sure he has everything he’ll ever need. Make sure I don’t do anything wrong. Even though Troy might not be the best, I promise to be the best I can for him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling, you’ll be fine and he will be fine. The two of you together, you’ll get through anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love him so much already and it’s only been two days since he’s been here and I can’t imagine anything better. I just want to make sure he’s okay and I know I’m only eighteen and I know he wasn’t supposed to happen yet, but I just don’t want to let him down. It’s the most important thing I’ve ever done. I won’t ever let him get hurt, I’ll always love him. He’s so perfect, mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know he is” She said laughing at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay never took her eyes off Louis. Louis studied it and just the way she held him, and looked at him and talked about him. His chest felt like it was going to explode. She loved him so much, and he loved her equally as much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The best Christmas present I’ll ever receive, my sweet little Louis” Jay said, she kissed his cheek and just sat there with him in front of the tree. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was a little teary, and when he looked down, Fizzy was staring up at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told you I was her favorite” Louis said, letting out a teary laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You dickhead” Fizzy said, cuddling further into her brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, Lou?” Harry whispered to him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were even small then” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was two days old, Harold” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was meant to be a mum.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was” Louis said “You look so much like her Fizz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was beautiful” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miss her” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis squeezed her side as some of their family came into the frame. His grandad looked like he turned the camera off or was maybe trying to turn it on. There was a bunch of time of just their family moving about the room, his grandad clearly thought he had turned it off. They sped through that part and Louis stopped it when it was just his mum holding him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There wasn’t much light but the Christmas tree was still lit. She got herself comfy in a chair and started to feed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My perfect little Louis.” She said kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had no idea how she was that calm just bringing him home, he wasn’t that calm when he brought Freddie home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She softly sang to him and cuddled him. She walked him around the tree, pointing things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I promised my mum we’d wait till morning, but I thought you needed this now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay sat on the floor with Louis and pulled a package out from under the tree. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here you go, love” She said putting it in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached a hand out or just moved but Jay beamed. She opened it for him and held it out for him. It was a stuffed dog, Louis recognized it on the screen instantly. He still had it, it was up in his closet. He liked keeping it close. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still have Dog” Louis said, pointing to the telly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that you what you named him?” Harry smirked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry vaguely remembered it from when they moved in. Louis said he brought it with him so his sisters wouldn’t steal it, but Harry know knew how much it meant to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course it’s what I named him, Harold. I was a baby” Louis said rolling his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He also called our grandparents dog, Dog. Like Dog was his name. It wasn’t” Fizzy said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t even born yet” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve heard stories” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Course you have” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mum gave you a stuffed dog, is that why you got one for Freddie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said, blushing and looking down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just kissed him because it was the sweetest and most Louis thing he could think of. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“She just looked so at ease with you” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just gave her a look like duh, “She even said herself I was perfect” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that hasn’t gone to your head” Fizzy deadpanned and rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all.” Louis said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She wasn’t much older than me” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you dare get any ideas” Louis warned</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t. Don’t worry” Fizzy laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was perfect” Louis said, looking back at the screen “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this one Fizz, thank you” Louis said hugging her </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie texted, said don’t watch anymore. She’s on her way over. And bringing donuts” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Which one next?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You pick” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He read the labels and chose one still before Daisy and Phoebe arrived.  It was all ready for when Lottie would show up.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Louis finds peace.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you all enjoy it. I'm sorry it's short. I recently found out what I wanted to workout and worked so hard for didn't go the way I wanted and I've been trying to deal with my emotions surrounding that. This chapter and the next one aren't my favorites but as I start to come to terms with my own situation I promise that the story will get happier again. The next chapter will be up in a few days. It's the last one I have pre-written. I had started writing the happier ones before I found out and just haven't been able to go back to it. I have a clear path where I want this story to go to and I worked it out that it will end like May 2018ish and then I'll probably fast forward a few months or so and come back with some more. There's distinctive things I know I want to write and so it's just filling the story out to get to them. </p><p>Please let me know what you think. I could use all the encouragement I can get right now. Thanks!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The five of them spent the day watching the old family films and Louis enjoyed it more than he had expected to. It was comforting to see them all younger and see Jay with them. They saved the ones for after the twins were born to watch with both of them when they went to Donny. But Louis was feeling a bit better. They laughed and they cried and it did bring him some comfort to know how many good memories he did have with his mum. Harry enjoyed seeing Louis through his life and making fun of whatever he was doing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Fizzy. I’m glad I watched them with you.” Louis said hugging her. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Fizzy had been trapped in between Louis and Lottie with Harry on Louis’ other side. He was pretty sure the couch could fit all four of them but they still ended up tangled around each other. Oli had watched with them from his own big comfy chair and Cliff switched between barking at his grandparents' old dog on the screen and napping at Louis’ feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never meant to upset you the other day” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t. I just, seeing mum on the Telly just brought it all out. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two alright?” Lottie asked them </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both nodded and Lottie wondered if it was a good time to talk to Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou can we talk?” Lottie asked him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oli got up and Fizzy and Harry followed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um Lou” Lottie said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie had left the room and come and with her bag and now he was confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise me you won’t get mad?” She asked, still nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie” Louis said, giving her a stern look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I have this letter for you. It’s from mummy. She wanted me to give it to you when I thought you were ready. Nan and I talked about it a few times but it never seemed right, you never seemed alright enough to give it to you.” Lottie said, her hands were shaky and she could feel Louis searching all over her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mummy gave me one for each of us, including the babies so they won’t get theirs for years. And I thought you should get yours first. I haven’t read mine either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said, still a little confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With it being a whole year I thought maybe it was time, even if we aren’t all ready. I don’t know. I have it with me if you want it.” Lottie said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gimme” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie nodded and went to her purse and pulled out a big red envelope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me and Fizz can take the dogs out, give you some time if you don’t want us here for it.” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was turning the envelope over in his hands, he’d recognize her writing anywhere. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Smells like her still” Louis said, voice tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She um, she sprayed them with her perfume, so it would smell like her.” Lottie said, eyes watering. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why’d she give them to you and not me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said you had enough going on, that you had taken on more than she ever thought possible.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Louis said, nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you get Haz. I don’t know if I want to be alone or not.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. You’re um, you’re not mad, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Mummy gave them to you for a reason and you’re right, none of us were ready. Are you and Fizzy going to read yours?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not tonight, Fizz has been doing better. I think we should talk to her doctors first.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Right yea, at least one of us is fucking smart.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are smart Lou, just I’ve had a lot of time to think about them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you curious if mum says I’m the favorite?” Louis asked, lightning the mood </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If anyone’s the favorite it’s gonna be Doris and Ernest.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’ll be me” Louis said, indigent and folding his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you say” Lottie said, smiling at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you” Louis said, holding up the envelope. It was bigger than he had expected </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m also not making you open it tonight if you don’t want to. I just thought maybe it would help you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe it’ll help me miss her less. Just miss her so fucking much, especially now that Freddie isn’t just an infant. Still feel guilty I guess, how much I was away, thought we had all the time in the world left.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We all did Lou, you can’t feel guilty for being away. You talked to her at least once a day, she missed you but never regretted you being away so much. I wish you’d let that guilt go.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying” Louis said, voice tight</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We made it through this year right? Did it all together, despite everything.” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did. Fucking proud of us” Louis said “Walking out of the hospital I didn’t know how we were going to do it, honestly. Felt like the world was ending, Mum was the one that kept us all in order, didn’t know how we’d manage that without her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I felt the same way, but you still performed, making mummy proud, it gave me the strength that together we could all make it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis hugged her tight, Lottie had grown up a lot not only from working with Lou and going on tour with him that final year, but also taking over a lot of responsibility with the four youngest. Now she was starting her own career and he was really proud of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m proud of you, so fucking proud of you. You really stepped up for mum, taking care of both twins. I wasn’t nearly that responsible at eighteen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You went off and took over the world all while taking care of the other four boys.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Didn’t take care of them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take a fucking compliment Lou, you took care of all of them, they’ve even said that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Different though, we had Paul to keep us in line...well mostly, we didn’t always listen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie laughed and just rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright fine, I just put my big brother skills to good use.” Louis said smiling at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cause you’re the best big brother we could’ve asked for.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lotts. You all aren’t so bad either.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course not, we’re the best. Would have really wanted anything different than growing up with four younger sisters?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Honestly?” Louis asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Did always want a brother though, none of you had an interest in footie sadly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea not for us” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still have hope for Doris, Ernest and Freddie. They all have shown some promising skills.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are babies” Lottie said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talented babies” Louis said smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lottie leaned back and rested her head on the back of the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to open it if you don’t want to.” Lottie said, more serious now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will, I’m not stalling. I promise. Just, nervous I guess.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to stay?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t need you to see me cry me fucking eyes out...again.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to hide that from me Lou.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I guess. Just want to be the one you lot can rely on. But H will be with me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know you always have our backs, nothing will ever change that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just nodded and hugged her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need us, we’ll be outside.” Lottie said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Lottie, and thanks for keeping it safe for the last year.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded and saw Harry in the kitchen and said Louis needed him in the family room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey babe” Harry said walking in </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just held up the big red envelope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lottie just gave it to me, it’s from mum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mum apparently wrote us all one, Lottie said she was waiting until we all felt better but since that never really happened she figured she should at least give me mine.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just shook his head no and toyed with the envelope in his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you sit with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course Lou” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis had his back against the armrest of the couch and Harry lifted Louis’ legs and slid closer to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Harry asked quietly </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Think so” Louis said, he drew his knees up Harry put his hand on top of Louis’ knee and thumbed over it gently. Louis arm was dangling on his knee and Harry grabbed his fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It smells like her” Louis said, putting the envelope in Harry’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Harry said nodding, smiling softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t entirely sure how Louis was going to react to this, and wondered why Lottie would give it to him after he had been so emotional lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis untangled his hand from Harry’s and slit the envelope. He took a deep breath before pulling the contents out. One was a birthday card, one was a Christmas card. He read them first. Underneath was a wad of folded pages. He unfolded them and inhaled sharply when he saw his mum’s writing scrawled out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My Darling Boy</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis took a deep, shuddery breath. He felt Harry squeeze his knee and he linked his hand back with Harry’s. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis, my darling. There aren’t enough words to tell you how proud of you I am or how much I love you. It was me and you for a while, and you were mischievous and cuddly and everything I could have ever wanted in a son</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis already felt himself getting emotional, he sniffled and saw Harry trying to get in his eyesight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I can do this” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry shifted and put both of his hands on Louis’ knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, look at me” Harry said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis finally met Harry’s eyes and he could see how concerned Harry was. He closed his eyes and shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s up to you, what you want to do. But if it’s going to upset you too much, maybe you should wait.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to do.” Louis shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tugged his jumper sleeves over his hands and rubbed his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I need to.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and kept his hands on Louis’ knees. This wasn’t Harry’s decision, he felt like Louis maybe wasn’t ready for whatever Jay had written but he knew Louis wasn’t going to be patient enough to put them back in the envelope and save them for another day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to read it out loud?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No” Louis shook his head “Sorry, just. I don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, whatever you're comfortable with.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis went back to reading, holding onto Harry’s hand again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I never dreamed I would have a baby at eighteen, I was so scared and worried about how I would take care of you and provide you with a good life. Because you deserve the world Louis. You were such a good baby, you slept and ate well and early on it was me and you. You brought me a purpose in life, you made me want to be better and to do better so I could give you everything you wanted and needed. I know things were tight sometimes, I couldn’t always give you the newest or the best but it never bothered you. Then Mark came along and we were a proper little family and then the girls started arriving and I got to see you move into the roll of a big brother and while you tormented your sisters relentlessly you also protected them and took care of them and I was so proud of you for that. You always spent time with your sisters and your grandparents. I loved how much you loved spending time with your family, it makes me so proud how close we all are. I know you struggled with sixth form that first time, and maybe I’m to blame for that. Mark and I were getting divorced and you spent even more time with your sisters. I knew how hurt you were even if you wouldn’t let on, but you always made sure the girls were happily unaware, you had injured your knee playing footie and I knew how hard that was for you, but you listened to me and went back to school and you tried out for your musical and you really came out of your shell. I was so proud of you then, you were unsure but you went for it anyway. Then it came time to try out of the X-factor. I knew you had what it took to follow your dreams. I always believed in you love.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis wiped his eyes again, his mum telling him how proud she was of him always made him emotional. He just stared at the papers in his hand, taking in her writing and scent. The papers almost felt like a hug from his mum. He looked at Harry who he knew was trying not to stare at him too much, their hands were still connected and it gave Louis some comfort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then you called me and said you were put into a band and I had no idea what to think. How was it going to work? We lived hours from London, I just had convinced you to go to uni, I always knew that you would find something to make you happy but I never dreamed I’d share you with the whole world. I found the five of you sitting on the stairs and all hardly knew each other, you told me you were going to be home for a few days and then were going to a bungalow with four people you just met and then who knew when you’d be home. And it seemed like overnight all of England knew who you were. Then all of a sudden you boys were taking over the whole world. I know how hard it was for you to leave your sisters and me, but Louis we all understood it, and I know how thankful I am that you took us all along for the ride. You always took the time to call me or check in with your sisters. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times that you didn’t call me everyday. Of course I was always so proud of you for the music you created for how much you learned and how much you took on. But Louis darling, I’m so incredibly proud of all of the good you have done. The people you help, all the kind acts you do, your heart is bigger than anyone I know and I’d like to think I can take some credit for how you turned out, but love, most of it is you. You care so much about people and as your mum, I couldn’t ask for anything more. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis wiped his eyes again, he knew his mum was proud, she was always telling him, but he hated how he never fully believed her, or thought she was saying it because she was his mum, but she clearly believed it so much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I never dreamed I’d share you with the whole world and good or bad darling, you’ve handled it quite well for how young you were and everything you went through. I know you aren’t good at biting your tongue all the time and again maybe I’m a bit to blame for that. I’m fiercely protective of you and your sisters and brother. I know I didn’t always bite my own tongue when I should have, but sometimes Louis, you need to say what’s on your mind. I know you and the boys too had to protect yourselves when everything got too big. But don’t lose that part of you. It was hard to see you go from this happy eighteen year old who said and did whatever for a laugh to becoming more guarded and cautious. I know you felt like you needed to, felt like you needed to fit into some mold of what the world expected of you. And you would come home and be the same goofy, dramatic boy I knew and loved and it reassured me that you were still you, at least with the people you loved. As a mum, it was hard to see the toll your new life took on you. I know all of you balanced on a fine line of shock and disbelief and awe at what you were accomplishing, but also still wanting to be normal young men. And like everything, nothing is perfect but I think you do it wonderfully. It hurt me to see how much others would try to hurt you or the boys, I couldn't understand it. I still don’t. As your mum I just wanted to wrap you up in a blanket with a cuddle and make people understand how talented and smart you were, how much you love you have to give. It broke my heart the nights you would finally let me in and tell me how much you were hurting, and believe me. I thought about storming into your label or management’s offices and giving them a piece of my mind. Because no one hurts my boy and gets away with it. But we talked and I know sometimes you had your bad days but you always reassured me that it was okay, that you knew I was there to protect you and back you up regardless. Louis you could have worked in Toys R Us for the rest of your life and I would have loved you all the same. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was crying, not hard, but tears were falling from his eyes. Although it was just writing on paper, he could feel how much his mum loved him, how proud she was. And he wanted to do whatever he could to keep making her proud. He shifted around so he was lying in between Harry’s legs, stretching them both out on the sofa. Harry could read over his shoulder if he wanted, he didn’t mind now. He felt Harry kiss the top of his head and hook his head over Louis’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was always me and you Lou, even with the girls and your dad. Even though I scolded you the nights you waited for me to get home from the hospital, even if my shift went long. I loved that time with you, you’d make us both a tea and we’d chat a bit. I had to be the parent and tell you that you should have been in bed, but I did love those times with you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Watching you fall in love with Harry was the most beautiful thing I could have ever watched. My hope was that you two would be together until the end of time. You had a better understanding of each other, knew how to be better for the other. That’s something I really admired, it took me a while to find my forever love. And you found yours at twenty. I know as you put it, crashed and burned. But things can be fixed after they crashed and burned. I know that while I write this that you have a girlfriend and she’s lovely, she is. But you don’t act the same around her. You act like you have to be perfect for her. You didn’t even act that way when you and Eleanor properly dated, and you never acted that way with Harry. He saw you for you, he not only saw the world with you, but he saw you as just Louis, and maybe things have worked out between you and Dani, but if you ever have an opportunity to revisit your relationship with Harry you need to take it. I know, telling you what to do when I’m already gone is very much a mum thing. But darling, I know you still care deeply about him, and he about you. He wouldn’t have been here as much as he has been if he still didn’t love you the same. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis looked up at Harry and kissed him, it was shocking how much could change in a year. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish I could be here to see you better understand yourself and better accept yourself because no one deserves happiness more than you do, love. I hope it’s Harry that brings you that happiness, and it’s alright if it’s not. But Louis, life is too short and too fragile to not live it the happiest that you can. You and your sisters keep asking how I’m at peace with everything. I would do anything to just have more time with the seven of you, and Freddie and my own parents and Dan. But I had a good and happy life, I couldn’t have asked for better children or a better grandson. And I don’t regret anything, maybe not packing myself in your suitcase when you left for boot camp, but I’ve had a happy life full of love and laughter and I want that for you. I want you find what brings you that happiness, when you’re ready. Because I know, I can see it in your face now how hard this is on you and your sisters. The babies don’t really understand mummy won’t be here. But I know that you know full well that it means. And Louis you have to promise that you won’t let it destroy you, because I know how deeply you feel things. You need to keep living not just for me, but for yourself. Live your life for both of us if you have to, but Louis I want you to find the same happiness and gentrification that I’ve had with work and being surrounded by all of you. Louis you’ll need to properly grieve and process how you’re feeling and as your mum I know you won’t do it. But don’t let yourself suffer because of it.  Living your life and being happy, it won’t make you forget me, or diminish what happened, but you living your life and being happy is something that brings me great joy. And I’m always in your heart and your mind. So please Louis, let yourself have the time to grieve and be angry and scared and everything else but then also each day, let yourself open up a bit more, laugh a bit more, enjoy your time with your siblings and Freddie. Because then you’ll know that it’s okay to miss me but it’s okay to keep living. I’ll never leave you boobear, I’ll always be with you, I just want you to be the best you and the happiest you and to make those same memories with Freddie that I have with you. So you can look back and know what a wonderful relationship you have with him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was crying and he put the papers in front of him and wiped his eyes and felt Harry curl around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis?” Harry asked questly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I can’t ever find the happiness she’s talking about? What if it all just hurts too much forever?” Louis asked quietly, sniffling. “What if missing her hurts forever?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry just hugged him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I don’t know how other than maybe time, that it feels better. She told you she wants you to feel it all how you need to but then to keep going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the keep going part that scares me” Louis said quietly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think she’s right though, you just have to keep doing a bit more than the day before and yea you did it all backwards. You worked yourself to exhaustion and then felt it all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis just rolled his eyes but he picked up the papers again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You making me a grandmother was the best thing that could have happened. I know I’m still young but I got to tick off so many boxes of things I wanted to do. Not seeing the baby twins and Freddie grow up, it makes me emotional, but that’s why I need you and your sisters to tell them about me, and being forgotten is something I’m told people fear, but I’m not. I know you’ll never forget me, I just hope you’ll have as much fun with Freddie as I’ve had with you. He’ll always have a guardian angel, I’ll always be there for him, just the same as I’ll be there for you. I know it’s scary and unknown, but Louis please believe in something, believe in the good and who knows maybe I will get to travel around with you and watch over you. Even if it is metaphorically, I want that to bring you some comfort that regardless, I will always be there to protect you and love you. And no matter what, you can always talk to me. You made me so proud to be your mum and your friend. Keep doing what you love, and keep changing the world because I know you can do it. I love you so much Lou, you made me a mummy and we’ve been through a lot, I want you to keep doing everything you want to do. And that’ll make me even happier. Keep making Freddie happy and try not to gang up on your sisters too much with Ernie, I know you’re looking forward to that. Just be my happy Louis forever and that’s more than enough to make me happy. You’ve taken on so much this year, in addition to being a new dad and I know privately you got to be happy and excited and no one should have taken that from you, but just keeping being a good dad to him, because I know you can do it. I never doubted that you wouldn’t be a good dad. I know you had your fears and worries, but all parents worry. I still worry about you and you’re a grown man with a son of his own. That will never change. I just always want you to be happy and loved, Louis. I know I was and it was a good life. Sure I wish I had more time, but I’m so grateful for the time I did have. I love you Louis, I always will. Love, mummy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis was crying and Harry held onto him with a death grip. He understood what his mum meant, he couldn’t keep ignoring how he felt. He turned, draping his legs over Harry’s and buried his face into his chest and let himself cry. He let himself cry that it’s been almost a year without her, that he misses her. He cried because he was sad and angry and mad that she didn’t get more time with them. But he let himself cry. He could feel himself fighting against Harry but he didn’t know how to stop it because right now he was mad. Mad that she’s missing out on so much, mad that she didn’t have more time, mad that medicine failed her and couldn’t make her better. He was hiccuping and Harry just held him tight, telling him it was alright, to just cry whatever he was feeling. He cried until he wasn’t angry anymore, he didn’t have anything else left in him. He slumped against Harry and cried because he just missed her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m right here, Louis. Just let it all out” Harry soothed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew he had his own tears streaming down his face because how could he not. He could see the pain written all over Louis’ face and there wasn’t anything he could do to make it better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you” Harry said, kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually Louis cried himself to sleep and Harry knew that they couldn’t stay on the couch like this, that they’d both wake up in pain. He was able to get himself out from under Louis and carried him upstairs. Louis would whimper or thrash periodically but he stayed asleep. Harry gently tucked him in and got a flannel to wipe the tears off his face. He got into bed next to Louis and just held him, letting him sleep. Louis didn’t seem peaceful, it seemed like he was fighting something in his sleep but Harry let him go and just cuddled him closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harry woke up a few hours later and realized he should wake Louis to get some dinner in him but he finally looked peaceful. He went down to start dinner, letting Louis sleep. Lottie and Fizzy were cuddled with Cliff on the sofa and Harry went in to ask them want they wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is he?” Lottie asked. He could tell she was nervous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s alright, he’s still asleep. I figured I’d wake him for dinner.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think we can wake him up with cuddles?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’d probably like that” Harry said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They decided on some pasta for dinner and Harry went to start on it and Fizzy and Lottie went upstairs to Louis. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fizzy and Lottie gently climbed into his bed and both cuddled him so he was in the middle. He started to stir and eventually started to blink his eyes open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright?” He asked, voice raspy </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Came in for a cuddle, Haz’s making dinner” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanted to see how you were.” Lottie said nervously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’alright, I think” Louis said still waking up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you hate me for keeping mum’s letter from you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Lotts not at all. Don’t think I could’ve handled it earlier than now” Louis said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shifted around to lean against the headboard and pulled both of his sisters closer to him for a cuddle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Promise both of us that you’ll talk to us? It was scary seeing you like that” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get not opening up to the twins, but me and Fizz. We’re not little kids Lou. You can talk to us about the hard stuff.” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. I never wanted to burden either of you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not Lou. Not at all. We know you saw mum suffer more than the rest of us and it’s okay if it takes you longer to work through it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded, because sometimes he felt like his sisters were still the ages he left them at when he left for the X-Factor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just needed a few days and I didn’t know how to ask for it. I’m sorry for worrying you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just glad you’re doing better.” Lottie said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it takes time Lou. You should know that from me.” Fizzy said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’ll be hard for all of us, that’s why I didn’t want to show it. But I get you both being more worried.” Louis said</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Need each other, don’t we?” Lottie asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We do” Louis smiled </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, H is making pasta.” Fizzy said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded and got out of bed. It was the first time in days he felt like he had the energy to get out of bed right away and he was starting to feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter 33</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Louis, Oli and Fizzy had been in LA for a few days getting everything ready to celebrate an early Christmas and Louis’ birthday with Freddie. Harry had gotten in that morning after some Jingle Ball shows and Niall was coming over later that night to hang out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you called the people to put up the outside decorations instead of doing it yourself?” Harry asked smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. I had already done it back in London” Louis said like it was the dumbest question in the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’m not complaining” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Originally they were going to put them all up together but once Louis realized how much there was to put up he decided to hire people to help him with the outside. They had broken up the different rooms in the house under Fizzy’s direction and it was starting to look like the North Pole had moved to LA. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s weird, all the Christmas decorations out and it’s so bloody hot” Harry said, helping Louis hang up some garland. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn't feel right. I still think I should get Freddie for Christmas since my birthday’s the day before but God forbid Briana doesn’t have him for anyone of her family member’s birthdays.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I thought you two were on better terms.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are, she just pisses me off sometimes” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you don’t want to take her to court for established time why?” Harry asked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because it would be set, and I wouldn’t be able to come and go and see him, it would be like every third weekend of every eighth month or some shit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn't seem accurate” Harry said. It only earned him a scowl from Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “We also wouldn’t be able to keep our relationship a secret. So either I breach my contract, lie to the court or you wouldn’t get to see Freddie.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But your friends get to see Freddie.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But practically living together and Niall stopping over are two different things. At least that’s what my lawyer said.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish it wasn’t so hard for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea well that’s what happens when you have random flings with people or according to twitter sleep around to try and convince people you don’t want a dick.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou, what’s going on. You’ve been grumpy all morning.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stressed love, I’m sorry.” Louis said. Realizing what he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, come here” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped the other part of the garland into the tub and tugged Louis over to the couch with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s bothering you?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want it to be perfect for him, you know. Like he’s actually aware of holidays now. And we didn’t have a lot but mum always made the holidays special no matter what. And I want to do the same for him. But it’s hard to start any Christmas traditions with him when I’m scared to take him in public or when you get him two and a half weeks before Christmas.” Louis said, frowning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We usually saw my mum’s family on Christmas but then usually after Christmas we would go to this big party with all of Robin’s family and it didn’t matter that it wasn’t actually Christmas day anymore. So what I’m saying is that just because it’s not the actual day doesn’t mean you can’t do all the Christmas things you want with him. He’ll remember how you set the Christmas cookies on fire or knocked the tree over because you still think keepy uppys are okay in the house.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop right there, mum said when I had me own house I could play footie in it and last time I checked I bought this place meself so I’m allowed to play footie in it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes you are, love.” Harry said kissing Louis. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And I also haven’t set any cookies on fire, Harold.” Louis said, folding his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just speculating. But it’s not what day you did it that he’ll remember, it’ll be what you did. So don’t let that throw off everything else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis nodded because he knew Harry was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks” Louis said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling up here?” Harry asked, kissing his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wish my mum was here, but I am excited to spend it with Fred, and you” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll make it special for him, I promise.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno what I’d do without you” Louis said, hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why we make a great team” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on love, gotta go find the mistletoe” Louis said holding his hand out smirking </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course we do” Harry said smirking and following him into the room with the fresh wreath and mistletoe Louis had delivered with the tree. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day we’ll be able to go get a tree together, love” Louis said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know” Harry said kissing him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright let me get this up” Louis said moving over to the doorway </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a stepstool in the room but Harry knew it wasn’t going to be high enough for Louis to reach the top of the door jam to hang the mistletoe. He also knew Louis would get pissed if he offered to do it for him. So he waited and watched Louis drag the stool over and and hop up. If his ceilings were a normal height he’d be able to reach but he had high ceilings and was 5’9. He could see the frustration cross over Louis’ face and he tried not to start laughing. Louis kept looking at the ribbon in his hand and the thumb tack he was going to use to hang it. Harry knew he was far too stubborn to ask him to help so he went over and picked Louis up by the waist. Louis let out a yelp but got the tack into the door jam and hung the ribbon around it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop manhandling me, I could’ve done it. These ceilings are stupidly high” Louis said rolling his eyes. He had his arms branched on Harry’s shoulders, his head just out of Harry’s reach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry put him back down and kissed him right away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought it was proper romantic to do it together” Harry said once he broke apart from the kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could have reached” Louis said kissing him again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course you could’ve” Harry shrugged </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis was trying not to laugh because he knew he couldn’t have reached and just shook his head at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You menace, just going around in other people's houses, picking them up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guilty” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finished decorating and got the boxes put away. They were saving the tree and baking for when Freddie got there the next day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall brought pizza over and the three of them sat outside eating dinner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So hows the new girlfriend?” Louis asked, bringing them out fresh beers. They’d all heard the rumors but Niall had been keeping this one close to the vest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s great” Niall said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, when are you going to tell us who it is?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why not?” Louis demanded “Not like it’s someone’s mum is it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s not anyone mum’s, Lewis” Niall said, taking the beer from Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on Ni, we won’t tell anyone” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh fine, you two bastards are annoying” Niall groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hailee, she’s an actress and singer. Happy?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait from, shit what was it called. The movie, we watched it more times than we could count. Had the singing” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh um… Fuck.” Louis said trying to remember</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes” Niall said blushing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Niall James Horan! How long have you had a crush on her?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“From the movie” Niall mumbled turning red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, we thought you just really loved the movie” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was good” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love, you’re bright red” Louis said, laughing. He put a hand on Niall’s cheek and could feel the heat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you two stop it” Niall grumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good for you Ni. As long as you’re happy” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at you dating again. Little Nialler’s all grown up” Louis teased </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate you both” Niall said groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re happy for you Ni” Louis said, backing off with the teasing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just want you to be happy” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little worried about it with the tour starting but she gets it, I think.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re great Ni, she’d be crazy not to make it work with you” Harry offered </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Haz” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I need to have a chat with her? Tell her to treat you right?” Louis asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think I should” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, no chats needed” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how long have you two been together?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Four, five months? Just about” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you didn’t tell us!” Louis demanded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You both had a lot going on!” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holding out on us” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Relax Lou” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re getting better at going out and stuff, just don’t like everyone knowing my personal life. You know?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We get it.” Harry said, Louis agreed. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“We’re just having fun, nothing serious right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good for you, lad.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“LA’s done you some good too, huh” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shut up, both of you” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew far more about mine and Harry’s relationship than we ever wanted you too but you can’t even tell us you have a girlfriend?” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Usually because you two made no effort to hide your relationship once it was just us” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright fair” Harry conceded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Walked in on far more than my innocent eyes would have liked to” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not that innocent mate.” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Felt like I needed holy water every time I walked in on you two.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We weren’t that bad” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright no, it could have been worse.” Niall conceded </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was thinking about that the other day” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Niall asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mine and Louis’ first time” Harry said </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Uh” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Louis asked, trying not to cringe at the memory. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was a sign at one of the concerts. Harry you take my virginity, I’ll take yours.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, little late for that” Louis said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How old was she” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely underage. Mum was right next to her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So bloody creepy” Louis said, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thought some of that would have died down now that we’re older. Like oversexualizing everything.”  Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So awkward. Like we’re ten years older than some of these girls now that want to sleep with us” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um ew” Louis said, making a face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, that’s just not right when you put it that way” Niall said</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“There was one with a joke on it, I quite liked that one.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Course you did” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on let us here it” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t encourage him” Louis groaned </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry beamed and cleared his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knock knock” Harry said grinning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall humored him and Louis acted like listening to Harry’s jokes was a hardship when he really thought it was adorable how much Harry loved them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whose there?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kanga” Harry said, trying not to laugh </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kanga who?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Kangaroo” Harry said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god Haz” Louis said laughing and groaning </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One of the worst you’ve ever told” Niall said laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine I just won’t tell any more jokes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t. It’s physically impossible for you to not share jokes. You’ve been threatening us with that for years” Louis said. Kissing his cheek so Harry knew he meant no harm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever” Harry grumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you two ever told us about your first time together. Blow job yea, because Harry couldn’t shut up about it. But first time having sex I don’t think you ever shared.” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna hear about it?” Harry asked, kinda surprised that Niall hadn’t heard the story. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you don’t” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I do” Niall said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too late” Harry smirked </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So I wanted to surprise you, I know we’ve come close and all but I’m ready if you are.” Louis said as Harry walked into his longue. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wait really?” Harry asked, eyes lighting up </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes, you horny boy” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’not, you’re just fit” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So I made you dinner, proper wine and dine you, yeah.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Food poisoning isn’t sexy, Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You twat” Louis pouted </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean I’m sure it’ll be great” Harry covered, giggling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mum walked me through it” Louis deadpanned </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You didn’t tell her why, right? I know you’re close and all but she’s like a mum to me too and I know I shouldn’t tell you what you can or can’t tell her...but…” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis snaked his arms around Harry’s waist and kissed his lips to shut him up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Babe, it worries me when you talk fast, you know that.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry, just…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’nervous too, love. And no I just told her I wanted to make dinner for you to surprise you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks” Harry said, blushing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, now” Louis said, dragging him to his formal dining room that he was pretty sure he’s used only for beer pong. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had dimmed the lights, set out candles and even had fresh flowers on the table. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Harry said taking it all in. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was Louis turn to blush, “Um yes, wanted to make it special or summat” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s perfect” Harry said hugging him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I even wore my apron you gave me” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oddly arousing” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had pushed all the other chairs away from the table so it was only two facing each other. He wanted to do this right, be a proper romantic about it and since it was harder to go out now, he figured this was at least a nice gesture. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You need help with anything?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nope” Louis said, pulling the chair out for Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis disappeared into the kitchen and brought out a salad for Harry and about three pieces of lettuce for himself to appease his boyfriend, along with warm bread and wine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh Lou, don’t fill up on your salad overthere.” Harry quipped with a smile</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Funny” Louis said, trying to hide his smirk. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The next thing Louis brought out were two plates with spaghetti and meatballs. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Seems pretty romantic inLady and the Trap, mum also said and I quote “even you shouldn’t be able to make a proper mess of it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love Jay” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis sat down across from Harry as Harry poured their wine. Louis took stock to make sure everything was out and their water glasses were filled. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had his hands on the table and he felt Harry’s overtop his. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s perfect, Lou. I’m genuinely impressed.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t go all soppy on me now, H.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’not, just. Nevermind.” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“No, what, Haz?” Louis prodded </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Stupid” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not stupid” Louis said, curling his fingers with Harry’s </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. That you planned this all out.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good, that was me whole plan.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you too, H.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They leaned across the table and kissed before Louis motioned that they should start eating. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I did taste it earlier and I haven’t died or shit my pants yet so I think you’re safe.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And he’s back.” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What? Can’t be predictable.” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re anything but, love.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, eat up.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They ate and chatted and Harry was thoroughly impressed with everything Louis had done. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good, Lou. Maybe you aren’t a menace in the kitchen.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Told you.” Louis said, sticking his tongue out. “I am glad you liked it though” He said more seriously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course I did.” Harry said, reaching for Louis’ hand again.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You want anything else? I even have cupcakes for dessert.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry raised his eyebrows. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Those are from the bakery around the corner. I wasn’t gonna attempt that all in one day. I know my own limits.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re perfect Lou.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’not, but thank you” Louis said, squeezing his hand back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The initial butterflies he had earlier were back and he got up to clear their plates but Harry stopped him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You cooked, I’ll clean up.” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“You gonna expect me to start doing the dishes then?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No I know better, you’d just break all your plates instead of washing them.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey I dropped one bowel, maybe it was shoddy ceramic work.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sure it was” Harry said, kissing him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They cleared the table Louis put some music on while they tidied up the kitchen. He had been successful in keeping Harry out of the kitchen but he realized what a tip it really was in now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How?” Harry asked laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dunno” Louis shrugged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They both were singing lightly as they cleaned up and Louis put the leftovers in the fridge and wrapped his arms about Harry’s waist as he was at the sink. He kissed between Harry’s shoulder blades. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mmm, Lou.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Told you my plan was to wine and dine you.” Louis said, squeezing Harry’s hip. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Give me a few real quick?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course” Louis said nodding, not entirely sure why Harry was getting awkward now. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll be right back” Harry said, He turned around in Louis’ arms and kissed him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis refilled their wine glasses and took the cupcakes out of the fridge so they were at least not cold whenever they wanted them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was getting nervous and was going to go look for Harry when he walked back into the dining room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, love?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, yea” Harry said, cheeks slightly pink. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just wanted to um, clean up myself. Not sexy Lou, don’t make me say it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What? Ohhhhh” Louis said, he nodded. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They had gotten off together, both enjoyed a good blow job and had experimented with fingers but the other night was the first time they had almost had sex. They both were probably on the drunker side of tipsy and agreed that they shouldn’t be that drunk the first time they have sex together. Louis would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, he had read enough about how to have sex with another boy to think he was preapred but he was still scared of hurting Harry. He was still uneasy with being on the receiving end and Harry told him he didn’t mind. Harry had been very patient with him, didn’t laugh at any of Louis’ awkward questions and Louis was certain he at least liked Harry and his dick very much. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Expecting it already, Harold?” Louis asked, sliding Harry his wine glass. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, um we don’t have to. But like just in case…” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re cute when you’re all flustered.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry blushed again and it was taking all of Louis’ willpower to not just drag that boy up the stairs to his bedroom. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had forgotten he had left the music on until he heard Harry softly singing along. While the whole world may have heard Harry sing, Louis was the only one that got to hear him slightly tipsy singing along, not caring about the words or how he sounded and Louis loved it. He got up from his chair and pulled Harry to his feet and got them away from the table before he spun Harry around. They lightly danced to the slower music Louis had put on and kissed like they had the whole night ahead of them. Louis kissed his lips first, tongue finding its way into Harry’s mouth and before Harry could catch his breath Louis was lightly kissing down his neck. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mmm, Lou” Harry whined </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea, Haz?” Louis asked, smirking against Harry’s neck. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He moved his hands and one was cupping Harry’s cheek as he moved back to kiss his lips and the other was lightly scratching his back. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry had one hand on Louis’ bum and the between his shoulders. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou, please?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Upstairs?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They both were slightly out of breath and Louis felt Harry nod against his own forehead. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on, babe” Louis said, taking Harry’s hand. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They stopped along the way to make out, and Louis felt that Harry was very much hard, he thought to comment but he was just as hard as Harry was. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, Harry” Louis said as they got into Louis’ room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you too, so much.” Harry said kissing Louis this time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They stood between the door and the bed and Harry got his hands under Louis’ bum and pulled him up. Louis wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist and grinded into him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Stop Lou, don't wanna….not yet.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Isn’t that the whole point?” Louis smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, want it, want you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay” Louis said before he kissed Harry’s mouth again, not quite as sweet and gentle as earlier. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry put Louis down and Louis put his hands on the ends of Harry’s jumper. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go for it” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis pushed it up and he felt Harry shiver under his fingers. Louis kissed the center of his chest before tossing the jumper somewhere Harry was sure they’d never find again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You too.” Harry said, pulling up Louis’ jumper. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had done his hair into a quiff and put on his favorite pair of jeans that Eleanor told him his bum looked the best in and a nice jumper, he knew Harry had been waiting much longer than he had and he wanted to make it perfect for him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry nipped at his collarbones before he went back to kissing him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz” Louis moaned out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now who's impatient.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m always impatient” Louis smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fair” Harry said nodding and going back to kissing Louis </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re sure, right?” Louis asked him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am, are you?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am. Just promise me you’ll tell me if I’m hurting you?” Louis asked</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>While they both had some wine and were feeling loose, they both were fully aware of what was about to happen. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Promise” Harry said, kissing him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis had his hands on Harry’s sides where he pudged out just a tiny bit. It was one of Louis’ favorite things, it made Harry a little softer, and a little comfier. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can I?” Harry asked, hands on Louis’ button and zipper </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Louis said, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Bum looks good in these” Harry said as he pushed the jeans down Louis’ legs. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Would never know by you wanting them off so quickly.” Louis quipped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry smirked and kissed Louis’ tummy right above the waistbands of his pants </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz” Louis said, Like Harry and his sides, Louis was insecure about his tummy, but it didn’t seem to turn Harry off at all. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So fucking fit” Harry said kissing up Louis’ chest. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re turn” Louis said, going to take off Harry’s jeans. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry got stuck in his jeans and as he tried to kick them off his ankles he got stuck, tumbling to the bed with Louis. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“If you wanted to go to the bed, you could have just said so.” Louis smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry’s cheeks turned red and Louis kissed both cheeks and then he rolled out from under Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry” Harry said, still a little embarrassed </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Your clumsiness is all part of your charm, love. Alright though?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’fine” Harry said, feeling better after Louis said that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you and all your gangly limbs.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis crawled up the bed, Harry following behind. They both were in their pants and Harry laid over Louis, kissing up his chest to his mouth. Harry dropped down and grinded against Louis, the thin fabric of their pants not really doing anything to hide how hard they were. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Harry whined </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” Louis smiled. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>He kissed Harry again and got off the bed and went to his drawer and pulled out a condom and lube. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ve got you, love.” Louis said. He got back on the bed and straddled Harry, leaning down to kiss him again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Could snog you all day though” Louis smirked against Harry’s lips, before lightly biting down on his bottom lip. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry bucked up and Louis found it entirely too endearing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now who's impatient?” Louis said kissing down Harry’s chest and flicking a nipple or two, or three. He let the fourth one go, he had to keep Harry on his toes.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How um, how should I do this?” Louis asked, nerves creeping in. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Back’s fine, you’ve done this part before.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And that’s why Louis loved him, he was calm when Louis was worked up and he was calm when Harry was worked up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You sure?” Louis asked, sitting cross legged next to Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea Lou” Harry said smiling </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright? Comfy?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won’t be if you don’t hurry it up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, Alright.” Louis said kissing him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He gave Harry another pillow, apparently pillows helped or at least that’s what his research showed. Maybe he would have done better in school if he had always been this through with his research. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, Haz.” Louis said kissing Harry again, sweet and gentle </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you too” Harry kissed back</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis pulled Harry’s pants down and tossed them on the floor. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Harry’s penis, that had happened early in their x-factor house days when they all learned of Harry’s aversion to being clothed. He kissed down Harry’s chest, just giving him a few pumps to take some of the edge off and it already had Harry wiggling about on the bed. He got the lube and used more than was probably necessary. Harry had offered to do this part for him but Louis said no, he wanted to do it all for him. He kissed Harry’s thigh as he started, watching Harry’s face. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright, love?” Louis smirked as Harry moaned his name out</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Feels good, Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good” Louis said. He took his time before he added another. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis took his time, far more time that he probably needed too, but he was stalling slightly. This was a big deal for them or at least for him, and he wanted to make sure everything went fine. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good, Lou. Think I’m good. Fuck, please.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ve got you, love. Don’t worry.” Louis said, he pumped Harry a few more times, he was pretty sure Harry was bordering on slightly too hard to be comfortable. He took his own pants off and Harry already had a condom waiting for him. He rolled it onto Louis and Louis was convinced that was almost enough to end this whole experience. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Louis?” Harry asked, wondering why Louis was still next to him and not on top of him yet. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m good” Louis said nodding, he had to swallow down his emotions, he didn’t think sex was emotional, but knowing it was him and Harry made him think differently. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis kissed him again as he rolled on top of Harry. Kissing Harry was probably his favorite thing to do, he felt Harry squeeze his sides and he nodded. Grabbed more lube and used more than he was sure was ever necessary and he started. He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath. He went nice and slow and Harry never told him to stop. He did stop when Harry squeezed his eyes shut and it looked like he was in pain. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“H?” Louis asked nervously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Give me a second” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was only half in and Harry looked as terrified as Louis felt. He gently ran his thumb over Harry’s side, hoping to relax him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’good” Harry said after a bit. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sure?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea” Harry smiled at him and kissed him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis pushed the rest of the way in and it definitely felt different than being inside of a girl. Harry froze and Louis felt like his dick was in a vice. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um Haz?” Louis asked, voice choked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry, sorry.” Harry said panicked. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shh” Louis said, kissing him again. “I’ll keep still until you’re ready.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mad innit? Me and you like this?” Louis said lazily. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mhmm” Harry said. His eyes were still shut tight and Louis knew this wasn’t good. It wasn’t great for him either at the moment but Harry looked like he was actually in pain. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m fine.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not, what can I do?” Louis asked, starting to panic </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dunno” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Could think of worse people to be stuck with like this” Louis said, trying to joke and lighten the situation. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Harry said, voice tight and laced with panic. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m right here Haz, can’t really go anywhere. Think you can relax for me.” Louis said gently. This clearly had turned from sexy to painful and he could tell Harry was about to panic, he was too but he couldn’t show it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He had his arms braced on either side of Harry and he dropped down enough to kiss him, hoping it wouldn’t hurt. He just needed to get him distracted and relaxed.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It hurts.” Harry said, squeezing his eyes to stop from crying. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry, love. I won’t move, promise.” Louis said, kissing Harry’s fluttering eyelids.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Never hurt like this before with fingers.” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Think me dick is a bit bigger than me fingers.” Louis smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was trying to hide the panic from his voice because what the fuck do you do in a situation like this. Can’t exactly call for medics. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do we do?” Harry asked, voice high and laced with tears. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um...fuck. Okay…” Louis said, trying to think. Clearly his jokes and sarcasm weren’t helping the situation.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If the pain coming to his own lower regions was any indication, he’d say Harry was too anxious and was clamped far too tight. He was pretty sure his dick might fall off. He was starting to really hurt now too but they both couldn’t be a panicked mess. He willed himself to think, he first had to get Harry to relax and then he had to get out and then he had to cuddle Harry all night long. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What if I just try to pull out.” Louis offered </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry nodded and Louis tried and it was Louis who was in more pain. He moaned out in pain and it wasn’t exactly the type of noise Harry had been hoping to hear that night. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, um ow. That hurt.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He willed his own tears away. He was fairly sure taking a football to the balls would be less painful than his current situation. He was convinced Harry somehow broke his dick, he was pretty sure it was a thing. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz, it hurts” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry” Harry said, shutting his eyes tight again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m pretty sure my dick might fall off like this. You need to fucking unclench Haz.” Louis breathed out in a rush. It came out more panicked than he wanted to and the last thing he wanted to do was make Harry feel bad about this. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry moved his hand up to Louis’ side to try and comfort him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’sorry. Um, maybe try and move like slowly and see if that helps.” Harry said shakily. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz, that’s just gonna hurt you. And probably me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t know why this happened.” Harry said sadly  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know either, but we can’t stay like this. love.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know that” Harry snapped. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That triggered something in Louis, Harry’s face was bright red and he was pretty sure Harry had gone soft between them. He carefully moved his hand down and it was true. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry” Harry said, fresh tears brimming. Louis could see the red all over Harry’s face and he felt horrible.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, no Harry. Look at me” Louis said gently </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry looked at Louis and he used his other hand to brush Harrys’ tears away. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It can happen yeah, at least according to the internet.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you?” Harry challenged </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um I don’t actually know, all I feel is pain.” Louis said, nothing about this situation was sexy so maybe he had gone soft too, it was weird not being able to tell. But it almost felt like when you sat on your foot for too long and it went numb. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do we do?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I um, I guess I could call me mum. She gets babies out of people for a living, might know how to get a dick out.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What, no Louis. Oh my god why would you even. Oh hi Jay, yea, Louis’ penis, it’s stuck in me and we’re both in a fuck ton of pain.” Harry blurted out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, okay. We won’t call her.” Louis said giggling. “You’re right, horrible idea”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It got Harry to relax a bit and he felt some of the pressure leave his body. He got an idea and he was pretty sure it was going to hurt at first but it was the only thing he could think of. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry, babe look at me please.” Louis said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry opened his eyes again and saw how caring Louis looked down at him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Trust me?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis nodded and dropped his body onto Harry’s. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Louis said, kissing him. As they both groaned out in pain. “Needed both me arms.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis was flush against Harry’s chest but he put both of his arms on Harry’s shoulders and kissed across his chest, up his neck and finally to his mouth. He dropped his hands into Harry’s hair and started playing with it and massaging his head. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Always relaxes you on the couch, so just relax and enjoy your massage and think happy thoughts or summat.” Louis said, kissing Harry again. It was long and slow, sweet and gentle and he could feel Harry’s upper body relaxing. He kissed him like they had all night and slowly he trailed his fingers down Harry’s sides, flicking nipples when he found them, he lazily stroked Harry a few times before going back up to massage his head. Only breaking their kiss for air. He could feel Harry slowly relax more and there was considerable less pressure on his penis. He kept going alternating between massaging his head and playing with his hair and running his fingertips up Harry’s sides. Harry was still completely soft between them but this wasn’t about that, this was only to relax him enough so Louis could get out. Slowly as Harry started kissing him back more, Louis felt less like his penis was being squeezed off his body and he brought his hand down to massage the side of Harry’s bum. He felt like maybe Harry was relaxed enough and he gently pulled the one side of his bum and slid himself out. It wasn’t pleasant for either of them but at least he was out. He laid on the bed next to Harry, panting. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry” Louis said, crawling up to cuddle him. “Alright, love?” Louis frantically asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you okay?” Harry asked, eyes searching over Louis. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“M’alright. Are you?” Louis asked concerned and he hugged him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Think so.” Harry said nodding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis pulled the condom off himself, he had gone soft like Harry. He felt like he was going to be bruised. He lightly stoked over himself and even that hurt. He felt Harry bury his face in Louis’ shoulder and Louis turned so he was face to face with Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So what was an experience” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry gave Louis a wet laugh but put his pillow over his face. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Embarrassing” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe I didn’t get you ready enough, I don’t know.” Louis shrugged. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No you were perfect, you made everything perfect and I messed it up.” Harry said sadly</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You didn’t mess anything up love.” Louis said kissing him </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We both wanted it.” Harry said sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And we’ll get there, I mean practice might be good.” Louis smirked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I very much enjoyed myself until it felt like your body was trying to pull my penis off me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ugh sorry” Harry said, he moved to stroke over Louis but it only earned him a hiss in response. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um, still sore.” Louis said. It was his turn to blush.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry” Harry said, face starting to crumple. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing to be sorry for.” Louis said, kissing his forehead. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s okay Lou if you want to break up, if this isn’t what you want. Um I’ll understand.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t be fucking stupid.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But you like sex, I walked in on you and El and heard you two more times than I ever cared to.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis snorted but kissed Harry again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The first girl I had sex with, I came on her hands as she tried to put the condom on and then I’m pretty sure she faked it. So no Haz, I don’t want to break up with you because things didn’t go as planned.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Really? Before she even got a condom on?” Harry asked laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes Harold. I was sixteen, what more did you want from me.” Louis said, rolling his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s actually really adorable.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sure, yea. Laugh at my expense.” Louis said dramatically </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not” Harry said, still laughing</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sure you’re not.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They cuddled for a bit before Louis pulled the sheet up over himself, he didn’t like how Harry was pressed up against his tummy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Should shower I guess. It couldn’t have been a lack of lube I used half the fucking bottle.” Louis said</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yea it feels weird.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’ll figure it out, I promise.” Louis said kissing him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis groaned as he sat up and Harry did the same. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz, let me look to make sure you’re not hurt” Louis said worriedly</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knelt between Harry’s legs and tried to spread his thighs open but Harry shook his head no. He flung his arm over his face again and turned red. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Haz, please. I just want to make sure you’re not bleeding or anything.” Louis said gently. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>So maybe he had done too much research on what could go wrong the first time.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, it’s weird looking around there.” Harry said  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What did you think I was doing earlier with my fingers?” Louis deadpanned </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But that was for sex, this isn’t. Spreading em now would be weird.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, but will you at least look for yourself.” Louis conceded, not wanting to make him uncomfortable.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright” Harry said, nodding and blushing. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They got out of bed and Louis subconsciously had his arm across his stomach. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lou” Harry said, taking Louis’ arm away. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” Louis asked, yanking his arm back </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re beautiful and fit and you don’t have to cover any part of yourself.” Harry said, hugging him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis looked down at his arm and dropped it and looked up to see Harry smiling. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So I can’t look at you to check for an actual injury but you made me drop my arm so you could see my pudgy tummy?” Louis asked, folding his arms </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I like that you have half defined abs from running about playing footie but also that you still have your slight tummy. It’s cute like you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not cute” Louis mumbled. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t like my puppy fat on my sides but you do.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because it makes you perfect.” Louis said, putting his hands right there. “And you make for a comfy pillow” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry just followed his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not gonna leave me right?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nope” Louis said, kissing him. Now he understood Harry bringing up their insecurities he was still feeling bad about what just happened. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis hugged him, he loved him more than words could ever describe. They both were stark naked and hugging in the middle of his room, sore dick and sore bum and sure maybe Louis would have liked to gotten a bit further than that, but if he felt like his dick was going to break, he’d rather it be because of Harry. Maybe he should tell Liam and they could put it into a song, it was a proper romantic gesture. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shower and then cuddles and cupcakes?” Louis asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can we shower apart?” Harry asked nervously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Course, H. But you don’t have to be embarrassed about what happened. We both were a little nervous. It’s okay. Just gotta figure out how to get you to relax before you chop my dick off.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you, Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love you too, H.” Louis said hugging him. “You’re a bit more sore, use the ensuite. I’ll go to the guest room.” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You sure?” Harry asked </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes babe. Now go shower that cute little bum of yours.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks for not laughing.” Harry said, looking down. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Would never laugh at you for this. If one of the boys said this happened then maybe, but never you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry gave him a small smile. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But Haz, I’m serious. Promise me you’ll tell me if you hurt more or if there’s bleeding or summat. El bleed a tiny bit our first time so like I think it’s a thing. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry nodded and went to shower. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis went into the guest room and showered, walking back in a towel to see Harry already changing the sheets. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I would’ve helped.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I got it, it’s okay” Harry said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry had on soft joggers and a soft henley t-shirt and Louis went over to hug him and rubbed his cheek on it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is um, is your penis okay?” Harry asked, trying not to laugh </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes, Haz. It’s okay. Little bruise but that’s it. Fine to wee.” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“How’s your bum?” Louis asked, squeezing his cheeks. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck don’t do that.” Harry said hissing “I think there’s muscle cramps in my bum cheeks” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry” Louis grimaced</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Um, tiny, tiny bit of bleeding but I’m okay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry” Louis said sadly </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not your fault Lou” Harry said “Now get dressed, I want my cupcake.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Whatever you say Harold.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Louis felt so bad he probably would give Harry his cupcake too if he wanted it. But he wasn’t going to offer it just yet. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry towel dried his hair and Louis got dressed into some soft pajama bottoms and one of Harry’s shirts. He got them each an anti-inflammatory and a beer and their cupcakes and put everything on the coffee table with a fluffy blanket. He put a pillow on the sofa for Harry, he really wasn’t sure if that would help or not and turned on Friends on the telly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You didn’t have to do all that.” Harry said walking in, he did have a slight limp and Louis thought he was going to cry for a second at the thought he hurt Harry. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m okay, Lou.” Harry said, knowing Louis just watched him gingerly sit down. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry did sit on the pillow. They took their tablets with water and then sipped their beers and ate their cupcakes, cuddling under the plush blanket. The night took a turn Louis never expected it to take but they were okay and that’s all that matter. He kissed Harry’s shoulder as he laid his head on it and he felt Harry hug him tighter. Harry kept getting up and leaving the room and Louis was getting concerned. He hadn’t heard Harry upstairs so he went to check in the hall bathroom off the kitchen.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Harry?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine Lou” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Love, what’s going on?” Louis said through the door. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go watch telly.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not till you tell me what’s going on.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Feels weird.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What does?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Keep thinking I’m gonna poo or summat, like fart. Dunno.” Harry said, face turning red. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We basically live with Niall, I’m pretty sure we’re immune to farting.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Embarrassing” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s a normal bodily function Haz, I even farted in front of El after like two months. Just wind is all.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It just feels different.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Has anything happened yet?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No” Harry said, shaking his head. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then I’ll just turn the telly up, you do what you need to do. But I’m sure you jumping on and off the couch isn’t helping anything?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry shook his head no. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you, all of you. Weird quirks, insecurities and bodily functions and all. Okay, don’t feel embarrassed because of me. No different than me holding your hair and rubbing your back when you throw up.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good, now let’s go watch more Friends.” Louis said, dragging Harry behind him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry followed Louis back to the couch and they cuddled back under the blanket. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alright?” Louis asked him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah” Harry said nodding. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come here” Louis said holding his arm out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Harry laid down, resting his head on Louis’ thigh. Louis carded his fingers through Harry’s hair and leaned down to kiss him. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re good right?” Harry asked</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“We are perfect” Louis said, kissing him again. “I’m embarrassed too babe, just one of us needed to stay calm so we could figure it out. I was freaking out too.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You were?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I was the one that wanted to take it slow, and you’ve been so patient with me. How could you think I’d get mad you for this?” Louis asked seriously </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Cause I promised you I knew what we were doing and shit.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It was our first time together, we’ve had plenty of embarrassing moments together, I’m sure this won’t be our last.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s not reassuring!” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Better than being walked in on by our mums or the boys” Louis said </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why would you ever even say that” Harry said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just being honest love” Louis said laughing </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Niall was hysterically laughing and Louis was a deeper shade of red than Harry had ever seen him. Harry was nonplussed by it now but unbeknownst to Harry, Louis still felt bad about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, that’s horrible” Niall said, clutching his stomach laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were kids, what did you want from us” Louis snapped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lou?” Harry asked </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told you not to share it, yea” Louis said. He grabbed the pizza box and went inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall stopped laughing and looked at Harry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go” Niall said pointing to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry nodded and followed Louis into the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis. What’s wrong. You were the one who was so calm about it that night” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea it was either stay calm or think my fucking dick was going to break off” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry could still tell he was annoyed. And he had no idea why. He was pretty sure the two of them have laughed about it over the years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis, come on. It was years ago, we were embarrassingly and stupidly in love. Think we’ve come a long way since then” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nevermind. I overreacted.” Louis said, trying to brush it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Lou. Talk to me” Harry said gently, tugging on Louis’ wrist. “We don’t have that problem now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just… When the prick from management would go on about me in bed with you and how I should be ashamed of it, it kinda made me question that night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Harry asked, shocked, because that night happened in 2012 and now it was almost the end of 2017. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget it, it’s fucking stupid.” Louis scoffed at himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis” Harry said firmly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stayed in the back of my head. That I didn’t know what I was doing and you got hurt because of it. And you getting hurt was because of me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was sore for a few days but that was it. We’ve had some great nights after that.” Harry said gently.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get it” Louis said shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I don’t. We’ve both laughed about it since.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is funny, because we were young and so inexperienced and had not a fucking clue what we were doing but it was all okay because we did it together, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But after management kept saying that you could do better, find someone better, why would you want to be with me. Could take anyone you wanted to bed with you. It put that night into a different perspective. And the one time the secretary from management caught us, they lit into me pretty bad. And all I could think about was that I hurt you that night. That I hadn’t been good for you that night and that I wasn’t good for you after that. That it was me hurting you and not them.” Louis said. He broke eye contact with Harry because he never dreamed they’d have to bring this up again. He knew he had confessed to Harry how their label and management made him feel about them and Harry didn’t know Louis was still bothered by it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey…” harry said tilting Louis’ chin up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis could see the tears threatening to fall and Louis hated himself even more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t hurt me that night. Yea it hurt for a bit, but you hurt for a bit too. You didn’t hurt me that night and you didn’t hurt me after that. At least never really intentionally. It hurt when we broke up but you explained all that to me months ago. You promised me you’d forgive yourself” Harry said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have, mostly. But them throwing around the physical side of our relationship hurt. And it’s something that still makes me question everything, how it took me longer to start it and you were so patient and then we had no fucking idea what we were doing. I don’t know. Them just saying all that shit and how it was wrong. And they said some things in a meeting with them the other day because I hadn’t been seen out with El in a bit.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What did they say?” Harry asked, voice going cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That people were going to think we were back together since the rumors about you and Camille died down and I haven’t been seen out much. And they said they didn’t really want to go back to having to defend my gross relationship with a boy. They just made it sound so fucking dirty and wrong and I hate that they have no idea about anything and they can still do that to me.” Louis said, getting angry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked. He knew Louis had a meeting after they got back from Donny before they went to LA but Harry had already left for the shows before that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate talking about it. I thought if I just didn’t give them a reaction that they’d move on from it. And I hate that they throw around our relationship like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Louis” Harry said hugging him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry knew they had no idea they were back together but the fact they were still hurting Louis with their old relationship made him angry.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You might be the most sarcastic person I know and you might have a bit of a temper, but Lou, you never treated me with anything but respect and love in bed. It was all gooey and soft and loving and warm. And I hate that they ever make you think you took advantage of me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I was going to tell you. We just were busy today and Ni’s here. And I figured I’d tell you later. But it’s been bothering me since they said it. That night it my mind is still one of the best because it was me and you, and despite the fact that our first time having sex didn’t go as planned, it made us so much closer. And I think it helped us be more open with each other in that sense. And I’ll cuddle and eat cupcakes all night long with you. But then when they arbitrarily throw things around like that it makes me second guess myself. And I hate that I’m still not comfortable with myself. What kind of example does that set for my sisters or brother or Freddie?.” Louis said sadly </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one’s perfect Louis, and yes you have flaws, like being the grumpiest person ever in the morning. But loving someone doesn’t make you a bad person. But loving me makes you the best person ever.” Harry said hugging him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Haz” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think I could have fallen more in love with you that night.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does” Louis said giving him a small smile  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if we go get the cake from the fridge and go back out to Niall and eat cake and laugh about how we had no clue what we were doing but we were just so excited to try it out. And maybe it’ll take away any bad thoughts that management and the label put into your cute little head.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright” Louis said nodding </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Harry said opening his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, H.” Louis said into Harry’s shoulder</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love you too, boobear.” Harry said kissing him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if you ever want to practice, you know I’m always a willing participant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Insatiable” Louis said, laughing and hugging him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can’t believe you two kept that from us for all this time”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you all freaked the fuck out anytime we even looked at each other that we were gross and mushy so…” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Liam picked up that something was wrong the next day. Louis told him we both slipped playing footie.” Harry said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait I think I vaguely remember that” Niall said, snapping his fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea” Louis deadpanned </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It wasn’t the worst thing ever. We’ve laughed about it for years now. But I learned that night that no matter what happened, you wouldn’t ever judge me. No matter how often I embarrass myself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never Haz, maybe about your bambi legs but not about anything personal like that” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“See you two couldn’t even figure out how to have sex and it still ends in some soppy romantic mess.” Niall said smiling </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Louis’ perfect Niall just accept it” Harry said kissing him </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’d ask how things went but I walked in on you both far too many times.” Niall laughed </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s something none of us ever need to relieve” Louis said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Swear you didn’t know what locks are” Niall said rolling his eyes </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, you done?” Louis asked laughing </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least I can honestly answer the question of that you both really do share it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay” Harry said laughing, trying to change the conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, new topic” Louis said, cuddling into Harry’s side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what happened inside and I don’t need to know. But everything you have been through together, it’s fucking speical. The love and respect you have for each other is something else. And despite everything, you both want what’s best for each other. It’s just special getting to watch you two be back together.” Niall said seriously </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright you soppy mess.” Louis said </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let anything come between you both, what you two have isn’t normal. It’s what people make movies out of and I know how hard it was for you. But I think the part that I love the most is that you know each other inside and out and it only makes you two love each other more.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ni” Louis said gently </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here” Harry said, holding his arm out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Niall went over to them on the other lounger and half fell on both of them, both of them hugging him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could’ve just asked for a cuddle, lad.” Louis said, hugging him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So not my favorite chapter. But I haven't had the time or really the motivation to write. So this was something I had written for the prequel. I do plan on updating the prequel to this story as well. I'm just trying to figure some things out with what to do next. So I still think that both of them were slightly dorky in 2012 and not the glamorous and sexy people the media made them out to be a little later on.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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